Ijon Tichy: Raumpilot (2007) s01e06 Episode Script
Die innere Stimme
I already told you this story, huh?
But I'll tell you again.
When on Saturday, December 2, I flew near-by,
well, I don't really know anymore, I had no certain destination.
this monster animal ate me and then I fired a bomb from inside.
But the 'Kullup' was a fraidy cat already
But not with boss Tichy! I give the orders.
Nobody acts up with Ijon Tichy.
Mr. Tichy! I'm trying to concentrate here.
And if you would be so kind
to wear pants, at least in the daytime.
And no pepper on the eggs!
Pepper and eggs don't go along. Yes?
How do you want to know?
You're holographic. You never tasted it.
The gas tanks empty! How can this be?
That's impossible. It was half-full only just - most certainly.
Now I was in it after all.
A new adventure. Even though, I didn't want to.
And I had no idea on which planet we 'made landing in crash'.
I went to the library and read in the 'Cosmic Encyclopedia'.
But the book said, there was no planet anywhere near.
How could this be? And I had a feeling that I've been here before.
Mr. Tichy? I really don't understand this;
the tank was filled, most certainly.
Sure, sure, huh?
As sure as pepper doesn't belong on an omelette.
Slowly I'm starting to worry that everything you do is senseless.
You have no experience.
Mr. Tichy, I do know what I'm doing. You're wrong.
On the contrary, you're mistaken again.
You're a machine device without a clue about the real life.
I couldn't choose. I needed gas for the rocket
and so, I had to go and look for a gas station.
But I had an unpleasant feeling.
Will I take the rope
or will I not take the rope with me.
Why are you asking me? I'm just the stupid hologram.
You're right. And I don't need the rope.
The whole area was a bit eerie.
But I was a great hero and this was a small forest.
No problem for Ijon Tichy.
Carpeting.
I would have liked to go back to the safe rocket,
but I already walked quite a bit,
and so, I could walk a bit further.
The rope - but I left it in the rocket; how could this be?
And a wild 'Kullup'? 'Kullups' existed only on planet 'Torkov'.
Nothing made sense here.
There's no gas station here.
Eat. If your inner voice tells you, you want pepper on eggs,
you put pepper on eggs.
If it wasn't empty, I could conveniently let myself
fly through cosmos by my 'Halluzinelle'.
Exactly that is your problem, Ijon Tichy!
If you let this 'Halluzi-thingy-nelle'
act up with you anymore, she will take your place in the rocket.
How do you know? Do you know me?
Ijon Tichy once was the great hero of cosmos
and not such a wimpy wimp.
Who says I'm a wimp?
I'm Ijon Tichy
and I built the 'Halluzinelle' in the rocket myself.
I'm the boss, and the hero of cosmos.
What's going here?
Look, Ijon Tichy! What became of you?
(Go to your mistress.) And you say, you're the hero of cosmos?
Who would have thought the end would look like this?
Ijon Tichy, sniffed to death by my little 'Kullup'.
Suddenly, my inner voice clearly told me,
it couldn't go on like this with Ijon Tichy.
Ah, see, it works. That is my hero Ijon Tichy.
Now you go to the rocket and clean up your life.
And kick out this holograpiccow.
I won't do this.
You will. I know.
I won't.
Ijon, listen to your inner voice.
You mustn't do this, for you're the old Ijon Tichy again.
'Star Diaries'
Ijon Tichy runs away and cries for help before 'Kullup'.
Tichy is lying on the ground,
old woman arrives, 'Look, Ijon Tichy!'
'What became of you?',
Ijon Tichy gets really angry and puts 'Kullup' to flight.
Old woman nods contentedly and says, 'This is exactly this moment.'
My dear Ijon,
you are currently reading your own story.
I wanted to prevent you from coming to know this.
Coming to know what?
The truth, Ijon.
It wasn't easy to meet you here.
But that's not possible. I'm only here accidentally.
Empty gas tank,
the rope,
my little 'Kullup' that brought you here;
you can read about it all.
Back then, everything was fine,
but then you did things, I didn't write in the story.
This 'Halluzinelle holographic device' wasn't my idea.
Look. There's no word about in the books.
But you built it anyway.
You tell me, I'm only an invention of your 'novel book'?
And I do, what you're typing into the machine?
Yes.
But this is nonsense. I'm here for real.
How's that supposed to work?
This, my dear Ijon Tichy, is science fiction.
Everything's possible there.
I simply wrote the story that we meet each other.
Well well, how is the story supposed to continue?
Here it says, you come back here, I'll give you power again
and you'll throw out this holographic thing.
And you'll be the old hero of cosmos again, Ijon Tichy -
whom I invented.
But here I doesn't say, I'll find the room with the type-writer.
What if I continue doing what I want?
Then I won't continue writing your story.
Then this is the last chapter
and end!
I'm Ijon Tichy
and I'll do you what I want to do!
When I came back to the rocket,
'I made remembering' that the gas tank was empty.
I almost 'wanted to do desperation',
but then I had an idea.
I now had the 'typing machine'.
When I came back to the rocket, I realized
err, that the tank wasn't empty after all.
Mr. Tichy! The gas tank isn't empty!
Yeah, I know. But what is it that is burning here?
An omelette with extra pepper.
And it tastes gross, just as I said.
You're done? Now we take off.
Stay there, stay there. From now on,
you'll do the steering of the rocket on your own. Got it?
Me?
Yes. It's your job.
It's the reason, why I puzzled you together.
We are hero of cosmos
and we have a plenty of adventures before us.
And you will fly us. Let's go!
Later people said, I only made up this story.
Bad people said, I had a weakness for alcohol,
in which I indulge only covertly when I'm on earth,
but when I'm on a long space journey unrestrainedly.
Only God knows all the rumours there are.
Why, but that's how people are.
They rather believe the greatest nonsense than true fact.
But I'll tell you again.
When on Saturday, December 2, I flew near-by,
well, I don't really know anymore, I had no certain destination.
this monster animal ate me and then I fired a bomb from inside.
But the 'Kullup' was a fraidy cat already
But not with boss Tichy! I give the orders.
Nobody acts up with Ijon Tichy.
Mr. Tichy! I'm trying to concentrate here.
And if you would be so kind
to wear pants, at least in the daytime.
And no pepper on the eggs!
Pepper and eggs don't go along. Yes?
How do you want to know?
You're holographic. You never tasted it.
The gas tanks empty! How can this be?
That's impossible. It was half-full only just - most certainly.
Now I was in it after all.
A new adventure. Even though, I didn't want to.
And I had no idea on which planet we 'made landing in crash'.
I went to the library and read in the 'Cosmic Encyclopedia'.
But the book said, there was no planet anywhere near.
How could this be? And I had a feeling that I've been here before.
Mr. Tichy? I really don't understand this;
the tank was filled, most certainly.
Sure, sure, huh?
As sure as pepper doesn't belong on an omelette.
Slowly I'm starting to worry that everything you do is senseless.
You have no experience.
Mr. Tichy, I do know what I'm doing. You're wrong.
On the contrary, you're mistaken again.
You're a machine device without a clue about the real life.
I couldn't choose. I needed gas for the rocket
and so, I had to go and look for a gas station.
But I had an unpleasant feeling.
Will I take the rope
or will I not take the rope with me.
Why are you asking me? I'm just the stupid hologram.
You're right. And I don't need the rope.
The whole area was a bit eerie.
But I was a great hero and this was a small forest.
No problem for Ijon Tichy.
Carpeting.
I would have liked to go back to the safe rocket,
but I already walked quite a bit,
and so, I could walk a bit further.
The rope - but I left it in the rocket; how could this be?
And a wild 'Kullup'? 'Kullups' existed only on planet 'Torkov'.
Nothing made sense here.
There's no gas station here.
Eat. If your inner voice tells you, you want pepper on eggs,
you put pepper on eggs.
If it wasn't empty, I could conveniently let myself
fly through cosmos by my 'Halluzinelle'.
Exactly that is your problem, Ijon Tichy!
If you let this 'Halluzi-thingy-nelle'
act up with you anymore, she will take your place in the rocket.
How do you know? Do you know me?
Ijon Tichy once was the great hero of cosmos
and not such a wimpy wimp.
Who says I'm a wimp?
I'm Ijon Tichy
and I built the 'Halluzinelle' in the rocket myself.
I'm the boss, and the hero of cosmos.
What's going here?
Look, Ijon Tichy! What became of you?
(Go to your mistress.) And you say, you're the hero of cosmos?
Who would have thought the end would look like this?
Ijon Tichy, sniffed to death by my little 'Kullup'.
Suddenly, my inner voice clearly told me,
it couldn't go on like this with Ijon Tichy.
Ah, see, it works. That is my hero Ijon Tichy.
Now you go to the rocket and clean up your life.
And kick out this holograpiccow.
I won't do this.
You will. I know.
I won't.
Ijon, listen to your inner voice.
You mustn't do this, for you're the old Ijon Tichy again.
'Star Diaries'
Ijon Tichy runs away and cries for help before 'Kullup'.
Tichy is lying on the ground,
old woman arrives, 'Look, Ijon Tichy!'
'What became of you?',
Ijon Tichy gets really angry and puts 'Kullup' to flight.
Old woman nods contentedly and says, 'This is exactly this moment.'
My dear Ijon,
you are currently reading your own story.
I wanted to prevent you from coming to know this.
Coming to know what?
The truth, Ijon.
It wasn't easy to meet you here.
But that's not possible. I'm only here accidentally.
Empty gas tank,
the rope,
my little 'Kullup' that brought you here;
you can read about it all.
Back then, everything was fine,
but then you did things, I didn't write in the story.
This 'Halluzinelle holographic device' wasn't my idea.
Look. There's no word about in the books.
But you built it anyway.
You tell me, I'm only an invention of your 'novel book'?
And I do, what you're typing into the machine?
Yes.
But this is nonsense. I'm here for real.
How's that supposed to work?
This, my dear Ijon Tichy, is science fiction.
Everything's possible there.
I simply wrote the story that we meet each other.
Well well, how is the story supposed to continue?
Here it says, you come back here, I'll give you power again
and you'll throw out this holographic thing.
And you'll be the old hero of cosmos again, Ijon Tichy -
whom I invented.
But here I doesn't say, I'll find the room with the type-writer.
What if I continue doing what I want?
Then I won't continue writing your story.
Then this is the last chapter
and end!
I'm Ijon Tichy
and I'll do you what I want to do!
When I came back to the rocket,
'I made remembering' that the gas tank was empty.
I almost 'wanted to do desperation',
but then I had an idea.
I now had the 'typing machine'.
When I came back to the rocket, I realized
err, that the tank wasn't empty after all.
Mr. Tichy! The gas tank isn't empty!
Yeah, I know. But what is it that is burning here?
An omelette with extra pepper.
And it tastes gross, just as I said.
You're done? Now we take off.
Stay there, stay there. From now on,
you'll do the steering of the rocket on your own. Got it?
Me?
Yes. It's your job.
It's the reason, why I puzzled you together.
We are hero of cosmos
and we have a plenty of adventures before us.
And you will fly us. Let's go!
Later people said, I only made up this story.
Bad people said, I had a weakness for alcohol,
in which I indulge only covertly when I'm on earth,
but when I'm on a long space journey unrestrainedly.
Only God knows all the rumours there are.
Why, but that's how people are.
They rather believe the greatest nonsense than true fact.