I'm a Virgo (2023) s01e06 Episode Script

1
[BUILDING CREAKING]
[DRONING MUSIC]
[AI AS BILL COSBY] Jay,
it's time to get up!
Jay, do you need a minute?
How about I take five and
I check in on you then?
That did the trick last time.
Yes, please.
[SLAPPING]
Music.
["WICHITA LINEMAN" BY
GLEN CAMPBELL PLAYS]
[LIP SYNCING] I am a
lineman for the county ♪
And I drive the main road ♪
Searchin' in the sun
for another overload ♪
I hear your singin in the wires ♪
I can hear you through the whine ♪
And the Wichita lineman ♪
Is still on the line ♪
I know I need a small vacation ♪
But it don't look like rain ♪
[JAY SCREAMING]
[FIGHTING GRUNTS AND YELLS]
[SONG CONTINUES PLAYING]
[SCULPTURES CLATTERING]
Pencil roll!
[GAS HISSING]
Ventilation. [JAY COUGHING]
[AI AS BILL COSBY] Easy as pumpkin pie!
Ventilation activated, but
the assassin has skedaddled.
[GRUNTS AND PANTS]
[JAY] Today's gonna be a great day.
Bring it to me, Cannon Comics.
[AI AS BILL COSBY] Moving the
building to bring Cannon Comics to you.
[BUILDING HUMMING]
- [DRONING TALKING]
- [DISTORTION SOUNDS SWELL]
[MARCO] Very clear
this is the Twamp monster.
Not too long ago, they've even
referred to our work as propaganda.
It is.
What is what?
It is propaganda.
All art is propaganda.
Some asshole decides that
nature equates with love,
makes a painting of flowers, that
becomes part of our cultural mindset,
then all of a sudden, it is a
given that nature equates with love,
but nature is scary.
Things will kill you in nature.
A great white shark or
a pack of fuckin' wolves.
What about the love of humanity
that goes into metal gears?
The mechanics of industry,
an intentional love built upon
the feeding and clothing of humanity.
Nobody makes a painting
equating love with that.
Instead, we just go around thinking
that this asshole's flower painting
merely reflects reality when
in fact, it creates reality
because it creates our perception of it.
It determines the actions
that we take based on what?
That perception. It is propaganda.
My whole life is propaganda.
A righteous propaganda
predicated on the rule of law,
and this asshole is bound to
become a symbol for the opposite.
[GUN SHOTS]
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
[ALARM BLARING]
[ELECTRONIC MUSIC]
[WOMAN] Is anybody hit?
It's bullet proof, we're okay.
[JAY SIGHING]
Evil loiters through the night,
but The Hero wakes at dawn.
New catchphrase.
So once evil sleeps,
The Hero wakes back up?
Nevermind.
Bring it to me, office.
[BUILDING CREAKING]
So you're a villain now?
That's already how the
media's portraying me!
So I'm gonna lean
into that villain shit,
show them that we can fight back!
With a heist?
Yes, with a heist.
A heist that'll change
people's material conditions.
- Material conditions.
- Lives will get better instantly!
Isn't that what you say
you're always trying to do?
No.
No, we're trying to get
the people to work together.
No, look. This shit is growing!
[JONES] We're showing the
people where their power is,
we're gonna shut this shit down
with a general strike
and dictate our demands!
- That's a long ass road, Jones.
- Yeah, well, your road ain't shorter.
Cootie, watch out, The
Hero! [CEILING BANGING]
[LAUGHS] Man, you scary as fuck.
The Hero knocked you the fuck
out. Had that ass snorin'!
- [FELIX] See what I mean, Jones?
- He's just fuckin' with you.
I'm either a villain or a clown.
I want to inspire people.
Inspire people to do
what? Grow 13 feet tall?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
You have a narrow idea of what'll work,
and the rest you just
cross off the list.
Yeah, it's called scientific process.
[BUILDING HUMMING]
[DISTORTED VOICES]
Marvin.
I have a huge and
tremendously annoying problem.
I
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
I'm sorry, it took me a second to
retrieve the packages [MUFFLED]
Marvin.
What I do is about affecting
public psyche in a precise manner.
Form is just as important
as function in my case.
[DRAWER CLOSES]
My zeal seal fizzled out a few days ago.
When I take my helmet off,
I need for my shit to pop.
- Yeah.
- Look.
- Mm-hmm.
- You see what's happening?
I do.
- I need the people to believe in me.
- Okay.
- [MARVIN] It's right up there.
- [JAY] Are you fuckin' kidding me?
Mm-hmm. [CLICKS TONGUE] May I?
That is a hardware issue.
It can only be replaced by the
manufacturer in China, it'll take weeks.
Edwin, have acquisitions purchase
the zeal seal patent by end of day.
- Will do, Mr. Will.
- Oh, Marvin.
Have you noticed my AI sounding
a lot like Bill Cosby recently?
Bill Cosby? Sounds nothing
like him to me, sir.
Hmm, okay.
Edwin, it's so good to
see your face every day.
- I mean it.
- [EDWIN] You too, sir.
I mean it. You believe me,
right? Do you believe me?
- Say you believe me.
- I believe you, sir.
[SIGHS] I've never had an assistant
even close to being on your level.
- You ready?
- Of course.
- Remember.
- I won't avert my gaze, sir.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
[JAY MAKING GOOFY NOISES]
[HAND SLAPPING] Ha!
[GRUNTS] [EARS RINGING]
[SIGHING]
A good game of slap hand really
brings out our best. [CHUCKLES]
You're getting stronger, I can feel it.
Thank you, sir.
And what's the special occasion
that has Tom Ford crawling all over you?
Tonight, I'm seeing that woman
that I told you about again.
- Remind me.
- Her name's Sasha.
- Sasha?
- Sasha.
Sasha, Sasha.
She skipped several
grades as a youngster,
graduated from Sarah Lawrence.
- Mm! Mm!
- Became a dancer.
Did some consulting work
for the Saudis and Obama.
Mm!
And two hours of yoga
every morning and teaches.
Mm!
This could be the one.
Hey, are you up for a
challenge this morning?
Anything for you, sir.
Neutralize this. It's a bomb.
It's set to go off in the hour.
This assassin just won't quit.
I could do it myself,
but I think that my time is
better spent other places,
and this just really
feels like your job to me.
We good?
Absolutely.
I got you.
[AI AS BILL COSBY] I'm reminding
you, Damien Wallace, 5:00 pm.
Get your butt goin'!
[COOTIE] Welcome to the first
meeting of our heist planning.
When the media covers this,
they will call us villains,
but but people will
cheer. [CHUCKLES] Because
People will cheer because what's
right isn't always what's legal,
and
Come on, keep going,
this is a good speech,
good super villain
speech, just keep going.
Okay, basically, fuck The Hero.
We all been sleepin' under an empty
container of family sized Twizzlers
under a High School Musical baby blanket
hidden under an overpass for two months.
There's 10 different
motherfuckas who've benefited
from shrinkin' us and we want
to get back at all 10 of 'em.
We have to put our
talents to use, right?
Me being big, the Lower Bottom
folks, y'all being small,
Flora, you being bored, and Felix,
you being the homie with the car.
Contrary to what most people
think, you ain't stupid.
You want to make a band
that's gonna help us
get some get back after
we do this, sign us up.
A band?
A band is a group of people,
we're a group of people.
A band is a group of
people with instruments.
[SNAPS FINGERS] Wikipedia that shit.
Bear is right.
Thank you, beautiful.
Hey, hey!
What are you, what
are you hey-ing about?
At least somebody's
calling me beautiful.
I would call you beautiful, I just
don't know if I'm objectifying you
Okay but you don't call me beautiful,
and why are you-are you jealous?
- He's so small.
- Six inches is still enough.
Just gotta put my whole body into
it. Requires trust on my part.
As we talked about,
our first target is
the power station, okay?
But listen, listen,
this is the key part:
the power station's regulator.
The regulator allows them to keep
the rolling blackouts going
because without the regulator,
electricity's still free
I wrote this, that means
less profit for them
and electricity still
flows freely for everyone.
Flora, you will break
into the security vault,
and me, well, Felix, behind you.
[METAL SCRAPING] Those
are electrobrapapaps.
I'm gonna use these
to smash the regulator.
What about security?
This is the parking ticket episode
that Scat had on him when he died,
and I feel like he would love
it if we used it this way.
No. I think he'd just
rather would not be dead.
It was banned for causing
existential meltdowns
within 93.5% of the
viewers who watched it,
causing them to be entranced
and to lose all of their motor
skills during the entire episode.
So um, you little folks
[LAUGHS] You go ahead,
and you wiggle in there,
and you leave this for the
security, you show it to them-
The fuck kind of plan is that?
You're gonna do this
right, you need these.
I want you to wear these and
be the heroes the world needs.
Villains, mama. Super
villains, super villains.
- Okay, all right, now we need names.
- I'm 2 Fast, 2 Furious.
- No, that's copyrighted.
- It's my favorite movie.
You want people to see Vin
Diesel every time they Google you?
I'm thinkin' everybody
from the Lower Bottom
should have a collective
group name, seein' as we are-
Our name is Death by a Thousand Cuts.
[BLOWS] Ooh.
- I'm V8.
- That's respectable.
What's your name, Cootie?
- I'm Thug One.
- [FELIX] Okay!
- Yes!
- [CHUCKLING]
[BUILDING CREAKING]
[ROTORS CHOPPING]
[EERIE MUSIC]
[DAMIAN] You've been in my head
every day since the verdict,
like an imaginary friend.
Well, I'd hope that seeing me in
person might bring you some closure.
You think my last moments
on this Earth are about you?
Kill me now.
Something that you
would like to say to me?
I'm not an innocent man.
Someone was comin' to kill
me and I got him first,
but in the same way, I had
no right to take his life.
Nevermind, you don't
even remember me, do you?
You're Damian Wallace,
you are a drug dealer
- Way before that.
- And you are convicted
1992, Comic Con.
You signed my copy of the very
first Hero comic you ever published.
[SLOW MUSIC] What you
did was genius, man.
You used the comics to create a phantom.
An empty space made up
of ideas and [LAUGHS]
And you materialized a
phantom right before our eyes.
Cheap magic trick.
This is where I turn into an idea.
[PHONE RINGING] Yeah?
Okay.
Governor has deemed it proper to
use the more humane Stavlisi method
for executing the prisoner.
[SWITCHES FLIPPING]
[EERIE MUSIC]
[CHAIR ELECTRICS HUMMING]
I'm here for you.
[LIQUIDS OOZING]
[MAN SCREAMING]
[CHAIR SHAKING]
Look, I'm down with this plan, you know?
And you know I'm too
fast to be caught anyways,
so, I'm not worried about
me, but I'm worried about you.
- Don't have to worry about me.
- I know, I don't have to do shit.
Do you expect me not to
worry about you when you
I'm just trying to utilize
the circumstances
Who isn't? I'm just trying to
figure out what's inside you
that's pushing you to do it,
and I don't want the speech
that you give everybody else,
I just I'm worried you
came to this plan too quickly,
and when people flip so quickly,
and I told you how my mother
I don't want to tell you
everything that's in my head.
Then what kind of connection
do you want to have?
I mean, we can just sit
in a room and like eat
and fuck and watch TV, but
I like those things, but
months for you is years for me,
- and if you can't talk to me now, then
- I don't want you to think I'm crazy.
Cootie
I welcome crazy.
I need some damn crazy in my life.
It takes me hours to hear
a motherfucka's thoughts,
and it's just something just as boring
as the way it was, like Check
out this meme or some shit like that.
I'm not bored because
my life moves slowly,
I'm bored because people
are so fuckin' predictable.
I already knew you were crazy.
Might be the main
thing I love about you.
[CHUCKLES]
This place was a good choice.
[LAUGHS] I love that it's
right next to laser tag.
Wait, I see you derailing.
You said you majored in fucking
puppetry. From that to dance.
- Anything to avoid a real job, huh?
- No, I just, um, I just, teach kids.
- Teaching kids is never "just"
- Well, I didn't mean
[EDWIN] Well, do you want
to have any? Kids, I mean.
[WOMAN] Edwin, are you
offering to raw dog me?
Ha, I was just trying
to get to know you.
Well, that would definitely
be a way to get to know me.
- You want to play a game?
- Only if you're wearing a condom.
Look into my eyes, don't look away.
- Put your hand
- Slap hands?
You want to play slap hands?
No matter what happens,
one of us gets hit,
we don't take our eyes off each other.
- Okay.
- Agreed?
[HANDS SLAPPING] Ow,
bitch, that fucking hurt!
Why'd you turn away?
What do you mean? You just
like Frank Sinatra'd my hand.
That's what you agreed on,
that's the game you agreed on.
You didn't have to agree to it.
You were supposed to look into my eyes,
and, you, no matter what, you were
supposed to not turn away, you
You failed the pre-date.
I'm sorry, the pre-date?
For my employer, Jay Whittle.
Uh, yeah, a little confused.
The Hero is very busy
and very selective.
He has to be, so I pre-date women
for him. You failed the loyalty test.
Wow, that is I mean, that
is fucking creepy and sadistic.
- Shit people do for a paycheck.
- I do this 'cause it's right.
The Hero's about the law, not bullshit.
The law applied fairly is
freedom for black people,
for all people, so I do what's
needed to help him help us.
- You can judge me
- See, I just hear slime sounds.
[FIST SLAMMING INTO WALL]
What were you looking for?
[SLOW MUSIC]
Oh bloody Billy. Bloody Billy
I needed to see you, buddy. Oh,
I'm going to read you all day.
- Hello, Jay.
- Mom, you drank my Junko Pop.
- You were supposed to stay on your floor.
- Well, that's a lovely greeting.
I needed a mixer.
Mom, we had an agreement that
you don't go into my old bedroom!
You do know that this is not
your old bedroom, don't you?
[WALL SLAMMING DOWN] [LOUD ECHOING]
[SIGHS]
Why do I have to stay on my own
floor? Are you embarrassed by me?
To make sure that you
don't hurt yourself again.
Oh, I want to throw a party.
I can't have any unauthorized people
in the building, Mother, you know that.
I can take care of myself.
I mean, I took care of you.
Really? Really?
- You want to go there?
- Jay, why are you so angry?
Look at your life, you are
the person you want to be.
I mean, you're doing your
whole superhero thing,
- I know that's very exciting for you.
- Exciting?
You think that this is exciting?
- [MOTHER SIGHS]
- It's necessary, Mother.
Do you not understand that?
- [MOTHER SIGHING]
- Do you not understand what I do?
Come here. Come on.
Mm, my baby.
I don't want to get out of bed, Mom,
I just want the world to
pass me by but I can't, Mom.
- I want to.
- I know, I know, I know.
- People need The Hero.
- They do, Mom, they do.
To know that the law and
morality are the same.
Exactly.
Playing this role is the only
reason you get up in the morning.
- That's all it is.
- Oh, Jay, it's boring, it's boring.
It's so boring.
Mom, please.
Jay, why are you so
obsessed with the law?
You were born into a
family that has more power
than any damned superhero could
ever have. The laws are made for us.
Okay, okay.
[SIGHS] Oh, you can hate me all
you want, but I will always
- I don't hate anyone, Mother.
- I will always be your mother.
[BUILDING CREAKING]
Stop the building.
Hello, sir.
What is this?
Showing you that you're appreciated.
I wanted to say thank you
on behalf of the world.
Huh.
Astronaut Al.
You have a rainbow of water pistols.
[SIGHS]
A Meathead Frank with
super-choke action?
[KISSING] This is amazing!
- This is amazing!
- We need you to be happy, sir.
It's vital to the
operations of the company
Wait, wait a minute. All
of these things are random.
There's nothing random
with you, Edwin, ever.
[EERIE MUSIC]
How did the date go with Sasha?
Not a match unfortunately.
This is your fuck up.
Yes, and I'm already on the hunt
for a new slate of candidates.
If it's just sex you want,
I've lined up some options
Have you listened to
one word that I've said?
This is not about a wet hole
that's missing, Edwin, it's about
All you're doing is proving the point.
Nothing matters. [SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
[DRONING MUSIC]
Sometimes, you can be a fucking useless,
shitty, inconsiderate person.
See you tomorrow, champ.
[DRONING NOISES]
[SIGHS] Play my music.
["MEXICAN BLUE" BY JOLIE HOLLAND PLAYS]
[GRUNTS AND YELLS]
[GLASS SMASHING]
[SWORDS CLANKING]
[PAN CLONKING]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
Wire the balance of funds to
Exine Toulouse immediately.
How do you know my real name?
- Because I hired you.
- You hired me to kill you?
You came closer than the others.
I have to stay on my toes until
my actual super villain comes.
An antagonist that my audience
will deem worthy of my journey.
Yeah, well, uh I would
have caught you more off guard
if I wasn't thrown off by
your annoyingly anal assistant.
Well, anal is what I pay him for.
[SLOW MUSIC]
Maybe you hoped I'd succeed.
I was just about to
open up a bottle of wine.
Châteauneuf-du-Pape.
To a segue from my work
to my civilian life.
Would you care to join me?
[LIGHTS ZAPPING]
[LIGHTS SNAPPING OFF]
[AI AS BILL COSBY] I'm turning
on the backup generators.
It's a regular power outage,
no nefarious cause is detected.
[SLOW MUSIC]
Don't fuck this up, Cootie.
You guys ready?
Let's go.
[UPBEAT, ELECTRONIC MUSIC
PLAYS THROUGH CREDITS]