In Living Color (1990) s01e06 Episode Script

You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You know what I'm sayin' You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon It's never too lateand it's never too soon Take it from meIt's a'ight to be In living color How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color Everybody hereis equally kind In living color What's mine is yoursand what's yours is mine In living color How would you feel knowingeverybody was your friend From thin to thickand through thick and thin And egotistical tripswas put to an end You can do what you wanna do In living color In living color You can walk on the moonFloat like a balloon It's never too lateand it's never too soon Take it from meIt's a'ight to be In living color How would you feel knowingprejudice was obsolete And all mankind dancedto the exact beat And at night it was safeto walk down the street You can do what you wanna do In living color Ladies and gentlemen, Keenen Ivory Wayans.
Thank you.
All right.
- Thank you.
- [Cheering Continues.]
Thank you.
I'm Keenen Ivory Wayans.
Welcome to the show.
Like I said, I always like to keep this short and sweet.
So we start by saying hello to my crew, my D.
J.
S.
W.
One.
[Audience Cheering.]
And before we get to the laughs, we gotta get to the ladies.
Starting over here with Cari, Carrie Ann, Lisa.
.
.
Michelle and Deidre.
- My Fly Girls.
Give it up.
- [Audience Cheering.]
All right.
Sit back, relax.
We'll be there in a minute.
See ya.
You can do what you wanna do In living color - In living color- You can walk on the moon [Karate Yells.]
[Forcibly Exhales.]
Line up! Welcome to the first meeting.
.
.
of complete self-defense for women.
I'm BobJackson.
I have a black belt in karate.
.
.
and I've studied martial arts for over 20 years.
I'm also.
.
.
a former world champion.
Now.
.
.
this course may cost more than others.
.
.
but I guarantee.
.
.
you'll never be afraid of violence again.
Now, let me ask.
What are you ladies most concerned about? - Yes, you.
! - Okay.
Say you find out something about your husband.
.
.
like he got another wife and some kids.
Well, what I wanna know is, how do you kill a man in his sleep? What? Let me think about that one.
Why don't we start, though.
.
.
with defense against a knife attack.
- Who would like to attack me? - Ooh, me! - I got one in my purse.
- Why don't you try? - This is a real knife.
- Don't worry about it, grasshopper.
- I don't know.
I really.
.
.
- [Exhaling Forcibly.]
- I don't think I should.
- It's okay.
Come on! - [Screams.]
- Oh, my God! I'm really sorry! - L-l-l-l.
.
.
- [Girls Exclaiming.]
I didn't mean it.
Are you all right? I'm fine.
I shifted my internal organs.
.
.
to avoid the knife.
However.
.
.
like a lot of beginning students.
.
.
- you attacked me wrong.
- Oh! You're supposed to come at me like this.
All right.
- Now, remember that and try it again.
- Okay.
- Sort of a downward thing.
- [Exhaling Forcibly.]
All right-y.
- [Screams.]
- [Women Screaming.]
I'm really sorry! Uh.
.
.
You seem to be losing a lot of blood.
Can I get you anything? Oh, man! [Gasps.]
Oh! You see, you're still bending your elbows.
You've got to keep.
.
.
your arm.
.
.
completely straight.
- Oh.
All right.
- That's the whole key.
Oh, God.
All right.
- Try it one more time.
- Straight.
Okay.
- Okay, I got it.
All right.
- That's it.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Just like that.
Yeah.
[Karate Yells.]
- What, are you crazy? - It's our first day! - I just wanted to show her how easy it can be.
.
.
- Are you all right? - After 20 years.
- This class is a rip-off.
I want my money back.
- Right.
Me too.
And I looked it up.
- Pardon me.
- In 1976, Chuck Norris was the world champion.
- What? I never said I was the only world champion.
There were lots of them.
- I sparred with Elvis! - Wow! Okay.
Say you wake up from a deep sleep.
.
.
- and your wife is doing this.
- Ow! - What would you do then? - And Ike Turner does this.
- And Elvis does this.
- [Groaning.]
- Hmm? - That might've hurt if I hadn't shifted Mr.
Happy.
- [Phone Ringing.]
- [Whispers.]
Oh, God.
Well, congratulations, Tom, on your new promotion.
You represent our commitment to youth.
- Thank you, boss.
Later, babe.
- Bye-bye.
[Thinking.]
Gee, another promotion for Tom.
What is it? Youth? Hey, he's two years older than I am.
Maybe it's this grey that's holding me back.
[Announcer.]
Get rid of that grey.
.
.
add some zest,some color to your life.
.
.
with new and improvedGreshan Formula.
Greshan Formula makes the changeso gradual that no one will notice.
I'll call you back.
Jim, there's something different about you.
Are you wearing a new suit? You look a little, uh.
.
.
more manly.
You know, Jim.
.
.
in the last few weeks, something seems, um.
.
.
different about you.
You been working out? I know.
You lost some weight.
Well, whatever it is, keep it up.
[Announcer.]
New and improved Greshan Formula.
.
.
adds zest and color.
[Man.]
Live from Las Vegas,it's 21 hours and counting.
.
.
here atthe Jheri's Kids Telethon.
Here's your host,Jheri Lewis.
! Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah! This is love, and love is this.
If you're just joining us.
.
.
it's the 21 st hour.
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.
of theJheri Kids Telethon.
We're here to fight a deadly affliction.
.
.
one that is suffered by millions of inner-city youths.
.
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across this great nation of ours.
Also, many public figures such as.
.
.
the entire singing group Full Force.
Get busy.
Say hello to one ofJheri's Kids.
This is Rodney Washington from Compton, California.
And this is the dreaded activator.
.
.
that he craves so very desperately.
Hey! Rodney, tell the people out there.
.
.
what happened to you as a result of yourJheri curl.
Well, you know.
.
.
You know, first it was the "in thing" to do, man.
- Everybody had one, you know? - Mm-hmm.
Then things started goin' bad, man.
My woman left me, man.
.
.
'cause she got tired of washing them pillow covers, man.
Man, I was like a walking fire hazard.
At my job at McDonald's, man, I couldn't even go near the heat lamps, or whoof! - It's okay.
- It ain't okay.
It's okay.
Let it go.
Can we make with the Kleenex here? Okay, Rodney, give me the good stuff.
Well, l.
.
.
I finally made that call to Jheri Curl Deactivation Center.
- Oh, yeah! - Yeah.
You know, the hardest thing I ever did, man, was staying away from that activator, man.
My hand was just.
.
.
l-I just needed that activator on my head.
- Oh, yeah! - Yes, it was terrible, man.
- But I'm on my way back, man.
- Mm-hmm.
- Next week I'm going to get a flattop! - Oh, yeah! That's right! A sea has parted! Oh, yeah! Epiphany! Epiphany.
So you see, there is hope.
Won't you please send your donations and your love? Help us fight this Jheri Curl syndrome.
[Piano.]
Is it time.
.
.
for me to sing? Unfortunately, this year we could not get clearance on "Never Walk Alone.
" I was devastated.
So I wrote my own song.
I hope you like it.
Get up and shower your head all clean You're not going far with that crazy gleam Your head just looks like crap Put that grease ball under a tap Put that grease ball Under A Tap [No Audible Dialogue.]
[Dance.]
[Man Speaking.]
[Rapping.]
[Rapping.]
Marty? Marty? Listen to me, okay? You can't rush a Tracy Chapman song, all right? You know how the creative process is.
Man, that's just the way I get inspired.
I wait till the last minute.
Have I ever let you down? All right.
Then chill out, okay? I'll have the song tomorrow.
Peace.
[Muttering.]
[Woman.]
Hey, you give me backmy pocket book.
! - Shut up, you old bag of wrinkles.
!- Oh.
! Children today ain't got no respect for adults they see Knock you down and take your bag Make you have to bandage up your knee Hair all knotted Snot in the nose Half the niggers Ain't got no clothes I write a fast song The way I do it I can never go wrong I write a fast song Just look out my window see what's going on [Brakes Screeching, Crash.]
[Woman.]
Oh, my God.
! Old man hit by a bus I think he broke his neck Was shuffling down to the welfare line Had to pick up his check [Siren Wailing.]
Ambulance came took him away But he can't afford his hospital stay Metal twisted and turned There's a traffic jam and the buses burn [Woman.]
I'll kill you.
! I'll kill you.
! Big bad Ben hit his wife Miss Walker ran and got a butcher knife Ben don't look so tough no more He's running across the town like a little coward Oh, no, Miss Walker tripped over the cat Ben ran and grabbed a baseball bat I always thought things would get better But now he's got her in a choke hold Miss Walker picked up a statue Knocked him in the head Now he's out cold Uh-oh, he's up again I thought he was gone but not yet, he's back Miss Walker picked up a table Knocked him in the head and he's no longer able I write a fast song The way I do it I can never go wrong I write a fast song Just look out my window see what's goin' on The accused stands before you on trial for his sins.
Forgive me.
I loved it.
Did you? Liar! You only love your freedom.
Is that a sin? Your life will be a sad and lonely one.
I heard that.
You belong to no one.
You belong to no one.
You belong to no one.
If living with Oppression is a sin.
.
.
then I's be guilty! [Woman.]
Oppression for black men.
If only he wasn't so dark.
[Women Vocalizing.]
[Man, Women Vocalizing.]
[Singing.]
[Jukebox.]
This is gonna be great.
I hear the food here is just super.
- The decor is interesting.
- [Laughs.]
Good God Almighty, we got some more customers in here! Y'all go on and sit wherever y'all wanna sit.
The menus is up there by the Roach Motel.
Don't sit there.
That table's reserved.
You must not have been at Mama's place before.
You gonna sit where she ain't goin' to.
[Mumbling, Indistinct.]
Mama gonna have to spank you.
Mama gonna have to spank you.
Richard Simmons was an astronaut! [Phone Ringing.]
I'm the only one hear the phone ringin', huh? First break I get, everybody else goes deaf.
Mm-hmm.
Let me sit.
Hello.
Snack and Shack.
There'll be a 45 minute wait.
Prince? I don't care if you the Queen of Sheba.
.
.
you're gonna have to wait along with everybody else.
Think they're royalty, they get special treatment.
- I don't care.
- Pick it up! Fool, I said "beans," not "greens.
" - You said "greens.
" - I said "beans!" All right.
There you go.
Beans.
Pick it up and weigh it.
Don't mess with my pressure, woman.
Don't get my pressure up.
The only thing you goin' to get up anytime soon.
You need to put some batteries in that hearing aid, that's what I know.
- I didn't order no greens! - I know you didn't order no greens.
You didn't order no chicken, but you gonna get that, 'cause he needs new batteries.
Gettin' on my nerves.
Can't hear nothin'.
Why don't y'all go on and get yourself some water or somethin'? Actin' like you a stranger here at Mama's place.
- Makin' me feel all bad like that.
- [Chuckling.]
Mama gonna have to spank you if you keep on.
.
.
I'll takeJoan Collins to block! Oh, Lord! [Grunting.]
Oh! [Relieved Sigh.]
Help me.
I got some terrible bunions.
Onions.
Pick it up.
Mama's gonna take care of you, baby.
Mama gonna special treat you.
- We're cookin' now.
- Oh, look at you, baby.
Just a little twinkle in your eye, just like my grandbaby.
Mama gonna cook a little treat for you.
Let me see what Mama got down here.
Yeah.
How about a piece of pecan pie for my baby? Uh, I'll just, uh.
.
.
I'll save it for later, okay? You gonna hurt Mama's feelings like that? You want a piece of pie? No, thank you.
You know what I would like? Is a new fork, if I could.
- This one is filthy.
- Say what? - I'd like a new fork.
- Your fork is dirty? Oh, baby, that ain't nothin' but a little bit of dried-up cabbage.
- Garlic make my feet stink! - Thanks.
There you go, sweetheart.
It's as good as gold.
Baby, look at you.
You just as skinny as you wanna be.
Skinny as a bean pole.
Ain't she skinny as a bean pole? - Skinny as a bean pole.
- Fillet of sole! Pick it up! Um, I would just like the salmon croquettes, please.
Baby, you gonna have the Salisbury steak.
- I'm a vegetarian.
- Oh, I'm a Capricorn.
No.
See.
.
.
No, see, she doesn't eat red meat.
That's what she's trying to say.
Oh, you there, smarty-pants.
.
.
just like my little grandson.
Baby, Salisbury steak ain't red.
It's brown.
See, I don't eat anything that grazes.
That's why your teeth are so yellow.
Jell-O! Pick it up! Luther! Luther! I need a Salisbury steak.
.
.
and a double order of macaroni and cheese.
- Ain't no more Salisbury steak.
- We all out of Salisbury steak.
- Luther, we out of Salisbury steak? - Ain't no more Salisbury steak! Forget the steak.
Can I just have a Perrier, please? You want a pair of what? - No, a Perrier.
It's bottled water.
- It's French.
Ooh, this wig itches! - Oh, Lord! - [Groaning.]
Feels like somethin' done crawled up under my head and died.
This is disgusting.
I'd really like to speak to the owner, please.
- Baby, Mama got.
.
.
- Aw! - [Mumbles.]
- May I please speak to the owner? Ooh, my hair fallin' out on me.
- You wanna speak to the owner? - Yeah.
Leon, lady over here wanna speak to you.
I can make a booger talk! - All right.
- [Audience Cheering.]
All right.
Thank you.
As usual, we hope you had fun.
We had a good time doin' it for you.
Startin' May 27 th, tell them where the party's gonna be.
[All.]
Sunday! Peace! You can do what you wanna do In living color