Intelligence (2020) s01e06 Episode Script

1
Get me a background check on Jerry
Bernstein, I need to see his file.
You know someone's actually trying
to access your file right now.
He's hiding something.
I'm sure of it.
We're you disgraced at the NSA
and forced to take the position here.
No.
Motherfu (GRUNTS)
Heard.
Anyway, I'm taking Melissa
up the Orinoco for her birthday,
so that will be nice.
Is it a surprise?
I hope so.
(BOTH LAUGH)
(PHONE CHIMES)
There you go.
Oh, no, I don't think those are ours.
Yeah, they are. I ordered these.
Thank you.
Jerry, I can't. I'm on duty.
Dude, come on.
How often do we get to do this?
Huh?
I'm just gonna cut to the chase.
Oh, man, I love this track!
Oh, yeah. So, anyway, as part of
my work at the FBI,
we've been investigating
a few of the officers at the NSA.
Right. Right.
Hey, you want to dance?
Uh, no, not right now.
So, we've just filed a report,
and I hate to do this to you, buddy.
You know what?
Whatever you're about to say,
surely it can wait three minutes.
Jerry. Jerry, please don't make this
more difficult than it already is.
I've been asked to bring you in,
but I'm sure it's just a formality.
Man, I'm in the middle of
my dance here. Come on!
Jerry, whatever you did, I'm sure
the NSA can strike a deal.
Whoo! Man, you still got it.
OK.
Yeah!
Why don't we just go
pay for our drinks.
Yeah, we'll just go.
(LAUGHS)
What? What?
That's my gun.
Yeah.
That's my gun. Jerry.
Jerry. No, no, no, no, no.
Yes.
Jerry.
Let's do this!
Whoo-hoo!
Please, Jerry.
No, no, no, no.
No! Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Jerry, no.
(GUNSHOT)
(SCREAMING)
Oh, God! Is this because
I'm sleeping with Melissa?!
WHAT?!
(BREATHLESSLY) Sorry I'm late.
I overslept.
You look really well, Mary.
Did you have a nice weekend?
Yes. Mum died.
Oh!
Oh, God.
No, it's actually quite nice.
I get to choose my own clothes
and everything.
Well, if that's everything,
I promised the Foreign Office
an update on the Karazamov file.
It seems like there are now concerns
there may be a mole here at GCHQ.
The fuck?
Fortunately, it's not for
any of you to worry about.
Just to let you know,
I might be going on a little holiday
after I've made all of Mum's
funeral arrangements.
And when is that?
Well, it was supposed to be
Wednesday,
but then there was
a mix-up at church.
So now I've had to have her
back home for a few days.
How are you storing her?
Because if it gets too warm,
she might explode.
Oh, gosh, well, she's just in
the spare room at the minute
because next-door's dog
kept finding her.
Fantastic. Shall we crack on?
Let me know if you want
a hand with any of that.
My uncle used to run a funeral
parlour back at home.
Really? Wow.
He actually invented
a number of techniques
for putting the body into various
shapes when in the coffin.
Will it be an open casket?
Possibly, yes.
And will should be face up?
I hope so.
Yeah. Because he used to do things
like have the person waving like
Or beckoning you over.
Or like they were trying to
climb out, you know, like
Ooh.
I was just wondering
if it might be easier to cremate.
How's work?
At home?
Well, no, with a ceremony
and everything,
but I just thought
it could be quicker.
Yes, or you could partially cremate
her and then bury what's left.
It's a bit like starting off
a jacket potato in the microwave.
Somebody's here.
Right.
And?
FBI.
And do they have a name?
Um Clint Foster.
Oh!
Sorry it must have been
something I ate.
Sorry, who did you say
was here again?
Clint Foster.
Oh!
Jerry, are you alright?
Uh-huh.
Right. I have no idea who that is.
Did he leave a message?
No, he's in your office.
My off (RETCHES)
Oh, my God.
You did plant the spy cam
in Jerry's office.
Yeah.
(COMPUTER BEEPS)
Did you turn it on?
I see you cropped me out of
our graduation photo.
Did I? What do you want, Clint?
Well, Jer
Oh, was that your bad toe?
No.
Listen, I know this is awkward.
Not as awkward as you
sitting on my desk.
Jerry.
Clint.
Jerry.
Clint.
When
Clint.
Jerry.
Clint, what?
Just be
We need to talk.
No, you don't tell me what to do.
First, get off my desk.
Stand There you go.
OK.
And now I want you to shut the door
and come inside your office.
No. You know what?
We need to swap places.
One, two, three, swap.
Now get the fuck out of my office!
Jerry! Jerry!
Go on!
Jerry. We need to talk.
You get the hell out of here.
OK? I never want to see you again.
What's going on?
You want to tell her, Clint? Huh?
You wanna explain to everyone
how you slept with my wife?
Look, neither of us meant
for that to happen.
Oh, yeah? What?
Did it just fall in there, huh?
How many times? How many times
did you sleep with her?
Jesus, Jerry, let's not do
this in front of everyone.
No, I'm sure they all want
to know anyway.
How many?
Including last night?
(GRUNTS)
Mm-hm.
Eight or nine
..hundred times.
What?
Why? Why, Clint?
I don't know.
Because maybe I haven't
felt this way
about anybody since Kimberly died.
I don't even know who that is.
Kimberly.
My first wife.
Got hit by a truck.
Oh, Kimberly.
Listen, Jerry, why don't
you and I go find a place
where we can talk in private?
It's for your own good.
No,
I'm not going to
grant a divorce, Clint.
Screw Melissa and screw you.
You and me are done.
Is that why you think I'm here?
The NSA have called your case
back into review.
I'm here to take you home.
The plane leaves tonight.
(RETCHES)
Oh!
OK, so, naturally, I have
a few things I'd like to say,
and I'm sure you have
a few questions of your own.
Or absolutely tons.
But for now, just in
the interests of time,
I'd appreciate
if you didn't interrupt.
So obviously you're aware
that I work for the NSA.
Do you want me to say
even when I agree?
Well, some indication that
you're alive would be nice.
Sorry, yeah, of course I know that.
Yeah.
Anyway, you remember how I also said
I was close to the president?
Are you waiting for me to respond?
Yeah.
I don't know. I don't know.
Well, I was.
Right.
Now, let's just say I was approached
by a member of his team
to look into ways in which
I could potentially influence
the results of the election,
purely from a cyber perspective.
Did that actually happen, then?
Doesn't matter.
But let's just say a high-ranking
figure asked you to do the same.
What would you do?
Oh, I wouldn't even know
where to start.
I struggle with Excel
sometimes, so
OK, sure.
But put yourself in my shoes.
You're someone at the NSA who's
been working on this stuff for years.
You're at the top of your game.
You're kind of amazing.
Yeah.
Which is why you find yourself
on vacation with this senator
who's acting like you're best buds.
Right.
In which case I would say,
"Listen, we're best buds,
"but, you know, I work with NSA,
I'm not allowed to talk about it."
Well, of course, that's
what you're MEANT to say.
But now imagine you're in
this beautiful sushi bar.
Oh, lovely.
You've already consumed
several bottles of sake.
Oh, hell.
Tina Turner is in one corner
of the room.
Why?
It doesn't matter.
Is she singing?
She's asleep.
I'm just trying to
paint a picture here.
My point is there's a world
in which you might share
some highly classified intel.
Right?
Not if it undermined
national security, no.
But what if you knew it would
make your country stronger,
safer, more American?
Isn't that verging on treason,
though?
By whose definition?
The legal definition.
Then, yeah.
Aren't you worried about that?
I am now.
Oh, they can't send you back.
What will I do all day?
My point is, there is
a world in which
you might share some highly
classified
Is it working now?
Perfectly.
Do you mind if I stay
at Dad's tonight?
JERRY: What if you knew
it would make
Yes, I do.
..more American?
Well, guys, unless anyone knows
how to avoid an extradition order,
I guess this is it.
Clint's given me
till the end of the day
to wrap everything up
and say my goodbyes.
Shame you didn't get married
while you were over here.
Why?
I could avoid extradition
if I'd married a Brit.
I think so.
It's how Paddington avoided
being sent back to Peru.
I don't know, maybe
it's different for bears.
Wait a minute.
Couldn't we just pretend I married
one of you guys months ago
and forged the documents?
Tuva, would you
No.
What about Mary?
Oh, gosh.
I'd love to, it's just me
and Quentin have started, you know.
No, it's OK. People wouldn't have
bought us as a couple anyway,
given your whole, you know, face.
But who else is there?
What?
OK, we need to make this
absolutely bullet proof.
The NSA are going to want to see
witness testimonials,
marriage certificates,
wedding footage.
What about your wife?
Melissa?
Can you kill her off?
On paper, I mean.
Sure, I can do that.
Can it be crocodiles?
Sure, I can do that.
When do you want to say
that you got married?
9/11?
It's gotta be more recent than that.
I just read a lot of hotel wedding
packages are much cheaper that day.
Hey, I don't wanna go cheap.
If we're gonna go through with this,
I wanna go all out.
Great. Hey, I won't get into trouble
with the NSA for doing this, will I?
Hey, listen, this is all on me, OK?
If you guys go down,
I'll be right behind you.
(PHONE VIBRATES)
(DISCONNECTED TONE BEEPS)
OK, so, for the NSA to buy this,
they have to believe that
we are completely in love
and that our love for each other
is so intense
it would break your heart
if I left you, OK?
Are you comfortable with that?
God, yeah. Yeah.
Alright, let's do this.
Oh, take that off.
OK.
Do you want to put it
No, just throw it on the floor.
Great. Smile. Smile.
Do you want that there?
You don't need to.
Smile.
OK.
Are you ready?
We should be laughing
as we kind of go into it.
OK.
(BOTH LAUGH)
So, how long have you
and Jerry been an item?
Oh, God. Well, since
the first day he arrived.
I mean, it was like
being attacked by a bull.
And did you mind the age difference?
Um not really, no.
No, no.
It was
No, I didn't.
No. I mean, I think when you're
truly in love with someone
you just don't really see age.
Mm, yeah.
You know, even when it's, you know,
really quite, quite big.
But, um yeah,
occasionally I'll wake up at night
and just be like, "Oh, God,
you know, like, when I'm 70,
"he'll be, what 130, 140?
140 or something.
We should probably move on.
I mean, the sex is
Is what?
Yeah, I don't think we should talk
Let's not mention that.
It's nothing. It's nothing.
So, are you and Jerry
living together now?
We are.
Oh, absolutely. Yeah, we are.
Thank goodness, because
there was a while there
that it was almost painful
that we were apart so much.
It was a very difficult 24 hours.
But, I mean, I'm still living
with my dad.
So it is quite tight, isn't it?
Yep.
Look at this smile!
Just Oh!
Sorry, for the edit,
maybe ask about kids.
You know, like, we're like,
we've been talking about kids.
OK, OK.
I think it'll help the case.
Do you like kids?
I like kids. We both like kids.
It's funny you should ask because
We have five kids.
Oh, you have five kids.
So, we
And how old?
Whew!
How old are they now?
Yes.
(SIGHS) What, they're, well
..five, four
..three, two and one.
Yeah, we're not gonna be able
to use any of that.
Listen, I just want to thank you
for your cooperation.
You could have made this all
a lot more difficult.
Anytime.
Don't take this the wrong way,
but we have a nickname for you
back in the States.
The Iron Curtain.
You're impenetrable.
Why would I take that the wrong way?
I very much enjoyed last night.
Yes. Me too.
I just wondered if you could
check under your bed.
My external hard drive's
gone missing.
I haven't seen it.
It's very sensitive.
Quentin, do you have your camera?
Yes.
OK, get ready.
(SHOES TAP LOUDLY)
Are you sure this is gonna be OK?
It's the only suit
they had in your size, sorry.
No, I'm not supposed to see you.
It's bad luck.
So should I just walk in
from the back?
Yeah. Do you have any music?
I could sing something.
Oh. Well, that's up to the bride.
Oh, no, I'd love that.
Cool.
OK.
Let's do this.
(SINGS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
(SHOES TAP LOUDLY)
(STOPS SINGING)
(RESUMES SINGING)
(STOPS SINGING)
(RESUMES SINGING)
OK, I think we're good.
It's beautiful.
Joseph, repeat after me.
Repeat after me.
I do solemnly declare
(MIMICS) I do solemnly declare
..that I, Joseph Harries
..that I, Joseph Harries
Just use your own voice.
Oh.
Try it again, please.
I do solemnly declare
I do solemnly declare
..that I, Joseph Harries
..that I
..Joseph Harries
..Joseph Harries
..know not of any
lawful impediment
..know not of any lawful
Impediment.
Impediment.
..impediment
..why I should not be married
to Jerry Apache Bernstein.
..why I should not be married
to Jerry Apache Bernstein.
Apart from the outstanding
extradition order.
But I'm sure we'll
OK, we'll edit that out later.
Uh, Tuva, do you have the rings?
What?
So it was a bit unsure as to
how this might work out,
but it's good to know you know
how to play with the big boys.
Well, it isn't all the time
we get to cooperate
alongside one of our oldest
and closest allies.
You know, if you're ever looking
for a way out of this shithole,
we'd love someone like you
at the FBI.
You've certainly earned
your points with the NSA.
Maybe now they'll take us seriously.
(LAUGHS) Maybe.
(BEEPING)
EVELYN: Where is everyone?
What do you mean where is everyone?
I don't know.
(SIGHS)
Joseph Harries, with this ring s,
I thee wed.
Oh, lovely. Thank you.
Take that.
Um Jerry Apache Bernstein,
With this skull ring, I thee wed.
Aww.
Without further ado,
it gives me great pleasure
to pronounce you partners in law.
Oh, sorry, yeah.
(SMASH!)
(ALL CHEER)
And now kiss the bride.
Oh, I don't think we
OK, now we turn around.
Chris. Hey. Sorry, we were just
Filming.
..filming a short
Porno.
Show reel. Show reel.
Yeah, I've got a buddy
in the adult film industry
who's looking for a few dwarfs
for his next project.
Really? Because what it looks
like is your staging a wedding
in order to avoid immediate
extradition to the United States
where you're highly likely
to face charges of treason.
Jerry, buddy,
you really think this is
going to make a difference?
Come on, we're leaving.
Hang on.
I must say, I do find it staggering
that the FBI and the NSA
should choose to pin all this
on an individual.
Jerry is unequivocally one
of the most average officers
I've ever had the pleasure
of working with.
So to somehow imply that he could
have influenced an entire election
not only insults my intelligence,
which in case you hadn't already
figured, is really quite high,
but also stinks of the NSA
looking for a scapegoat
to save its own skin.
We all make mistakes.
All of us.
I once overcooked beef.
But although it may not look it,
we are only human and we live
in increasingly testing times.
So perhaps even people like Jerry
deserve a second chance.
Just maybe not a third.
For now, though,
he remains one of us.
My responsibility.
And I won't have him suddenly
taken away from this "shithole",
particularly as I can have
this whole saga wrapped up
in so much red tape that
before you're even allowed
to so much as look at Jerry again,
everyone in this room will
have passed away, even Evelyn.
Oh, my God.
They're gonna come after you,
no matter what.
Don't say I didn't warn you.
Whatever. No.
Wow, Chris.
I didn't realise I was
such a valuable asset to GCHQ.
'Asset' is one word for it.
'Leverage' is another.
Imagine how much intel the NSA
might be willing to give away
if we held on to you.
Right. So I'm kind of like a ransom.
That's cool.
It's still a compliment, right?
Right?
Sorry, Chris, can I just check,
do we still get time off
for a honeymoon?
To Chris!
No, no, pick that up!
(ALL CHEER)
(PHONE VIBRATES)
(CHEERING CONTINUES)
(ALL TALK LOUDLY)
(SPEAKS RUSSIAN)
Mary Mary, we're doing shots.
Hey, come do a shot!
Come do a shot.