It's a Date (2013) s01e06 Episode Script

OK, if you are amazing, he will be amazed.
Ben will be amazed.
Whoa, a lot of tension in there, Jane.
You know, it's very important to spend about five minutes a day just stretching your neck a little bit.
How is the pressure, though, is that alright? Yeah, it's great, thanks Ben.
Should start charging for these soon, guys.
What do you reckon? Get a bit of extra cash.
Hey, have you read this? No.
He's an amazing man and that is an amazing book.
I miss him.
Thanks, Ben.
As we all know, Rosalind is off for a month after her hubby Ian's greyhound bit her in the face at the dish lickers last Thursday night.
In her place is young gun Vicky Peterson, who's going to present her progress report.
So please give her a hand.
Who's Vicky Peterson? Yeah, Vicky, from HR.
Right.
Must be new.
Who's that? Oh, my God.
His name's Kane.
He is hilarious.
He just got back from overseas.
He's, like, a really well-respected artist.
You should talk to him.
Ohh We said we were going to meet guys tonight.
He's fun and different and you're always talking to the boring and safe guys.
Yeah, that's because the boring guys are safer.
Maybe it's time you took a risk, Gin.
Ohh! Penetrate defence! Defence! Defence! One, two, three, four! Do you think you know what you know? Well, I'm here to tell you, you don't know squat.
Wipe away your expectations.
Stop the pity party and turn up the heat.
Break open your minds.
Call the authorities, because change is in the building.
I need a volunteer.
I'm just going to pick someone completely random out of the crowd.
Ben! Do you want to come up here? Alright.
OK, I will.
Hi.
Uh Hello.
I was just wondering if you wanted to go out for a drink tomorrow night.
No, I would not like to go out for a drink with you tomorrow night.
Oh, OK.
But hey! Why should we wait that long? What about lunch? OK.
Here's my number.
Oh, mate, that is Gin.
She looks different, though.
I think she's had a nose job.
Loves her G&Ts.
That's why we call her Gin.
And her name's Virginia.
Well played, my friend.
Well played.
One, two, three, four! Very good.
I usually feel really awkward when I see a woman trying too hard, but you pulled it off.
Well done.
Can I just say that? What are you doing Fri night? Fri night? Friday night.
Tonight, what are you doing? A few knock-offs? A few cheekies with some workmates? Head out on the town? There's a great Thai fusion place in the city which I'd love to take you to.
They write all their menus on old sneakers.
Do you drive? I've got a new car, which I just bought recently.
Got everything I need.
Heated seats, a smart key, LED lighting in the glove box.
Or we could split a cab and there'd be no designated drivers.
You know, up to you.
Oh, I hate designated drivers.
Great! What do you say, then? Are you in? Yeah, absolutely.
Confirmed.
Um, yeah.
Sounds amazing.
Alright, it's a date, then.
High five.
Whoo! Whoo! Alright! Whoo! Hey.
Hey.
Virginia.
Yes, that's me.
How are you going? Uh Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Jesus.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Was that a bit loud in your ear? It's alright.
I'm sure the ringing's gonna stop in a minute, so it's fine.
Yeah.
Oh.
My God, I've still got bits of watermelon in my hair from last night.
Oh.
That's right, last night.
Yeah.
That was That was funny.
They were a real hit, weren't they? Oh, well, you know, coke AND booze.
Yep.
Let's get a drink, eh? Hair of the dog.
- Do you like nice restaurants? - Yeah, I do.
I only eat at nice restaurants these days.
I figure, why not? You know, I work really hard.
Treat yourself.
Hey, um do you mind if I sit in that one? No.
Is that weird? Sorry, I just hate having my back to the action.
Makes me feel a little bit anxious.
That's alright.
I mean, I hate watching people eat so that's perfect.
Oh, win-win.
Great.
I love win-wins.
You know about win-wins? Yeah.
Yeah, they're so positive.
It's my favourite expression.
Imagine if every war was a win-win? Hey? Peace on earth.
Do you watch movies? Yeah.
Oh, I love movies.
I could watch a million of them.
Actually, correction.
I love good movies.
Blind Side, Cast Away, Shawshank Redemption.
I think this would be a perfect moment to share a childhood memory to, like, break the ice or something.
Oh, actually, and Little Fockers.
Cannot forget.
It's so funny.
Piss funny.
Have you seen it? Yeah.
It's so funny.
Menu? Yeah, let's do it.
Totally.
Oh, how awesome is this? We're ordering off sneakers.
You can see why Dannii Minogue tweeted about it.
Yeah, tweeting.
Twitter.
Let's talk about that.
Hey, I've already downloaded the menu online, so I was just thinking of just ordering straight from this.
I've pretty much figured out what we're going to get, so Um, you're right to share? Yeah.
Yeah.
Oh, I love sharing.
It's the best way to go.
Everyone in Spain is sharing and they know how to eat, let me tell you right now.
I'd love to go to Spain, one day.
Spend a few weeks there.
Do a bit of writing, maybe a novel or something.
Yeah.
We're going to go the soft fish tacos, I'm going to go the walnut shrimp, and we'll get the tofu with black mushrooms.
That's great.
Oh, and the crab asparagus fried rice.
I love rice.
Love it.
Uh, did you get all that, mate? Or do you want me to send the PDF to the kitchen? I can do that.
No, mate, I got it.
It's got saved from last time? That's good.
Oh, and maybe two Asahis as well, please? Yeah, no worries.
Yes.
Oh, great idea.
I love Asahis.
I mean, they're a bit more expensive, but worth the extra yen.
Very, very good, Vicky.
Bravo.
I've got you picked as a as a Midori girl? Uh Actually, why don't we do shots? I don't actually drink.
You're not drinking tonight? No, I don't drink at all.
You've never drunk? Oh, look, I used to have a drink or two, but it just wasn't really for me.
Well, alcohol's not for everyone at first.
My first beer tasted like camel's piss, but, you know, like a good Australian, struggled through.
Yeah.
I just It doesn't really suit me.
Yeah.
Does that include wine? Oh, definitely not wine.
Do you know that a standard glass of white wine has 150 calories? Uh, have you had a chance to look at the menu? Yeah, it's just What? Well, there's nothing really there for me.
What do you mean? Well, everything's full of bloody carbs, calories, sugar, fats.
I mean, that's before the sauces.
Don't get me started on hollandaise sauce.
That shit should be illegal.
It's unsafe.
I'm ordering the nuggets.
OK.
Well, nuggets is actually made up of beaks, feet, tongues, cheeks and bits of their neck.
Yeah, well, it's still chicken.
It's not panda.
Yeah, it's just I'm vegan, so Oh.
Oh.
Yes! This is so good.
Compliments to the chef, by the way, wherever you are.
So good.
I don't usually like cashews in meals, but it actually really works in this dish, I reckon.
Have you tried yours yet? I'm actually allergic to cashews, bee stings and certain brands of bandaids.
Are you allergic to anything? You know what? I just can't take my eyes off this cutlery.
It's really nice cutlery.
Got a really good weight to it.
Really nice balance in the hand.
Think it's Danish, actually.
Yep.
Oh maybe.
Dunno.
Good weight, though.
I reckon I could bend it.
Do you reckon I could bend it? Have you got your phone? Good camera? Yeah.
Get it out.
Get it out.
Quick, quick, quick, quick, quick.
Tell me when you're rolling.
Call action.
Action.
G'day.
I'm Ben Watson, and I'm going to bend a fork.
Come on.
You're doing it.
I swear, it's bending.
It's bend um Are you OK? Gimme yours.
God! That's OK, you're It's not going to bend.
It's OK.
It's probably just one of those forks designed not to bend.
You know, titanium, probably.
It's tricked up, somehow.
It's somehow Do you mind if I go to the bathroom? They've rigged it.
I reckon they knew I was coming, I reckon.
That is so annoying.
She couldn't decide if she wanted the light ones or the dark ones.
I thought the dark ones were more slimming, but she went with the light ones.
Anyway, she got them home, and then she realised that she was sort of this in-between size.
I'd probably say they were a little bit more loose than they were tight, but, anyway, she went with those ones.
Sorry.
Go on.
So, anyway, she took them back to the shop, and the sales assistant, she was so rude about it.
I mean, that's her job, right? So did your Mum get to exchange the jeans or not? No, she didn't.
Just they don't return sale items.
I think Mum washed them.
Wow.
So what do you do with your life when you're not ruining people's food with your Nazi propaganda? Um OK.
I work at a gym.
I'm actually training to be a PT at the moment.
What's a PT? Personal trainer.
Why not just say 'personal trainer'? OK, it's happening.
This is what we wanted.
You look good.
Your hair's behaving.
Appropriate energy levels.
Hydrated.
Clear diction.
Just remember, Steve Jobs, motivational talks on TED Talk, leather jackets, Bircher muesli, shoes.
Right, OK.
Uh, so Penny told me that you're an artist.
Do you draw, or do you paint? Uh, I'm an illustrator.
Um, well, I'd love to get into kids' books.
You know, do a cool, funny book that's not patronising to kids.
That's the goal.
That sounds great.
It's bloody difficult to get into.
Nobody's buying books anymore, so unless you've got a TV show on Nickelodeon, and don't get me started on that little bitch Dora the Explorer.
In the meantime, I'm a court sketch artist.
I guess that must be fun.
I drew three rapists yesterday.
Right.
Do you have any pets? Ohh! Please tell me I'm not the only one here who thinks that this isn't going spectacularly well? No.
No, I actually agree with you.
This is just not really working for us, is it? When you were telling me that story about how much I'd have to jog to burn off a Freddo Frog, I seriously thought about killing myself three or four times.
Yeah, well, when you were telling the story about buying your Dad's trailer That was Uncle Terry's trailer, actually.
I don't even care.
I was trying so hard to look like I was listening, but I wasn't.
I was just thinking in my head, 'Have I taped Ice Loves Coco?' What's Ice Loves Coco? It's only the best TV show ever.
Well, I haven't seen it, but I strongly disagree.
OK, well, it's Ice-T the rapper, and his wife, Coco.
Coco Chanel? No, she's just like this blonde body builder, and they've got cameras, they follow them around, and they film their life.
I don't know, it seems a bit silly but I like to watch it.
I would rather fire a nail gun into my left testicle than watch a single episode of Iced Coco, or whatever it is.
So, Ben, I'd love to know, where did you get your shoes from? Online.
Online.
I do all my shoe shopping online.
Absolutely.
Best way to go.
Easy.
Whenever old Neddy's not giving me a hard time at work and I've got ten minutes off, I'll jump online, have a browse.
And if I know my show size off by heart, which I do - US 8, UK 10, Australia 11 - all I've gotta do is punch in those details very, very quickly, which I can now 'cause they're saved, 'cause I go to that website quite a lot.
And I gotta put my shipping address in there, billing address - is it the same as my shipping address? No, it's not, so I've gotta put in those details as well.
MasterCard, yes, please.
And then you confirm, do I want it gift-wrapped? No, because I'm not a loser who sends myself presents.
You know, as if I'd send it gift-wrapped.
No thanks.
You know what I'm talking about? Yeah.
Sorry.
Feel like I've been jabbering on for about 50 billion hours.
I haven't even asked about your parents.
Tell me about your parents.
Oh, um, my parents were both teachers Oh! And my Dad taught biology.
Oh, too funny.
Too funny.
Whoa, whoa, hey! Um, uh, take it easy there, buddy.
I've paid for the whole drink.
I wouldn't mind finishing it.
Sorry, sir.
Yeah.
Nah, but while you're here, actually, I will grab another one, and so will she.
What would you rather? Walk into a McDonald's, order a 30-cent cone, completely naked, or not drink for a year? You're an amateur.
I mean, the only thing I love more than 30-cent cones is being naked.
Oh, OK.
Well, you must be pretty comfortable with what you've got down there.
Yeah, it's weather dependent, but, you know, I'm doing alright.
My turn.
Alright.
OK.
Would you rather beat a baby seal to death with a Gray-Nicolls cricket bat, or eat cheesy-crust pizza every single day for the rest of your life? Club a seal.
You're a vegan.
Yeah, but I wouldn't eat the seal.
I'm a middle child.
Older brother, younger sister There is nothing worse, sorry, in this world than a waiter with an attitude problem.
And all this after I told him my app idea.
Have I? Hang on, have I told you my app idea? You are gonna love this.
It's actually a really good idea.
Beer goggles.
Before I do tell you, though, um, there's something I Ohh.
There's something I just need to tell you quickly, alright? And I'm gonna kick myself if I don't say it.
It feels silly, but I just want to say it.
It's OK.
I know what you're about to say, and I'm pretty sure I know what you're about to say because I feel the same way.
I love you, too.
I've loved you ever since you asked me to change the toner in the photocopier.
My favourite part of the day is putting biscuits in the biscuit jar.
Monte Carlos, though, because I know that they're your favourite.
I know that you broke the microwave when you were trying to heat up pasta bake wrapped in alfoil and you you blamed the cleaners.
I know that when I serenaded you at the Christmas in July party you were kissing kissing Natalie from accounts.
But when I felt your erection on my hip when we were doing the conga, I wasn't sure if it was just in my head.
But now I know I'm not crazy.
Your erection that night was really meant for me.
It's It's hard to say I took up smoking so I could hang out with you on the balcony at 12:45, 8:15, 10 to 4.
And I know you've quit and I'm trying to do the same, but, um, you know, it's not that easy.
I'm finding it hard.
But it's OK because the smell of smoke, it reminds me of you.
It reminds me of you.
Would you rather? Tongue-kiss a homeless man I'm going to say, condom full of heroin.
Punch a monkey in the face.
Wax all of it off.
Chastity belt.
Kochie.
From behind.
I'd have the hoofs for hands.
I would do it, but just the very, very end of it.
OK.
You know what we've done here? What? I'll tell you what we've done here.
We've resuscitated this date.
It was DOA.
What's DOA? Dead on arrival.
Why not just say 'dead on arrival', then? Oh, I see what you've done there.
Very nice work.
Thank you.
Now I have got perhaps one of the greatest 'would you rathers?' that involves pirates, pickled cucumbers and lesbians.
But you're gonna have to wait until I've had a slash.
OK.
OK.
Ooh! Ow! Ooohh.
- Ouchie.
- You right, mate? Sorry about that, ladies and germs.
Apologies.
Thank you very much.
Can we just go back a little bit? How do you know so much stuff about me? 'Cause didn't we just meet earlier today for the first time? Like, aren't you the newbie at work, or? What? What are you? Wha-What? What are you saying? What are YOU saying? Er Of course I'm a newbie.
It was a joke! Oh! I was just jok Everyone knows I'm a jokester.
Um I do this on the first date.
Oh! That is really, really funny.
That is great stuff.
You had me, completely had me.
Hilarious.
So, um, what were you going to tell me? Um, I thought you were gonna Yeah.
What what were you going to say? I was just gonna ask you to sign a confidentiality agreement, actually, that I've had typed up, because I was gonna tell you my app idea - beer goggles.
So, yeah, I brought a pen.
Oh, that is so funny.
So, yeah, if it's no trouble, not that I don't trust you.
You're a lovely girl.
I just don't want to get myself into a Wozniak situation, you know what I'm saying? Just sign there.
Of course.
Awesome.
Great.
Yeah.
Full name.
Great.
I'll witness it.
Excellent.
Thank you very much.
So now you've got what you need, I'm just gonna go, 'cause I've got lots of work to do, being new and all.
No, no, no, don't go.
This is having fun.
We're starting to get vibed, it was good, starting to get to know ya.
Really? Yeah, yeah.
Tell me three things about me.
Yeah, you've got brown hair and you look like a mousier version of Keira Knightley.
What's my surname? Was I allergic to anything tonight? Do I have any siblings? Easy.
Your surname's Olsen, you're allergic to shellfish and you're an only child.
Peterson.
Cashews.
Middle child.
Yeah Thanks for a lovely night.
I'm out.
Oh, and by the way, there are heaps of beer goggle apps already, so good luck with that.
That is bullshit.
Shit.
OK, this is the best one yet.
Yeah, I think we've A pirate .
.
sort of exhausted that game a little bit, don't you think? We were having fun.
Yeah Actually, do you have the time? Yeah.
It's the same time as on your phone.
Yeah, I'm just really worried about getting a parking ticket, that's all.
I can ride my pushie up.
I'll plug your meter.
No, it's fine.
You don't have to do that.
I think it's probably time we just wrapped it up.
You saw me fall, didn't you? Yeah, I did.
Sorry, it's it's just I can't unsee what I saw.
Mum, Mum, Mum.
Yeah, it's Benny.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, hey Yeah, no, it went well.
Yeah, yeah, she was cool.
Yeah, she was funny.
Yeah, hey, can you come and pick me up? Yeah, that'd be great.
Just tape it.
Great, yeah, just text me when you're out the front.
Alright, cool.
So what'd you see? You saw a man fall over.
Happens all the time.
Yeah, but it was just so awkward and, you know, vulnerable and now I just feel sad for you.
You don't have to be sad for me.
I'm fine.
Yeah, I just think after seeing that, if I'm being really honest, I don't think I could ever really be attracted to you.
What, so so you've never done anything wrong in your life? Never fallen over, tripped, got jelly legs, dizzy? No, because I'm in control of my life.
You used to be fat.
Didn't you? No.
No, no, no.
You did.
You know, a boomba, a fatty-fatty-fatso, large, plus-sized, chunkosaurus, a heifer.
Who told you? Nobody told me.
It's obvious.
The way you talk about food and exercise, the way you don't drink.
You're so desperate to be in control, you must have been out of control at some stage.
OK, yeah, I was.
Is that what you're looking for? I was a massively overweight, blackout drunk who used to sleep with bosses, football teams, every member of a Hootie & the Blowfish cover band.
Harry & the Blowfish? I know the lead singer, Harry Gounaris.
I headbutted a busker once.
They can be annoying.
He probably deserved it.
She.
Ah.
I drove a Vespa through the front window of a Fantastic Furniture.
They caught it on security tape, and that tape went viral.
I'll google that when I get home.
I've had my stomach pumped eight times.
It's good for weight loss, apparently.
I set my hair on fire smoking an overpacked pipe.
I slept with my cousin at my little sister's First Holy Communion.
And he had a goatee.
Sorry.
Thanks, mate.
Probably could have paid that online, actually.
Oh, yeah.
Is this yours, mate? Uh I knew it.
I knew there was something else there.
You're projecting this image of perfection, and it's bullshit.
I'd rather - much rather - hang out with the train-wreck version of you.
At least that's real.
No.
There is absolutely no way I am going back to being her.
I'm not saying let's go stack a Vespa through a furniture shop window, but just relax and be yourself.
OK.
Well, what about you? What about me? I don't know.
Must be so tiring for you, being so confident and crazy and honest all the time.
All you're doing is you're getting drunk and you're doing drugs and blaming bloody Dora the Explorer for the fact that you've never actually gone after what you really want.
Hey, when I went to the bathroom before, did you steal a Burger Ring? You're a prick.
Don't fall over on your way out.
Fatso.
Fuck! Hey, Virginia! Virginia, big deal! So you're an ex-fatty who used to drink too much and physically assaulted a busker.
I'm a 37-year-old man-child with watermelon in his hair who doesn't have a driver's licence.
Occasionally I use the power of my honesty to blanket over some insecurities.
You hate me.
I hate you.
Why don't we be adult about this and shake? And you can waltz off to your sweet-arse car park and I can ride off on my bicycle into the sunset, ya fuckin' muppet.
Hey! Hey! Hey, what are you doing?! What are YOU doing?! Fuckin' hell! Get off! I'm gonna dak ya! What? I'm gonna dak ya! Dak me? What are YOU doing? You're hitting yourself! It's you! Whoo-hoo! I think that's the Vespa chick from Fantastic Furniture.
'Jackets, shoes, birthday, Aquarius' What do you think? Uh, well, I think I look pretty happy for someone on trial for murder.
Well, it was just a busker.
Oh.
You know, fuck 'em.
What can I do you for, Sam? I was wondering if I could meet you sometime.
How old are you, Sam? Here I am, The Pig.
I would like you to join me in my room, and I don't mean to talk.
Struth, woman! You're gamer than the dog's cock.
Your mum?! I'm not into that sick shit.
Sisters, maybe.
But not mother and daughter.
What if the old fella gets stage fright? Wouldn't know whether to fondle it or iron it.
I'll put the Fabulon on stand-by, Doug.