Just Good Friends (1983) s01e06 Episode Script

1 I think the guitar is such an emotive instrument.
Don't you? Mm.
Remember Duane Eddy? Duane Eddy?! Sometimes you can be so shallow.
Maybe that's why so many people have run aground on you.
- I used to like Duane Eddy - Sh-ssssh! It seems to embrace all human emotion, doesn't it? Haunting and beguiling, dramatic and, at the same time, tender.
And underneath it all, that overpowering feeling of sexuality.
Shall I turn it up? Can't you feel the sun just beating down on those small cobbled streets and red-tiled roofs of an old Catalonian village? Yeah.
This is "Fantasy Opus Number Seven" by Fernando Sor, isn't it? Yeah.
I thought so.
One can tell by the introductory largo non tanto.
Oh, yeah, that's always a dead giveaway, innit? Have you noticed, Pen, how the first section is centred upon C Minor? This probably accounts for Sor's unusual avoidance of a minor-mode variation on his C Major theme.
- Does it? - I thought everyone knew that.
Oh, yes, of course.
I remember now.
You don't forget things like that in a hurry.
Mind you, Pen, to play this piece successfully, it is necessary to share Sor's grief.
To introduce the slightest element of theatricality is to step over the line of pomposity, beyond which the guitar trespasses at its peril.
Oh, of course.
Gets on your nerves after a while, don't it? You can have too much of a good thing.
- You rat bag! - Had you going, didn't it? You don't think I fell for all that? Your musical appreciation falls short of the Bay City Rollers! - That's a bit below the belt.
- Come on, Vince.
You were once moved to tears by "Wild Thing".
That was a long time ago.
My horizons have widened since then.
Look at my record collection.
Tchaikovsky, Beethoven, Shosta Bach, the lot.
- You actually listen to them, do you? - Listen? I know every word.
Thank you.
Pen Um, have you anything by Elton John? I've got a Watford programme in the bedroom.
Pen No.
You're asking me to commit myself.
No, I'm asking you to come to bed.
- Same thing.
- It never used to be.
That was before you walked out on me on our wedding day.
- You always bring that up.
- Of course! It changed the entire course of my life! Up until that day, I could see my road laid out clearly in front of me.
Paved with yellow bricks Vince, I don't think a hernia would suit you.
Sorry.
There's one other small point you forget.
I'm still officially married to Graham.
But you broke up over two years ago.
Your divorce absolute is soon.
There's a principle involved.
In that case, you wouldn't have left him! Don't start moralising with me, Vince.
Fine, but do you think in those two years Graham has lived like a monk? Why not? He was virtually celibate in the two years we were married.
I don't want to hear about that side.
All right, I'm sorry.
Look, Vince, it's just not easy for me to trust you.
- You don't trust me? - I didn't say that.
I said it's not easy.
- That's the same thing, innit? - No! Well I do love you, Pen.
I know.
And I love you.
It's just If we're ever going to make all the tiny pieces fit together, you'll have to offer more than the chance of an occasional romp in the hay.
- Like what? - I don't know.
Something tangible.
Oh.
- Penny? - Hm? Will you marry me? Oh, that's a good one! I wish I had a tape recorder.
If you'd like time to think about it That laugh sounds like a Volkswagen on a cold morning.
After the way you walked out on me, you think I need time to think about it? The answer's no, Vince.
- So what do you want me to do? - I don't know.
Vince don't you ever get lonely living here? No.
I'll repeat the question.
Don't you ever get lonely living here alone? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Now you mention it, the solitude can be agonising.
Must be terrible for you.
Perhaps you need permanent company.
You mean I should ask someone to live here with me? It's not for me to say.
I'm merely trying to solve your loneliness.
Well, for the past two or three weeks I have been wanting to ask a good friend if she'd consider sharing with me.
Why haven't you just asked her, then? I was frightened she might say no.
- She wouldn't.
- Do you know her, then? Have you got a Yellow Pages? Is there a 24-hour truss service in the vicinity? Will you come and live here? Yes.
- If you'll have me.
- Take that as read, then Sorry.
What about my parents? Well, I'd prefer it to be just us two.
How do I tell them? You just tell them.
You're not a child any more.
It's your birthday next week.
- You'll be 28.
- Yes, I know how old I'll be! I'll just have to find the right moment to break the news.
- When would you like to move in? - I don't know.
It's so sudden.
It's taken me by surprise as well.
When, roughly? - Friday week.
- Oh, good.
I got a key cut for you.
It's all right, Norman.
I'll do all this.
Sorry, darling.
Fantastic article in your magazine.
They did a survey.
Well, a sex survey amongst women in the over 40s.
Amazing results.
- I hope you're going to eat your cake.
- Yes, of course.
Daphne - Yes, Norman? - Do you still Well, do you still get a thrill from, you know? Oh, for heaven's sake! It's the 1980s.
If you mean sex, then say thingie.
Yes, but do you? - Sometimes.
- You never say anything to me.
You're never there when it happens.
Ohh, you've got a wicked sense of humour, Daphne.
Ah, happy birthday, darling! Thank you.
- Oh, happy birthday.
- Thank you.
Oh, come on, honestly.
Look at this.
You'll tell me we've got silly hats and jellies next! Don't be silly, darling.
Light the candle, Norman.
- Oh, for God's sake! - Why don't you use napalm Sorry, darling, but it's a pipe lighter.
Sorry.
You want me to blow that out, do you? And you've got to do it all in one breath.
Well, I'll try.
- Make a wish first.
- Oh, all right.
I feel so silly.
Um Thought of one.
- You can change your mind, you know.
- No, no, no.
There.
Clever girl.
What did you wish for? If she tells you, darling, it won't come true.
Don't be so bloody childish, Norman.
Oh! I'll get it.
I wish you wouldn't call me names in front of Penny.
In future, I'll save them up until we're alone, then.
Oh! - What are you doing here? - I came to wish you happy birthday.
Oh, thank you.
- Have you told her yet? - Well, yes and no.
- Have you or haven't you? - No.
It's not easy, Vincent.
I've tried dropping gentle hints.
I mentioned the house was small for us and yesterday a builder arrived with an estimate for an extension.
You just can't leave them a note.
They've got to be told.
It's common decency.
You are the last person to give anyone a lecture on common decency! All right, let's not row.
I know they'll be a bit shocked, but it soon passes.
I remember when I told my parents I was leaving home.
They soon got over it.
In fact, that night they threw a party.
There's a difference between leaving home and going to live with somebody.
- I don't think I can tell her.
- Pen You're not alone any more.
It's you and me now.
It's us.
All the way down the line.
We love each other.
You can't get stronger than that.
We're behind each other in everything.
We'll take each other's pain, share each other's joy.
Whatever happens, I'll be right beside you.
I promise.
All right.
Strike while the iron's hot.
- I'll tell her now.
- Good.
- Listen, I'll wait in the car - You will NOT wait in the car! You're coming in here with me.
She hates your guts, but you're coming.
Mummy? A friend just called to see me.
- Well, ask her in, then, darling.
- Hello there.
Er, good to see you again, Vince.
- And you, Mr Warrender.
- Amazing article in this magazine.
Were you aware that 76% of women in the over 40s have only made love to one man? Really? Does it give his name? No.
Would you like a drink? Sherry or some of my home-made beer? - That'll do nicely.
- I'll get you a glass.
Vince just called round to say happy birthday, Mummy.
- Happy birthday, Pen.
- Oh, thank you.
Would you like to put it with the rest? No, no, I'll just pop it in here.
Would you like some cake, Vince? Oh, thank you very much, Pen.
So what have you been doing with yourself today? Well, I've been window shopping.
Looking for new bedding.
Pity the Army Surplus store closed down.
Yes, you must miss it terribly.
Here's your cake.
I'll just take your coat and hang it in the hall.
Do I make you nervous? No.
No, no, no.
It's just that I've forgotten my crucifix.
It's the same recipe as the wedding cake.
Really? Hmm, very nice.
.
.
Wish I had turned up now.
You really are the most callous and insensitive person I've ever met! No, Daphne, I just say these things to prove I'm not frightened of you.
- You don't have to prove that to me.
- I'm trying to prove it to me.
Back again! I might as well take these things into the kitchen.
- Now? - As good a time as any.
- All right.
You wait here.
- Oh, all right.
Mummy? Daddy? I'm glad you're together - You're doing WHAT?! - Mummy, please Well, I hope you're satisfied now! Couldn't eat another thing.
Did you tell them? She says it's dirty.
She said I'll be one mass of boils by the end of the week.
She's taking legal advice on having me snatched back and she's taking out a private summons against you for pimping.
She took it better than you expected.
'NORMAN! Could I have a quiet word with you, please?' Now look what you've done! Please try to calm her down, Daddy.
What do you suggest? A stun grenade? .
.
Coming, darling! There's something I've been meaning to tell you.
- What? - Let's not talk about it here.
- Shall we go for a drive? - Please.
- I'm off now, Mrs Warrender.
- Get out of here! What was it you wanted to tell me? Don't keep me in suspense.
Nothing much, Pen.
Just an idea.
You've been saying that for 15 minutes.
Oh, come on! Yeah, well, better sit down first, Pen.
Well You see What? Oh, come on! Do tell me! You know how easily I change my mind.
Change? Yes, you have always been somewhat capricious.
Absolutely.
Oh, I haven't changed my mind about that.
That's very reassuring, Vincent.
So what have you changed it about? - I don't like my flat any more, Pen.
- Why not? It's lovely.
- No, it's very noisy.
- Only when you're in.
It's been getting me down recently.
Why don't we move out? - I haven't even moved in yet! - You don't know how lucky you are.
- Vince, what's happened? - Nothing.
I just fancy a change of walls.
Vincent? Well, Pen The postman called this morning.
And? He delivered a a letter.
Yes, they're trained in that kind of thing.
Telling me to vacate the flat by Thursday.
- But why? - Why? I'll tell you why, Pen.
- Subsidence.
- What? Subsidence.
It's built on a natural fault in the Earth's crust.
- Like San Francisco? - That's what the civil engineer said.
You know what happened in San Francisco.
But never in the history of this world has there been an earthquake in Walthamstow.
We've been very lucky, Pen.
Vincent, for once in your moronic little life, please tell me the truth.
- You don't believe me? - Of course not! OK.
From Barbados? "Dear Vincie, how are you, you dirty old ram? "Just a short note to let you know I'll be returning early.
"I'll arrive at Heathrow on Thursday.
Please make sure the flat is tidy "and the sheets have been changed.
"See you then.
Love and kisses, Big Ed.
" Who's Big Ed? Eddie Brown.
He owns the betting shop and the flat where I live.
But you said it was your flat.
You said you had a long-term lease.
I lied.
Why? I'm a liar.
You see, Eddie spends six months of the year abroad for tax reasons.
While he's away, I look after the flat, make sure no one breaks in or squats.
So half the year I live rent-free.
- What do you do for the other half? - Last year I stayed at this bir bloke's flat in Highbury.
So everything in the flat is his as well? Yeah.
I should have guessed from your record collection.
You couldn't pronounce Shostakovich! The Gladys Knight and Pips LP is mine.
Yes, it would be, wouldn't it? Well, thank you very much, Vincent - I'm sorry.
- You watched me.
You even encouraged me to tell my mother and all the time you knew you were being thrown out.
- Look, Pen - Don't "Look, Pen" me! I've just made the most momentous decision to go and live with a homeless person! My destiny is in the hands of a vagrant! I'll end up living in a cardboard box! - Will you listen to me? - No, not any more, Vince! Are you deliberately trying to hurt me or do you get some buzz out of this? Of course I wasn't trying to hurt you.
I wanted to be someone in your eyes.
You're always telling me about your married life with Graham, how you and Volvo Man had everything.
Your ceramic hob, your eye-level grill.
His turbo-charged Flymo.
I couldn't offer you anything like that, Pen.
So I pretended.
Oh, you are a moron! I didn't want that.
I've only just escaped from it.
I wasn't looking for an open-plan house and an eye-level grill.
I'd have been happy with a tent and a sandwich toaster.
Well, you should have said earlier.
There was a lovely little bivouac going.
- So where do we go from here? - Holmscroft Road.
- Holmscroft Road? - It's not far.
What's there, Vince? A hostel? - Our new flat.
- Sorry? I've got us another flat, Pen.
I went round and signed on the dotted line.
Another flat? Why didn't you tell me? What's it like? Oh, you'll love it.
Come and look.
- It won't take us long to decorate it.
- Ah, it needs decorating.
It doesn't need decorating, but you might like your own colour scheme.
- How did you find it? - Through Lenny.
- Lenny, your best man? - Yeah.
He was working at the flat last week.
He put in a word for us.
- That was nice of him.
- Yeah.
- How's Lenny doing these days? - Very well.
- He's got his own pest control business.
- Eew! What a horrible job! Pays very well, Pen.
Well, this is it.
Good God! Looks like the Holiday Inn at Port Stanley.
Just come in and get the feel of it, Pen.
I've already got the feel of it.
I'm itching! All it needs is a bit of work done on it.
Like demolishing and rebuilding! They're just first impressions, Pen.
Have a look at the kitchen.
- No, on second thoughts, don't.
- I'd like to see the kitchen, please.
Eurgh! Robert Carrier, eat your heart out.
It's no use trying to hide it from me.
I can tell - you're unimpressed.
People actually cooked food in here?! Oh, yes.
They did cook food in here.
It could do with a bit of a wiping over.
It could do with wiping out! Oh, Vince! What's that lying in the sink? Looks like some kind of furry mould.
I wonder if it answers to a name.
- Wash it down the sink.
- Analyse it - it might cure something.
Stay.
Who did this flat belong to before? A dear old lady who was crippled with arthritis.
- She couldn't handle all the cleaning.
- I couldn't live here.
I've never seen anything so disgusting.
Come and see the rest of the flat.
Oh, I take it all back! Well, it's it's different.
It's not often these days that one comes across a room decorated in goat's bile.
What colour would you say the walls are? - I think they call it H-Block Beige.
- Hmm.
Oh! Oh, how sweet! That dear little old arthritic lady was a member of the Red Brigade! All right, Pen.
The bottom line now.
What do you think of it? What do I think of it? I think it is the pits of the Earth, the bowels of the universe, the cesspool of Hell.
Don't make your mind up straight away.
It's the kind of place cats come to die! - A superior abode of great character.
- Good God! Structurally perfect, built with quality bricks and matured timbers.
- And with integral botulism! - It was only a lump of mould.
- It's got little hairs growing out of it! - So has Elton John, but you like him! Ohhh! Oh, look out the back, Vince - there's a mangrove swamp! Some houses have mice, we could have iguanas.
All right, I admit it doesn't look much, but imagine it once I've decorated it.
- You know nothing about it.
- I'll get a book.
- It would take a miracle.
- I'll get the New Testament.
I'll do all the designing.
I've got more of a flair for that.
You're a bit basic.
I thought maroon and gold flock wallpaper, lime green woodwork, a nice yellow carpet and those African bead curtains.
What do you reckon? It would look like a pizza.
You have got no idea.
It needs to be lightened.
Um some of that natural grass wallpaper.
Cream skirtings and ceilings.
Um, strip the doors and the floors, varnish them, scatter a few rugs about and, yes, blinds at the windows.
- That would look horrible.
- It would look lovely! I can just see A-ha.
I've been conned, haven't I? - You rotten - Pen.
We could really make something of this place.
What do you say? Oh, all right, then.
- You won't regret it.
- I have already.
I'll start stripping the walls tomorrow.
You check out wallpaper.
Look, Vince let's get something straight right from the start.
I pay half of everything - rent, bills, decorations.
- All right.
We'll talk later.
- No, we're going into this together.
- I want us to share everything.
- Then you'll love the bathroom.
- Do we share the bathroom? - Only with the other tenants.
Pen - wipe your feet as you leave.
We've got to buy new furniture, curtains, carpets Bed.
Yes.
Pen, have you got any money? - Oh, yes.
- No, I I mean any savings? Well, some.
- How about you? - No, not much.
I could ask the bank for a loan.
We'll have to try to save our money.
We've both got to be prepared to make sacrifices.
Oh, absolutely.
- I was thinking about selling the car.
- That won't be necessary, will it? A friend of mine in the motor trade said he'd give us £3,000 for it.
Worth considering.
- Vince, there must be another way.
- Yeah, we'll see.
Hmm, this takes me back a few years.
What does? You know, all the plans.
Window shopping.
All the excitement of buying a new home.
That didn't work out too well for me.
Pen Did you really love him? Oh, yes.
I loved him.
Never really stopped loving him.
Even when I was married to Graham.
Oh, I thought you meant Come here.
Vince, what you said about the car.
I'll leave it entirely up to you.
- You do what you think's best.
- Three grand buys a lot of furniture.
Yes, and we'll still get around.
- Absolutely.
We can both use my car.
- Yes.
What?! You've been trying to sell MY car? You said we'd both to make sacrifices.
My God, you've got a nerve! That's your trouble, Pen.
You're all self, self, self.