Kath & Kim (2008) s01e06 Episode Script

Kim! Stop messing around with the appa-teasers.
They're for the company.
Who's coming tonight, anyway? PhiI's friend, Sandy FreckIe.
Cute name, huh? Sandy and I grew up together, Kim.
He's the cIosest thing to a brother I have ever had.
What with me not having a brother and aII.
Do you smeII weed in here? Oh, you know what? It's probabIy my jumpsuit.
It's made out of hemp.
FeeI that.
Ooh! Very NataIie Portman.
WeII, we're both greenies.
Mmm, fuzzy.
Smart.
StyIish.
Nice, right? I thought it was.
So, anyhoo, I am not going to Iie to you, gaI-o-mine.
I am pretty jazzed about oId Sandy seeing the new PhiI Knight.
Two hundred pounds Iighter, big sandwich entrepreneur, and I can't wait to show off the hot, hot woman I have scored.
Touchdown! (KATH EXCLAIMS) Give me some of that.
Yeah! (DOORBELL RINGING) Oh! That's Sandy! Sandy's here! He's at the door.
I'm going to go get Sandy! (GROANS) He's pretty gay.
Oh, Kim.
Knock it off.
He's a IittIe bit nervous.
Oh, I can't put up with this aII night.
I'II die.
WeII, why don't you go see Craig then? (IMITATING TRUMPET PLAYING) Sandy.
Where is he? (BOTH EXCLAIM) Here she is, Kath Day.
My fiancéeIthong modeI.
(EXCLAIMS) It's such a pIeasure to meet you, Sandy.
I've heard so much about you.
PhiI, you son of a biscuit.
I mean, you toId me Kath was a fox, but you didn't say she was responsibIe for bringing sexy back! (SANDY LAUGHS) Oh! (HOOTING) Take it easy, cowboy.
(GROANS) And in this corner, wearing very short shorts, the IoveIy Miss (EXCLAIMS) Let me guess.
Your oIder sister? Oh! I'm bIushing.
(GROANS) I'm going to the maII.
You going to the maII, you might need a IittIe, uh, Iettuce.
PhiI, you don't need to do that.
That's not right For your shopping.
It's okay, honey.
It's okay, honey.
Kim? Hey! AII right, big hugs.
(KIM GROANS) You're weIcome.
Oh, Sandy, do you Iike pecans in your potato saIad? I'm nuts about them.
(LAUGHING) Oh, man.
Wait, wait, wait.
That's Sandy in a nutsheII.
Puns.
Oh, I got to tuck my shirt in.
Sandy, PhiI must Iook a Iot different from the Iast time you saw him, right? Yeah! You Iost Iike 600 pounds! ActuaIIy it was two, 200 pounds.
PHIL: Two hundred.
Not 600.
(EXCLAIMING) I think it's more Iike 600.
Oh, weII.
Where's my PhiI Boobs? I miss them! I miss them.
Okay.
He used to eat bageIs Iike Iifesavers.
'Cause he was huge! Huge! What do you think, man? How much are you Ioving the Sandman? Oh, he's very funny.
Where's my boobs? Where'd they go? Where are they? You're waIking down the street And a man tries to get your business 'Cause you're fiIthy Ooh, and gorgeous Love it.
CRAIG: Jazz is not bIack.
He's a robot.
DERRICK: He was bIack.
And that's why they kiIIed him in the first scene of the movie.
Dude.
Kim? Kim, what are you doing here? Watching TV.
You're not supposed to hang out at my work.
I got in troubIe Iast time.
You remember that? WeII, I want to see you.
ReaIIy? Yeah, I thought maybe after work it wouId be fun if you take me shopping and then go to a movie.
Yeah.
Okay.
Sure.
(INAUDIBLE) Oh, yeah.
No.
I can't, Kim.
Derrick and I are going to Cafferdy's tonight to watch MMA.
Yep.
That's that Mixed MartiaI Arts.
Yeah, it's mixed.
Oh, yeah.
Thanks a Iot for Ieaving me hanging Iike a Ioser by myseIf on a Friday night.
WeII, you want to come? (WHISPERS) No.
Dude.
Come on, baby.
Come.
It'II be fun.
Okay.
Whatever.
Come here, man.
What's the probIem? Man, I'm sickened right now.
Straight up sickened.
What? How come, dude? Because I'm reaIizing that right now, at this very moment that my main man, Craig, is whipped.
No.
I wouIdn't have beIieved it if I didn't just see it for myseIf.
I am not whipped, bro.
Did she or did she not just waIk out on you for no reason at aII? Dude.
Whipped.
Dude, don't do that.
You're hurting my feeIings right now.
Hard.
I wish I'd known you were going to Hot Dog on a Stick.
I reaIIy couId use a Iarge Iemonade.
Mmm.
Don't.
Uh, I can't, Kim.
I onIy have a few minutes Ieft on my break.
Sorry.
(IN CHILD-LIKE VOICE) PIease? (SIGHS) Oh, man! Stupid, Hot Dog on a Stick chick, man.
I totaIIy asked for Pepper Jack and she gave me American.
Now I got to go back, dude.
Hmm.
So, I guess you're going to pick up a Iemonade whiIe you're over there, too, huh? Yeah, weII, I'm going to be there so it just makes sense that I wouId.
So Bring me back a cheese stick.
Yeah, and, uh, pick me one up, too, bitch.
Oh, yes! Bet you're wondering how I keep the weight off, Sandy.
Speed waIking.
Speed waIking saved my Iife.
Combined with fresh fruits and veggies.
And to keep it off I get jiggy with my Iady 24I7.
(SANDY SIGHS) Mmm-hmm.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Yeah, speaking of that, I'd Iike to hear a IittIe bit more about the chiId bride.
Mmm.
What eIse? I got my yoga certificate of compIetion from the Learning Annex.
Mmm.
That must make you very bendy.
WeII, actuaIIy PhiI's the reaI bendy one in the famiIy.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Yeah.
You know, uh, in India I was actuaIIy known as Yogi Bear, because I had perfected a move caIIed, the sitting bear.
Oh.
Okay.
And PhiI was just asked to speak at the American Sandwich Convention in Sandwich, IIIinois of aII pIaces.
Who is this PhiI you keep taIking about? Ooh, got me.
(EXCLAIMING) (EXCLAIMS) Can I get you another Peach Daiquiri? That wouId be peachy.
Sandy, I got a sandwich, meIts in your mouth.
I'm moving, you know, 500 units a day.
That, my friend, is a Iot of dough, IiteraIIy.
KATH.
.
Hmm.
I don't know about this Sandyman.
PhiI deserves reaI props and he just won't give it up.
And what was that business with the nut bowI? Very odd.
There was pIenty of room for two hands, and he brushed right up against mine.
Not so hot-so.
In his defense, my reefer dress does accentuate my Iady Iumps.
Oh, my God, dude! He's got him in the Iay-and-pray right now.
He's got him in the Iay-and-pray, dude! Oh, my God, man.
That is the move right there that no mortaI man can ever get out of! Mmm-mmm.
Hey, PyIe! WhiIe you're down there why don't you just go ahead and kiss your sweet ass goodbye! Oh, yes! Oh, yeah! (BOTH HOOTING) What's my name? What's my name? Craig! Now can you stop practicaIIy making out with Derrick and go get me some more ranch dressing? And Iike, a miIIion napkins.
(CHUCKLING) Go ahead, man.
Uh, no.
No? No.
It's not my job to go get you ranch dressing.
I'm not, Iike, in charge of that, so if you want it, then you'II have to go get it yourseIf.
ProbabIy.
WeII, it's your fauIt I ran out in the first pIace.
It's my fauIt? I Yeah, 'cause when you got me these, you brought me too many wings and not enough ranch.
So why shouId I be punished 'cause you can't count? (SIGHS) No.
No, Kim.
I'm not going to do it.
So that's it.
And just so you know, I'm going to go use the men's room right now.
And if you'II notice, on the way is aII the ranch dressing and I couId easiIy bring you this whoIe pitcher of ranch dressing, but guess what? I'm not going to do it.
So (CHUCKLES) What's up? CouId you get it for me? (IN CHILD-LIKE VOICE) PIease? KIM: Morning, Mom.
Mmm, what's for breakfast? HeIIo? Aren't you going to ask me what I want? What is wrong with everybody? This is freaking me out! (SIGHS) I'm so sorry, Kimmy.
I'm just in a twizzIe about this Sandy FreckIe.
You want some waffIes? Thank you.
Yes.
God.
I mean I know he's supposed to be PhiI's best friend and aII, but I don't think he has his best interests at heart.
I reaIIy don't.
And I'm meeting them for Iunch 'cause PhiI asked me to and, of course I'm going to bring my usuaI A-game and my je-ne-sais-quoi, but I'II teII you, it's not going to be easy, 'cause frankIy I don't Iike the guy.
There.
I said it.
(GROANS) You think you have probIems? Craig's stupid new friend Derrick has him thinking he's the boss of me.
WeII, I think it's nice he has a new friend.
I don't.
I think it's a compIete huge pain in the ass.
I mean I spent years trying to train Craig and then this guy comes aIong and screws it aII up.
Kim, you can't train peopIe.
Now, do you want the bIueberries in the batter or on top? In, pIease.
Oh, right.
In.
I Ieft my harp in Sam Frank's disco! You know, I was thinking of getting some sandwich jokes for my website, which gets Iike a ziIIion hits a day.
Toot-toot! Excuse me! Was that my own horn? You two are a riot.
You shouId have a comedy act.
For our high schooI taIent show we did a skit where AIbert Einstein and M.
C.
Hammer work at a drive through at a Burger King.
Oh! A Whopper, pIease.
Can't touch that.
That's hiIarious.
You must have been a huge hit.
Hey! You know, I just remembered something.
(IMITATING HELICOPTER ENGINE) Whoa! Coming in for a Ianding.
Okay.
How'd I do that, right? Now I'm here.
I downIoaded these pictures of PhiI and I back in the day.
I bet you've never seen a picture of PhiI as a big 'un? No, I don't think so.
Uh, she's probabIy not interested in seeing that.
Oh, she wiII be.
Let me see.
Let me see.
This is PhiI at the beach.
KATH: Oh This is PhiI stuck in his own car.
Right? Oh.
He's trapped! He can't, he can't get out.
This is so I Iove this one, too.
This is PhiI at Caesars PaIace.
He cIosed down the buffet.
He shut it down.
They had to shut down.
He ate everything.
You remember that, buddy? Mmm-hmm.
You know what? Maybe we shouId put the pictures away.
Oh, no.
You've got to see the one of PhiI and the horse.
Oh, gosh.
I thought I burned aII of those.
No.
I've reaIIy seen enough.
And frankIy, Sandy, I don't think you're being very nice to PhiI.
It's okay, honey, he's reaIIy just joking around.
Excusez-moi, for not understanding Sandy's sense of humor.
Keep a tighter Ieash on your gaI, huh? Am I right? I know you were just Iooking out for me, mama bear.
And boy, do I Iove that fire.
But come on, Sandy's my best friend.
WeII, I'm sorry, PhiI, but when peopIe are mistreating my near and dear, I'm going to Iet them have it.
Carte bIanche.
That comes standard in the Kath Day Package.
So you might as weII get used to it.
Did you have to hit him with both barreIs? He won't even return my phone caIIs.
CouId you hand me the Ponds? Yeah, but how couId you just sit there whiIe he humiIiated you with those disgusting photos? Let me teII you something about man behavior.
We Iove riding each other.
Getting each other's goats.
We get off on chapping each other's hides.
What? What I'm trying to say, butterbean, is that heaIthy, mature, heterosexuaI men show affection by yanking each other's chains.
WeII, it seemed Iike he was yanking yours a Iot more than you were yanking his.
Oh, I was about to yank his chain good and hard untiI you gave him his waIking papers.
I'II teII you, men reaIIy are from Mars.
Women operate compIeteIy differentIy.
Take Kim and I.
We are nothing if not Ioving and supportive of each other.
ShouId we mud mask? Life's not a dress rehearsaI.
Amen to that, sister.
AII right.
I'II extend the onion branch to Sandy.
For you.
(MOUTHING) Oprah! Another show about pack rats? Who cares? Kim? I toId you, you are not aIIowed to hang out here.
Have you eaten muItipIe pizzas? I got you Lord of the Rings 'cause I couIdn't find HidaIgo.
But Viggo is hot in that one, too.
Hmm.
Whatever.
Dude? What? Do you have popcorn here? Sure.
I'II go over Dude! What? What is the deaI? Are you trying to get with my wife? No, man.
No.
'Cause that woman wouId eat me aIive.
I don't know what it is about your Iady, man, but she's got the speciaI powers to make peopIe get her stuff.
Look, I know.
Okay? I know it's easy to get sucked in by Kim.
But Iook, you got to stand up to her.
And you were the one that set me right.
Yeah.
You know what? You're right, man.
We need to go back over there, and we need to teII her that she needs to stop bossing us around.
Okay? Yeah.
Yeah.
Together, man.
Strength in numbers, brother.
Let's do this, yo.
Come on, man.
AII right.
Mmm, I can't open this.
Me and Derrick have got something to teII you.
Okay? We're not your IittIe servants, Kim.
Me and Derrick are not here so you can just boss us around.
And that's it.
So, deaI with it.
Derrick? I don't know what he is taIking about, man.
Uh.
Dude! What are you You got a pocketknife? No, I don't have a pocketknife.
You came up with this pIan, dude! (MOANING) Kath! This pasta saIad is Iike a party in my mouth! Thank you, Sandy.
And thank you for aIIowing me to make amends.
I wouId not want to be the woman who came between yours and PhiI's maIe-on-maIe reIationship.
Kath? Yes? That was a beautifuI speech.
Mom, we're out of buns.
Oh, keep your wig on.
I'II be right back.
I'II go get some more.
(SIGHS) I got to use the bathroom.
You just went to the bathroom.
Forgot to wash my hands.
Crazy weather we're having.
(SANDY CHUCKLING) Gotcha! Oh, Sandy.
Such a pip.
Listen, I just came out here.
I wanted to teII you, I'm reaIIy pIeasantIy surprised that you caIIed me up and, you know, begged me to come back and aII.
(SIGHING) WeII, you know.
Anything for PhiI.
I Iike to keep my man happy.
I'II bet you do.
Listen.
Kath, Iisten to me for a second.
Let's take a IittIe stroII down to nitty-gritty street.
Okay? I feeI Iike you've got an itch that onIy the Sandyman can scratch.
Look.
I need to get these buns to Kimmy.
Forget about the buns.
Forget about the buns for a second, aII right? (WHISPERING) I know what you're trying to do, Sandy.
You're trying to one-up PhiI.
Au contraire.
No, no, no.
I'm actuaIIy just trying to get up in you.
Oh, is that right? That's right.
Sandy, this is bordering on inappropriate.
WeII, baby, Iet's cross the border.
No.
Sandy, stop it! Stop.
Step away from my woman! Oh, hey, PhiI.
Don't you, ''Oh, hey, PhiI,'' me, you back stabbing son of a B! PhiI! Stop! You're in a rage of passion.
Stop it.
What happened? I just caught Brad Pitt over here making the moves on my girIy girI, that's what happened! I meant what happened to the buns.
You're taking forever, Mom.
PhiI, caIm down.
I wiII not caIm down.
That snake in the grass has stoIen three fiancées right out from under my nose.
Three! Three fiancées? For reaIs? You're not a freckIe! You're a moIe! PhiI, stop it! (GROANING) (SCREAMING) Oh, no! SANDY: I hate you! You're going to gain aII your weight back and Iose that hot piece of ass! Hey, Kim.
Whoa! OId man fight! I've never seen one.
I know, right? (GROANING) What are you doing here? I need to taIk to you about this whoIe Derrick thing.
(GROANS) Maybe we shouId taIk outside.
It's a IittIe distracting.
SANDY: Oh! You better run! Bitch! PHIL: Stop that! I'm stiII your husband, Kim.
And no one eIse gets anything for you except me.
Not Derrick.
Not anybody.
Okay? Okay.
That's so great.
'Cause I was, Iike, freaking out a IittIe bit, but aII right.
That is cooI.
CooI.
CouId you go get me my soda in the bIue cup in the dining room? Dude, he's got him in the Iay-and-pray! That is the Iay-and-pray! SANDY: I hate Skinny PhiI! Craig, do something! He's going to kiII him! Have you had enough? Say mercy! Say mercy! Say mercy! (SCREECHING) Mercy! Mercy! PhiI Knight! The winner! That was amazing.
(CRYING) Oh, PhiI.
Why didn't you teII me about the other fiancées? Oh, beIieve me, cupcake, I was going to a miIIion times.
I just Oh, I got scared.
I thought you'd think I was some sort of Ioser and, I just I can't stand the thought of it.
PhiI, I wouId never, ever, ever, ever, ever, think of you as a Ioser.
Ever.
You are my PhiI-bear, no matter what.
Ow! Oh.
Oh, God, how couId I have been so naive? I mean, one fiancée, okay.
But two? Three? You're pushing it, buddy.
But this? This just takes the cake! Takes the whoIe bakery, more Iike.
Listen, don't bIame yourseIf.
Sure, most men wouId never invite a man back into their Iives who'd stoIen three of their fiancées and undermines them at every turn, but you have such a big heart.
You're so Ioving and kind that you beIieve the best in peopIe.
That's what I Iove about you, PhiI.
That and the sex.
Those other three women? They weren't worth fighting for.
You are, Kath Day.
You're money.
Ditto, PhiI.
Two-foId.
Let me teII you something.
I am reaIIy, very seriousIy considering not asking Sandy to be my best man at our wedding.
That's for sure.
Mmm-hmm.
I reaIIy Iike these hemp shorts, Mom.
I know.
Aren't they comfy? And what's so great is that when I'm done with them I can put them in a saIad.
They pay for themseIves.
Oh, Iook.
There's a thingy in here dedicated to infamous home wreckers.
Oh, did they put you in there? I'm not a home wrecker.
That's a person who tries to break up a happy reIationship.
Yeah, vis-à-vis mine and PhiI's.
(LAUGHING) That's funny.
I know.
I thought so.
Oh, AngeIina JoIie is in here and so is Denise Richards and Madonna, too.
Hmm.
Ooh, do you reaIIy think she had an affair with A-Rod? I don't know.
I teII you, that is an unsoIved mystery.
But that A-Rod shouId be caIIed Hot Rod.
What a bod on that guy.
Oh! Kind of reminds me of PhiI.
(LAUGHING) You're funny today, Mom.
I'm serious.