Kenan (2021) s01e06 Episode Script

1
It's almost time.
Where's my Barbie makeup kit?
Oh, sweetie, I think I threw that out.
Well, I'm sorry. It was getting nasty.
That lip gloss was starting
to look like chutney.
Well, I can't go to the party
without my face beat.
I think I have a stomachache.
I don't think I can go tonight.
If she's not going, I'm not going.
Wait a minute.
Y'all have been so excited
about this for weeks.
Your first night sleeping out.
My first night with you sleeping out.
- We're all excited.
- Rude!
- [SCOFFS]
- What?
You're gonna have so much fun.
And if I happen to have
a little bit of fun
not being in charge of your fun
for the first time
in, like, forever, well, then so be it.
But trust me, you're ready for this.
- Are you sure, Dad?
- Of course.
Look, if you hate it, I'll come get you.
But then Sophie Wexler will
make fun of us for leaving.
That's why it's just better
if we don't go.
No! I mean, uh, look.
Let's just think.
If you gotta come home,
just call me and say,
"Dad, are we having lasagna tomorrow?"
And then I'll come right over
with a great excuse
of why you gotta leave,
like night church.
- Hmm.
- Hmm.
"Lasagna." I like it.
- Thanks.
- You're welcome.
My precious, little babies.
[SIGHS CONTENTEDLY]
- [HORN HONKS]
- Your ride is here!
All right. Bye-bye!
[FUNKY UPBEAT MUSIC]
♪
Rick, I need you to take Gary out.
Out? Wow.
I did say I'd help you with whatever,
but killing my best friend is a big ask.
What?
I meant take him out for the night.
And also, Gary's your best friend?
Eh, I'm working on that.
That's why I bought him
these: "BET: Uncut" DVDs.
It's his favourite program.
Didn't they stop making that show
because it was so degrading
to black women?
Yes! However, where there's an eBay,
there's an e-way.
Thank you very much,
doug@working69to5.com.
Gary does love big black butts.
I mean, look, I just want a night alone.
I haven't had many since I had kids,
or any since my father-in-law
started squatting in my home.
None taken.
Oh, I thought you said, "no offense."
- Nope.
- You should have.
Well, look, is it too much to ask
for one special night alone?
I mean, one night that
I don't have to do anything
for anybody?
I can just do stuff that I love to do,
like eating bed cake
or eating bed bloomin' onion.
That's an incredibly sad
itinerary for a special night,
but I did hear that Ludacris
has a new crab joint
called "Ludacrabs."
You think Gary'd like that?
- You know what?
- I think he will.
He will love it.
- My treat.
- Awesome!
What do you think I should wear?
Anything else.
And in the end, Justin Bartha
was on top of the hotel the entire time,
but, ironically,
no one ever saw him again.
Okay, Pam, how are your recaps
longer than the actual movie?
- I'm passionate.
- Okay.
Kenan, hey. I thought you left.
No, this isn't all for me.
Is that what you asked?
No, but now that you mention it
All right, well, truth be told,
my girls went to their first
sleepover tonight,
so I'm alone to do whatever I want.
It's gonna be like "The Purge,"
but "The Binge."
Mm, first sleepover. Yikes.
Yeah, don't get too comfortable.
Odds are, you're gonna
have to pick them up.
Me and my friends,
we watched "Candyman"
at my first sleepover,
and I got so scared,
I peed in Katie Gianetti's sleeping bag.
I mean, I wasn't gonna sleep in pee.
That's disgusting.
Well, my girls will be fine.
- They're tough.
- Yes, they are.
My first sleepover was great.
I had s'mores, we talked about boys,
conjured up my grandma
with a ouija board.
- What?
- Yeah. For real.
Man, please tell me
you are not that crazy.
- Oh, no.
- Here we go.
First of all, there's nothing crazy
about your loved ones who
passed away watching over you.
I'm sorry, so you think that dead people
are just chilling around
us at all times?
Yep, at home, at work, at the mall.
No. I'm sorry.
I don't buy that Cori
is just floating over me
at an Ann Taylor loft.
Why are you at an Ann Taylor Loft?
I'm at where I'm at.
Look, Kenan, a deep connection
to the spiritual world
runs in my family.
We believe our loved ones send us signs
or appear at totems,
like their favorite animals,
- to help guide us.
- And that makes you feel better?
It does.
Yeah, every time I see a blue jay,
I feel my grandma's presence,
like she's watching over me.
Remember that day a bird
dookied on my blazer?
That was Grammy just telling me
shoulder pads aren't for me.
- Aw.
- Okay, tell me.
What was Cori's favorite animal?
I don't know.
I mean, I guess she thought
squirrels were cute
- Yeah.
- Which is ridiculous,
because squirrels are just rats
with a blowout.
But wait, how did we even get on this?
I didn't come here to
talk about animals.
I came here to eat some!
So yeah.
Cori's not watching over me.
My girls are fine.
It's gonna be the best night of my life.
Oh!
Hello?
Oh, that's right.
Nobody home but moi. Truly.
[VOCALIZES] Do the usher.
Do the usher.
Anybody want me to do anything for 'em?
Hmm?
Well, you can't ask me
because I kicked y'all
all out the house!
[LAUGHS]
Even my girls
Despite they obvious cries for help.
[PHONE RINGING]
Hey. What's up?
I I'm chilling. I was just
calling to check on you, girl.
[CHUCKLES] Uh, how's work?
It is Friday night.
I am getting ready for a date.
- Really?
- Okay, fine.
I'm at work.
Give me two minutes. What's up?
Pam and Tami got in my head.
I think the girls were really scared
about their first sleepover,
but I made them go anyway.
Now I'm wondering if I pushed them away
before they was ready
just so I could finally
have a night alone.
I'm sure they're ready.
Plus, every parent needs a break.
That's what mine told me
when they took extended
vacations without me.
Look, you're just not used
to being alone, all right?
My yogi says solitude brings all
your deepest fears to the surface.
- Your yogi, Kyler?
- Yeah.
The guy who has a tank top that says,
"the universe is my homeboy"?
Just enjoy your night off.
Okay. You're right.
Thanks.
Hey. Come to bed, cake.
Uh, you didn't hang up.
- It ain't what you think!
- Oh, see, that's what guilty people say.
And let's toss in
a lobster rollout my business
- for the table.
- That doesn't sound Ludacris to me!
- [BOTH LAUGH]
- That's funny.
Okay, gonna "move, bitch,
and get out" this order!
This is nice, huh?
Just the boys, the dawgs.
Yeah, sure.
I didn't know you were
such a Ludacris fan.
Oh, yeah, man.
I love all them
"Fast and Furious" movies.
It's like visual Cialis.
Huh. You know, there's something
I just can't stop thinking about.
Why we didn't do this sooner?
Mm-mm. Why are we here?
This place is whack as hell, man.
I know the streets said no snitching
in the hip-hop community,
but I gotta take this to yelp.
People need to know.
I was just gonna say the same thing.
- So whack.
- Yeah.
I mean, but
Kenan was crying about wanting to have
his special night alone or whatever,
and so we're here.
We may as well enjoy
each other's company?
Hey, that's weird.
Kenan wanted to be alone?
I hope he's not depressed or anything.
Well, it's not weird
to want to be alone.
It is for Kenan.
That dude is social.
When my mom said he was too old
for family bath,
he refused to go to prom.
I just wish there was a way
I could check in on him
without bothering him, you know?
Um
What in the sick
you've been spying on us?
Oh, no! No, no.
Not spying. This is security.
Wait, is that a birthday cake?
What's the date?
Hold on, is Kenan's birthday coming up?
Oh, no. It must be today.
That's why he said
he wanted his special night.
- Oh, he said special.
- Oh, my God.
- We forgot Kenan's birthday.
- How we do that?
- This is bad.
- This is bad.
We gotta team up and throw him a party.
Yes! Yes, like, asap.
Ooh, asap mob throws
the best birthday parties.
Rocky had a dirty Sprite Slip 'N Slide.
That thing was fast.
And sticky.
Sometimes when you talk, I
feel like I'm having a stroke.
Hmm.
But I love it.
[LAUGHTER]
Okay. Ready?
ALL: Light as a feather.
- Stiff as a
- Hey, girls.
[ALL SCREAM]
No, no, no. It's okay.
I'm Aubrey and Birdie's dad.
- Ugh, so lame!
- Gosh.
Once again, I'm really sorry
for scaring everybody.
And thank you so much
for having my girls over, by the way.
I just wanted to tell you that
we're having lasagna tomorrow.
No, we're not having lasagna.
Yeah, you can't tell us
when we're having lasagna.
We tell you when we want lasagna.
What if I want lasagna?
I have a lean cuisine
lasagna, if that helps.
Nobody wants your tiny,
sad lasagna, Jan, okay?
I'm sorry. No offense.
But come here.
- Dad.
- Look.
I think I made a bad
decision, all right?
You're not ready for a sleepover,
and I pushed you into it, but
why don't you just come home
and we'll try again in,
like, a year, or maybe five?
- I wanna stay.
- Yeah.
They put parmesan on their popcorn.
I mean, it's insane, but it works.
Dad, are you maybe not ready?
Me? What?
No, I'm I'm cool.
I came here for y'all.
You know, I'm here to check on y'all.
But if you straight, I'm straight.
You did what?
I embarrassed them
in front of Sophie Wexler.
She's super popular even though
she don't even really know
how to tie her shoes.
Look, you need to relax, okay?
Go home and take some
of Cori's calm gummies.
You told me she bought those in bulk.
Man, that fake crap?
I only take herbs
recommended by a doctor
Dre.
You're so cool.
Trust me. They work.
I take them to go to sleep.
Or to talk to my mother.
It'll take the edge off so that
you can enjoy your night
and stop acting a fool.
Now I gotta go. I have a friend over.
- No, you don't.
- [DESCENDING TONE]
Rude!
Sleep. Uh, wake up.
Think. Wake up and think.
Calm. Calmer.
Calmest?
Calmest-er.
Huh, let me see what that's about.
Mmm!
What's that? Olallieberry?
Delish [CHUCKLES]
Mmm.
Wow, I do feel calmest Er.
Might as well remind myself
what all the fuss was about.
[FUNKY UPBEAT MUSIC]
Yeah, it's just bikinis.
Well, there go the bikinis.
♪
Y'all shouldn't be watching this.
You neither, Cori.
♪
Well, you just everywhere, aren't you?
♪
Huh. Sup, squirrel?
[NELLY'S "E.I." PLAYING]
♪
What the
[MUSIC SLOWS, STOPS]
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
♪
[YELPS]
No, no no, no, no, no, no!
♪
Shoo! Get out of here, squirrel!
[SQUIRREL CHITTERING]
Cori?
[GASPS]
Man, there's nothing sadder
than a party supply store.
It's like Bloomingdale's for weirdos.
My brother wanting to be alone
on his birthday is sadder.
Why doesn't he want
to be around anybody?
Well, nothing that a big,
old surprise party can't cure.
It's a classic case of two best bros
saving the day for a third best bro.
Me and Kenan are your best bros?
Uh, no. Of course not.
Don't be ridiculous.
- I got tons of best bros
- Okay.
Like, well, I'll name you some.
- There's, um, Denny
- Mm-hmm.
Wendy, um
Mike from Jersey, Mickey D
Okay, wait, are you just
naming restaurants?
Denny's, Wendy's,
Jersey Mike's, McDonald's?
- No! No! These are dear friends of mine.
- Okay.
One of them has really good fries.
And then I tried to shoo it away,
but it just sat right here
on this picture of Cori
staring at me.
I think she's pissed at me
for sending the girls
to that sleepover
when they weren't ready.
Or maybe it was because
I was watching "BET: Uncut"
in my cozies
Which I was definitely was not doing.
- Uh-huh.
- But maybe she's just,
getting used to her
beady, little squirrel eyes.
How many of these did you take?
Oh, I Pac-Man'd that whole bottle.
They're not candy.
You're supposed to take, like, a half.
- They have side effects.
- Right!
It was just the gummies.
Phew! Thank God.
You know, I was worried you was
about to say something like
You finally opened yourself
up to the spiritual world,
Cori appears as her favorite animal,
and you do the worst thing ever,
you shoo her away.
That was exactly what I
was worried you were gonna say.
Wait, but are you saying that
as an example
of what I was worried
you were gonna say,
or are you saying it?
Oh, I'm saying it. Definitely saying it.
Okay, so you need to put out
some of Cori's favorite stuff
to lure her back.
Do you really think Cori
is a furry rat now?
That sucks.
Okay, I don't think
she's actually the squirrel,
but you see her in the squirrel.
And you know Cori
would have my back on this
because she was a big believer
in the spiritual realm.
And that furniture had feelings.
Yeah, but she also believed
that expiration dates
were just suggestions,
and we both saw how sick
she got off that go-gurt.
Okay, but what about
those fertility earrings
that I gave her when y'all
were trying to get pregnant?
Gave you two beautiful girls!
Uh, no. My sperms did that.
That's right, my doc said
my count is "banonkers."
Kenan, why are you
so resistant to the idea
of the spiritual world
watching over you?
Look, I just don't want Cori
watching over me!
Okay? What's going on?
It's just
The thought of Cori
watching my every move
is just too much pressure.
I mean, Cori had incredible
parenting instincts,
and mine suck.
Like, you think it's
a good idea to tell a kid
if they eat their vegetables,
they can have dessert?
- Yeah, that sounds right.
- Wrong.
- Oh.
- It's the worst thing you can do.
It makes them "food insecure"?
I mean, parenting
is so counterintuitive.
Like, I thought the girls were
ready to go to a sleepover,
which probably means that they're not.
I mean, what if the other girls
try to freeze their bras
or something while they're sleeping?
- What bras?
- Oh, my God!
I didn't get them no bras!
They don't need bras. Yet.
Oh. Well, see?
I mean, Cori always knew
the right thing for them,
but now I'm thinking
about all of the decisions
I'm gonna have to make on my own
- Look, Kenan.
- You're right, okay?
Cori had amazing instincts.
Wow, I thought you was gonna try
to talk me off the ledge a little bit.
Which is why
she chose you to be the father
of her kids.
She knew you'd be the best dad.
But
What if she was just blinded
by my raw sex appeal?
[CHUCKLES]
look, I'm sure Cori would
be proud of all your decisions.
Except maybe the eating
all your gummies ones 'cause
- Oh, yeah. I'm hella faded.
- Yeah.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
♪
- Hi, girls.
- [ALL SCREAM]
Don't be scared.
We're just here to take two of you.
[ALL SCREAM]
- Again?
- Why does this keep happening?
All right.
I got a picture of the girls,
that Jodeci song that she used
to like to get busy to,
a bloomin' onion well, part of one
- Mm-hmm.
- And her signature drink.
A Rosé on the Rocks.
But didn't the ice make it
super watery when it melted?
Oh, she downed it way before that.
Got it.
And now
Musk oil.
All right.
This is getting silly now.
What am I, luring a squirrel to my house
with musk and wine like I'm
some woodland Bill Cosby?
And besides, everybody knows
squirrels don't even come out at night.
Oh, it just ran over my foot.
Okay. See?
I'm gonna leave you to it.
Just speak from the heart.
I guarantee it'll make you feel better,
whether you think
Cori's in there or not.
[SMOOTH MUSIC PLAYING]
SOFTLY: Hey.
Um
So
Guess this is like "Ghost" huh?
Except I'm Demi Moore,
and you're Patrick Swayze?
In a squirrel?
I am so full of gummies right now.
[EXHALES]
God, Cori,
I don't know what I'm doing.
Like, for the longest,
I didn't know the difference
between leggings and tights
until some helpful moms
straightened me out
when I sent them to school
with they undies showing
one too many times.
♪
If I am doing all right,
can you give me a sign?
ALL: Surprise!
No! Don't go, baby!
I mean,
it ain't what it looks like.
So yeah. No, I was chilling, you know?
Just loving being alone,
and then I felt bad that Mika was alone,
like, all the time,
so then, I called her up
and invited her over
for a little night picnic.
That's all. Right, Mika?
What yeah. That's what happened.
Really, 'cause it looked to me
like he about to blow the back
out of that
Okay, girls, shall we
go get some cookies?
- Yes, please.
- Nah, man.
There wasn't nothing freaky going on.
Just me and lonely-ass Mika.
You know, she's such a sad
mess of a woman.
[CACKLES] she sure is.
I saw her changing clothes once
in a parking lot.
- [LAUGHTER]
- Wait, is this a roast?
Okay, so if you wanna continue, Kenan,
I can just stay here with the girls.
No, no. I was just I'm sorry.
Please go inside. That's it, people.
Just a simple picnic.
And then the squirrel rolled up
and I was about to handle it,
and then y'all got here.
Yeah, what the hell
y'all doing here anyway?
Man, we ain't want you to be
alone on your birthday, bro.
Don't worry, guys. I rehearsed
the black birthday song in the car,
- so I'm ready.
- Well, I know that's supposed to be sweet,
but it's not my birthday
until next week.
And Gary, how did you not know that?
I knew it was coming up, man,
but then rick was so sure,
and I just got excited
about throwing you a party.
Well, it's not totally on us.
I mean, you were acting all weird,
like your special night
There's nothing weird about that.
Yeah, but you was eating birthday cake
all by your damn self, okay?
What were we supposed to think?
That birthday cake
is my favorite kind of cake,
and you can get the ones
that haven't been picked up
at the end of the day at Kroger
for five bucks.
Wait, how did you see me
eating cake anyway?
Uh-oh, Rick, you wanna take this one?
Don't turn this around on us.
You were the one that was
wining and dining the rodent,
and if we hadn't shown up, you
might've finished that rhyme!
The picnic was with Mika,
and I was just trying to be alone.
Okay.
All right, man. We'll let you be alone.
All right, y'all. Let's bounce.
But I brought a little Tupperware
to take cake home.
No, please stay!
I mean, uh [CLEARS THROAT]
Chill. Y'all already here.
Turns out being alone ain't all
it's cracked up to be anyway.
- And I got cake.
- Yes!
Well, I got part of a cake.
- Right?
- That'll do.
Let's do it!
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
Hey, Deon, Jan.
Thank you so much for coming.
Cheers, cheers.
Hey, you know, that lasagna
was actually pretty good.
- See?
- Yep.
- Pam, you good?
- I'm great.
Phil, come on, man.
This is not one of those
"take your shoes off
inside the house" type of houses.
Sorry.
You need a ride home, buddy?
- I finally got a new passenger seat.
- Ooh.
My babies!
Thank you so much for ditching
your little satanic ritual
to come to my not-birthday party.
Uncle Gary and Papa Rick made us,
but we wanted to come home anyway.
I knew it! You weren't ready.
No, we were ready for a sleepover,
just not with those monsters.
They tried to give us fruit for dessert
and wanted us to sleep on the floor.
Oh, my!
And clearly,
you needed some "lasagna."
Can we have cake even though
we just had cookies?
Why not?
And you don't even have
to eat your veggies first.
Boom! Parenting instincts.
♪
- I'll be right back.
- Okay.
Look, I'm sorry
that I put that whole thing
about your sad life out there.
Not that your life is sad.
And I'm sorry that I made fun of you
for believing in all of that stuff.
Look, I'm not all the
way there with you,
but I do feel better so thank you.
Of course, and just so you know,
what I heard out of all that
was, "Mika, you're right."
Well, people gonna hear
what they wanna hear.
Sure.
It's a pretty dope birthday party.
Even though it's not Kenan's birthday.
And there's no clown.
Eh, it's just a classic case
of two best bros looking out
for their third best bro.
Okay, what's up with this
"best bro" stuff, man?
Why you keep trying to make
me and you happen all night?
Gee, man, I
I just don't have a lot
of friends to hang out with.
The ones I have left are in Florida.
Or jail.
Or heaven.
Oh.
Whoa, yeah, I guess I never thought
about, uh, how much you had to give up
to be with Kenan and the girls.
Gary, I had a waterbed.
Ew.
Yeah.
Well, look, man,
for what it's worth, I had
a lot of fun tonight, man.
I knew it.
- Best bros.
- All right.
Hey, boys, thanks again
for a great party.
Unless, of course, this is still
a sleep gummy hallucination.
In which case, please take
me to the hospital.
[LAUGHTER]
Yo, for real, though,
were you trying to smash that squirrel?
Of course not.
She was thick, though, wasn't she?
- She was thick.
- [LAUGHTER]
We need to keep this party going
till we get some alley cats up in here
'cause mama needs hers too.
- What?
- [STRAINED LAUGHTER]
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah
- What?
- [CLEARS THROAT]
I know it's not fair.
It's just kind of weird when you do it.
- He's not wrong.
- Why?
Again, it's not fair, but
It's weird as hell.
- It is weird as hell.
- "Alley cat"?
What's wrong with an alley cat?
- Why you got a homeless cat?
- Not homeless!
I mean, with a little dirty,
high butt walking around.