Kevin From Work (2015) s01e06 Episode Script

1 (laughter echoing) Look, I'm not going to Italy.
Okay? The job there no longer exists.
(giggling) (laughing) (all laughing) (laughter echoing) (Audrey reading in Italian) - No - (water sloshing) (Audrey continuing in Italian) No No.
(speaking Italian) Noooooo! - Sound off! - Happy! - Sound off! - Birthday! Both: Happy birthday, Kevin! - Here.
- No.
Thank you.
Hurry up, before the wax starts dripping on you and it gets all kinky up in here.
- (hoots) - Yay! Happy birthday, Kev.
Okay, down these.
You're gonna need a good stomach coating - for the direction we're headed.
- Yeah, guys, I have to work.
Don't you have today off? No.
People work on their birthdays.
No, they don't.
No.
If George Washington was alive, he wouldn't.
- Or Abraham Lincoln.
- Or Martin Luther King.
Well, sometimes he would, depending on where he worked.
Yum.
Thank you.
Thank you, guys, so much.
I really appreciate this, but nothing else.
Okay? I just want to put this year behind me, celebrate by not celebrating.
Nobody at the office even knows it's my birthday today.
All right, Kev.
We totally get it.
No celebrating.
No problem.
It's the last time we talk about it.
- Thank you.
- Both: Bye! Okay, here's the thing.
I know my brother better than he knows himself, right? And when he says, he doesn't want to celebrate, - what he really means - Yeah.
- No, he doesn't want to.
- Not at all.
- (theme music playing) - Because it's all good It's all, all, it's all good Uh-huh, yup, it's all good Uh-huh, uh-huh, it's all good Because it's all good It's all, all, it's all good (Audrey clears throat) Oh.
No thanks.
I already had pancakes this morning.
Wow, fancy.
Nope.
No, nothing fancy.
Just regular old pancakes on a regular old day.
I would hardly call it regular.
What? Why? Why not? Why wouldn't you? You wouldn't? Why? Because we have to redo the sales packet for the Hemet Women's Correctional Center.
Apparently, some of the nutritional values were off.
Oh, man.
That was so much work.
But, you know, nice to see that the only grams those ladies are counting now are sugar.
- (both laugh) - (phone ringing) Superior Foods and Beverages.
Kevin Daily speaking.
Kevin, Rutgar's not good.
I'm at the hospital.
It might be the end (coos) but him's a tough soldier.
Julia, it's Audrey.
I'm so sorry.
Oh, I know, it's really tough, sweetie.
He's like a little kitten, a kitten with incontinence issues.
But I'm not leaving my furbaby's side.
So, Kevin, you're in charge.
I want you to do whatever it takes to get that sales packet in tonight.
- Me? Perfect.
- What was that? I can't hear you over all of Rutgy's moaning.
Oh, I just said Purrrfect.
Kevin, I need you at your best today and that joke wasn't it.
- You're right.
- Just be my responsible Kevs.
Clean up any mess and finish any deal.
Okay? You're my cleaner and my closer my double-C.
- Is there anything I can do, Julia? - Just listen to Kevin, and just pray that little R-man pulls through.
But I meant in a leadership role You said you'd get me a private! I want a private room, damn it! (Rutgar yowls) Hey, you know, she's just she's just going through a lot.
I mean, those kitty moans were pretty bad.
It's fine.
She sees you as responsible, and she wants to give you the opportunity to be in charge.
I don't begrudge you.
Opportunity? Are you kidding me? Responsibility is a curse, especially here.
In charge, just means you're a referee - (muffled grumbling) - Guys, guys, guys! Stop fighting! There is enough for both of you.
Okay? Just share the schmear.
Constantly solving ridiculous problems Turn over your staplers and just read the name tape on the bottom, and, uh, see if you have the right one.
- (whimpers) - Now, please.
Let's do it now.
- Putting out fires.
- (alarm beeping) You underestimate them.
I think they are smart and capable, it's up to the person in charge to mold that.
- (scoffs) - Here.
Maybe this will help inspire you.
Progressive ideas I've collected on studies, business journals, think tanks - Kevin, there is an emergency! - What? What is it? Simon says my herbal lumbar pillow is his.
Oh, this day This day will be an endless day in hell.
So with Julia unable to leave her relative's side today, it's up to us to redo the sales packet by the end of the day.
That means working through lunch.
- (grumbling) - I'm sorry.
Okay, Ricky, you are on soft drinks.
Simon, you are on chips.
Uh, Garfunkle, you (sniffs, sighs) - Never mind.
- (clears throat) Whose fault is it we have to do the sales packet again? I spent six hours confirming that there aren't any nuts in the smoothies and I don't plan on doing it again.
There was some rat hair, though.
Ricky, it's not any one individual who's at fault.
Okay? We just need you to finish collecting the beverage data.
Just don't worry about anything other than that.
Okay? Everybody, good? Let's do it, people.
Good stuff.
Wow, did you ever miss an opportunity for dialoguing.
But, you know, whatever, you're in charge.
No dialoguing.
Trust me, the more that you give them, the more that they want.
- They're like squirrels.
- What? You know, when you feed them like one nut by hand 'cause you think it'll be fun, but then they just keep sneaking back - You feed squirrels? - Yeah.
No.
What? Forget it.
I'm not I've done it like four times.
I don't know, it's not a thing.
Okay.
(elevator dings) Patti! What are you doing here? Out shopping? Yeah.
It was either Rodeo Drive or this depressing cinder-block building.
(laughs) No.
Since my daddy dates your boss, he arranged for me to come and work here to see if I like it.
Who's your daddy? Our night of passion is long forgotten.
Please move on.
Anyhow, my dad thinks that running a blog about how your dad is on you to get a real job isn't a real job.
Julia's actually out right now, but if you're serious about working, you know, we could probably use the help.
You can be our Superior Foods and Beverages intern.
Well, the superior part works.
Okay, where's your kitchen? I need a snack to recharge after my drive.
I had a very stressful Uber experience.
(blowing) Ugh.
- Okay, so where are the snacks? - I'll show you.
I'm Ricky.
You look like a high-class dominatrix.
I'm Patti.
From this moment forward, you shall be my work husband.
Accepted.
I'm so glad you heard Kevin's cry for party help.
I thought I was the only one.
Roxie, if you weren't his sister, I'd be like damn, that girl that looks like him and has same last name, knows him just as well as I do.
Oh! We need to make room for a dance floor.
- But Kevin hates dancing.
- Oh, you're right.
Let me tell you something.
I love it.
- Me too.
- Oh yeah? We'll see about that.
- (hip-hop music playing) - How much you like this? - A lot.
- How much? - A lot! - How much?! - A lot! - (scatting) I broke the lamp! Ha! Oh, I broke the lamp.
Oh, it's fine.
Just leave it.
We'll blame it on the drunkest guest later.
- Wait, that's going to be me.
- You.
- Let's plan this bitch.
- Let's plan it! (Patti and Ricky laughing) Patti: Uh, I thought this was a food business? All you guys have to eat are these multi-grain doorstops.
Patti? Hi.
Can I just get you to look over these papers from the Hemet Women's Correctional Center? I need to know the monthly number of snacks per inmate.
- I'd say it's 25 to life.
- (laughter) Okay, people.
I know that it's kind of a drag to have to do this work since we've already all done it once.
But there's really nothing that we can do.
Okay? So, let's do it.
Mm! Wish you had been this forceful during our night together.
What happened to leaving that behind us? You embarrassed me by giving me work and expecting me to do it.
So I retaliated with that mild emasculation.
- (sing-songy) Ricky? - Yes, my queen.
Patti: Come with me.
Audrey: You'll get more out of your employees if you make them feel like their contributions mold the company.
Hmm.
Patti's only contribution is just being a roving stand-up, which really isn't molding anything, you know, especially with that material.
It's mostly hacky observational stuff, but it just seems to kill.
(phone ringing) Hello? Mrs.
Swane.
What? Slow down.
No, no, no.
Nope.
Nope, don't call the police.
I'm I'll come home right now, and I'll just take care of everything.
I'll see you soon.
Thank you.
Well, I've got to go.
There's a problem in my apartment, of course.
'Cause it's not enough that I'm dealing with all of the problems here.
Okay.
But, hey, you wanted to be in charge.
Right? - So, you got it, sister.
- Really? I'm gonna be back as soon as I possibly can.
Yep.
Take your time.
My binder and I got it covered.
Garfunkle: Give me it! Already coming in handy.
Okay everyone.
Everyone? Eyes up here.
- (grumbling) - Thank you.
I've noticed a lot of grumble related to today's redo, and while Kevin had a "shut up and do it" attitude, I think you will all be relieved to know that I have a "speak up "and do it if it feels right for you" attitude.
What are you talking about? And have you done anything about Herbal Pillowgate? Not just yet.
Right now we're doing this.
- It's a game.
- Hope it's not Pictionary.
I can't draw.
I have two left hands.
No, no.
It's not Pictionary.
It is a game that increases productivity and positive work-related feelings.
- Are there prizes? - Oh yes! Whoever answers the questions will get office bucks, which you can trade in for fun opportunities right here at work.
Uh, is there real money? No.
For example, ten office bucks equals one lunch unit, and if you get five lunch units, you get to dine in the conference room! Let's start with an easy one.
What's my strongest skill? Ricky, what about you? I'd say my strongest skill is not showing how angry I am right now.
Okay.
Anger is an emotion that once processed, you'll fully understand what's really bothering you.
You and Kevin for making us do the work we already did.
But now that he's gone, just you.
Ow.
I'm sorry, I thought this was America, where I can defend myself in the moment, if wrongly accused to the police officer doing that wrongful accusing, even if it means using an endless stream of curse words.
Isn't that right, Kevin? Tell him.
No.
Well, she gets a phone call, I know that much.
She would just call me and I'm here.
Brian: Here, let me see the cuffs.
So, I see that you're from the, uh, the 94th precinct.
My company, Superior Foods and Beverages, we always stock the stuff that goes in your vending machines at that station.
Yeah.
What about it? Well, how are those "Fit & Slim Choices" working out for you.
What are you trying to say? I don't know.
Nothing.
I mean Well, I do miss my Fire Hot Crunch-eez.
Of course you do.
A man wants what a man wants.
I could probably get those things put back in there for you.
(whispers) Like a tiger.
Like a tiger.
Here's the thing, though.
My buddy and my sister, they were just trying to surprise me on my birthday and they got a little out of control.
I apologize.
You know the truth is (sighs) I didn't even really want to celebrate this year, you know.
Yeah, I get it.
Forty was tough on me too.
I'm not Yeah, it's been rough.
- (Roxie giggling) - Okay.
It looks like the problem is contained now.
Okay! Thank you! Oh.
Can you write down your e-mail in case I want to sue you for brutality? I have an entire cocktail over here I haven't been able to enjoy because of all this nonsense.
Okay! Thank you so much.
And, hey, uh, be on the lookout for those Fire Hot Crunch-eez.
All right.
- Mm! - That was frickin' awesome, Kev.
That was like "The Wire" but with snacks.
- Who wants mojitos? - Oh, those are bad for you.
- And I'm going back to work.
- Brian: You want one, Kev.
- Hey, girl.
- Hey! So, Patti, how are you feeling? You getting the hang of it here? Okay, Audrey, you're my friend, so I have to tell you.
Everyone's making fun of you.
Who? Um - And that walk of hers - (laughter) Am I right? I don't know.
You know I'm still learning people's names here.
Well, it's probably because they're just not used to having someone in charge who's so approachable and and caring.
No, that's not it.
They're all going mad, stuck in their cages.
Everyone feels like veal, veal that has to talk about their feelings.
Okay.
That is excellent feedback.
Thank you.
Hey, hey.
Ricky.
Ladies.
Okay, everybody, we are inching our way toward that finish line.
I don't know how I'm feeling! And that's okay, Simon, because we're not going to talk about that.
In fact, we're not going to be talking at all.
We are going to take a walk.
A little good old-fashioned exercise to boost circulation and brain power.
Let's go.
(chuckles) Three brisks laps around the building.
What do you say? Go! Skedaddle! That's great, guys.
Are you gonna keep me company? I'm with you, sister.
(elevator dings) (sighs) (cell phones ringing, buzzing) (scoffs) Please.
I don't know about you, peeps, but all I see are the words "drive," "home," and "walk out.
" - Who's with me? - (laughter) Patti: Halt! Halt! Halt! (laughs) Hey.
You guys ever seen Audrey try and push an elevator button? (loud laughter) (clock ticking) (phones ringing) Audrey? Where is everybody? Oh gone.
All of them.
And, Kevin, I don't think they're coming back.
(voice echoing) Coming back, coming back.
We need them to come back.
Nobody's handed in their numbers for the new packet yet.
Where are they? Boosting their brain power.
I let them take a walk.
It was an idea from my binder.
Oh my God! That's like asking a group of toddlers to wait on the end of the pier while you go get another drink at the bar! But you probably knew that from your babysitting binder.
You leave my binder out of this.
- (phone ringing) - Sure thing.
- (groans) - (phone beeps) - Hi, Julia.
How's our boy? - Julia: Kevin Rutgar turned a corner, a big one.
Tubes have been removed and the color's returned to his whiskers.
Fantastic! Listen, we're on our way home, but I'm gonna stop off at the office first to sign off on the sales packet, so we can get it in tonight, all right? Terrific! They're so ready to be gotten in.
Terrific.
(toy squeaking) (gasps) Oh, Rutgar! Look, my darling, a clown.
- (groans) - (sighs) (thumping) Sorry, Kevin.
I just thought this was an opportunity to use some new techniques.
They just want to put their heads down and get through the day.
And can you blame them? I mean, that's all I wanted to do today.
Why? What's today? Nothing.
Oh, this is bad.
I know this is my fault, but I could really use a cleaner and closer right about now.
Please, Kevin.
(dramatic music playing) (birds chirping) Kevin: Audrey, I'd hope not to reveal this information to you, as it's been a pretty rough year.
I remember.
I was going to go to Italy, but I did not.
I said I remember.
And then, I embarrassed myself with you and I've been struggling with that ever since.
I felt as though I had nothing to celebrate, and so I was determined to conceal the secret until now.
Kevin, what is it? Julia will be here any minute with her puss.
There is one thing that can save you, Audrey.
For today Today is my birthday.
It's your birthday? We must give them birthday cake.
Mm.
The after-party is definitely as amazing as the party planning.
- Mm-hmm.
- We're good.
So good.
It's too bad we didn't get to the party-party part.
Mm-hmm.
Lemonade Sunshine Fortune cookies Long rides Barbecues Good songs Feeling like a big dog We should probably stop eating this.
Rock and Roll Delta blues I'm feeling all right Let's have a good time - I got that good stuff Good stuff Good stuff - Cake.
- There's cake.
- Cake.
We're gonna go.
- There's cake.
- Cake.
- There there's cake.
I got that good stuff Good stuff Cake! Ooh! Should we finish at the office? You betcha.
Duct tape Belt buckles (gasps) Cake! No.
(gasps) Chocolate? Close me out.
Chocolate cake! Let's have a good time I got that good stuff - (tires screech) - Excuse me! - Cake! - (cars honking) Excuse you.
I have to go get me some cake! - (tires screech) - Man: Hey! Watch it! I've got to get back to work, you dillweed! Hey, I, uh, saved you the E.
- Ooh.
- Kyle snagged the K, sorry.
Well, you know, he He was lured all the way back from whale watching, so he deserves a special treat.
- True.
- Employees: Hey! Kevin: Welcome back, Julia! Kevin: And, Rutgar, look at you! (chuckles) Thanks for minding the store, Kevs.
I almost lost him to the angels this time.
I am so happy he's okay - and I missed you! Muah.
- Muah.
Muah.
Oh, did you enjoy working here, doll? Well, I enjoyed it when I was outdoors - when I was supposed to be working.
- (laughs) That's okay.
I see you somewhere else doing something more creative anyway.
Yes, Fake Mom.
- (laughs) - (Kevin laughs) Hey, boy.
Who wants some? He's diabetic, you dunce! Mmm.
Mmm! All right, everyone! Choke down the rest of your cake and get back to work! - Kev? - Hm? Drop off that sales packet when it's ready to sign, okay? - Kevin: Will do! - Out of my way, chubs.
(mutters) I can't help it.
Looks like your reign of terror has come to a merciful end now that our queen and her little prince are back.
Long live Julia and Rutgar! - Hear! Hear! - (employees cheer) But between you and me, I don't think that cat's got a shot in hell of making it through the weekend.
(giggles) (laughs) So why didn't you want anyone to know about your birthday? Oh, I don't know.
Um I guess I just didn't want anybody to feel sorry for me.
It's it's been a rough year.
I'm sorry it's been a disappointment in lots of ways.
But it's all over now, right? It's a new year and this isn't the worst way to start it, is it? No, it's not so bad.
Happy birthday, Kevin.
Let your heart run Let your heart run (clears throat) No, don't.
You can, um feed your squirrels with it.
(giggles) - Never gonna live that down, huh? - Audrey: Nope! I like squirrels.