Kirstie (2013) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Kirstie is taped before a live studio audience.
"Dearest Elizabeth, upon seeing you last night," "I realized my feelings for you have not withered," "much like those lilacs that you've always cherished.
" Well, I need to get these into a vase, which apparently is not here.
In the meantime, I will just hold them close to my heart, because I have no other choice.
Oh, there it is.
How foolish I must feel.
Did you see me out there? I looked like a damned jackass holding those flowers.
That missing vase threw off my entire performance.
Maybe next time, don't tape your monologue to the side of a vase.
It was an honest mistake, these things happen.
It was the third time this week.
Last night a sand bag almost fell on my head, and the night before that, the trap door was left open.
I want that person fired.
- Fired hard.
- Right away.
Nobody makes a fool of Madison Banks.
- Besides Madison Banks? - Exactly.
Don't you think you're overreacting a little? If anything, I am under overreacting.
And you know what? I bet you I know who it is.
I bet you it's that ancient stagehand with the milky eye and the dead hand.
I had to shake it at the Christmas party.
I'm not even sure if there were bones in it.
Come in.
Oh, hi, Mrs.
Banks.
I just wanted to introduce myself.
I'm Mickey Russo.
- Well, it's my pleasure, Mickey Russo.
- No, the pleasure's mine.
So, would you like me to sign your program or something more intimate? Actually, I'm a stagehand here.
I just started last week, but I already got the ax, and I just had to hand my stuff in to somebody, so So you're the one who got fired? - Yeah.
- By an unnamed actor? - Yeah.
- I just hate theater people! It's my own fault.
I mean, you know, this job is not as easy as they said it would be.
I mean, you got to walk around in the dark.
You got to put stuff places.
And sometimes the stuff is not real stuff.
It's fake stuff But it's still got to be there.
I could listen to you all day.
I feel like I just did.
You know Maybe I could speak to someone and see if I could get your job back.
What? You'd do that for me? Well, Miss Banks, we took care of it Sit down.
So in the event that this doesn't work out, do you have any other job prospects? Yeah, I was thinking, like, you know, maybe a computer-fix-it guy, or maybe, like, a finance guy.
- And if those don't work? - Maybe a porn actor guy? Really? You know, you wouldn't know where a veterinarian is in this town, would you? No, I'm sorry.
That's too bad, 'cause these puppies are sick.
All right, you know what? It was great to meet you, and I wish you the best of luck.
You know what? That's hardly sufficient.
- How about a hug? - Sure.
That was a really good hug.
Season 1, Episode 6 "Mickey & Maddie" I just cracked my tooth on something.
Is that a bone in there? In a pancake? Of course not! It's a chicken beak.
What? Oh, I'm glad I have some leftover Vicodin from when I had to watch Maddie on Celebrity Jeopardy.
Well, I hope they find your toe.
Did they look under the seats? They should bring in dogs.
What? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, good luck with that.
What's the matter? Some jerk, he cut off my dance partner's toe on the subway.
Oh, my God! You have a dance partner? Yeah, yeah, well, I did.
Every year I compete in the International Ballroom Cancing Grand Prix.
Oh, sounds impressive.
It's six couples and a boom box at The Y.
Excuse me, it's eight couples and an iPod.
Welcome to 2014! Um, maybe I could fill in, Frank? Wait, Lucilla, I thought that we had plans to go to the Farmer's Market? Did we? According to the e-vite I sent you, we did.
Maybe I read too much into your "maybe".
Look, Lucilla, the routine, it's too complicated.
Well, your technique is a disaster, but I'll make it work.
Morning.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- You're still here.
- Yeah.
Lucky me.
So you want some breakfast? The most important meal of the day.
No offense to lunch or dinner.
No, no.
That's okay.
I have a really busy day.
Oh, but I make a mean omelet.
You know what I do? I take some green pepper, and I chop it up, and then I take some onion, and I chop that up, and sometimes some ham - Basically a Denver omelet.
- Exactly.
And then I take some bread, and I toast it, and I put it next to the omelet on the plate, and sometimes I put butter on the toast.
I don't want you to go to all that trouble though.
Come on.
I know that you have places to go.
No, no, my slate's clean.
I'm spending the whole day with my girl.
- Oh, you have a girlfriend? - Yeah, you, beautiful.
You're my girl.
- I'm your girl? - Yeah.
- How long have I been asleep? - Two hours and 31 minutes.
I watched you the whole time.
I even sang to you.
Was it Jimmy Crack Corn? 'Cause I thought I dreamt that.
You didn't dream it.
That's probably my favorite song about corn.
Um.
Mickey - It is Mickey, right? - Yeah, Mickey.
Mickey, you know, sometimes people have a one night stand, and it's amazing.
Yeah, it was.
But, you see, the best part of a one night stand is, it's "one night.
" Did I say onions? Sometimes they melt, and they get sweet.
It is so good.
Okay, Mickey, so why don't you get dressed, and I'm gonna go downstairs, and make sure we have eggs, and onions, and peppers, and ham, and toast.
Miss you more.
I'm sorry.
That's something we could say, like, you know, "Miss you more.
" I just love us.
Thank you for calling me back, doctor.
No, I know they got you out of surgery, but my tooth is in excruciating Stop.
I have a problem.
Does yours make you want to take a hammer to your jaw? Sort of.
You know that stagehand I fired? - The one upstairs in your bed? - Yeah.
He thinks we're a couple now.
So, like, boyfriend and girlfriend.
What is he doing? - Dance contest.
- Oh, right.
I don't know how to get rid of this Mickey guy.
You want this punk gone? I'll take care of this mano a mano.
Hold my neckerchief.
Thank you, Frank.
I owe you forever.
What kind of a man sleeps with a woman and then stays? Is it me? What did I do wrong? I got an idea.
Did you let him see you without makeup? Yes, he thinks I look even better.
He said I'm a natural beauty.
I didn't know that there was any part of your face that's still natural.
- Done.
- Did you get rid of him? No, no.
We're going kayaking next week.
You got a great guy there, Maddie.
Jimmy crack corn and I don't care - Hi, honey.
- Oh, hi.
Did you miss me? Oh, you didn't meet in the dressing room.
This is Thelma.
She's my executive assistant.
Oh, hey, so could I call you "Thelms"? - Nope.
- How about, "little buddy"? Thelms it is.
I really hope he's good in bed.
Sadly, he is.
Hey, Mickey, honey, can you come over here and sit just a minute? Okay, you have the green peppers, but you don't have the onions.
Okay, now, I have a slight confession to make.
- Okay.
- And when you hear what I have to say, I wouldn't be at all surprised or the least bit disappointed if you never wanted to see me again.
What is it? - I'm the one who got you fired.
- What? Why? - To be mean.
I'm really mean.
- No, no.
Yes, I once intentionally poured hot soup on a little boy.
What kind of soup? Forget about the soup.
The point is, I'm mean.
But how can I forget about the soup? Okay, Mickey, that's it.
We can't do this.
Look We can't see each other anymore.
This is good-bye.
Hug? Son of a bitch.
Follow my hips.
They're reliable guys on this journey.
Hey! You guys really missed out.
The Farmer's Market kicked ass.
Root vegetables off the chain.
Rough day at the Farmer's Market? No.
It's this whole Frank dancing with Lucilla thing.
You worried about him moving in on her? - I know.
It's crazy, right? - Not really.
I don't know what it is, but when his hips start moving, women just melt.
- You're messing with me.
- Maybe, maybe not.
Got to make my own fun.
Anything to take my mind off this damn toothache.
Look, Arlo, if you're that worried about it, just go talk to Frank.
But take my advice, don't look at his hips.
His sensuality knows no boundaries.
This day has been so exciting.
It's been like being invited into the exotic world of Maddie Banks.
I loved every second of it.
I counted every second of it.
Yeah, I mean, pricing patio umbrellas and buying shoe inserts and going to the ATM and then the mani-pedi.
That's what you call it, right? Mani-pedi.
- Short for manicure-pedicure, right? - Right - Are you sure it wasn't boring? - No Like say a day so boring it was designed to drive you away? Are you kidding? After that Cosmo quiz? The one we took together that said we were both "crazily craving couple-hood?" Mickey, you wrote in all my answers for me.
'Cause we're together.
I know how you think.
I know what you're thinking now.
You're thinking, "Why doesn't Mickey live with me 24-7?" I can guarantee you, that's not what I'm thinking.
- Mickey, we just met yesterday.
- I know.
The whole world's changed since then, hasn't it? No, it really I've got to go I've got to go to the bathroom.
- I'll go with you.
- No! No, no, don't! Okay, miss you more.
Beat you to it.
Don't you just love us? Can't breathe.
Must escape.
Oh, my God.
That was the best cannoli I've eaten in my life.
Even if you hate cannolis, you have to try it.
Cannoli.
No.
I just think since I like her, and since you know I like her, maybe you could find somebody else to dance with.
I don't dance with people, Arlo.
People dance with me.
What does that mean? It means, it's not gonna happen.
Frosty refreshing lemonade, anyone? I don't mind replenishing the temple.
Take this one, Frank.
It's extra lemony.
Ah, yummy.
So listen, Arlo.
This late in the game, I got to defend my title.
Come on, Frank, just blow this one off.
No can do, little lady.
I got dance fever, and there ain't no cure.
I had a feeling you were going to say that.
I have a question.
Why are you speaking in rainbows? Oh, my God! What happened? It's just my painkillers mixed with lemonade.
He'll be fine.
It's two less than I had for breakfast.
Now, Lucilla is gonna be heartbroken she's not dancing.
Go comfort her.
Thank you.
Night-night, pop-pop.
Congratulations.
- You finally got rid of Mickey? - Yeah, he's gone.
I ditched him at the restaurant.
I left my coat and my dignity behind, and I don't care.
What happened? Frank, what are you doing down there? Don't you have a dance contest to go to? - I guess I fell asleep.
- Yeah, I guess you did.
And Lucilla didn't want to wake you, so she went to a movie with Arlo.
- That doesn't make any sense.
- Sure, it does.
Shut up.
I can't believe I'm missing the contest.
What kind of champion doesn't defend his title? First of all, it's unfair to the fans.
Maddie, didn't you tango in that musical, Didn't You Tango? Forget it.
I'm sorry, Frank, but I've had the absolute worst day of my life.
I just climbed through a bathroom window, fell in a dumpster, and a family of rats broke my fall.
And that was the highlight.
Sure, I understand.
There's always next year.
What are you doing, Frank? I thought you said you were good at this? I'm still so sleepy.
Snap out of it.
- Why did you do that!? - They love it.
Frank, I think we won.
I think we won.
Distinguished judges, friends of the dance, a few hours ago, I didn't even think I was going to be here tonight, but sometimes when God cuts off a toe, he opens a window.
Thank you, New York! Doctor.
I'm so sorry to bother you at home, but I think my tooth is getting worse.
I am in agony.
Great news! We won.
Yay.
Listen, Maddie, you really came through for me tonight.
Oh, come on.
You come through for me every night.
I'd do anything for a friend.
Could you help me find an all-night dentist? Thelma, shh.
I'm having a moment with Frank.
Hi, baby.
Mickey, what are you doing here? I left you in the restaurant.
I ditched you without so much as saying good-bye, and yet here you are as if you didn't get the message.
But I didn't get the message.
No worries.
The idea is we're here again together.
- Hey, I brought your coat back - But you're not hearing me.
And dessert.
Oh, I'm sorry I interrupted.
I hope this is a cannoli.
Wait a minute.
Wait! This is insane.
What are you doing here? Well, I just brought some cas' slacks, and I brought some dress slacks in case we get to go out.
- Whoa.
- I know.
It's crazy isn't it? It's like fate hit us with a thunderbolt.
Boom! Or is it "crash"? Can I use the lower drawer? - Mickey, how did you even get in here? - Fayeed let me in.
- Who's Fayeed? - He's the doorman.
You know, he's so happy for us You know, he said he'd given up on you.
He even said it to me just like this.
He said, "I gave up on that girl.
" - Stop talking! - Okay.
I know I'm babbling.
I'm babbling.
But I just get so excited about all the things we're gonna do together - All the traveling we're gonna do.
- Now I have to go places? Yeah, Fayeed said that Egypt looks good this time of year.
Hey, where did you duck out to tonight? Where'd you have to go? I had to do this dance thing with Frank.
Dance thing? Yeah, he was in this tango contest.
- Frank.
That's a he? - Yes, Frank, my driver.
My kayak buddy? Yes.
Let me get this straight.
You went out dancing - with another man - to music.
Why is this such a hard concept for you to get? Wait a minute.
Wait.
Are you upset that I went out dancing with Frank? Is he the only one? Oh, believe me, he's not.
When I hear that music, I just turn into a dancing slut.
You know what? This isn't working for me anymore, Maddie.
- I'm breaking up with you.
- No, please, don't.
Well, I am.
That's it.
I hate us.
Well, we tried.
Yeah, we tried.
And this is good-bye.
- Hug? - Hell, no! Dammit!