Kitchen Confidential (2005) s01e06 Episode Script

Working in a kitchen is a lot like working in a submarine: you spend all day, everyday day with the same people in very close quarters.
Sorry I'm late Jack.
Because of this, we maintain an air of professionalism at all times.
I was at Tanya's place this morning.
Oh let me guess, she wanted you to help her move furniture.
Let's just say the bed moved.
Because you picked it up and moved it! Yeah It's genius! When we're at work, there are no men, there are no women, there are only chefs.
Boy Jim, my breasts sure are fascinating aren't they? What? No, I wasn't-thong! I mean- Is that the first time you've seen a naked lady there Jim? No no.
When I-back in Utah, I had a-a magazine until my mom saw it and started crying.
That was an uncomfortable glimpse behind the curtain wasn't it? That's so cute.
- Would you like to touch them? - I'd like to touch them.
Nobody's talking to you.
Hey come on Jim, I'm serious, they won't bite.
Get in there! Stop! Oh n- n-no, no no.
I made you a treat for your special day.
- Oh come on - The nipples are raspberries.
Very nice! How would you like it if I filled your underwear with frosting? Don't answer that.
Who else likes it when she gets all huffy? Don't! You're already striking out with Tanya.
Focus your failure on one woman at a time.
Hey guys, you know the rule againts co-workers dating.
Well then maybe you should tell that to Cameron and a certain dishwasher.
We're just talking.
Wait! Are you serious? Or is that something you just say like "I love you" or "I didn't steal your stereo" I'm dead serious! Why do you think I never took a run at Becky? Because then you'd have nothing left to fantasize about.
That.
And because people think that they can handle it but then emotions get involved and feelings get hurt and someone winds up getting fired.
Jack! You're fired! He's mine! - Jack! - Yeah? - You're fired! - Baby what did I do to deserve this? Jack.
You're fired.
Bottom line: don't dip your wick in the company oil.
Hey! Oh nice.
Very accurate.
That's you! - I know.
- I had nothing to do with those.
Those- Yeah, look.
Jack wants me to come in early tomorrow to sign for a shipment of meat but I don't wanna do it so you're gonna do it.
Ok, Ok, will do.
Thank you for stopping by.
Geez! - Dude that better not be for me.
- It's-no.
Heads up guys! We got a level What's that? A chef's mortal enemy.
A vegan.
No meat, no fish, no faun, no fun, ever! They don't even eat eggs.
Which means that they're weak and they can be frightened off with a large spoon.
Why wouldn't someone wanna eat meat? Because it's poison that's why! Plus it's killing the planet.
Oh and let's not forget it's murder! Oh actually 3 of the steaks we're serving tonight were suicides.
Funny! Could you take this butter away.
Yes, I'll make sure to give it a decent burial.
Look I'm serious about this.
I'm sure you're serious about everything.
You have no idea! You know, I don't know what Jack's trying to prove with this whole "no dating" rule.
I mean we're all adults, we can handle it.
You are so desperate to get me in the sack.
Get you in? No! Kick you in? Yeah! Oh come one! We both know you're dying to let a little Steven in your life.
And by a little Steven I mean a lot of Steven.
Honey! There's nothing you have that I couldn't replace with a pulsating shower head and a little imagination.
Something I can help you with Jim? Is there-No.
I- ah-I-I'm sorry.
So I'm evil? I'm evil because I eat meat? Yes.
I would say that.
- I eat meat.
- Mom please.
It's called the food chain.
We got to the top of it.
Cows didn't.
You know why? Cause they're lazy and now they're paying the price for it.
I'm sure when the rain-forests dissapear the planet will survive on your sense of humor.
You're just full of opinions aren't you? A lot of men are intimidated by that.
I'm not a lot of men.
Does anyone care that it's my birthday? You are so picturing me naked right now.
Steven, if you wanna have sex with me just ask.
You know maybe I'll do you a favor and throw you one.
Do me a favor? Listen sweetheart, I don't ask women, they ask me.
Hundred bucks says you will.
No,a hundred bucks says you will.
You seriously think I want you that bad.
Oh you would be lucky to last the day.
- Fine then.
It's on.
- Oh it's on.
And, I don't take checks.
Good.
I don't have a checkbook.
So I rinsed off some lettuce, put vinegar on it, charged her 18 bucks.
Oh! Vegans are stupid.
Yeah.
But you gotta give her credit she sticks by her principals.
Yes, stupid principals.
Yeah, I couldn't live that way.
I'm a hunter.
Which reminds me.
Grab your gun because it's éclair season.
Bottom line: vegans are scum, and dead animals are delicious.
Yeah.
Screw the vegans.
Yeah! - What? - Chef.
You sound out of breath.
Did you run to the phone? What do you want Jim? I'm sorry.
So the meat guy brought the rabbits that you ordered for the special.
Stop that.
What do they look fresh? Yeah Yeah they look fresh.
Hey sexy! I thought I'd tell you about all the things that I wanna do to you.
First Yeah well that sounds, pleasant enough.
But,uh, here's a thing or two that you might enjoy lady.
Yeah well, some women might enjoy that.
But not as much as you would enjoy a little bit of this.
Ok! That is not my pastor! Let's cut to the chase, here's you really want.
No dude that sounds good.
My ass is awesome.
I'd love-Hello? Hello? He hung up on me.
What you do to my crab and cucumber salad? Oh actually, I was in the tub last night and I had this idea.
You took the crab out huh? You took the crab out! No, I wanted to give the cucumbers a chance to shine.
Is that weatgrass in your breath? No, no no.
I, uh, I started drinking again.
Liar! You're shagging the celery sucker.
Yeah, I can see the marks from her tiny blunt teeth on you neck.
Great! I do all the work and the customer gets the tip.
Actually not just the tip.
Ok that's enough! I like Julia ok? She's passionate.
And she's committed, and she's got the courage of her conviction.
Unlike you! What are you even doing with this woman? Chef! So I talked to the guy, he's gonna come in and kill the rabbits for you since, - you know, it's freaks you out.
- I'm not freaked out.
No he's not freaked out, he's selling out which is actually more shameful.
I am not selling out! I've cooked thousands of animals far cutter than that.
Now where is my rabbit stabbing knife? Hey Jim.
Don't look at me like that.
What I say? Look! You're an entree one way or another.
If it's not gonna be me it's gonna be somebody else right? Right? Come on work with me.
We gotta do this together.
You're gonna go to a nice place.
I'm gonna take you there.
Sorry dude.
Jack Bordaine.
Hey gorgeous.
What are you doing? Nothing.
Hey! I was, I was, I was thinking about you.
Liar! Hey can you get away for a bite? And maybe some lunch.
- Now? - Unless you're doing something.
No, nothing.
Nothing that my uh, that my sous chef can't handle.
Time to die bunny.
If it's any consolation, I'm sure you'll be delicious! Come to think of it you do look a bit like a hamster I had when I was a tot.
Buzums.
I really miss that little guy.
I can't do this to you.
I'm gonna fake a seizure.
No, no.
Jim's having a fake seizure! It always comes down to the patissier.
Your number is up thumper.
What are you doing to that cute little bunny? Petting him.
Because he's so darned adorable.
I'll do it.
What Ramon? No! Thank you! No! So, who was wrong about tofu? The guy who invented tofu! Hey watch it! Sorry, I'm allergic to health! Come on, it's not that bad.
The fact that it was in my mouth that long shows how much I like you.
- Get it-Get that away from me.
- Oh come on! Oh my God! Dude! We didn't see anything.
And you didn't see anything.
Hey Tanya! I saw something.
No you didn't.
Watch your toes.
Now, this is what I'm talking about.
Why do you have to do that? Because if we're going back to your apartment I need energy.
You see now you have sausage breath.
Oh come on.
Come on it's not that bad.
- Come here.
- No it's disgusting! Come here.
Kiss me.
What's gonna happen? Oh my God! - You like that don't you? - It's so good! That's right.
Eat that.
You love it.
- You love the sausage.
- I do! I do love the sausage! Do you want some more little girl? Oh I want some more! Wa-wa-wait! What about the rain forest? Where the hell have you been sweetheart? I was out on lunch with Julia.
Oh, celery sucker.
Not anymore! Now you can call her sausage girl.
Not for that reason! Well not only for that reason.
You turned her? Was there ever any doubt? All hail to the vegan slayer! You the man! So are the rabbits ready to go? What makes you think it was me? Other than that it was a perfect crime.
Well I think it's wrong to kill a living, breathing animal! What about your shoes? But alligators are mean.
This is very serious Tanya.
Now we can't kill the rabbits at all.
And I for one, was really looking forward to killing them.
Yeah me too.
Love slaying rabbits.
I'm very very disappointed in you Tanya.
Thanks a lot Jack.
Now I gotta go comfort her.
Thanks a lot Jack! Can I help you? Sorry Jim.
Not bad.
Thank you.
Good morning bunnies! Oh my God! Bad bunnies! Goodbye bunnies.
I'll take them off your hands.
You're not gonna kill them are you? No, of course not.
I'm gonna take them home to my apartment so they can live with me forever.
Oh that is so great! You know I don't know why Seth called you a cascading bitch.
Sweetheart, that's castrating.
- Now that makes sense.
- Yeah.
Put that over there.
Hey Julia.
I need you here, now.
We're just about to open up.
Can you come over here? - No! - Why not? It's the meat! You poisoned my body! What about all the nice things I've done to it? I'm sorry.
I just - I'm just trying to keep things light.
Let me hold your hair.
Seth, where the hell are the tarts for table 3? I'm working on it, chill.
I will not chill! Table 3 wants those tarts, they want them now.
You've been teasing them with tarts for long enough and they can't stand it anymore! Ok, this is not about tarts.
Listen I feel terrible about this.
I had no idea a little bit of sausage would make you feel this- Is that bacon? I didn't feed you bacon.
No but you fed me the sausage.
Which led to the salami, which led to the bacon! Wait a second, whas is that salami? Yes! And it's your fault! How is that my fault? Because you're the devil! Ok, this has gone too far! - Then give in.
- No you give in! No you give in! Wait! What if we both pay each other? That way honor's served, AND we get to have sex.
Oh that is so damn hot Steven! Ok let's do that, let's do that right here! There 100 dollars exactly.
Oh it's 200 now.
What? Why? Because now I know you'll pay.
Oh! Damn you! Jack I need 15 minutes to run to the ATM.
Are you out of your mind? We just hit the dinner rush.
Yeah, what's your hurry Steven? There's no hurry! What if I can do it in 10? No! Can anyone lend me 100 dollars? Very quickly! But here's the thing, this time I'll pay you back and I'm totally gonna call your sister.
Mimi you look great! Is that a new hairstyle? I need 100 dollars! Yeah! - I do! I'll pay you back.
- That's what you said last time.
No this is important.
- That's what you said last time.
- This is is important.
More important than when your nephew needed 100 dollars worth of Chemotherapy? Yes! Because this one's real! Don't ever touch me.
Ok.
So you broke up with her while she was puking? No no, I held her hair until she was done, and then I broke up.
Because I'm a gentleman.
Well good.
I mean she abandons her principals and then blames you.
That's not the kind of woman you need to be with.
Oh really? What kind of woman do I need to be with? I need 2 short ribs, 1 risotto and 1 rabbit special.
We don't have a rabbit special Cameron.
Sure we do! - Becky did you just-? - No big deal.
Well I just picked him up, and I said "nice rabbit, sweet rabbit", and then Problem Jim? Not anymore.
You're incredible.
Well, sometimes you gotta stop pussyfooting around do what you gotta do.
The truth is, most of us are barely even aware that there's a connection between the animal and the meat on our plate.
The rabbit special.
Enjoy.
Thank you.
It's comforting to pretend that nothing had to die to save our appetites.
But it's also a lie, and you have to admire someone who has the courage to look that part of themselves in the eye and not flinch.
I know I do.
Guess who's got the money! Loser! You know, I've been waiting 10 years to get you in the sack.
And all you had to do was ask.
I don't ask.
I can't do this to you.
I'm gonna fake a seizure.
No, no.
Jim's having a fake seizure.
No, actually that was real.
I really miss that little guy.
- I'll do it.
- What?! Ramon no! Thank you! No!