Kite Man: Hell Yeah! (2024) s01e06 Episode Script

1
Give me another!
All right, I'm cutting you off.
Well, you can't
fucking cut me off
'cause I'm cutting you off.
When you get drunk,
shit gets broke,
and I'm not dealing with that.
Hey, you don't take
your mommy issues out on me.
Get enough of it with
the daddy issues from this one.
Wait, has he called?
I do not have
mommy issues, okay?
Well, babe, you have been
a bit of a Moody Judy
since your mom got here,
and maybe it's because
she's being a bit
of a Frigid Franny.
Oh-- You're cut off too!
It just doesn't make any sense!
I mean,
I saved her from prison.
Would it kill her to say,
"Thank you,"
or, "I love you,"
or I don't know,
"Let me braid your hair
while I tell you
how beautiful you are"?
So she's distant,
boo-fucking-hoo!
I would have given my left nut
to avoid my mom
back in the day.
I thought you lost
your left nut in the war.
I lost my right nut in the war,
so I know what I'm giving up.
Glider, your mom just needs
time to get to know you.
Pretty soon, she'll love you
the way I love you.
I mean, maybe not exactly
the way I love you.
Well, I mean, almost,
but just
it was with less tongue.
And hands.
And penis probably.
Chuck, I get your point!
But I'm tired of waiting
to have a relationship.
She's here now.
Do you know what you need?
A good, old-fashioned
mother-daughter day.
Mother/Daughter Day?
Ooh, great movie.
Just watched it
the other night.
You're my professor
and my biological mother.
Yeah, she is.
That's right,
my daughter/student.
And you need a detention
and a spanking.
Spank me, Mommy!
Honey, don't look!
Why? That's how you learn.
I guess a mother-daughter day
could be nice.
Not like that.
But what do daughters
even do with their moms?
Come on, babe.
I'm sure you have stuff
you always wished you could do
with your mom.
I remember in junior high
I saw this girl Beatrice
at the mall with her mom.
They had
this whole day together
where they got
their ears pierced
and did glamour shots together.
That sounds nice.
I wanted to gouge
Beatrice's eyes out.
Put that bump back
on her Greek nose.
Babe, that sounds like
the perfect
mother-daughter day.
And so you have some space,
I won't be coming.
- Oh, I'll be coming.
- You'll be dead!
And speaking of Mom.
Uh, Chuck.
Chuck, what are you doing?
Trust me. Moms love me.
In high school, I was voted
"Most Non-Threatening."
Lisa, you never told me
you had a little sister.
Ba-bam, ba-boom.
Lovely.
Any chance they come
with a pisco sour?
Yeah.
That's a complicated drink.
- Uh, it takes a while to make.
- Then I'll take two.
Coming right, uh eventually.
Uh, Mom?
- Mom?
- Oh, right. That's me.
I was thinking that maybe
we could spend
the day together.
Yeah, sure. Whatever gets me
out of this shit hole.
Jeez, have they even cleaned
the place in the last 40 years?
Goddamn it, that was loud!
Hey, will everyone please
shut their yappin' holes
and get your sittin' holes
in place
for my brother's funeral?
Hell yeah!♪
What can I say about Joe?
He had enough heart, courage,
and brains for the both of us.
Wrap it up, Dorothy.
Some of us gotta take a piss.
Some of us can hold it in!
Now, as I was saying--
Joe Dubelz,
I don't know
if you're up there, buddy,
but I am here at your funeral
celebrating your accomplishments,
and I sure could use some help
asking the most beautiful woman
in the world on a date.
She's like an angel wrapped
in prosciutto. Like a date.
Ooh, that's a good opener
to ask for a date.
I wish Moe
would shut the fuck up
so I could make
my move on Becca.
The fuck did you just say?
Oh, God, did I just say
that part out loud?
Damn you, internal monologue!
Goddamn it!
I got you a couple more
of those pisco sours
in case you get thirsty.
Technology getting you down?
Ah, it's gotta be hard
adjusting to the modern age
after being in the clinker
for so long.
I'm familiar with technology,
you nitwit!
Rent is way more expensive
than I remember.
And it seems like
it'll be a while
before I can afford
to get out of this dump.
Well, you are more than welcome
to stay with me and Glides
as long as you like,
free of charge,
and maybe one day
you can return the favs
by babysitting
our little kite babies.
Did you knock her up?
What? No.
And you have my word.
I will always use protection
until I put a ring on it.
Ugh. Whatever.
Listen, you seem nice enough,
but I've been around
guys like you before.
You have no money,
no prospects,
and worst of all,
no powers. JBH.
-"JBH"?
- Just being honest.
Look, I'm not saying
you're not right for Lisa.
I'm saying you're not right
for anyone!
- What's going on?
- Nothing.
Chuck and I were just getting
to know each other better.
Weren't we, Chuck?
Chuck?
- Chuck?
- What?
Uh, me? Uh, yes. Uh
I will see myself out.
So, are we getting out
of here or what?
Yeah. You know,
I have some thoughts
on what we could do
for our mother-daughter day.
- Just like the movie!
- Not like the movie!
Oh, right, that.
What did you have in mind?
Oh, nothing crazy specific.
Just--
Did someone leave this detailed
itinerary in the stockroom?
- Not me.
-"11:00 a.m. Get ears pierced.
Ask why she never called."
Oh, you know,
maybe that's, uh
that's probably
that other girl--
"1:30 p.m. Glamour shots."
"Ask if she also
has heavy period flow."
You know, Malice,
I'm sure whoever's that is
wanted it to be private.
And it looks like you circled
where the tears had fallen
while you wrote it.
Okay, I'm just
So, shall we?
Just the two of us all day?
Hey, Malice, you look fun.
Why don't you join us?
On mother-daughter day?
It doesn't have
to be mother-daughter day.
It can be hot girl day!
Right, Malice?
- Oh, I'm sure Malice doesn't want--
- I'll come.
All my rich friends
are ghosting me,
so I'll slum it with you poors.
Besides, I've been meaning
to get my nipples pierced.
Well, actually, we were
getting our ears pierced.
Oh, but nipples sound
so much more fun.
Let's do that.
Ugh!
Giuseppe is the best.
He tailored the suit
my grandfather was buried in.
Still holds up. Okay, Giuseppe,
these are my digging-a-hole-
in-the-desert pants.
So, make sure the stitching
down there is tight.
But not too tight.
That shit needs to breathe.
- Don't want no yeast infection.
- Yeast infection?
She thinks we're making
bagels down there.
You make me laugh so hard
I poke you with the needle!
Ah, you are my best--
How-a 'bout-a
you shut-a the fuck up?
You just killed the best
mob tailor in lower Gotham!
You say that
like I should give a shit.
Listen, doll face, I got a way
of doing business,
and I don't
need you interfering.
Joe would've never
disrespected me like that.
Joe is dead. Get used to it.
You better watch your mouth.
You better watch your head!
It's just I I don't know.
I mean, what
what if Rebecca is right,
you know?
Why why why is Glider
even with me?
I'm just a loser
with no powers.
What about me?
If Becca finds out
that I'm besties
with a pathetic,
no-power loser,
I'll never have a chance.
JBH, Rebecca is way out
of your league.
JBH, Glider is out of yours!
JB-fucking-H.
Will you two knock it off?
Face it, Bane.
It ain't gonna happen
with Rebecca.
Face it? I would rather die!
You're not gonna die.
You're gonna get over it.
How do you get over a broad?
You get under another one.
And you.
You want a power?
Then stop being a pussy
and get one.
Get one? I can't just go
to a store
and be like,
"One power, please."
"One power, please."
"One power"
Hey, this is what
you're going to do.
You go to this address,
tell him you want a power.
Tell him I sent you,
and please,
for the love of God,
don't say, "Please."
Like you just did?
Oh, Glider,
these would look great on you
and really distract
from that hairline.
Oh, you mean
like wearing a headband?
Boom! Right, Mom?
Lisa, they have
your birthstone.
That's, uh, not my birthstone.
And I am not getting
my nipples pierced.
But these would make them
look so much cuter.
Well, Kite Man's
never had any complaints.
Then maybe
your next boyfriend will.
Yeah, everyone knows you pierce
for the boyfriend you want,
not the boyfriend you have.
Wait, what do you mean
my next boyfriend?
Oh, my God. Look at these.
Malice, don't you think
they would look great on me?
Ah! Twinsies!
We have to get them.
You're not twinsies!
If anybody is going
to make a trashy,
life altering decision
with my mom today
that could possibly
get infected,
it is going to be me!
More wine for the lady?
Well, I don't know
about the lady,
but I'll have some more.
Huh?
Oh, I get it!
It was in jest!
I I Yeah,
I'm so surprised you called.
I mean, I haven't heard
from you since Valentine's Day.
I, uh, thought it might
be awkward,
considering that I fucked
your entire apartment building.
Oh, that.
Well, it's only a building.
I'm just glad to hear
there isn't another woman.
Another woman?
Uh-oh, perhaps she knows
about Becca.
Nonsense, Bane. There is no way
she could know the secrets
of your soul
Or your innermost thoughts.
Like how this fried calamari
will tear through my colon
like this woman does
through my heart.
Aw, Bane, that's so sweet.
Damn you, inner monolo
Wait, which part
of that did you hear?
You know, it's not often
that a guy like you
wines and dines a girl like me.
Ah, is it because of all
the dominatrix-ization
that you do?
Yeah, I've never been out
to dinner with a guy
that didn't end with me putting
a cigarette out in his asshole.
But you, you see me
as so much more than that.
I I do?
You're the real deal, Bane.
Huh. Oh. Um, hey!
Etrigan, my favorite poet!
Have we met before?
I don't believe
I've seen you at my store.
Ah, no, but, um
Sean Noonan told me
to tell you that he sent me.
It's about
getting a power, so--
Well, not much I can do.
Exit's to the left.
I bid you adieu.
But Sean
Sean Noonan--
Is behind the times.
This is a subsidiary
of Villigan's now.
Everything's changed,
except my rhymes.
Yeah, your rhymes
are hella dope!
Um, but-- So, you can't
you can't give me a power?
Only the boss
can sell you that, my friend.
Though I hear she only
has the janky stuff,
nothing high-end.
I'll take whatever she has.
I don't need anything
with too much pizazz.
Hey, hey, hey!
Look what I did there.
And I don't even care.
Rhyming is my thing,
you jackass!
You'll never make it through
Helen Villigan's tower.
And even if you do,
I doubt she'll give you power.
Well, I need a power,
so I guess I'll have to give it
the old college try.
So, how much do you think
this is gonna hurt?
Never mind.
Can't be worse than my mom
inviting Malice
on mother-daughter day.
At least my mom and I
are spending
quality time together, right?
Right? Right?
That's the whole frickin' point
of this asswipe of a day.
And if we have to get
matching nipple rings to bond,
then it's worth
a little--
Hey! No badge, no entry, sir.
Okie dokie!
Oh, boy, you guys must be cold.
How about some homemade
mittens for you chilly kittens?
They're real warm
and soft. Thanks.
Hey, hey, hey, hey, guys.
You look a little hangry.
Like I said, Helen Villigan
doesn't see anyone
without an appointment.
Carol,
whether you let me in
to see Helen
or you don't let me in,
the thing I really care
about is,
how are you doing?
The only person who
ever asked me that was my dad.
Rest in peace.
Go on, Kite Man.
She's in there.
And your dad,
he's right up there.
Oh, you
Wow! That was fantast--
Oh, oh, honey.
Don't worry.
Lots of men don't finish
during intercourse.
I can help you if you--
No! I can
'jaculate without you.
It's just I've
done something bad.
Tell me.
I I promise
I won't whip you.
Unless you want me to.
You are too kind.
Uh, you see,
I have given you my body
while my heart belongs
to Becca.
Are you angry?
No, I get it.
I'm never
anyone's first choice.
Except when that
break pad suppliers convention
is in town.
If it makes you feel better,
I am never
anybody's any choice.
What about Becca?
Well, she's not really aware
that my heart belongs to her
or that I exist
as a human being.
You know, Bane,
you deserve better.
You think so?
I think I'm just a girl
who was never
anyone's first choice
straddling a boy
who was never anybody's
any choice,
asking him to choose her.
I love how you quote
the classics. Ow!
Bane, you're crying again.
It's just that you're tugging
on the clamps
you put on me earlier.
Oops.
Oh, Betty!
Mom? Malice? Where'd they go?
To get glamour shots next door.
Right, Mommy?
That's right, sweetheart.
Mother-daughter days
are the best.
Oh, fuck off!
Kite Man.
I'm impressed you made it
through my security.
A smile and a kind word
go a long way.
Wow! So maybe kindness is my--
Power? Oh, God, no.
But you want one. A real one.
That's why you're here.
How did you know that?
Because
I know everything
through your search history.
You searched,
"How to get a power."
Then rephrased
it six different ways.
"Power,"
"How to get free powers,"
"How to download powers."
Then you got distracted reading
the Wikipedia
for Austin Powers.
"Do I make you horny, baby?"
Um no, I'm sorry.
You must think I'm a joke.
I think you're tired
of being the joke.
You want to be a big man
on campus, respected.
Whoa! I have
never felt so seen.
Can you give me that?
How about right now?
I'm Helen Fucking Villigan
for God's sake.
But everything has a price.
Well, how much?
Please put away
your dinosaur wallet.
It's not about the money.
It's something
far more valuable.
The essence of you
Kite Man.
My kite? You want my kite?
But my my kite is who I am.
Isn't that what you want
to change?
Do you want to be
the boy you are now
or the man you could become?
Huh.
Sandy
may I have this dance?
- Uh, no.
- Oh. Uh
I mean, hell yeah.
Hm.
Saying goodbye to you
is the hardest thing
I have ever had to do,
my little buddy.
But as much as I love you
I love Glider more.
All right, then.
Sign here, here, and here.
Goodbye, Kite Man.
Ugh! I planned
this whole day for us,
and it feels like you don't
even want to be around me!
Maybe it's because she doesn't
want to be around you.
That is not true!
- Is that true?
- Ugh!
Listen, I just got out
of the freaking pit,
and I don't want to play mommy
to some grown-ass kid.
You don't have to play mommy,
you are my fucking mommy!
And I don't wanna be.
Which is exactly
why I left the first time.
Wait, you left us?
Is this why I don't have
any memories of you?
Well, you'd just killed
your father.
I wasn't gonna stick around
for you to liquefy me.
I upended my life
to rescue you.
I never I asked you to,
just like I never asked
to have a child
who can liquefy people
when she's throwing a tantrum.
That wasn't my fault.
I never wanted these powers!
I guess we both got things
we didn't want.
And then she just stabs him
without even asking me.
I don't need your permission.
What are you,
the stabbing police?
If I was,
I'd put your ass in jail.
Well, how about I put your ass
through this table?
Fuck you.
Bull's eye!
And another one!
That's enough.
Take it outside.
Well, thank God that's over.
No, nope, not over.
It's not over.
You are a sorry excuse
for a head!
You're a sorry excuse
for a body!
I hate you!
Oh, goddamn.
Are you as turned on as I am?
I think you can feel
the answer.
I haven't seen
this movie before.
Ugh, mother-daughter day
would have been
a hell of a lot better
if it was just me and Malice.
That doesn't make sense!
You know what?
Maybe I don't need a mom.
I have Chuck,
and Chuck is enough.
Oh, please! Enough with
this Kite Boy already.
- He's Kite Man.
- Whatever.
I need to take a dump
because somebody wanted
to eat at Hardee's.
The bathroom's in the
You know what, actually,
use the one
at the end of the hall.
The one with all this
"do not use" tape on it?
Oh, we put that on there
so no one uses it
and it's clean
for guests like you.
Good,
then I don't have to look
at any of Kite Boy's pubes.
You know what, first of all,
Chuck doesn't have pubes.
He's as hairless as a dolphin.
Even more important,
he is kind.
He knows who he is,
and he is a better person
than you'll ever be.
My kite!
"Oh, my kite! My kite!"
Stupid baby.
Only babies have kites.
Wait, aren't you Kite Man?
Kite Man's dead.
They call me
Beast Mode!
Pew, pew, pew!
Where I go, you cannot follow
'cause you gotta be
21 or older.
- What up, fuckers?
- "BM"?
Hey, guys,
a bowel movement just entered.
That's what your mom
said last night.
Now, less talk-y, more pour-y.
Hold on a second.
You got a power?
More like a power got me.
Oh, my God,
you got the douche power.
And this is
a douche-free establishment.
Fellas, get him outta here.
Okay, Cash. Let's Tango.
Whuppah!
Whuppah!
Whu-bam!
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
Why are you hitting yourself?
Fuck you.
Suck it! Boom!
What is going on?
Chuck. Is that
Maybe we should talk upstairs?
Someone's anxious
to get me in bed.
What the hell
is wrong with you?
I think what you mean is,
what the hell is right with me.
And what's right is
that I got a power
that is cooler than yours.
Oh, yeah.
Ugh, I can't believe
you did this.
Just look at you!
Yeah. Look at that.
You're welcome.
But you're being
such an ungrateful B
that I might just re-gift
myself to someone else.
Please. Do me the favor
of re-gifting
whatever this is
to someone else.
I don't want it.
Yeah. Okay.
And you think you're gonna
find someone to love you?
You can't even get
your own mother to love you.
Get out.
I'm not getting out.
You get out.
I am not going
to ask you again.
Oh, or what?
You're gonna go into
your fugue state and kill me?
Oh, please.
I am warning you!
Take your shit and leave!
Yeah, okay, fine.
See you again, never!
I don't even want to be
in this place,
'cause you know why?
This place is too small
for my giant dick.
Bip, bap, boom.
Hey.
Hey, nerd. Whuppah!
My lunch money!
Boss, are you sure
he's the right guy for the job?
He's kind of a douche.
He's absolutely perfect.
Help me here guys to keeping doing
Hell yeah! ♪