Koala Man (2023) s01e06 Episode Script

DAZ: G'day Australia,
and welcome to the 256th
Handball Olympics, the Handies!
Where elite athletes
from all across Australia
get together to play handball!
SUGAR DAVE: That's right, Daz.
While other countries consider
handball a schoolyard sport,
here it's a cultural institution!
All of Australia is excited to watch
our best teenage athletes
smack their balls around.
- [both laugh]
- Heh-heh! You said it, Sugar Dave.
Teens love a good Handie!
And of course, this year,
Dapto is giving out the Handies.
- Even though Dapto has the longest
losing streak in Handies history.
Fuckin' losers.
Carn! You Dapto!
Mom, you're acting like a bogan!
- What's the point?
Our team never wins anyway.
You must have faith, young Liam!
Yes, we're humiliated
year after fruitless year,
and yes, maybe the other towns
have taken to calling us Dap-Toilet
Let's all take a shit ♪
On Dap toilet ♪
- But remember:
the underdog always has his day!
Eventually.
- Oh, bullshit!
It's been decades since Dapto won!
This town is cursed, I tell you!
Cursed!
- I just want to see us win once
before I die
[gags]
- But this year,
we actually have a good team!
If we win, Dapto will finally not be
a dead-end town for losers.
I need this-- I mean, Dapto needs this!
fanfare plays ♪
Look! Here they come!
DAZ: There's Team Dapto,
looking far more competent than usual.
Could this be the squad
that turns things around?
- Sarah Sportsday.
Second most powerful girl in school.
Beautiful and athletic.
How am I ever going to pass her?
- Aw, I think you're perfect
the way you are, sweetheart.
But Daddy can fix it.
Here, I got you a special lolly.
Dad! I don't care about lollies!
I care about power and being a hot bitch.
- Didn't know
you could grow out of lollies.
fanfare playing ♪
This is going to be our year, Dapto!
[crowd gasps]
DAZ:
And it seems like the Dapto team
has incinerated itself.
I told you this town was shit.
[burps]
theme song playing ♪
Koala Kode 460:
Don't trust clowns.
Especially the clowns in parliament.
Yeah, that was a political one.
[crowd clamoring]
[indistinct chatter]
- Settle, settle.
I know everyone is upset.
- We just have so little
to root for here, Big Greg.
We're the laughingstock of Australia!
- I bet my fuckin' Mongoose BMX that Dapto
would win, you fuckin' dickhead!
And someone stole my Mongoose bike!
This is the worst day ever!
[laughs] You're goddamn right it is!
MAN: Huge Greg!
WOMAN: That's Big Greg's brother!
MAN:
He moved to Sydney and became a star!
H.G., this is a "Dapto only" meeting.
HG: As all of you know,
between rooting supermodels
and my televisual work,
I coach the Sydney handball team!
Meet the Bigsmoke Twins.
Greatest handball players in the world.
We were looking forward to humiliating
each and every one of you Daptonians.
But your team went up in smoke.
Ha-ha, they died.
- [crowd gasping]
- Wait! I have something to say.
[attendees booing]
Oh, boo all you like.
I am immune to your jeers
for my heart is pure.
And clearly none of you have consulted
the official Handies rule book.
"In the case of a sudden
and improbable team death,
the city shall have
24 hours to field a new team."
But where are we gonna get a new team?
I shall coach a new team.
- Don't be ridiculous.
I'm obviously going to coach the team.
- Oh, is Little Greg going
to coach the team
in the little town he stayed in
because he couldn't make it
in the big city?
- Shut up!
- Pfft! Did your voice just crack?
Big Greg?
More like the biggest cum rag in Fap-to.
[Big Greg sobbing]
Heh heh heh!
See you tossers on the field.
- So I guess that settles it.
I'm coaching the team.
[crowd boos]
- Kevin, are you sure you're up
to coaching the team?
- I'm the only one who can, Vicky.
I have to stand up for Dapto.
For our children.
Especially Alison.
Sometimes I get the feeling
she doesn't like me anymore.
- Aw, Kevin. She loves you.
Alison's just growing up.
Oh, I get it now. Yes, menstruation.
Yes, the female period. I get it now.
Well yes but it's more than that.
She's going through a lot
of changes right now
and you need to accept those changes
no matter how scary they are.
Maybe you should try
spending some quality time with her.
[sighs] You're right.
After the Handies,
if I'm not too busy eradicating evil,
maybe we can
go to the playground or something.
I don't know what she likes to do.
cow bell jangling ♪
- It's so unfair!
[sobbing] Why?
She was the only good athlete
in this entire school!
This is bullshit.
Sarah Sportsday is more popular
in death than she was in life!
This is Miss Sausage Roll all over again.
- mic feedback ♪
- Attention, students.
As you know, I am the self-appointed coach
of the new Dapto handball team.
I've written this rousing sports anthem
to invigorate your adolescent spirits
and inspire you to try out!
Oh, my God.
Teamwork and fair play ♪
Yeah yeah yeah ♪
G'day, g'day-- ♪
Hang on. Hang on a sec.
This bloody G string.
Always going out of tune
Just a minute.
Why don't you go home, ya pedo?!
Uggh!
Hey, that was
Pretty good.
- The trials are over
before they've begun!
Alison and Liam Williams, I choose you!
I don't know who you are, of course,
you're just some kids I've just met,
but you're very skilled,
so yep, you're the ones.
[softly]
How's that for some quality time?
- Goody!
- Wait a minute.
No way! Are you out of your mind?
- It's good-- It's good of you to--
It's good of you
It's good of you to do this, Alison.
For Sarah.
[cheering]
WOMEN: Do it, Alison!
Yeah, go, Alison!
For Sarah.
DAZ: And welcome back
to the Handball Olympics,
as Adelaide faces off against
humiliated hosts Dapto,
who have a brand-new
and somewhat mediocre-looking team!
- And it's pretty hard to look
mediocre against Adelaide!
- [laughing]
- My dad's from Adelaide.
- Aw, sorry.
- Nah, just be careful what you say.
Alison! Liam! Inspiration!
Stop shouting "Inspiration!"
Please stop fighting!
SUGAR DAVE:
And there it is, Adelaide wins!
[Alison snarls]
- She's just going through changes.
Shedding her uterine lining and all that.
Aw, dammit!
- Bloody hell, Vicky.
I didn't know you were such a sports fan.
- [sighs] I'm not normally,
but that's my team! And my kids.
They're getting humiliated.
Maybe this town really is cursed.
Well, yeah, Dapto is cursed.
Literally. It's actually cursed.
What are you talking about?
- You don't know the legend
of the Dapto Sick Sunnies?
A long time ago
or some shit
the earth was a sea of rock and fire.
Deep in the subterranean bowels,
pitiful beasts harvested
rare metals for their mighty masters,
the Gods of Dapto.
From the sacred steel, they forged
a luck charm of unrivaled power.
The Sick Sunnies of Dapto.
Sick!
- They say the Sick Sunnies gave Dapto
good luck for hundreds of years.
Sadly, some cunt broke them
when he sat on them in his car.
And Dapto's been cursed ever since.
Haven't you ever wondered
why things are so shit here?
So we're all screwed? Forever?
- Maybe I should just hit up
the Gods of Dapto for another pair.
You know the Gods of Dapto?!
Aw, shit, yeah.
Used to rage with them back in the '90s.
They still hang out at the top
of Mt. Kiera as far as I know.
DAZ: And the Dapto team
is falling apart at the seams.
SUGAR DAVE: Aw, gee whiz, looks like
nobody can end Dapto's losing streak!
I can.
Janine, let's go get those sunnies!
Why did I agree to do this?
I thought it'd be easier to coast off
Sarah Sportsday getting barbecued,
but we got destroyed.
- We did our best, and I love
that we're wearing matching outfits.
Liam, you don't understand.
If we don't win it all,
everything I've worked for
to become the most powerful girl
at school will be ruined.
If only Dad wasn't such a weak coach.
Who wants orange slices?!
I suspect the natural power of vitamin C
might be just what you two need.
- Caught your match
out there, mate. Brutal.
The kids are shit,
and you're even shitter.
One more loss,
and you're out of the tournament.
- I'd like to not-so-kindly ask you
to leave our locker room, Huge Greg.
- Look, mate.
- No, you look, mate!
- No, you look, mate!
- No, no, no.
You look, mate!
No, you look, mate!
[tray clatters]
See that, kids?
That's how you pwn a manlet. [laughing]
- Joke's on you,
I have many more oranges I can cut!
Liam, you still blindly
worship me, don't you?
- Of course, Dad.
- Good, good.
If only your sister felt the same way
We need to talk.
Huge Greg?
No, just regular Big Greg.
- [snorts] What do you want,
little bitch Greg?
- Listen, girlie,
you want to win, don't you?
We both know Koala Man's shithouse.
- Yeah, all he can do is give us
orange slices
and go on about their natural power.
What you need is unnatural power.
ominous music playing ♪
- [crowd cheering]
- Let's go, Dapto! ♪
Remember, a moral victory
is almost as good as a real one.
- No matter what happens,
I'm proud to be your partner, Alison!
[snarling]
Out of the way, human!
- Whoa!
[snarling]
Carn, Dapto!
A tremendous serve by Alison Williams!
Could it be that Dapto
has found their second wind?
I honestly have no idea.
I'm so fucking drunk right now.
It's working! The vitamin C!
You got this, Alison!
[snarling]
Uh, Alison? What did you do?
- [Alison snarling]
- Well done, Alison!
[snarls]
These changes happen so fast.
Babies, to girls, to women.
[Vicky straining]
This is the realm of the gods?
[distant dogs barking]
- They've cleaned it up a bit.
Let me introduce you!
That's the God of Fire,
the God of Good Health,
and there's the God
of Popping Down the Shops.
Youse need anything from the shops?
JANINE: And there's God
of Always Has a Guitar at a Party.
This one's about the prime minister.
Fuck the prime minister ♪
He's a cunt ♪
They're all top blokes.
Oh! There's the God
of Fancy Seeing You Here!
Neenie! Fancy seeing you here!
- Hey, Janine, do a buckety
for old times' sake!!!
Oh. What are you the god of?
I'm the God of Just Fuckin' Do It!
I don't give a fuck! Ugggh!
Oh, yeah? Why not?
Janine, don't go too hard.
We have to get those sunnies,
or Dapto's got no chance.
- Relax, Vick,
I'm legendary at handling me shit.
Buckety Neen! ♪
ALL: Buckety Neen! ♪
Buckety Neen! ♪
- [cheering]
- Yeah-eah!
- Oh, Nina!
- Unbelievable!
Fuuuuuuuuuuck! [echoing]
I'm trapped in a thought loop.
Dad, I need to tell you something.
I'm sorry, Liam. No time to chat.
The finals start any minute,
and since healthy fruits
have been putting pep in your step,
I'm making you both smoothies!
It's about Alison.
Haven't you noticed anything strange?
Strange?
Ah, Liam,
I think I know what you're getting at.
Yes, it is "strange," but it is also
a perfectly natural part of life.
Girls mature faster than boys.
Even though she's your twin,
you're feeling left behind.
Oh uh
I was talking about the fact
she's a dingo now.
[snarling]
- Ah. I admit that she's
been acting a little feral of late.
But your mother said I have to accept
the changes she's going through.
- Dad, I think Alison has been using
performance-enhancing drugs.
Such an accusation! You have any proof?
[gasps] Those aren't tampons at all!
[hands clapping slowly]
- Congratulations, Liam.
You figured it out.
Big Greg, is this true?
This is this is un-Australian!
- [chuckles]
You know nothing, Koala Man.
Australia's been dabbling
in human-animal hybrids for years.
You see, back in 2000,
Australia was hosting the Olympics,
and we needed an edge.
Huge Greg and I worked
for Australia's secret
performance-enhancing gene program.
We caught the finest
animal specimens we could find.
We spliced the animal DNA
into human athletes,
creating hybrid super-sportspeople.
Nonsense!
That was the year Ian Thorpe
won three gold medals.
And he won them fair and square!
Are you sure about that?
KOALA MAN:
Yeah, that's our Thorpedo.
Look at him go.
Look closer, Koala Man.
My God.
Ian Thorpe was a shark the whole time?!
It was the perfect plan.
But everything changed
one day when me and H.G.
caught the most beautiful fish
we had ever seen.
Her name was Tanya,
and I fell madly in love with her.
I couldn't let them experiment on her,
so we planned to run away together
and start a flower shop in Tasmania.
But H.G. caught us in the act
of physical love.
He completely lost his shit from jealousy
and called me all sorts of names:
sea-dick, aquarium-man, fish-fingerer.
We had a massive punch-up
and the whole lab exploded
[explosion]
I lost Tanya to the fire.
I swore I would never
use the manimal ooze again,
but Alison was game
and I must have my revenge!
This is not on, Big Greg, not on!
We can't let Huge Greg win!
I can turn Alison back after.
- Forget it. I'm going to forfeit
the match right now.
And then you'll turn her back
or so help me
[snarls]
[Liam gasps]
[coughing]
Who am I kidding?
I can't save Dapto.
Oh, hi. Rough night?
Is it that obvious?
- Here, have a glass of Merlot,
and just tell me what's on your mind.
- Oh, thanks, but I'm not going
to pour my heart out to a stranger.
- Oh, come on, it's not a real party
without a deep and meaningful convo.
- So, who are you,
the God of Cheese Platters? [giggles]
[laughs] Actually, I'm the God
of Realizing Your Potential.
But enough about me.
Tell me about you.
- Oh! No one's asked me
about me in years
Well, where to begin?
Umpire! I have an announcement!
Koala Man! Don't do it!
Well, well, well!
Didn't think you Daptonians had it in ya.
Huge Greg, please.
I've only just been made aware
of the situation,
and I'm taking steps to--
Relax, Koala Cock.
I'm not gonna rat you out.
I salute you, baby brother.
I thought all the fight had gone out.
Maybe if you'd shown
some of this spunk earlier,
you'd still have Tanya.
- Take her beautiful name
out of your disgusting mouth,
you son of a bitch!
- Since you thought
you could get tricky with me,
I thought I'd give you a taste
of your own medicine.
Did you really think you were the only one
to escape the lab with the manimal ooze?
DAZ: And moving on to center court,
we have the reigning champions
from Sydney
The Bigsmoke Twins!
[thunder crashes]
[crashing]
[feet pounding]
Uh they don't look like twins to me.
Let's play handball!
[screeching]
[creatures snarling]
[roaring, snarling]
Come on, Koala Man. Let's juice Liam up.
Turn him into a croc or something!
- No! You've gone too far, Big Greg.
Turn Alison back.
- I'm sorry, Koala Man. I was lying.
The antidote was lost in the fire.
She's gonna be a dingo forever.
- Right. Then I'll just have to have
a chat with her myself.
[snarling]
Let her go, son.
Alison, it's me your dad.
[barks]
Look, I know I got you wrapped up
in this handball stuff,
but I just wanted to share
some quality time with you.
[snarls]
- I thought winning the Handies
would bring us together.
But I can see now that you're growing up.
You're changing.
Yesterday, you were lollies and dollies,
today you're a dingo.
It all goes by so fast.
I know it's not easy
having me as a father,
but I can tell you this much:
there's no one
I'd rather have for a daughter.
So if you have to rip
my throat out, so be it.
[roars]
SUGAR DAVE: Correct me if I'm wrong,
Daz, but it seems Dingo-Alison
has turned human again
thanks to the power of a hug.
- Indeed she has, though that
touching hug was with her coach,
so we will be forced to file a grievance
with the handball authorities
and investigate this further.
Dad I didn't know you felt that way.
Sorry if I give you a hard time
for being kind of crazy or whatever.
- That's okay, dear.
That's what dads are for.
- Enough talk! Your choices are:
you play and we kill you, or you forfeit.
Either way, a huge win for Huge Greg!
I don't think so, Huge Greg.
Let's play.
We're going to win the game, Koala Man!
Using fair play and skill!
- No! I can't allow this.
You'll be eaten alive!
[roaring]
- Then I guess my first Handies
will be my last.
- I don't know why I wanted Dapto
to win so badly.
I guess, if I'm being honest,
when your team brings in a win,
well, it feels like a win for you too.
And I haven't had very many of those
in the last few years.
But maybe it doesn't matter
anyway since Dapto is cursed.
Vicky, we all feel cursed sometimes.
But the "curse" is so often a metaphor
for reckoning honestly with our own
disappointments.
But we have the power to break the cycle.
We just have to be brave enough to try.
- I'm trying to be brave.
That's why I came here.
But I feel so stuck in my life.
Maybe maybe it's too late.
Darling, it's never too late.
A beautiful woman like you
has plenty of options.
romantic music rising ♪
No. I shouldn't.
You're wonderful, but
I can't do that to Kevin.
Go to him, Vicky.
But promise me something:
you'll realize your potential.
And, if it doesn't work out with Kevin,
I'm just a mountain climb away.
I'll never forget you.
Ahhh. Fuckin' sun.
Sick.
- Oi, you!
Where'd you get those sunglasses?
- I dunno, we got them made
for our New Year's party.
- Can I please have them?
I'm on a quest of town significance.
Piss off, these are mine.
There's a box of them over there, though.
[gasps] A whole box?!
[creatures snarling]
[crowd cheering]
- This is it. This is the moment
we've been waiting for.
The next point wins
- How are they doing this?
Just eat them already!
- [octopus snarling]
- No, no, no, no, no! Oh, my God!
Wait! This is not a legitimate strategy!
- Eat him too!
[octopus snarls]
DAZ: Good gracious, it seems
Dapto has finally run out of luck!
[roaring]
SUGAR DAVE:
Only a miracle could save them now!
VICKY: Wait!
[thunder crashing]
[crowd groans]
[roaring]
Sick Sunnies for everyone!
Sick!
BOTH: Sick!
ALL: Sick!
Sick!
[shrieking]
No! My manimals!
SUGAR DAVE:
Oh, I don't bloody believe it!
Dapto wins!
The curse is lifted or some shit.
Sick.
- Well, well, well,
who's the biggest cum rag now?
It's you!
- You're still the number one Greg
to me, baby.
And you're huge all over.
- Tanya? It can't be.
I thought you were dead!
She is
drop-dead sexy.
[slobbering]
Aw, yeah
Mmm, mmm
Tanya! Why?
I never loved you, Big Greg.
I was just using you
to make Huge Greg jealous.
I faked my death that night
so I wouldn't have to break up with you.
- [babies whining]
- G'day, little champions.
Ciao for now, suck-hole.
And don't feel bad about Tanya.
You know what they say,
there are plenty of fish in the sea.
Heh-heh-heh.
Not for me.
fanfare playing ♪
- I'm so glad Dad's love turned you
human again, Alison.
Ew, no.
I turned back because I knew
I'd be even more popular
if I overcame the adversity
of being a dingo.
Noooo.
You love Daaaad ♪
Shut up!
- [sighs] I guess I didn't have
what it took to be a great coach.
- But you did have what it took
to be a pretty good dad, though.
How was your trip to Mt. Kiera?
Oh, it turns out I have options.
Oh. Well, that's nice.
You know, Vicky, I think things
are really turning around in Dapto.
I've got a good feeling about the future.
[softly] And now I have the DNA ooze.
The Kookaburra!
[laughing hysterically]
theme song playing ♪
fanfare playing ♪