LA to Vegas (2018) s01e06 Episode Script
#PilotFight
1 - Ok.
How about here? - No.
- And this one? - Uh-uh.
- And this Oh, yep.
Okay.
- [SHOUTS.]
Yeah.
You have a serious abscess on tooth number 18.
How long has it been since you last saw the dentist? - Um four.
- Months? Years? It's hard to find the time.
My job schedule is so unpredictable.
But my tooth has been killing me lately, so my friend referred me here.
Really? Your friend referred you here? Well, she said you have great lollipops.
You are in luck.
You've got the best dentist in our practice.
He's brilliant and gentle and handsome.
God, what I would give to have him in my mouth.
Oh weird.
That looks like a young Ronnie! Nope.
PILOT [OVER P.
A.
.]
: Jackpot Airlines.
Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.
[SLOT MACHINE CHIMING.]
- [ALL LAUGHING.]
- Cheers! It's Ronnie! What happened the other day? Why did you run out on me? I'm sorry, Artem.
I was in shock.
I had no idea that when you're not gambling, you're a dentist.
I just assumed you were a guy who sold weird fruit out the back of a tire store.
I'm sorry.
Uh, did you say Artem is a dentist? Yeah, pediatric dentist.
Here's my card.
Oh, the doll's head is there so you remember I'm good with kids.
Well, this will be hard to ever, ever forget.
So when are you gonna reschedule? No need.
It's all fixed now.
Laughter and prayer.
It turns out, that's all you need.
Well, that's good it's better, because if you still had that abscess, flying now would be excruciating.
Uh okay.
E-Excruciating how? I'm asking for a friend.
At higher altitudes, trapped air in tooth expands against the nerve, causing unbearable pain.
And I don't know why I'm telling you.
- I should be telling this to your friend.
- [LAUGHS.]
Are you this friend? Damn it, you're fast.
I was captain of my high school hand-slap team.
No big deal.
No, Alan, that is a big deal.
I'm tired of you selling yourself short.
Hey.
I had an idea.
This flight, why don't we keep our altitude, say, below 10,000 feet? Sorry, Ronnie.
I don't tell this old girl how high to fly.
She tells me.
That's not how it works at all.
Alan, what did Dr.
Becker say about contradicting me in front of other people? It's like, why do we go to therapy if you're not even gonna try? Beverage? Hello, Bernard.
[GASPS.]
Captain Steve.
- Ow! - [PASSENGERS GASPING.]
Ah, what is your face made of? No, it's just "Steve" now, ever since I got suspended for punching Captain Dave.
I lost everything that day.
My wife, my Miata, my mustache.
I didn't deserve it anymore, so I shaved it off and buried it in the backyard.
Next to my dad.
Oh, I'm sorry for your losses.
So what are you doing here? I'm going to Jackpot HQ to meet with the review board about getting reinstated so I can get the life back that you all took from me.
Well, we know you have a choice of airlines when traveling to this or that disciplinary hearing, so we thank you for choosing Jackpot.
[CAMERA CLICKS.]
Hey, that's weird.
Uh, what are you doing? Uh I-I'm scanning my tooth on the WebMD app.
You're supposed to get an instant diagnosis.
And my tooth has Lou Gehrig's disease.
Would it not be easier just to go to the dentist every six months? What am I, the Queen of England? Every time I try to do something for myself, something comes up.
Like, I have to work an extra turn or cover for a sick flight attendant.
Nichole gets it.
We're both active professionals on the go.
We don't have time for the dentist.
Oh, no.
I go to the dentist every three months.
Teeth are very important to strippers.
It's the first thing customers notice.
No.
Breasts.
It's breasts.
Ronnie, we have a problem.
Captain Steve is on the flight, and he's very bitter.
And not adorably bitter like a late-in-life Lena Horne.
Scary bitter like a late-in-life Bette Davis.
Love a reference from this century once in a while.
Hamilton.
This is not good.
The last time Captain Steve and Captain Dave were on a flight together, it did not end well.
We can't let them anywhere near each other.
"We"? I've already done my part.
I identified the problem, deflected it with a withering bon mot, then kicked it over to you.
O-Okay, just don't let Dave anywhere near the cabin.
I'll try, but Oh, I'm sorry.
This just feels so good right now.
Hey there, passengers.
If you find yourself in Vegas on a Friday night, why not celebrate the Sabbath the way Captain Dave does? Praying the night away at Temple Beth Vegas, where you'll find the best all-you-can-eat Oneg, and the loosest slots this side of Haifa.
I'm gonna go do my rounds.
Kiss some hands and shake some babies.
Oh, hey, Bernie.
Hey.
What? Can I, uh get through? Um you know what I just realized? You never told me what it was like going vegan.
Oh, I am so glad you asked.
You see, Bern, if you stretch the human digestive tract and lay it next to that of a true omnivore, like a grizzly bear, there's only one conclusion: we're herbivores, my friend.
Can I get through? Sorry, we're going to be doing beverage service indefinitely.
Why don't you sit down and go back to your Doobie Brothers, or whatever? Doobie Brothers? Please.
This Discman only plays Seger.
Mainly 'cause it's been stuck closed since 2004.
GORDON: Excuse me, miss.
Could I get a diet soda? Uh-huh.
[SIGHS.]
This is all foam.
[SIGHS.]
[MOANS.]
Okay, you know what? Why don't you just take the can? Beverage service today is if you're thirsty.
We should have talked about that at the airport and that is something.
Of course after 8 days of no erections I realized I needed some So, I came back in the stake.
And now, I Ah! Oh no! We have a Ronnie down! Make way, I'm a captain.
Make way, I'm a captain.
Captain Steve.
Captain Dave.
I'm okay.
Oh, crap.
What the hell are you doing on my plane? It's not your plane.
Your name isn't Dave Jackpot.
It is on several dating websites.
You don't know.
I know you ruined me the moment you ran your weird face into my fist.
You're lucky that was a sucker punch.
If it had been a real fight, I would've given you a one-way ticket to Pain Island.
Population: you.
I'm standing right here.
Now's your chance.
No, I'm on duty.
Unlike some people, I don't fight my passengers.
That's fine.
I can wait till we land.
How long's your turnaround? - An hour.
- Perfect.
Gives me a half hour to warm up, ten minutes to kick your ass and 20 minutes to high-five all my fans.
That is, of course, unless you're scared.
The only thing I'm scared of is your naked under-nose.
Have some respect, and cover that thing up.
- It's on.
- Oh, it's on.
Lost luggage room, 3:00 p.
m.
Barring any weather delays.
Oh, of course.
- What's the wind shear at today? - About 20 knots.
That's not so bad.
We could maybe push it to 2:50.
The way I fly, make it 2:45.
[QUIETLY.]
: This is so dumb.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
Oh, no, this is worse than I suspected.
Your mouth looks exactly how other people are sure my mouth looks.
Artem, you have to help me.
I cannot take another flight like this, and my turn is in an hour.
Is there anything you can do? Ronnie always help Artem on the plane, so it would be an honor to help you here on the ground.
Ronnie.
What are you gonna do about this Steve-Dave thing? We can't actually let them fight.
I have my own problems, Bernard.
I have to get this tooth fixed before our next flight.
I don't have time to worry about what those two dummies are doing.
Forget them.
I'm the dummy I'm worried about.
This fight could delay our turn back to L.
A.
And I have a date at Musso & Frank's with a married Swede I met in a chat room.
I'm sorry, but I cannot always be fixing everybody else's stuff.
If you want to stop the fight, be my guest and stop the fight.
Let's go, Artem.
No, o-oh, just a moment, I have to give Nichole my secret recipe for queso.
'Kay, so, there's gonna be a lot of action on this pilot fight.
# PilotFight.
I have no time for bets, but as my protégé, you are in charge.
Artem, I'm so honored.
Wait.
We're gonna be splitting that money 50-50, right? Because I'm gonna need cash if I'm gonna start buying freshwater lakes.
It's what the wars of the future will be fought over.
Of course.
We're equal partners.
Hey, I have a strong feeling that Captain Dave will win this fight.
He has this sad rage in him.
That means you have to encourage hefty bets on Captain Steve.
You can count on me.
- I know I can.
- [GIGGLES.]
That's why the little black book is yours.
Wow.
Steffi Graf, Angela Merkel, Sade? I'm sorry, that's the wrong little black book.
Here.
Oh.
[EXHALES.]
BERNARD: Dave? - You and I need to talk.
- We do.
Which of these do you like? I'm looking for something intimidating that breathes, and doesn't skimp on style.
You don't have to do this.
You're the guy who's still flying.
You already won.
And I'll be the real winner when I'm sharing a shrimp cocktail with my Swedish orthopedist Bjorn.
The "J" is silent.
Just like his love for me.
Look, I have to fight Steve.
My honor is at stake here.
Like when I was a teenager, my dad was gonna buy that ski resort to turn into condos, until a scrappy ski instructor beat me in that race down Devil's Backbone.
So you were the villain in an '80s ski movie? No, I was the good guy.
Those condos would've been state-of-the-art.
Look, everyone that works in this airport knows that Steve challenged me.
If I back out now, I'll lose their respect and maybe never get it back.
I can't let them see me as a coward.
Colin, will you please talk some sense and tell Dave this fight won't solve anything? Well, actually, it may solve quite a lot.
As a university-trained boxer, I believe that physical confrontation is an effective and downright zesty means of conflict resolution.
You know, I have some time before I pick my son up from school.
Maybe we could train together? I'll show you some tips.
Let's do it then.
Donna, put this on my tab.
And here you stand, Bernard, forsaken and alone.
Like a young Hedy Lamarr's Joan of Arc.
With no around to tell you they don't get that reference.
All right, we don't have time to go to a real dentist's office, so hopefully this place will have to work.
Oh, this is like a little airport hospital.
Is this where sick airplanes go? This is the Vegas airport medical office.
It's mainly used for hangovers, stripper-heel ankle sprains, and people still tripping from last night's EDM show.
I need to lick something or else I'll die.
I just don't know if they have any dentist stuff here.
Don't worry, I got my own dental emergency kit.
I have some fun pokey things, and some fun scrape-y things Whatever.
Just use all of it.
You have half an hour, so start scraping and start poking.
Okay, listen, one important question before we start.
Which tablet would you like to use for cartoons? The panda or penguin? Artem, I'm not a child.
Penguin.
Good choice.
Okay, David, we are gonna start with a simple combination.
Jab, cross, then you slip when I counter.
Ow.
That's not cool.
That's okay.
We'll go again.
Remember to dodge when I counter.
- You don't have to tell me twice.
- Okay.
Try again.
Why don't you use your martial arts training for this fight? Oh, I would never.
Muay Thai is a sacred discipline whose purpose is the enrichment of the soul.
And besides, they moved my book club to Tuesday nights, so I had to make some hard choices.
Yeah, schedules can be difficult.
That's fine, we'll go again.
Okay.
Jab, cross, slip.
Just slip means get out of the way.
So, again, that's jab, cross, get out of the way.
Damn it.
This would be easier if I knew which hand you were punching with.
Just tell me, right or left, and then I'll move.
Steve's not gonna announce which hand he's gonna punch you with.
He will, if we make it a rule.
Like in pool.
You call the pocket first.
Eight ball, corner pocket.
Same thing: left hand, your face.
Oh, God this is gonna be harder than I thought.
- Oh.
- Come on, man, I was wiping my brow.
Then do my rule call out "left hand, wiping brow.
" Wait, so Captain Steve and Captain Dave are gonna fight? Oh, yeah.
We're calling it "PILOT PUMMEL I: The Rematch.
" Ten to one Dave wins in a knockout.
Are you in? Hell yeah.
With those odds, put me down for $50 on Steve.
Just $50? Come on.
If you put in $250, I'll make one of those whisper videos where I talk real quiet while I fold a napkin.
- Deal.
- [CHUCKLES.]
$250 on Steve.
$100 on Steve.
$500 on Steve.
[SPEAKING GERMAN.]
: $1,500 on Steve and Dave falling in love? I'm a romantic.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Steve, listen Happy birthday, Mr.
President.
Listen, you, I'm calling off this fight.
Stay out of this, Bernard.
Say my name again.
No! This is crazy.
You are two grown men.
You shouldn't be settling your differences in a lost luggage room in the middle of the day.
You're not fighting.
Now, say my name again.
This is happening.
There's nothing you can do to stop it.
You just got caught up in the moment.
Take a step back and think about this.
Think about this? Please.
That's all I've thought about for months.
I'm not meeting with the Jackpot Review Board.
The only reason I was on that plane was to get Dave to fight me.
I've spent every day since that flight waiting, watching, training.
White lightning.
That's right, Bernard.
This isn't gonna be a fight.
It's gonna be a massacre.
Ok Ronnie.
So I've cemented the temporary cap to your molar.
I want you to bite down on this cotton roll until the cement is dry, okay? Uh-huh.
Ronnie.
Problem.
This pilot fight is getting out of hand.
Steve is gonna murder Dave.
[MUFFLED.]
: What are you talking about? I saw him warming up.
He's so powerful and raw.
In my Revenant fantasy, he'll now be starring as the bear.
Hey.
Captain Steve is gonna win? Yes.
I need you.
This is not my department.
This is like sporting goods, and I'm men's fragrances.
Oh, ah.
If Dave is really in trouble No-no-no, you're not going nowhere.
Open mouth.
- Ah.
- Close it.
Today, you have to be patient.
Both as a noun and adjective.
- But I have - No buts! Dr.
Artem's order.
You have to wait here until the cement is dry.
It's gonna be, like, 20 minutes.
No moving, no talking.
- What about the fight? - I'll fix it.
Okay, Captain Steve is gonna win, so we have to change the betting line immediately.
This was your plan to handle it? Yes, because Nichole and I were gonna lose money.
Wasn't that everybody's concern? Artem, I've already taken thousands of dollars of bets on Steve.
Thousands? Oh, we have to stop this fight.
Bitch, I've been saying that for the last half hour.
So, what do you think? Not too bad, huh? Well, you stopped yelling "punch" every time you threw a punch, so that's progress.
Why don't we take a short break? - Okay, you catch your breath.
- Ah.
Maybe put your affairs in order, and we'll meet back here in five.
How's that, champ? Punch, punch! - Ah! I'm doing it again.
- [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
Quick update: get here immediately.
Is this about the fight? Artem and Bernard are handling it.
Right, nobody is handling anything.
Do you know how I know? Because right now, I am watching Steve walk into this room.
RONNIE: I am not supposed to move.
I shouldn't even be talking.
COLIN: Look, Ronnie, I know you don't want this role, but you are quite possibly the only person in this entire airport capable of stopping an imminent calamity.
We need you.
- Punch, punch! Whoo! - [SIGHS.]
So what are you saying? He punched a wall? Big deal.
I've punched hundreds of them.
Besides, Colin's been training me.
I'm good.
No, you're quite literally the worst boxer I've ever seen.
You should walk away now, while you still have the use of your legs.
Yeah, you might die.
Why the hell didn't you tell me all this sooner? I can't back down now.
Look at all these people watching.
I'll lose their respect forever.
There is another way.
You could fight dirty.
It's cheap and you'd have to completely abandon your dignity.
Great, let's do that then.
So, stick to biting, pulling hair, and if in doubt, you throw sand in his face.
Wait, you carry sand around in your pocket? Yeah, it's a good thing I do, right? You ready to rumble, you son of a bitch? MAN: Oh, did you hear that? - Am I? - Go get 'em.
- Why not? Okay.
- Yeah.
[ALL CHEERING.]
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Come on Dave! I've been dreaming about kicking your ass for a long time, Dave.
Well, that's not gonna happen, so keep dreaming, Pam Ewing! - Huh? - From Dallas.
All of season nine was Pam Ewing's dream.
You never watched Dallas? I believe it's pronounced "Da-yas.
" Say good night, Steve! Stop! That is enough.
What the hell are you two doing? You're acting like children.
Show me one child with a mustache like this.
Foreigners don't count.
Oh, if you two idiots could forget about this stupid grudge for one minute, I bet you'd realize you have a lot in common.
Like what? Uh well, um [EXHALES.]
Oh, Seger! You like Bob Seger.
So does Dave.
I don't like Bob Seger.
I love Bob Seger.
- [CROWD MURMURS.]
- Okay, okay.
What else? Uh Steve drives a Miata! Oh! You both love cars marketed to women.
What's wrong with a sporty car that's tight around corners? My Pontiac Sunfire used to have 'em screaming.
Just ask my ex, Keisha.
- Keisha? I dated a Keisha.
Distefano? - Berardi.
BOTH: Both Italian.
[GASPS.]
Now do you see what I'm talking about? [STEVE GASPS.]
This might be weird, but do you also, um, sometimes feel like the sky is the only one that understands you? Sometimes? Try all the time.
My God.
We're like the same person.
You see? You were both about to beat up the only other person in the world who truly gets you.
Friends? Brothers.
[CROWD GROANING, BOOING.]
Oh, my God, people.
Get a life! Fight already! MAN: Oh! Hey, champ.
How's the tooth? Oh Artem has to redo the whole thing.
But luckily, the luggage knocked out another tooth, - and that hurts a lot more.
- Well, even though it cost you a pair of teeth, at least you can feel good knowing that, - yet again, you saved the day.
- Yeah.
At least being the person who fixes other people's screwups makes my life seem less like a mess.
Well, you're in luck, because none of us are in any danger of getting our acts together ever.
Hey, guys.
You two must be happy.
You narrowly avoided losing heaps of money.
Mm-mm.
We lost a bundle.
To Alan.
But the fight didn't even happen.
Right.
Because Steve and Dave fell in love.
- Mm.
- Ronnie, will you hold this money for me? Otherwise, it'll go right up my nose.
I can't thank you enough for helping me earn back my wings.
Hey, we're brothers, and I told those Jackpot suits, if my brother can't fly, I can't fly.
And now look at us.
Two straight-up Norse gods ready to conquer the sky.
And to think, I almost gave you a beatdown.
[CHUCKLES.]
Don't make me laugh, old man.
I would've kicked your ass - from here to Da-yas, Fort Worth.
- [LAUGHS.]
Well, time to fly.
Let's do this.
Uh, what are you doing? What do you mean? I'm the pilot, you're the co-pilot.
I don't "co" anything.
I'm the captain.
You are loco in the cabeza if you think you're gonna fly this thing.
Out of my way! - No, get out of my way! - Get out of my way! [BOTH GRUNTING.]
This is so dumb.
[GRUNTING CONTINUES.]
How about here? - No.
- And this one? - Uh-uh.
- And this Oh, yep.
Okay.
- [SHOUTS.]
Yeah.
You have a serious abscess on tooth number 18.
How long has it been since you last saw the dentist? - Um four.
- Months? Years? It's hard to find the time.
My job schedule is so unpredictable.
But my tooth has been killing me lately, so my friend referred me here.
Really? Your friend referred you here? Well, she said you have great lollipops.
You are in luck.
You've got the best dentist in our practice.
He's brilliant and gentle and handsome.
God, what I would give to have him in my mouth.
Oh weird.
That looks like a young Ronnie! Nope.
PILOT [OVER P.
A.
.]
: Jackpot Airlines.
Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.
[SLOT MACHINE CHIMING.]
- [ALL LAUGHING.]
- Cheers! It's Ronnie! What happened the other day? Why did you run out on me? I'm sorry, Artem.
I was in shock.
I had no idea that when you're not gambling, you're a dentist.
I just assumed you were a guy who sold weird fruit out the back of a tire store.
I'm sorry.
Uh, did you say Artem is a dentist? Yeah, pediatric dentist.
Here's my card.
Oh, the doll's head is there so you remember I'm good with kids.
Well, this will be hard to ever, ever forget.
So when are you gonna reschedule? No need.
It's all fixed now.
Laughter and prayer.
It turns out, that's all you need.
Well, that's good it's better, because if you still had that abscess, flying now would be excruciating.
Uh okay.
E-Excruciating how? I'm asking for a friend.
At higher altitudes, trapped air in tooth expands against the nerve, causing unbearable pain.
And I don't know why I'm telling you.
- I should be telling this to your friend.
- [LAUGHS.]
Are you this friend? Damn it, you're fast.
I was captain of my high school hand-slap team.
No big deal.
No, Alan, that is a big deal.
I'm tired of you selling yourself short.
Hey.
I had an idea.
This flight, why don't we keep our altitude, say, below 10,000 feet? Sorry, Ronnie.
I don't tell this old girl how high to fly.
She tells me.
That's not how it works at all.
Alan, what did Dr.
Becker say about contradicting me in front of other people? It's like, why do we go to therapy if you're not even gonna try? Beverage? Hello, Bernard.
[GASPS.]
Captain Steve.
- Ow! - [PASSENGERS GASPING.]
Ah, what is your face made of? No, it's just "Steve" now, ever since I got suspended for punching Captain Dave.
I lost everything that day.
My wife, my Miata, my mustache.
I didn't deserve it anymore, so I shaved it off and buried it in the backyard.
Next to my dad.
Oh, I'm sorry for your losses.
So what are you doing here? I'm going to Jackpot HQ to meet with the review board about getting reinstated so I can get the life back that you all took from me.
Well, we know you have a choice of airlines when traveling to this or that disciplinary hearing, so we thank you for choosing Jackpot.
[CAMERA CLICKS.]
Hey, that's weird.
Uh, what are you doing? Uh I-I'm scanning my tooth on the WebMD app.
You're supposed to get an instant diagnosis.
And my tooth has Lou Gehrig's disease.
Would it not be easier just to go to the dentist every six months? What am I, the Queen of England? Every time I try to do something for myself, something comes up.
Like, I have to work an extra turn or cover for a sick flight attendant.
Nichole gets it.
We're both active professionals on the go.
We don't have time for the dentist.
Oh, no.
I go to the dentist every three months.
Teeth are very important to strippers.
It's the first thing customers notice.
No.
Breasts.
It's breasts.
Ronnie, we have a problem.
Captain Steve is on the flight, and he's very bitter.
And not adorably bitter like a late-in-life Lena Horne.
Scary bitter like a late-in-life Bette Davis.
Love a reference from this century once in a while.
Hamilton.
This is not good.
The last time Captain Steve and Captain Dave were on a flight together, it did not end well.
We can't let them anywhere near each other.
"We"? I've already done my part.
I identified the problem, deflected it with a withering bon mot, then kicked it over to you.
O-Okay, just don't let Dave anywhere near the cabin.
I'll try, but Oh, I'm sorry.
This just feels so good right now.
Hey there, passengers.
If you find yourself in Vegas on a Friday night, why not celebrate the Sabbath the way Captain Dave does? Praying the night away at Temple Beth Vegas, where you'll find the best all-you-can-eat Oneg, and the loosest slots this side of Haifa.
I'm gonna go do my rounds.
Kiss some hands and shake some babies.
Oh, hey, Bernie.
Hey.
What? Can I, uh get through? Um you know what I just realized? You never told me what it was like going vegan.
Oh, I am so glad you asked.
You see, Bern, if you stretch the human digestive tract and lay it next to that of a true omnivore, like a grizzly bear, there's only one conclusion: we're herbivores, my friend.
Can I get through? Sorry, we're going to be doing beverage service indefinitely.
Why don't you sit down and go back to your Doobie Brothers, or whatever? Doobie Brothers? Please.
This Discman only plays Seger.
Mainly 'cause it's been stuck closed since 2004.
GORDON: Excuse me, miss.
Could I get a diet soda? Uh-huh.
[SIGHS.]
This is all foam.
[SIGHS.]
[MOANS.]
Okay, you know what? Why don't you just take the can? Beverage service today is if you're thirsty.
We should have talked about that at the airport and that is something.
Of course after 8 days of no erections I realized I needed some So, I came back in the stake.
And now, I Ah! Oh no! We have a Ronnie down! Make way, I'm a captain.
Make way, I'm a captain.
Captain Steve.
Captain Dave.
I'm okay.
Oh, crap.
What the hell are you doing on my plane? It's not your plane.
Your name isn't Dave Jackpot.
It is on several dating websites.
You don't know.
I know you ruined me the moment you ran your weird face into my fist.
You're lucky that was a sucker punch.
If it had been a real fight, I would've given you a one-way ticket to Pain Island.
Population: you.
I'm standing right here.
Now's your chance.
No, I'm on duty.
Unlike some people, I don't fight my passengers.
That's fine.
I can wait till we land.
How long's your turnaround? - An hour.
- Perfect.
Gives me a half hour to warm up, ten minutes to kick your ass and 20 minutes to high-five all my fans.
That is, of course, unless you're scared.
The only thing I'm scared of is your naked under-nose.
Have some respect, and cover that thing up.
- It's on.
- Oh, it's on.
Lost luggage room, 3:00 p.
m.
Barring any weather delays.
Oh, of course.
- What's the wind shear at today? - About 20 knots.
That's not so bad.
We could maybe push it to 2:50.
The way I fly, make it 2:45.
[QUIETLY.]
: This is so dumb.
[ALL LAUGHING.]
Oh, no, this is worse than I suspected.
Your mouth looks exactly how other people are sure my mouth looks.
Artem, you have to help me.
I cannot take another flight like this, and my turn is in an hour.
Is there anything you can do? Ronnie always help Artem on the plane, so it would be an honor to help you here on the ground.
Ronnie.
What are you gonna do about this Steve-Dave thing? We can't actually let them fight.
I have my own problems, Bernard.
I have to get this tooth fixed before our next flight.
I don't have time to worry about what those two dummies are doing.
Forget them.
I'm the dummy I'm worried about.
This fight could delay our turn back to L.
A.
And I have a date at Musso & Frank's with a married Swede I met in a chat room.
I'm sorry, but I cannot always be fixing everybody else's stuff.
If you want to stop the fight, be my guest and stop the fight.
Let's go, Artem.
No, o-oh, just a moment, I have to give Nichole my secret recipe for queso.
'Kay, so, there's gonna be a lot of action on this pilot fight.
# PilotFight.
I have no time for bets, but as my protégé, you are in charge.
Artem, I'm so honored.
Wait.
We're gonna be splitting that money 50-50, right? Because I'm gonna need cash if I'm gonna start buying freshwater lakes.
It's what the wars of the future will be fought over.
Of course.
We're equal partners.
Hey, I have a strong feeling that Captain Dave will win this fight.
He has this sad rage in him.
That means you have to encourage hefty bets on Captain Steve.
You can count on me.
- I know I can.
- [GIGGLES.]
That's why the little black book is yours.
Wow.
Steffi Graf, Angela Merkel, Sade? I'm sorry, that's the wrong little black book.
Here.
Oh.
[EXHALES.]
BERNARD: Dave? - You and I need to talk.
- We do.
Which of these do you like? I'm looking for something intimidating that breathes, and doesn't skimp on style.
You don't have to do this.
You're the guy who's still flying.
You already won.
And I'll be the real winner when I'm sharing a shrimp cocktail with my Swedish orthopedist Bjorn.
The "J" is silent.
Just like his love for me.
Look, I have to fight Steve.
My honor is at stake here.
Like when I was a teenager, my dad was gonna buy that ski resort to turn into condos, until a scrappy ski instructor beat me in that race down Devil's Backbone.
So you were the villain in an '80s ski movie? No, I was the good guy.
Those condos would've been state-of-the-art.
Look, everyone that works in this airport knows that Steve challenged me.
If I back out now, I'll lose their respect and maybe never get it back.
I can't let them see me as a coward.
Colin, will you please talk some sense and tell Dave this fight won't solve anything? Well, actually, it may solve quite a lot.
As a university-trained boxer, I believe that physical confrontation is an effective and downright zesty means of conflict resolution.
You know, I have some time before I pick my son up from school.
Maybe we could train together? I'll show you some tips.
Let's do it then.
Donna, put this on my tab.
And here you stand, Bernard, forsaken and alone.
Like a young Hedy Lamarr's Joan of Arc.
With no around to tell you they don't get that reference.
All right, we don't have time to go to a real dentist's office, so hopefully this place will have to work.
Oh, this is like a little airport hospital.
Is this where sick airplanes go? This is the Vegas airport medical office.
It's mainly used for hangovers, stripper-heel ankle sprains, and people still tripping from last night's EDM show.
I need to lick something or else I'll die.
I just don't know if they have any dentist stuff here.
Don't worry, I got my own dental emergency kit.
I have some fun pokey things, and some fun scrape-y things Whatever.
Just use all of it.
You have half an hour, so start scraping and start poking.
Okay, listen, one important question before we start.
Which tablet would you like to use for cartoons? The panda or penguin? Artem, I'm not a child.
Penguin.
Good choice.
Okay, David, we are gonna start with a simple combination.
Jab, cross, then you slip when I counter.
Ow.
That's not cool.
That's okay.
We'll go again.
Remember to dodge when I counter.
- You don't have to tell me twice.
- Okay.
Try again.
Why don't you use your martial arts training for this fight? Oh, I would never.
Muay Thai is a sacred discipline whose purpose is the enrichment of the soul.
And besides, they moved my book club to Tuesday nights, so I had to make some hard choices.
Yeah, schedules can be difficult.
That's fine, we'll go again.
Okay.
Jab, cross, slip.
Just slip means get out of the way.
So, again, that's jab, cross, get out of the way.
Damn it.
This would be easier if I knew which hand you were punching with.
Just tell me, right or left, and then I'll move.
Steve's not gonna announce which hand he's gonna punch you with.
He will, if we make it a rule.
Like in pool.
You call the pocket first.
Eight ball, corner pocket.
Same thing: left hand, your face.
Oh, God this is gonna be harder than I thought.
- Oh.
- Come on, man, I was wiping my brow.
Then do my rule call out "left hand, wiping brow.
" Wait, so Captain Steve and Captain Dave are gonna fight? Oh, yeah.
We're calling it "PILOT PUMMEL I: The Rematch.
" Ten to one Dave wins in a knockout.
Are you in? Hell yeah.
With those odds, put me down for $50 on Steve.
Just $50? Come on.
If you put in $250, I'll make one of those whisper videos where I talk real quiet while I fold a napkin.
- Deal.
- [CHUCKLES.]
$250 on Steve.
$100 on Steve.
$500 on Steve.
[SPEAKING GERMAN.]
: $1,500 on Steve and Dave falling in love? I'm a romantic.
[BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Steve, listen Happy birthday, Mr.
President.
Listen, you, I'm calling off this fight.
Stay out of this, Bernard.
Say my name again.
No! This is crazy.
You are two grown men.
You shouldn't be settling your differences in a lost luggage room in the middle of the day.
You're not fighting.
Now, say my name again.
This is happening.
There's nothing you can do to stop it.
You just got caught up in the moment.
Take a step back and think about this.
Think about this? Please.
That's all I've thought about for months.
I'm not meeting with the Jackpot Review Board.
The only reason I was on that plane was to get Dave to fight me.
I've spent every day since that flight waiting, watching, training.
White lightning.
That's right, Bernard.
This isn't gonna be a fight.
It's gonna be a massacre.
Ok Ronnie.
So I've cemented the temporary cap to your molar.
I want you to bite down on this cotton roll until the cement is dry, okay? Uh-huh.
Ronnie.
Problem.
This pilot fight is getting out of hand.
Steve is gonna murder Dave.
[MUFFLED.]
: What are you talking about? I saw him warming up.
He's so powerful and raw.
In my Revenant fantasy, he'll now be starring as the bear.
Hey.
Captain Steve is gonna win? Yes.
I need you.
This is not my department.
This is like sporting goods, and I'm men's fragrances.
Oh, ah.
If Dave is really in trouble No-no-no, you're not going nowhere.
Open mouth.
- Ah.
- Close it.
Today, you have to be patient.
Both as a noun and adjective.
- But I have - No buts! Dr.
Artem's order.
You have to wait here until the cement is dry.
It's gonna be, like, 20 minutes.
No moving, no talking.
- What about the fight? - I'll fix it.
Okay, Captain Steve is gonna win, so we have to change the betting line immediately.
This was your plan to handle it? Yes, because Nichole and I were gonna lose money.
Wasn't that everybody's concern? Artem, I've already taken thousands of dollars of bets on Steve.
Thousands? Oh, we have to stop this fight.
Bitch, I've been saying that for the last half hour.
So, what do you think? Not too bad, huh? Well, you stopped yelling "punch" every time you threw a punch, so that's progress.
Why don't we take a short break? - Okay, you catch your breath.
- Ah.
Maybe put your affairs in order, and we'll meet back here in five.
How's that, champ? Punch, punch! - Ah! I'm doing it again.
- [LAUGHS NERVOUSLY.]
Quick update: get here immediately.
Is this about the fight? Artem and Bernard are handling it.
Right, nobody is handling anything.
Do you know how I know? Because right now, I am watching Steve walk into this room.
RONNIE: I am not supposed to move.
I shouldn't even be talking.
COLIN: Look, Ronnie, I know you don't want this role, but you are quite possibly the only person in this entire airport capable of stopping an imminent calamity.
We need you.
- Punch, punch! Whoo! - [SIGHS.]
So what are you saying? He punched a wall? Big deal.
I've punched hundreds of them.
Besides, Colin's been training me.
I'm good.
No, you're quite literally the worst boxer I've ever seen.
You should walk away now, while you still have the use of your legs.
Yeah, you might die.
Why the hell didn't you tell me all this sooner? I can't back down now.
Look at all these people watching.
I'll lose their respect forever.
There is another way.
You could fight dirty.
It's cheap and you'd have to completely abandon your dignity.
Great, let's do that then.
So, stick to biting, pulling hair, and if in doubt, you throw sand in his face.
Wait, you carry sand around in your pocket? Yeah, it's a good thing I do, right? You ready to rumble, you son of a bitch? MAN: Oh, did you hear that? - Am I? - Go get 'em.
- Why not? Okay.
- Yeah.
[ALL CHEERING.]
[CROWD CHEERING.]
Come on Dave! I've been dreaming about kicking your ass for a long time, Dave.
Well, that's not gonna happen, so keep dreaming, Pam Ewing! - Huh? - From Dallas.
All of season nine was Pam Ewing's dream.
You never watched Dallas? I believe it's pronounced "Da-yas.
" Say good night, Steve! Stop! That is enough.
What the hell are you two doing? You're acting like children.
Show me one child with a mustache like this.
Foreigners don't count.
Oh, if you two idiots could forget about this stupid grudge for one minute, I bet you'd realize you have a lot in common.
Like what? Uh well, um [EXHALES.]
Oh, Seger! You like Bob Seger.
So does Dave.
I don't like Bob Seger.
I love Bob Seger.
- [CROWD MURMURS.]
- Okay, okay.
What else? Uh Steve drives a Miata! Oh! You both love cars marketed to women.
What's wrong with a sporty car that's tight around corners? My Pontiac Sunfire used to have 'em screaming.
Just ask my ex, Keisha.
- Keisha? I dated a Keisha.
Distefano? - Berardi.
BOTH: Both Italian.
[GASPS.]
Now do you see what I'm talking about? [STEVE GASPS.]
This might be weird, but do you also, um, sometimes feel like the sky is the only one that understands you? Sometimes? Try all the time.
My God.
We're like the same person.
You see? You were both about to beat up the only other person in the world who truly gets you.
Friends? Brothers.
[CROWD GROANING, BOOING.]
Oh, my God, people.
Get a life! Fight already! MAN: Oh! Hey, champ.
How's the tooth? Oh Artem has to redo the whole thing.
But luckily, the luggage knocked out another tooth, - and that hurts a lot more.
- Well, even though it cost you a pair of teeth, at least you can feel good knowing that, - yet again, you saved the day.
- Yeah.
At least being the person who fixes other people's screwups makes my life seem less like a mess.
Well, you're in luck, because none of us are in any danger of getting our acts together ever.
Hey, guys.
You two must be happy.
You narrowly avoided losing heaps of money.
Mm-mm.
We lost a bundle.
To Alan.
But the fight didn't even happen.
Right.
Because Steve and Dave fell in love.
- Mm.
- Ronnie, will you hold this money for me? Otherwise, it'll go right up my nose.
I can't thank you enough for helping me earn back my wings.
Hey, we're brothers, and I told those Jackpot suits, if my brother can't fly, I can't fly.
And now look at us.
Two straight-up Norse gods ready to conquer the sky.
And to think, I almost gave you a beatdown.
[CHUCKLES.]
Don't make me laugh, old man.
I would've kicked your ass - from here to Da-yas, Fort Worth.
- [LAUGHS.]
Well, time to fly.
Let's do this.
Uh, what are you doing? What do you mean? I'm the pilot, you're the co-pilot.
I don't "co" anything.
I'm the captain.
You are loco in the cabeza if you think you're gonna fly this thing.
Out of my way! - No, get out of my way! - Get out of my way! [BOTH GRUNTING.]
This is so dumb.
[GRUNTING CONTINUES.]