Laid (2011) s01e06 Episode Script

Where have you two been? Nowhere.
Why is your picture on there? You slept with my best friend.
Your ex-best friend.
People do things when they're drunk, love.
Things they don't mean.
The friendship's over, all because I'm a massive dickhead.
He's wonderful.
Gonna ask him to stay the night in the caravan? I can't.
She thinks she's killing people.
What?! With sex.
Has it even registered with you that considering what's happening with Roo at the moment, I'm officially dying? Dying! Uh you're probably gonna die.
It's not as bad as it seems.
There's definitely a reasonable explanation.
I just haven't found out what that is yet, but I will.
So if you think I'm some sort of psycho sex-fiend lunatic, please don't call the police.
First of all, I wanna thank you all for coming out.
It's really great to see you all.
I wish it could be under happier circumstances.
But Zach.
Zach attack.
Where do I start? We had some crazy times.
Schoolies '98 Who let the dogs out? Woof, Woof, Woof, Woof.
Still don't know how we talked our way out of that brothel.
Reckon there's still some yakuza dudes looking for us.
Oh, so sorry, Mr Lewis.
Mr Zach have to leave the building for long time.
Not being racist- that's how he actually talked.
I mean, yeah, we partied .
.
heaps.
But, you know, there was always more to Zach than just partying.
He had depth.
I'm gonna miss that mother-fucker.
To Zach.
- To Zach.
To me! Good to see you, boys.
Pity it's not under better circumstances.
Dude, awesome speech, mate.
Oh it's kind of complicated because So he's not sick, then? No.
But he is dying? Today is just something he felt he needed to do.
Great speeches, eh? "I have a dream," I have a shmeam.
Eulogies could've been a bit better.
Just the punchline bit, I mean.
Darling, I don't think eulogies are meant to have punchlines.
Yeah, yeah, no, I just mean maybe put a bit more spark into it, Mum.
Like, remember my 21st speech? Like that, but just leaving people with something to think about at the end.
Awesome turnout, though.
Griffo's doing shots.
Griffo! Knuckles! That's not their real names.
Hi.
Hey.
This is a bit weird.
I wish we could talk.
What does it matter now? Zach's gonna die.
Nobody knows when, but let's face it, it's probably soon.
And after that, every time I look at you, I'm just gonna be reminded of the night you two were stupid enough to get drunk and have sex.
It was a mistake.
- INXS'.
My two favourite ladies in the natter corner! Have you tried the beetroot dip? Aren't you angry at her for doing this? It takes two to tango.
Oh, don't worry.
I'm still pissed at you.
But all of this - I mean, aren't you furious? It's her fault.
Why are you even here? I felt it was the right thing to do.
You know what? No, I'm not.
Life's way too short to stay pissed off - mine especially.
You think I would've known about how many people give a shit about me if I hadn't had some sort of warning that I was about to go? I put the call out, they stepped up.
It's amazing, EJ.
Everyone should live through their own wake.
If anything I'm grateful.
Thank you.
Oh, dear Well, Charlie, I've got the paving all done round the pool.
It's just a matter of getting the compost.
I'm not very good with the composting.
I don't know whether I should get the cypress chips or the, uh How was the wake? Very strange.
Listen, Roo, your mother and I Dad.
Don't start getting defensive.
You always open with "Your mother and I" when you're about to say something incredibly embarrassing.
Oh, that's not true.
My birthday? Yes, well, just because you find prostate examinations embarrassing doesn't mean that they're not an essential part of a man's medical journey.
Should I go? This involves you too, Charlie.
No, it doesn't.
You can leave.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure my prostate's fine.
This is not about anyone's prostate.
The only way we're going to get to the bottom of all this business with the sex and the killing is if we talk it out.
No offence, Mum, honestly, but I don't want to have a family discussion about this.
All I've done is talk and talk - it's got me nowhere.
The only way to stop everything happening is to stop it.
I suppose most girls tell you they've got their periods when they don't wanna have sex with you.
OK, that's it.
Thank you.
But she does want to have sex with him - that's the problem.
And I take you do too, Charlie? Wow, this is, um Well, sure, if you want to.
Please don't validate them by answering their questions.
No, no, no, Roo.
Look, we have to discuss this.
Look, you are gorgeous, you're fun, you're intelligent.
Boys adore you.
Bad luck for boys.
I'm staying celibate.
Forever.
You see, now he's disappointed.
I wasn't What choice do I have? Do you know anyone who'd commit to a relationship with someone they can never have sex with ever? Well, there are other avenues that couples can explore that don't involve penetration.
Please don't say 'mutual masturbation'.
Like mutual masturbation, for instance.
Oh, look, you said it.
Nothing wrong with it.
Is there, Marion? No.
Not from my experience.
Zach, I'm serious.
We don't know when anything's gonna happen.
You can't just - Exactly.
We don't know.
Could be any second now.
I could drop dead in front of you in the next 30 seconds, right? How'd you like that? I Well I wouldn't.
Ferris is right.
Life's pretty fast.
If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you might miss out.
I just wanna go out with some style, you know.
Live fast, die young .
.
like Princess Di.
If you're so convinced you're gonna die any second, don't you wanna spend some of your last moments with me? I am spending time with you.
You're the co-pilot on my bucket list.
What? So this is a recent interest? Very recent.
And what provoked this recent interest? I just felt, uh you know, um elements of my life were pointing me towards some sort of spiritual change.
Joining the Sisterhood is that change? Well, why not? I've already been to Bali.
Also, I love God heaps.
There are vows of poverty, celibacy and obedience to be taken.
Totally.
No problems.
I'm happy to get a run-up on the celibacy one.
I don't think you've grasped I could go to chastity night school if there's such a thing.
There's not.
Of course not.
'Passion of the Christ' was good, wasn't it? Becoming a nun is hard because you know that, deep down, it's not the right thing to do.
I'm sick of everyone worrying about me, Dad.
I'm sick of everyone looking at me like they feel sorry for me.
Oh, I don't look at you like that.
Neither does your Charlie.
Oh, he's not really mine.
Well, not yet.
This is too complicated, Dad.
I like him too much to get him involved in this whatever it is.
He's a big boy, he knows what he's getting into.
Does he? Yeah, well, he knows it's complicated, anyway.
I've seen him when he's with you - he he lights up.
And when he does, I think, "There's a fella who knows how special my Roo is.
" He's got good taste.
Biased.
Well, I've got good taste too.
That's why I chased after your mum for so long.
And you won her over with your charm, didn't you? Yeah.
That and the sleeping pills I put in her Bonox.
I wish you'd tell me.
Oh, you're so impatient.
I am not.
Hello.
Hi.
Um Jan this is Roo.
Roo, this is Mum.
Hi.
Another slice? Thanks.
it's really good.
It really is, Mum.
it's vegan.
Mum's vegan.
Is that right? Yes.
Hmm So, Mum, Roo's having a bit of a problem.
Oh, we don't need to discuss that.
Oh, yes? Everyone she's ever slept with has died.
Well, except the last one.
Honestly, it's not very interesting.
Tell me, um what made you become a vegan? They're all dying in different ways.
One of them got cancer, another was hit by a car.
The only thing we can figure out is it's happening in order, and nothing sexual can happen between us until we know what's going on.
Oh, and we need to save the last guy.
He's her best friend's boyfriend - well, ex-best friend.
But they were on a break when the sex happened.
Really? We need you to help her us.
Charlie, can I have a word with you? Sorry.
Why should I? Doesn't seem like she deserves any help.
Look, it's not her fault, Mum.
We're all in charge of our own destinies.
Oh, for God's sake.
What is she? A white witch? She's not a white witch.
I only want good light in this house, good energy.
Mum, I know it all sounds really dark, but she hasn't made this happen.
That's what she says.
What star sign is she? Is she a Virgo? Have you brought a Virgo into my house? I wanna help her through this.
OK.
For you.
I'll do it for you.
Delicious treats from our favourite celebrity chef.
Always love that - a nice tasty me What? Uh, moving on.
You're watching 'Sunrise'.
See you after the break.
"Sacred whores were special to" That's fascinating.
And we can't go anywhere without you, can I? Right.
OK.
Dear me! What? You've been quite busy, haven't you? This is the way you wanna die? Really? What if Kochie had turned around and seen your wang and lost his mind?! EJ! What? This is it.
I'm living the dream.
I'm doing everything that I've ever wanted to do.
Being naked on 'Sunrise' is your dream? Yep.
That and other stuff.
What are you doing? Get up.
I thought we were running.
Aren't we running? Marry me.
What? EJ, you're the woman of my dreams and any time that I've got left, I wanna spend it with you.
Ooh, shit.
These are the wrong pants.
I've got a rubber band.
Well, this is very touching.
I'm touched.
You are a little bit, aren't you? Is that a yes? Right.
Now Yes? How are we going to solve this little problemette, eh? I would prefer it if you didn't all talk at once.
One at a time.
OK, you at the back, you seem to have something to get off your chest.
I don't know what you did to make him cross, but he's very, very upset.
Can you Can you see somebody? Yes, I can see all of them.
They're standing right there.
OK.
That's exactly what I thought when I first saw 'em.
Shh.
Uh now, do you have something to say to them? Uh I Um Sorry about all the .
.
the death stuff.
Sorry.
I was a bit on the spot there.
Yes, well, I'm sure they were very impressed.
This is all very new to me.
Best to leave it in the hands of an expert, then, eh? Right, absolutely.
You can go.
OK, thank you.
Excuse me.
Just Sorry.
Just She hates me.
Oh, she doesn't hate you.
She's just a bit judgemental.
I'm not even sure what it is she does.
No offence.
I mean, she's certainly interesting.
Yeah.
I know it all seems a little weird at first What? No, really I don't mean to seem ungrateful.
it's all just a lot to take in.
Yeah, I know.
I understand.
When she said they were all in the room, the dead guys, it's just You know, I mean, where else are they? Do they watch me in the shower? Are they in the back seat, telling us to change the radio station? She knows what she's talking about, honestly.
You're in safe hands.
Anyway, what choice do you have? I could always kill myself.
Wow, never thought of that.
Just working through my options.
I don't feel comfortable with this.
Just relax.
Keep your voice down.
Just trust me.
What's the worst that could happen? You honestly expect me to answer that? I love you.
Oh, God.
I do.
I love you too.
Ignore that.
Charlie, I'm not gonna have sex with you until I get the all clear from your mother.
That is without doubt the worst sentence I've ever said in my life.
Maybe Maybe to break it all we need is to be serious.
Well, what do you mean, 'serious'? You know, like serious.
In love.
Are you are you saying you love me? Charlie, your mum's here.
She just ran over Bernie the gnome.
The poor little blighter's lost his his shovel.
I'm disrupting a moment, aren't I? Yeah, sorry about that.
I'll How.
Put the kettle on.
I don't know.
Look, but see, that's what you're not listening to.
Mate, I'm listening.
You're dying, so you thought you'd come here and have a root next to some seaweed.
Oh, he's making it sound all cheap.
I've told you about the towel.
Zach, leave the towel on.
Why is everybody here so uptight about nudity? The human body is a wonderful thing.
Don't make me call the cops, OK? You wanna call the cops? Call them.
I don't care! Who wants to watch me swim with the sharks! Yay! Whoo-hoo! I get one phone call, right? What does she need to ask for forgiveness for? Some of those boyfriends were absolute deadbeats Mum! Well, only some.
Now they're just dead.
Roo, won't just be asking forgiveness for herself.
None of us can move on until we've let go of the past.
I'm not holding onto the past.
Well, you might not think you are.
But all these lingering affairs, these relationships .
.
these sexual conquests What conquests?! Marion, shh, shh.
She's making her sound like a trumped-up tart.
It's hardly my fault that Roo has had 22 lovers.
22?! Don't say it in that voice.
You never She never mentioned the number.
I didn't think it would ever be public property.
It's not for me to judge the relationship you have with your daughter, Marion There's absolutely nothing wrong with They are excellent communicators.
Whoa, hey, let's just There's no reason to get upset here.
Look, I know you're all very scared, but the time for hesitation and hiding is over.
Roo needs to get out there and live her life like a normal person.
And you need to tell these boys you're sorry, but you no longer have a need for them in your life.
It's time to move on.
22? Mum! I tried to stop him! He just won't listen! Can't you say something to him? I don't wanna watch him die! Why aren't you wearing any clothes? Maybe I can say something.
Did he just swallow a fish? Oh, my God.
Oh, shit! Is he dead? Does that mean he's dead? Can you shut up?! Sorry.
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
what is this? And then I hear this voice .
.
that's like, "Come towards the light, kid.
" And then I'm like, "Yoda, is that you?" And then I think, "There is no way that Yoda would ever call me 'kid'.
" And that's when I realised that it was a trap.
And that's when I ran for it.
And then the ambulance guy was saying, "Shit," and then you guys were staring at me.
I beat the curse.
I'm like some sort of superhuman.
They used a defibrillator on me, you know? Lleyton, um I should've been more attentive when the top of your ear got sliced off.
Simon, I should've listened when you were yelling at me on the tram.
I should not have pretended I didn't know you.
I thought you'd turned into a crazy person.
I had no idea you were caught in the door.
Grant, I was actually on another date when I asked you out, and I know that's completely shallow.
Peter, I knew you were married and I still kept chasing you, and I know that must've made things difficult for you.
Um but I honestly believed we were meant to be together.
I know that sounds weak.
Stuart, I'm sorry I made you paranoid about the way you eat ate.
New Year's Eve Guy, I'm really sorry I don't know your name.
Hamish, I'm really sorry I laughed every time you said "sexual massage".
Robert, I should've gone to your surprise birthday party and not the Gipsy Kings.
That was a date clash and I made the wrong decision.
And, Andrew .
.
um .
.
I'm just sorry, yeah.
So, uh all of you, I know that I probably wasn't the nicest girlfriend, or even a girlfriend, but I really did mean well, you know.
And I never meant to be a jerk or hurt anyone's feelings or put my own needs before other people's.
I'm not a bad person.
I'm just human, I guess.
And I hope you can forgive me for that.
All of you.
And, also, I I forgive myself.
I may have just bounced around from relationship to relationship for a while, but I was just trying to find my way forward, and I think I've found that now.
So I I'd like you to set me free.
That was excellent, Roo.
Well done.
And very entertaining.
Not not in a funny way.
I've said the wrong thing again.
I thought it was great.
Uh what now? How do you mean? Do we need to burn something or sing a song or something? How ridiculous.
But it's over, isn't it? Yes, it is.
You don't believe me? Oh, no, no, it's not that.
It's just I thought there'd be a sign, you know, a gong or a flash of lightning or something.
You have to have a little faith.
So how do we know if it's actually fixed? There's only one way to find out.
Oh, we'll be off, then.
Oh, you don't have to No, no, it's alright, love.
You don't wanna stay and get some takeaway food? Everything will be OK.
And I might get a lift with your folks to see Zach.
We should go too, and see if Zach's Stop it.
I wouldn't be leaving you with my son if I had any doubts about my work.
Alright.
And you did a good job too.
You deserve to be free.
Thank you.
And I really do appreciate what you've done.
Um thank you so much for Just make love to my son, Roo.
OK, thanks.
She also does children's parties.
Maybe I should test it out on someone I don't like.
You know, we could, um .
.
we could go and pick a random racist off the street or No, look, Roo .
.
I wouldn't be here if I didn't think it was worth it.
If you were worth it.
I know, but this is big.
This is like, bigger than cancer.
Oh, cancer kills millions of people every year.
If I'm wrong and I actually end up risking my life by us being together .
.
maybe that's a risk I'm prepared to take.
That's lovely.
It's true.
Shoes.
Sorry.
Charlie? Charlie? Charlie?