Last Tango In Halifax (2012) s01e06 Episode Script
Episode 6
Is Caroline there? She's had to rush somebody in to hospital.
I haven't a clue where John is.
-Celia! Oh, God Has something happened with Caroline? She's been having it off with another woman! What woman? It's out of a machine, I don't know what it'll taste like.
You Could you do with something to eat? No.
He's a trouble-maker, that one.
As I say, he'll have got hold of the wrong end o' stick.
Or he's just lashing out, saying first damned silly thing that's come into his head.
She When she was 18, she told me.
19.
End of her first year at Oxford.
She came home.
I hardly recognised her.
Skinny as a rake.
And she'd cut all her lovely long hair off.
Told you what? I said, "Well, for God's sake, don't tell your father.
"Or anyone else.
Not round here.
" No, I didn't want folk pointing, saying things.
Not for me, not for my sake.
For hers.
Some folks seemed to think she was enough of an oddity having a brain and getting in at Oxford.
What folk? Oh, folk.
So, what happened? Well, nothing.
Nothing.
Er Did she havea friend, or? There was one girl.
I did wonder.
You know when they say a name once too often, in a particular way.
But it wasn't anybody she ever brought home.
And then, I don't know, few years passed and she met John.
And that was it.
It was forgotten.
It was only ever mentioned that once.
I suppose I imagined she'd got over it.
How do you get on? They stitched her up.
Took her back to her flat.
God! What a dump.
He left me and the boys and this house to go and live in that squalid little hovel with her.
Well, love is blind.
And a form of madness.
Was William all right? He's asleep.
I think they both are.
So do you want the bad news first, or the even worse news? Oh, just as it comes.
Gillian rang.
John's been over there, at her place John has? Telling your mum all about us.
And she got upset, apparently, your mum did, and she's on her way over here.
Now, with Alan.
Well, they can't drive in the dark! They can't see properly, either of them! Well, I And anyway, John doesn't know all about us specifically.
I didn't Well, my name was mentioned.
And the thing is, Lawrence took the call.
So, now he knows as well.
So Well, what did he? Shocked.
Subdued.
Certainly didn't want to hang around with me much after that.
I said you'd pop up and look at him when you got in.
He didn't go straight on Facebook? No! No, nothing like that.
But it sounds like your mum took it quite badly.
What the hell was John doing at Gillian's? Well, shit-stirring, by the sound of it.
It's so far below the belt, it's Even for him.
I mean, God, she's 75! Yeah, well, he's lashing out, isn't he? I'd better go and look at Lawrence.
Yeah.
Listen, Caroline, I'm going to get off home.
Unless you want me here when your mum No.
Not yet.
I'm sorry.
It's not been much of a birthday.
Doesn't matter.
Night, then.
Night.
Ring me.
Lawrence? Are you awake? I love you.
I don't want people being mean to you.
Nobody's going to be mean to me.
I won't let them.
I'm big.
Believe me, I can handle mean.
Good morning! All right? Oh.
Morning.
Morning, Gillian.
How do.
You're up early.
Early? It's gone half past seven.
There's a pot of tea on the Aga.
How How are you this morning? I'll be happier when I've sorted out this pigging clutch! Is there anything I can do? How likely is that on a scale of one to ten? Yeah.
No, fair enough.
We made love.
You were upset, it was my birthday, we were both a bit pissed.
I Go pour yourself some tea.
I Then you'd better ring Caroline.
Cos I think you owe her one hell of an apology, trouble you caused last night.
They got back safe, you'll be pleased to hear.
It was ten past midnight.
She texted me.
It's no small thing, you know, finding out that your wife's been Yes.
We got the picture.
Very vividly.
Yesterday.
All of us.
Go pour yourself some tea, posh bloke.
Who are you? That's Paul.
He was here yesterday.
You have met him.
No, I mean, what is he? I'm gigolo.
You been at it wi' 'im? What's it to you? Slapper.
He is a very erudite man.
So am I.
Yeah, you don't know what it means.
Yeah, but ifI did, I would be.
Yeah, good point, Paul.
Can't argue with that! Hello.
She's in bathroom.
I'll give her a shout.
Celia? Caroline's here.
Is she all right? I appreciate you didn't want to talk last night, but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that you heard what you heard the way you heard it.
I wanted to tell you myself properly, but obviously John I don't even know why John was there.
Why was John there? You know as much as me.
I might wander down road, see if I can get a newspaper.
No, there's no need.
Can I can fetch anything while I'm out? You don't have to go out.
I fancy a bit of fresh air.
I'd rather you didn't.
Anything you've got to say to me, you can say to Alan.
OK.
Well, look, I don't know exactly what's been said because I've had it third-hand from Gillian, via Lawrence, via someone else.
And, um Well I'm assuming it's nonsense.
Can I sit down? It's your house.
Oh, Mum! OK.
So When John went to live with Judith, well, you know I found it difficult for a while, and some people were very supportive - you were, you were very kind - and there was this person at school who, equally, was verythoughtful and went out of her way to cheer me up.
And people don't as a rule.
I thinkpeople are scared of me or they think I don't need a kind word now and again.
But she didn't think like that, and we became close.
And then she told me she had a bit of a .
.
crush on me, andone thing led to another.
She thinks the world of me and I think a lot about her, and it's what I want.
Why can't you just be friends? Mum I don't know why there's this sudden It's not sudden.
You've been married to that nitwit for the last 20 years.
You can't just switch I've known since I was I once talked to you about it.
Do you remember, when I was at university? You've probably forgotten.
Why did you marry John? Because I liked him.
I loved him.
Because he asked me.
And I thought we could have a good life together.
And we did until he Well, I'm sure there's plenty more men out there who'd be more than Oh, Mum! Just try and get it.
I'm too old to pretend any more.
I'd like you, both of you, to meet Kate.
Is that her name? No, she's called Zanzibar Buck Buck McFate.
I just call her Kate for short, it's easier! No, thank you.
I don't think we do want to meet her.
She's called Kate McKenzie.
She's nice, she's kind, she's thoughtful, she's Is she Scottish? No, she's Nigerian.
No, I mean she is Nigerian.
That wasn't me beingsarcastic.
Well, I think me and Alan have decided against the school chapel.
Why? We'll make our own arrangements.
Right.
And I think it would be better if I moved out.
You'll have more space then anyway, won't you? Soplan.
Plan is er, Registry Office.
In Halifax.
Then She wants me to give Darren and Kimberley notice to quit cottage.
Either that or rent somewhere.
You don't want to rent.
Not if the long-term plan is to buy.
It's just a waste of money.
And I thought she had, like, an allergic reaction to the Registry Office.
Yeah, I know.
Well, but Why does she have to move out so fast? Is she frightened she's going to get infected with lesbian spores? Well, you know as much as me.
Well, I don't know that I do, Dad, but What's up with Caroline being a bit of a dyke anyway? Well, I did raise that question.
Not quite in so many words.
And what did she say? You'd not be saying that if it was your Gillian.
I stopped worrying about who our Gillian slept with years ago.
I had to.
I'd have had a nervous breakdown if I hadn't! Except you never do stop worrying.
I know, I understand that, but .
.
if this Kate's a nice person, and it sounds very much like she is, well, surely that's what matters.
Eh? Isn't it? I think you just need time to get used to it.
That's all.
Surely.
Celia? It's nowt these days! Nobody bats an eyelid.
Oh, they do.
THEY do.
People like to pretend they don't, but they do.
But I tried to persuade her that she should meet this Kate.
But she wouldn't even entertain the idea.
Course, none of it would've arisen if that dozy bugger hadn't been round her house last night shooting his mouth off.
DOOR SHUTS I specifically asked you not to tell my mum.
I said, "Tell who the hell you like, but let me tell the boys and my mum.
" I didn't plan it.
You didn't plan it? What do you mean, you didn't plan it? You drove 60 miles over to Halifax - how is that not planning it? II wanted to talk to Gillian.
Gillian.
Gillian and I that time you drove off without me, after the engagement party, shewe She was very supportive and sympathetic, and I needed someone to talk to.
I knew you were infatuated with her.
She's very Look, I went to talk to Gillian.
I didn't go to talk to Celia.
That's the point.
You probably don't believe me, but I forgot Celia was there.
Is she all right? No, she isn't.
And I knew she wouldn't be, which was why I wanted to What's the point? OK, well, look I'm sorry, I am sorry, but .
.
I was upset.
Would it help if I apologised to her? No, it wouldn't.
It'd make things worse.
And I'd like it if you kept right out of anything to do with me from now on, OK? Where are the boys? Cinema.
Can I ask you something, just out of interest? Out of all thehundreds thousands of times we had sex .
.
what were you thinking about? Do you mean, was I dreaming about other people? I don't know.
I can't remember.
Possibly.
You know when you were screwing me at the same time you were screwing Judith? What were you thinking about? Yes, OK, but the point I I was a good wife.
You were the one who blew it, John, not me.
How long have you known this thing about yourself? I assume it's not something you cooked up last week.
John, this is no reflection on you, if that's what you're bothered about.
I married you because I liked you.
A lot.
I liked having sex with you.
I'm sorry if that doesn't compute, but it's true.
I liked you, I loved you! I wanted to have children with you and I wanted to grow old with you.
You see I feel used.
Used? You feel used? I'll tell you something.
I was round at Judith's flat last night, bizarrely, not through choice - I'll explain why in a minute.
You left me and the boys and this house to go and live in that shit-hole with, I think, possibly one of the most vulnerable women I've ever met.
How useless, how drab do you think that makes me feel? You always manage to twist everything round to you.
Yes, well, I have the great advantage of having me on my side.
What were you doing round at her flat? I was having sex with her.
That was a joke.
She slashed one of her wrists in the front garden.
Here? Mm.
Not intentionally.
She was just pissed, it wasn't that dramatic.
Well, actually, it was.
William fainted.
She was looking for you.
She thought she'd upset you.
She said she wanted to apologise to you.
Oh, God.
At nine o'clock last night, I was propping her up in casualty, covered in blood.
As birthdays go, it was one of the more memorable ones.
Oh, no! It was your Don't bother.
Will Celia be all right? I don't know.
She's not speaking to me.
Yeah! Die, boy, die! Oi! How did you do that? Numb nuts.
Grandad's back! Grandad! Mr Buttershaw! You can play me, Grandad, when I've slaughtered this dilbert.
No, no! You're all right.
I'll get the kettle on.
Is Celia all right? Hm? Er, well Ah-ha-ha-ha! She reads Daily Mail, Celia.
Did I tell you? How long have you known this? Oh, first time I went over, I spotted one.
She says she only buys it for telly page, but I'm not convinced.
Jesus, Dad! It doesn't surprise me, if I'm being honest.
Her buying Daily Mail.
This morning .
.
she disappointed me, way she spoke to Caroline.
I was shocked.
I know she likes to call a spade a bloody shovel now and again, and well, it is part of her charm but it obviously wasn't easy for lass, saying what she had to say, and it was just so unkind.
So unthinking.
So deep-rooted.
You're not going to fall out with her, though, are you? Dad? Is Dad going to move out? I don't know.
Is Miss McKenzie going to move in? I don't know.
Do people at school know about you and Miss McKenzie? No.
Mum.
Granny.
Can I help you? Can I have a word with you? Alan rang last night.
I drove him to the station on Thursday morning and then he didn't ring till last night.
That's the longest we've gone not speaking to each other since we met up again.
Do you want to get to the point? He thinks I should meet Kate.
OK.
Well, I'll see if Kate wants to meet you.
Has John gone? No! He's still in the spare room.
Do William and Lawrence know about? Kate? Yeah, they're fine.
You're the only fly in the ointment as far as I'm concerned.
I know you won't believe me, but I only ever have your best interests at heart, you know.
I can cook dinner on Wednesday evening, assuming Kate's not busy.
How would that fit in with you and Alan? I'll ask him.
Oh, God.
Willwill John be there? God, no.
I've taken care of John.
How? Judith.
She came round on Saturday afternoon offering to clean all the blood out of my car, by which time I'd already done it.
So, she said, "Well, if ever there's anything else I can do for you.
" So, I've just texted her just now and asked her if she can keep him occupied on Wednesday evening.
She just texted me back saying "Consider it done.
" What part of "Felicitas, Sapientia et Integritas" do you people not understand?! I wonder what Alan said to her, to make her change her mind.
I'm not bigoted.
Good.
Or small-minded.
Right.
I think, reading between the lines, he threatened to dump her.
No! Yep.
So, I reckon she's got some pretty smart talking to do this evening.
And I'm certainly not old-fashioned.
And the suggestion that my attitude towards my own daughter is distasteful I find bewildering.
See, the thing she hasn't twigged is that I no longer need her permission, approval, anything.
So, the only one who's got anything to lose this evening, whether she realises it or not, is her.
Shall we set off? If I don't like her, I shan't pretend.
Come in.
Thanks.
Supper's ready, lads! All right? All right.
All right? It's wonderful.
It's delightful.
I told all my mates at school and they think it's brilliant.
Oh! It's just so uplifting.
It's just soextraordinary.
Well, I suppose we're just lucky we came across each other again, after so many years.
Yes.
Andit's all thanks to William.
And your Raff! Yeah, and our Raff.
I'll drink to that.
They put our names on Facebook for us, you see.
Oh, I know! I know.
Caroline told me all about it.
Oh.
Well, there you go, then.
And the rest is history.
It's beautiful.
You must feel I don't know, just so special and happy, and Don't you? Do we? I don't know.
I suppose so, yes.
Did you, er, ask Caroline about chapel again? Oh, yes.
Caroline, we were thinking we might like to get married in the chapel after all.
If we've not missed the boat.
Right.
Well, I'll have another look in the diary.
Well, as I say, if we've missed the boat, we'll have to make alternative arrangements.
Do you need a choir? Oh, a choir! I run a choir, at school.
Well, there are two - there's the school choir, and then there's the staff choir, so Kate teaches music as well as modern languages.
Oh, you must be very clever.
I'm in the school choir.
That's because you're a poof.
He is.
He fainted last week.
He didn't.
He just went a bit wobbly.
He fell over and lost consciousness! Why, what happened? Nothing.
We were talking about music for the wedding.
Hymns always sound better with a bit of volume.
And we can rehearse a nice choral piece for you as well, if you like.
Oh, that would be smashing, wouldn't it, Celia? Did you have anything in mind? AhCelia's more up on those sort of things than me.
She wants to arrive to The Arrival Of The Queen of Sheba! Wow! Did we? Have anything in mind as regards choral music? Well, there's no point in worrying about the details of what music we're having till people have checked their diaries, is there? It'll be fine, surely.
Won't it, Caroline? I'll discuss it with the Bursar.
What's it got to do with him? I thought you reckoned to be the boss.
He's responsible for the bookings.
And he's not very keen on people who blow hot and cold.
Well, as I say, if it's any trouble, forget it.
OK.
We would like to be married in chapel, Caroline, if it's still an option.
Perhaps you could tell the Bursar that we're very sorry if he thinks we've messed him about.
What were you doing fainting, William? I didn't.
Judith slashed an artery and Ma got sprayed in mad alky woman bloo-ood.
Tell him to shut up.
An artery?! Not on purpose.
What was she doing here? I think she was just drunk.
Like a skunk.
Oh.
Were you here? Pussy.
Idiot! Can we just all calm down, please, because I'm going to get angry in a minute.
We wouldn't want that.
Sorry, did you say something? Nope.
Where are you going on your honeymoon? Um Well, we haven't discussed it, but, um Will you go abroad, or? Um, I don't know.
Well, we could.
Yeah, I'm easy.
It depends what Celia wants.
Can I have a word with you in another room, please? Certainly.
Excuse me.
Can you just for once in your life make a bit of effort? What is the point of you being here if you're just going to sit there like a wet weekend every time Kate opens her mouth? You wanted me to meet her.
He wanted me to meet her.
I have.
Big deal.
Can I go now? Why are you being like this? Because I can't stand seeing you make a fool of yourself.
Mum, I'm not making a fool of myself.
Only you think that.
No, love.
I'm the only one that'll tell you.
Oh, Mum, this is going to end really badly.
You're It's going to This is how people fall out with each other.
Mm.
Well, on your head be it.
No.
No.
No.
Look You've got Alan.
Why can't you just accept that I want to be with Kate, that I'm old enough to know what I want and accept it and be civilised about it instead of this excruciating pantomime? You're not in love with her.
Why are you saying that? Because you told me.
No, I didn't.
The other morning.
What are you talking about? You said, "She thinks the world of me.
" And I didn't hear you say, "And I think "the world of her back" or anything remotely like it.
All I heard was, "And I quite like her.
" I said I like her a lot! She's having you on.
Having me on?! She just wants to get promoted, reckoning to gaze at you.
Yeah, that's right, cos nobody could like me just for being me, could they? It turned my stomach when I saw her touch you.
Turned your?! She touched my hand.
Well, God knows what else you've been up to.
Oh, this was a mistake, wasn't it? Look, like I said, you wanted me to meet her.
I have.
You'd better go.
I'll be next door.
You all right, love? Yeah.
Tough as old boots, me.
Resilient, bombproof, fireproof, you name it.
I'mgoing upstairs.
I'm just going to make a quick call.
Yeah, can I order a cab, please? I'll, um She's, er, gone back round next door.
I'll, er I'll go and see if, er what she's, er I haven't even served the second course.
Hardly anything to eat.
Well, it were very nice, the starter.
Where's Lawrence? Um, I think he's, um And, er, look, thank you, Caroline.
And, er I'm sorry.
I'll, um I'll Yeah.
Thanks for No, that's Night-night, love.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Thank you.
Night-night.
Night-night, William.
Night.
When you were shouting, we could hear every word you and Granny said.
Kate? What are you doing?! I called a cab.
Why? I'm going home.
Well, why? I thought you were going to stay the night.
Yeah, well, I'm not now, so Oh, look Wow, she's hardcore, isn't she, your mum? I don't know what you heard It's fine.
It's fine.
I always knew you didn't feel the same way about me as I did about you.
But telling her that before she's even met me? No, I was just trying to explain how itstarted.
Caroline, it's fine, honestly.
I'm just going home.
Oh, come back inside.
No.
Please.
No.
I'm freezing.
I'll see you tomorrow.
The cab'll be here in a minute.
Nobody's eaten anything.
It'll save.
Come back inside.
I've got stuff to do.
No, you haven't! No, I have.
Fine.
Then I'll wait with you.
You'll freeze.
I don't care.
I might as well be dead anyway.
Caroline, go back inside.
Well, don't go.
Oh, well That's that done.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's that done.
Are you all right? No, Celia, I'm not.
I'm disappointed.
How can you sit there and say you're not bigoted and not small-minded, and then carry on like you just did? Then what did she say? Dad? Nothing.
So, I said "When I said, 'I think you ought to meet Kate,' "what I meant was that I think you ought to "try to get on with Kate.
" Then she said, "Oh, well, you didn't make that clear.
" And I said, "Well, I shouldn't have to!" And she said, "Well, Alan "at the end of the day "it's not really any of your business.
" She spoke to you like that? And what did you say? That we'd reached end o' line.
Well It's up to you.
Well, I've made it as plain as I can.
I can't pretend to be happy about something if I'm not.
I mean, it'd be dishonest.
It'd be deceitful.
She can't see how destructive it is.
Well, you know Doesn't she have a point? It is between them, isn't it, really? How can it make her happy, alienating herself from her own people, her own family, people who care about her? I'm not defending her.
I'm just trying to I don't know.
When you love someone, isn't it like warts and all? Come hell or high water? So, how have you left it? I think we've acknowledged that .
.
we've reached the end o' road.
Oh, God, that's I'm really sorry.
Dad, I'm really sorry.
Mum? Let her in.
Have you got a minute? What do you want? He's finished with me.
Alan.
Oh.
So, you'll be satisfied.
Will I? Why? Well, it's all because of this business.
How? How? Wellwho'd want to marry into a family like this? Alan didn't say that.
You embarrassed him last night.
No-one else.
Don't you dare blame me.
I don't think I can carry on.
Join the club.
Caroline, you have no idea.
Haven't I? I've been so happy.
Happier than I've been for years.
Decades! Half a bloody century! Well, if it's any consolation, Kate's finished with me.
In fact, this morning .
.
she handed her resignation in.
And that's how much she can't stand being near me any more.
So, ten out of ten.
Bingo! Hit the jackpot, got what you wanted.
"I don't want to be a nuisance.
I'd hate to be a nuisance.
"No, I'll just bugger everyone's life up for them instead by being a nasty, small-minded old bitch!" You are going to die very bitter and very, very, very lonely.
You know that, don't you? I'm heartbroken! Good! You deserve to be.
You don't deserve Alan.
He's worth a thousand of you.
Caroline! Oh, fuck off.
What's going on? Mind your own business.
Caroline, don't speak to your mother like that! She's not my mother.
I haven't got a mother! What's happened? Why don't you? Sit down.
Can I? Shall I? Do you want some tea? No, II don't want anything.
I'm sorry I said what I said at Gillian's.
It was stupid and selfish and horrible.
But true.
Yes.
Did you know? No.
I did.
Are you all right? Can I get you anything? Is there anything I can do for you? No.
Well, look, just ring.
I'm just next door if Yeah.
.
.
there's anything.
Dad? Mm? You know Robbie? Yeah.
He's asked me out with him.
I mean, like, properly.
Likean item.
Robbie? You know that night you went missing? You know I told you how good he was? Yeah.
He kind of Well, he said he thought we'd make a good team.
Me and him and Raff.
And you know I told you he apologised for all the crap? And you know, I used to see him a bit.
Before I went out with Eddie.
Did you? Yeah.
It was only cos of Robbie I ever met Eddie.
Don't you remember? I think I sometimes think that's why he got vindictive like he did when Eddie died.
Cos he'd never forgiven me for that.
Well, I don't know.
I do like him.
I've always liked him.
Do you think I'm mad? Are you all right? Oh, yeah, it'll be indigestion.
Hello.
Hello.
Have you got a minute? I love Caroline.
Of course you do.
She's your daughter.
I had an unhappy marriage.
Did you? Well, he was unfaithful.
I'm sorry.
I should have left him, but people didn't so much in those days.
No.
I stuck it out with as much dignity as I could.
But it was all pretty joyless.
And she was the one thing that kept me going.
We used to be pals.
We always had a laugh .
.
when she was at home, before she went off to college.
And after, now and again.
She always had a look of my dad.
I loved my dad.
He was very tall.
Very good-looking.
I still miss my dad every day.
It's daft, isn't it? People say that you marry someone who reminds you of your dad, but I don't think I did.
The thing that worries me The thing that worried me When she told me, when she was 18, what worried me wasI thought You see, I thought it was my fault.
Why? Projecting things onto her.
Expectations, ideas.
I don't know, with being so disappointed in Kenneth.
I mean, not on purpose.
No, Celia, listen, that's not how it works.
And then that, I thought, was my fault.
Celia Yes, stupid.
I know now.
I do.
But then I couldn't.
I'm sorry I've been so blinkered.
I've caused a lot of trouble, I know.
II just want her to be happy.
I know she doesn't believe that.
Don't leave her.
Oh! When did you come back? Alan? Alan! Oh, hello, love.
Oh, hiya.
I'm looking for Alan.
Didn't Gillian ring you? He's in hospital.
He were rushed in last night.
He had a heart attack.
Did you know he had a funny heart? He was sat there.
He just went funny.
It were horrible.
And his heart stopped once over, but they got it going again, the paramedics.
They were amazing.
I was right impressed.
But yeah, technically, for a few seconds he were dead.
Oh, Jesus Are you all right? Can I help you? I'm looking for, er, Al Er, Mr Buttershaw.
Alan Buttershaw.
He was brought in with a heart attack.
And who are you? I'm his best friend.
Celia I'd have rung, but .
.
I didn't know how things were between you.
I mean, he told me you'd split up.
And then He's been so unhappy, and then Mum You haven't really fallen out, have you? Oh, it was all my fault.
But I've put everything right now.
And I need him to know I've put everything right.
Come out here.
I, um Paul told me what happened.
OK.
Well, um The thing is, it's bad what happened.
They're worried that there was, er, a lot of damage done, and, um They're saying that .
.
we've got to be brave, because it's probably just a matter of .
.
time.
Has he been conscious? At all? Have you been here all night? Can I sit with him for a bit? I've things I need to tell him.
Of course.
He was disappointed with me.
I know he was.
But I've made everything right now.
Tell him.
Don't go.
Not yet.
We've still got to have a lot of laughs, you and me.
Right, well .
.
the good news is that I'm not bigoted or small-minded, as it turns out.
What it was wasit was me.
It's all psychobabble and rubbish, probably, but .
.
I was blaming myself for her being the other way inclined.
That was why I was hoping it would go away if I played hardball long enough.
But I've been on the road to Damascus and come out the other side.
They're back together, anyway, the ladies.
So, I'm hoping that I'm assuming that you and I are back on vis-a-vis the wedding.
So, I just thought I'd take you through the itinerary, Mr Buttershaw.
Just speak up if there's anything you're not happy with.
What's she talking to him about? God knows.
Mum Hello, love.
I love you.
I know you do.
I am sorry about all those things I said to you yesterday.
It doesn't matter.
It's forgotten.
How is he? Not good.
I've brought you some things.
A flask.
I made you some sandwiches.
And a Daily Mail.
Oh Aren't you? You are, you know.
You're perfect.
So are you.
No, I'm not.
I think you are.
Well, you're not, but you're very entertaining.
Yeah.
Never a dull moment.
Hey, Alan? 'Celia! Celia! 'Hello, Alan! Are you doing owt next Tuesday?' Celia! I didn't see you there.
Oh, hello, Alan! How's things? I'm just going up to corner shop.
I could walk up wi' you.
What you fetching? Oh, I don't know.
A tin of peas and some firelighters for me mother.
Is that what you're having for your tea? Yeah! Not the firelighters! What are you having? Oh, I don't know.
What day is it? Wednesday.
It'll be sausages.
Burnt, no doubt, if me mother's got anything to do with it! How's Jessops? Yeah, great, I love it.
How's Co-op? Not so bad.
Well, see you, then.
Yeah, I'll see you, then.
Celia? Yeah? Are Are you doing owt next Tuesday? Only there's We could If you fancied Tuesday? What time? Six o'clock? I could meet you by bridge, or we could go and see summat at flicks.
Smashing.
I always knew you'd turn up eventually.
Even if it took you 60 years.
Hello! I think I thought Did I come to see you last night? Or were I dreaming? Yes! You did! You came to see me.
I wanted to say sorry.
And I love you.
And I don't care.
You've a lovely face.
Oh, so have you.
I went round to Kate's house last night.
Kate? They're back together.
Oh! And you'll never guess What? You can play the organ? What, like the full, big Grade 8.
So, I said to her, "Oh, you'll know The Arrival Of The Queen Of Sheba, then.
"That'll be coming in handy!" (Handel's "The Arrival Of The Queen Of Sheba" plays)
I haven't a clue where John is.
-Celia! Oh, God Has something happened with Caroline? She's been having it off with another woman! What woman? It's out of a machine, I don't know what it'll taste like.
You Could you do with something to eat? No.
He's a trouble-maker, that one.
As I say, he'll have got hold of the wrong end o' stick.
Or he's just lashing out, saying first damned silly thing that's come into his head.
She When she was 18, she told me.
19.
End of her first year at Oxford.
She came home.
I hardly recognised her.
Skinny as a rake.
And she'd cut all her lovely long hair off.
Told you what? I said, "Well, for God's sake, don't tell your father.
"Or anyone else.
Not round here.
" No, I didn't want folk pointing, saying things.
Not for me, not for my sake.
For hers.
Some folks seemed to think she was enough of an oddity having a brain and getting in at Oxford.
What folk? Oh, folk.
So, what happened? Well, nothing.
Nothing.
Er Did she havea friend, or? There was one girl.
I did wonder.
You know when they say a name once too often, in a particular way.
But it wasn't anybody she ever brought home.
And then, I don't know, few years passed and she met John.
And that was it.
It was forgotten.
It was only ever mentioned that once.
I suppose I imagined she'd got over it.
How do you get on? They stitched her up.
Took her back to her flat.
God! What a dump.
He left me and the boys and this house to go and live in that squalid little hovel with her.
Well, love is blind.
And a form of madness.
Was William all right? He's asleep.
I think they both are.
So do you want the bad news first, or the even worse news? Oh, just as it comes.
Gillian rang.
John's been over there, at her place John has? Telling your mum all about us.
And she got upset, apparently, your mum did, and she's on her way over here.
Now, with Alan.
Well, they can't drive in the dark! They can't see properly, either of them! Well, I And anyway, John doesn't know all about us specifically.
I didn't Well, my name was mentioned.
And the thing is, Lawrence took the call.
So, now he knows as well.
So Well, what did he? Shocked.
Subdued.
Certainly didn't want to hang around with me much after that.
I said you'd pop up and look at him when you got in.
He didn't go straight on Facebook? No! No, nothing like that.
But it sounds like your mum took it quite badly.
What the hell was John doing at Gillian's? Well, shit-stirring, by the sound of it.
It's so far below the belt, it's Even for him.
I mean, God, she's 75! Yeah, well, he's lashing out, isn't he? I'd better go and look at Lawrence.
Yeah.
Listen, Caroline, I'm going to get off home.
Unless you want me here when your mum No.
Not yet.
I'm sorry.
It's not been much of a birthday.
Doesn't matter.
Night, then.
Night.
Ring me.
Lawrence? Are you awake? I love you.
I don't want people being mean to you.
Nobody's going to be mean to me.
I won't let them.
I'm big.
Believe me, I can handle mean.
Good morning! All right? Oh.
Morning.
Morning, Gillian.
How do.
You're up early.
Early? It's gone half past seven.
There's a pot of tea on the Aga.
How How are you this morning? I'll be happier when I've sorted out this pigging clutch! Is there anything I can do? How likely is that on a scale of one to ten? Yeah.
No, fair enough.
We made love.
You were upset, it was my birthday, we were both a bit pissed.
I Go pour yourself some tea.
I Then you'd better ring Caroline.
Cos I think you owe her one hell of an apology, trouble you caused last night.
They got back safe, you'll be pleased to hear.
It was ten past midnight.
She texted me.
It's no small thing, you know, finding out that your wife's been Yes.
We got the picture.
Very vividly.
Yesterday.
All of us.
Go pour yourself some tea, posh bloke.
Who are you? That's Paul.
He was here yesterday.
You have met him.
No, I mean, what is he? I'm gigolo.
You been at it wi' 'im? What's it to you? Slapper.
He is a very erudite man.
So am I.
Yeah, you don't know what it means.
Yeah, but ifI did, I would be.
Yeah, good point, Paul.
Can't argue with that! Hello.
She's in bathroom.
I'll give her a shout.
Celia? Caroline's here.
Is she all right? I appreciate you didn't want to talk last night, but I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that you heard what you heard the way you heard it.
I wanted to tell you myself properly, but obviously John I don't even know why John was there.
Why was John there? You know as much as me.
I might wander down road, see if I can get a newspaper.
No, there's no need.
Can I can fetch anything while I'm out? You don't have to go out.
I fancy a bit of fresh air.
I'd rather you didn't.
Anything you've got to say to me, you can say to Alan.
OK.
Well, look, I don't know exactly what's been said because I've had it third-hand from Gillian, via Lawrence, via someone else.
And, um Well I'm assuming it's nonsense.
Can I sit down? It's your house.
Oh, Mum! OK.
So When John went to live with Judith, well, you know I found it difficult for a while, and some people were very supportive - you were, you were very kind - and there was this person at school who, equally, was verythoughtful and went out of her way to cheer me up.
And people don't as a rule.
I thinkpeople are scared of me or they think I don't need a kind word now and again.
But she didn't think like that, and we became close.
And then she told me she had a bit of a .
.
crush on me, andone thing led to another.
She thinks the world of me and I think a lot about her, and it's what I want.
Why can't you just be friends? Mum I don't know why there's this sudden It's not sudden.
You've been married to that nitwit for the last 20 years.
You can't just switch I've known since I was I once talked to you about it.
Do you remember, when I was at university? You've probably forgotten.
Why did you marry John? Because I liked him.
I loved him.
Because he asked me.
And I thought we could have a good life together.
And we did until he Well, I'm sure there's plenty more men out there who'd be more than Oh, Mum! Just try and get it.
I'm too old to pretend any more.
I'd like you, both of you, to meet Kate.
Is that her name? No, she's called Zanzibar Buck Buck McFate.
I just call her Kate for short, it's easier! No, thank you.
I don't think we do want to meet her.
She's called Kate McKenzie.
She's nice, she's kind, she's thoughtful, she's Is she Scottish? No, she's Nigerian.
No, I mean she is Nigerian.
That wasn't me beingsarcastic.
Well, I think me and Alan have decided against the school chapel.
Why? We'll make our own arrangements.
Right.
And I think it would be better if I moved out.
You'll have more space then anyway, won't you? Soplan.
Plan is er, Registry Office.
In Halifax.
Then She wants me to give Darren and Kimberley notice to quit cottage.
Either that or rent somewhere.
You don't want to rent.
Not if the long-term plan is to buy.
It's just a waste of money.
And I thought she had, like, an allergic reaction to the Registry Office.
Yeah, I know.
Well, but Why does she have to move out so fast? Is she frightened she's going to get infected with lesbian spores? Well, you know as much as me.
Well, I don't know that I do, Dad, but What's up with Caroline being a bit of a dyke anyway? Well, I did raise that question.
Not quite in so many words.
And what did she say? You'd not be saying that if it was your Gillian.
I stopped worrying about who our Gillian slept with years ago.
I had to.
I'd have had a nervous breakdown if I hadn't! Except you never do stop worrying.
I know, I understand that, but .
.
if this Kate's a nice person, and it sounds very much like she is, well, surely that's what matters.
Eh? Isn't it? I think you just need time to get used to it.
That's all.
Surely.
Celia? It's nowt these days! Nobody bats an eyelid.
Oh, they do.
THEY do.
People like to pretend they don't, but they do.
But I tried to persuade her that she should meet this Kate.
But she wouldn't even entertain the idea.
Course, none of it would've arisen if that dozy bugger hadn't been round her house last night shooting his mouth off.
DOOR SHUTS I specifically asked you not to tell my mum.
I said, "Tell who the hell you like, but let me tell the boys and my mum.
" I didn't plan it.
You didn't plan it? What do you mean, you didn't plan it? You drove 60 miles over to Halifax - how is that not planning it? II wanted to talk to Gillian.
Gillian.
Gillian and I that time you drove off without me, after the engagement party, shewe She was very supportive and sympathetic, and I needed someone to talk to.
I knew you were infatuated with her.
She's very Look, I went to talk to Gillian.
I didn't go to talk to Celia.
That's the point.
You probably don't believe me, but I forgot Celia was there.
Is she all right? No, she isn't.
And I knew she wouldn't be, which was why I wanted to What's the point? OK, well, look I'm sorry, I am sorry, but .
.
I was upset.
Would it help if I apologised to her? No, it wouldn't.
It'd make things worse.
And I'd like it if you kept right out of anything to do with me from now on, OK? Where are the boys? Cinema.
Can I ask you something, just out of interest? Out of all thehundreds thousands of times we had sex .
.
what were you thinking about? Do you mean, was I dreaming about other people? I don't know.
I can't remember.
Possibly.
You know when you were screwing me at the same time you were screwing Judith? What were you thinking about? Yes, OK, but the point I I was a good wife.
You were the one who blew it, John, not me.
How long have you known this thing about yourself? I assume it's not something you cooked up last week.
John, this is no reflection on you, if that's what you're bothered about.
I married you because I liked you.
A lot.
I liked having sex with you.
I'm sorry if that doesn't compute, but it's true.
I liked you, I loved you! I wanted to have children with you and I wanted to grow old with you.
You see I feel used.
Used? You feel used? I'll tell you something.
I was round at Judith's flat last night, bizarrely, not through choice - I'll explain why in a minute.
You left me and the boys and this house to go and live in that shit-hole with, I think, possibly one of the most vulnerable women I've ever met.
How useless, how drab do you think that makes me feel? You always manage to twist everything round to you.
Yes, well, I have the great advantage of having me on my side.
What were you doing round at her flat? I was having sex with her.
That was a joke.
She slashed one of her wrists in the front garden.
Here? Mm.
Not intentionally.
She was just pissed, it wasn't that dramatic.
Well, actually, it was.
William fainted.
She was looking for you.
She thought she'd upset you.
She said she wanted to apologise to you.
Oh, God.
At nine o'clock last night, I was propping her up in casualty, covered in blood.
As birthdays go, it was one of the more memorable ones.
Oh, no! It was your Don't bother.
Will Celia be all right? I don't know.
She's not speaking to me.
Yeah! Die, boy, die! Oi! How did you do that? Numb nuts.
Grandad's back! Grandad! Mr Buttershaw! You can play me, Grandad, when I've slaughtered this dilbert.
No, no! You're all right.
I'll get the kettle on.
Is Celia all right? Hm? Er, well Ah-ha-ha-ha! She reads Daily Mail, Celia.
Did I tell you? How long have you known this? Oh, first time I went over, I spotted one.
She says she only buys it for telly page, but I'm not convinced.
Jesus, Dad! It doesn't surprise me, if I'm being honest.
Her buying Daily Mail.
This morning .
.
she disappointed me, way she spoke to Caroline.
I was shocked.
I know she likes to call a spade a bloody shovel now and again, and well, it is part of her charm but it obviously wasn't easy for lass, saying what she had to say, and it was just so unkind.
So unthinking.
So deep-rooted.
You're not going to fall out with her, though, are you? Dad? Is Dad going to move out? I don't know.
Is Miss McKenzie going to move in? I don't know.
Do people at school know about you and Miss McKenzie? No.
Mum.
Granny.
Can I help you? Can I have a word with you? Alan rang last night.
I drove him to the station on Thursday morning and then he didn't ring till last night.
That's the longest we've gone not speaking to each other since we met up again.
Do you want to get to the point? He thinks I should meet Kate.
OK.
Well, I'll see if Kate wants to meet you.
Has John gone? No! He's still in the spare room.
Do William and Lawrence know about? Kate? Yeah, they're fine.
You're the only fly in the ointment as far as I'm concerned.
I know you won't believe me, but I only ever have your best interests at heart, you know.
I can cook dinner on Wednesday evening, assuming Kate's not busy.
How would that fit in with you and Alan? I'll ask him.
Oh, God.
Willwill John be there? God, no.
I've taken care of John.
How? Judith.
She came round on Saturday afternoon offering to clean all the blood out of my car, by which time I'd already done it.
So, she said, "Well, if ever there's anything else I can do for you.
" So, I've just texted her just now and asked her if she can keep him occupied on Wednesday evening.
She just texted me back saying "Consider it done.
" What part of "Felicitas, Sapientia et Integritas" do you people not understand?! I wonder what Alan said to her, to make her change her mind.
I'm not bigoted.
Good.
Or small-minded.
Right.
I think, reading between the lines, he threatened to dump her.
No! Yep.
So, I reckon she's got some pretty smart talking to do this evening.
And I'm certainly not old-fashioned.
And the suggestion that my attitude towards my own daughter is distasteful I find bewildering.
See, the thing she hasn't twigged is that I no longer need her permission, approval, anything.
So, the only one who's got anything to lose this evening, whether she realises it or not, is her.
Shall we set off? If I don't like her, I shan't pretend.
Come in.
Thanks.
Supper's ready, lads! All right? All right.
All right? It's wonderful.
It's delightful.
I told all my mates at school and they think it's brilliant.
Oh! It's just so uplifting.
It's just soextraordinary.
Well, I suppose we're just lucky we came across each other again, after so many years.
Yes.
Andit's all thanks to William.
And your Raff! Yeah, and our Raff.
I'll drink to that.
They put our names on Facebook for us, you see.
Oh, I know! I know.
Caroline told me all about it.
Oh.
Well, there you go, then.
And the rest is history.
It's beautiful.
You must feel I don't know, just so special and happy, and Don't you? Do we? I don't know.
I suppose so, yes.
Did you, er, ask Caroline about chapel again? Oh, yes.
Caroline, we were thinking we might like to get married in the chapel after all.
If we've not missed the boat.
Right.
Well, I'll have another look in the diary.
Well, as I say, if we've missed the boat, we'll have to make alternative arrangements.
Do you need a choir? Oh, a choir! I run a choir, at school.
Well, there are two - there's the school choir, and then there's the staff choir, so Kate teaches music as well as modern languages.
Oh, you must be very clever.
I'm in the school choir.
That's because you're a poof.
He is.
He fainted last week.
He didn't.
He just went a bit wobbly.
He fell over and lost consciousness! Why, what happened? Nothing.
We were talking about music for the wedding.
Hymns always sound better with a bit of volume.
And we can rehearse a nice choral piece for you as well, if you like.
Oh, that would be smashing, wouldn't it, Celia? Did you have anything in mind? AhCelia's more up on those sort of things than me.
She wants to arrive to The Arrival Of The Queen of Sheba! Wow! Did we? Have anything in mind as regards choral music? Well, there's no point in worrying about the details of what music we're having till people have checked their diaries, is there? It'll be fine, surely.
Won't it, Caroline? I'll discuss it with the Bursar.
What's it got to do with him? I thought you reckoned to be the boss.
He's responsible for the bookings.
And he's not very keen on people who blow hot and cold.
Well, as I say, if it's any trouble, forget it.
OK.
We would like to be married in chapel, Caroline, if it's still an option.
Perhaps you could tell the Bursar that we're very sorry if he thinks we've messed him about.
What were you doing fainting, William? I didn't.
Judith slashed an artery and Ma got sprayed in mad alky woman bloo-ood.
Tell him to shut up.
An artery?! Not on purpose.
What was she doing here? I think she was just drunk.
Like a skunk.
Oh.
Were you here? Pussy.
Idiot! Can we just all calm down, please, because I'm going to get angry in a minute.
We wouldn't want that.
Sorry, did you say something? Nope.
Where are you going on your honeymoon? Um Well, we haven't discussed it, but, um Will you go abroad, or? Um, I don't know.
Well, we could.
Yeah, I'm easy.
It depends what Celia wants.
Can I have a word with you in another room, please? Certainly.
Excuse me.
Can you just for once in your life make a bit of effort? What is the point of you being here if you're just going to sit there like a wet weekend every time Kate opens her mouth? You wanted me to meet her.
He wanted me to meet her.
I have.
Big deal.
Can I go now? Why are you being like this? Because I can't stand seeing you make a fool of yourself.
Mum, I'm not making a fool of myself.
Only you think that.
No, love.
I'm the only one that'll tell you.
Oh, Mum, this is going to end really badly.
You're It's going to This is how people fall out with each other.
Mm.
Well, on your head be it.
No.
No.
No.
Look You've got Alan.
Why can't you just accept that I want to be with Kate, that I'm old enough to know what I want and accept it and be civilised about it instead of this excruciating pantomime? You're not in love with her.
Why are you saying that? Because you told me.
No, I didn't.
The other morning.
What are you talking about? You said, "She thinks the world of me.
" And I didn't hear you say, "And I think "the world of her back" or anything remotely like it.
All I heard was, "And I quite like her.
" I said I like her a lot! She's having you on.
Having me on?! She just wants to get promoted, reckoning to gaze at you.
Yeah, that's right, cos nobody could like me just for being me, could they? It turned my stomach when I saw her touch you.
Turned your?! She touched my hand.
Well, God knows what else you've been up to.
Oh, this was a mistake, wasn't it? Look, like I said, you wanted me to meet her.
I have.
You'd better go.
I'll be next door.
You all right, love? Yeah.
Tough as old boots, me.
Resilient, bombproof, fireproof, you name it.
I'mgoing upstairs.
I'm just going to make a quick call.
Yeah, can I order a cab, please? I'll, um She's, er, gone back round next door.
I'll, er I'll go and see if, er what she's, er I haven't even served the second course.
Hardly anything to eat.
Well, it were very nice, the starter.
Where's Lawrence? Um, I think he's, um And, er, look, thank you, Caroline.
And, er I'm sorry.
I'll, um I'll Yeah.
Thanks for No, that's Night-night, love.
Yeah.
Sorry.
Thank you.
Night-night.
Night-night, William.
Night.
When you were shouting, we could hear every word you and Granny said.
Kate? What are you doing?! I called a cab.
Why? I'm going home.
Well, why? I thought you were going to stay the night.
Yeah, well, I'm not now, so Oh, look Wow, she's hardcore, isn't she, your mum? I don't know what you heard It's fine.
It's fine.
I always knew you didn't feel the same way about me as I did about you.
But telling her that before she's even met me? No, I was just trying to explain how itstarted.
Caroline, it's fine, honestly.
I'm just going home.
Oh, come back inside.
No.
Please.
No.
I'm freezing.
I'll see you tomorrow.
The cab'll be here in a minute.
Nobody's eaten anything.
It'll save.
Come back inside.
I've got stuff to do.
No, you haven't! No, I have.
Fine.
Then I'll wait with you.
You'll freeze.
I don't care.
I might as well be dead anyway.
Caroline, go back inside.
Well, don't go.
Oh, well That's that done.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's that done.
Are you all right? No, Celia, I'm not.
I'm disappointed.
How can you sit there and say you're not bigoted and not small-minded, and then carry on like you just did? Then what did she say? Dad? Nothing.
So, I said "When I said, 'I think you ought to meet Kate,' "what I meant was that I think you ought to "try to get on with Kate.
" Then she said, "Oh, well, you didn't make that clear.
" And I said, "Well, I shouldn't have to!" And she said, "Well, Alan "at the end of the day "it's not really any of your business.
" She spoke to you like that? And what did you say? That we'd reached end o' line.
Well It's up to you.
Well, I've made it as plain as I can.
I can't pretend to be happy about something if I'm not.
I mean, it'd be dishonest.
It'd be deceitful.
She can't see how destructive it is.
Well, you know Doesn't she have a point? It is between them, isn't it, really? How can it make her happy, alienating herself from her own people, her own family, people who care about her? I'm not defending her.
I'm just trying to I don't know.
When you love someone, isn't it like warts and all? Come hell or high water? So, how have you left it? I think we've acknowledged that .
.
we've reached the end o' road.
Oh, God, that's I'm really sorry.
Dad, I'm really sorry.
Mum? Let her in.
Have you got a minute? What do you want? He's finished with me.
Alan.
Oh.
So, you'll be satisfied.
Will I? Why? Well, it's all because of this business.
How? How? Wellwho'd want to marry into a family like this? Alan didn't say that.
You embarrassed him last night.
No-one else.
Don't you dare blame me.
I don't think I can carry on.
Join the club.
Caroline, you have no idea.
Haven't I? I've been so happy.
Happier than I've been for years.
Decades! Half a bloody century! Well, if it's any consolation, Kate's finished with me.
In fact, this morning .
.
she handed her resignation in.
And that's how much she can't stand being near me any more.
So, ten out of ten.
Bingo! Hit the jackpot, got what you wanted.
"I don't want to be a nuisance.
I'd hate to be a nuisance.
"No, I'll just bugger everyone's life up for them instead by being a nasty, small-minded old bitch!" You are going to die very bitter and very, very, very lonely.
You know that, don't you? I'm heartbroken! Good! You deserve to be.
You don't deserve Alan.
He's worth a thousand of you.
Caroline! Oh, fuck off.
What's going on? Mind your own business.
Caroline, don't speak to your mother like that! She's not my mother.
I haven't got a mother! What's happened? Why don't you? Sit down.
Can I? Shall I? Do you want some tea? No, II don't want anything.
I'm sorry I said what I said at Gillian's.
It was stupid and selfish and horrible.
But true.
Yes.
Did you know? No.
I did.
Are you all right? Can I get you anything? Is there anything I can do for you? No.
Well, look, just ring.
I'm just next door if Yeah.
.
.
there's anything.
Dad? Mm? You know Robbie? Yeah.
He's asked me out with him.
I mean, like, properly.
Likean item.
Robbie? You know that night you went missing? You know I told you how good he was? Yeah.
He kind of Well, he said he thought we'd make a good team.
Me and him and Raff.
And you know I told you he apologised for all the crap? And you know, I used to see him a bit.
Before I went out with Eddie.
Did you? Yeah.
It was only cos of Robbie I ever met Eddie.
Don't you remember? I think I sometimes think that's why he got vindictive like he did when Eddie died.
Cos he'd never forgiven me for that.
Well, I don't know.
I do like him.
I've always liked him.
Do you think I'm mad? Are you all right? Oh, yeah, it'll be indigestion.
Hello.
Hello.
Have you got a minute? I love Caroline.
Of course you do.
She's your daughter.
I had an unhappy marriage.
Did you? Well, he was unfaithful.
I'm sorry.
I should have left him, but people didn't so much in those days.
No.
I stuck it out with as much dignity as I could.
But it was all pretty joyless.
And she was the one thing that kept me going.
We used to be pals.
We always had a laugh .
.
when she was at home, before she went off to college.
And after, now and again.
She always had a look of my dad.
I loved my dad.
He was very tall.
Very good-looking.
I still miss my dad every day.
It's daft, isn't it? People say that you marry someone who reminds you of your dad, but I don't think I did.
The thing that worries me The thing that worried me When she told me, when she was 18, what worried me wasI thought You see, I thought it was my fault.
Why? Projecting things onto her.
Expectations, ideas.
I don't know, with being so disappointed in Kenneth.
I mean, not on purpose.
No, Celia, listen, that's not how it works.
And then that, I thought, was my fault.
Celia Yes, stupid.
I know now.
I do.
But then I couldn't.
I'm sorry I've been so blinkered.
I've caused a lot of trouble, I know.
II just want her to be happy.
I know she doesn't believe that.
Don't leave her.
Oh! When did you come back? Alan? Alan! Oh, hello, love.
Oh, hiya.
I'm looking for Alan.
Didn't Gillian ring you? He's in hospital.
He were rushed in last night.
He had a heart attack.
Did you know he had a funny heart? He was sat there.
He just went funny.
It were horrible.
And his heart stopped once over, but they got it going again, the paramedics.
They were amazing.
I was right impressed.
But yeah, technically, for a few seconds he were dead.
Oh, Jesus Are you all right? Can I help you? I'm looking for, er, Al Er, Mr Buttershaw.
Alan Buttershaw.
He was brought in with a heart attack.
And who are you? I'm his best friend.
Celia I'd have rung, but .
.
I didn't know how things were between you.
I mean, he told me you'd split up.
And then He's been so unhappy, and then Mum You haven't really fallen out, have you? Oh, it was all my fault.
But I've put everything right now.
And I need him to know I've put everything right.
Come out here.
I, um Paul told me what happened.
OK.
Well, um The thing is, it's bad what happened.
They're worried that there was, er, a lot of damage done, and, um They're saying that .
.
we've got to be brave, because it's probably just a matter of .
.
time.
Has he been conscious? At all? Have you been here all night? Can I sit with him for a bit? I've things I need to tell him.
Of course.
He was disappointed with me.
I know he was.
But I've made everything right now.
Tell him.
Don't go.
Not yet.
We've still got to have a lot of laughs, you and me.
Right, well .
.
the good news is that I'm not bigoted or small-minded, as it turns out.
What it was wasit was me.
It's all psychobabble and rubbish, probably, but .
.
I was blaming myself for her being the other way inclined.
That was why I was hoping it would go away if I played hardball long enough.
But I've been on the road to Damascus and come out the other side.
They're back together, anyway, the ladies.
So, I'm hoping that I'm assuming that you and I are back on vis-a-vis the wedding.
So, I just thought I'd take you through the itinerary, Mr Buttershaw.
Just speak up if there's anything you're not happy with.
What's she talking to him about? God knows.
Mum Hello, love.
I love you.
I know you do.
I am sorry about all those things I said to you yesterday.
It doesn't matter.
It's forgotten.
How is he? Not good.
I've brought you some things.
A flask.
I made you some sandwiches.
And a Daily Mail.
Oh Aren't you? You are, you know.
You're perfect.
So are you.
No, I'm not.
I think you are.
Well, you're not, but you're very entertaining.
Yeah.
Never a dull moment.
Hey, Alan? 'Celia! Celia! 'Hello, Alan! Are you doing owt next Tuesday?' Celia! I didn't see you there.
Oh, hello, Alan! How's things? I'm just going up to corner shop.
I could walk up wi' you.
What you fetching? Oh, I don't know.
A tin of peas and some firelighters for me mother.
Is that what you're having for your tea? Yeah! Not the firelighters! What are you having? Oh, I don't know.
What day is it? Wednesday.
It'll be sausages.
Burnt, no doubt, if me mother's got anything to do with it! How's Jessops? Yeah, great, I love it.
How's Co-op? Not so bad.
Well, see you, then.
Yeah, I'll see you, then.
Celia? Yeah? Are Are you doing owt next Tuesday? Only there's We could If you fancied Tuesday? What time? Six o'clock? I could meet you by bridge, or we could go and see summat at flicks.
Smashing.
I always knew you'd turn up eventually.
Even if it took you 60 years.
Hello! I think I thought Did I come to see you last night? Or were I dreaming? Yes! You did! You came to see me.
I wanted to say sorry.
And I love you.
And I don't care.
You've a lovely face.
Oh, so have you.
I went round to Kate's house last night.
Kate? They're back together.
Oh! And you'll never guess What? You can play the organ? What, like the full, big Grade 8.
So, I said to her, "Oh, you'll know The Arrival Of The Queen Of Sheba, then.
"That'll be coming in handy!" (Handel's "The Arrival Of The Queen Of Sheba" plays)