Lead Balloon (2006) s01e06 Episode Script
Fatty
- (Applause ) - Thank you, and welcome back to The Adam Greene Show.
We're very lucky to have a comedian we've tried to get on the show for a long time.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's Rick Spleen! (Applause ) Now, Rick, I must have first seen you - erm, it's gotta be ten years ago now - in a little club, and you were doing a skit about smoking.
Yeah, that's right, it was about the time when cigarette packets came out with health warnings on for the first time.
It started me thinking, what if other There was a really funny guy on the bill as well.
A skinny guy, who played the accordion, what was his name? Er, I think it was Chris Logan, yeah.
- Chris Logan, that's it! He was a funny bloke.
- Yeah.
- He was really funny.
(Chuckles ) - Yeah, he was great.
Chris Logan, er, he used to do this routine about, erm, his dad told him when he was a kid that the ice-cream van only played music when it had run out of ice cream! - (Audience laugh) - That's a really, really old routine - It's very funny, isn't it? - Yeah.
- That's quite well observed.
- Not by him, though.
- So what happened to him, Chris Logan? - I don't know, he just disappeared, I guess.
Right, cos you seem to be doing, er, the exact opposite.
- Sorry, what - Well, you're not disappearing, you're - You're getting bigger and bigger.
- (Laughter) I don't think so, n-not really, no.
- You're piling on the pounds.
- I haven't put on any weight actually.
Mind you, we like him this size, don't we? - (Audience ) Yes! - Yes, we like him a bit fuller figure.
- (Laughter) - I haven't put on weight, but anyway Ladies and gentlemen, the mystery of who ate all the pies has been solved.
It's my guest, Rick Spleen.
- (Laughter) - Work out a bit, and maybe (Applause, Rick inaudible ) I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain Why would he say that? Did he think I'd be pleased? Sounds like he touched a nerve.
He should know, nobody likes to have that said to them.
Thin people don't have to put up with that.
Well, no, because they're thin.
What did you say when he said that? - What did you say? - It doesn't matter, they'll edit it out.
Come on.
Do you think I've put on weight? What does it matter if you have, a little bit? (Sighs ) Magda, would you say this to someone? If you thought they'd put on weight would you just come out and tell them? Well, maybe you have in last few months I don't mean me, I didn't mean have I put on weight.
- But if you are happy - What's that, Magda? Old woman has lost cat, - ''Moggsy''.
- Oh, that's Doris's cat.
- Who the hell's Doris? - The old lady that lives across the road.
She loves that cat.
Rick, can you check the garage? - Oh, it won't be in there.
- Well, check it anyway.
- Ohh, reward, bless her.
- (Magda ) Cat is very old.
Maybe it's gone away to die.
Nah, it won't be that, Magda.
It'll have been stolen by vivisectionists and given pig's trotters and a monkey's brain by now.
Why don't you nip round and tell Doris that? Should cheer her up.
It'd be better coming from Magda, wouldn't it? Then out of nowhere he says, ''You've put on weight, haven't you?'' Yes, I have, Adam.
I'm hoping to gain another 150 lbs - to become like one of your regular viewers.
- Yeah.
Which is pretty much exactly what I said.
Course they'll edit it, so as not to offend their bed-ridden audience.
So what do we got today? Oh, it's this piece I said I'd write for the paper.
- I mean, why say that? - You're right, it's personal.
- Nobody likes to be told that.
- None of his business.
It's just creates a bad atmosphere to say that.
So what if you have? He was outta line, he shouldn't have said it.
- But you think I have? - I'm not saying that.
No, no, no, I'm agreeing with you.
I'm just saying he shouldn't have said it, it's like saying, ''So, what's with the receding hairline?'' I'm gonna make some coffee, you want some coffee? - Yeah.
- Want a cookie with that? Oh, no, better not.
Hi, Dad.
- Hi.
- Er, you know, um You know your little DVD player thing? - The portable one? Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
Um, it's not workingdunno - I opened it up - You opened it up? Yeah, yeah, he looked in the back and couldn't see anything wrong.
You know way around the inside of a DVD player? Er, no, not that much.
No.
- It's probably best you just get a new one.
- Oh, right.
- Panasonic are very good.
- Thank you.
What is that symbolon your shirt? It's, er, free running, parkour.
WhIt's a band or what? No, Dad, it's like free running.
Ermyeah, you jump on stuff and that, it's like, you can use the street as a gym, you can use anything, really.
Walls, bollards, whatever.
So what, you just go round jumping on stuff? Well, jumping, rolling - Rolling as well?.
- Yeah, there's like load of different moves.
Marty, you heard of this parkour thing where you Free running.
Sure, yeah.
Hey, it's too bad about this cat.
You guys see a cat? - Did you check the garage? - Yeah, I'll look later.
Yeah, I will as well.
In general, I mean.
Notthe garage.
- OK.
- Sure you don't want acookie? No thanks.
Mmm.
Oh! They're good.
I tell you what, I'll just leave 'em here They, er, do ones that record now as well.
Right.
- This the column? - Yeah.
- ''Ten things I'd change about the world''? - Yeah.
II know it's cheesy but it pays well.
All right, come on.
What do you want to change about the world? It's one of those things.
You sit down and do it, it's not that easy.
You gotta be original, you can't just put any rubbish.
What did they guy who did it last week put? OK, what do we got? Actor, Daniel K Roberts - Oh, no - Known for his portrayal of an epileptic priest in Gregory Daniels' TV drama, Broken Chalice.
(Groans ) Oh, he's dreadful.
Oh, look at him.
Wearing a scarf for the photo.
''Ten things I'd change about the world.
Number one.
''Why must people who live in town drive those ghastly, gas-guzzling 4x4s?'' So if they hit you there's more of a chance of permanent injury.
''Number two'' Actually, that is quite good Maybe we should ask Michael for ideas.
Hey, Michael what would you change about the world? Oh, that's an interesting one.
Um I'd like to do something about the homeless.
That's good.
Shocking.
Oh, makes you despair.
The way they dribble and swear and mess up the place with their stinking sleeping bags and cardboard boxes.
I mean, if they were dogs, we would put them to sleep.
- Shoot the lot of them, I say.
- So do I.
But these days you're not allowed to say that.
Unless you want to be accused of spoiling the carol service.
Anyway, can I tempt you with dessert? Yeah, I'll have a brownie with extra cream.
Sure.
(Exhales ) Well, there you go.
Shoot the homeless.
One down, nine to go.
All right, come on.
What else has been annoying you recently? - Apart from Michael?.
- Yeah.
What else has been annoyin' ya? - Ben.
- What's wrong with Ben? He broke that DVD player of mine.
- The little one? - Yeah! It wasn't working so he unscrewed the back to try and fix it.
- You just bought that.
- I know.
Bloody annoying.
I've got the guarantee, so I'll take it back and - Not if he took the back off.
- Mm? No.
Guarantee's invalid - if it's been tampered with.
- They won't know.
They will if the seal's broken.
Why d'you let him? I didn't let him! I didn't even let him use it.
He just took it, broke it, unscrewed the back so the seal is broken and then presented me with it, like a dog bringing in a dead rabbit.
Now he's expecting me to get a new one.
Bloody Ben.
Can you imagine him doing all that jumping around on buildings and stuff? I can't even imagine him getting out of bed for a crap.
Let alone leaping off railings and rolling around on roofs.
Hey, if the old lady doesn't find her cat, we can give her Ben.
Dripping taps.
That's another thing I'd change.
There's a neighbour's overflow outside my bedroom window and it drips.
Lying awake in bed at night it's a constant blip blipblip blip blipblip I can see how that would annoy.
- Enjoy your brownie.
- Rick, you sure you don't want one? - Yeah.
Thank you.
- Watching the weight? - Not really, no.
- Wasn't gonna say anything but, er Anyway Mmm! This is good.
Sure you won't have some? - Yeah, thanks.
- Have some.
I'll get an extra spoon, we can share.
Oh, thanks(!) Then this afternoon let's go and see a musical.
- How's it reading? - It's sort of coming together.
(Rustling) (Pop) Sorry.
You want one? - How come you're eating crisps? - I know! Ever have those days when you're hungry all day? I should start smoking.
This'd be an ideal moment for a cigarette.
Want one? - No, thank you.
- Go ahead.
Roast chicken.
Yeah, I can see that.
- You used to like these.
- I'm working.
I don't need to stuff my face in order to concentrate.
All right? OK.
Just, if you change your mind there they are.
Magda, oh! D'you get them? I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm starving.
- Hope they are right ones.
- You did great.
Look at these.
You want one? - No, thank you.
- Course you do.
Hm.
Perhaps (Chuckles ) Come on, come on.
- Rick? - Ooh.
- No, thank you.
- Go on.
- I know what you're trying to do.
- What? Just go and play your little games on your own.
- Mmm! - Mmm! Good! D'you have these in your country? Of course.
But really only in government and army.
- You gotta join the army to get a doughnut? - No, but in army you have luxury food.
Come on, Rick, it's a luxury food.
It's not a luxury food, it's a doughnut.
I don't want one.
Some people gotta do two years' military training just for one of these.
I know what you're doing, and to show it doesn't bother me, I'll have one.
There.
Happy? But very fattening, I think.
I must be careful.
- I don't think you have to worry.
- But you are very lucky, you stay thin.
Thank you.
(Mouths ) But for the rest of us, we must be careful.
I don't think she necessarily meant you.
(Sighs ) - Have you seen my trainers? - What? You know, my trainers I bought last summer to go running? Oh, I dunno.
Probably on top on the wardrobe.
Cos I'm going to the gym in the morning, so It's really got to you, this weight thing.
No.
No, it's notit's not that.
I'm Just a fitness thing, I feel I want to do some exercise.
Not the fact that the Adam Greene Show went out this afternoon? Nah.
No, did it? I didn't know.
- Did you watch it? - Yeah, it was OK.
See they cut my line so I looked stupid.
Oh, so you did see it.
Go on, then, what was the line? Adam Greene comes out with it, says ''You've put on weight.
'' So I said, ''Yes, I have, Adam.
'' I'm hoping to gain another 150 lbs so I can become one of your regular viewers.
It's a good line.
- Very good.
- The studio audience laughed and he felt they were laughing at him, I think, that's the problem, but That's the thing, they'll book a comedian to be on, I come up with the best lines and they cut them.
It's the depressing thing about television these days.
(Sighs ) This is what Ben does, I've just looked it up.
- This free running thing.
- He was telling me about this the other day.
Whoa.
Really quite skilful, some of it.
- D'you think so? - Yeah.
It just looks like they're running away from the police.
It looks like they're hurting themselves, it's not that skilful, throwing yourself down a stairwell.
Steps were invented for a reason, I would've thought.
Yeah.
But that one there, that's quite a clever leap.
Ooh, gosh.
Maybe if, er, that old woman's cat doesn't turn up we should give her Ben.
Don't suppose you've seen her cat, have you? No, I haven't.
No.
- But you did check the garage? - Yeah.
He's not in there.
He's nowhere to be seen.
- I've asked around.
- Really? - Kept a lookout.
- That's good of you.
Haven't actually seen any cats today, I don't think.
(Miaow ) (Hums ) You haven't seen my car keys, have you? You're not driving to the gym, are you? You should jog there, warm up.
What's the point of that? If I jog there, I might as well just turn round and jog back.
Forget about the gym altogether.
It's not just jogging you need for fitness.
You need full-body toning.
For that, you need equipment, you need weights, specialist advice.
I might do a class, boxercise.
You just go jogging, you end up with knackered knees and lungs full of car exhaust.
Ah, here we are.
Ready, and I'm off.
See you later.
That's nice orange juice.
- Good luck.
- I won't need it.
(Rap) This is a stick-up, get your hands up in the air (Dance pop) Oh-Oh, yeah ( # Opera ) .
.
for woman's hour from Manchester, with Je ( # Muse:: Feeling Good) Stars when you shine Look what I've found.
Moggsy! Hello, baby! I wouldn't do that, it's probably got worms and fleas.
- Where were you? - He was in the garage, right under my car.
- Poor baby! - Just as well I forgot my kit bag, - I'd have run him over.
- Did he try and kill you? Oh, darling! I didn't realise you knew each other so well.
- You said you'd checked the garage.
- I did, he must've been asleep.
Ah, you find cat, it's not dead.
Found him in the garage.
Can you take him over to - thingy - Doris? No, I can't.
I'm late and she talks and talks.
Would you take her? (Magda ) Yes, I will.
- Will you go with Magda? Yes.
- Come here, Mr Cat.
- Moggsy, Magda.
- (Magda ) I think she will be very pleased.
(Mel) Bye-bye.
Tell her I found him.
You found him? You didn't check the garage.
I did, I told you, I checked it three times.
It was asleep or whatever.
Maybe he snuck in when I opened the door.
I should know Who I am by now Iwalk The record stands somehow Thinkin' of winter Your name is the splinter inside me While I wait I remember the sound Of your November downtown And I remember the truth A warm December with you But Rick! I haven't seen you here for months.
Yeah, how are you? I don't do that much gym any more.
A lot of running instead, long distance, I'm pounding the streets.
I haven't seen you on TV so much.
Oh, I've been doing a lot, actually.
Chat shows and I have a newspaper column, when I have time I've got a lot of TV work in the pipeline.
Oh, great, great.
Hence back to the gym.
Yeah.
What? Wellput a little bit of weight on.
Couldn't help noticing.
Couldn't help noticing - couldn't help commenting? - Oh, wish I had your problem.
Problem? All I'm saying is you put on a bit of weight.
What makes people think they can say that to someone and they won't be offended? Yes, I've put on a bit of weight, about three pounds.
Look at me, big fatty, come to the gym! Has anybody ever been pleased to hear that? I-I didn't mean to Shall I tell you why I've put on weight? Cos I've got cancer.
Cancer, cancer, cancer! The drugs I'm on have made me blow up like a space hopper.
You happy now? - I mean, I had no idea.
- No, you didn't think, did you? You just thought, ''I'll tell him he's put on weight, he'll like that.
'' Well, I didn't like it, cos now you've reminded me I've got cancer.
That's the reason I come to the gym, not to lose weight, but to forget that I've got cancer.
- I've got cancer.
- That's right, now I'll think about it all day.
No, I've got cancer as well.
- Good! - What? W Er Not good in that sense.
Um, colonic cancer.
I'm starting chemo in a week.
I know it's gonna hit me like a ton of bricks, so I'm just trying to stay busy, keeping fit and, er, well, that and the, er the charity I've started.
Colon Awareness.
Um, well, you know.
Anyway, um, yeah, it's a it's a very aggressive type, and, er, if it doesn't respond, um Um S Wh-Wh-What are these drugs you're on? They're a newtype of drug, they're (Clears throat) .
.
experimenting on them, they're It's promising but they've got more teststo run - I mean, I feel great - Wh-What's it called? What's it called? What it's called is Oh, think it's Hexa hexadimoggsydol.
I've never heard of that.
I-I spend all my time looking this stuff up on the internet.
Wh-What is it? Some kind of breakthrough drug or It d-doesn't work with all types of cancer, so What type do you have? I'd rather not go into it Hey, d-don't be embarrassed.
Doesn't get any worse than having it up your arse.
Oh, Christ, no.
No, no, mine's, er mine'smine's not up there.
Mine's more of aborderline cancer.
- Borderline? - Yeah.
Why What does that mean? I didn't think you could have borderline cancer.
Yeah.
Yeah, you can.
It's, um I haven't ac I might not actually have cancer but, um Well, h-have you got cancer or haven't you? Probably not.
No, I haven't.
Y-You got the all-clear? Not really, no, um (Clears throat) I didn't ever have it, so Well Sorry, w-why were you on the drugs th-that made you put on all this weight? Oh, that was for something else that I can't discuss, so that's I-I don't understand why you, you know, w-why you'd say something like that if it isn't true.
(Whispers ) I know.
No, makes no sense to me either.
So There is no new drug, is there? Sorry about that.
This charity sounds very good that you've started, that's Well done, that's It's How would I make a donation? Cos I'd like to do that.
Er, if you just go to the website - colonawareness.
com You can donate online.
Right.
I'll-I'll do that.
Th-That's a promise.
Right, yeah.
OK, well, see you .
.
again, you kn You know, definitely (Rick sighs ) (Marty ) Come on, ten things you'd change about the world.
Don't know.
I dunno, squirrels.
What, you'd ban them? - (Sighs ) - Make 'em redder? Bigger? Greyer? Oh, whatever.
Who cares? How about, you hate people who tell ya you've put on weight? Yeah, anyone who tells you you've put on weight should suffer a slow, agonising death No, that's as bit strong, isn't it? Justmaybe just fine them - Fine them? - Yeah.
Fine them.
Hey, Magda.
- Hello.
- Did you take the cat back? Yes, I took cat back.
Woman is very happy.
She's crying, she is so pleased.
She give me reward.
You didn't keep it? You can't take money off old women who've nothing in their life but a cat.
This is what I said to her but she is crying.
''I'm so happy with cat, please take money.
- ''Buy yourself present.
'' - How much? - Hundred pounds.
- You're kidding.
No.
Hundred pounds.
Well, you have to give it back, Magda.
I try to give it back but she would not take.
She's crying In that case, I guess you get to keep it, Magda.
- Magda? - Yeah, if the old lady insisted.
Well I mean really, if anyone should keep the money it should be me costechnically I was the one who found the cat I was the one who thought to look in the garage.
My garage.
So, really, if there is a reward for finding the cat, then - I am the cat finder.
- You're gonna keep the money? No, I'll donate it to a charity.
- Yeah, right.
- I will.
- Which one? - Colon Awareness.
- It's something I'm involved in.
- Really? I didn't know that.
- Yeah.
- This is good.
There's a lot of things you don't know about me cos I don't boast.
Sorry, you went to the gym, you had a workout Yes, yes.
.
.
and then you just told someone you had cancer? No, it wasn't just for no reason.
He said I'd put on weight.
Soyou didn't know he had cancer? No.
Course I didn't know he had cancer.
Just my luck.
Yeah! Poor you.
Oh, well, no more gym, then.
You won't wanna risk bumping into him.
Ah, it'll be all right, I'll just leave it a few months.
I can go jogging.
I don't need all that fancy equipment.
Anyway, it's OK, cos I made a donation to his charity.
Oh.
Good.
How much was that? It was quite a lot, actually.
It wasgenerous.
Would it have been, ermI dunno lost cat reward amount of money? S Do you all get together and have a briefing on what I've been up to? Since you mention it, yes.
Naturally, I donated whatshername's - Doris.
- Yeah, her money.
But I also made my own private donation.
''Dear Mr Spleen, ''Thank you so much for your generous donation of £105.
- ''As you know, our charity depends'' - Hey, hey Don't read it out.
This is personal stuff.
Don't be embarrassed.
That was a beautiful gesture.
- Yeah, but I like to keep it private.
It's - OK.
- .
.
not a public matter.
Yeah.
- All right.
- Did you see your column? - Yeah, it was all right, wasn't it? - It's good.
- Yeah, it did look good.
- The free running stuff is funny.
- Yeah, it was.
Paid well as well, actually.
- I treated myself to a new DVD player.
- Oh, wow.
I just treated myself They're the best ones to get.
Oh, yeah.
Where did you get it? Oh, Ben knows someone who got me a deal.
It was the least he could do.
- It's top of the linewidescreen - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Records, records as well.
- Remote.
It's wrong region, though.
- What? - That's region one.
So any DVDs that you buy here, you can't play on that.
- You're joking.
- No, it's no big deal.
Just take it back and exchange it.
You got the receipt? Of course I haven't got the receipt, I got it off Ben.
Well.
, I've heard they can be adapted.
Maybe, get Ben to take the back off and see if he can fix it.
(Doorbell) If that's Ben now, he can sort it out for me.
Oh, hi.
Just been seeing my mum across the road, she said you found her cat? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, glad to be a help.
I looked in the garage and there he was.
- Listen, I really appreciate it.
- I had a funny feeling he'd be in there.
She was really upset when he went missing.
Ah, any time.
Actually I keep a bit of an eye on good old - Doris.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
It's very kind.
Er, look, this is a bit awkward, but, um, she said she gave you some money.
Yeah, she d Well, not me, actually, Magda, who works here.
Magda tried to give it back but she wouldn't have it.
Look, she's my mum, I know what she's like.
She just wouldn't take it back.
She can be very determined when she wants to be.
She certainly can.
Thing is, I look after her money now.
Ah, that'sgood idea.
So, if you'd just like to, um, give it back to me, I'll make sure it goes into her account.
Wellhaven't really got it any more.
- What do you mean? - When she wouldn't take it back, I thought the best thing would be to donate to an appropriate charity which is what I did, and, um In factI've got thereceipt here.
I think it's what she would have wanted.
Colon Awareness? How's that appropriate? Well cats have colonsdon't they? Look, if you wanna make a donation to charity use your own money.
She's an 82-year-old woman.
She gets confused.
- For somebody in your position - All right.
I think I know where this is going.
I'll give you the money back.
It's coming out of my own pocket butdoesn't matter.
Yeah, well thanks for being so understanding.
And, er, if I were you, I'd just, um, check the garage before you close the door in future.
Yeah.
Yeah, maybe you could have a word with Moggsy about not wandering into other people's garages.
Oh (Chuckles ) And, er, expect I'll see you on television.
Oh, yes, I expect so.
You're, um, putting on a bit of I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain Cos it would blow away my soul like a hurricane Oh, I'm like a one-man band clapping in the pouring rain If I know where I'm going, I don't know from where I came Now you're gonna be In summertime
We're very lucky to have a comedian we've tried to get on the show for a long time.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's Rick Spleen! (Applause ) Now, Rick, I must have first seen you - erm, it's gotta be ten years ago now - in a little club, and you were doing a skit about smoking.
Yeah, that's right, it was about the time when cigarette packets came out with health warnings on for the first time.
It started me thinking, what if other There was a really funny guy on the bill as well.
A skinny guy, who played the accordion, what was his name? Er, I think it was Chris Logan, yeah.
- Chris Logan, that's it! He was a funny bloke.
- Yeah.
- He was really funny.
(Chuckles ) - Yeah, he was great.
Chris Logan, er, he used to do this routine about, erm, his dad told him when he was a kid that the ice-cream van only played music when it had run out of ice cream! - (Audience laugh) - That's a really, really old routine - It's very funny, isn't it? - Yeah.
- That's quite well observed.
- Not by him, though.
- So what happened to him, Chris Logan? - I don't know, he just disappeared, I guess.
Right, cos you seem to be doing, er, the exact opposite.
- Sorry, what - Well, you're not disappearing, you're - You're getting bigger and bigger.
- (Laughter) I don't think so, n-not really, no.
- You're piling on the pounds.
- I haven't put on any weight actually.
Mind you, we like him this size, don't we? - (Audience ) Yes! - Yes, we like him a bit fuller figure.
- (Laughter) - I haven't put on weight, but anyway Ladies and gentlemen, the mystery of who ate all the pies has been solved.
It's my guest, Rick Spleen.
- (Laughter) - Work out a bit, and maybe (Applause, Rick inaudible ) I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain Why would he say that? Did he think I'd be pleased? Sounds like he touched a nerve.
He should know, nobody likes to have that said to them.
Thin people don't have to put up with that.
Well, no, because they're thin.
What did you say when he said that? - What did you say? - It doesn't matter, they'll edit it out.
Come on.
Do you think I've put on weight? What does it matter if you have, a little bit? (Sighs ) Magda, would you say this to someone? If you thought they'd put on weight would you just come out and tell them? Well, maybe you have in last few months I don't mean me, I didn't mean have I put on weight.
- But if you are happy - What's that, Magda? Old woman has lost cat, - ''Moggsy''.
- Oh, that's Doris's cat.
- Who the hell's Doris? - The old lady that lives across the road.
She loves that cat.
Rick, can you check the garage? - Oh, it won't be in there.
- Well, check it anyway.
- Ohh, reward, bless her.
- (Magda ) Cat is very old.
Maybe it's gone away to die.
Nah, it won't be that, Magda.
It'll have been stolen by vivisectionists and given pig's trotters and a monkey's brain by now.
Why don't you nip round and tell Doris that? Should cheer her up.
It'd be better coming from Magda, wouldn't it? Then out of nowhere he says, ''You've put on weight, haven't you?'' Yes, I have, Adam.
I'm hoping to gain another 150 lbs - to become like one of your regular viewers.
- Yeah.
Which is pretty much exactly what I said.
Course they'll edit it, so as not to offend their bed-ridden audience.
So what do we got today? Oh, it's this piece I said I'd write for the paper.
- I mean, why say that? - You're right, it's personal.
- Nobody likes to be told that.
- None of his business.
It's just creates a bad atmosphere to say that.
So what if you have? He was outta line, he shouldn't have said it.
- But you think I have? - I'm not saying that.
No, no, no, I'm agreeing with you.
I'm just saying he shouldn't have said it, it's like saying, ''So, what's with the receding hairline?'' I'm gonna make some coffee, you want some coffee? - Yeah.
- Want a cookie with that? Oh, no, better not.
Hi, Dad.
- Hi.
- Er, you know, um You know your little DVD player thing? - The portable one? Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
Um, it's not workingdunno - I opened it up - You opened it up? Yeah, yeah, he looked in the back and couldn't see anything wrong.
You know way around the inside of a DVD player? Er, no, not that much.
No.
- It's probably best you just get a new one.
- Oh, right.
- Panasonic are very good.
- Thank you.
What is that symbolon your shirt? It's, er, free running, parkour.
WhIt's a band or what? No, Dad, it's like free running.
Ermyeah, you jump on stuff and that, it's like, you can use the street as a gym, you can use anything, really.
Walls, bollards, whatever.
So what, you just go round jumping on stuff? Well, jumping, rolling - Rolling as well?.
- Yeah, there's like load of different moves.
Marty, you heard of this parkour thing where you Free running.
Sure, yeah.
Hey, it's too bad about this cat.
You guys see a cat? - Did you check the garage? - Yeah, I'll look later.
Yeah, I will as well.
In general, I mean.
Notthe garage.
- OK.
- Sure you don't want acookie? No thanks.
Mmm.
Oh! They're good.
I tell you what, I'll just leave 'em here They, er, do ones that record now as well.
Right.
- This the column? - Yeah.
- ''Ten things I'd change about the world''? - Yeah.
II know it's cheesy but it pays well.
All right, come on.
What do you want to change about the world? It's one of those things.
You sit down and do it, it's not that easy.
You gotta be original, you can't just put any rubbish.
What did they guy who did it last week put? OK, what do we got? Actor, Daniel K Roberts - Oh, no - Known for his portrayal of an epileptic priest in Gregory Daniels' TV drama, Broken Chalice.
(Groans ) Oh, he's dreadful.
Oh, look at him.
Wearing a scarf for the photo.
''Ten things I'd change about the world.
Number one.
''Why must people who live in town drive those ghastly, gas-guzzling 4x4s?'' So if they hit you there's more of a chance of permanent injury.
''Number two'' Actually, that is quite good Maybe we should ask Michael for ideas.
Hey, Michael what would you change about the world? Oh, that's an interesting one.
Um I'd like to do something about the homeless.
That's good.
Shocking.
Oh, makes you despair.
The way they dribble and swear and mess up the place with their stinking sleeping bags and cardboard boxes.
I mean, if they were dogs, we would put them to sleep.
- Shoot the lot of them, I say.
- So do I.
But these days you're not allowed to say that.
Unless you want to be accused of spoiling the carol service.
Anyway, can I tempt you with dessert? Yeah, I'll have a brownie with extra cream.
Sure.
(Exhales ) Well, there you go.
Shoot the homeless.
One down, nine to go.
All right, come on.
What else has been annoying you recently? - Apart from Michael?.
- Yeah.
What else has been annoyin' ya? - Ben.
- What's wrong with Ben? He broke that DVD player of mine.
- The little one? - Yeah! It wasn't working so he unscrewed the back to try and fix it.
- You just bought that.
- I know.
Bloody annoying.
I've got the guarantee, so I'll take it back and - Not if he took the back off.
- Mm? No.
Guarantee's invalid - if it's been tampered with.
- They won't know.
They will if the seal's broken.
Why d'you let him? I didn't let him! I didn't even let him use it.
He just took it, broke it, unscrewed the back so the seal is broken and then presented me with it, like a dog bringing in a dead rabbit.
Now he's expecting me to get a new one.
Bloody Ben.
Can you imagine him doing all that jumping around on buildings and stuff? I can't even imagine him getting out of bed for a crap.
Let alone leaping off railings and rolling around on roofs.
Hey, if the old lady doesn't find her cat, we can give her Ben.
Dripping taps.
That's another thing I'd change.
There's a neighbour's overflow outside my bedroom window and it drips.
Lying awake in bed at night it's a constant blip blipblip blip blipblip I can see how that would annoy.
- Enjoy your brownie.
- Rick, you sure you don't want one? - Yeah.
Thank you.
- Watching the weight? - Not really, no.
- Wasn't gonna say anything but, er Anyway Mmm! This is good.
Sure you won't have some? - Yeah, thanks.
- Have some.
I'll get an extra spoon, we can share.
Oh, thanks(!) Then this afternoon let's go and see a musical.
- How's it reading? - It's sort of coming together.
(Rustling) (Pop) Sorry.
You want one? - How come you're eating crisps? - I know! Ever have those days when you're hungry all day? I should start smoking.
This'd be an ideal moment for a cigarette.
Want one? - No, thank you.
- Go ahead.
Roast chicken.
Yeah, I can see that.
- You used to like these.
- I'm working.
I don't need to stuff my face in order to concentrate.
All right? OK.
Just, if you change your mind there they are.
Magda, oh! D'you get them? I don't know what's wrong with me, I'm starving.
- Hope they are right ones.
- You did great.
Look at these.
You want one? - No, thank you.
- Course you do.
Hm.
Perhaps (Chuckles ) Come on, come on.
- Rick? - Ooh.
- No, thank you.
- Go on.
- I know what you're trying to do.
- What? Just go and play your little games on your own.
- Mmm! - Mmm! Good! D'you have these in your country? Of course.
But really only in government and army.
- You gotta join the army to get a doughnut? - No, but in army you have luxury food.
Come on, Rick, it's a luxury food.
It's not a luxury food, it's a doughnut.
I don't want one.
Some people gotta do two years' military training just for one of these.
I know what you're doing, and to show it doesn't bother me, I'll have one.
There.
Happy? But very fattening, I think.
I must be careful.
- I don't think you have to worry.
- But you are very lucky, you stay thin.
Thank you.
(Mouths ) But for the rest of us, we must be careful.
I don't think she necessarily meant you.
(Sighs ) - Have you seen my trainers? - What? You know, my trainers I bought last summer to go running? Oh, I dunno.
Probably on top on the wardrobe.
Cos I'm going to the gym in the morning, so It's really got to you, this weight thing.
No.
No, it's notit's not that.
I'm Just a fitness thing, I feel I want to do some exercise.
Not the fact that the Adam Greene Show went out this afternoon? Nah.
No, did it? I didn't know.
- Did you watch it? - Yeah, it was OK.
See they cut my line so I looked stupid.
Oh, so you did see it.
Go on, then, what was the line? Adam Greene comes out with it, says ''You've put on weight.
'' So I said, ''Yes, I have, Adam.
'' I'm hoping to gain another 150 lbs so I can become one of your regular viewers.
It's a good line.
- Very good.
- The studio audience laughed and he felt they were laughing at him, I think, that's the problem, but That's the thing, they'll book a comedian to be on, I come up with the best lines and they cut them.
It's the depressing thing about television these days.
(Sighs ) This is what Ben does, I've just looked it up.
- This free running thing.
- He was telling me about this the other day.
Whoa.
Really quite skilful, some of it.
- D'you think so? - Yeah.
It just looks like they're running away from the police.
It looks like they're hurting themselves, it's not that skilful, throwing yourself down a stairwell.
Steps were invented for a reason, I would've thought.
Yeah.
But that one there, that's quite a clever leap.
Ooh, gosh.
Maybe if, er, that old woman's cat doesn't turn up we should give her Ben.
Don't suppose you've seen her cat, have you? No, I haven't.
No.
- But you did check the garage? - Yeah.
He's not in there.
He's nowhere to be seen.
- I've asked around.
- Really? - Kept a lookout.
- That's good of you.
Haven't actually seen any cats today, I don't think.
(Miaow ) (Hums ) You haven't seen my car keys, have you? You're not driving to the gym, are you? You should jog there, warm up.
What's the point of that? If I jog there, I might as well just turn round and jog back.
Forget about the gym altogether.
It's not just jogging you need for fitness.
You need full-body toning.
For that, you need equipment, you need weights, specialist advice.
I might do a class, boxercise.
You just go jogging, you end up with knackered knees and lungs full of car exhaust.
Ah, here we are.
Ready, and I'm off.
See you later.
That's nice orange juice.
- Good luck.
- I won't need it.
(Rap) This is a stick-up, get your hands up in the air (Dance pop) Oh-Oh, yeah ( # Opera ) .
.
for woman's hour from Manchester, with Je ( # Muse:: Feeling Good) Stars when you shine Look what I've found.
Moggsy! Hello, baby! I wouldn't do that, it's probably got worms and fleas.
- Where were you? - He was in the garage, right under my car.
- Poor baby! - Just as well I forgot my kit bag, - I'd have run him over.
- Did he try and kill you? Oh, darling! I didn't realise you knew each other so well.
- You said you'd checked the garage.
- I did, he must've been asleep.
Ah, you find cat, it's not dead.
Found him in the garage.
Can you take him over to - thingy - Doris? No, I can't.
I'm late and she talks and talks.
Would you take her? (Magda ) Yes, I will.
- Will you go with Magda? Yes.
- Come here, Mr Cat.
- Moggsy, Magda.
- (Magda ) I think she will be very pleased.
(Mel) Bye-bye.
Tell her I found him.
You found him? You didn't check the garage.
I did, I told you, I checked it three times.
It was asleep or whatever.
Maybe he snuck in when I opened the door.
I should know Who I am by now Iwalk The record stands somehow Thinkin' of winter Your name is the splinter inside me While I wait I remember the sound Of your November downtown And I remember the truth A warm December with you But Rick! I haven't seen you here for months.
Yeah, how are you? I don't do that much gym any more.
A lot of running instead, long distance, I'm pounding the streets.
I haven't seen you on TV so much.
Oh, I've been doing a lot, actually.
Chat shows and I have a newspaper column, when I have time I've got a lot of TV work in the pipeline.
Oh, great, great.
Hence back to the gym.
Yeah.
What? Wellput a little bit of weight on.
Couldn't help noticing.
Couldn't help noticing - couldn't help commenting? - Oh, wish I had your problem.
Problem? All I'm saying is you put on a bit of weight.
What makes people think they can say that to someone and they won't be offended? Yes, I've put on a bit of weight, about three pounds.
Look at me, big fatty, come to the gym! Has anybody ever been pleased to hear that? I-I didn't mean to Shall I tell you why I've put on weight? Cos I've got cancer.
Cancer, cancer, cancer! The drugs I'm on have made me blow up like a space hopper.
You happy now? - I mean, I had no idea.
- No, you didn't think, did you? You just thought, ''I'll tell him he's put on weight, he'll like that.
'' Well, I didn't like it, cos now you've reminded me I've got cancer.
That's the reason I come to the gym, not to lose weight, but to forget that I've got cancer.
- I've got cancer.
- That's right, now I'll think about it all day.
No, I've got cancer as well.
- Good! - What? W Er Not good in that sense.
Um, colonic cancer.
I'm starting chemo in a week.
I know it's gonna hit me like a ton of bricks, so I'm just trying to stay busy, keeping fit and, er, well, that and the, er the charity I've started.
Colon Awareness.
Um, well, you know.
Anyway, um, yeah, it's a it's a very aggressive type, and, er, if it doesn't respond, um Um S Wh-Wh-What are these drugs you're on? They're a newtype of drug, they're (Clears throat) .
.
experimenting on them, they're It's promising but they've got more teststo run - I mean, I feel great - Wh-What's it called? What's it called? What it's called is Oh, think it's Hexa hexadimoggsydol.
I've never heard of that.
I-I spend all my time looking this stuff up on the internet.
Wh-What is it? Some kind of breakthrough drug or It d-doesn't work with all types of cancer, so What type do you have? I'd rather not go into it Hey, d-don't be embarrassed.
Doesn't get any worse than having it up your arse.
Oh, Christ, no.
No, no, mine's, er mine'smine's not up there.
Mine's more of aborderline cancer.
- Borderline? - Yeah.
Why What does that mean? I didn't think you could have borderline cancer.
Yeah.
Yeah, you can.
It's, um I haven't ac I might not actually have cancer but, um Well, h-have you got cancer or haven't you? Probably not.
No, I haven't.
Y-You got the all-clear? Not really, no, um (Clears throat) I didn't ever have it, so Well Sorry, w-why were you on the drugs th-that made you put on all this weight? Oh, that was for something else that I can't discuss, so that's I-I don't understand why you, you know, w-why you'd say something like that if it isn't true.
(Whispers ) I know.
No, makes no sense to me either.
So There is no new drug, is there? Sorry about that.
This charity sounds very good that you've started, that's Well done, that's It's How would I make a donation? Cos I'd like to do that.
Er, if you just go to the website - colonawareness.
com You can donate online.
Right.
I'll-I'll do that.
Th-That's a promise.
Right, yeah.
OK, well, see you .
.
again, you kn You know, definitely (Rick sighs ) (Marty ) Come on, ten things you'd change about the world.
Don't know.
I dunno, squirrels.
What, you'd ban them? - (Sighs ) - Make 'em redder? Bigger? Greyer? Oh, whatever.
Who cares? How about, you hate people who tell ya you've put on weight? Yeah, anyone who tells you you've put on weight should suffer a slow, agonising death No, that's as bit strong, isn't it? Justmaybe just fine them - Fine them? - Yeah.
Fine them.
Hey, Magda.
- Hello.
- Did you take the cat back? Yes, I took cat back.
Woman is very happy.
She's crying, she is so pleased.
She give me reward.
You didn't keep it? You can't take money off old women who've nothing in their life but a cat.
This is what I said to her but she is crying.
''I'm so happy with cat, please take money.
- ''Buy yourself present.
'' - How much? - Hundred pounds.
- You're kidding.
No.
Hundred pounds.
Well, you have to give it back, Magda.
I try to give it back but she would not take.
She's crying In that case, I guess you get to keep it, Magda.
- Magda? - Yeah, if the old lady insisted.
Well I mean really, if anyone should keep the money it should be me costechnically I was the one who found the cat I was the one who thought to look in the garage.
My garage.
So, really, if there is a reward for finding the cat, then - I am the cat finder.
- You're gonna keep the money? No, I'll donate it to a charity.
- Yeah, right.
- I will.
- Which one? - Colon Awareness.
- It's something I'm involved in.
- Really? I didn't know that.
- Yeah.
- This is good.
There's a lot of things you don't know about me cos I don't boast.
Sorry, you went to the gym, you had a workout Yes, yes.
.
.
and then you just told someone you had cancer? No, it wasn't just for no reason.
He said I'd put on weight.
Soyou didn't know he had cancer? No.
Course I didn't know he had cancer.
Just my luck.
Yeah! Poor you.
Oh, well, no more gym, then.
You won't wanna risk bumping into him.
Ah, it'll be all right, I'll just leave it a few months.
I can go jogging.
I don't need all that fancy equipment.
Anyway, it's OK, cos I made a donation to his charity.
Oh.
Good.
How much was that? It was quite a lot, actually.
It wasgenerous.
Would it have been, ermI dunno lost cat reward amount of money? S Do you all get together and have a briefing on what I've been up to? Since you mention it, yes.
Naturally, I donated whatshername's - Doris.
- Yeah, her money.
But I also made my own private donation.
''Dear Mr Spleen, ''Thank you so much for your generous donation of £105.
- ''As you know, our charity depends'' - Hey, hey Don't read it out.
This is personal stuff.
Don't be embarrassed.
That was a beautiful gesture.
- Yeah, but I like to keep it private.
It's - OK.
- .
.
not a public matter.
Yeah.
- All right.
- Did you see your column? - Yeah, it was all right, wasn't it? - It's good.
- Yeah, it did look good.
- The free running stuff is funny.
- Yeah, it was.
Paid well as well, actually.
- I treated myself to a new DVD player.
- Oh, wow.
I just treated myself They're the best ones to get.
Oh, yeah.
Where did you get it? Oh, Ben knows someone who got me a deal.
It was the least he could do.
- It's top of the linewidescreen - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Records, records as well.
- Remote.
It's wrong region, though.
- What? - That's region one.
So any DVDs that you buy here, you can't play on that.
- You're joking.
- No, it's no big deal.
Just take it back and exchange it.
You got the receipt? Of course I haven't got the receipt, I got it off Ben.
Well.
, I've heard they can be adapted.
Maybe, get Ben to take the back off and see if he can fix it.
(Doorbell) If that's Ben now, he can sort it out for me.
Oh, hi.
Just been seeing my mum across the road, she said you found her cat? Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, glad to be a help.
I looked in the garage and there he was.
- Listen, I really appreciate it.
- I had a funny feeling he'd be in there.
She was really upset when he went missing.
Ah, any time.
Actually I keep a bit of an eye on good old - Doris.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
It's very kind.
Er, look, this is a bit awkward, but, um, she said she gave you some money.
Yeah, she d Well, not me, actually, Magda, who works here.
Magda tried to give it back but she wouldn't have it.
Look, she's my mum, I know what she's like.
She just wouldn't take it back.
She can be very determined when she wants to be.
She certainly can.
Thing is, I look after her money now.
Ah, that'sgood idea.
So, if you'd just like to, um, give it back to me, I'll make sure it goes into her account.
Wellhaven't really got it any more.
- What do you mean? - When she wouldn't take it back, I thought the best thing would be to donate to an appropriate charity which is what I did, and, um In factI've got thereceipt here.
I think it's what she would have wanted.
Colon Awareness? How's that appropriate? Well cats have colonsdon't they? Look, if you wanna make a donation to charity use your own money.
She's an 82-year-old woman.
She gets confused.
- For somebody in your position - All right.
I think I know where this is going.
I'll give you the money back.
It's coming out of my own pocket butdoesn't matter.
Yeah, well thanks for being so understanding.
And, er, if I were you, I'd just, um, check the garage before you close the door in future.
Yeah.
Yeah, maybe you could have a word with Moggsy about not wandering into other people's garages.
Oh (Chuckles ) And, er, expect I'll see you on television.
Oh, yes, I expect so.
You're, um, putting on a bit of I wanna get high but I really can't take the pain Cos it would blow away my soul like a hurricane Oh, I'm like a one-man band clapping in the pouring rain If I know where I'm going, I don't know from where I came Now you're gonna be In summertime