Let's Get Physical (2018) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Previously on Let's Get Physical She still hates me 'cause I broke her little boy's heart.
I hate you because you're a conniving little trollop.
You're choking me.
That's what your wife said when she blew me in high school.
- Hibicus vodka.
- Hibiscus.
- How drunk are we? - I'm sober as a bird.
- (PHONE BUZZING) - Oh, crud.
Not ocean sunrise.
God, my cheeks are not that yellow, are they? (PHONE BUZZING CONTINUES) It's been two days since your little buddy bender with Joe, and you still look like a vacuum-sealed corpse.
Claudia, none of my filters work! Stupid smart phones and stupid aerobics and stupid Joe Force! - Stupid whining.
Stop that.
- (PHONE BUZZING) The aftereffects of alcohol are baffling.
- Ah, yes, it is called a hangover, sweet tits.
- Oh my joints are achy and a my thoughts are both impulsive and indecisive at the same time.
Why would anyone do this to themselves? How do I get back to me? A hangover's like a credit card.
- It has to be paid off.
- Oh I'm all maxed out.
Stop that.
A camera crew will be at Fitness by Force this afternoon to film the rivalry promos for the finals.
That's right, it's the first thing the judges are going to see at the opening ceremony, and it sets the tone for the entire competition.
I know.
You're right, you're right.
If I look worse than Joe Force, while sitting next to Joe Force, - Mm-hmm.
- that kills our first impression.
How does he do this every morning? - He drinks like you work out.
- (PHONE BUZZING) - Is that Joe? - Uh, yes.
The alcohol poisoned me.
He's calling you.
He's trying to get into my head before finals.
It's like I kind of - despise slash fear-spect him at the same time.
- (PHONE BUZZING) Will you please answer that? It's like kettle bells slamming into my eardrums.
- (SIGHING) What do you want? - She's dying right in front of me! Okay, uh, calm down.
Who's dying? Call 9-1-1.
We don't have insurance! She's not gonna make it! Come to my mom's house! Okay, Joe, this is very inappropriate.
It's very inappropriate, okay? I am You are the only person I know that cares about both of us.
Please.
Joe, I Joe! Oh, my God.
I'm gonna go.
I'll be right back.
Just go for a run and keep hydrating.
I'll have them make you a shake.
You should have a cucumber shake.
"Uh, I'm Joe.
My mom's dying.
I gotta call my ex-girlfriend to save me.
" Get out of my head, Joe Force! Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
I can use this.
I can get into the head of my rival.
Yeah.
Method dancing.
Is she gonna make it? C'mere.
C'mere.
Hold the pliers.
Now, no matter what happens, don't let go.
- Okay.
- If she shuts down again, she's a goner.
Just save her! Anything you can do! - Where's Janet? Is she okay? - What? Janet? No, my baby's dying.
Engine's going.
Give her some gas.
- Yeah, okay.
- No, not you, her! The pliers.
You heard him.
Captain's chair now! - Oh, my God, you're impossible! - Just give it some gas.
- It's too much gas.
It's too much gas! - Don't let go! (ENGINE SPUTTERS AND STOPS) Call for help.
I can't feel my face.
(HORN SOUNDS) - Let's get physical, physical - (SIREN WAILING) - How does it feel to put another good man in the hospital? When you left me for Barry after the finals, I spent the night in the emergency room.
Oh, you sprained your ankle, you pansy.
You can't leave without saying goodbye to her.
She was part of both of our lives.
This right here, this dent is from you doing the Macarena at Phony Terry's Full Moon Kegger.
Never done the Macarena.
And then in here, there's nail polish.
You were doing your toes on the dash, and we hit a raccoon.
Remember? We had to drive over him again to put him out of his misery, and then we buried him and we cried and held each other for hours? - Ruined Ricky.
Oh, the poor little guy.
- Yeah.
We had to bury him on the side of Oh, my God, dammit! No.
Every memory you cherish is one I have tried to repress.
Just help me say goodbye to her like we said goodbye to Ricky.
She's still warm.
It's like you have a low-grade super power fueled by pity.
Okay, good enough for me.
Let's load her up.
You cannot steal that man's tow truck! It's not stealing if he doesn't know it's gone.
He hit his head.
It's fine.
I'm taking my girls on a farewell tour.
Oh, my God.
So bad.
That's a dope shrine.
It's like a Republican quinceañera.
Thank you, Clarence.
The purpose of this promotional interview is to get our story out there so we can win over the audience and the judges at finals.
It is beautiful, but shouldn't we show a more honest version of Fitness by Force? You have got a point there, Tina.
We need to give the crowd something to root for, don't we? Which is why we are now Janet's Home for Wayward Dancers.
Orphaned boy, trained to be a genre-defying dancer.
Rowdy hooligan, groomed to be a gentleman.
A diamond in the rough, cleaned and cut to be uh, semi-polished.
Yeah, uh, a has-been singer turned fly fitness instructor.
Where's my man Joe at? Uh, alright, I got this.
Yo, J-Rock, - let me popcorn shrimp this for you right - No more thuggy gibberish.
My idiot son is not answering his cellular phone, so I will be starring in this interview.
So does anyone know where I am standing? Ooh! The exact spot where the Colonel died.
Exactly, Tina.
So I want you to put the lights out here, because this is where I'm going to pull at the judges' heartstrings, win over the aerobics community again, and seal our victory.
Tina, you have to come with me.
We've got to do something about your featureless face.
Ten-hut! If you know your enemy and know yourself, you need not fear the result of a hundred battles.
Who said that? Sun Tzu.
Old Chinese guy who wrote the Art of War.
I'm not pointing at you for any reason, Chad P.
It's arbitrary.
I know you're vaguely Asian.
Maybe it's a sign.
Maybe you're like Harry Potter.
You know, the finger chose you.
Drop it.
Now, today we become our enemy so we can learn their tactics.
Now, they won't beat us, but it doesn't hurt to cover our bases.
So drink up, my nimble-footed warriors.
Oh that's vodka in there.
I'm 17.
What? Oh, shit.
(SPLASHING) Um, yeah, you can take the rest of the day off, Chad P.
Go home.
Scram! Await my text.
Good form.
Doesn't make any sense.
You underestimating Joe Force? Are you gonna be the weak link that falls for one of his dirty tricks? I thought I could trust you, Denise.
Mr.
Cross, you can.
I just don't drink.
Alcohol makes me puffy.
Yeah, you've only had, like, a swig, and you're looking you look a little like a jellyfish right now.
That's a good word for it.
But with winning comes sacrifice.
Now, we need to go to the underworld to understand what the underdog, our foe, is thinking.
We need to feel what it feels like to feel like them so we can crush them! Now, who's with me on going on this quest? Okay.
Now we dance like Joe Force.
The stance, belly out, ass is kind of like ugh.
You want to look like a six-foot toddler.
Ah I've got my center.
He doesn't have a center.
Literally, he's built like a narwhal, like the Hamburgler.
Joe Force is like a hippo in Spandex.
He doesn't know.
His his body, it's like literally filling a giant sack of bowling balls, and spinning it around.
Okay, but then land it, and exude this.
Make a note of that, okay? Call that the the dumb, fat smile.
Why did you bring me here? This is your old house.
One of them.
We were evicted from several.
It's why I spent so much time with your family.
Don't you remember? I used to park around the corner so your drunk dad wouldn't see me, and then I'd wait for you to crawl out your window.
Joe, please, do me a favour.
- Look at your car.
- Mm-hmm.
- It hasn't been washed in years.
- Hmm.
It is full of trash and fast food and cheap alcohol, and it died because no one took care of it.
Oh, my God, the car is you.
You need to let it go.
It's time to let go.
That car has character, like me.
That is character.
That's what I thought.
Okay.
Just help me say goodbye to her, okay? Well, let's get to it.
From what I remember, at the next stop, you didn't last too long.
Oh, no, don't move your hips like that! Don't move your hips.
No, don't! Don't don't look at me! Don't dirty talk! Ah, shit, I'm done! No was it good for you? - That was the best minute of your life! - 45 seconds! A little longer than that.
(TINA ON VOICE-MAIL) Joe, where are you? The CAC promo shoot is in a few hours.
Janet is giving all of us a makeover! And it's horrible! Please come back.
(GRUNTING) Fact: first time we kissed (GROANING) you had swamp hands.
Fact: you got sloppy on wine coolers, drooled all over my shirt, and I had to go change.
Maybe that was a move to get your shirt off, a move that still works today.
Oh, shut up.
(CHUCKLING) Think little high-school kids still come down here for short and sweet quickies? - I don't know.
I hope so.
- (LAUGHS) Remember what we used to do when we were? Oh, look, stop that.
Don't Please stop.
Just say your goodbyes and we will head back for the interview.
- Oh, come on.
Don't be so uptight.
- I'm not uptight.
Here's one from childhood.
My dad is a prick and I get boners when my math teacher chews her pencil! - Oh, my God, ew.
- She was so hot.
(SCOFFING THEN LAUGHING) - Come on.
Oh, come on.
- No.
You know this is where you got the idea for Rage Cycle.
- Come on.
- Okay, no, no.
- That was an original idea in - Sure.
Whatever.
Um My mom can't afford good cereal and boys are always 100 times worse when they're around their stupid-ass friends! - (LAUGHING) Okay, that was fun.
- I live with my mom, and my life is falling apart!! I watch gay porn! Oh.
There you go.
And now you have features.
Ooh, spin around for the nice, single men, Tina.
Oh, get Damn, Tina.
What are you doing? You gonna quit the squad and be a rodeo clown? Don't listen to him.
He was probably forced to wear makeup in prison.
Snap, J-Rock.
You're on point.
But seriously, on the record, the only thing I gave up in prison was a breakfast croissant.
- Hmm.
- Well, I mean, come on, T, I mean we like you all-natural.
- (DOOR OPENING) - Hey, yo, yo, yo, those people that ask questions and record things are here.
Joe is not here, guys.
We can't start.
Jolly good! Lights, camera, action! Come on.
(CLINKING) - Does that sound good? - Mmm.
- I'm like a 1970s talk-show announcer.
- (LAUGHTER) Okay, we can't underestimate the enemy.
They're gonna be this lazy and distracted and uncoordinated.
(LAUGHING) Other Chad, you're a mess.
Will the enemy not be able to feel their legs and lips? Yes, and they're gonna be thinking about food when they're dancing because they're fat.
By the way, is anyone really hungry? Starving.
I mean who who who's gonna tell us when and what to eat? Am I right, guys? I mean, sometimes working out is not fun.
You know, "Ugh, I'm sweating.
I'm lifting weights.
" Know what? From now on, we're coming up with new rules, and rule number one: I want to hug you.
Bring it in.
Bring it in.
Oh.
Look at him.
He went to sleep.
Sleep, gentle child, sleep.
Okay.
Okay, everyone, stop working out.
Stop it! Stop lifting.
Stop trying so hard! It's annual cheat day.
- Stuffed-crust pizza for everyone! - (ALL CHEERING) Oh, um, but, guys, do not purge in the bathroom.
Remember last time, we had Mongolian barbecue.
It was it was like a crime scene in there.
And because I've been so blessed in my life, I felt that it was important somehow to give back, so I started an aerobic team with at-risk youth, and my son, who's not a youth, but definitely at-risk for many things.
Cut! This is a bit off-topic.
Oh, it's just a a tasteful ode to the first lady of fitness.
Well, for starters, I see Janet Force, not Jane Fonda, on this shrine.
That woman stole my personal stylist, François Peppercorn, and I can prove it if you turn that camera back on.
Still off-topic, but whatever, lady.
Roll tape.
(WHISPERING) Yo, T, she killing us, man.
Stay here.
I'm gonna go find Joe.
(CLAUDIA LAUGHING) - Oh, no! What's wrong? - What? What? Nothing's wrong.
You're smiling.
You're having a good time.
- It's like it's the old Claudia.
Are you okay? - You're stupid.
- Are you okay, having fun? - Shut up.
(LAUGHING) (CHUCKLING) You know, that was always our problem.
You never understood me.
I didn't understand anything.
I was in high school.
All I understood was beer and boobs, and even boobs were confusing.
- Yeah, we're aware.
- No, I just didn't know how much to work it.
Yeah, that's the problem.
You don't turn it like a knob.
- I'm good at it now.
- Congratulations, you learned something.
(LAUGHING) (LAUGHING) Okay, stop.
Stop.
Don't make me laugh.
I'm a serious person.
- Uh, what? - (NEEDLE-SCRATCHING SOUND) What are you doing? Okay, you were there too.
There is a lot of tension here.
I don't do tension.
I don't do feelings.
I don't do emotions.
I don't do things that get in the way.
I know.
That's why I hate seeing you with Barry.
We used to be really good together, in high school.
My God.
Oh, my God.
That's what this is all about.
This car is the last tie you have to me and you.
That that's why you're having a hard time letting it go.
You think there's still a chance with us.
Yeah, maybe.
I don't know.
I'm not a therapist.
I'm married! I'm married to a man who really understands me, who who is the kind of man who just sees what he wants and he takes it.
Oh, so he just bops you over the head and drags you back to his cave? Wow.
I should never have come.
(JOE SIGHS) It is the third-worst day of my life and you're leaving me? - (SCOFFS) - Again?! Always about you! [BLEEP.]
! What happened to your face? Your mother.
Oh! I'm sorry.
I know I should be there to help keep her in check.
Joe, we need you to lead the interview.
You're the face of the gym.
Did you spend the whole day trying to sleep with your ex-girlfriend? No.
Okay.
(GROANING) (GRUNTING) My baby deserves a better burial.
Does she? Seems kind of fitting.
Baby Bye, old girl.
We had a good run.
I get chills when I'm with you Whoa-oh, whoa-oh Oh, baby (ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING) (LAUGHTER) What is it? Oh, okay, please don't do that.
What is going on here? Where is Barry? - Who? - My husband, your boss.
(SPRAYING) C-Money's home! Clau-Clau, look.
B-lish-lish got his glow back.
(EVIL CHUCKLE) Bring it in.
- Gimme that ass.
- Oh, okay, okay.
Um, I see that you beat your hangover.
You got wasted again and did a lot of other things.
Well, I've been method dancing.
See, I get into Joe's head so I can figure out how to beat him.
Everything extremist.
And what did we learn? - Um, well, I've been doing lots of experiments.
- Uh-huh.
I've been compiling all the data, ah, but I don't remember anything after lunch.
Yeah, that's what I figured.
I actually spent the day studying Joe.
Apparently, he thrives on pity power.
Okay, I figured out that I can only be nice to him when I'm drinking, but the bad news is, it makes me weak-minded.
As do all those messy emotions.
See, this is why I love you.
You don't care what other people want.
And that's what I love about you.
We are going to get everything we want.
- What would I do without you? - Oh, I hope you never find out.
- Mm - (BOTH) Mm-mm-mm! Let's say we get that blood flowing - to sober you up for that interview? - Hmm.
Now? Good.
Right.
Okay, right here.
Yeah.
Oh, hang on a second.
Ha-ha.
Cross Control: PA system.
You weak, weak, weak-mind That is amazing.
weak-minded simpletons.
You fell for the classic double-double cross.
I want you to all drop your carbs and give me 50 burpees on the doubl oh-ho-ho-le.
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC) And action.
I'd like to set the record straight.
There's been a lot of harsh language being thrown out there: - rivalry, grudge match, arch enemy.
- Douchebag.
What I'd like to say is that we've moved past that phase.
Joe and I have spent the last few days actually bonding together.
Yeah.
Yep.
- You see, Joe's been through a tough time.
- Yeah.
He lost his father.
- He gave up a music career that was killing him.
- Thriving.
The important thing for the aerobics community to remember is that dance is a form of healing.
I can't.
I mean, you guys aren't buying this, right? This nice-guy thing.
No, no, no, no.
Barry Cross is a two-faced, turd-sucking prick.
He's blowing it.
We should've let you do this interview.
Huh.
Welcome to my train of thought.
- You know what? - How do you believe anything that comes out of his mouth?! It's garbage! It's okay.
It's okay, guys.
He's grieving.
We grieve with you.
You know what? I'd like to take a moment to do something we should've done a long time ago.
- Let's have a moment of silence for the Colonel.
- Yeah.
No, that's my moment of silence for my father.
We hate each other.
There is a rivalry here.
Rivalries are good.
It forces people to choose a side.
Are you a soulless douchebag, or are you an underdog with nothing to lose? You decide.
You decide, aerobics world.
- I don't hate him.
I'm trying to help him.
No.
- Yes No, we hate each other.
Yes.
No, we do.
He hates me 'cause I banged his wife.
- I banged her too.
- No, I banged but I banged her first.
Now, it's also something you tried to do earlier today, but failed at.
- Again, we're all trying to help him.
My wife included.
- I can't.
I can't.
I just can't.
- I can't, I can't.
I can't.
I hate you.
- Joe, please.
- I hate you! - I love you.
Okay, friend.
We'll see you.
- And we'll see you at the aerobics finals.
- (ROCK MUSIC) Next time on Let's Get Physical: - Oh, my God.
- What happened to your son? Oh, so I'm dreaming.
Even though you're dressed like an angel, I'm not dead.
(SCREAMING) Oh, wow.
I look pretty good for an old guy.
(GASPING) Ah, your wife has been cheating on you, Barry! With her money.
I'm rehearsing my finals performance.
So show me what you got.