Limmy's Show (2009) s01e06 Episode Script
Episode 6
1 Right, listen, the reason why I brought you in is because I've got some ideas for characters and I just want you to let me know what you think of them, if they're crap or no'.
All right? This first one is based In fact, haud on.
Welcome to Limmy's Show.
Right, this first wan's based on I was in the pub a few months ago having a breakfast, right, this big fry-up breakfast.
And on the plate was a mushroom - a big fried mushroom, right.
And I don't like mushrooms, so I didnae eat it, but I thought that's a waste, this mushroom just going to waste.
It'd be good if I could go up to wan of the other tables and say, just approach them, just go, "Excuse me, do you want this mushroom?" I just thought of an idea that a character that does that, just goes like that a' the time, just goes up to people and goes like that, "Excuse me, do you want this mushroom? "Do you want this mushroom?" Just goes up wi' this big gigantic plate with this big mushroom at the edge.
"Do you want this mushroom?" Mmm-hmm.
The thing is, he's no' like, he's no' just like a guy in a pub.
He could be like anywhere.
He could turn up anywhere, at any time, just like in really inappropriate and really funny, inappropriate situations, like a Like Imagine like a funeral.
So he turns up at a funeral, so it would be like, everybody would be like that "Amen!" And then you'd hear this "Do you want this mushroom? "Do you want this mushroom?" I don't know.
Just picture it.
You know, a huge, huge mushroom at the Aye, just forget it.
And I hope you know how serious a situation this is.
This isn't an official verbal warning, but let me tell you, right now, you are literally walking on very thin ice.
Naw, I'm no'.
The hotel Oh, the hotel! It was the best part of the holiday.
See when we got there and we saw the reception, - we were literally over the moon.
- What, was the hotel in space, aye? Have you seen ma keys? Go on, look for ma keys, because they were literally right here.
Oh, they were "literally" right here, were they? I'm so glad you said they were "literally" right here, because if you just said they were right here, I would have started looking for them ower there.
Do you know what I mean? Enough! (MANIC LAUGHTER) You'll never catch me! I'm your worstest nightmare! Right, here's wan for you, right? This is a daft wan.
You'll either love it or you'll hate it.
You'll probably hate it.
It's a It's a character that goes like this, right.
Listen.
What's the ploblem? - What's the - What's the ploblem? What are you saying? What's the Ploblem.
It's like problem, only wi' an L instead of an R.
What's the ploblem? What's the ploblem? What's the ploblem? So what is the plobl I mean, problem? It's funny, in't it? What did you say? What is the problem? I don't know, I've never thought aboot it.
I just think it's this guy that goes like that, "What's the ploblem? "What's the ploblem? What's the ploblem?" So, does he ever actually sort any problems oot? Naw, he Well, naw, well, he could.
Well, aye, he could, he could like turn up at, um I don't know, like funerals an' Naw, I know what he could do, right.
He could sort oot, like, imagine like really, like serious global situations like imminent nuclear war, that kind of thing.
So imagine it's like North Korea and America, and they're just ready to go head-to-head nuclear war, and he steps in, he just sorts it right oot, just by saying that, just sorts it right oot.
Well Just try it, just try it.
Like, you imagine North Korea and America.
You go like that, "We're gonna nuke you.
" And you go like that, "We're gonna nuke you.
" Try that back and forward.
- We're gonna nuke you.
- We're gonna nuke you.
- We're gonna nuke you.
- We're gonna nuke you.
- We're gonna nuke you.
- We're gonna nuke you.
- We're gonna nuke you.
- We're gonna nuke you.
- We're gonna nuke you.
- We're gonna nuke you.
- We're going to nuke you.
- We're going to nuke you.
- What's the ploblem? - We're going nuke you! - We're going to nuke you.
- We're going to nuke you.
Naw, then, that would be it.
It would stop there.
That would be it.
It's the way he says it.
It's, um, like "What's the ploblem?" It's the funny way he says it.
"What's the ploblem? What's the ploblem? What's the ploblem?" Naw, I just don't get it.
No, wait a minute.
There's a way I was daen' it in the hoose, whit was it? What's the ploblem? It's this way I was daen' it What's the ploblem? What's the ploblem What's the - Limmy.
- What's the What's the ploblem? What's the ploblem? What's the ploblem? Brian.
Awright, right.
(DOORBELL RINGS) - You want to buy 21 gigawatts? - (SCREAMING) I had to get a brand-new computer the other day, man.
Just pure lost the plot.
(BLEEPING) Aw! (RINGTONE) - Awright? - Awright, Junior.
I've fucked up ma computer up again.
Gonnae come up - Ha, ha, ha! - Gonnae come ower and fix it? - What have you done to it this time? - I don't know.
Ha, ha, ha, ah-ha, ha! See that laugh, mate, see if you werenae ma cousin! - Sorry, I'm on ma way.
- Cool.
Aw, hurry up, man! (RINGTONE) - Ha, hee, ha, ha, eh, ha, ha, ha! - What you laughing at? I'm on the train, right.
I'm nearly there.
Gonnae hurry up, cos this is daen' ma nut in? I cannae make the train go any quicker than - Sorry.
- Who was that? Oh.
It was just someone wanting me to be quiet.
Anyway - What? Where's he getting aff? - I don't know.
- D'you no' hear him buy a ticket? - Oh, I did.
He's getting off at yours.
But but, John Paul Yas! - Awright! How's it gaun? - Is that him there, aye? - Aye, but no.
Gonnae just leave him? - Awright, 'member me, mate? Crash! - What's going on? - Back the way ye came! - What are you hitting me for? - Naw.
No, no' that way - that way.
Go on! That's it! That's it, up ye go, mate.
That's it.
Heave-ho! See if you try and sneak back here, I'll cut ye to ribbons, awright? Gonnae just leave him, John Paul? - He only telled me to be quiet.
- Shut up, you.
D'you want to fix my computer or no'? You know what? Naw, right? I don't think I do.
Dae ye no', right? Well, you go join him then, go on.
John Paul There ye go.
There ye go, a wee companion there.
Go and gie him a wee puntie up.
There, ye've got a wee companion there, mate! Gie you a couple of wee Traveling Wilburys, man.
(BLEEPING) Aw! - We need to talk.
- What aboot? I want to split up.
Split up? What for? I'm fed up.
Really fed up.
I've been fed up for years.
We don't go oot.
We don't dae anything.
I don't understaun.
This is totally oot the blue.
I thought we were gettin' on.
What's happened? Nothing's happened.
That's what's wrang.
I feel like I'm no' - We're no' - We're no' what? What's wrang? I don't know.
I'm talking shite.
Just forget it.
- Is everything awright? - Aye.
All my friends will be moving on.
They've all got plans.
But I don't know what to do with my life.
I feel so worthless.
I love my family, but I can't take much more of this.
Somewhere along the lines, I forgot who I was.
And now I'm lost.
It's a steady job.
It pays well.
So I can't complain.
I shouldn't complain.
I mustn't complain.
Sound familiar? Things getting to you? Feel like letting oot a wee cry for help? Then dae it.
But for God's sake, don't try an' kill yourself.
Don't cut yourself up.
Don't bring yourself to harm in any way whatsoever.
If you want to let oot a cry for help, I've got just the thing.
Pish yersel'.
Oh, my God, Limmy.
Are you OK? What's wrang? - Limmy's pished hissel'! - Oh, you're joking! Oh, c'mon, Limmy, mate, let's get you up.
Aw, whit's wrang wi' him? He needs a break.
He's had enough.
Oh, I knew things were gettin' to ye.
C'mon, we'll get you some help.
We're here for you, mate.
(DIALS NUMBER) (RINGTONE) Good morning, Mulvaney Group.
- Cathy, it's, er, Mr Mulvaney here.
- Hello, Mr Mulvaney.
Cathy, I'm running a little late for the sub-directors' meeting, so could you begin putting the reports out on the boardroom table, please? No bother.
I'd just like them to get familiar with the numbers before I get there.
There are three reports in total, I believe.
The first one is Hello? Are you still there, Mr Mulvaney? Cathy, can I call you back, please? - No bother.
- Thank you.
(PHONE DISCONNECTS) OK.
OK.
Just just calm down there.
Calm down.
Just don't look.
Don't look at them.
Don't look at them.
Just calm down.
They might just pass you by.
Just don't attract attention.
Not too fast, not too slow.
Just easy as she goes.
Easy as she goes.
"Hello, officer, how can I help you?" "Sorry to pull you over, Mr Mulvaney, "but we've had a report from a shopkeeper who has informed us that" "You don't believe him, do you?" "Well, Mr Mulvaney, the shopkeeper has, er" "No, no officer.
Hold on a second here! "This is my word against his, and you're taking the side of a shopkeeper? "Officer, look around you.
Why would I lie? "Open your eyes and look.
" "Well, Mr Mulvaney, the CCTV footage clearly shows" Of course! CCTV.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
It never happened.
Ah, right, I've got wan, right, I've got Listen to this.
You know how you get they programmes like Booze Britain or Binge Britain - or whatever they're called? - Aye.
Right, you get lassies, and they've got the tutus on and they're wrecked and pishin' a' ower the place, - just making a fool o' themselves, right? - Aye.
How aboot a character like that? What do you think o' that? - What, just a drunk lassie? - Aye.
Well, a character called Drunk Lassie and she's just wrecked.
A' the time.
- So - Like, she's like wrecked, she turns up wrecked at really inappropriate situations.
Like, eh, like a wedding or like a funeral.
Right, aye, like a funeral.
So imagine that they're playing Abide With Me, you know, on the organ like that.
Doo-doo doo-doo Doo doo-doo-doo And then you just hear this Drrrrm! And it would be her up.
She's fell ower the organ and she's like that, "Wahey!" And she's got the tutu on, sick doon her, she's fallin' a' ower the organ, like that.
"Wahey!" - I don't know.
- I think it would be hilarious.
They're hilarious in that programme, in't they? You've seen them? - Aye, but I think that's like mainly - "Wahey!" mainly because it's real, do you know what I mean? It's reality.
Aye, but just picture her like falling into the coffin, knocking the coffin ower and everybody like that, "Oh, my God!" See, I think I kind of prefer the mushroom guy, to be honest.
Aye, same here.
(WHISPERS) You're a liar.
(LOUDER) You're a liar.
You're a liar Liar, liar.
(LOUDER STILL) You're a liar.
You're a liar, a liar.
A liar.
You're a liar, a liar, a liar What's that, what's that noise? Hmm? (MOUTHS) (OWL HOOTS) It never happened.
D'you ever get bored? This bored.
Excuse me.
D'you know where A1 Comics is? I cannae - A1 Comics - Hey.
There, it's there.
Och, so it is! So bored.
So bored.
What dae yous think a' Gie's a minute.
- Um - You've nae ideas left.
You've nae ideas left.
- You're shite.
- You've nae ideas left.
- You're shite.
- Lalalalalala! - You've nae ideas left.
- You're shite.
- You've nae ideas left.
- Your best years are behind ye, mate.
- You're shite.
- Lalalalalala! - Your best years are behind ye, mate.
- You're shite.
- You've nae ideas left.
- Your best years are behind ye, mate.
- You're going insane.
- Your best years are behind you, mate.
- Lalalalalala! - You're going insane! - You're shite.
- You're going insane.
- Your best years are behind you, mate.
- Lalalalalala.
- Your best years are behind you, mate.
- You're shite.
- Lalalalalala! - Your best years are behind you, mate.
- You're going insane.
- You're shite.
Right Naw, naw, gie's a minute.
Fuckin' I was on the bus, right? Cannae mind what for.
And oot the corner o'ma eye, I spots the scariest thing I've ever seen in ma life.
Hanging oot the pocket o' the guy staunin'next to us orange peels.
Fuckin' orange peels.
Just didnae add up.
Here was this businessman.
Pure immaculate.
Pure big paper.
Pure suit.
But hanging oot the suit's aboot hauf a dozen oranges' worth of orange peels? Naw, that just doesnae add up, man.
Something was seriously wrang wi' this picture.
Tried to calm masel' doon.
Thought, "Look, Dee Dee, there's probably "a perfectly logical explanation for a' this.
" When the guy was waiting for the bus in the mornin', instead o'havin'a fag like everybody else, he got tore into some oranges like a fitness fanatic, right? When the bus turned up, he couldnae find a bin for his peels.
So he just jammed them in his pocket, rather than chuck them on the deck.
Cos he's a fitness fanatic, right? Cool.
Case closed.
But then I thought, "There's just one mair thing.
" Like Columbo, right? I thought, "If that was me "If I had these trampy orange peels hanging oot ma pocket "I'd be like that, 'Oh, here, I forgot aboot them.
'" I'd be pure trying to hide them frae everybody.
In case they thought I was mental.
But this guy doesnae gie two fucks.
Cool as a cucumber.
And then it clicked.
It's cos this guy is a psycho.
Started worrying.
Started thinking aboot other psychos on buses that you hear aboot.
The wans that blow buses up.
Started wondering what he was gonnae dae on ma bus.
Started having a panic attack.
Then he looked at me.
I was like that, "Game over, Dee Dee.
Game over.
" I don't know what this guy's mission is, but it's game over.
Any second noo.
Or any second noo (GUNSHOT) Or any second noo.
(BUS ENGINE STARTS) Just didnae add up.
(LAUGHS) What happened to your wristbands? You know, they yella wrist bands yous were a' wearing a few years ago, what happened to them? You know the cancer wans, the cancer awareness wans? Cos I remember yous a' had wan.
You know, yous a' had wan, and noo? Naebody.
Just wonderin' why yous took them aff? Has there been a cure for cancer? Has there been? Cos naebody's told me.
That's fantastic! Has there been a cure? I'm only kidding.
I know there's been nae cure for cancer.
I'm just wonderin' why ye's have taken them aff, that's a'.
Cos it's as if Oh, no, that's a terrible thing for me to think.
I just I was just thinking there, it's as if yous just woke up wan mornin', looked at your cancer awareness wristband and thought, "See this, see this cancer awareness wristband? "Bin! Cancer awareness, bin!" Like ye's cannae be arsed wi' it any mair, like's it went oot o' vogue.
That's a terrible thing for me to think, in't it? That's like me sayin' that cancer awareness for you was like nothing mair than a fashion statement.
That's a terrible thing for me to think, isn't it? Don't get me wrang, I don't know what your reasons are for taking aff your cancer awareness wristband despite there being nae cure for cancer, I'm just Just noticing.
Oh, right, right! Tell me what you think of this.
Right, this wan's, this wan's a bit like Drunk Lassie, right, it's a wee bit - Right.
Do you remember Drunk Lassie? - Aye.
- Drunk Lassie, drunk a' the time, right? - Uh-huh.
Well, this character's just like that, only this character's called Soakin' Guy.
So, for like, he's just soakin' a' the time.
Nae explanation like.
It's no' like it's been raining.
It's no' like somebody's put a bucket o' water ower him.
He's just like that.
He's just soakin', utterly soakin', I mean drenched.
Completely drenched a' the time.
The thing is like he turns up at these situations, turns up at like really inappropriate situations like, er, you know, like a funeral I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I know, I know, that was shite.
I know, I know that was shite.
Even for a sketch where shite ideas are the joke, that was shite.
I'm sorry, I'm a big enough man to admit it.
It was shite.
From the back to the middle and round again, I'm going to be there till the end 100% pure love From the back to the middle and round again, I'm going to be there till the end 100% pure love Hiya.
- Hi.
- This is a bit of a strange question, - but can you tell me how to get there? - Where is it? Where was the photo taken? Oh, I know.
That's Millport.
Right, what you would do is get the train to Largs.
From there, you get the ferry.
The train takes roughly No, sorry, I know how to get to Millport, but can you tell me how to get to there? That is Millport.
I know, but Sorry, you're confusing me now.
Where is it that you want to go? No, you're right, it is Millport.
You're right, but See, I took that photie when I was aboot 16, that's me there.
Some day that, some summer.
Just, some laugh, tons o' pals and we just a' just kick aboot a' day.
You just The summer just seemed to go on forever, just kick aboot, no thinkin' aboot the morra.
What we're daen' the day efter that, the day efter that.
Just kickin' aboot.
Nae aggro, nae fightin', nothin'.
Just havin' a laugh.
Jumpin' aff the pier and swimming aboot and a' that.
And then, at night, like every second night, we'd all go for a carry oot, we'd all gie oor money to the auldest-lookin' wan, they'd try and get served an' "Get us a bottle o' that Merrydown, get us a bottle o' Olde English, "get us Diamond White and a' that.
Get us a quarter-bottle o' voddy.
" "Are ye only getting a quarter-bottle of voddy?" "Get us a hauf, then.
" And just fallin' aboot steamin'.
Ye cannae get away wi' that nooadays, but it was a laugh.
We were just, nae aggro, nae nae fightin', nuthin' like that.
Just fallin' aboot.
We made mistakes, I know we made mistakes.
But that was just part o' life.
It's just part o' livin', win't it? That's what it wis, it wis livin'.
Nuthin' like noo, it's I don't want to be here any mair.
I don't want to be here.
I want to be there.
So can you tell me how do I get there? Ye cannae dae that, I'm sorry.
Aye.
Just gie us a return to Largs, then.
£7.
95.
(PLAYS MOURNFUL TUNE) - Are you all right? - Brilliant.
I don't feel anything, hen.
I know, I'm numb as well.
It just happened so quickly, didn't it? I'm no' numb.
I'm on top of the world.
These are great, these wee things.
What things? Eccies.
Wahey! Yeah! Oh, my God.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? What's the ploblem? It's cracked open.
Here, you! D'you want this mushroom? Aw! Phrrrrrrrr! Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of the show.
Hope you enjoyed it! See you later.
All right? This first one is based In fact, haud on.
Welcome to Limmy's Show.
Right, this first wan's based on I was in the pub a few months ago having a breakfast, right, this big fry-up breakfast.
And on the plate was a mushroom - a big fried mushroom, right.
And I don't like mushrooms, so I didnae eat it, but I thought that's a waste, this mushroom just going to waste.
It'd be good if I could go up to wan of the other tables and say, just approach them, just go, "Excuse me, do you want this mushroom?" I just thought of an idea that a character that does that, just goes like that a' the time, just goes up to people and goes like that, "Excuse me, do you want this mushroom? "Do you want this mushroom?" Just goes up wi' this big gigantic plate with this big mushroom at the edge.
"Do you want this mushroom?" Mmm-hmm.
The thing is, he's no' like, he's no' just like a guy in a pub.
He could be like anywhere.
He could turn up anywhere, at any time, just like in really inappropriate and really funny, inappropriate situations, like a Like Imagine like a funeral.
So he turns up at a funeral, so it would be like, everybody would be like that "Amen!" And then you'd hear this "Do you want this mushroom? "Do you want this mushroom?" I don't know.
Just picture it.
You know, a huge, huge mushroom at the Aye, just forget it.
And I hope you know how serious a situation this is.
This isn't an official verbal warning, but let me tell you, right now, you are literally walking on very thin ice.
Naw, I'm no'.
The hotel Oh, the hotel! It was the best part of the holiday.
See when we got there and we saw the reception, - we were literally over the moon.
- What, was the hotel in space, aye? Have you seen ma keys? Go on, look for ma keys, because they were literally right here.
Oh, they were "literally" right here, were they? I'm so glad you said they were "literally" right here, because if you just said they were right here, I would have started looking for them ower there.
Do you know what I mean? Enough! (MANIC LAUGHTER) You'll never catch me! I'm your worstest nightmare! Right, here's wan for you, right? This is a daft wan.
You'll either love it or you'll hate it.
You'll probably hate it.
It's a It's a character that goes like this, right.
Listen.
What's the ploblem? - What's the - What's the ploblem? What are you saying? What's the Ploblem.
It's like problem, only wi' an L instead of an R.
What's the ploblem? What's the ploblem? What's the ploblem? So what is the plobl I mean, problem? It's funny, in't it? What did you say? What is the problem? I don't know, I've never thought aboot it.
I just think it's this guy that goes like that, "What's the ploblem? "What's the ploblem? What's the ploblem?" So, does he ever actually sort any problems oot? Naw, he Well, naw, well, he could.
Well, aye, he could, he could like turn up at, um I don't know, like funerals an' Naw, I know what he could do, right.
He could sort oot, like, imagine like really, like serious global situations like imminent nuclear war, that kind of thing.
So imagine it's like North Korea and America, and they're just ready to go head-to-head nuclear war, and he steps in, he just sorts it right oot, just by saying that, just sorts it right oot.
Well Just try it, just try it.
Like, you imagine North Korea and America.
You go like that, "We're gonna nuke you.
" And you go like that, "We're gonna nuke you.
" Try that back and forward.
- We're gonna nuke you.
- We're gonna nuke you.
- We're gonna nuke you.
- We're gonna nuke you.
- We're gonna nuke you.
- We're gonna nuke you.
- We're gonna nuke you.
- We're gonna nuke you.
- We're gonna nuke you.
- We're gonna nuke you.
- We're going to nuke you.
- We're going to nuke you.
- What's the ploblem? - We're going nuke you! - We're going to nuke you.
- We're going to nuke you.
Naw, then, that would be it.
It would stop there.
That would be it.
It's the way he says it.
It's, um, like "What's the ploblem?" It's the funny way he says it.
"What's the ploblem? What's the ploblem? What's the ploblem?" Naw, I just don't get it.
No, wait a minute.
There's a way I was daen' it in the hoose, whit was it? What's the ploblem? It's this way I was daen' it What's the ploblem? What's the ploblem What's the - Limmy.
- What's the What's the ploblem? What's the ploblem? What's the ploblem? Brian.
Awright, right.
(DOORBELL RINGS) - You want to buy 21 gigawatts? - (SCREAMING) I had to get a brand-new computer the other day, man.
Just pure lost the plot.
(BLEEPING) Aw! (RINGTONE) - Awright? - Awright, Junior.
I've fucked up ma computer up again.
Gonnae come up - Ha, ha, ha! - Gonnae come ower and fix it? - What have you done to it this time? - I don't know.
Ha, ha, ha, ah-ha, ha! See that laugh, mate, see if you werenae ma cousin! - Sorry, I'm on ma way.
- Cool.
Aw, hurry up, man! (RINGTONE) - Ha, hee, ha, ha, eh, ha, ha, ha! - What you laughing at? I'm on the train, right.
I'm nearly there.
Gonnae hurry up, cos this is daen' ma nut in? I cannae make the train go any quicker than - Sorry.
- Who was that? Oh.
It was just someone wanting me to be quiet.
Anyway - What? Where's he getting aff? - I don't know.
- D'you no' hear him buy a ticket? - Oh, I did.
He's getting off at yours.
But but, John Paul Yas! - Awright! How's it gaun? - Is that him there, aye? - Aye, but no.
Gonnae just leave him? - Awright, 'member me, mate? Crash! - What's going on? - Back the way ye came! - What are you hitting me for? - Naw.
No, no' that way - that way.
Go on! That's it! That's it, up ye go, mate.
That's it.
Heave-ho! See if you try and sneak back here, I'll cut ye to ribbons, awright? Gonnae just leave him, John Paul? - He only telled me to be quiet.
- Shut up, you.
D'you want to fix my computer or no'? You know what? Naw, right? I don't think I do.
Dae ye no', right? Well, you go join him then, go on.
John Paul There ye go.
There ye go, a wee companion there.
Go and gie him a wee puntie up.
There, ye've got a wee companion there, mate! Gie you a couple of wee Traveling Wilburys, man.
(BLEEPING) Aw! - We need to talk.
- What aboot? I want to split up.
Split up? What for? I'm fed up.
Really fed up.
I've been fed up for years.
We don't go oot.
We don't dae anything.
I don't understaun.
This is totally oot the blue.
I thought we were gettin' on.
What's happened? Nothing's happened.
That's what's wrang.
I feel like I'm no' - We're no' - We're no' what? What's wrang? I don't know.
I'm talking shite.
Just forget it.
- Is everything awright? - Aye.
All my friends will be moving on.
They've all got plans.
But I don't know what to do with my life.
I feel so worthless.
I love my family, but I can't take much more of this.
Somewhere along the lines, I forgot who I was.
And now I'm lost.
It's a steady job.
It pays well.
So I can't complain.
I shouldn't complain.
I mustn't complain.
Sound familiar? Things getting to you? Feel like letting oot a wee cry for help? Then dae it.
But for God's sake, don't try an' kill yourself.
Don't cut yourself up.
Don't bring yourself to harm in any way whatsoever.
If you want to let oot a cry for help, I've got just the thing.
Pish yersel'.
Oh, my God, Limmy.
Are you OK? What's wrang? - Limmy's pished hissel'! - Oh, you're joking! Oh, c'mon, Limmy, mate, let's get you up.
Aw, whit's wrang wi' him? He needs a break.
He's had enough.
Oh, I knew things were gettin' to ye.
C'mon, we'll get you some help.
We're here for you, mate.
(DIALS NUMBER) (RINGTONE) Good morning, Mulvaney Group.
- Cathy, it's, er, Mr Mulvaney here.
- Hello, Mr Mulvaney.
Cathy, I'm running a little late for the sub-directors' meeting, so could you begin putting the reports out on the boardroom table, please? No bother.
I'd just like them to get familiar with the numbers before I get there.
There are three reports in total, I believe.
The first one is Hello? Are you still there, Mr Mulvaney? Cathy, can I call you back, please? - No bother.
- Thank you.
(PHONE DISCONNECTS) OK.
OK.
Just just calm down there.
Calm down.
Just don't look.
Don't look at them.
Don't look at them.
Just calm down.
They might just pass you by.
Just don't attract attention.
Not too fast, not too slow.
Just easy as she goes.
Easy as she goes.
"Hello, officer, how can I help you?" "Sorry to pull you over, Mr Mulvaney, "but we've had a report from a shopkeeper who has informed us that" "You don't believe him, do you?" "Well, Mr Mulvaney, the shopkeeper has, er" "No, no officer.
Hold on a second here! "This is my word against his, and you're taking the side of a shopkeeper? "Officer, look around you.
Why would I lie? "Open your eyes and look.
" "Well, Mr Mulvaney, the CCTV footage clearly shows" Of course! CCTV.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
Oh, no.
It never happened.
Ah, right, I've got wan, right, I've got Listen to this.
You know how you get they programmes like Booze Britain or Binge Britain - or whatever they're called? - Aye.
Right, you get lassies, and they've got the tutus on and they're wrecked and pishin' a' ower the place, - just making a fool o' themselves, right? - Aye.
How aboot a character like that? What do you think o' that? - What, just a drunk lassie? - Aye.
Well, a character called Drunk Lassie and she's just wrecked.
A' the time.
- So - Like, she's like wrecked, she turns up wrecked at really inappropriate situations.
Like, eh, like a wedding or like a funeral.
Right, aye, like a funeral.
So imagine that they're playing Abide With Me, you know, on the organ like that.
Doo-doo doo-doo Doo doo-doo-doo And then you just hear this Drrrrm! And it would be her up.
She's fell ower the organ and she's like that, "Wahey!" And she's got the tutu on, sick doon her, she's fallin' a' ower the organ, like that.
"Wahey!" - I don't know.
- I think it would be hilarious.
They're hilarious in that programme, in't they? You've seen them? - Aye, but I think that's like mainly - "Wahey!" mainly because it's real, do you know what I mean? It's reality.
Aye, but just picture her like falling into the coffin, knocking the coffin ower and everybody like that, "Oh, my God!" See, I think I kind of prefer the mushroom guy, to be honest.
Aye, same here.
(WHISPERS) You're a liar.
(LOUDER) You're a liar.
You're a liar Liar, liar.
(LOUDER STILL) You're a liar.
You're a liar, a liar.
A liar.
You're a liar, a liar, a liar What's that, what's that noise? Hmm? (MOUTHS) (OWL HOOTS) It never happened.
D'you ever get bored? This bored.
Excuse me.
D'you know where A1 Comics is? I cannae - A1 Comics - Hey.
There, it's there.
Och, so it is! So bored.
So bored.
What dae yous think a' Gie's a minute.
- Um - You've nae ideas left.
You've nae ideas left.
- You're shite.
- You've nae ideas left.
- You're shite.
- Lalalalalala! - You've nae ideas left.
- You're shite.
- You've nae ideas left.
- Your best years are behind ye, mate.
- You're shite.
- Lalalalalala! - Your best years are behind ye, mate.
- You're shite.
- You've nae ideas left.
- Your best years are behind ye, mate.
- You're going insane.
- Your best years are behind you, mate.
- Lalalalalala! - You're going insane! - You're shite.
- You're going insane.
- Your best years are behind you, mate.
- Lalalalalala.
- Your best years are behind you, mate.
- You're shite.
- Lalalalalala! - Your best years are behind you, mate.
- You're going insane.
- You're shite.
Right Naw, naw, gie's a minute.
Fuckin' I was on the bus, right? Cannae mind what for.
And oot the corner o'ma eye, I spots the scariest thing I've ever seen in ma life.
Hanging oot the pocket o' the guy staunin'next to us orange peels.
Fuckin' orange peels.
Just didnae add up.
Here was this businessman.
Pure immaculate.
Pure big paper.
Pure suit.
But hanging oot the suit's aboot hauf a dozen oranges' worth of orange peels? Naw, that just doesnae add up, man.
Something was seriously wrang wi' this picture.
Tried to calm masel' doon.
Thought, "Look, Dee Dee, there's probably "a perfectly logical explanation for a' this.
" When the guy was waiting for the bus in the mornin', instead o'havin'a fag like everybody else, he got tore into some oranges like a fitness fanatic, right? When the bus turned up, he couldnae find a bin for his peels.
So he just jammed them in his pocket, rather than chuck them on the deck.
Cos he's a fitness fanatic, right? Cool.
Case closed.
But then I thought, "There's just one mair thing.
" Like Columbo, right? I thought, "If that was me "If I had these trampy orange peels hanging oot ma pocket "I'd be like that, 'Oh, here, I forgot aboot them.
'" I'd be pure trying to hide them frae everybody.
In case they thought I was mental.
But this guy doesnae gie two fucks.
Cool as a cucumber.
And then it clicked.
It's cos this guy is a psycho.
Started worrying.
Started thinking aboot other psychos on buses that you hear aboot.
The wans that blow buses up.
Started wondering what he was gonnae dae on ma bus.
Started having a panic attack.
Then he looked at me.
I was like that, "Game over, Dee Dee.
Game over.
" I don't know what this guy's mission is, but it's game over.
Any second noo.
Or any second noo (GUNSHOT) Or any second noo.
(BUS ENGINE STARTS) Just didnae add up.
(LAUGHS) What happened to your wristbands? You know, they yella wrist bands yous were a' wearing a few years ago, what happened to them? You know the cancer wans, the cancer awareness wans? Cos I remember yous a' had wan.
You know, yous a' had wan, and noo? Naebody.
Just wonderin' why yous took them aff? Has there been a cure for cancer? Has there been? Cos naebody's told me.
That's fantastic! Has there been a cure? I'm only kidding.
I know there's been nae cure for cancer.
I'm just wonderin' why ye's have taken them aff, that's a'.
Cos it's as if Oh, no, that's a terrible thing for me to think.
I just I was just thinking there, it's as if yous just woke up wan mornin', looked at your cancer awareness wristband and thought, "See this, see this cancer awareness wristband? "Bin! Cancer awareness, bin!" Like ye's cannae be arsed wi' it any mair, like's it went oot o' vogue.
That's a terrible thing for me to think, in't it? That's like me sayin' that cancer awareness for you was like nothing mair than a fashion statement.
That's a terrible thing for me to think, isn't it? Don't get me wrang, I don't know what your reasons are for taking aff your cancer awareness wristband despite there being nae cure for cancer, I'm just Just noticing.
Oh, right, right! Tell me what you think of this.
Right, this wan's, this wan's a bit like Drunk Lassie, right, it's a wee bit - Right.
Do you remember Drunk Lassie? - Aye.
- Drunk Lassie, drunk a' the time, right? - Uh-huh.
Well, this character's just like that, only this character's called Soakin' Guy.
So, for like, he's just soakin' a' the time.
Nae explanation like.
It's no' like it's been raining.
It's no' like somebody's put a bucket o' water ower him.
He's just like that.
He's just soakin', utterly soakin', I mean drenched.
Completely drenched a' the time.
The thing is like he turns up at these situations, turns up at like really inappropriate situations like, er, you know, like a funeral I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I know, I know, that was shite.
I know, I know that was shite.
Even for a sketch where shite ideas are the joke, that was shite.
I'm sorry, I'm a big enough man to admit it.
It was shite.
From the back to the middle and round again, I'm going to be there till the end 100% pure love From the back to the middle and round again, I'm going to be there till the end 100% pure love Hiya.
- Hi.
- This is a bit of a strange question, - but can you tell me how to get there? - Where is it? Where was the photo taken? Oh, I know.
That's Millport.
Right, what you would do is get the train to Largs.
From there, you get the ferry.
The train takes roughly No, sorry, I know how to get to Millport, but can you tell me how to get to there? That is Millport.
I know, but Sorry, you're confusing me now.
Where is it that you want to go? No, you're right, it is Millport.
You're right, but See, I took that photie when I was aboot 16, that's me there.
Some day that, some summer.
Just, some laugh, tons o' pals and we just a' just kick aboot a' day.
You just The summer just seemed to go on forever, just kick aboot, no thinkin' aboot the morra.
What we're daen' the day efter that, the day efter that.
Just kickin' aboot.
Nae aggro, nae fightin', nothin'.
Just havin' a laugh.
Jumpin' aff the pier and swimming aboot and a' that.
And then, at night, like every second night, we'd all go for a carry oot, we'd all gie oor money to the auldest-lookin' wan, they'd try and get served an' "Get us a bottle o' that Merrydown, get us a bottle o' Olde English, "get us Diamond White and a' that.
Get us a quarter-bottle o' voddy.
" "Are ye only getting a quarter-bottle of voddy?" "Get us a hauf, then.
" And just fallin' aboot steamin'.
Ye cannae get away wi' that nooadays, but it was a laugh.
We were just, nae aggro, nae nae fightin', nuthin' like that.
Just fallin' aboot.
We made mistakes, I know we made mistakes.
But that was just part o' life.
It's just part o' livin', win't it? That's what it wis, it wis livin'.
Nuthin' like noo, it's I don't want to be here any mair.
I don't want to be here.
I want to be there.
So can you tell me how do I get there? Ye cannae dae that, I'm sorry.
Aye.
Just gie us a return to Largs, then.
£7.
95.
(PLAYS MOURNFUL TUNE) - Are you all right? - Brilliant.
I don't feel anything, hen.
I know, I'm numb as well.
It just happened so quickly, didn't it? I'm no' numb.
I'm on top of the world.
These are great, these wee things.
What things? Eccies.
Wahey! Yeah! Oh, my God.
Knock, knock.
Who's there? What's the ploblem? It's cracked open.
Here, you! D'you want this mushroom? Aw! Phrrrrrrrr! Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's the end of the show.
Hope you enjoyed it! See you later.