Little Britain (UK) s01e06 Episode Script

Britain, Britain, Britain! Discovered by Sir Henry Britain in 16-010.
Sold to Germany a year later for a pfennig and the promise of a kiss.
Destroyed in 1830-42 and rebuilt a week later by a man.
This we know.
Hello.
But what of the people of Britain? Who they? What do? And why? Inside 10 Downing Street, the Prime Minister is having a meeting with the Chancellor.
When I say ''the Prime Minister'', I don't mean the real Prime Minister.
I just mean that guy out of ''Buffy''.
So, in principle, the budget is approved, is it? Yes, though you might like to have a look at the focus-group report that's come through.
Do you have that, Sebastian? Oh! That should make for interesting reading, Prime Minister (!) - Is that all? - Yes.
Though I must say, Robert, I do feel rather undermined that you consistently distance yourself from me in public.
If you're gonna stand against me for the leadership, come out and say so.
Yeah! Prime Minister, if and when I have ambitions for the leadership, you'll be the first to know.
- Yeah, right (!) - Thank you, Sebastian.
- Yeah, but, you know, he's so two-faced.
- Yes, thank you.
I heard you had a private meeting with the Home Secretary this morning.
- The question of leadership never arose.
- Oh, you lying cow! - Sebastian! - I don't know what you're getting het up about.
- The public won't vote for him.
- Why not? Well, look at you! You're overweight, you're losing your hair.
The Prime Minister is gorgeous.
Well, I wouldn't know, but he is.
Maybe if I was to stand, it would be about policies, not presentation.
- So you ARE standing? - I didn't say that.
Just try it, just try it! If you must know, I AM going to stand.
I shall announce it in the House tomorrow.
Sebastian, would you like to show the ex-Chancellor out now? Get out! That showed her! Right, we're gonna book you a manicure, a pedicure, a facial, the works! Here we are at the offices of theatrical agent Jeremy Rent.
I had an agent once before I made the mistake of strangling her.
Well, I'm sorry, but Richard O'Sullivan doesn't get out of bed for less than £50.
Good day! Ah, Dennis! Do come in, dear heart.
Lovely to see you.
Take a seat.
I've got some wonderful news.
- I got you an ice cream.
- Oh, thank you.
Oh, yours looks bigger than mine.
No, it's the same size.
Anyway, I've had a fax this morning from Euston Films.
Now, where is it? Can you hold this a moment, please? - Here we are.
- I don't think I can hold it for much longer.
Just pop it down.
''Sonia Chance, the new head of ITV, has requested a new series of 'Minder' for the spring.
''Would Dennis be interested?'' I don't want any more.
Oh, well, just give it here.
I've done a ring round.
George Cole's on board and they're talking to Dave the Barman's people.
Oh, that's nice.
They want me to star in it, write the theme tune, sing the theme tune? Well, yes, I imagine they do.
They're very keen.
Sonia Chance has been ringing me all morning.
- (PHONE RINGS) - That'll probably be her now.
Hello? Sonia! - Yes, he's right here.
- Let me speak to her.
Passing you over.
Hello, Sonia? Oh, so you want me to reprise my role as Terry McCann? Write the theme tune, sing the theme tune? No, thanks.
I've moved on.
Those are buses, but, anyway, at his surgery in Darkley Noone, Dr Alburn is examining one of his patients.
OK, Vicky, you can put the clothes back on.
Now, after having had a good look at you, it's pretty obvious to me what the diagnosis is.
I've got the lurgy.
Yeah.
I knew 'cause we was all down the arcade and Kelly flobbed on Destiny and a bit landed in my hair 'cause Kelly hates Destiny.
Destiny told Warren that Kelly pads her bra.
Nathan put his hand down there and pulled out a bag of Jelly Tots.
Uh No, Vicky, I have to tell you, you are in fact eight months pregnant.
No, you can only get pregnant by sitting in someone else's bath water.
If anyone's pregnant, it's Jo Rowley 'cause she had her hand down Ashley's trackie bottoms.
Well, you are pregnant, so you must have had sexual intercourse eight months ago.
No but, yeah but, no but, yeah but, no but, yeah but, no but, yeah but, no but, yeah but No, because apart from that one time eight months ago, I'm a complete virgin.
- So you have had sex at least once? - Yeah, as a joke! God, this is like being back at school! You know Trish? - Trish who? - Trish.
Trish Trish.
- Trish.
Rochelle and Trish? - No.
She ain't got nothin' to do with it.
She weren't even there! She dared Melody she wouldn't nick a Hubba Bubba off Darren, but Darren ain't got no pubes.
Vicky, I would strongly advise you for the sake of your baby to give up smoking and drinking.
I so can't believe you just said that! I smoked like once for two years when I was like nine.
I only drink to numb the pain of my worthless life, so you're well out of order! Right, what I'm going to do is I am going to refer you to our Young Mothers' Unit at the City Hospital.
You'll have to pop down there this afternoon.
Is there someone who can accompany you? I'm not asking Shelley 'cause she's a slag! OK, someone else.
Perhaps your mother? That IS my mother.
In Hamham, ex-0lympic athlete Denver Mills has been booked to give an after-dinner speech.
- .
.
completely covered in - Save it for the speech, Denver.
- You don't want to go through it first? - No, I trust you.
I'll just introduce you.
A little bit of hush, ladies and gentlemen.
That includes you, Detective Inspector Willow! (LAUGHTER) OK, it is time to introduce you to our special guest speaker of the evening.
You may have seen him on ''They Think It's All Over''.
Please give it up for Olympic silver medallist, Denver Mills! (APPLAUSE) Evening, all! It's great to be here.
You know, when I was a lad, I always dreamed of going into the force.
But maybe being an Olympic athlete isn't so different from being a police officer.
First of all, we both get a lot of practice running after black guys.
The difference is I beat some of mine.
I mean caught up with them, not beat them like you do! I'll just go.
Excuse me.
Since cigarette smoking has become mandatory, newsagents in Britain have flourished.
Right, now, you know it's Declan's birthday coming up.
- Who? - Declan, your brother.
- Yeah, I know.
- It's his birthday.
You've got to get him a card.
- Can you see any you like? - I want that one.
- That one? - Yeah.
- That says ''With deepest sympathy''.
- Yeah, I know.
That's what you send someone when somebody's died.
I want that one.
I'm not sure Declan's gonna like that.
It's gonna send out the wrong message.
Declan likes sailing boats.
Why don't we get one with sailing boats? I want that one! This one's got a sailing boat.
He likes sailing boats.
That one! Are you sure this is the card you want to send Declan for his birthday? Yeah, yeah, yeah! It's his birthday, he's not dead! Meanwhile, ''FatFighters'' course leader Marjorie Dawes has popped into her local supermarket to pick up a few sundriesand ''mondries'' and ''tuesdries'' and ''wednesdries''.
Oh, hello! - Sorry, do I know you? - I come to ''FatFighters''.
Oh, yes, Paul, isn't it? Sorry, so many people come to class that I can't possibly remember everybody.
- Is this yours? - Eh? No, no.
This is my trolley over here.
Oh, hello! What's his name? Baby.
Oh! - This is gonna have a lot of calories! - Yeah, it's for the baby.
Anyway, what's all this? Eh? Oh, dear! - We've found your Achilles foot, haven't we? - It's just a Tracker bar.
- ''Just a Tracker bar!'' Why do I bother? - Well, I'll put it back, then.
Don't come to ''FatFighters'' if you just stuff your face when my back is turned! If that's how you feel, maybe I shouldn't come.
No, do, do.
We need to keep the numbers up.
- OK.
Bye, then.
- Goodbye.
Hello, Marjorie.
Oh, hi, Meera.
Not mine.
Another man put them there or I don't know.
Scotland is a smashing place to take a holiday and regularly wins the award for ''Best Scottish holiday destination''.
(RUMBLE OF THUNDER) So what happened? It was a Sunday afternoon and we were all sat round watching the telly box.
- What were we watching, children? - ''Naked Video.
'' The ''Naked Video Comedy Show''.
The sprites were a-talking and a-laughing.
And then all of a sudden, pfff! All was darkness in the Kingdom of the Sprites.
- The screen went dead? - Yes! ''Awaken, sprites!'' I cried and tried to tempt them out like so.
(PLAYS TUNE: ''THE BIRDY SONG'') Oh, come out, ye sprites, ye naughty sprites! (PLAYS TUNE) - And that didnae work? - I'd love to say yes.
But, unfortunately, the answer is no.
You've got a faulty connection.
Try it now.
Argh! It's the arch-wizard himself! Avert thine eyes, children! He enters a room and with a budget of just £500, he makes it ''transform-ed''.
He is truly the master of the black arts.
(PLAYS SLIDING NOTE) Right, you said you had another TV you wanted me to look at.
Yes.
'Tis a curious thing.
By day, 'tis bright, but by night, 'tis as black as a black man's cape.
That is a window.
You do know that, don't you? Ye-e-es.
Psychiatrist Dr Lawrence lives with his children in this delightful old cottage here in Flatley Village.
Just look at it! What a beauty! I'd love to have one like that.
Now, we've got a special guest coming to stay with us this weekend who lives at the hospital where Daddy works.
Her name is Anne and we've got to be extra special nice to her, OK? - Eh! Eh! Ehhh! - Say hello to Anne.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Eh! Eh! Ehhh! Eh! Eh! Ehhh! She's nice, isn't she? Hmm? Oh, yes, Anne loves goldfish.
She looks after the one at the hospital.
Don't you? Here we go.
Anne's painted a picture for you.
Say thank you.
Thank you.
Don't touch the middle of it.
Back at DIY Universe, Des Kaye is hard at work.
- Excuse me.
Where are the barbecues? - Over by the - Des! - Robin Dee.
How is everything over at Children's? I see the Bubble Twins are doing well for themselves.
- Yeah, still pulling in the viewers.
- This is the longest one they've got.
Dicky Bubble! Hello, Des! Oh, so you two just happen to be in the same shop on the same day.
Oh, what a coincidence! No.
We're a couple.
- My divorce came through.
- Oh, so you just Oh.
Are you working here now then, Des? (PA) Des Kaye to the stockroom, please.
No.
You must come in for a meeting sometime.
Oh, erm, I've actually got a big new show in development for ITV.
Well, uh, good luck with it.
Cheerio, Des.
But if you've got any money Thanks.
Those two are shoplifters.
As the sun sets in southern Britain, for those in the north, the day is just beginning.
Right.
I've got the brochures here.
Now, let's have a look and see where you wanna go.
That one.
- You wanna go there? - Yeah, that one.
- Well, that is Helsinki.
- Yeah, I know.
- You wanna go to Helsinki? - Yeah.
We've got loads of brochures here.
We haven't even looked yet.
We could go to Rome or Barcelona or Florida.
You can go to Florida very cheap now.
Helsinki.
But you said Finland had a maudlin quality to it and it was unsuitable as a holiday destination.
- Yeah, I know.
- Where do you wanna go? - Helsinki.
- You're sticking with Helsinki? Helsinki.
I wanna go to Florida! At Kelsey Grammar School, Mr Cleeves is busy taking the register.
- Unman.
- Here.
- Wittering.
- Here.
And Zigo, absent.
Hurry up, come along.
Thank you.
Just a couple of points from the headmaster.
Any boys who signed for the school trip to the moon need to pay their deposit by Friday.
That's £5.
The bring-and-buy sale on Sunday in the car park raised over 36 million pounds for Ethiopian famine.
Well done.
''Minewhile'', at the offices of the Royal Shakespeare Company - Found your Boy yet? - Sorry, who are you? - We sent you a letter.
- Did you? Yes, we did do.
Raif wanted to audition for the part of the Boy in ''Henry V''.
- I'm afraid we've cast that part now.
- I know.
Perhaps he can audition for us next season.
- You never even replied.
- Really? What's your name? - Speak up.
- Ralph.
- Raif.
- Raif Patterson.
Well, it is our policy to reply to all letters.
I'll just see if we have it on file.
Yes.
Here it is.
I must say we thought it was awind-up.
Why's that? - ''Dear Bastard'' - Just trying to get your attention! ''My name is RalphRaif Patterson and I am the best actor in the world ever.
'' Yeah, we did toy with ''ever ever'', but we didn't want him to come across as arrogant.
''You may have seen me in 'The Demon Headmaster'.
'' Were you in that? - I had a line.
- Go on, do it, do it! - Hello.
- Told you he was good.
Told you he was good! ''I've always loved Shakespeare's plays and I'm delighted to hear he's written a new one.
''I would be a'' What does that say? ''.
.
a brilliant'' Sorry, it's quite difficult writing in blood.
''I would be a brilliant Boy in it or even Henry V himself.
'' Brackets - ''Did you see 'Bodger and Badger'?'' - close brackets.
You see, we always had Jonathan Pryce in place for the King.
Him? He's Chinese, isn't he? ''Give me this job, you shit.
''Yours sincerely, Raif Paterson.
'' Is it a yes now or do I have to dangle him out the window? Yes Don't have all the sandwiches, Emma.
Anne might like some.
Eh! Eh! Ehhh! Thank you, Anne.
Now do help yourself to sandwiches and cakes.
- Those are egg and those are tuna.
- Eh! Eh! Ehhh! That's right, that's egg.
- Eh! Eh! Ehhh! - And that's tuna.
- Eh! Eh! Ehhh! - (MOBILE PHONE RINGS) Hello? I'm at someone's house at the minute.
Can I call you back? It's a bit rude.
OK.
All right.
Bye-bye.
Eh! Eh! Ehhh! (PLAYS GENTLE PIECE) Oh, forgot to set the video for ''Room 101''! (PLAYS LOUD DISCORDANT NOTE) Sorry! This is the home of romantic novelist Dame Sally Markham.
Books in Britain have recently become very popular thanks to the invention of reading.
''Yes,'' cried Geraldine.
''I will marry you.
'' ''I will, I will!'' The end.
How many pages? Twelve.
Oh.
''Do you know the Bible?'' said Lord Harper.
''No,'' said Geraldine.
''I've never even heard of it.
'' ''It's really good,'' said Lord Harper.
''Let me read it to you.
'' ''OK, then,'' said Geraldine.
''Chapter One.
Genesis.
''In the beginning God created Heaven and Earth.
'' You'll find the rest of the Bible on the shelf, Miss Grace.
Wake me up when you've finished.
In this board room in Gore, a meeting is taking place.
The room doesn't look that bored to me.
It looks quite perky.
Sales have dropped, but I'm not too concerned Here's one for you! Nutty Nut Nuts! Real nuts covered in Wait for it! Nuts! How about that for starters? Er, this is a private meeting.
I've just been in the supermarket and your cereals aren't selling.
There's boxes of 'em! If you have any ideas, just jot them down and send them in.
Nick, play fair.
The lad's come in with a few ideas.
He's shown some pluck and initiative.
- Let's hear him out.
- Thank you, Grandad.
Suga Poofs.
Gay men frosted with sugar.
Interesting.
Golden Graeme.
Dr Graeme Garden cut up and covered in delicious gold.
- Not sure.
- Coco Pups.
Real puppy dogs smothered in chocolate.
Not for us.
For the health-conscious amongst you, how about an apple? I can't really see it.
- Rice Krispies.
- No.
Er, slice of toast? - No.
- Full English? This isn't what we're looking for.
We'd be grateful if What if I told you I could invent a cereal that would make everybody who ate it beautiful? - Can you? - No.
- Get out! - You heard him.
Out! It is a sad day in Andy's flat and Lou is being as gentle as he can with him.
You know it's Maria's funeral today, don't you? Yeah, I know.
We'd better put you in your smart suit, shouldn't we? Yeah.
Who's Maria? Maria's the nice lady who looked after you before she got too ill.
Yeah, I know.
Let's just slip these off.
Oh, there you go! What a kerfuffle! I don't know how Maria coped on her own all those years! Right Let's just get these smart trousers on.
One foot Two foot.
There you go.
Oh, it's hard work! Right, let's find you a nice belt.
You want to look smart, give her a good send-off.
Good send-off, yeah.
Ah! This is the one Maria bought you.
Yeah.
Who's Maria? If you like to buy jigsaw puzzles with pieces missing or faulty electrical goods, then why not pop down to your local charity shop? - Excuse me.
- Yes? Do you know if anyone died in this? I don't know.
I couldn't say, I'm sorry.
This is very nice.
Yes, it's a lovely colour.
Do you know if anyone died in it? I don't know.
- We don't tend to ask.
- No, we don't tend to ask.
I think I'll leave it, then.
These pyjamas are beautiful.
Oh, yes.
They'rethey're pure silk.
Do you know if anyone died in them? Well, actually, a lady did come in yesterday with a big sack of men's clothes and said her husband died in his sleep, so he would have died in those.
I'll take them.
We're out in the garden, Anne, if you want to join us! Eh! Eh! Ehhh! We can play that later if you like.
Eh! Eh! Ehhh! Yeah, we don't need the toilet just now, Anne.
Eh! Eh! Ehhh! No, Anne.
That's Emma's guinea pig.
Put that back! Ohh! We'll get you another one.
In the seaside town of 0ld Haven, unconvincing transvestite Emily Howard has gone for a quiet stroll along the prom.
- Oh, lovely choice! - Yes.
I am a lady.
- Are you a lady? - Yes.
Isn't it lovely being a lady? I am one.
And being a lady, I love flowers.
Do you love flowers? - Yes.
- We're like two peas in a pod, aren't we? Yes.
Well, I must get back to my husband.
Yes, I have a husband.
They can be so terribly troublesome, these husbands, can't they? We should know, being ladies! - Shall we go? - Hello, I'm a friend of your wife.
- All right? - Yes, we're both ladies and we got chatting.
- Don't I know you from somewhere? - I don't think so.
I am a lady.
Yeah, I know you.
You're Eddie.
Eddie Howard.
- No, I am Emily Howard, a lady.
- We used to work together.
- I ain't ever worked down the docks! - Yeah, down the docks.
- You can vouch for me, can't you? - Well You, child! You know I'm a lady, don't you? No! You, man on the beach! You know I'm a lady, don't you? No, you're a bloke! I'm a lady and my name is Emily Howard! Look! ''Emily Howard.
'' Good day! It doesn't seem to be here.
Must have crawled out.
- Well, it'll be in here somewhere.
- Yeah.
And so we reach the end of another episode of ''Little Britain''.
If you have enjoyed this programme, you may like to know that there are other programmes available to watch on television, such as the news, cartoons and magazine programmes.
Good-boo!