Living Biblically (2018) s01e06 Episode Script

1 My name is Chip.
Life's been knocking me on my butt lately.
My best friend died out of nowhere.
Oh, I'm really gonna miss you, Ray.
- And my wife, well - Your girl's pregnant.
I hadn't opened a Bible in 20 years, but it's helped so many, and I needed help.
I've decided to live my life 100% by the Bible.
- To the letter.
- (LAUGHS) I get that reaction a lot.
But with the help of my God Squad, I'm becoming a better man, one verse at a time.
I am living biblically.
Guys, guess who's becoming a better person? I don't know, Chip.
Is it the guy aggressively bragging in my face? - (LAUGHS) - You got it.
(LAUGHS) You know the Bible says to be humble, right? Mm.
So does multiplatinum recording artist Kendrick Lamar.
Well, this is true.
And, uh, I am living 100% by the Bible, so no more bragging, okay? Gonna be tricky, though, 'cause it's pretty much all awesome all the time over here.
(LAUGHS) Wish I could say the same.
Last night, my dog ate my weed gummies.
Neither of us had the night we'd hoped for.
So, Chip, uh Mm? my barbershop quartet is playing here next week.
- Mm-hmm? - I sent you an Evite, and, uh, you didn't get back to Me-me-me-me-me (CHUCKLES) A barbershop quartet invite? No, I-I didn't get it.
Well, I got a notification that you opened it.
Huh.
Well, now, I was hacked recently.
Russians, you think, maybe? Yeah, yeah.
Probably the Russians.
Well, now you know about it.
You gonna be there? (GROANS) I don't know, man.
You know, I I mean, I'm-a have to deal with this whole hacking situation.
And, um, oh! Plus, you know what? I have a dentist appointment at that same time.
You-you have a 9:00 p.
m.
dental appointment? Yep.
Mm-hmm.
- It's a night dentist.
- Oh.
- Really? - Yeah.
What's his name? Uh, her name? Interesting that you just assume only men could be night dentists.
(CHUCKLES) Can you believe this guy, Gil? What's the name, Chip? It's, uh, uh, you know Rebecca Cavity, DDS.
Come on, Chip.
For a guy who was just bragging about living 100% by the Bible, you forgot "thou shalt not bear false witness.
" Hmm.
Is that what "don't bear false witness" means? No lying? I did not know that.
Yeah, you did, Chip.
You know, I have to say, I've always thought of myself as a pretty honest guy, but Gene and Gil made me realize that I have just been lying all the time.
How'd they do that? Well, I lied to them, and they noticed, and then they called me a liar.
But I'm done.
No more lies of any kind for me.
Huh.
Wow.
No more lying? Well, I can't be mad at that.
I assume I will at some point, but (CHUCKLES) Aw.
Did you make me eggs? Yup.
(SIGHS) Oops.
That was a lie.
I made them for me, but here, I don't want them.
(GROANING): Ugh.
That was also a lie.
I want them very much, but only one of us is pregnant, so here, have them.
- This is gonna be hard for you.
- (SIGHS) But so much fun for me.
- Mm-hmm.
- (GIGGLES) Now I can ask you anything I've always wanted to know the truth about.
Ha-ha.
Okay.
Great.
From now on, I am an open book.
Stop staring at my eggs.
(GROANS) Okay.
When I text you a joke, and you text me back "LOL" - Mm-hmm.
- are you really laughing out loud? I smile sometimes.
Uh-huh.
Do you really not know how to do laundry, or do you just not want to do it? No, I truly have no idea how to do laundry.
Did you really shave your chest last year because it made clothes more comfortable? No.
I just wanted to see what it looked like, and I loved what it looked like.
Here's some truth for you: I did not.
(LAUGHS) See? This is liberating.
I love this.
Next question.
Do you find my sister attractive? You're going straight from manscaping to your hot sister? I didn't say "hot.
" And I think that's enough questions.
(CLEARS THROAT) I am loving this.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, look, I'm late for work.
Don't forget we got that date with Vince and his new girlfriend tonight.
That's tonight? I was supposed to have dinner with Linda from work.
Oh, yeah? Big Linda? No.
I wish.
- Weird Linda.
- Oh.
The one who sounds like a chipmunk on helium.
Why did you make dinner plans with somebody you don't like? Because she does all the scheduling at work.
And if I don't act like I like her, I'll be working every night, weekend and holiday.
I'd rather hang out with you tonight, babe.
I mean, I'll just make something up.
I see.
So, you got yourself into this because of a lie, and now you're gonna use another lie to get out of it? After that great honesty breakthrough we just had, while you were pigging out on my eggs? That's right.
I just need to think of an excuse I haven't used on her before.
Well, look, if you want to keep lying, that's your decision.
I am sticking with the truth.
Which reminds me, I have another question.
On your bachelor party trip to Thailand Okeydoke.
(WHISPERS): Hey.
Geez, Chip.
You so late, you might want to take a pregnancy test.
(LAUGHS) You and Leslie psyched about tonight? You're gonna love Emily.
She's smart, she's funny.
I'm really serious about her.
I'm cleaning my apartment twice a week.
I bought a lamp.
What? IKEA? Pier 1.
Wow.
Yeah.
Well, we can't wait to meet her, man.
And, uh, that's the truth, because as per the Bible, I am no longer lying.
- Sounds like a great idea.
- Uh-huh.
I am lying.
(LAUGHS) You just getting in, Chip? Is there a good reason why you're 40 minutes late? A good reason? - No.
- Huh? What? So then, why are you late? Well, the truth is, my sheets were super snuggly, and I didn't want to get out of bed.
I don't know what you're doing, but stop it.
Because you are throwing me off.
I don't even know why I came down here now.
I have stopped lying, Ms.
Meadows.
You see, in the Ten Commandments, they state that I command you to shut the hell up, Chip.
Folks! The staff is going through some changes.
As you know, Cheryl's cat got tail cancer.
So she's taking some time off to give it "che-meow-therapy.
" We have somebody new coming in to check out the office today.
Doug Rakhe.
Now, he is fielding quite a few offers, but I want him to be our new sports writer.
Maybe you've heard about his insanely popular sports column, "Doug's Balls"? - I love "Doug's Balls.
" - Oh, me, too.
Every guy loves "Doug's Balls.
" Women do, too, Chip.
Oh! Here he is now.
Everybody, meet Doug.
(CHUCKLES) 'Sup, y'all? MEADOWS: Welcome.
I'd just like you to get to know everybody.
And make him feel at home, folks.
Okay? When I open up our newspaper, I want to see "Doug's Balls" in my face.
Hey, we love your column.
Yeah.
You're really killing it, man.
Ah, killing it? I don't know.
You tell me.
I arrived in an UberXL.
I was a contestant on Jeopardy! once.
What is "came in second"? (CHUCKLES) Yeah, I started my own line of vodka with The Rock 's assistant.
(CHUCKLES): Ah.
The Rock's assistant.
What's his name, "The Pebble"? You know, 'cause of the We don't joke about The Rock.
Well, hey.
(CLEARS THROAT) How you doing? Chip.
Huh? You may have heard of my column.
"Living Biblically"? And this is Vince.
He's, uh, the best crime reporter in the city.
Well, that's not true.
He's the best crime reporter here.
Well, actually, Becky's pretty good.
Just say I'm the crime reporter.
Hey, Ms.
Meadows made me a pretty dope offer, so I guess things are popping off around here.
- They are, right? - (LAUGHS) Wait, does "popping off" mean good or bad? Good.
Oh, well, then, no, we're doing real bad.
I mean, we have to share our bathroom with a falafel restaurant.
The good news is the falafels are really delicious, though.
Oh, that's a lie; they taste like fried sand.
Vince, help me out here? Why don't you ask Becky, since you love her so much? Is there anything good about this place? I'm pretty great.
Well, honestly, I can be a bit much.
You know, telling the truth is a lot like skinny-dipping.
At first, it's a little uncomfortable, but then after you get used to it, it's like, "Why isn't everybody doing this?" Do you know anything about Vince's girlfriend? Mm-mm.
- I hope she's better than the last one.
- Ugh.
Well, he doesn't have the greatest track record.
I mean, remember Liana? And every time something bad happened, she'd always go, "Aw, sad panda.
" Yeah.
I was feeling real "sad panda" by the end of that night.
(LAUGHS) But I'll tell you, this does sound different.
He-he seems pretty serious.
He went out and bought a lamp.
- IKEA? - Pier 1.
Wow.
Hey, guys.
- Hey.
- Hi.
This is Emily.
This is the woman I'm dating.
Hi, Emily.
I'm Chip.
So nice to meet you.
Hi, new friend.
Are you on Instagram? Would you mind giving me a follow? Unless you already do, in which case, blessings.
She has 90,000 followers.
That means 89,999 people want to be me.
Oh, uh uh, babe, it's called a selfie, not an "us-ie.
" (CHUCKLES) You get it.
I'm gonna go see if the lighting's any better in the bathroom, boo.
So, what do you think? She's pretty great, huh? - Truthfully - I'm gonna see why those drinks are taking so long.
Wait a minute.
We didn't order drinks.
That's the problem.
What's wrong with her? Oh, she left because she thinks this is about to get super awkward.
Why would she think it's gonna get super awkward? (EXHALES) Because she knows I have to be honest with you about Emily.
And why is that a problem? She kind of sucks, Vince.
Any questions about the menu, guys? Oh, it's not really a great time.
- Is everything okay? - Not really.
My best friend just told me my girlfriend sucks.
I had to because of the Bible.
Well, this is gonna be a fun table.
Wait, I don't get it, man.
Emily is way better than my last girlfriend and you said you loved her.
Right, because that's back when I could lie.
- You didn't love Liana? - No.
- Did you love any of my girlfriends? - No.
- You don't have to think about it? - No.
Look, I-I-I'm sorry, Vince.
I'm not trying to be mean here, but the truth is I just really think you're dating this woman because of the way she makes you look and, come on, man.
I think you can do better.
Oh, my God.
My bathroom selfie was just liked by David Spade.
You see that? David Spade likes Emily.
Let's go.
Say good-bye to Chip.
- Ah - Who's Chip? And wasn't there a girl over here before? Come on.
Vince! Chip, we have a huge problem.
Yes, I know.
Vince is super pissed.
- No.
Linda is here, from work.
- Oh, Big Linda? Would I be panicked if Big Linda was here? I love Big Linda.
Weird Linda is here.
- Oh.
- And I told her I had to cancel tonight because you had food poisoning.
- I don't have food poisoning.
- I know! Let's get out of here.
Uh Leslie? Hi.
Hi, Linda.
And Chip? Don't you have food poisoning? I do not have food poisoning.
Ugh.
Sad panda.
I-I just never realized how much I needed to lie.
Now my wife's in trouble at work and my best friend hates me.
I still love you, baby.
Found my gummies.
Well, thanks, Gracie.
I-I love you, too.
Keep it in your pants, Chip.
I mean, are any of the Bible rules fun? Isn't there, like, a water park section? There's some flooding.
I mean, how do you guys tell the truth at all times? (CHUCKLES) Oh, we don't.
No.
That'd be crazy.
I mean, we try to, of course, but, you know - We-we don't want everyone to hate us.
- Yeah.
Which is what's happening to you, so you get it.
Look, there are certain must-lie situations in life, Chip.
I told my wife the truth about her haircut once, and, well, let's just say I "fell" down the stairs.
I mean, even-even priests and rabbis understand that you can't always tell the truth.
Like the time we lied when you asked if you have a feminine sneeze.
Would've hurt your feelings if we told you that you sneeze like a tiny, little girl.
Oh, okay.
What, like you guys sneeze so cool? See? It hurt your feelings.
Just like when you lied to Gil about his barbershop quartet show.
I mean, come on, nobody wants to go to that thing.
Except me.
Well, you know what, the Bible doesn't say, "Thou shalt tell the truth when it's convenient.
" Right? So, I am, I am gonna try my best to just stick with being honest at all times.
Fine.
Commendable even.
But if you don't have anything nice to say, maybe shut your mouth.
Yeah, but see, isn't that a lie of omission? Shut your mouth, Chip.
All right, well, thanks for the guidance and I will shut my mouth as soon as I open it twice more just to fix things with my wife and my best friend.
(HIGH-PITCHED SNEEZE) Bless you, ma'am.
- Can we talk? - I'm not talking to you.
Come on, man.
Are you serious? Chip, I am more serious than a comedy on Amazon.
Look, there's got to be a reason that this lying commandment exists.
And I really believe that it's because in the long run, we're just better off with the truth.
Is this gonna turn into an apology anytime soon? Yes.
I am sorry, Vince.
Okay? Look, man, I just want you to be happy and I don't think you would be with that Emily girl.
You deserve better.
I appreciate that.
And just so you know, I haven't loved all the women you've dated, either.
Like that Jenny girl.
Oh, Jenny was cool.
She got you into a pyramid scheme.
Yeah, but I made a little money.
Yeah, because I was underneath you on the pyramid.
But I was still nice enough to lie to you about her.
Well, I wish you hadn't.
Maybe if you were honest with me, I might have met Leslie sooner.
And hey, that's all I want for you, okay? I just want you to meet your Leslie.
Okay, I can't argue with that.
But you could've let me have sex with her for, I don't know, another ten years? (LAUGHS) Wait, you broke up? Yeah.
Your whole honesty thing got me being honest, and I told her that it bothered me that she posted 32 pictures last night and I wasn't in a single one of them.
(SCOFFS) Then she got honest and told me I was bad for her brand.
And then I'm pretty sure she went to David Spade's place.
Hi, Pinocchio.
Hi.
Uh, you know, that's not really an accurate nickname, Ms.
Meadows.
Pinocchio did lie.
Otherwise, his nose would've just, you know, stayed the same size.
You want to die on this hill, Chip? This is Doug's last day with us and he just told me that he got an offer from that gang of alcoholics down at the Tribune.
So just stop talking about Italian puppets and fix this.
Okay.
Yes.
I'm on it.
But just so you know, Pinocchio was a marionette.
Oh.
(CLEARS THROAT) Hey, man, can I talk to you for a second? You already are, bro.
Keep talking.
Hey.
Look, I-I know a lot of the truth I laid on you yesterday might've been a little heavy.
Humble brag, the truth wasn't the only heavy thing that laid on me last night.
(LAUGHS) Uh, oh, well, hey, good job, Doug.
(CHUCKLES) Um, but-but here's-here's the thing, this office has its problems, sure, but there are great writers here and great people, too.
I mean, in fact, I met my best friend here.
I'm your best friend already? Weird.
But I get it.
Pound it, bro.
- No, no, no, I-I didn't mean you.
- Damn it, Chip.
Pound your best friend.
You know what? I like you.
I love that you didn't feed me a line of BS like all the other papers I've visited.
I actually like that this place isn't thriving.
(LAUGHS): I'm way more important here than my last job.
You guys need me, desperately.
Oh, w So, "Doug's Balls" just landed in your hands.
Don't drop them, Pinocchio.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Well, how'd it go with Weird Linda today? Well, she scheduled me to work Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year's Eve.
And then she asked me when my birthday was and scheduled me for that.
Ugh.
Oh, honey.
I'm so sorry that my being honest caused problems for you.
It actually turned out okay once I took a page from your book - and I just was honest with her.
- Oh.
I explained that you're living by the Bible and that you had to tell the truth.
Hey, nice.
And she respected it? (LAUGHS): No.
We started making fun of you and it really brought us closer together.
She changed the schedule back.
- Oh! - Yeah.
(SIGHS) Also, you're now known as Weird Chip.
(LAUGHS) So, um, now that you're on this total honesty thing, I've got a few questions for you.
Oh, boy.
Do you really think I'm a good dancer? (SIGHS) The worst.
You ruin weddings.
(SCOFFS) Do you really think that my feet are cute? Yes, if you were a hobbit.
Hey.
Okay, last question.
Have you ever wanted to be with anyone else but me? Not even for a second.
(CHUCKLES) And if it makes you feel any better, your hot sister has ugly feet, too.
Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention, please? Put your hands together for the "Gil-ty Pleasures.
" Seriously? All right, now, I can't lie, so you're gonna have to tell Gil - that we liked this once it's over.
- Mm-hmm.
(BLOWS PITCH PIPE) Meet me up here.
- Mm.
- Oh, yeah.
I'm gonna have to lie hard on this one.
Buffalo gals, can't you come out tonight? Come out tonight, come out tonight Buffalo gals, can't you come out tonight And dance By the light of the moon By the light of the moon.
- (WHOOPS) - Hey.
Hey, that was awesome, man.
Truly.
I'm glad you liked it because there are three more hours of pure barbershop heat still to come! (LAUGHS) Just smash this over my head, please.