Loaded (2017) s01e06 Episode Script
The Red List
1 So - What do you think? - Yeah, it's good.
What, that's it? What do you want, Leon? An ovation? 'Oh, yeah, let's all just stand up and clap everybody all the time(!) 'Hey, Meryl, what a powerful performance.
'Congratulations on your Nobel prize, mu-la-la.
' Katie, we broke ourselves getting that ready.
A race game based around the streams of pressure washers - is totally original.
- Sure it is.
And you've got five days to get it ready for the Games Expo.
Are you vaping in a sauna? All right, Leon, you're playing golf with me at 2:15, you and I need to have a little talk.
- Oh oh, yeah? - Now, back to your spinning wheels, my clever little Rumpelstiltskin fucks.
- Nothing's ever enough for her.
- Who cares if Katie doesn't like it? I like it.
She's probably just bitter because we're not going to pump out a lazy sequel.
No, it was just faulty wiring in one of her pleasure receptacles.
Yeah, you're right.
Who cares what she thinks? What do you reckon she wants to talk to about? Sounds shadowy.
She's probably ready to shed her human skin - and reveal her lizard form.
- We just need to make sure we get a build of the game ready for the Expo.
Mate, getting a fully working beta by then is going to place incredible strain on the coding team.
Also, I had arranged to see Cameron this afternoon.
Cool.
So it's official, then? He's your boyfriend? Yep.
That's what I'm calling him, anyway.
In my head, he's my boyfriend.
Ewan, mate, this matters.
We need a demo of the game that works so when I'm up on that stage, it doesn't glitch, and it doesn't go wrong.
Everything rests on this.
That's why I you and only you, the Moby of coding.
I suppose I am the movie of coding.
Hey! Thanks, mate.
Right.
The rest of us might as well take the afternoon off.
No point in sitting around, watching the back of Ewan's head.
I could always shave my hair off - and draw my face on the back of it.
- [MOBILE RINGS.]
Yep? You are shitting me.
Boys! I've just had a call from the Red List.
They're putting me on it.
Top 100 most influential people in media.
- [HE LAUGHS.]
- No way.
You? Yeah.
Number 71.
Two places higher than Arran Yentob, whoever the fuck that is.
Alan.
Alan Yentob.
You're joining the media elite and you don't even know who Alan Yentob is? - That's unbelievable.
- This is great! God, I feel so validated.
I'm sorry, but does this strike anyone else as total bullshit? OK, I should probably qualify that.
I'm quite tired and my blood sugar levels are dangerously low.
- Have a Jaffa, mate.
- Thank you, Watto.
But all the work is done, an 80-hour week getting the game ready, and you're just standing over us like "Oh, type faster.
" Not, "I'm sorry, Leon, but it's a little wrong, that's all.
" A little wrong, and a little unfair.
And now the sugar is starting to hit and I'm feeling like maybe it's just fine.
Come on, Josh, you've got to admit.
You said it yourself, - the game's great.
- Yeah, and what part of that was you? Uh, the idea.
- Watto came up with the idea.
- Yeah, on my boat.
- On my acid.
- I haven't forgiven you for that.
You know, cos it was amazing, and I loved it, every minute, - you're a bastard.
- It was an accident.
- A happy accident.
- Right, - I'm going to go and see Abi.
- Cool.
How about the cinema? - Yeah, maybe.
- Good, I'll get the tickets.
We can get the big seats, and I'll bring a blanket.
Well, no, it would just be me and Abi.
That's OK.
I just don't really like unscheduled days off.
I have to keep busy.
Otherwise, I get in my own head, and it is a vast Turbine Hall, filled with weird art and bad intentions.
Sorry, mate, but we're meeting for lunch.
So, bye.
Can't wait to see what Casey says about this.
I'm on the list! [HE GRUNTS.]
Leon? Can I play golf with you? I love golf.
Watto, you know it's not the one with the windmills, don't you? No, no, no, no.
This is executive-level shit.
Oh.
Fine.
I'll find something else to do.
[HE SNIFFS.]
Don't even worry about me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't stop typing.
We're going to conquer the world, mate.
Me and you - Genghis Khan and his trusty horse.
Yeah, ride it! Woo! I'm on the list - I'm on the list - Stupid man.
Shake it till you make it I made it! [HE CACKLES.]
Those lists are bollocks anyway.
They're arbitrary.
It's like, 'Which is better - potato salad, 'Edward Snowden, or the javelin?' You're right.
You're right.
It's the javelin, though, on balance.
Because Snowden is a moment in time, and potato salad can just do one.
- Ah! - I've always wanted to try these.
The trick is with oysters, just a dab of Tabasco, and no chewing.
Mm.
Oh, yeah, they're really, briny.
[HE GROANS.]
Here goes.
Oh, my God! - Yeah.
- That's amazing.
Yeah, they're special.
They're unusual.
Yeah, that That's vinaigrette.
Try that way.
- It is fucking brilliant.
- Yeah.
[SHE SLURPS NOISILY.]
You might want to slow down on - the old oyster slammers there.
- It's fine, I'm not eating later.
Right.
I was thinking maybe we could go to the cinema, then, - because I've got the afternoon off.
- Um, I got to go to this speed funding thing.
It's speed dating, but for investors.
Pitch them the idea, try to - raise the money.
- Abi, I know speed funding, OK? And it's dehumanizing and tawdry.
It's essentially the start-up version of a human trafficking ring, OK? So let me spare you the indignity, and just take my money.
Josh, how many times? I don't want your money.
It wouldn't be a pity investment, all right? I believe in Squat Bot.
Mm-hm.
Which part of it do you believe in? - The idea bit.
- You know? Rightmove for squatters.
Squatters need apps, too.
- They're not monsters.
- Josh, I'm not taking your money.
Do I look all right, though? I need to look good if I'm going to attract the right kind of investors.
You look bloody great.
I do look pretty good.
[HER STOMACH WHINES.]
[SHE GROANS.]
OK, I think I just OD'd on oysters.
[SHE GAGS.]
I feel like I just drank a gallon of whale jizz.
[SHE GAGS.]
Callum, you found it OK? It was fine.
The guy brought me straight here.
- Great, well, welcome to the office.
- Ewan, next time he's in a motorcycle courier to pick me up, could you - at least tell me about first? - Oh, did I not? I felt like I was being abducted by a Romanian street gang.
I just really wanted to see you, and I had to keep working on the game, so Now, if you wouldn't mind hanging around for, like, two or three - hours max, and I'll be right with you.
- Are you being serious? Well, if I don't talk, might be able to get it done quicker, so You abducted me and brought me halfway across London so I could watch you - Do that? - Or I mean, maybe I could print - you out a word search.
- [HE SCOFFS.]
Where are the other three, then? The wanker, the whiny guy and the hobo? Oh, I know this.
Um Leon, Josh, Watto.
- They've got the afternoon off.
- You're the only one working? Heavy is the head that wears the crown.
OK, so You're the king? I'm a co-king.
There are four kings.
I'm basically fourth-in-line for the throne.
I'm Prince Andrew.
Why aren't you in that picture? Oh, I got shingles from a bath towel the day before the photo shoot.
I tell you what else is heavy, Ewan.
Heavy is the shoe that wipes on the doormat.
- Yeah, yeah, sorry.
No, I am listening.
- [CALLUM LAUGHS.]
You don't see it? - They're taking advantage of you.
- Give me two hours, - and you can take advantage of me.
- Ewan You're being exploited.
I'm not being exploited.
I'm actually very important around here.
- What's in here? - Ah, OK, no, don't go in there.
That's Leon's office.
- Where's yours? - Yeah, I don't have one.
You don't have an office? Then, let's get you one.
OK, um, yeah.
Oh, God.
Soz, but, no.
Hello, mate.
Um, would you like to come fishing with me? Sorry.
Adam Watson.
Would you like to come fishing with me? I don't really know how you do it, but I bought a book on it, - and it's got some instructions.
- Sorry, can you leave me alone? I surely can.
Enjoy looking in that window.
[DOG BARKS.]
Massive, massive dog.
- Where's your owner, big guy? - [DOG WHINES.]
Not a big talker, eh? That's OK.
Me neither, really.
[DOG WHINES.]
OK, I got you.
OK, Leon you better find a lawyer who specialises in spousal abuse.
Because you're about to get beaten by a woman.
Oh.
That could be better.
- Listen, I got a call this morning.
- It's your shot, Leon.
Whoa, whoa.
Hang on, hang on.
I thought you said you played? Yeah.
I'm a street golf kind of guy.
You know, freestyle.
OK, hang on.
Just a minute.
Put your feet together.
All right.
Shoulder-width apart.
Put you're back at a 45-degree angle.
Bend your knees a little, OK? Loosen the hips.
Submit to, mommy.
Come on, huh? Relax.
The Red List called.
I'm on it.
- Number 71, I'm on the list.
- Well, well! Huh? That is great.
Yeah, just come see me when you break the top 30, cos that's where I've been for the last eight years straight.
I have to get in touch with Naomi.
I have a feeling this is the year where I crack the top five.
God, 71, that's funny.
I didn't even realise the list went that low.
Be sure to say hi to Richard Bacon for me.
No, no, your feet are wrong again.
Ow! [SHE MOANS.]
You idiot! Babe, you can barely tell, to be honest with you.
Show me.
Pass me a syringe, please.
What for? Because I'm going to go out into the countryside, go into a field and find a cow with mad cow disease.
And I'm going to plunge it right into her crazy cow ass, and I'm going to come here and inject it into your fucking eye, Leon.
Mad cow, right in the eye.
Do not make the oops face, motherfucker! We'll give you a prescription for some painkillers.
You see, this is why you're only number 71, Leon.
A golf club.
It's like a fucking cartoon.
Ow, ow, ow! Oh! What about the party tonight? - What party? - The Red List, Leon.
They throw a party tonight to announce the top 100, and I can't show up looking like someone dropped steak tartare on my face.
Just tell Naomi to stop by later with my laptop.
I'll be working at home until such time as I no longer have tampons in my nose.
I'll just wait in the lobby, shall I? Maybe we can catch a late showing, or something.
Look at this.
So this is speed-funding, is it? It's basically corporate and non-sexy lap dancing.
Let's just go.
Wait, this could be good for you.
You know? We all have to whore ourselves a little bit.
Heaven knows, I had to flash Casey a bit of nipple during the whole courting process.
I might stick around.
Maybe I can do a bit of investing myself.
Thanks, Josh.
- Abi from Squat Bot.
- Graham Bailey from Trial Equity.
- Duncan.
- Josh.
- Pitch me.
- OK, well, it's basically Right Move, but for squatters.
I've got an idea for an app where you sell your leftover dinners.
It's called Left Ovr.
Like "leftover", but without the E, cos someone already had the E.
Please, I've got to get back to my terminal.
Just, please.
I'm not going anywhere, Ewan.
This is Occupy.
Sexy Occupy.
Let's have a fuck-in.
A fuck-in? We fuck in Leon's office until such time as he gives you an - office of your own.
- Calum, there are only two offices! - Fine, then he gives you the other one! - No, because that's Casey's, and if I'm Prince Andrew, then she's the vengeful spirit of Henry VIII.
Wow.
All right.
I will OK.
When Leon gets back, I will confront him about the office, all right? Pull up your drawers.
There's my Ewan.
OK.
Crack on with the code.
Ooh, quick cube sweep.
Like, obviously, gravy presents some challenges, in terms of keeping it warm and not getting the skin on top.
- Mmm.
-[GONG SOUNDS.]
OK, Duncan, thanks very much.
Off you go.
Aren't you meant to go? Yes.
Yes, I am.
Excuse me.
Why haven't they stop talking? They're supposed to have stopped talking by now.
It's really good to meet you.
Josh, what are you doing? - I told you, I don't want your money.
- He groped you.
- What, Graham? - Graham.
Graham groped your boob.
- No, he didn't.
- I saw it, Abi, all right? He went like this And then he went like this.
Well, now you've just groped my boob.
I saw it.
I saw your boob jiggle.
All right, he grazed it.
He grazed my right tit with the tip of his fingers.
- Thank you! Where is he? - Don't you dare.
- I'll have him.
- What? You gonna fight him? No.
I'm going to do what a real man does.
I'm going to take his photo, - and I'm going to shame him on Twitter.
- Well, I don't want you to.
It's not up to you, though, is it? Oh.
Oh, I see.
So it's your choice, is it, how outraged I'm allowed to be? - Bit patriarchal.
- Hang on.
Graham honked your boob, and I'm the sexist one? No-one honked my boob, Josh.
This isn't Benny Hill.
Look, all I'm saying is sometimes this is what happens to women in business.
- No, it's not.
- Well, now who's in denial? Ah, let's just go! Stop it! I'm not doing anything.
- What's wrong with you? - All right! Need to get my Cloakroom.
What are you doing back? I thought I gave you the afternoon off.
I need to see Casey.
I need some advice from a woman in business.
Some investor guy - honked Abi's boob.
- He honked it? - Yeah.
Like that.
- I think you want to do something - about that, mate.
That is wrong.
- She doesn't want me to.
Sometimes it doesn't matter what a woman wants.
Great.
Thank you for the lesson in gender politics, Professor Robin Thicke.
Leon, can I talk to you about something, please? Ewan, how's the game? Cos clocks are ticking.
Come on, Digby, over here! Boys, this is Digby.
Uh, I don't really like dogs, Watto.
He doesn't have an owner, so he belongs to me now.
- You have a dog? - Actually, no, it's not a possession.
He's a person.
[DOG WHIMPERS.]
He's just done a huge shit on the floor.
Has he, though, or is he just cutting through the artifice of this whole thing? No, he has.
He's done a massive shit on the floor.
He doesn't care who we are or what we're worth, he just barrels in and takes a plop right there on the carpet.
That's not a turd.
- That's a call to arms.
- Definitely is a turd.
Well, clean it then.
It's humbling.
It's like the Roman emperor who used to pay the slave to whisper in his ear, "Remember, - "we're only human".
- Oh, come on, Watto, hey? Kitchen roll, don't sock it.
This, yeah? Authenticity, which is more than I can say for some of you lot.
Has anyone heard from Casey? She's not picking up.
She's at home.
I smashed her in the face with a golf club.
- Holy shit, Leon.
- Yeah, I know.
Oh, she wants you to drop around with her laptop.
I've got some news for her, bad news.
I thought it was weird that I hadn't heard from the Red List, so I rang them, and What, she's not on it? Not at all? Oh, my God! This is awesome! - I'm on the list and Casey isn't.
- I think, maybe, they only wanted one representative from the company, so they chose you.
Oh, God, I feel like that guy when he became Pope.
- You mean, the Pope? - Yes, that guy.
She won't be happy.
Last year she slipped three places, and she had to go off on holiday for a week, and not just a normal holiday.
Giraffe safari.
Casey shot a giraffe? - Holy shit! - She's a total enigma.
There was one rumour going around that she was in a long-distance relationship with Lance Armstrong.
That one I can see.
And now she's going to kill me like she killed that poor animal.
Naomi, please.
I would love to break the good news to her.
I'll take her laptop round as well.
Oh, I see.
So, you assaulted her and now you want to gloat? Yeah! Woohoo! Leon, can I use your office while you're out? - What for? - Well, just giving them the big - heave-ho on the code, and everything.
- Ewan, mate.
You don't get your own office just because you work hard.
Why do you get your own office? Kind of genetic, you're either born with it or you're not.
It's like double joints.
What's all this about, mate? Oh, I get it, this is coming from Yoko.
No, no, no, no.
He's not Yoko, he's Linda, and I'm probably Frog Song era Paul McCartney, and I think he's losing respect for me, and I really want to get laid! Are you totally sure about this guy? I think he hates us all.
No, he's lovely.
And I think he's onto something, actually, in terms of my status around this place.
Listen, I'm expecting a delivery, the Red List are biking over my award.
Sign for it, yeah? And, uh, happy coding.
Plenty of Vitamin C, and don't get scurvy! [HE WHOOPS.]
You know what, Diggers? We can go chasing sticks.
I can take you for walks.
I'll have to buy you a lead for when we're near the road, but other than that, I'll let you off, and we can go anywhere.
Anywhere! You'd like that, wouldn't you? Here he is! Who's this big, lovely boy? - What's your name? - Digby.
He's lovely.
What sort is he? Don't know.
He's, sort of, like, a Dutch mountain dog or something.
Have you noticed how his breathing sounds? Yeah, he's a bit breathy, but that's all part of his rugged wild man mystique.
He's basically Leonard Cohen.
Aren't you, Dig, aren't you Leonard Cohen? Yes, you are Leonard Cohen.
You should probably get him checked out though, yeah? - Just to be on the safe side.
- Yeah, sure.
What's the harm? Up you come, Digby! I love you! What, you here to hit me with a cricket bat? Smash me in my vagina with a croquet mallet? I brought your laptop.
Also, I felt bad about the face - thing, so I got you some soup.
- I hate soup.
It's the opiate of the elderly, the homeless and mentally infirm.
Soup is bullshit.
Strong feelings on soup! You've moved, you're not - in the suite any more.
- Oh, that's very observant.
Why don't you come in? I'll give you the tour.
We can do a cats cradle, - watch Golden Girls.
- Casey! - There's something I need to tell you.
- What? Um, I'm sorry.
You didn't make it onto the Red List this year.
- Bullshit! - I know, it's crazy.
Naomi told me.
I mean, how could I be on it, at number 71? You're not even on it at all.
I mean, I'm a passing phase.
You're timeless.
You're A prawn cocktail.
An absolute design classic.
I'm a cronut.
You remember the cronut? Who even cares about the cronut? Well, a lot of people, actually, they they loved - the cronut.
- Well, I don't care about those piece-of-shit lists any Whoa! Hey, - are you OK? - Fine.
- Come on.
- I said I'm fine.
The point is, I asked him, and I made my position very clear.
OK, McFly, well when you finish coding the game, maybe you - can go and wax Biff's car.
- A package for Leon Harper? Oh, yeah, I'll take it.
Cheers.
Hey, no, no, no! Be careful.
He's expecting an award.
The Red List, number 71, Leon Harper.
- Where's yours? - Oh, I didn't get one.
- People like me don't get awards.
- Ewan, he's out there dicking about, and you, the working man, chained to his terminal, still typing away after everyone's left.
You get nothing.
Can you stop looking at that for one second? I'm a communist, Ewan.
And I have never been more communist than I am right now.
Gosh, never slept with a communist before.
A couple Lib Dems.
Smash it.
- No, I really can't.
- Liberate yourself from - your oppressor, Ewan.
- He's not an oppressor, he's Leon.
It's probably acrylic, anyway.
No! It is It's glass.
I didn't think you'd actually smash it.
I know! God, am I a communist now? Mmm.
Where? I want you to take me on Leon's desk.
Oh, my, hot, horny Christ! Dyspnoea.
That's why his breathing's all like that.
He's got about six months.
Right.
And in terms of the condition manifesting itself? Oh, he'll deteriorate pretty badly.
My auntie's dog had it.
He'll be very phlegmy, a lot of coughing.
Kind of, like [SHE WHEEZES.]
And he'll be doing that here, will he, deteriorating? He'll be deteriorating in the house? Very much so.
He'll be moving in with us until the endgame.
That's comforting, isn't it? Look at him.
All the wisdom in the world, and he hasn't got a clue.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I just got a call from Side Boob Graham.
He's giving me the money! Ha! Ah! Obviously, he can run it through on deductibles.
Receipt from Stringfellows, lunch at Hooters, investment in Squat Bot.
- Ugh, Josh! - I'm sorry, I'm just - horrified that this still happens.
- Well, I said yeah, I'm taking the money.
Sorry, what? You said yes to investment from a man that we are now quite openly referring to as 'Side Boob Graham'? Yes! That's your investor, he's on your board now, Side Boob Graham.
All of your corporate literature.
Advisory Board - Peter Humphreys, Glen Davis, Side Boob Graham.
- Who's Glen Davis? - I don't know, I just made up a name.
Why can't it be that he just likes my idea? - Of course he doesn't.
- Why, cos you think it's shit? I didn't say that.
Just face it, Josh.
He believes in me, and you don't, which is why I'm taking his money.
Honk, honk.
So, these lists, they don't really mean anything? I told you, I don't care.
Is that right? Do not look in that cabinet! I don't want you going off at the deep end, and booking some holiday to Africa.
OK, you've been hearing the rumours.
Let me guess, I ploughed a Jeep into a herd of antelope? - Shot a giraffe.
- Sure, that one too.
Leon, you want to go and spy in the curtain, I'll give you one.
- We're going out.
- Where? The Red List.
They're having a party, remember? - Is that a good idea? - I'm going to find out why I'm not on that list, or die trying.
You're driving.
[BANG.]
I've been thinking about it.
We can do him a bucket list, give him the best six months of his life.
Yeah.
That's a really nice idea.
Cos they like tennis balls, don't they? What if we got Roger Federer to do some serves and he caught them? Or hire a postman and fill his pockets with offal.
He likes Thai food.
We could get Ken Hom in to do him a Pad Thai.
Or catch a pigeon and just let him do whatever he wants with it.
Visit the Elgin Marbles, just cos it's a nice day out.
Yeah, that'd be lovely.
I should write some of these down.
Hey, Naomi, can have a word, please? I need a favour.
I need you to set me up a shell company, and then use that shell company to acquire another company.
But keep my name away from it, like, well away from it, and? Sure.
Really? We have a shady lawyer that we sometimes use.
Shady David.
- He's shady.
- It's not shady.
It's essentially an act of chivalry.
I'm saving Abi from a serial groper.
Hey, I'm Casey's assistant.
I can't afford to have a moral compass.
- [PHONE BEEPS.]
- There you go.
Call Shady David.
Cheers.
Thank you.
What's up, everybody? Casey's here! Hey, don't go anywhere.
Come here.
- Thank you.
- OK, Casey, let's not cause a Scene.
- I'm not causing a scene.
- Um, Leon Harper? Rachel.
I compiled the list.
Ah! Hey, great to meet you.
- Likewise.
- Hey, Rachel.
How's that early-onset Alzheimer's? Well, you clearly forgot something Moi! I'm sorry, you are? Oh, I see, we're gonna play that game.
Casey.
Casey Renard.
- Oh.
- 'Oh!' - Wow.
- I know.
- I wasn't expecting to see you.
- How come I'm not on the list, - Rachel? - Um - Well, it's a very competitive field.
- How come I'm - not on the list, Rachel? - This year, more than ever, - in terms of potential candidates - How come I am not - on the list, Rachel? - It's incredibly tough to - narrow it down.
We can't - How come I am not on the list, Rachel? - accommodate everyone.
- How come I am not on the list, Rachel? - There's always next year.
- How come I'm not on the list, Rachel?! Because you're past it! Your peak, probably, in my opinion.
But that's just, that's just one opinion.
Thank you, Rachel.
I appreciate your candour.
Right, I should, um, probably go and Mingle with my contemporaries.
I'll see you in a bit.
Hey.
So what do you do, then? Uh I make shorts.
Oh, really? What sort? Like cargo, or? - Films.
I make short films.
- Oh! Right.
Oh, you thought I made actual shorts? That's hilarious.
Nah, nah.
I was joking.
Oh, God.
Who ordered the fax machine? Who? Casey Rennard.
We call her 'the fax machine' because she hasn't done anything useful since, like, 1998.
What about you, then? What have you done? Made a short film? That's not a job, is it? That's like saying, 'I make short curtains.
' 'I make windows that don't close.
' Right.
Cos computer games are, like, so great.
- Yeah, everyone loves video games.
- Video games - are for little boys.
- [HE LAUGHS.]
OK.
Don't presume to step to me with the demographics of mobile gamers.
70% of players are women.
The average gaming session for women lasts 25% longer than men.
61% of mobile gamers are parents, bosh.
And you know what? Casey gets it.
She does.
She's smarter than everyone in this room.
And I'm not surprised you're so keen on demographics.
What does that mean? Nothing.
Sorry.
I get it.
You're trying to say I'm - the diversity pick.
- No, no, no, no.
I'm definitely not saying that.
Can I ask you a question? - Am I only here cos I'm black? - What? No, God! Absolutely not.
[HE CLEARS THROAT.]
Right.
No, no, no.
I get it.
Thank you.
The richest 1% has as much as the rest of the world combined.
Absolutely sickening.
And I say that as, like, 1% of the 1%.
I'll make an activist of you yet.
- What's that? - No, nothing.
It's not anything.
I felt bad.
It's an award, and I know it means a lot to him.
He's not taking advantage of you, is he? You enjoy it.
OK, it's silly.
Look, I've stopped.
- The guy's a total arsehole.
- Whoa, OK, hang on.
He's a mate.
And he values me, actually.
I'm the Moby of Kodi.
Yeah, exactly.
Where the fuck is Moby, Ewan? That's not a compliment.
You need to stand up for yourself.
Yeah.
Maybe you're right.
I think you should leave.
Yeah.
I do, actually.
Now, would you like me to call you a courier? I'll walk.
See you around, Ewan.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Sex? One final shag for Digby? We could hire, like, the hottest female dog from Crufts.
Where's he gone? Digby? Digby, mate? [DISTANT.]
: - Digby? - Digby! Not taking Graham's money.
[HE GASPS.]
No way! What happened? Got a better offer.
Just came in.
Just got a call from his lawyer.
Must have been someone at that speed funding thing.
I need to look into it properly, but it's generous.
Really generous.
- A lot of money.
- Ah, it's, uh It's amazing.
I need you to understand, Josh.
It's really important I do this on my own.
Otherwise, people will always say you just gave me the money cos I'm your girlfriend.
I need to know that I'm still a thing.
I want respect.
Thank you, though, for being so understanding.
And the best part is, I get to develop the next stage of Squat Bot without having to have sex with some gross, rich creep.
No, that really is good news.
So, let's have sex to celebrate.
You gross, rich creep.
Digby! There's some more green chicken curry if you want it.
Digby! What are you doing down here, buddy? Digby! Oh, no! Oh, God, no! Digby! - I'm gonna go.
- No? You don't want to stay and bask in your glory? No, I didn't want to come anyway.
I knew it was just a box-ticking thing.
- What? The black thing? - I don't know, it's like it's ten times as hard for me to get a seat at the table.
And when I finally do, smug little empty haircuts tell me I'm only here because of tokenism.
You are.
We all are, Leon.
15 years ago, the first time I was on the list, it was because I was and am a hot piece of ass.
Seriously, do you think any of these people are here on merit? OK, you know what A-hem! Can I have your attention, please? So, just to say, these awards - are bullshit.
- Oh, sour grapes? It's not about grapes.
Because why are we all here? Really? Hm? I mean, you loss-making company supported by Daddy's money.
You.
Cousin on the editorial board.
Daddy gave you the job.
Fucked Tom Potter.
Fucked Tom Potter.
Daddy gave you the job.
Daddy gave you the job.
Daddy gave you the job Minor royal.
The point is, enjoy tonight, because guess what? The women and the blacks and the minorities and the trans people are coming to eat your privilege and we are hungry as hell, because we haven't had a meal in centuries.
Leon, let's bounce.
Actually, Casey, - I want to say something - Bu, bu, bu It's not your place.
Let's go.
More fool you for letting a wolf in the door.
Ha-ha! See you next year.
And I eat which part of the kebab? Both.
Both elements? Even though one of them kinda looks like - a peeled animal skin? - Try it.
Oh, my god, this is so gross.
Mmm.
Just so we're clear, I don't really care about issues of social inequality.
I was merely using that as a pretext to devalue the award systems out of pure spite.
Yeah, I got that.
But thanks anyway.
You are something, Leon.
I mean, the list is horse shit.
But They got it right about you.
Game recognises game.
Oh, it's Ewan.
He's finished the game, we're ready for the expo.
Hmm.
You know what you need when you're at the top of the tree, Leon? A steady branch.
Loyalty.
Take me by the office.
There is something I've been meaning to show you.
- It's all my fault.
- You can't blame yourself, mate.
It could've happened to anyone.
Anyone with a really deep pool.
I was meant to give him the happiest six months of his life.
I drowned him on day one.
No, they say it's one of the most painless ways to go.
No, they don't, do they? Yeah, they do.
I'm sure he wasn't scared.
Maybe I could pay to have him cryogenically frozen.
But then what, mate? You get him reanimated one day and then he's just got six months of being ill and then he dies Again.
I'm gonna go to my room.
I just want to be on my own.
You all right? What are we going to do with it? - Have you got like a chest freezer? - We do, but he's not going in it.
I've got ham hocks in that thing.
This is Goodfellas, isn't it? I'm about to be shot in the back of the head.
- Holy shit.
- Meet Cat Factory 2.
Fucking hell, you've been working on the sequel the whole time? Welcome to the other side of the curtain, Leon.
Oh, look, it's Leon.
Finally home after a hard day's work.
What happened to you? You've been ages.
Oh, you know.
Nothing much.
It's all good.
What, that's it? What do you want, Leon? An ovation? 'Oh, yeah, let's all just stand up and clap everybody all the time(!) 'Hey, Meryl, what a powerful performance.
'Congratulations on your Nobel prize, mu-la-la.
' Katie, we broke ourselves getting that ready.
A race game based around the streams of pressure washers - is totally original.
- Sure it is.
And you've got five days to get it ready for the Games Expo.
Are you vaping in a sauna? All right, Leon, you're playing golf with me at 2:15, you and I need to have a little talk.
- Oh oh, yeah? - Now, back to your spinning wheels, my clever little Rumpelstiltskin fucks.
- Nothing's ever enough for her.
- Who cares if Katie doesn't like it? I like it.
She's probably just bitter because we're not going to pump out a lazy sequel.
No, it was just faulty wiring in one of her pleasure receptacles.
Yeah, you're right.
Who cares what she thinks? What do you reckon she wants to talk to about? Sounds shadowy.
She's probably ready to shed her human skin - and reveal her lizard form.
- We just need to make sure we get a build of the game ready for the Expo.
Mate, getting a fully working beta by then is going to place incredible strain on the coding team.
Also, I had arranged to see Cameron this afternoon.
Cool.
So it's official, then? He's your boyfriend? Yep.
That's what I'm calling him, anyway.
In my head, he's my boyfriend.
Ewan, mate, this matters.
We need a demo of the game that works so when I'm up on that stage, it doesn't glitch, and it doesn't go wrong.
Everything rests on this.
That's why I you and only you, the Moby of coding.
I suppose I am the movie of coding.
Hey! Thanks, mate.
Right.
The rest of us might as well take the afternoon off.
No point in sitting around, watching the back of Ewan's head.
I could always shave my hair off - and draw my face on the back of it.
- [MOBILE RINGS.]
Yep? You are shitting me.
Boys! I've just had a call from the Red List.
They're putting me on it.
Top 100 most influential people in media.
- [HE LAUGHS.]
- No way.
You? Yeah.
Number 71.
Two places higher than Arran Yentob, whoever the fuck that is.
Alan.
Alan Yentob.
You're joining the media elite and you don't even know who Alan Yentob is? - That's unbelievable.
- This is great! God, I feel so validated.
I'm sorry, but does this strike anyone else as total bullshit? OK, I should probably qualify that.
I'm quite tired and my blood sugar levels are dangerously low.
- Have a Jaffa, mate.
- Thank you, Watto.
But all the work is done, an 80-hour week getting the game ready, and you're just standing over us like "Oh, type faster.
" Not, "I'm sorry, Leon, but it's a little wrong, that's all.
" A little wrong, and a little unfair.
And now the sugar is starting to hit and I'm feeling like maybe it's just fine.
Come on, Josh, you've got to admit.
You said it yourself, - the game's great.
- Yeah, and what part of that was you? Uh, the idea.
- Watto came up with the idea.
- Yeah, on my boat.
- On my acid.
- I haven't forgiven you for that.
You know, cos it was amazing, and I loved it, every minute, - you're a bastard.
- It was an accident.
- A happy accident.
- Right, - I'm going to go and see Abi.
- Cool.
How about the cinema? - Yeah, maybe.
- Good, I'll get the tickets.
We can get the big seats, and I'll bring a blanket.
Well, no, it would just be me and Abi.
That's OK.
I just don't really like unscheduled days off.
I have to keep busy.
Otherwise, I get in my own head, and it is a vast Turbine Hall, filled with weird art and bad intentions.
Sorry, mate, but we're meeting for lunch.
So, bye.
Can't wait to see what Casey says about this.
I'm on the list! [HE GRUNTS.]
Leon? Can I play golf with you? I love golf.
Watto, you know it's not the one with the windmills, don't you? No, no, no, no.
This is executive-level shit.
Oh.
Fine.
I'll find something else to do.
[HE SNIFFS.]
Don't even worry about me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't stop typing.
We're going to conquer the world, mate.
Me and you - Genghis Khan and his trusty horse.
Yeah, ride it! Woo! I'm on the list - I'm on the list - Stupid man.
Shake it till you make it I made it! [HE CACKLES.]
Those lists are bollocks anyway.
They're arbitrary.
It's like, 'Which is better - potato salad, 'Edward Snowden, or the javelin?' You're right.
You're right.
It's the javelin, though, on balance.
Because Snowden is a moment in time, and potato salad can just do one.
- Ah! - I've always wanted to try these.
The trick is with oysters, just a dab of Tabasco, and no chewing.
Mm.
Oh, yeah, they're really, briny.
[HE GROANS.]
Here goes.
Oh, my God! - Yeah.
- That's amazing.
Yeah, they're special.
They're unusual.
Yeah, that That's vinaigrette.
Try that way.
- It is fucking brilliant.
- Yeah.
[SHE SLURPS NOISILY.]
You might want to slow down on - the old oyster slammers there.
- It's fine, I'm not eating later.
Right.
I was thinking maybe we could go to the cinema, then, - because I've got the afternoon off.
- Um, I got to go to this speed funding thing.
It's speed dating, but for investors.
Pitch them the idea, try to - raise the money.
- Abi, I know speed funding, OK? And it's dehumanizing and tawdry.
It's essentially the start-up version of a human trafficking ring, OK? So let me spare you the indignity, and just take my money.
Josh, how many times? I don't want your money.
It wouldn't be a pity investment, all right? I believe in Squat Bot.
Mm-hm.
Which part of it do you believe in? - The idea bit.
- You know? Rightmove for squatters.
Squatters need apps, too.
- They're not monsters.
- Josh, I'm not taking your money.
Do I look all right, though? I need to look good if I'm going to attract the right kind of investors.
You look bloody great.
I do look pretty good.
[HER STOMACH WHINES.]
[SHE GROANS.]
OK, I think I just OD'd on oysters.
[SHE GAGS.]
I feel like I just drank a gallon of whale jizz.
[SHE GAGS.]
Callum, you found it OK? It was fine.
The guy brought me straight here.
- Great, well, welcome to the office.
- Ewan, next time he's in a motorcycle courier to pick me up, could you - at least tell me about first? - Oh, did I not? I felt like I was being abducted by a Romanian street gang.
I just really wanted to see you, and I had to keep working on the game, so Now, if you wouldn't mind hanging around for, like, two or three - hours max, and I'll be right with you.
- Are you being serious? Well, if I don't talk, might be able to get it done quicker, so You abducted me and brought me halfway across London so I could watch you - Do that? - Or I mean, maybe I could print - you out a word search.
- [HE SCOFFS.]
Where are the other three, then? The wanker, the whiny guy and the hobo? Oh, I know this.
Um Leon, Josh, Watto.
- They've got the afternoon off.
- You're the only one working? Heavy is the head that wears the crown.
OK, so You're the king? I'm a co-king.
There are four kings.
I'm basically fourth-in-line for the throne.
I'm Prince Andrew.
Why aren't you in that picture? Oh, I got shingles from a bath towel the day before the photo shoot.
I tell you what else is heavy, Ewan.
Heavy is the shoe that wipes on the doormat.
- Yeah, yeah, sorry.
No, I am listening.
- [CALLUM LAUGHS.]
You don't see it? - They're taking advantage of you.
- Give me two hours, - and you can take advantage of me.
- Ewan You're being exploited.
I'm not being exploited.
I'm actually very important around here.
- What's in here? - Ah, OK, no, don't go in there.
That's Leon's office.
- Where's yours? - Yeah, I don't have one.
You don't have an office? Then, let's get you one.
OK, um, yeah.
Oh, God.
Soz, but, no.
Hello, mate.
Um, would you like to come fishing with me? Sorry.
Adam Watson.
Would you like to come fishing with me? I don't really know how you do it, but I bought a book on it, - and it's got some instructions.
- Sorry, can you leave me alone? I surely can.
Enjoy looking in that window.
[DOG BARKS.]
Massive, massive dog.
- Where's your owner, big guy? - [DOG WHINES.]
Not a big talker, eh? That's OK.
Me neither, really.
[DOG WHINES.]
OK, I got you.
OK, Leon you better find a lawyer who specialises in spousal abuse.
Because you're about to get beaten by a woman.
Oh.
That could be better.
- Listen, I got a call this morning.
- It's your shot, Leon.
Whoa, whoa.
Hang on, hang on.
I thought you said you played? Yeah.
I'm a street golf kind of guy.
You know, freestyle.
OK, hang on.
Just a minute.
Put your feet together.
All right.
Shoulder-width apart.
Put you're back at a 45-degree angle.
Bend your knees a little, OK? Loosen the hips.
Submit to, mommy.
Come on, huh? Relax.
The Red List called.
I'm on it.
- Number 71, I'm on the list.
- Well, well! Huh? That is great.
Yeah, just come see me when you break the top 30, cos that's where I've been for the last eight years straight.
I have to get in touch with Naomi.
I have a feeling this is the year where I crack the top five.
God, 71, that's funny.
I didn't even realise the list went that low.
Be sure to say hi to Richard Bacon for me.
No, no, your feet are wrong again.
Ow! [SHE MOANS.]
You idiot! Babe, you can barely tell, to be honest with you.
Show me.
Pass me a syringe, please.
What for? Because I'm going to go out into the countryside, go into a field and find a cow with mad cow disease.
And I'm going to plunge it right into her crazy cow ass, and I'm going to come here and inject it into your fucking eye, Leon.
Mad cow, right in the eye.
Do not make the oops face, motherfucker! We'll give you a prescription for some painkillers.
You see, this is why you're only number 71, Leon.
A golf club.
It's like a fucking cartoon.
Ow, ow, ow! Oh! What about the party tonight? - What party? - The Red List, Leon.
They throw a party tonight to announce the top 100, and I can't show up looking like someone dropped steak tartare on my face.
Just tell Naomi to stop by later with my laptop.
I'll be working at home until such time as I no longer have tampons in my nose.
I'll just wait in the lobby, shall I? Maybe we can catch a late showing, or something.
Look at this.
So this is speed-funding, is it? It's basically corporate and non-sexy lap dancing.
Let's just go.
Wait, this could be good for you.
You know? We all have to whore ourselves a little bit.
Heaven knows, I had to flash Casey a bit of nipple during the whole courting process.
I might stick around.
Maybe I can do a bit of investing myself.
Thanks, Josh.
- Abi from Squat Bot.
- Graham Bailey from Trial Equity.
- Duncan.
- Josh.
- Pitch me.
- OK, well, it's basically Right Move, but for squatters.
I've got an idea for an app where you sell your leftover dinners.
It's called Left Ovr.
Like "leftover", but without the E, cos someone already had the E.
Please, I've got to get back to my terminal.
Just, please.
I'm not going anywhere, Ewan.
This is Occupy.
Sexy Occupy.
Let's have a fuck-in.
A fuck-in? We fuck in Leon's office until such time as he gives you an - office of your own.
- Calum, there are only two offices! - Fine, then he gives you the other one! - No, because that's Casey's, and if I'm Prince Andrew, then she's the vengeful spirit of Henry VIII.
Wow.
All right.
I will OK.
When Leon gets back, I will confront him about the office, all right? Pull up your drawers.
There's my Ewan.
OK.
Crack on with the code.
Ooh, quick cube sweep.
Like, obviously, gravy presents some challenges, in terms of keeping it warm and not getting the skin on top.
- Mmm.
-[GONG SOUNDS.]
OK, Duncan, thanks very much.
Off you go.
Aren't you meant to go? Yes.
Yes, I am.
Excuse me.
Why haven't they stop talking? They're supposed to have stopped talking by now.
It's really good to meet you.
Josh, what are you doing? - I told you, I don't want your money.
- He groped you.
- What, Graham? - Graham.
Graham groped your boob.
- No, he didn't.
- I saw it, Abi, all right? He went like this And then he went like this.
Well, now you've just groped my boob.
I saw it.
I saw your boob jiggle.
All right, he grazed it.
He grazed my right tit with the tip of his fingers.
- Thank you! Where is he? - Don't you dare.
- I'll have him.
- What? You gonna fight him? No.
I'm going to do what a real man does.
I'm going to take his photo, - and I'm going to shame him on Twitter.
- Well, I don't want you to.
It's not up to you, though, is it? Oh.
Oh, I see.
So it's your choice, is it, how outraged I'm allowed to be? - Bit patriarchal.
- Hang on.
Graham honked your boob, and I'm the sexist one? No-one honked my boob, Josh.
This isn't Benny Hill.
Look, all I'm saying is sometimes this is what happens to women in business.
- No, it's not.
- Well, now who's in denial? Ah, let's just go! Stop it! I'm not doing anything.
- What's wrong with you? - All right! Need to get my Cloakroom.
What are you doing back? I thought I gave you the afternoon off.
I need to see Casey.
I need some advice from a woman in business.
Some investor guy - honked Abi's boob.
- He honked it? - Yeah.
Like that.
- I think you want to do something - about that, mate.
That is wrong.
- She doesn't want me to.
Sometimes it doesn't matter what a woman wants.
Great.
Thank you for the lesson in gender politics, Professor Robin Thicke.
Leon, can I talk to you about something, please? Ewan, how's the game? Cos clocks are ticking.
Come on, Digby, over here! Boys, this is Digby.
Uh, I don't really like dogs, Watto.
He doesn't have an owner, so he belongs to me now.
- You have a dog? - Actually, no, it's not a possession.
He's a person.
[DOG WHIMPERS.]
He's just done a huge shit on the floor.
Has he, though, or is he just cutting through the artifice of this whole thing? No, he has.
He's done a massive shit on the floor.
He doesn't care who we are or what we're worth, he just barrels in and takes a plop right there on the carpet.
That's not a turd.
- That's a call to arms.
- Definitely is a turd.
Well, clean it then.
It's humbling.
It's like the Roman emperor who used to pay the slave to whisper in his ear, "Remember, - "we're only human".
- Oh, come on, Watto, hey? Kitchen roll, don't sock it.
This, yeah? Authenticity, which is more than I can say for some of you lot.
Has anyone heard from Casey? She's not picking up.
She's at home.
I smashed her in the face with a golf club.
- Holy shit, Leon.
- Yeah, I know.
Oh, she wants you to drop around with her laptop.
I've got some news for her, bad news.
I thought it was weird that I hadn't heard from the Red List, so I rang them, and What, she's not on it? Not at all? Oh, my God! This is awesome! - I'm on the list and Casey isn't.
- I think, maybe, they only wanted one representative from the company, so they chose you.
Oh, God, I feel like that guy when he became Pope.
- You mean, the Pope? - Yes, that guy.
She won't be happy.
Last year she slipped three places, and she had to go off on holiday for a week, and not just a normal holiday.
Giraffe safari.
Casey shot a giraffe? - Holy shit! - She's a total enigma.
There was one rumour going around that she was in a long-distance relationship with Lance Armstrong.
That one I can see.
And now she's going to kill me like she killed that poor animal.
Naomi, please.
I would love to break the good news to her.
I'll take her laptop round as well.
Oh, I see.
So, you assaulted her and now you want to gloat? Yeah! Woohoo! Leon, can I use your office while you're out? - What for? - Well, just giving them the big - heave-ho on the code, and everything.
- Ewan, mate.
You don't get your own office just because you work hard.
Why do you get your own office? Kind of genetic, you're either born with it or you're not.
It's like double joints.
What's all this about, mate? Oh, I get it, this is coming from Yoko.
No, no, no, no.
He's not Yoko, he's Linda, and I'm probably Frog Song era Paul McCartney, and I think he's losing respect for me, and I really want to get laid! Are you totally sure about this guy? I think he hates us all.
No, he's lovely.
And I think he's onto something, actually, in terms of my status around this place.
Listen, I'm expecting a delivery, the Red List are biking over my award.
Sign for it, yeah? And, uh, happy coding.
Plenty of Vitamin C, and don't get scurvy! [HE WHOOPS.]
You know what, Diggers? We can go chasing sticks.
I can take you for walks.
I'll have to buy you a lead for when we're near the road, but other than that, I'll let you off, and we can go anywhere.
Anywhere! You'd like that, wouldn't you? Here he is! Who's this big, lovely boy? - What's your name? - Digby.
He's lovely.
What sort is he? Don't know.
He's, sort of, like, a Dutch mountain dog or something.
Have you noticed how his breathing sounds? Yeah, he's a bit breathy, but that's all part of his rugged wild man mystique.
He's basically Leonard Cohen.
Aren't you, Dig, aren't you Leonard Cohen? Yes, you are Leonard Cohen.
You should probably get him checked out though, yeah? - Just to be on the safe side.
- Yeah, sure.
What's the harm? Up you come, Digby! I love you! What, you here to hit me with a cricket bat? Smash me in my vagina with a croquet mallet? I brought your laptop.
Also, I felt bad about the face - thing, so I got you some soup.
- I hate soup.
It's the opiate of the elderly, the homeless and mentally infirm.
Soup is bullshit.
Strong feelings on soup! You've moved, you're not - in the suite any more.
- Oh, that's very observant.
Why don't you come in? I'll give you the tour.
We can do a cats cradle, - watch Golden Girls.
- Casey! - There's something I need to tell you.
- What? Um, I'm sorry.
You didn't make it onto the Red List this year.
- Bullshit! - I know, it's crazy.
Naomi told me.
I mean, how could I be on it, at number 71? You're not even on it at all.
I mean, I'm a passing phase.
You're timeless.
You're A prawn cocktail.
An absolute design classic.
I'm a cronut.
You remember the cronut? Who even cares about the cronut? Well, a lot of people, actually, they they loved - the cronut.
- Well, I don't care about those piece-of-shit lists any Whoa! Hey, - are you OK? - Fine.
- Come on.
- I said I'm fine.
The point is, I asked him, and I made my position very clear.
OK, McFly, well when you finish coding the game, maybe you - can go and wax Biff's car.
- A package for Leon Harper? Oh, yeah, I'll take it.
Cheers.
Hey, no, no, no! Be careful.
He's expecting an award.
The Red List, number 71, Leon Harper.
- Where's yours? - Oh, I didn't get one.
- People like me don't get awards.
- Ewan, he's out there dicking about, and you, the working man, chained to his terminal, still typing away after everyone's left.
You get nothing.
Can you stop looking at that for one second? I'm a communist, Ewan.
And I have never been more communist than I am right now.
Gosh, never slept with a communist before.
A couple Lib Dems.
Smash it.
- No, I really can't.
- Liberate yourself from - your oppressor, Ewan.
- He's not an oppressor, he's Leon.
It's probably acrylic, anyway.
No! It is It's glass.
I didn't think you'd actually smash it.
I know! God, am I a communist now? Mmm.
Where? I want you to take me on Leon's desk.
Oh, my, hot, horny Christ! Dyspnoea.
That's why his breathing's all like that.
He's got about six months.
Right.
And in terms of the condition manifesting itself? Oh, he'll deteriorate pretty badly.
My auntie's dog had it.
He'll be very phlegmy, a lot of coughing.
Kind of, like [SHE WHEEZES.]
And he'll be doing that here, will he, deteriorating? He'll be deteriorating in the house? Very much so.
He'll be moving in with us until the endgame.
That's comforting, isn't it? Look at him.
All the wisdom in the world, and he hasn't got a clue.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
I just got a call from Side Boob Graham.
He's giving me the money! Ha! Ah! Obviously, he can run it through on deductibles.
Receipt from Stringfellows, lunch at Hooters, investment in Squat Bot.
- Ugh, Josh! - I'm sorry, I'm just - horrified that this still happens.
- Well, I said yeah, I'm taking the money.
Sorry, what? You said yes to investment from a man that we are now quite openly referring to as 'Side Boob Graham'? Yes! That's your investor, he's on your board now, Side Boob Graham.
All of your corporate literature.
Advisory Board - Peter Humphreys, Glen Davis, Side Boob Graham.
- Who's Glen Davis? - I don't know, I just made up a name.
Why can't it be that he just likes my idea? - Of course he doesn't.
- Why, cos you think it's shit? I didn't say that.
Just face it, Josh.
He believes in me, and you don't, which is why I'm taking his money.
Honk, honk.
So, these lists, they don't really mean anything? I told you, I don't care.
Is that right? Do not look in that cabinet! I don't want you going off at the deep end, and booking some holiday to Africa.
OK, you've been hearing the rumours.
Let me guess, I ploughed a Jeep into a herd of antelope? - Shot a giraffe.
- Sure, that one too.
Leon, you want to go and spy in the curtain, I'll give you one.
- We're going out.
- Where? The Red List.
They're having a party, remember? - Is that a good idea? - I'm going to find out why I'm not on that list, or die trying.
You're driving.
[BANG.]
I've been thinking about it.
We can do him a bucket list, give him the best six months of his life.
Yeah.
That's a really nice idea.
Cos they like tennis balls, don't they? What if we got Roger Federer to do some serves and he caught them? Or hire a postman and fill his pockets with offal.
He likes Thai food.
We could get Ken Hom in to do him a Pad Thai.
Or catch a pigeon and just let him do whatever he wants with it.
Visit the Elgin Marbles, just cos it's a nice day out.
Yeah, that'd be lovely.
I should write some of these down.
Hey, Naomi, can have a word, please? I need a favour.
I need you to set me up a shell company, and then use that shell company to acquire another company.
But keep my name away from it, like, well away from it, and? Sure.
Really? We have a shady lawyer that we sometimes use.
Shady David.
- He's shady.
- It's not shady.
It's essentially an act of chivalry.
I'm saving Abi from a serial groper.
Hey, I'm Casey's assistant.
I can't afford to have a moral compass.
- [PHONE BEEPS.]
- There you go.
Call Shady David.
Cheers.
Thank you.
What's up, everybody? Casey's here! Hey, don't go anywhere.
Come here.
- Thank you.
- OK, Casey, let's not cause a Scene.
- I'm not causing a scene.
- Um, Leon Harper? Rachel.
I compiled the list.
Ah! Hey, great to meet you.
- Likewise.
- Hey, Rachel.
How's that early-onset Alzheimer's? Well, you clearly forgot something Moi! I'm sorry, you are? Oh, I see, we're gonna play that game.
Casey.
Casey Renard.
- Oh.
- 'Oh!' - Wow.
- I know.
- I wasn't expecting to see you.
- How come I'm not on the list, - Rachel? - Um - Well, it's a very competitive field.
- How come I'm - not on the list, Rachel? - This year, more than ever, - in terms of potential candidates - How come I am not - on the list, Rachel? - It's incredibly tough to - narrow it down.
We can't - How come I am not on the list, Rachel? - accommodate everyone.
- How come I am not on the list, Rachel? - There's always next year.
- How come I'm not on the list, Rachel?! Because you're past it! Your peak, probably, in my opinion.
But that's just, that's just one opinion.
Thank you, Rachel.
I appreciate your candour.
Right, I should, um, probably go and Mingle with my contemporaries.
I'll see you in a bit.
Hey.
So what do you do, then? Uh I make shorts.
Oh, really? What sort? Like cargo, or? - Films.
I make short films.
- Oh! Right.
Oh, you thought I made actual shorts? That's hilarious.
Nah, nah.
I was joking.
Oh, God.
Who ordered the fax machine? Who? Casey Rennard.
We call her 'the fax machine' because she hasn't done anything useful since, like, 1998.
What about you, then? What have you done? Made a short film? That's not a job, is it? That's like saying, 'I make short curtains.
' 'I make windows that don't close.
' Right.
Cos computer games are, like, so great.
- Yeah, everyone loves video games.
- Video games - are for little boys.
- [HE LAUGHS.]
OK.
Don't presume to step to me with the demographics of mobile gamers.
70% of players are women.
The average gaming session for women lasts 25% longer than men.
61% of mobile gamers are parents, bosh.
And you know what? Casey gets it.
She does.
She's smarter than everyone in this room.
And I'm not surprised you're so keen on demographics.
What does that mean? Nothing.
Sorry.
I get it.
You're trying to say I'm - the diversity pick.
- No, no, no, no.
I'm definitely not saying that.
Can I ask you a question? - Am I only here cos I'm black? - What? No, God! Absolutely not.
[HE CLEARS THROAT.]
Right.
No, no, no.
I get it.
Thank you.
The richest 1% has as much as the rest of the world combined.
Absolutely sickening.
And I say that as, like, 1% of the 1%.
I'll make an activist of you yet.
- What's that? - No, nothing.
It's not anything.
I felt bad.
It's an award, and I know it means a lot to him.
He's not taking advantage of you, is he? You enjoy it.
OK, it's silly.
Look, I've stopped.
- The guy's a total arsehole.
- Whoa, OK, hang on.
He's a mate.
And he values me, actually.
I'm the Moby of Kodi.
Yeah, exactly.
Where the fuck is Moby, Ewan? That's not a compliment.
You need to stand up for yourself.
Yeah.
Maybe you're right.
I think you should leave.
Yeah.
I do, actually.
Now, would you like me to call you a courier? I'll walk.
See you around, Ewan.
[DOOR CLOSES.]
Sex? One final shag for Digby? We could hire, like, the hottest female dog from Crufts.
Where's he gone? Digby? Digby, mate? [DISTANT.]
: - Digby? - Digby! Not taking Graham's money.
[HE GASPS.]
No way! What happened? Got a better offer.
Just came in.
Just got a call from his lawyer.
Must have been someone at that speed funding thing.
I need to look into it properly, but it's generous.
Really generous.
- A lot of money.
- Ah, it's, uh It's amazing.
I need you to understand, Josh.
It's really important I do this on my own.
Otherwise, people will always say you just gave me the money cos I'm your girlfriend.
I need to know that I'm still a thing.
I want respect.
Thank you, though, for being so understanding.
And the best part is, I get to develop the next stage of Squat Bot without having to have sex with some gross, rich creep.
No, that really is good news.
So, let's have sex to celebrate.
You gross, rich creep.
Digby! There's some more green chicken curry if you want it.
Digby! What are you doing down here, buddy? Digby! Oh, no! Oh, God, no! Digby! - I'm gonna go.
- No? You don't want to stay and bask in your glory? No, I didn't want to come anyway.
I knew it was just a box-ticking thing.
- What? The black thing? - I don't know, it's like it's ten times as hard for me to get a seat at the table.
And when I finally do, smug little empty haircuts tell me I'm only here because of tokenism.
You are.
We all are, Leon.
15 years ago, the first time I was on the list, it was because I was and am a hot piece of ass.
Seriously, do you think any of these people are here on merit? OK, you know what A-hem! Can I have your attention, please? So, just to say, these awards - are bullshit.
- Oh, sour grapes? It's not about grapes.
Because why are we all here? Really? Hm? I mean, you loss-making company supported by Daddy's money.
You.
Cousin on the editorial board.
Daddy gave you the job.
Fucked Tom Potter.
Fucked Tom Potter.
Daddy gave you the job.
Daddy gave you the job.
Daddy gave you the job Minor royal.
The point is, enjoy tonight, because guess what? The women and the blacks and the minorities and the trans people are coming to eat your privilege and we are hungry as hell, because we haven't had a meal in centuries.
Leon, let's bounce.
Actually, Casey, - I want to say something - Bu, bu, bu It's not your place.
Let's go.
More fool you for letting a wolf in the door.
Ha-ha! See you next year.
And I eat which part of the kebab? Both.
Both elements? Even though one of them kinda looks like - a peeled animal skin? - Try it.
Oh, my god, this is so gross.
Mmm.
Just so we're clear, I don't really care about issues of social inequality.
I was merely using that as a pretext to devalue the award systems out of pure spite.
Yeah, I got that.
But thanks anyway.
You are something, Leon.
I mean, the list is horse shit.
But They got it right about you.
Game recognises game.
Oh, it's Ewan.
He's finished the game, we're ready for the expo.
Hmm.
You know what you need when you're at the top of the tree, Leon? A steady branch.
Loyalty.
Take me by the office.
There is something I've been meaning to show you.
- It's all my fault.
- You can't blame yourself, mate.
It could've happened to anyone.
Anyone with a really deep pool.
I was meant to give him the happiest six months of his life.
I drowned him on day one.
No, they say it's one of the most painless ways to go.
No, they don't, do they? Yeah, they do.
I'm sure he wasn't scared.
Maybe I could pay to have him cryogenically frozen.
But then what, mate? You get him reanimated one day and then he's just got six months of being ill and then he dies Again.
I'm gonna go to my room.
I just want to be on my own.
You all right? What are we going to do with it? - Have you got like a chest freezer? - We do, but he's not going in it.
I've got ham hocks in that thing.
This is Goodfellas, isn't it? I'm about to be shot in the back of the head.
- Holy shit.
- Meet Cat Factory 2.
Fucking hell, you've been working on the sequel the whole time? Welcome to the other side of the curtain, Leon.
Oh, look, it's Leon.
Finally home after a hard day's work.
What happened to you? You've been ages.
Oh, you know.
Nothing much.
It's all good.