Loudermilk (2017) s01e06 Episode Script

1 I need you to go to a meeting for me.
A client meeting? Kind of.
Not really.
I got a DUI last month.
I need you to go to this Sober Friends meeting - and pretend to be me.
- [KNOCKING.]
Do you mind if I sit in? Who wants to sponsor Tom? - Fuck it, I'll do it! - You sure, Cutter? You think you're ready, after what happened to Ollie? Looking forward to diving in, - seeing what [SCREAMS HIGH-PITCHED.]
- You feel that? That's the kind of grip this thing's got on you, man.
See you, Tom.
Why'd you take my records and my record player? LOUDERMILK: She went into Rhino Vinyl, and this is what she walked out with.
Uh, so she has shitty taste in music.
So what? It's not her fault.
Most beautiful women do.
I'm getting a different sponsor.
I do appreciate everything you've done for me.
[BANGING.]
Do you realize, as I'm standing here, the Earth is spinning on its axis a thousand miles an hour? Like, if I was God spinning a basketball, thousand miles an hour.
And at the same time it's doing that, the Earth is going in orbit around the sun at guess what rate of speed.
66,000 miles an hour.
66,000 miles an hour, thousand miles an hour.
And on top of that, the whole solar system's going through the Milky Way galaxy at guess what rate of speed.
400,000 miles an hour.
400,000 miles an hour, 66,000 miles an hour, and a thousand miles an hour.
And to top it all off, as that's happening, the whole Milky Way galaxy is tearing through the universe at guess what rate of speed.
2.
2 million miles an hour.
And that, officer, is why I failed to walk a straight line as you requested a few moments ago.
Hey, what? Oh.
What the hell are you doing?! I'm asking myself the same thing.
I don't know what's more disturbing, the fact that you got a beer in your hand or you're stroking your cucumber to some soft-core make-out porn.
And not even having a hard-on! I had a hard-on.
Well, what happened to good old "gold chip" Donny? Looks like he's doing a top-notch job.
Come on.
Let's get him on the blower ASAP, tell him you had a slip.
No, I-it's late.
I-I'll call him tomorrow.
We might not have a tomorrow if we don't get this under control now! [SIGHS.]
[DIALING, RINGING.]
Oh, darn.
He's not picking up.
Yeah, well, that's top-notch sponsoring.
If I ever meet this Donny guy, I'm gonna choke him out.
- [BEEP.]
- Hi.
You've reached Donny.
I got his voicemail.
So you know what? I'm gonna - Hey, shithead! - Do While you're out doing God knows what, your sponsee's sucking back beers like Bukowski at the Golden Goose happy hour! - I had one beer.
- You're a Goddamn gold chip! Get on the ball, man.
You know how this goes.
You're better than this.
[BEEP.]
What are you doing? I'm waiting for him to call back.
I'm giving him 10 minutes.
After that, he's officially fired, and I'm back on the clock.
Ticktock.
I can't live like this! [CHUCKLES.]
I gotta lay the truth out.
They say it'll set you free.
I hope so.
Cutter, I'm not an alcoholic.
God! - That's funny.
- Hmm! You know how those homosexuals have a thing they call gaydar? Well, us drunks have something, too.
We call it drunkdar.
It's not as clever as gaydar, but it works.
[IMITATES SCANNER.]
- Oh, hee boop, boop, boop, boop, boop! - Stop scanning me! See, I know an alky when I see one.
I can sense it.
It's like those elephants who took the higher ground - before the tsunami.
- No, no.
I went to that meeting for my boss.
Well, if your boss thinks you have a problem, he's probably right.
No, no, you don't understand.
- My boss got the DUI, and - Save it! I've been in this business long enough to know that the next word that comes out of your mouth - is gonna be a lie.
- [SCOFFS.]
- Fine.
Okay.
- You calling dependable Donny again? No, no, I'm calling the police.
I tried to explain it to you, but you won't listen to me.
I tried to ask you to leave nicely, and you refused.
So [RINGING.]
- DISPATCHER: Emergency.
- Hi, there.
- Is there a problem? - Yes.
I need your help.
A man climbed onto my balcony, he entered my apartment! There's no need to send anyone.
It's my ex-sponsee, and that's his disease talking.
You think that's gonna keep them from sending someone? [SCOFFS.]
Let 'em come.
What do I care? - Just - If it takes me getting arrested to prove myself to you, so be it.
Let me know when they get here.
Oh.
I will.
Hey, you journal, too? It's a great way of freeing negative emotions.
It's not a journal.
It's for work.
I didn't know you were in advertising.
Yep.
Jumping Jack Crash! [LAUGHS.]
You worked on this? Yes.
Actually, I created the entire campaign.
You came up with Jumping Jack Crash?! God damn! I fuckin' love that little rabbit! Zzit! With that little lightning bolt on his head! [LAUGHS.]
That cracks me up every time! Zzit! Man, I'm impressed.
Who knew you were funny? You don't seem funny to me.
Thanks.
[LAUGHS.]
You should probably go.
Police are on their way.
Man, that's good shit.
[SIREN WAILS IN DISTANCE.]
Whoo.
[SIREN WAILING.]
Pigs are here, Tommy! I'll handle it.
Don't worry.
Sir? We got a call about an intruder.
Put your hands where we can see 'em.
One move, and I'll snap his neck.
TENNELY: On the ground, sir! Don't make me tase you! You couldn't tase your own dick, Diaz! Stand down, Tennely! [LAUGHTER.]
- How y'all doing? - Good, man.
- Long time, Cutter.
- Good to see you, man.
You know the story about this guy.
He's just a little bit Just helping out, man.
All right.
- Okay? - Everything is good? - Everything's good.
- All right.
Wait! Where are you going?! Sorry you had to come out here for nothing.
Nothing? No, no, no! No, no! This is not for nothing! This is for something! - Be safe! - Hey, hey, hey! Wait, I want to file a complaint! [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
That was Diaz and Tennely.
We go way back.
Good guys.
You You know them? Know 'em? I trained those two dipshits.
I used to be a cop.
Didn't I tell you? No.
[BEEPING.]
Yep.
10 minutes.
That makes it official.
Donny's done.
You're mine again.
We gotta start working them steps.
- Come on.
- No! [ANDY SHAUF'S "THE MAN ON STAGE" PLAYS.]
BARISTA: Got a latte for Jim over here.
You want me to talk to him for ya? Hmm? Tell him to untuck his shirt, 'cause he looks like a fucking idiot? No! - Taking the edge off of me - All right.
Is a necessity when I'm singing these words That I no longer mean - Yeah, okay.
- Excuse me.
Sir? - I am not a poet, I'm a broken heart - [CELLPHONE RINGING.]
Don't go anywhere.
Yeah.
It's Tony.
LOUDERMILK: Hey, Tony.
I got a DUI last night.
- What are you calling me for? - 'Cause I'm in county lockup.
- Why didn't you call your sponsor? - 'Cause they took my cellphone, and I couldn't remember anybody's numbers.
- You remember mine? - Yeah.
Your numbers spell out "shitbag.
" - [SCOFFS.]
Really? - No, I just know your number.
Now, please, will you come down here and get me? All right.
Where am I going? I told you county.
Fine.
See ya there.
[CELLPHONE BEEPS.]
[MOUTHS WORDS.]
Ah, shit.
No! I told you to wait! Dodged a bullet, mom-jeans.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING.]
So, Tony, what'd you learn from your DUI? Did you at least get some understanding - of why you drank last night? - I know exactly why.
My wife opened up my bottle of Giuseppi Quintarelli "Alzero" Cabernet Veneto.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Why do you have a bottle of wine? 'Cause I bought it for an investment.
It's It's like art.
And all of a sudden, Karen decides to open it up to cook with it.
I'm telling you, I was upstairs, and I could smell the hint of vanilla mixed with the the clove.
Mmm.
A little bit of cherry in there as well.
[SIGHS.]
That sounds amazing.
You bet your ass it's amazing.
They age it in Slovakian oak barrels, for fuck's sake.
Anyone ever see that film "Sideways"? What a fucking great film that is.
It was like you're actually drinking it yourself.
Ah, man.
I-I felt that way when Chevy Chase drank the egg nog in "Christmas Vacation.
" Oh, the one that got me was, uh, "United 93.
" Couldn't take my eyes off those little green Jameson bottles.
I had to walk out of the theater.
Okay, that's enough romanticizing, all right? It's just fucking booze! That's the thing that brought us all here.
So your wife opens up the bottle.
Why you gotta drink it? 'Cause she poured half a cup into her spaghetti sauce and then stuffed the cork back in.
What the fuck was I suppose to do? That's a $400 bottle of wine.
Yeah, don't put this on your wife, all right? You're responsible for keeping your side of the street clean.
But she comes on my side of the street.
- And she's messing it up.
- No, cut the shit.
You're in charge of you, not her.
That still doesn't explain why you got into your car.
I was heading downtown to my wine locker to grab a bottle of Screaming Eagle.
Why? Because it's the only wine that can follow up a Giuseppi Veneto.
Okay, you [SIGHS.]
You gotta get rid of that locker.
Right, you gotta sell it all, every single bottle.
- You want me to liquidate my assets? - Yeah, correct.
I want you to liquidate the liquids.
Invest in yourself, you dumb fuck! Or Alcoa.
Or mutual funds.
Hey, what are you doing? It's not 1975.
You can't smoke in here.
[CHUCKLES.]
My bad.
I've been meaning to ask you how things were going with your sponsee.
Hey, he's had a couple missteps.
- Oh, yeah? - But I've been right there to catch him.
Good.
Feels good to be of service.
Yeah.
You know, I was this close to picking up again before Tom showed up.
Shit, really? Yeah, Tom's cry for help really struck a chord in me.
I'm not talking no pussy minor chord.
I'm talking E major.
Wah! Wah, wah! [LAUGHS.]
Like that one that Pete Townshend hits at the beginning of "Teenage Wasteland.
" "Baba O'Riley.
" That's an F-major chord.
Who gives a fuck what chord it is?! Right.
Yeah, sorry.
Fucker, I'm pouring my guts out here.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
It's a great chord.
You know, when Ollie finally went south it was a rough road, man.
I remember.
But working with that newbie it's finally taking me out of that dark place.
Yeah.
It's kind of like my my pineal gland is decalcified, you know.
Sure.
Thank you.
- Thank you for that, man.
- Sure.
You got it.
Any time.
Man, you hard on us, Loudermilk.
Some of you need it.
[CHUCKLES.]
But you're doing good.
You're on fire, man.
That's okay, man, but as hard as you are on us, you're always harder on yourself.
Uh y-you're actually on fire.
Uh - You need me for anything else? - No, no, no.
Go, go, go.
You're on fire.
Go.
- Okay.
- Go, go, go.
Yeah, this ciggy is burning a hole in my pocket.
- Yeah, okay.
- All right.
All right, good stuff, Cutter.
You home? Hey.
Yes? Uh, I just wanted to make sure that Ben got you your records back.
They're all accounted for.
Good, good, good, good.
Um, are you gonna be listening to shitty music tonight, because I was just hoping to get to bed early.
I'm kidding! I'm kidding.
I'm kidding.
[SIGHS.]
You know, your musical taste isn't so impeccable, either.
Well, I never said it was impeccable.
Spin Doctors, "Pocket Full of Kryptonite," - five stars? - All right, you gotta remember that when I wrote that review, the videos had not come out yet.
You said they were gonna be the next Grateful Dead.
Well, it's a rock-solid album, and I stand by the review.
I didn't tell the guy to wear the freaking hat.
He looked like a Peruvian sheep herder.
"Odelay" by Beck, one-and-a-half stars.
- Really? - That was personal.
- And yet you gushed over Limp Bizkit.
- All right, listen, I-I was drinking and drugging pretty heavy when "Chocolate Starfish and the Hot Dog Flavored Water" came out, and I I gotta admit that shit sounds pretty good on blow mixed with tequila and wine on an empty stomach.
Okay, fine, you got me.
You got me.
I just I didn't come here to argue music with you.
I just You know, I just wanted to make things, uh You mean, like, apologize? Whatever you want to call it.
Um, I didn't mean to go off on you the other day.
That's That's all.
Okay.
I will accept your apology, but you need to learn not to get so worked up over something as trivial as music.
Okay, fuck it.
[SIGHS.]
Hey! Now I was kidding.
Oh.
Oh, okay.
Well, uh so you and I are good? Yeah.
[BILLY CHANGER'S "SWEET TIME" PLAYS.]
[BANGING.]
Saying I take your private space But I want none - Hey, hey! - Closed! No, no, it's me! It's me Tom! - Saying that I take all your time - Tom! Tom from group! - But I haven't - [MUSIC STOPS.]
- What are you doing here? - I need to talk to you.
Well, that's what group's for.
No, I need to talk to you without Cutter around.
Look, you can't just show up at At somebody's workplace.
Yeah, tell that to Cutter.
Please! - All right.
- Thank you.
Okay, be honest with me.
Am I Am I in danger? What are you talking about? Just level with me.
Is Cutter insane? Is he Is he bipolar? Does he have PTSD? What happened to Ollie? Okay, all right, calm down.
Are you high? - No! - Okay.
- I'm I'm not high.
- All right, go sit down.
Okay, um Are you 100% sure Cutter did not kill Ollie? Yes, I am.
Cutter did not kill Ollie.
Okay, because he's weird.
You should see him when he sleeps.
He stabs at the air, and he shrieks like a fisher-cat.
When did you see Cutter asleep? He sleeps on the floor next to my bed.
Why? I don't know why! All right, look I-I can tell you that Cutter is 99% harmless, okay? But the thing is, is that he does give a shit.
He really, really, really, really wants you to be sober.
Okay, but I didn't sign up for this.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- No, you were court-ordered.
Why can't you be my sponsor? No, you already got a sponsor.
I think this is good for Cutter.
Good for Cutter?! I thought this was supposed to be about me.
See, that's your problem, Tom, right there.
It's not all about you.
Okay? As soon as you get your head around that, you're gonna start to get a handle on your disease.
- I Listen, I-I get what you're say - [BANGING.]
- [SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY.]
- Oh.
- Come on, we gotta go.
- How did he know you're here? - He d-drove me here.
- Loudermilk's busy.
- What? - It's time up, okay? I-I told him I had to give you my cousin's band's CD, that they actually do want you to listen to it.
It It's Is everything all right? - Everything's cool.
- Okay, let's go.
Everything's so copacetic.
Motherfucker! He's a fucking cop? - Jesus Christ, man! - He used to be.
He probably failed his psych evaluation.
We need to make sure he doesn't find out about us, or we could be big-time screwed, okay? We could get jail time for this.
How am I gonna get you promoted from jail? No, jail? W-What do you mean, jail? Duh! It's a felony! - You filling in for my third DUI.
- Third DUI?! You didn't tell me it was your third! Come on, you think they're gonna send me to 30 meetings for one DUI? Get your head on straight.
I can't believe how much you fucked this thing up.
You know, you need to start taking some responsibility for your actions, Kevin.
Maybe you shouldn't get all these DUls.
Enough with the mumbo-jumbo, okay? You've been to too many of these meetings.
- Yeah, no shit! - Calm down! [BREATHING HEAVILY.]
Okay, the good news is look what came in today.
This is your new client.
Voluptuous.
Okay.
You want to get to know her.
You want to get to love her, because you, baby, are taking the reins on this one.
Wait, really? I-I have the reins? That's right.
It's all you.
This is your Jumping Jack Crash.
Jumping Jack Crash is my Jumping Jack Crash.
Yeah, well, right, yeah.
But now this time, they won't fuck you out of the recognition.
They? That was you.
Okay, now you're just splitting hairs.
[LIQUID POURING.]
Ooh.
[SNIFFS.]
Oh, that's not bad.
That is not bad.
Here.
- Take a sip.
- Oh! [CHUCKLES.]
No, it's a little early for vodka.
Jesus, just take a sip.
It is your job to know what we're selling.
Okay.
Uh, the peach is nice.
It's kind of - brunchie.
- Hmm.
What What are you doing here? You You can't just show up at my office like this.
I'm just checking in.
Plus, I brought you a lunch.
- Oh.
Tha - I made it myself.
Thank you.
A cubicle? Uh Man, I pictured you for kind of a corner-office kind of a guy.
You know, after all, you came up with Jumping Jack Crash.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Man, that lightning bolt is a piece of Americana.
Hey, did the San Diego Chargers ever try to sue? No, they didn't.
And I will have an office soon, but not if I sit around chatting to people all day.
- So - All right, all right.
I get it, I get it.
I'll be out of your Hey, what's this? Oh, that's my new client.
It's 40% alcohol.
You sure it's a smart idea having this on your desk? I work at an ad agency.
I'm confiscating this.
Oh, you're not strong enough to deal with this kind of temptation.
It It's Hell, it's got tits and ass and booze inside? Do you You know my mouth's watering just looking at this thing.
And I've got five years clean.
Listen, I-it's work, okay? I'm not drinking the stuff.
Okay.
I'm gonna need you to blow in this.
- [BEEPS.]
- I'm not blowing in that thing.
Yeah, you are.
[BEEPS.]
Come on.
[BLOWS.]
Blow like it's Betty White's 95th birthday cake.
[BEEPS.]
Son of a bitch, Tom.
It's 11:00 a.
m.
Oh, no, no, no.
I My boss asked me to sample some product.
- I had a tiny sip.
It's not a - You don't get it, man! What? A sip is a slip.
That's all it takes.
If I had just one sip, I'd be off and running.
Okay.
You know, I'm starting to seriously question this work environment here.
My work environment is fine.
No.
Cutter.
Cutter, where you Where are you going? Cutter? Cutter, where are you Cutter, where are you going? No, no, no, no, no! No, no, no! - Uh! - Please please get down.
Listen up, I've got an announcement to make.
- Please get down.
- Down.
Over there, now.
- MAN: What's going on? - Now.
- Please get down.
- I'm sorry to interrupt.
My name's Tracy Cutter, and I'm an alcoholic.
I'm also this brave young man's sponsor.
[CHUCKLES.]
I don't know who hired this guy, but it's not funny, people.
It's no joke.
I'm blowing Tom's cover because we're dealing with some serious shit here.
And my man's gonna need your help.
Dealing with alcoholism isn't easy.
But with your love and support, Tom can get through this.
That's why, by the power invested in me as Tom's Sober Friends sponsor, I'm giving you permission to check his breath every morning.
I'm leaving this here.
It's an SD-5 police-issue breathalyzer.
Self-cleaning, standard stuff.
Have Tom blow in this for 10 seconds while you hold down this button.
But, remember, the breathalyzer doesn't check - for benzos or opiates.
- Oh.
So feel free to check his coat pockets and desk drawers.
But be careful while you're poking around, - you might find a dirty needle in there.
- No.
Remember, you're dealing with a man who sold his family dog to the Vietcong for heroin.
WOMAN: What? Oh, my God! - That's right.
- Uh He might as well put the damn thing on the grill himself.
But hold your head up high, Tom.
I think everybody in this room has battled with some form of addition Be it caffeine Hmm? - food - Hmm? video games and/or masturbation.
Whatever it is, communication is the key, right? Or maybe just cutting back on those desserts.
Mm! Anyways there's a saying I recently heard It takes a village.
You all You all are that village.
And Tom here is the village drunk who needs your help.
WOMAN: Oh, Tom.
Why would you do something like that? - They can fire me.
- No, they can't.
That's discrimination.
We'd sue their asses.
For what? Addicts are a protected class, Tom.
I mean, you're not protected like a transsexual.
But you're way ahead of the black guy.
As an ex-cop, I should know.
Okay, but I don't want it to get to that KEVIN: But Thomas Jefferson doesn't want to sign the whole thing over again until Hancock gets to use the Cross pen.
I like it, kid.
Keep 'em coming.
- No, that was my thinking, actually.
- Mr.
Cutter.
That was quite a show you put on up there.
I'm sorry for the distraction, sir.
- I didn't know he was - Don't apologize, Tom.
I have a brother in the program, and I think it's great you're trying to get a grip on this thing.
I want you to know that we're all here for you.
Thank you, sir.
But the second I think you're back on that shit, we're gonna have problems.
- Understood? - Boom! Don't leave me hanging.
See, that's the kind of tough love my man needs.
Here, put your digits in there, chief.
If there's a problem, I'll let you know.
Come on.
[SIGHS.]
I'll try not to call after midnight unless it's life or death.
- Thank you.
- So The Declaration of Independence.
- The Founding Fathers - LOUDERMILK: Okay, so you gotta know what your triggers are.
All right? So, Tony, for you, having very expensive bottles of art that's a trigger.
Yeah, that would definitely be a trigger for me.
I love wine.
I used to start every morning with a box of Franzia.
Don't you dare call that wine.
That's shit.
I'm in high school, douchebag.
Okay, all right, but the point is, though, is you gotta identify your triggers, and then you gotta keep your fingers far away from them, right? What are your triggers, Loudermilk? Uh, I would say middle-age men who tuck their shirts into mom-jeans.
[LAUGHTER.]
I'd like a serious answer from you.
We're gonna focus on the group here right now.
You're part of the group.
Yeah, how do you expect us to open up if you can't, Loudermilk? It's like you're Mr.
Perfect, but you want to hear our dirty laundry.
No, I'm not I'm not Mr.
Perfect.
He was being facetious.
Come on, Loudermilk.
It's your turn.
Open the fuck up.
All right.
Fine, okay.
Uh my ex-wife.
I would say that when I When I think about my ex-wife and what went wrong there, I, uh it makes me want to Makes me want to drink.
What did go wrong? Hey, fuck that.
We want him to relax right here.
He just said thinking about his wife makes him want to drink.
No, no, Mugsy's right.
Airing it all out can only make things better.
That's right.
She doesn't pay rent in his head.
Gotta get it out.
- What was she like? - Yeah.
Is she hot? I bet she's hot.
Not cool, man.
She's dead.
- Oh.
- What? Whoa, whoa, what are you talking about? She's not dead.
- I never said she was dead.
- What? You said you hit into a tree, and she died.
No, I didn't.
I-I said that I was fine and she wasn't.
Which she she wasn't.
She was really messed up.
But so she she didn't die? No.
She came close.
Lost a leg.
She pulled through.
Lives in Nashville now.
Okay, so there, I opened up.
All right? Can we change the topic now? No, you're all up in my ass about not sharing stuff about my father, so now it's time for you to open up.
- What the hell? - Come on! I Well, I don't know what you want me to say.
My wife didn't die that night.
Okay? Our marriage did.
Guess you just gotta learn not to dwell on it.
Yeah, well, I'm trying.
Okay, and I think I do pretty good, too, sometimes, you know, till I hear that fucking song.
Which one? "Rainbow Connection.
" - What, by Kermit the Frog? - Yeah.
My wife loved that song, and I I used to put it on every single mixtape I ever made for her.
So, uh, of course, what that meant was when I came to in the car, Kermit was just starting in on the banjo intro, you know? And, uh, I remembered where I was.
I looked over.
I saw all that blood and thought "Oh, son of a bitch, I just killed the only woman I'm ever gonna love.
" And then the frog started singing the verse, and that it just repeats over and over.
Okay? So now you know, all right? My big trigger is the song from the fucking "Muppet Movie.
" [SIGHS.]
Would someone else like to share something, please? Cut Cutter's first name is Tracy.
[SCATTER CHUCKLES.]
Don't drink.
Don't drink.
MAN: Hey.
Hey! - Yeah? - You got a light? I don't smoke.
Once a pussy, always a pussy.
Dad? So maybe in my mind There's an elegant land In the darkness Oh, and maybe in my mind It's a hell of a time In the darkness And maybe in space There's an alien race I wouldn't be surprised So without further ado We'd like to introduce you to