Love Soup (2005) s01e06 Episode Script
War is heck
Did you ever think it possible that God in His infinite mystery could produce two mortal beings so perfectly matched in taste and temperament who could think and feel and see and act as one? Everyday now since we met, I look out there and know there is a natural order to the universe.
And what chance was there? Among the random, drifting moats of all creation that our paths could ever hope to cross until that hellish Hogmanay at Richard McCauley's.
WOMAN: Where I swear I was truly contemplating the efficacy of self-impalement as a means of escape.
Forgive me.
-Jack Coulson.
-Roberta Samms.
God, I'm sorry.
I must be the only man in Christendom who cannot see the pleasure in barking and whooping like a rooster while capering about the room among a colony of simpletons.
Also, the choice inanities that seem to charm a lady on these occasions are beyond my wit, I'm afraid.
So you see before you a hopeless social misfit.
You have just articulated every sense of frustration and alienation in my soul.
I'm honoured to make your acquaintance.
Is it too fanciful to believe in this great puzzle called life we are each born to be one of a perfect pair? You see, I have never known anyone before who discards that strange stringy bit on a banana as I do.
-And the most remarkable thing of all.
-You don't need to say it.
-The telepathy between us.
-Don't you think it's truly astonishing? You see, dear Jack, I wonder if you can tell what I am thinking now.
Well, let me tell you what I'm thinking.
That this moment now is more precious than I can say.
The two of us here, the song of a curlew, the first budding leaves of spring, and yet, this time tomorrow it will all be just a memory.
Oh, yes.
How sad that we both should dwell on that.
I think I fear the passing of time more than anything.
But it teaches me at least to value the present.
And not to take for granted a single second the two of us are together.
CLEO: What is she like? You know she used to put love bites in her neck with a garlic press? As true as I'm sitting here.
Every night, so everyone thought she'd pulled.
Stacey told me that one.
Oh dear, who's coming over to stay next week, actually.
So that will be a riot.
'Cause did I tell you? She's got this thing right, my sister, where you can never tell if she's laughing or crying.
Both sound exactly the same.
Like, she'll be going.
And you'll go running into the room, ''What is it, Stace? What's the matter?'' She'll be sitting there watching The Simpsons.
Or else, then she'll ring you up, she's going, ''I think I'm pregnant.
'' -Sorry, are we getting on your nerves? -Mmm.
Hm? Gotta be a good book that, Ali.
You can't seem to put it down.
Yes, it is.
Ermno, I was just thinking about this party I'm supposed to be going to tomorrow.
What I'm going to wear, what everyone else will be wearing, whether I'll end up looking like a transvestite again.
-Don't know.
Did you tell us about this? -Didn't I? Yeah, my dopey cousin Janice in Hove, who can barely string a sentence together at the best of times, rang me up the other day.
I'm sure you met her once, she came in the store with her husband.
They're one of these couples, whatever they've got on, they always clash.
He'll be in this shirt or something that's lime green and she'll be in turquoise.
The whole principle of tonal harmony is lost on them.
And she said I've got to come to Brian's birthday bash 'cause this year it's the ''big four''.
She's not having any excuses.
Actually, I wonder if I'm getting tonsillitis.
Ali, will you get your arse out of the comfort zone for once and just make the effort? You see, this is why you never meet anyone.
And, I mean, it's not as if you're not good-looking.
Yeah, you've got loads of great qualities that would be really attractive to a man.
You know.
Well, you seem to have backed yourselves into a corner on that one, don't you? -Thank you very much.
-No, it's just.
I don't know.
It wouldn't hurt you to be a bit more flexible sometimes, that's all.
I mean, it's like this bloke Milly's seeing at the moment.
Right, the one who works at the airfield.
You said you thought was getting really serious.
Well, that all went a bit pear-shaped in the end as it happened.
Which is why I never said anything.
He invited me down there, didn't he, one day.
Took his plane up in the air.
CLEO: At which point, fate suddenly threw temptation in your way.
And so then, of course, I started seeing this mate of his, who was really great, you know.
Except, our first night together, we're in his bedroom and it's all, you know, and suddenly he asks me what are my feelings about capital punishment.
You're joking.
What, where you stand on the issue ethically? Wow, that's a first.
I think she means corporal punishment.
Yeah, well, whatever.
Spanking basically, right.
Over the knee, bare bottom, all that caper.
To which at first, obviously, I was like, yuck, you know.
But I don't know, I just thought if you really care about someone and what gives them pleasure so I just closed my eyes and went for it.
God, you star.
-And did it hurt? -Well, that's the thing.
At first, not that much, but then gradually I could feel it really starting to sting.
And after about half an hour, my God! Oh, why do I know what you're going to say? Your hands just went completely numb, right? It really did.
I'm not joking.
I said, ''Look, do you mind if we stop now, Terry, '''cause you're not going to be able to sit down tomorrow at this rate.
'' And after that he was so turned on.
I tell you what, it made such a difference.
You see, Ali, this is all vital stress management you're missing out on.
That every woman needs on a regular basis, even when you're on your own.
If you know what I'm saying? In fact, I've got something here you could use.
I bought it for myself, but I think your need is greater.
-What is she going to bring out now? -No, I'm serious.
This'll be the perfect thing for you.
It's a candle.
You light that for about 1 0 minutes, Just let it fill the room.
It's very sensual and very erotic.
ALICE: Well, that was a complete waste of time.
I've made myself feel totally sick now.
You should never try and achieve ecstasy on top of Horlicks.
The trouble is I get a sexual fantasy in my head and then I can't hold on to it.
My brain keeps wandering off.
Like, I was just in the middle of this really exciting, intense, erotic act and then I started worrying if it was illegal in certain states of America.
And then for some reason or other, Ted Rogers appeared doing that thing with his fingers.
Then after that it was just hopeless.
My dad always said I had a butterfly mind.
If only I could learn to concentrate.
1 2.
:50.
I can't believe that dream I was just having.
It was so weird.
God, when do I ever wake up physically aroused? Never.
Maybe if I just empty out my mind and completely relax, I can get back there again.
Gil.
Irene.
-How did you get in here? -Through the front door.
I've got all your keys, the alarm system.
Look, I know this probably seems like a strange moment to call around for a chat, but.
-Are you serious? It's the middle of the night.
-I feel really bad, that's all.
I haven't been in touch, you know, since that night.
I think we both got a bit carried away, didn't we? Well, I know.
It was like a cheap 1 950s farce with underwear, and husbands and hiding in cupboards, but at least we kept our heads in the end and didn't actually do anything, so.
Anyway, top and bottom of it is I just want you to know this Bob and I decided to get back together again.
Well, that's fantastic.
Really great, Irene.
I'm thrilled to hear that.
Well, hopefully great, we'll see.
I just hate to think that that made you feel in any way.
-Rejected? -God, is that what you feel? -No.
No, of course not.
No way.
-'Cause, you know I'll always have a soft spot for you, Gil.
-It's just.
-What's happening here? -Is everything okay? -Bob? Of course it's okay.
It's fine.
-Will you stop worrying and go back to bed? -Wondered where the hell you'd gone.
For goodness sake.
Look, I'll tell you later.
Now, let's just leave him in peace.
-Okay.
Well, cheers then, Gil.
You take care.
-Yeah, yes.
See you around, Bob.
Oh, Roberta, my sweet darling.
God forgive me for what I'm about to do if it appears in anyway perverse or improper to you, but I really fear I can't help myself.
And at that moment, I swear he could've done anything.
Such was the passion that coursed through my veins as he gazed upon my body for the first time, unclothed and unfettered by the trappings of society.
I hope it will not shock you, Dora, when I say that he surrendered to his deepest most primal impulse and wrote a poem, slowly at first delicately selecting each precious word.
But as the inspiration took flight and his imagination soared, oh, what imagery! What rhythmic, pulsing metres.
What gushing, bounteous couplets flowed from his pen.
My dearest sister, I tell you now, he is the warmest, truest, most perfect gentleman I have ever met in all the world.
ALICE: I suppose Cleo's right.
I'm going to have to go to this thing tomorrow.
Brian's birthday bash, ''the big four'' and drag myself out of the comfort zone.
God, I hate parties.
-Hey, hello.
-Hi.
How are you? Now one with just the three cousins.
Darling, if you just wanna put yourself in the middle there.
And big smiles.
Lovely.
So, anyway, how's life treating you these days, Janice? -You're looking well.
-Yes, still muddling along.
Yeah.
And Malcolm? -He's.
? -Yeah, he's fine.
Yeah.
-Absolutely.
-Good.
ALICE: I was trying to remember, actually, the last time I saw Stephen and Phillipa.
I think it must have been Aunt Ena's funeral.
-I presume he's still working on the Advertiser? -I don't know.
-Deputy news editor there or something.
-Something like that, yeah.
Yeah, I think so.
Yeah.
And she still -does whatever she does in the City somewhere? -Yeah, I think so.
-Yeah, that's right.
-Right.
And I suppose.
How old would Julie be now? Fourteen, I suppose, she must be.
Fourteen, yeah, God.
It makes you think, doesn't it? -Yeah.
-Certainly does.
Oh, yes, how could I forget? I managed to get you some samples off the Givenchy counter.
-You didn't! You little angel.
-Ysatis.
Which I know you always wear, come rain or shine.
-Should keep you going for a while.
-God, fancy you remembering that? Ysatis.
Thank you, Alice.
Isn't that sweet of you? -I'd love a lager.
Thank you very much indeed.
-Great.
Excuse me a sec, will you.
Natalie! Now look what you've done, you messy little girl.
That's not nice, is it? On your Uncle Steve.
-It's fine.
-I'm so sorry.
STEPHEN: No idea she was going to put as much on.
Don't worry.
I'm sure it'll come off with some Vanish.
Oh, dear.
Yes.
Actually, Alice, you think we could have a quiet word somewhere? Only, er, I've got a bit of a problem.
IRENE: Hey.
BOB: Surprise.
Hi, how you guys doing? GIL: Getting a little exercise out there.
IRENE: Yeah.
Still trying to keep ourselves in trim.
Right, so I see.
-Working up a good old sweat.
-Yeah.
How about you? After last night, obviously, we can't stop thinking about your brother.
Right.
Sorry, my.
? I mean, how is he? Is there any more news on his condition? Sorry, Gil, would you excuse me? Mick.
Yeah, I've been trying to get hold of you all morning.
Yeah.
I told him your brother had been very badly injured in an accident in America.
That it was touch and go whether he'd pull through, and you were so upset about it all that I had to come around last night to see if everything was okay.
-And he believed that? -Absolutely.
What I said was he'd been taking part in a javelin contest, okay? And as he was running along he'd stumbled and dropped the javelin, which had stuck in the ground, and he'd fallen face first, right on to the point which had completely pierced the roof of his mouth, and ended up about half an inch away from his brain.
-So.
-God, that's horrible.
What on earth did you make up a story like that for? Well, I had to think quick.
It was the first thing that popped into my mind.
The first thing that popped into your mind? How about his car went off the road, or he fell down some stairs or.
What am I talking about anyway? I don't even have a brother.
-Well, you have now.
His name is Hiram.
-Hiram? Great.
What is he? An assistant librarian with little pince-nez glasses and a nervous twitch? God, I never realised you had such a fertile imagination.
Well, what was I supposed to say? That I came around to break the news to you our relationship was over? -He'd have gone potty.
-What relationship? -We never had a relationship.
-Okay, look, we got to make a move, sweetheart.
Mick says he can help shift my stuff back today if we get there by 3:00, so.
Oh, yeah, the other thing, Gil, and it's bit of an odd one.
My mother, you know she's in this nursing home now in Lower Ledbury, and maybe the old marbles are starting to go or what I don't know, I mean, she's 81 .
But all she kept saying when I was there yesterday is how much she wanted to see you.
Me? Are you joking? Why would she want to see me? I don't think I've ever even met the lady.
Well, I said I'd pass it on.
Anyway, look, we'll see you around, okay? And, you know, I really hope it works out for Hiram.
Right.
Thank you.
-What is it? You're not ill or anything? -No, it's nothing like that.
No.
Well, then listen, if you've got your health, I tell you, there is nothing else in life worth getting that upset about.
So, come on, you can share it with me.
What's the problem? Well, you see, the thing is I've got to go to prison.
-No, seriously.
-I'm being serious.
God, you think I'd make jokes about a thing like this? I'm out of my head with worry.
Look, we're none of us perfect, okay? And I won't bore you with all the financial irregularities.
I knew it was wrong what I was doing.
Just thought I'd get away with it.
My mistake.
They're coming down so hard now, the regulating bodies, on any kind of fraud.
Fraud, my God! Phillipa.
So, what are you saying? You're being taken to court? I've been to court.
I've been found guilty.
I go back tomorrow morning for sentencing.
My lawyer reckons twelve months.
Nine if I'm lucky.
I mean, I'll cope.
I've got to cope.
It's Stephen and Julie.
They've both taken it very badly.
I can imagine.
He'll be like a fish out of water without me around.
And she's just at that age where the hormones are all exploding and she's confused about boys.
I mean, she desperately needs a woman there with a wise head on her shoulders.
Who can steer her through the quagmire of sexual relations.
I'll bet.
Oh! Yes.
It's a lot to ask of you, Alice, I know.
But that's what families are for, right? Yeah, he's just walked in, Jeff, as a matter of fact.
Yes.
So, absolutely, I'll pass it on.
Okay, if you can just watch your shooting ratio, love.
Yeah, we'll see you then.
Cheers.
-How are things on location? -Very hot apparently.
He said it's like a furnace in that room.
'Cause they're right under the flight path they've got to keep all the windows closed and there's bugger all ventilation.
But they're all thrilled with the material.
He said the whole thing's got a real buzz to it.
It's gonna be really different to the rest of the series.
And John's put together a bit of cut material for you to have a look at.
I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
-What? -No, I've just been getting a lot of static electricity today.
Just after I'd polished the table, it was a combination, maybe, the friction and the weather.
Anyway, what happened to you? You get whiplash or something? You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
What? What? Tell me.
I went to an orgy.
Yeah, right.
-What did I say? I said you wouldn't believe me.
-An orgy? What are you talking about, Lloyd? Who the hell in this world goes to an orgy? Well, I did, as it happens, in the early 80s.
More times than I care to remember.
And some bright spark, who shall remain nameless, who works in the music business thought it would be really wild and retro to try and get us all back together again.
-Kind of like a fornicator's class reunion.
-With all that that entails.
I'd say that the average age of the participants was 46, 4 7.
God, it was sad.
A room full of naked, middle-aged people all doing stretching exercises before they got started.
Twenty years ago, we'd of been banging away to the Stranglers No More Heroes.
Last night we could barely keep up with Eric Satie.
The kind of thing to convince you you're getting old.
In those days, putting a joint out meant something quite different.
-Hey, that's very nearly a funny line.
-Thank you.
Just needs a little fine-tuning.
'Cause you know, I'm feeling a bit creaky myself today.
Did I have a weird night.
This Irene woman from next door turns up in my bedroom, can you believe? To tell me she's just got back with her husband.
I mean, what's that all about? You know, 'cause remember after that dinner party last week, she was all over me and.
I mean, I admit for my part, I was not above shamelessly mauling her body, but.
And what made it worse, when she came in I had just been having this really erotic dream about my dentist.
-As you do.
-Who I hasten to add is a woman, but I don't know what it was, you know? The fact that I'm lying there stretched out beneath her completely at her mercy as she's leaning over me.
Her breasts softly brushing against my shoulders.
And I'm there, you know, with my mouth gaping wide open as she's drilling into me and packing my gums, screwing in all these clamps.
God, you know, there's all this Freudian symbolism going on, I just woke up steaming.
I tell you, this could put a whole new spin on my next appointment.
Bye! You know, the biggest irony here that all that had been going on for two years and I had no idea.
All these clandestine accounts and funds she was squirreling away for our old age.
Not an inkling.
You know, I'm supposed to be a news editor.
Couldn't see a story that was right under my nose.
Yes, well.
I think that worktop's looking pretty spotless now, actually.
I know, I'm pathetic.
Look at me.
Pouring all my angst into a dishcloth.
Not a bit of it, Stephen, don't be silly.
I think it says a lot about a man who's prepared to clean.
It's a very rare and virtuous quality.
I mean I know it must seem as if your whole world has just collapsed right now, but.
God, Alice, if I ever get through this in one piece.
You'll get through it.
Of course you will.
Because people do.
Look do you know one of the most horrible things in life is the speed that time just flashes past us.
How quickly a moment becomes a memory.
But that can work the other way as well, you know, because you'll be amazed how soon she'll be back here.
The two of you, you know.
You'll have learned something from the experience.
It's always the way.
And you'll be around, won't you? To begin with, at least.
Of course I will.
Absolutely.
It's gonna seem so weird here without her.
And the house is gonna be so empty.
-The dishwasher's just.
-It's okay.
So how are you faring, Julie? You know you've got to try and be strong, for your dad's sake because he's a right wreck down there, I tell you.
What am I gonna do, Auntie Alice? I'm gonna have to kill myself.
I was already gonna have to kill myself before after I got dumped by this boy at school.
-Before all this happened.
-Oh, God.
So, now you've got to kill yourself twice.
Listen, a great girl like you, there'll be loads of other boyfriends.
Yeah, except I'll never get another one now, will I? -Why ever not? -Because I'm different to all the other girls.
I don't talk like them.
'Cause they're all like, ''Hey, I'm so cool,'' and ''That's so not true.
'' And ''She was like, 'Hey' and I was like, 'Chill'.
'' And ''fess up'' and ''don't diss me''.
I mean, why can't they speak properly, you know? I mean, Mum was always teaching me how important it was to express yourself clearly and intelligently if you want to get anywhere in life.
Of course, she's serving a jail sentence now for embezzlement, but.
I'm sorry I just can't say all those things which, of course, makes me totally weird.
I don't think you're weird.
I think the fact you're a bit different from them and want to think for yourself is wonderful.
Always remember, ''A cliché is the handrail of a crippled mind.
'' That's very good.
-Who said that? -A man named Spike Milligan.
Oh, yeah, I think Dad's got a load of his books.
'Cause that's another thing.
No one I know ever reads.
I know.
It's one of the best things there is.
To lose yourself in a good book.
In fact there's one I'm definitely going to lend you when I'm finished because I think you'd get a lot out of it.
Unspeakable.
Truly unspeakable.
It was just how I felt.
It makes one despair.
But you cannot possibly know what I was reading.
From your reaction, it can only have been that letter from some old colonel in Oxshott, or wherever it was, expressing support for America's adventures in the Philippines.
Which any sane person knows is an act of the purest imperialism and he concludes with the comment, ''War is heck but they must not weaken in their resolve.
'' Can you imagine the warped morality of any man alive who would use the words ''war is heck''? I just thank heaven he is not my husband.
Just as everyday I thank heaven that you and I are together and that life is as perfect as it can be.
What is it? What's wrong? No, no.
It's nothing at all.
As you say, as perfect as it can be.
Some more tea? GIL: What am I doing here? I'll probably find it was someone called Bill she wanted to see and she just didn't have her teeth in.
But listen, it's an hour of my time and maybe she just needs cheering up.
Er Mrs Andrews? Hi.
Probably don't remember me.
I live next door to Bob.
My name's Gil Raymond.
Just thought I'd pop by, see how you were.
Gil? Oh, Gil.
You picked up my spoon.
Excuse me? In the garden.
You picked up my spoon.
Erm.
Oh, so I did.
Oh, God, listen, what a day that was.
She never wanted me there in that house in the first place.
Oh, I'm sure that's not true.
You don't know her.
She's a nasty piece of work.
The way she used to treat me sometimes.
And the things she used to say.
And he was no better.
Wouldn't lift a finger for me unless he had to.
And then.
Then he started mucking about with prostitutes.
He was a pervert and she was a mean, spiteful bitch.
And I tell you now they deserved each other.
Oh, well, my gosh.
How about I pour you another cup of tea because.
What do you think? This one looks like it's getting a bitcold.
Darling.
Gil's been down at the nursing home with your mother.
Obviously, they're gonna call you, but I said.
You know, I felt I should be the one to.
I suppose we can't say we haven't been expecting it.
For some time now she'd been gradually winding down.
-And at least it was peaceful.
-Oh, no.
I just wish we could've been there.
So, what were her last words? Do you remember? Her last words were.
Actually, yes, I do.
She said the two of you deserved each other.
Ah.
Anyway, I'll just, you know.
I'm just really sorry.
So, what sort of fruit does he like on his cereal? Bananas? He's not keen.
I know what you mean.
There's always those long stringy bits down the side, aren't there, you can't bring yourself to eat.
Why is that? Oh, no.
God.
-What's happening? -It's those two guys from school.
Gary and Jamie.
Oh? They look nice.
Yeah, except watch how they completely ignore me because I'm about as interesting to them as a fly.
Bet they don't even say hello.
-Hey, Julie, you all right? -How's it going? I'm okay, thank you, ish.
How are you? Yeah, good.
Yeah.
So is that right, your mum's been sent to prison? Like, what was it? Charges of fraud and gross malfeasance.
-Sounds as if you know all about it.
-And so she's, like, banged up in there with all those slags and ratbags, like in Bad Girls? -It's not quite like that actually in real life.
-I know, but.
Well, she's a pretty major criminal though, yeah? -She have to wear one of those uniforms? -Yeah, with all the arrows all over it.
Yeah! So, what are you doing this afternoon 'cause we're just hanging out? Yeah, I mean, do you fancy coffee? Yeah, of course.
No, of course I want you to.
It's just I can't make tomorrow or Saturday.
That's all.
How about Sunday? No.
No, that would be perfect.
Oh, my gosh, you'll never guess.
There's no question it's been the making of her, this whole business with her mother.
Seems to have turned her into a major celebrity overnight.
I know.
She's got five dates so far on the strength of it to my certain knowledge.
Kids, I don't know.
Another world.
Gosh, what's this? You're really spoiling me.
Three days running.
Well, you know.
It gives me a chance to try some things I'd never bother with just for myself.
So tuck in.
I know, but it's time I got my act together.
I don't want you coming round here every night, do I? Whatever.
So, how's life in the newsroom? Oh, I don't know, Alice.
I think you get too close to it all sometimes.
You know, we had this op-ed piece today a guy had written about the threat being posed to world peace by the militant Christian right.
And this is a retired bishop, I have to say.
And a veteran CND campaigner, you know, the still small voice of calm.
It was 2,000 words and the editor spiked it 'cause he didn't want to offend the majority of our readers who probably do believe, and I'm quoting, ''The West has a God-given franchise ''to impose its creed upon every nation.
'' I know.
-War is heck.
-Sorry? I'm quoting.
People who can't say the word ''hell'' but have no problem creating it.
Now, this is delicious.
I sincerely hope that you'll be staying over again tonight.
Is that okay? Save you the trouble of driving me back.
Absolutely, and I can have another glass of wine.
Do you know what I was thinking about the other day? The first time we shared a bed together.
Oh, God.
Yeah.
Think I was five, you were six.
When you used to come over and stay for the weekend, then Dad would take us out to the Downs for a picnic.
Sit there smoking his pipe while the two of us went off to play together.
Yeah.
As you said, a moment becomes a memory.
Sorry about that.
This looks brilliant 'cause, I tell you, I'm absolutely famished.
Oh, I don't know, that isn't bordering on incest, is it, Ali? -I mean, your own cousin.
-Oh, probably.
So, what? It will never come to anything.
It's just.
I don't know, this last week or so, I can't remember ever feeling so comfortable with someone.
I suppose because there are no hang-ups there for either of us.
We're not worrying about where it's going or trying to judge each other on any level, we're just.
Anyway, there's no way it could ever develop into anything, obviously, because, for a start, he's a happily married man.
What are you talking about? You can't possibly have met someone else.
-You're in prison.
-Stephen, do we have to have a scene? You always have to do this.
You have to overreact and start fulminating in front of everyone.
What do you expect me to do? Hand out cigars? God, Phillipa.
We've been married 1 7 years.
What are you telling me? You're in here eight days, you've had some kind of epiphany? What the hell is that supposed to mean? -I think he means.
-I know what he means.
The answer's no.
It's a man, okay.
His name's Derek.
He works in the library.
He's been so kind and helpful to me with my reading and opening my mind to all sorts of new possibilities.
We both know it, Stephen, I failed.
As a wife, as a mother.
And, right now, I just badly need a change of direction in my life.
The truth of it is, so do you.
For God's sake, you deserve better than me, you deserve.
I'm sorry.
Look, perhaps it's best if we just.
Sorry, Gil.
-Have you got a minute? -Hi.
Actually, you know, I was just off to location.
Is it important? My mother has left all her money to you.
-You're saying she changed her will? -Two weeks before she died.
Had it all properly redrafted and witnessed at the home.
Without saying a word to you guys? I'm sorry, I'm very confused here.
As are we all, Gil.
That my mother-in-law in what has been legally confirmed as a ''sound state of mind'' -should bequeath her entire estate.
-We're talking about GBP1 7,000.
''To Mr Gil Raymond, of 1 5 Carpenters Lane, Larch End, ''for picking up my spoon.
'' God, that's.
Look, much as I appreciate, you know, her very generous gesture, this is all a bit embarrassing.
I mean, obviously, there's no way I could accept, or dream of keeping this money, so.
Well, you know, of course that's exactly what we thought you'd say.
Didn't I say we can absolutely trust Gil to do the right thing whatever happens? Oh, God.
No, no, you can put your minds at rest on that one.
I mean, please.
Have faith in our love for each other? But how can I rest when I know in my heart something troubles you? Jack, there is no burden in the world you should bear alone.
Tell me.
Just over a week ago, it all became clear to me.
Call it sixth sense, call it intuition, or some strange metaphysic but suddenly I realised that perfect as our lives appear to be, the pair of us together there is one wretched, brutal fact that will forever stand in the way of our true happiness.
My darling we don't exist.
The two of us, you and I, are merely characters in a work of fiction.
Everything about us, our minds, our bodies, everything we do and say, the product of a writer's imagination.
And our world of consummate bliss is no more than a hopeless romantic idyll that in real life, I fear could never be.
My God, say it isn't so! MAN: Sorry, Jeff, we've got another one.
We're gonna have to stop it.
Oh, my God.
It's so hot! Thank you, Virgin Atlantic.
I'm bloody melting here today.
Great tag.
I love that.
The way you subvert the whole reality to question your whole premise.
Martin, are you well? How was New Zealand? Very wet, I hear.
I mean echoes of NF Simpson and all that.
Jeffrey, sorry, mate, we've got to be on those reverses by 4:00 or the excrement's in the air conditioning.
Didn't they do well? You must be pleased.
Well, yeah, it's like a whole extra dimension to what I wrote which really rounds it all out.
Yeah.
So, anyway.
What do you think about this thing with my neighbours? I mean, don't you think that it's all totally bizarre? Yeah, it is bizarre.
But, I suppose, rather touching that when it came down to it, at the end of her life, she didn't have any time for her own son or the woman he married.
The only thing that really meant anything to her was you picking up that spoon.
Oh, God.
Just got a real shiver down the back of the neck when you said that.
You're right, like a real Rosebud moment.
Guess I'm gonna have to go away and give it some careful thought.
I don't think I will.
-I'm seeing Amanda tonight, my dentist.
-You're kidding? No, you don't want a cavity full of crumbs.
Once her tongue goes in, no way.
We're meeting up for a drink, that's all it is.
Maybe a bite to eat afterwards.
Hey, how you doing? We were just saying, weren't we, it's all looking really great.
Really, thanks.
What about the breakfast scene, ''War is heck'', all that stuff? -Right on the money, we thought, didn't we? -Yeah? Most people aren't even going to get it probably but.
No, you know, I actually heard a woman say that on Newsnight during the last US election.
You know, this awful woman from the State Department who was banging on about the case for Iraq.
And it was so quick, it was like, you know, how you kind of just freeze, like, ''Did she really say that or did I imagine it?'' I mean, I think I'm probably the only person in the country who picked up on it.
So, what do you think? She's actually serious about this man.
Talk about shock.
I do feel for you.
But, the thing is, you have to somehow find a way out of it and let go of all that torment and analysis.
I know I sound like one of those West Coast self-help books.
But that's because there's one I've just been reading The Power of Now, if you really start to listen to what he's saying, that you've got to try and focus on the present, because that's actually all we've got, and spiritually try and lose all that mental baggage.
Any poppadoms, sir? Madam, for you? Would you like plain or spicy? Plain, thank you.
-And spicy for me, please.
-Spicy, for sir.
Thank you.
I know, it's interesting you said all that because once I went away and started thinking about everything.
How can I put this? The awful thing, or the good thing, depending how you look at it, is that I actually found that I wasn't as shocked or upset as I suppose I should have been.
-Oh, really? -Which sort of suggests.
Anything to drink at all? Small cocktail or aperitif? Or, would you like to see our wine list here? -Just a glass of white wine, thank you.
-And a pint of lager for me, please.
-Lager.
-Thank you.
You see, there's something that I'm not sure if you're aware of this, Alice, but when my mother conceived me it was actually about 1 2 months before she met my dad.
And so, you know, strictly speaking I'm not related, by blood, to your side of the family at all.
I didn't know that.
What I'm trying to say sometimes, you know, late in the day.
Can I tell you about some of the specials we have today? Right.
Yes, thank you.
Maybe this will keep till we get home.
First we have the prawn jalfrezi, very nice, with a niramish curry and Punjabi.
And the bedroom, which is.
Yes, I see what you mean about the post.
Wouldn't want to forget that's there in the middle of the night.
No.
And this must be the south-facing window you were talking about.
Looks out on the river.
I bet that's.
Yeah, great when the sun comes up in the morning.
You warm enough? I can turn the radiator up a bit.
You know, I think I still got a bit of that tuna lodged in here.
In that gap next to the upper premolar.
But, no, that was a great restaurant, wasn't it? Very nice ambience.
So, what are you going to do, do you think, about that old woman's money? Well, I don't know, 'cause, you know, she quite obviously didn't want it to go to them, so.
Maybe I should give it to charity or something.
I mean, in deference to her wishes because.
I don't know.
What do you think I should do? I think that you should come and sit down.
So, what will she do? Go straight to school tomorrow from her friend's house? Yeah.
Her dad will give them both a lift in I imagine.
Now, I've actually got some herbal tea here, if you prefer.
-Lemon and ginger? -Actually, yes, I will.
Thanks.
And that was all very lovely tonight.
Thank you, very much.
It's no problem.
This morning's teacup.
You must be feeling better.
And a whole basket of laundry still waiting to go in.
-You'll be running out of sheets.
-Do you mind? Thanks.
Yeah.
And I know that Julie's really appreciated you being around these last couple of weeks.
-I think there's quite a lot of you in her, actually.
-Oh, dear.
The poor girl.
No, it's.
What I was trying to say earlier on that now I feel, I suppose, released in a way.
From Phillipa.
It's.
This is gonna sound so callous, calculated, it's not meant to be.
I know.
It's very hard sometimes.
You know, when you just wake up one day and suddenly find you have feelings for someone you never even knew were there.
You don't plan it or legislate for it, it's just.
-Oh, God.
-Do you know what I mean? I think I do.
You do, don't you, Alice? Because I always thought there was a kind of almost telepathy between the two of us.
-Like a sixth sense.
-Or maybe just a boring old fifth sense.
-Sorry? -We're talking about Janice, aren't we? When did all this start? When she was wiping the chocolate off your shirt or.
? I know, it's a complete nightmare.
What with the kids and Malcolm and everything.
That's all been falling apart, apparently for sometime, so at some point or other they're gonna have to sit down and have a very serious talk.
And in the meantime, the two of you have just been.
What? -Around here in the afternoons while he's at work? -You make it sound so sordid.
I suppose it is.
Anyway.
Nice to know the Ysatis was a hit.
Perhaps, I'll pass on that cup of tea.
Huh.
-What? -No, it's just.
1 00% nylon, that's.
You really haven't had much luck with women, have you? -Just lately.
-And this would be an iron bedstead, then.
You've obviously been meeting all the wrong people.
Only I'm thinking that too much friction for me at the moment might be a slight problem.
Hey, look.
Relax.
I'm not gay or narcoleptic, or Catholic or covered in tattoos.
I'm just your ordinary, everyday dental surgeon who happens to think you're very special.
I bet you say that to all the guys.
Actually, Gil you're the first man I've ever made love to.
So, let's both pray I get it right.
GIL: Well, in the immortal words, ''Here's another nice mess I've gotten myself into.
'' All her adult life she's been saving herself for that moment? It's like what's she saying? I'm the man of her dreams? I'm not the man of anyone's dreams.
I'm the stuff of nightmares.
'Cause, you know, to look at her, you'd think she was so progressive and contemporary and experienced.
And now, she's never had sex before.
She probably expects sparks to come flying out of her fingers every time we do it.
But then, she's a lovely person, she's warm, intelligent and highly skilled.
You should be flattered she wants to be with you.
And maybe it'll all work out and she'll turn out to be the love of your life, just the way you wrote it in the show.
That whole idea you got from Irene that day about the one human being on earth who's really right for you.
Oh, God, Bob and Irene.
That's another whole can of worms I've got to open sooner or later.
Sorry, Gil, just run that past me again.
The World Wildlife Fund.
-Yeah, I just thought, you know, it would be.
-That's like pandas, rhinoceroses and tigers? 'Cause I think you said once she always loved cats.
-GBP1 7,000.
-I mean, it's never enough, obviously.
And they do so much great work 'cause you've got these performing bears, in Russia, and they rescue them, you know, and make sure they get a decent quality of life.
So, if anyone deserves your mother's money.
The thing is, you've just got to try and snap out of it, Ali.
It's not rocket salad.
I've told you before.
I mean, you read all this stuff about how you're supposed to deal with all your problems.
I know.
It's all very well in theory.
I just wish I didn't get sucked in like that.
For one moment, you know, the defences are all down.
You think it's all going to have this nice happy ending, well, from my point of view anyway, and then.
Life just kicks you in the teethevery time.
From what you would saying, this other cousin of yours, what's her name, Janice? Sounds like a right drip.
I suppose that was a sure sign when you think of it.
The clashing clothes of two people who really didn't get on.
The worst of it all, he's got no idea obviously, about her and Stephen.
And now tonight we're all going off to see this play together at the Lyric.
With me just there basically to make the number up.
Still wondering whether to give it a miss.
That's supposed to be really funny from what I've heard.
No, you should definitely go.
Get a few drinks down you.
At least have a good chuckle.
The Daily Mail calls it ''a real, riotous rib-tickler''.
Well, there you are, then.
I suppose so, but I don't know.
Whenever I go to the theatre to see a comedy, I seem to be the only one there who's not laughing.
She'll be here any second.
MAN: Oh, for God's sake, give it here.
And what chance was there? Among the random, drifting moats of all creation that our paths could ever hope to cross until that hellish Hogmanay at Richard McCauley's.
WOMAN: Where I swear I was truly contemplating the efficacy of self-impalement as a means of escape.
Forgive me.
-Jack Coulson.
-Roberta Samms.
God, I'm sorry.
I must be the only man in Christendom who cannot see the pleasure in barking and whooping like a rooster while capering about the room among a colony of simpletons.
Also, the choice inanities that seem to charm a lady on these occasions are beyond my wit, I'm afraid.
So you see before you a hopeless social misfit.
You have just articulated every sense of frustration and alienation in my soul.
I'm honoured to make your acquaintance.
Is it too fanciful to believe in this great puzzle called life we are each born to be one of a perfect pair? You see, I have never known anyone before who discards that strange stringy bit on a banana as I do.
-And the most remarkable thing of all.
-You don't need to say it.
-The telepathy between us.
-Don't you think it's truly astonishing? You see, dear Jack, I wonder if you can tell what I am thinking now.
Well, let me tell you what I'm thinking.
That this moment now is more precious than I can say.
The two of us here, the song of a curlew, the first budding leaves of spring, and yet, this time tomorrow it will all be just a memory.
Oh, yes.
How sad that we both should dwell on that.
I think I fear the passing of time more than anything.
But it teaches me at least to value the present.
And not to take for granted a single second the two of us are together.
CLEO: What is she like? You know she used to put love bites in her neck with a garlic press? As true as I'm sitting here.
Every night, so everyone thought she'd pulled.
Stacey told me that one.
Oh dear, who's coming over to stay next week, actually.
So that will be a riot.
'Cause did I tell you? She's got this thing right, my sister, where you can never tell if she's laughing or crying.
Both sound exactly the same.
Like, she'll be going.
And you'll go running into the room, ''What is it, Stace? What's the matter?'' She'll be sitting there watching The Simpsons.
Or else, then she'll ring you up, she's going, ''I think I'm pregnant.
'' -Sorry, are we getting on your nerves? -Mmm.
Hm? Gotta be a good book that, Ali.
You can't seem to put it down.
Yes, it is.
Ermno, I was just thinking about this party I'm supposed to be going to tomorrow.
What I'm going to wear, what everyone else will be wearing, whether I'll end up looking like a transvestite again.
-Don't know.
Did you tell us about this? -Didn't I? Yeah, my dopey cousin Janice in Hove, who can barely string a sentence together at the best of times, rang me up the other day.
I'm sure you met her once, she came in the store with her husband.
They're one of these couples, whatever they've got on, they always clash.
He'll be in this shirt or something that's lime green and she'll be in turquoise.
The whole principle of tonal harmony is lost on them.
And she said I've got to come to Brian's birthday bash 'cause this year it's the ''big four''.
She's not having any excuses.
Actually, I wonder if I'm getting tonsillitis.
Ali, will you get your arse out of the comfort zone for once and just make the effort? You see, this is why you never meet anyone.
And, I mean, it's not as if you're not good-looking.
Yeah, you've got loads of great qualities that would be really attractive to a man.
You know.
Well, you seem to have backed yourselves into a corner on that one, don't you? -Thank you very much.
-No, it's just.
I don't know.
It wouldn't hurt you to be a bit more flexible sometimes, that's all.
I mean, it's like this bloke Milly's seeing at the moment.
Right, the one who works at the airfield.
You said you thought was getting really serious.
Well, that all went a bit pear-shaped in the end as it happened.
Which is why I never said anything.
He invited me down there, didn't he, one day.
Took his plane up in the air.
CLEO: At which point, fate suddenly threw temptation in your way.
And so then, of course, I started seeing this mate of his, who was really great, you know.
Except, our first night together, we're in his bedroom and it's all, you know, and suddenly he asks me what are my feelings about capital punishment.
You're joking.
What, where you stand on the issue ethically? Wow, that's a first.
I think she means corporal punishment.
Yeah, well, whatever.
Spanking basically, right.
Over the knee, bare bottom, all that caper.
To which at first, obviously, I was like, yuck, you know.
But I don't know, I just thought if you really care about someone and what gives them pleasure so I just closed my eyes and went for it.
God, you star.
-And did it hurt? -Well, that's the thing.
At first, not that much, but then gradually I could feel it really starting to sting.
And after about half an hour, my God! Oh, why do I know what you're going to say? Your hands just went completely numb, right? It really did.
I'm not joking.
I said, ''Look, do you mind if we stop now, Terry, '''cause you're not going to be able to sit down tomorrow at this rate.
'' And after that he was so turned on.
I tell you what, it made such a difference.
You see, Ali, this is all vital stress management you're missing out on.
That every woman needs on a regular basis, even when you're on your own.
If you know what I'm saying? In fact, I've got something here you could use.
I bought it for myself, but I think your need is greater.
-What is she going to bring out now? -No, I'm serious.
This'll be the perfect thing for you.
It's a candle.
You light that for about 1 0 minutes, Just let it fill the room.
It's very sensual and very erotic.
ALICE: Well, that was a complete waste of time.
I've made myself feel totally sick now.
You should never try and achieve ecstasy on top of Horlicks.
The trouble is I get a sexual fantasy in my head and then I can't hold on to it.
My brain keeps wandering off.
Like, I was just in the middle of this really exciting, intense, erotic act and then I started worrying if it was illegal in certain states of America.
And then for some reason or other, Ted Rogers appeared doing that thing with his fingers.
Then after that it was just hopeless.
My dad always said I had a butterfly mind.
If only I could learn to concentrate.
1 2.
:50.
I can't believe that dream I was just having.
It was so weird.
God, when do I ever wake up physically aroused? Never.
Maybe if I just empty out my mind and completely relax, I can get back there again.
Gil.
Irene.
-How did you get in here? -Through the front door.
I've got all your keys, the alarm system.
Look, I know this probably seems like a strange moment to call around for a chat, but.
-Are you serious? It's the middle of the night.
-I feel really bad, that's all.
I haven't been in touch, you know, since that night.
I think we both got a bit carried away, didn't we? Well, I know.
It was like a cheap 1 950s farce with underwear, and husbands and hiding in cupboards, but at least we kept our heads in the end and didn't actually do anything, so.
Anyway, top and bottom of it is I just want you to know this Bob and I decided to get back together again.
Well, that's fantastic.
Really great, Irene.
I'm thrilled to hear that.
Well, hopefully great, we'll see.
I just hate to think that that made you feel in any way.
-Rejected? -God, is that what you feel? -No.
No, of course not.
No way.
-'Cause, you know I'll always have a soft spot for you, Gil.
-It's just.
-What's happening here? -Is everything okay? -Bob? Of course it's okay.
It's fine.
-Will you stop worrying and go back to bed? -Wondered where the hell you'd gone.
For goodness sake.
Look, I'll tell you later.
Now, let's just leave him in peace.
-Okay.
Well, cheers then, Gil.
You take care.
-Yeah, yes.
See you around, Bob.
Oh, Roberta, my sweet darling.
God forgive me for what I'm about to do if it appears in anyway perverse or improper to you, but I really fear I can't help myself.
And at that moment, I swear he could've done anything.
Such was the passion that coursed through my veins as he gazed upon my body for the first time, unclothed and unfettered by the trappings of society.
I hope it will not shock you, Dora, when I say that he surrendered to his deepest most primal impulse and wrote a poem, slowly at first delicately selecting each precious word.
But as the inspiration took flight and his imagination soared, oh, what imagery! What rhythmic, pulsing metres.
What gushing, bounteous couplets flowed from his pen.
My dearest sister, I tell you now, he is the warmest, truest, most perfect gentleman I have ever met in all the world.
ALICE: I suppose Cleo's right.
I'm going to have to go to this thing tomorrow.
Brian's birthday bash, ''the big four'' and drag myself out of the comfort zone.
God, I hate parties.
-Hey, hello.
-Hi.
How are you? Now one with just the three cousins.
Darling, if you just wanna put yourself in the middle there.
And big smiles.
Lovely.
So, anyway, how's life treating you these days, Janice? -You're looking well.
-Yes, still muddling along.
Yeah.
And Malcolm? -He's.
? -Yeah, he's fine.
Yeah.
-Absolutely.
-Good.
ALICE: I was trying to remember, actually, the last time I saw Stephen and Phillipa.
I think it must have been Aunt Ena's funeral.
-I presume he's still working on the Advertiser? -I don't know.
-Deputy news editor there or something.
-Something like that, yeah.
Yeah, I think so.
Yeah.
And she still -does whatever she does in the City somewhere? -Yeah, I think so.
-Yeah, that's right.
-Right.
And I suppose.
How old would Julie be now? Fourteen, I suppose, she must be.
Fourteen, yeah, God.
It makes you think, doesn't it? -Yeah.
-Certainly does.
Oh, yes, how could I forget? I managed to get you some samples off the Givenchy counter.
-You didn't! You little angel.
-Ysatis.
Which I know you always wear, come rain or shine.
-Should keep you going for a while.
-God, fancy you remembering that? Ysatis.
Thank you, Alice.
Isn't that sweet of you? -I'd love a lager.
Thank you very much indeed.
-Great.
Excuse me a sec, will you.
Natalie! Now look what you've done, you messy little girl.
That's not nice, is it? On your Uncle Steve.
-It's fine.
-I'm so sorry.
STEPHEN: No idea she was going to put as much on.
Don't worry.
I'm sure it'll come off with some Vanish.
Oh, dear.
Yes.
Actually, Alice, you think we could have a quiet word somewhere? Only, er, I've got a bit of a problem.
IRENE: Hey.
BOB: Surprise.
Hi, how you guys doing? GIL: Getting a little exercise out there.
IRENE: Yeah.
Still trying to keep ourselves in trim.
Right, so I see.
-Working up a good old sweat.
-Yeah.
How about you? After last night, obviously, we can't stop thinking about your brother.
Right.
Sorry, my.
? I mean, how is he? Is there any more news on his condition? Sorry, Gil, would you excuse me? Mick.
Yeah, I've been trying to get hold of you all morning.
Yeah.
I told him your brother had been very badly injured in an accident in America.
That it was touch and go whether he'd pull through, and you were so upset about it all that I had to come around last night to see if everything was okay.
-And he believed that? -Absolutely.
What I said was he'd been taking part in a javelin contest, okay? And as he was running along he'd stumbled and dropped the javelin, which had stuck in the ground, and he'd fallen face first, right on to the point which had completely pierced the roof of his mouth, and ended up about half an inch away from his brain.
-So.
-God, that's horrible.
What on earth did you make up a story like that for? Well, I had to think quick.
It was the first thing that popped into my mind.
The first thing that popped into your mind? How about his car went off the road, or he fell down some stairs or.
What am I talking about anyway? I don't even have a brother.
-Well, you have now.
His name is Hiram.
-Hiram? Great.
What is he? An assistant librarian with little pince-nez glasses and a nervous twitch? God, I never realised you had such a fertile imagination.
Well, what was I supposed to say? That I came around to break the news to you our relationship was over? -He'd have gone potty.
-What relationship? -We never had a relationship.
-Okay, look, we got to make a move, sweetheart.
Mick says he can help shift my stuff back today if we get there by 3:00, so.
Oh, yeah, the other thing, Gil, and it's bit of an odd one.
My mother, you know she's in this nursing home now in Lower Ledbury, and maybe the old marbles are starting to go or what I don't know, I mean, she's 81 .
But all she kept saying when I was there yesterday is how much she wanted to see you.
Me? Are you joking? Why would she want to see me? I don't think I've ever even met the lady.
Well, I said I'd pass it on.
Anyway, look, we'll see you around, okay? And, you know, I really hope it works out for Hiram.
Right.
Thank you.
-What is it? You're not ill or anything? -No, it's nothing like that.
No.
Well, then listen, if you've got your health, I tell you, there is nothing else in life worth getting that upset about.
So, come on, you can share it with me.
What's the problem? Well, you see, the thing is I've got to go to prison.
-No, seriously.
-I'm being serious.
God, you think I'd make jokes about a thing like this? I'm out of my head with worry.
Look, we're none of us perfect, okay? And I won't bore you with all the financial irregularities.
I knew it was wrong what I was doing.
Just thought I'd get away with it.
My mistake.
They're coming down so hard now, the regulating bodies, on any kind of fraud.
Fraud, my God! Phillipa.
So, what are you saying? You're being taken to court? I've been to court.
I've been found guilty.
I go back tomorrow morning for sentencing.
My lawyer reckons twelve months.
Nine if I'm lucky.
I mean, I'll cope.
I've got to cope.
It's Stephen and Julie.
They've both taken it very badly.
I can imagine.
He'll be like a fish out of water without me around.
And she's just at that age where the hormones are all exploding and she's confused about boys.
I mean, she desperately needs a woman there with a wise head on her shoulders.
Who can steer her through the quagmire of sexual relations.
I'll bet.
Oh! Yes.
It's a lot to ask of you, Alice, I know.
But that's what families are for, right? Yeah, he's just walked in, Jeff, as a matter of fact.
Yes.
So, absolutely, I'll pass it on.
Okay, if you can just watch your shooting ratio, love.
Yeah, we'll see you then.
Cheers.
-How are things on location? -Very hot apparently.
He said it's like a furnace in that room.
'Cause they're right under the flight path they've got to keep all the windows closed and there's bugger all ventilation.
But they're all thrilled with the material.
He said the whole thing's got a real buzz to it.
It's gonna be really different to the rest of the series.
And John's put together a bit of cut material for you to have a look at.
I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
-What? -No, I've just been getting a lot of static electricity today.
Just after I'd polished the table, it was a combination, maybe, the friction and the weather.
Anyway, what happened to you? You get whiplash or something? You wouldn't believe me if I told you.
What? What? Tell me.
I went to an orgy.
Yeah, right.
-What did I say? I said you wouldn't believe me.
-An orgy? What are you talking about, Lloyd? Who the hell in this world goes to an orgy? Well, I did, as it happens, in the early 80s.
More times than I care to remember.
And some bright spark, who shall remain nameless, who works in the music business thought it would be really wild and retro to try and get us all back together again.
-Kind of like a fornicator's class reunion.
-With all that that entails.
I'd say that the average age of the participants was 46, 4 7.
God, it was sad.
A room full of naked, middle-aged people all doing stretching exercises before they got started.
Twenty years ago, we'd of been banging away to the Stranglers No More Heroes.
Last night we could barely keep up with Eric Satie.
The kind of thing to convince you you're getting old.
In those days, putting a joint out meant something quite different.
-Hey, that's very nearly a funny line.
-Thank you.
Just needs a little fine-tuning.
'Cause you know, I'm feeling a bit creaky myself today.
Did I have a weird night.
This Irene woman from next door turns up in my bedroom, can you believe? To tell me she's just got back with her husband.
I mean, what's that all about? You know, 'cause remember after that dinner party last week, she was all over me and.
I mean, I admit for my part, I was not above shamelessly mauling her body, but.
And what made it worse, when she came in I had just been having this really erotic dream about my dentist.
-As you do.
-Who I hasten to add is a woman, but I don't know what it was, you know? The fact that I'm lying there stretched out beneath her completely at her mercy as she's leaning over me.
Her breasts softly brushing against my shoulders.
And I'm there, you know, with my mouth gaping wide open as she's drilling into me and packing my gums, screwing in all these clamps.
God, you know, there's all this Freudian symbolism going on, I just woke up steaming.
I tell you, this could put a whole new spin on my next appointment.
Bye! You know, the biggest irony here that all that had been going on for two years and I had no idea.
All these clandestine accounts and funds she was squirreling away for our old age.
Not an inkling.
You know, I'm supposed to be a news editor.
Couldn't see a story that was right under my nose.
Yes, well.
I think that worktop's looking pretty spotless now, actually.
I know, I'm pathetic.
Look at me.
Pouring all my angst into a dishcloth.
Not a bit of it, Stephen, don't be silly.
I think it says a lot about a man who's prepared to clean.
It's a very rare and virtuous quality.
I mean I know it must seem as if your whole world has just collapsed right now, but.
God, Alice, if I ever get through this in one piece.
You'll get through it.
Of course you will.
Because people do.
Look do you know one of the most horrible things in life is the speed that time just flashes past us.
How quickly a moment becomes a memory.
But that can work the other way as well, you know, because you'll be amazed how soon she'll be back here.
The two of you, you know.
You'll have learned something from the experience.
It's always the way.
And you'll be around, won't you? To begin with, at least.
Of course I will.
Absolutely.
It's gonna seem so weird here without her.
And the house is gonna be so empty.
-The dishwasher's just.
-It's okay.
So how are you faring, Julie? You know you've got to try and be strong, for your dad's sake because he's a right wreck down there, I tell you.
What am I gonna do, Auntie Alice? I'm gonna have to kill myself.
I was already gonna have to kill myself before after I got dumped by this boy at school.
-Before all this happened.
-Oh, God.
So, now you've got to kill yourself twice.
Listen, a great girl like you, there'll be loads of other boyfriends.
Yeah, except I'll never get another one now, will I? -Why ever not? -Because I'm different to all the other girls.
I don't talk like them.
'Cause they're all like, ''Hey, I'm so cool,'' and ''That's so not true.
'' And ''She was like, 'Hey' and I was like, 'Chill'.
'' And ''fess up'' and ''don't diss me''.
I mean, why can't they speak properly, you know? I mean, Mum was always teaching me how important it was to express yourself clearly and intelligently if you want to get anywhere in life.
Of course, she's serving a jail sentence now for embezzlement, but.
I'm sorry I just can't say all those things which, of course, makes me totally weird.
I don't think you're weird.
I think the fact you're a bit different from them and want to think for yourself is wonderful.
Always remember, ''A cliché is the handrail of a crippled mind.
'' That's very good.
-Who said that? -A man named Spike Milligan.
Oh, yeah, I think Dad's got a load of his books.
'Cause that's another thing.
No one I know ever reads.
I know.
It's one of the best things there is.
To lose yourself in a good book.
In fact there's one I'm definitely going to lend you when I'm finished because I think you'd get a lot out of it.
Unspeakable.
Truly unspeakable.
It was just how I felt.
It makes one despair.
But you cannot possibly know what I was reading.
From your reaction, it can only have been that letter from some old colonel in Oxshott, or wherever it was, expressing support for America's adventures in the Philippines.
Which any sane person knows is an act of the purest imperialism and he concludes with the comment, ''War is heck but they must not weaken in their resolve.
'' Can you imagine the warped morality of any man alive who would use the words ''war is heck''? I just thank heaven he is not my husband.
Just as everyday I thank heaven that you and I are together and that life is as perfect as it can be.
What is it? What's wrong? No, no.
It's nothing at all.
As you say, as perfect as it can be.
Some more tea? GIL: What am I doing here? I'll probably find it was someone called Bill she wanted to see and she just didn't have her teeth in.
But listen, it's an hour of my time and maybe she just needs cheering up.
Er Mrs Andrews? Hi.
Probably don't remember me.
I live next door to Bob.
My name's Gil Raymond.
Just thought I'd pop by, see how you were.
Gil? Oh, Gil.
You picked up my spoon.
Excuse me? In the garden.
You picked up my spoon.
Erm.
Oh, so I did.
Oh, God, listen, what a day that was.
She never wanted me there in that house in the first place.
Oh, I'm sure that's not true.
You don't know her.
She's a nasty piece of work.
The way she used to treat me sometimes.
And the things she used to say.
And he was no better.
Wouldn't lift a finger for me unless he had to.
And then.
Then he started mucking about with prostitutes.
He was a pervert and she was a mean, spiteful bitch.
And I tell you now they deserved each other.
Oh, well, my gosh.
How about I pour you another cup of tea because.
What do you think? This one looks like it's getting a bitcold.
Darling.
Gil's been down at the nursing home with your mother.
Obviously, they're gonna call you, but I said.
You know, I felt I should be the one to.
I suppose we can't say we haven't been expecting it.
For some time now she'd been gradually winding down.
-And at least it was peaceful.
-Oh, no.
I just wish we could've been there.
So, what were her last words? Do you remember? Her last words were.
Actually, yes, I do.
She said the two of you deserved each other.
Ah.
Anyway, I'll just, you know.
I'm just really sorry.
So, what sort of fruit does he like on his cereal? Bananas? He's not keen.
I know what you mean.
There's always those long stringy bits down the side, aren't there, you can't bring yourself to eat.
Why is that? Oh, no.
God.
-What's happening? -It's those two guys from school.
Gary and Jamie.
Oh? They look nice.
Yeah, except watch how they completely ignore me because I'm about as interesting to them as a fly.
Bet they don't even say hello.
-Hey, Julie, you all right? -How's it going? I'm okay, thank you, ish.
How are you? Yeah, good.
Yeah.
So is that right, your mum's been sent to prison? Like, what was it? Charges of fraud and gross malfeasance.
-Sounds as if you know all about it.
-And so she's, like, banged up in there with all those slags and ratbags, like in Bad Girls? -It's not quite like that actually in real life.
-I know, but.
Well, she's a pretty major criminal though, yeah? -She have to wear one of those uniforms? -Yeah, with all the arrows all over it.
Yeah! So, what are you doing this afternoon 'cause we're just hanging out? Yeah, I mean, do you fancy coffee? Yeah, of course.
No, of course I want you to.
It's just I can't make tomorrow or Saturday.
That's all.
How about Sunday? No.
No, that would be perfect.
Oh, my gosh, you'll never guess.
There's no question it's been the making of her, this whole business with her mother.
Seems to have turned her into a major celebrity overnight.
I know.
She's got five dates so far on the strength of it to my certain knowledge.
Kids, I don't know.
Another world.
Gosh, what's this? You're really spoiling me.
Three days running.
Well, you know.
It gives me a chance to try some things I'd never bother with just for myself.
So tuck in.
I know, but it's time I got my act together.
I don't want you coming round here every night, do I? Whatever.
So, how's life in the newsroom? Oh, I don't know, Alice.
I think you get too close to it all sometimes.
You know, we had this op-ed piece today a guy had written about the threat being posed to world peace by the militant Christian right.
And this is a retired bishop, I have to say.
And a veteran CND campaigner, you know, the still small voice of calm.
It was 2,000 words and the editor spiked it 'cause he didn't want to offend the majority of our readers who probably do believe, and I'm quoting, ''The West has a God-given franchise ''to impose its creed upon every nation.
'' I know.
-War is heck.
-Sorry? I'm quoting.
People who can't say the word ''hell'' but have no problem creating it.
Now, this is delicious.
I sincerely hope that you'll be staying over again tonight.
Is that okay? Save you the trouble of driving me back.
Absolutely, and I can have another glass of wine.
Do you know what I was thinking about the other day? The first time we shared a bed together.
Oh, God.
Yeah.
Think I was five, you were six.
When you used to come over and stay for the weekend, then Dad would take us out to the Downs for a picnic.
Sit there smoking his pipe while the two of us went off to play together.
Yeah.
As you said, a moment becomes a memory.
Sorry about that.
This looks brilliant 'cause, I tell you, I'm absolutely famished.
Oh, I don't know, that isn't bordering on incest, is it, Ali? -I mean, your own cousin.
-Oh, probably.
So, what? It will never come to anything.
It's just.
I don't know, this last week or so, I can't remember ever feeling so comfortable with someone.
I suppose because there are no hang-ups there for either of us.
We're not worrying about where it's going or trying to judge each other on any level, we're just.
Anyway, there's no way it could ever develop into anything, obviously, because, for a start, he's a happily married man.
What are you talking about? You can't possibly have met someone else.
-You're in prison.
-Stephen, do we have to have a scene? You always have to do this.
You have to overreact and start fulminating in front of everyone.
What do you expect me to do? Hand out cigars? God, Phillipa.
We've been married 1 7 years.
What are you telling me? You're in here eight days, you've had some kind of epiphany? What the hell is that supposed to mean? -I think he means.
-I know what he means.
The answer's no.
It's a man, okay.
His name's Derek.
He works in the library.
He's been so kind and helpful to me with my reading and opening my mind to all sorts of new possibilities.
We both know it, Stephen, I failed.
As a wife, as a mother.
And, right now, I just badly need a change of direction in my life.
The truth of it is, so do you.
For God's sake, you deserve better than me, you deserve.
I'm sorry.
Look, perhaps it's best if we just.
Sorry, Gil.
-Have you got a minute? -Hi.
Actually, you know, I was just off to location.
Is it important? My mother has left all her money to you.
-You're saying she changed her will? -Two weeks before she died.
Had it all properly redrafted and witnessed at the home.
Without saying a word to you guys? I'm sorry, I'm very confused here.
As are we all, Gil.
That my mother-in-law in what has been legally confirmed as a ''sound state of mind'' -should bequeath her entire estate.
-We're talking about GBP1 7,000.
''To Mr Gil Raymond, of 1 5 Carpenters Lane, Larch End, ''for picking up my spoon.
'' God, that's.
Look, much as I appreciate, you know, her very generous gesture, this is all a bit embarrassing.
I mean, obviously, there's no way I could accept, or dream of keeping this money, so.
Well, you know, of course that's exactly what we thought you'd say.
Didn't I say we can absolutely trust Gil to do the right thing whatever happens? Oh, God.
No, no, you can put your minds at rest on that one.
I mean, please.
Have faith in our love for each other? But how can I rest when I know in my heart something troubles you? Jack, there is no burden in the world you should bear alone.
Tell me.
Just over a week ago, it all became clear to me.
Call it sixth sense, call it intuition, or some strange metaphysic but suddenly I realised that perfect as our lives appear to be, the pair of us together there is one wretched, brutal fact that will forever stand in the way of our true happiness.
My darling we don't exist.
The two of us, you and I, are merely characters in a work of fiction.
Everything about us, our minds, our bodies, everything we do and say, the product of a writer's imagination.
And our world of consummate bliss is no more than a hopeless romantic idyll that in real life, I fear could never be.
My God, say it isn't so! MAN: Sorry, Jeff, we've got another one.
We're gonna have to stop it.
Oh, my God.
It's so hot! Thank you, Virgin Atlantic.
I'm bloody melting here today.
Great tag.
I love that.
The way you subvert the whole reality to question your whole premise.
Martin, are you well? How was New Zealand? Very wet, I hear.
I mean echoes of NF Simpson and all that.
Jeffrey, sorry, mate, we've got to be on those reverses by 4:00 or the excrement's in the air conditioning.
Didn't they do well? You must be pleased.
Well, yeah, it's like a whole extra dimension to what I wrote which really rounds it all out.
Yeah.
So, anyway.
What do you think about this thing with my neighbours? I mean, don't you think that it's all totally bizarre? Yeah, it is bizarre.
But, I suppose, rather touching that when it came down to it, at the end of her life, she didn't have any time for her own son or the woman he married.
The only thing that really meant anything to her was you picking up that spoon.
Oh, God.
Just got a real shiver down the back of the neck when you said that.
You're right, like a real Rosebud moment.
Guess I'm gonna have to go away and give it some careful thought.
I don't think I will.
-I'm seeing Amanda tonight, my dentist.
-You're kidding? No, you don't want a cavity full of crumbs.
Once her tongue goes in, no way.
We're meeting up for a drink, that's all it is.
Maybe a bite to eat afterwards.
Hey, how you doing? We were just saying, weren't we, it's all looking really great.
Really, thanks.
What about the breakfast scene, ''War is heck'', all that stuff? -Right on the money, we thought, didn't we? -Yeah? Most people aren't even going to get it probably but.
No, you know, I actually heard a woman say that on Newsnight during the last US election.
You know, this awful woman from the State Department who was banging on about the case for Iraq.
And it was so quick, it was like, you know, how you kind of just freeze, like, ''Did she really say that or did I imagine it?'' I mean, I think I'm probably the only person in the country who picked up on it.
So, what do you think? She's actually serious about this man.
Talk about shock.
I do feel for you.
But, the thing is, you have to somehow find a way out of it and let go of all that torment and analysis.
I know I sound like one of those West Coast self-help books.
But that's because there's one I've just been reading The Power of Now, if you really start to listen to what he's saying, that you've got to try and focus on the present, because that's actually all we've got, and spiritually try and lose all that mental baggage.
Any poppadoms, sir? Madam, for you? Would you like plain or spicy? Plain, thank you.
-And spicy for me, please.
-Spicy, for sir.
Thank you.
I know, it's interesting you said all that because once I went away and started thinking about everything.
How can I put this? The awful thing, or the good thing, depending how you look at it, is that I actually found that I wasn't as shocked or upset as I suppose I should have been.
-Oh, really? -Which sort of suggests.
Anything to drink at all? Small cocktail or aperitif? Or, would you like to see our wine list here? -Just a glass of white wine, thank you.
-And a pint of lager for me, please.
-Lager.
-Thank you.
You see, there's something that I'm not sure if you're aware of this, Alice, but when my mother conceived me it was actually about 1 2 months before she met my dad.
And so, you know, strictly speaking I'm not related, by blood, to your side of the family at all.
I didn't know that.
What I'm trying to say sometimes, you know, late in the day.
Can I tell you about some of the specials we have today? Right.
Yes, thank you.
Maybe this will keep till we get home.
First we have the prawn jalfrezi, very nice, with a niramish curry and Punjabi.
And the bedroom, which is.
Yes, I see what you mean about the post.
Wouldn't want to forget that's there in the middle of the night.
No.
And this must be the south-facing window you were talking about.
Looks out on the river.
I bet that's.
Yeah, great when the sun comes up in the morning.
You warm enough? I can turn the radiator up a bit.
You know, I think I still got a bit of that tuna lodged in here.
In that gap next to the upper premolar.
But, no, that was a great restaurant, wasn't it? Very nice ambience.
So, what are you going to do, do you think, about that old woman's money? Well, I don't know, 'cause, you know, she quite obviously didn't want it to go to them, so.
Maybe I should give it to charity or something.
I mean, in deference to her wishes because.
I don't know.
What do you think I should do? I think that you should come and sit down.
So, what will she do? Go straight to school tomorrow from her friend's house? Yeah.
Her dad will give them both a lift in I imagine.
Now, I've actually got some herbal tea here, if you prefer.
-Lemon and ginger? -Actually, yes, I will.
Thanks.
And that was all very lovely tonight.
Thank you, very much.
It's no problem.
This morning's teacup.
You must be feeling better.
And a whole basket of laundry still waiting to go in.
-You'll be running out of sheets.
-Do you mind? Thanks.
Yeah.
And I know that Julie's really appreciated you being around these last couple of weeks.
-I think there's quite a lot of you in her, actually.
-Oh, dear.
The poor girl.
No, it's.
What I was trying to say earlier on that now I feel, I suppose, released in a way.
From Phillipa.
It's.
This is gonna sound so callous, calculated, it's not meant to be.
I know.
It's very hard sometimes.
You know, when you just wake up one day and suddenly find you have feelings for someone you never even knew were there.
You don't plan it or legislate for it, it's just.
-Oh, God.
-Do you know what I mean? I think I do.
You do, don't you, Alice? Because I always thought there was a kind of almost telepathy between the two of us.
-Like a sixth sense.
-Or maybe just a boring old fifth sense.
-Sorry? -We're talking about Janice, aren't we? When did all this start? When she was wiping the chocolate off your shirt or.
? I know, it's a complete nightmare.
What with the kids and Malcolm and everything.
That's all been falling apart, apparently for sometime, so at some point or other they're gonna have to sit down and have a very serious talk.
And in the meantime, the two of you have just been.
What? -Around here in the afternoons while he's at work? -You make it sound so sordid.
I suppose it is.
Anyway.
Nice to know the Ysatis was a hit.
Perhaps, I'll pass on that cup of tea.
Huh.
-What? -No, it's just.
1 00% nylon, that's.
You really haven't had much luck with women, have you? -Just lately.
-And this would be an iron bedstead, then.
You've obviously been meeting all the wrong people.
Only I'm thinking that too much friction for me at the moment might be a slight problem.
Hey, look.
Relax.
I'm not gay or narcoleptic, or Catholic or covered in tattoos.
I'm just your ordinary, everyday dental surgeon who happens to think you're very special.
I bet you say that to all the guys.
Actually, Gil you're the first man I've ever made love to.
So, let's both pray I get it right.
GIL: Well, in the immortal words, ''Here's another nice mess I've gotten myself into.
'' All her adult life she's been saving herself for that moment? It's like what's she saying? I'm the man of her dreams? I'm not the man of anyone's dreams.
I'm the stuff of nightmares.
'Cause, you know, to look at her, you'd think she was so progressive and contemporary and experienced.
And now, she's never had sex before.
She probably expects sparks to come flying out of her fingers every time we do it.
But then, she's a lovely person, she's warm, intelligent and highly skilled.
You should be flattered she wants to be with you.
And maybe it'll all work out and she'll turn out to be the love of your life, just the way you wrote it in the show.
That whole idea you got from Irene that day about the one human being on earth who's really right for you.
Oh, God, Bob and Irene.
That's another whole can of worms I've got to open sooner or later.
Sorry, Gil, just run that past me again.
The World Wildlife Fund.
-Yeah, I just thought, you know, it would be.
-That's like pandas, rhinoceroses and tigers? 'Cause I think you said once she always loved cats.
-GBP1 7,000.
-I mean, it's never enough, obviously.
And they do so much great work 'cause you've got these performing bears, in Russia, and they rescue them, you know, and make sure they get a decent quality of life.
So, if anyone deserves your mother's money.
The thing is, you've just got to try and snap out of it, Ali.
It's not rocket salad.
I've told you before.
I mean, you read all this stuff about how you're supposed to deal with all your problems.
I know.
It's all very well in theory.
I just wish I didn't get sucked in like that.
For one moment, you know, the defences are all down.
You think it's all going to have this nice happy ending, well, from my point of view anyway, and then.
Life just kicks you in the teethevery time.
From what you would saying, this other cousin of yours, what's her name, Janice? Sounds like a right drip.
I suppose that was a sure sign when you think of it.
The clashing clothes of two people who really didn't get on.
The worst of it all, he's got no idea obviously, about her and Stephen.
And now tonight we're all going off to see this play together at the Lyric.
With me just there basically to make the number up.
Still wondering whether to give it a miss.
That's supposed to be really funny from what I've heard.
No, you should definitely go.
Get a few drinks down you.
At least have a good chuckle.
The Daily Mail calls it ''a real, riotous rib-tickler''.
Well, there you are, then.
I suppose so, but I don't know.
Whenever I go to the theatre to see a comedy, I seem to be the only one there who's not laughing.
She'll be here any second.
MAN: Oh, for God's sake, give it here.