Love, Victor (2020) s01e06 Episode Script

1
Simon, I have big news.
Mia and I are officially
in a relationship.
Butterflies in my chest ♪
Been a while since I had a guest ♪
Now you're feelin' on
me, feelin' feelin' on me ♪
She's basically my favorite
person to hang out with.
And my family loves her, too.
And I know what you're gonna ask
me, so I'll save you the trouble.
The physical stuff is actually awesome.
Mia's lips are mad soft,
and she wears this lip gloss
that tastes like blue raspberry,
which is my favorite flavor of Gatorade.
I really really like you ♪
Not here.
There's too many people. Don't
want to rub it in their faces.
Yeah, Simon. Everything's great. I
don't know what I was so scared of.
- Yeah ♪
- Waiting for the time ♪
Waiting for the place ♪
And I, I, I ♪
I, I need ♪
Somebody to tell
me it'll be all right ♪
Somebody to tell
me it'll be just fine ♪
If someone has been there
before, say it right now ♪
'Cause I just need to hear it ♪
The vagina.
Some of you have them.
Some of you have seen them,
and some of you have only heard stories.
You know, I have that same
poster in my bedroom.
Don't test me today, Andrew.
Okay? I'm intermittent fasting.
Uh, everybody, take a
worksheet. Fill out all the parts.
And, uh, don't ask me how to spell
Fallopian tube, because I don't know.
I guess you and Victor are probably
doing a lot of sex ed these days, right?
Could you grow up, Andrew?
Sorry.
Just be over here. Working on my vagina.
What was that?
What do you mean?
Okay, fine.
Uh, it's just that Victor
likes to take things slow.
- Hmm.
- Like, really, really slow.
- Wait, how far have you guys gone?
- We've kissed.
- With tongue?
- Of course.
Okay. Our tongues have
definitely grazed.
Hmm. Is he a virgin?
I don't know. Probably.
- But you're ready.
- I think so.
I definitely want to take things
to the next level. Or any level.
We've kind of been stuck on the ground.
- God, and I really like him.
- Mm.
Two virgins about to
make passionate love.
It's like a Shakespeare movie.
Okay, so the first thing
you need to do is just
send him a sexy message or two.
I'm just saying, sometimes you have to
show a guy that you're
open to their advances.
Par example
You posted that about yourself?
Yeah, but under my
pseudonym: "Jackie St. Boon".
Okay, isn't that a little desperate?
I'm just throwing some chum in the water
and waiting for the sharks to come.
Sorry, I just saw Jaws.
It's not as good at 47
Meters Down, but it's solid.
"Was I lovable once? Really?
"Was I ever lovable?
"I'm asking if you found me
"lovable at one stage?
"Well, I admit it is a teaser
and you've done more
than your bit already
- for the time being, so just"
- What on Earth?
I have no idea.
I think her husband was named Willy
or something and trapped her in a box.
No, not the monologue. Mia.
"Just to know that you are there"
"I miss your muscular legs".
Holy cow, she wants you bad.
Shh!
What should I write back?
I don't know. Nobody's
ever missed my legs before.
He thumbsed-up my text.
Wait. That's what you wrote?
Let Mama Lake take it from here.
- Lake, come on.
- Do not rush me. I am an artist.
There. Done. You're welcome.
Lake!
"But something tells me, do not"
Whoa!
Looks like somebody's gonna be
dancing the midnight macarena.
I don't think so. I think she
just invited me to her house
with a whole bunch of emojis?
Either she's gonna be making
you eggplant parmesan,
or you're getting lucky this Friday.
"And do not overdo the bag"
Latte art.
Remind you of anyone?
Steve Harvey?
It's Derek.
Oh! Yeah, I see it now.
Friday is our one year anniversary.
We're supposed to go see his
friend's band downtown, but
I want to do something romantic for him.
Where'd you go for your first date?
We got spaghetti and meatballs
at this corny Italian place.
The food was good,
but it ended up getting shut
down by the health department.
God, I love meatballs.
So ugly. So delicious.
Okay.
Maybe, I mean, this is a little cheesy,
but you could recreate your first date.
You could have your
own Italian restaurant,
but just you and Derek.
I could do it here after we close.
Light some candles, put on
some Italian accordion music.
Yeah.
Wow, Victor. Who knew
you were such a romantic?
Mia is a lucky lady.
Yeah. She's the luckiest.
Okay, why'd you just do your
uncomfortable scrunch face
when you said that?
Okay, I'm hanging out
with Mia on Friday.
You don't sound excited.
I think Mia wants to take
things to the next level,
and I'm you know.
Oh.
You're a virgin.
That's fine. You've just gotta relax.
If I can have sex with
girls, anybody can.
Wait, you But you're
Gay?
I know.
This was back when I
was figuring things out.
Turns out human sexuality
is less of a straight line,
and more of a Cirque du Soleil show.
Long, confusing,
and full of sexy clowns.
Yep.
Ooh, girl, you are serving me up
some sexy Professor McGonagall realness,
and I am here for it.
You mean I look like Maggie Smith?
Changing.
What? No! It's perfect!
You look all hot and witchy.
Hmm. Why does my room
smell like sunscreen?
Uh, that is a scented candle.
Feuille de Lavande by Diptyque.
Plus, I blasted your throw cushions
with body spray just for good measure.
Hmm.
You know, it's totally
okay to be nervous.
I mean, tonight's your first
time. That's a really big deal.
I mean, it is your first time, right?
Oh, my God. I am your best friend.
Why didn't you tell me?
You tell me everything.
Because it was a one-time thing,
and it was too soon,
and awkward, and a total mistake.
Hmm. Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't tell you.
It's fine. I get it.
But who was it?
Just some random other
counselor at camp.
Mm. Wow. Well, the most exciting thing
that happened to me at summer camp
was when I accidentally bumped
a beehive with my selfie stick.
But then they evacuated us to the
Marriott. Mm, thank you, bees.
Well, don't you look like a man
whose life's about to be forever changed
by the touch of a good woman.
Guess so.
What's that?
You've never played "Settlers of Catan"?
Oh, it's awesome. Me and my mom
throw down every Friday night.
- Sounds like fun.
- It is.
And not filled with a crippling
pressure to perform.
Hey. Good luck tonight, buddy.
- You're gonna do great.
- Thanks.
Hey, Felix. Uh, wait up.
Okay, relax. You look amazing.
And if Victor doesn't hook up with you,
I will.
Yeah, I really wish
you'd stop offering that.
Twist. And not the cool
M. Night Shyamalan kind.
Who's ready to take a journey
to the island of Catan?
Okay, but just, whatever
is it, make it quick,
'cause I don't want to
be late to the show.
Shh. Just stop talking, okay?
- Okay.
- All right. Keep your eyes closed.
Okay.
Giving me major serial
killer vibes right now.
Okay. You can open.
Welcome to "Trattoria di Benji".
Whoa.
And if you want to get a lot of points,
you need to make sure to
upgrade your settlements,
your cities, and your roads.
All right. So, next
Hey.
This is something a little unorthodox
I'm sorry about this.
I tried to shake him, but
he didn't get the hint.
You look nice.
So each type of terrain
produces a different resource.
So forests make lumber,
um, fields make grain, and of
course, mountains, they make
ore.
If I
Okay, this is the most
bored I have ever been.
And I'm including that time you
tricked me into listening to a podcast.
That would make it my
tenth victory point,
and crown me King of Catan.
Ah. All right.
Who's ready to start playing?
Wait, we haven't started?
What have we been doing
for the last 45 minutes?
A tutorial.
Okay. Uh, you guys start without me.
I'll come with.
Operation No Hanky-Panky
seems to be going pretty well,
- don't you say?
- Yeah.
Hey, look, Felix, I
appreciate you doing this,
but Mia's definitely pissed.
So? Let her be pissed.
All right? If you're not
ready, you're not ready.
Your body, your choice.
Yeah, I, I think I'm gonna
go and check on Mia.
All right. But don't take too long.
Don't know if I can trust myself
around all these wheat cards.
Okay.
So, do you like it?
Spaghetti and meatballs, like we
had on our first date. Remember?
Mm. Mm-hmm. It's great.
But shouldn't we head to the show soon?
The opener are these two blind sisters
who do bluegrass covers of TLC songs.
I mean, it's supposed to be awesome.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
Sounds really cool, but I thought
maybe we could skip the show tonight.
You know, since it's our first
anniversary and everything.
Anniversary?
What, are we straight people now?
Oh. Sorry.
I didn't mean, like
I just don't really know if
I believe in all that stuff.
What stuff? Anniversaries?
Stuff that society tells us to want
just 'cause straight people do.
Like, one of the best things
about being gay is that
we don't have to conform
to that hetero-normative,
rom-com bullshit that is
dreamt up by corporations
to help sell greeting cards to morons.
Well
guess I'm one of those morons.
Hey.
I didn't mean
- I'm sorry.
- I
I'm a dick, and these
meatballs are really great.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Sorry.
Hey, do you think it would be cool
if we caught the end of the show?
You know what? Yeah, you
go ahead. I'll meet you there.
I gotta clean up first.
Okay.
Hey. You're the best.
- Have a good time.
- Thank you.
Hey, Ty, I'm on my way.
Hey. Um where's Mia?
In her bedroom. Being furious.
She planned this whole special
night for the two of you.
And then you brought your weird
friend and screwed it all up.
I just don't get it.
Do you not like her?
Is there someone else?
Are you gay? What is it?
I do like her.
'Kay. Well then, start acting like it.
Because this crap that
you're pulling here tonight,
it's just cruel.
Oh, hey. I was about to
come back downstairs
Wanna watch Planet Earth with me?
Nope. I already ordered my Lyft.
Elang should be here in nine minutes.
You should probably go, too.
I don't think they'll be
down for quite some time.
What the hell?
- What? What happened? Is Elang okay?
- No. Look.
You, uh, you look amazing.
No, not the photo, idiot. The comments.
They called me a six. A six!
I am at least a low nine.
Well, you're a boy.
Tell me the truth.
Mm. What's my number?
N No. No way. I, I can't do that.
I
Okay, stop with the chivalry
and just give me a number,
and do not tell me I'm a 10,
because I totally won't believe you.
I
I think you deserve a guy who
who doesn't reduce you to a number.
Somebody like, um
Like him.
Approximately 1/16th the size
I deserve to date a nub?
Okay, so he's not Brad Pitt.
And technically he
doesn't have any eyes.
But angler fish are total romantics.
That fish only cares about
one thing in the entire world.
Her.
He spends most of his life
sniffing around the ocean
looking for his mate, and
when he finally finds her,
you know what he does?
Tells her a long, boring story?
He bites her,
and releases this enzyme in his saliva
that fuses them together like superglue.
Then he dies, and becomes
a part of her body,
and she swims away, never
thinking about him again, but
he doesn't mind.
Because he got what he always wanted.
To be with her. Forever.
That's what you deserve, Lake.
A guy who would sacrifice everything,
because he knows that the only thing
that matters in this entire world
is you.
You are so weird.
Um, do you wanna, um, sit down?
This hard wall is starting
to hurt my head.
Uh, yeah. Yeah, sure. Uh
I'm sorry. I just, I just need a minute.
Okay.
Hey. Sorry, I was just
Okay, what's going on with you?
Is it me? Am I not attractive
to you, or whatever?
No, no. Mia
Look, you're beautiful.
You're like, one of the
prettiest girls I've ever seen.
Then what is it?
What's wrong?
Truth is
I'm
not ready.
I don't know. Maybe out here,
sex isn't, like, a big deal, but
back where I'm from,
we're more old-fashioned.
Victor, it's fine.
Why didn't you just tell me?
I didn't want you to
think I was a loser.
I would never think you're a loser.
We can totally go slow.
It's getting pretty late.
I should probably go.
Okay.
Uh, Victor?
There's nothing else, right?
No.
Dear Simon,
I really do like Mia,
but what if that isn't enough?
Okay.
- How'd you get so good at this?
- YouTube.
Oh.
No. No hickeys.
No one can know about this.
This has to stay our little secret.
Well, three can keep a secret
if two of them are dead.
What?
Sorry. Benjamin Franklin
quote. I, I won't tell anyone.
- Yeah. No more talking.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Uh-huh.
Hey, Victor. I know you really like Mia,
and you've been trying to figure
out if you're attracted to her.
It sounds like tonight, you
realized that you're not,
and that's okay.
But maybe it's time for you to
really figure out what you want.
Before someone gets hurt.
What are you doing here?
I could ask you the same thing.
How did "Trattoria di Benji" go?
Fine.
So, how was your big date?
Not much to tell.
- Working on your latte art?
- Yep.
I think I might actually
be getting better.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm.
You wanna try?
- Yeah.
- The trick is to pour quickly.
What do you want to make?
How about
a meatball?
So ugly, but so delicious.
Okay.
All right. Start there, and
then pour it in the center.
That's it. There you go.
Yep. You got it. That looks
like a meatball to me.
Strangely you and I ♪
Cross the finish line ♪
But big hearts move
slow, get left behind ♪
Lying next to someone else, oh ♪
But sometimes I still remember
what you said and how it felt ♪
Okay, fine, maybe I'm
just a little nostalgic ♪
'Cause the memories are flooding
my mind, baby I can't stop it ♪
I know I said I wouldn't call
but I'm breaking my promise ♪
'Cause the memories are flooding
my mind, baby I can't stop it ♪
Oh I can't stop it ♪
Oh oh, oh oh ♪
Oh oh, oh oh ♪
Oh I can't stop it ♪
Oh oh, oh oh ♪
Okay, fine, maybe I'm
just a little nostalgic ♪
Oh oh, oh oh, oh oh ♪
'Cause the memories are flooding
my mind and I can't stop it ♪
Oh oh, oh oh, I know I said I
wouldn't call but I broke my promise ♪
I can't stop ♪
Oh I can't ♪