Lowdown (2010) s01e06 Episode Script
Lavish Swinger
Burchill lines up the shot.
Ooh! Oops.
Burchill fires away with a three-wood.
Stunning! And a great hand for this sensational Australian player.
Mate! Mike Lavish couldn't have done it better.
Thanks, mate.
I'm actually playing in the celebrity pro-am on Sunday.
Oh, how did you get into that? You know.
Amazing.
Geraghty steps up to the tee.
Well, he'll be disappointed with that.
I'm disappointed with that.
Yes, I thought he would be.
Ah, here we go, mate.
Thanks, buddy.
Geraghty's selected a five-iron for this shot out of the rough.
Hello? What do you think of Holly? I don't know.
Who is she? I'm thinking of changing my name.
Rita, you can't keep calling me up all the time on these little whims.
I mean, what happens when I start seeing someone else? Aw! What about Lucia? I quite like Lucia too.
Wouldn't it be a bit of a hassle? Yeah, I guess so.
Maybe I'll just stick with Rita.
You done? Yeah.
Sorry, mate.
You go.
And that's a marvellous stroke from Gera Oh, bad luck.
It was Rita.
No shit.
Thought it might have been urgent.
You turn your phone off when it's your shot.
Mate, no offence - my phone ringing is the least of your problems.
And this is for a birdie.
You mean a par.
No, I drove onto the green and this is my second shot.
So you're not counting the air swing? What air swing? On the tee.
That was a practice shot.
I don't think so.
There was an intent to hit the ball.
And where there's an established intent There was no intent.
It was a practice shot.
Are you telling me you didn't try to hit that ball? Is this about me having my phone on? No.
It's about whether I can trust you.
It would almost be impossible for a golfer of my calibre to take an air swing, OK? You said it yourself - Lavish couldn't have done it better.
Do you think he would ever miss the ball? No.
He would never miss the ball.
He missed the ball.
This is the Australian Masters? Yep.
How many strokes did he win by? One.
Oh, mate.
No, you've done the right thing.
The wintergreen, the juniper The cornflower and the chicory Well, all of the words you said to me Are still vibrating in the air The elm, the ash and the linden tree The dark and deep enchanted sea The trembling moon and the stars unfurled Well, there she goes, my beautiful world There she goes, my beautiful world There she goes, my beautiful world There she goes, my beautiful world There she goes again.
Like many ailing newspapers, the 'Sunday Sun' sublet part of its office space to a private business.
Thank you very much.
Thank you so much.
Gary Duffy.
How are you? Gary Duffy.
Hi.
Well, that's the hair.
OK.
Gary Duffy.
How are you? Hi-Tech Hair Solutions was a rapidly growing company that had developed a breakthrough technology for making hair appear on bald heads otherwise known as a wig.
Janine Burton.
Hello, Janine.
What's going on? When we got here, the desks were like this and Gary was moving in.
Gary, hey? We met in the lift.
You don't think the paper's in trouble, do you? No, the boss would have told us if it were.
Oh, hi, mate.
I thought your article on AC/DC was really nicely written.
Thanks, mate.
However, I did feel that you focused a bit too much on Malcolm, when Angus is clearly the star.
I mean, you do know that Angus can play guitar one-handed? Right.
Gary Duffy.
How are you? Alex Burchill.
Good.
Hey, Alex.
Did you really play golf this morning? Yeah.
Seriously? Or ironically? Seriously.
Oh, right.
HOWARD OVER P.
A: Alex Burchill.
Boss? Alex.
I'd like you to meet an old mate of mine.
Paul Mountfoot.
Mountfoot.
Mike Lavish's caddie? Former caddie.
What's he like? I'm a huge Lavish fan.
Oh, you'll love this, then.
Come around.
Why would I love that? Shh.
So that's three, Mr Lavish.
It's two.
So you're not counting the air swing?! What air swing? That was a practice shot.
Well, technically, though, Mr Lavish, the intent was there to hit it, and where there's established intent Put down a two.
Lavish won the Masters by one stroke.
So it's big.
There's a press conference to launch the 'Mike Lavish Golf' game and you're going to be there.
What happened to caddie loyalty? He contravened the rules as laid down by the Royal and Ancient Golf Club of St Andrews.
He addressed the ball and swung with intent to strike.
Tim will make copies of the tape for you.
It's not that big a deal, is it? It's huge! Do you know how many golfers buy newspapers? No.
I don't either.
But I bet there's a few.
22,321 in the greater Melbourne metropolitan area alone.
So glad you're here.
Come on, sweetheart! I know you're a big fan.
Actually, I'm fine.
So sorry, darling.
I'm on these egg-stimulating hormones.
I'm on an emotional roller-coaster.
Have you found a suitable donor? No.
But I have found hair in the most amazing places.
Wow.
You coming to the range afterwards? No.
Yeah.
Lavish is taking a few of us down to the driving range to give us some pointers.
Where necessary.
Oh, it's good to see you're keeping a professional distance from your subject.
Oh, mate, you've got to lighten up.
You'll be old before your time.
Just want to introduce Mike Lavish, the winner of the 2010 Australian Masters.
Thank you.
Thanks very much for coming.
We've taken some time to get this little game right.
And we think we've got a real winner.
So if you like golf, you're gonna love 'Mike Lavish Golf'.
And might I add, it's nice to be able to say that I've finally done something that impresses my kids.
We'll open it up for some questions.
Yeah, I've got a question for Mr Lavish.
Would you mind talking us through the air swing you took on the 16th hole during the final day of the Masters? Uh, I don't know what you're talking about.
Yeah, he doesn't know what you're talking about.
In the scrub, on the 16th hole, you went to hit the ball but you missed it.
That was a practice swing, mate.
Anyone got any other questions? So you know the swing I'm referring to? Mate, you're making an idiot of yourself.
Public idiot of yourself.
It's just that if you counted the air swing, it would have gone to a play-off.
You're calling me a cheat? I'm just asking if you recall the incident.
He's answered the question, Alex.
Right, anyone else? If you need a reminder, I've got the footage here on my mobile phone.
Get out! What the hell do you think you're trying to do?! God! Alex suddenly got an unwelcome and vivid image of Hope van der Boom's errant tufts of hair.
That was an ironic turn of events.
Just for the record, I don't believe it was an air swing.
Well, you wouldn't, would ya? Headache? Everyone just keeps ringing me on my mobile.
I'm worried it might be a tumour.
Although I still maintain there is a serious question mark over your integrity, I'm willing to put it aside for the moment.
Give me your hand.
What? Why? Just give me your hand.
You have such delicate hands.
OK, that's enough, mate.
Wait! Ow! How's your head? Actually, much better.
It's the Chinese acupressure point for pain.
That's amazing.
Anyways, I got to get going.
I got an appointment with Gary at Hi-Tech Hair Solutions.
Appointment for what? I think I might be going bald.
Mate, take it from me - you're not going bald.
Gary was saying that up to 97% of men face hair loss at some point in their lives.
But if I act now, there still might be time to save it.
That's because you're not going bald.
And I don't intend to.
I'd give you a lift but there's still a little matter of a confession I'm waiting for.
I don't even want a lift.
Good.
'Cause you're not getting one.
Good.
I'm so sorry, Mr Lavish.
I personally never believed it was an air swing.
When you write for the 'Sunday Sun', sometimes you have to ask questions you don't want to ask.
My caddie give you that footage, did he? I'm sorry.
There's no way I can reveal my sources.
Skinny guy, neatly dressed? Mousy-brown mop top? Yes.
He was a greenskeeper at Beechworth on 300 bucks a week when I hired him.
I've taken him all over the world.
Where's the gratitude? You need to be able to trust your caddie.
There's a code.
You don't break the code.
Exactly.
Why doesn't somebody write about that? You know what, they're going to.
Check out Sunday's paper.
You play a bit of golf, do you? Oh, just some amateur stuff.
Although I'm thinking of taking the PGA test.
Are you? Show us your swing.
Really? Yeah.
Yeah, look, there's a problem with your stance.
Here, spin around.
So it's all about your set-up.
Keep that toe in a fraction.
That toe out a bit.
There you go.
Bend at the hips.
Nice, easy swing.
You feel the difference? Yeah! You just need to drag your toe back when you come back with that Ow! Jeez, that You right? Yeah.
That really hurt.
I'm going to go get that checked out.
Meanwhile, Sharna was still dealing with the break-up of her relationship.
But as her mum used to say, there's no tragedy so great that a bit of lippie and a new hairdo can't fix it.
You look nice.
Thanks.
James back yet? He shouldn't be long.
Did you hurt your hand? Mmm.
Need to make sure I'm OK for the celebrity pro-am.
'Cause I'm playing in it.
OK.
Whoo! G'day, mate! Just whip these off and I'll be with you in a tick, alright? Hmm.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Are you sure you don't want to get changed? No, I'm alright.
I know you're always in a hurry.
Well, there's definitely some bruising there.
Looks like you've come into contact with something hard.
That's brilliant, mate.
You have very delicate hands there, Alex.
You shouldn't go punching people with these hands.
They're not made for fighting.
These hands - these hands are made for typing.
Sharna? Alright, so you think I'll be OK for the pro-am? Mmm, I'd be looking at building up some strength first, if I were you.
Sharna, come and have a look at Alex's hands.
They're like girls' hands! See? Oh, they're very feminine! Yeah.
I wouldn't say feminine.
Refined, maybe.
Dainty.
Dainty, wouldn't you say? Yes.
Dainty.
Thanks, Sharna.
That'll be all.
Huh.
Right, so how do I build up my hands? Well, it's funny you should ask.
Uh, a rep came by this morning and introduced me to this stuff.
Fizzy Mac sports drink.
Oh, yeah? Apparently it helps build muscle mass and reduces healing time by 50%! Wow.
You see, golfers who take it are adding another 20 metres to their drive.
Really? There you go.
You can get it at any pharmacy or selected health and nutrition store.
Thanks, mate.
You're welcome.
Australian Masters winner Mike Lavish is in a coma.
Lavish was found unconscious earlier today by his manager following a heated press conference.
'Sunday Sun' journalist Alex Burchill is wanted for questioning in relation to a possible assault.
And in other news, scientists in California have successfully Hi.
You've phoned Alex.
Please leave a message.
Alex! You are a redhead, aren't you, Alex? Oh, I'm flattered you use the present tense, Janine.
Should you be here? Well, I'd rather be opening the bowling for Australia.
But that dream went to Perth.
Hey, Alex.
Nice swing.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Oh, I better make sure I don't get on the wrong side of you.
Yeah, because I'm really scary.
Hey, Alex.
Way to wallop a cheating golf pro.
Yeah! What?! HOWARD OVER P.
A: Alex Burchill.
Alex was beginning to get the vague sensation that something was not quite right.
What's up? Mate, whatever happens, the 'Sunday Sun' is right behind you 101%.
Great.
We've got a team of lawyers at your disposal.
We'll argue self-defence.
What?! If this paper were in trouble, which it's not, this story would really dig us out of the hole.
Which we're not in.
OK.
So we'll splash on your first-person account and then follow it up every week for as long as he's in a coma Yeah, hang on.
Who's in a coma? What do you mean? Who's in a coma? You honestly don't know? No.
Doctors say it's too early to tell when or even if the 38-year-old champion is likely to regain consciousness.
Us against them, mate.
And ABC News has just obtained security footage of the attack which is also in the hands of police investigating the matter.
Oh, my God! Gee! Aw! Hadn't actually seen that.
You king-hit him! I thought it was just an old-fashioned push and shove.
No, no.
It was an accident.
I was showing him my swing.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Then you just walk away.
Ooh! That's callous.
Alex Burchill? Yeah.
Watch the hand.
Oi! Careful Argh! Hi.
I'm Gary Duffy from Hi-Tech Hair Solutions.
Did you know that 9 out of 10 men and 4 out of 10 females will face hair loss at some point in their lives? That's a lot of men and females.
Male baldness is also known as androgenetic appellatia, which is Latin.
Female baldness is very complex but it doesn't appear to have a Latin name, which is funny.
But what isn't funny is baldness.
Hi-Tech Hair Solutions - before it's too late.
And also during and after it's too late.
Hello? Hey, mate.
It's me.
Oh.
Hello.
Look, I thought I better let you know that I'm actually in the nick.
So I won't be home for dinner.
Alright, then.
See ya.
What?! Was there something else? No, I thought that would probably be enough.
Righto.
See ya, then.
Hang on.
What? Bail's set at $5,000, in case you're interested.
Oh, so you want to talk to me now? Yeah.
Well, I dunno if I can be arsed talking to you.
Maybe I should have let your call go through to the keeper, like some other individuals are in the habit of doing.
Mate, I was trying not to use my phone 'cause there's a very real possibility it's giving me a brain tumour.
Plus, I thought I'd see you up at the office.
I just don't know if I know you anymore.
You know me.
Seriously, buddy, you gotta stop being so needy.
Righto, then.
So do you reckon you could bail me out? I don't think so.
I'm with a couple of mates, actually.
What about writing me a character reference? Do you still maintain it was a practice swing? It was a practice swing.
Yeah.
I'm afraid a reference is out of the question.
You do know you're my one phone call? Am I? That's a shame.
Hung up.
Is there a bathroom around here? Oh.
Wouldn't wake him if I was you.
You've got a visitor.
Hey, mate.
Hey, man.
Do you know how long it took me to get here? 20 17.
5 minutes.
From Elsternwick.
17.
5! How long you gonna be here? I reckon by next week, I could have that down to 14.
That's great, mate.
Hey, look, um I thought I should warn you.
Don't let them give you a urine test.
OK.
Why not? Well, remember that Fizzy Mac sports drink you had? Turns out it contains anabolic steroids.
Been found in some people to cause violent outbursts.
The boss is very sorry he could not be here in person.
That's fine.
He has nevertheless organised a live chat via this mobile phone.
Alex.
Boss.
The lawyers have looked at your case.
They said if you plead guilty, you're looking at five to seven.
What? If Lavish dies, God forbid, then you can add another 10 years onto that.
It was an accident.
When Lavish comes to, he'll back me up.
How about you write a series on life in the big house? We'll put it on three, every week.
'Alex Burchill's Prison Diaries'.
All the details - the exercise yard, the violence, being someone's bitch.
The readers will lap it up.
What about bail? Don't worry about that.
The paper will cover it.
How much is it? $5,000.
It's not that bad in there, is it? I just can't believe that you're here! As if you'd deliberately hurt anyone.
I mean, look at that sweet face.
And those delicate hands.
I was just showing him my swing.
Any news? He's still in a coma.
It's just so good to see you.
It's been one long conga line of clowns.
Is there anything I can do to help? What makes people regain consciousness? Maybe there's an acupressure point.
There's sure to be.
Bob got rid of my headache this morning by rubbing my hand just here.
Leave it to me.
OK.
Oh! A friend of mine gave me this.
It tells new inmates how to avoid you know.
Really? Being sodomised.
But it's just the local lockup.
Look after yourself, OK? I'll see what I can do about Lavish.
Thank you.
"Never sit down to urinate.
"It's a signal that you want to play the girl.
"Another sign that you are happy to take one for the team "is a vertical pillow.
"But most importantly, "to avoid anal penetration, you must" Oi! Hey.
Hey.
Alex Burchill.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I read your column every week.
Oh, thanks.
Mark.
Everyone calls me 'Cracker', 'cause I cracked a bloke's skull open once.
Hey, really impressed with that AC/DC story of yours.
Thank you.
Yeah.
You know, if I had a criticism, it would just be it was a little Angus-heavy.
Angus can play guitar one-handed.
Yeah.
And then I'm not quite sure about the wisdom of leading in with that anecdote about Bon sticking up for Angus in a bar fight.
But Angus had just got new teeth.
Yeah, see, you should have led with the story where they refuse to play at the opening of the Olympic Games.
That's just another story about AC/DC being contrary.
And then you trivialise the whole article by talking about Angus drinking milkshakes?! I mean, you're underestimating the intelligence of your readership.
The number one requirement when you're writing for a mass-circulation newspaper is you gotta keep your finger on the pulse.
I mean, I feel sometimes you talk down to your reader a bit.
I mean, we are interested in things other than who is and who isn't bleaching their arsehole.
Australian Masters winner Mike Lavish made a miraculous recovery Lavish was questioned by police Police today dropped charges against 'Sunday Sun'journalist Alex Burchill Hello? following a statement by Mike Lavish Bob? Hey! Surprise! Hey! Welcome home.
Welcome! Aw! Look, I just want to really thank you for standing by me in my hour of need.
No worries, mate.
You're welcome.
Whereas some people didn't feel the need to visit me.
Some people understand that a principle had been breached.
Right, so some people are still pissed off because they think a certain person took an air swing when in fact it was clearly a practice swing.
Yes, some people were able to clearly discern an intent to hit the ball.
If some people say they took a practice swing, then why can't other people just take their word for it? Exactly.
Just to be clear, are any of these people in this room? Some people have a code of ethics.
Some people feel that a friendship is more important than a code of ethics.
Some people don't put other people in a position where they have to choose between a friendship and a code of ethics.
It's actually a really good point, babe.
Mmm.
OK.
A certain person is willing to concede one stroke for the sake of the friendship.
One stroke? It's a concession, not a confession.
So you won by 55 strokes and not 56? Agreed.
This concession by Alex showed great strength of character, as he had maintained his position on the practice swing for so long, he'd actually come to believe it.
Just letting you guys know - there's a little drug-testing booth on the next tee.
Drug-testing? Yeah.
Steroids, stuff like that.
It's nothing for you to worry about.
Golf Australia's just going nuts with the whole "keeping it clean" thing.
Ooh! Oops.
Burchill fires away with a three-wood.
Stunning! And a great hand for this sensational Australian player.
Mate! Mike Lavish couldn't have done it better.
Thanks, mate.
I'm actually playing in the celebrity pro-am on Sunday.
Oh, how did you get into that? You know.
Amazing.
Geraghty steps up to the tee.
Well, he'll be disappointed with that.
I'm disappointed with that.
Yes, I thought he would be.
Ah, here we go, mate.
Thanks, buddy.
Geraghty's selected a five-iron for this shot out of the rough.
Hello? What do you think of Holly? I don't know.
Who is she? I'm thinking of changing my name.
Rita, you can't keep calling me up all the time on these little whims.
I mean, what happens when I start seeing someone else? Aw! What about Lucia? I quite like Lucia too.
Wouldn't it be a bit of a hassle? Yeah, I guess so.
Maybe I'll just stick with Rita.
You done? Yeah.
Sorry, mate.
You go.
And that's a marvellous stroke from Gera Oh, bad luck.
It was Rita.
No shit.
Thought it might have been urgent.
You turn your phone off when it's your shot.
Mate, no offence - my phone ringing is the least of your problems.
And this is for a birdie.
You mean a par.
No, I drove onto the green and this is my second shot.
So you're not counting the air swing? What air swing? On the tee.
That was a practice shot.
I don't think so.
There was an intent to hit the ball.
And where there's an established intent There was no intent.
It was a practice shot.
Are you telling me you didn't try to hit that ball? Is this about me having my phone on? No.
It's about whether I can trust you.
It would almost be impossible for a golfer of my calibre to take an air swing, OK? You said it yourself - Lavish couldn't have done it better.
Do you think he would ever miss the ball? No.
He would never miss the ball.
He missed the ball.
This is the Australian Masters? Yep.
How many strokes did he win by? One.
Oh, mate.
No, you've done the right thing.
The wintergreen, the juniper The cornflower and the chicory Well, all of the words you said to me Are still vibrating in the air The elm, the ash and the linden tree The dark and deep enchanted sea The trembling moon and the stars unfurled Well, there she goes, my beautiful world There she goes, my beautiful world There she goes, my beautiful world There she goes, my beautiful world There she goes again.
Like many ailing newspapers, the 'Sunday Sun' sublet part of its office space to a private business.
Thank you very much.
Thank you so much.
Gary Duffy.
How are you? Gary Duffy.
Hi.
Well, that's the hair.
OK.
Gary Duffy.
How are you? Hi-Tech Hair Solutions was a rapidly growing company that had developed a breakthrough technology for making hair appear on bald heads otherwise known as a wig.
Janine Burton.
Hello, Janine.
What's going on? When we got here, the desks were like this and Gary was moving in.
Gary, hey? We met in the lift.
You don't think the paper's in trouble, do you? No, the boss would have told us if it were.
Oh, hi, mate.
I thought your article on AC/DC was really nicely written.
Thanks, mate.
However, I did feel that you focused a bit too much on Malcolm, when Angus is clearly the star.
I mean, you do know that Angus can play guitar one-handed? Right.
Gary Duffy.
How are you? Alex Burchill.
Good.
Hey, Alex.
Did you really play golf this morning? Yeah.
Seriously? Or ironically? Seriously.
Oh, right.
HOWARD OVER P.
A: Alex Burchill.
Boss? Alex.
I'd like you to meet an old mate of mine.
Paul Mountfoot.
Mountfoot.
Mike Lavish's caddie? Former caddie.
What's he like? I'm a huge Lavish fan.
Oh, you'll love this, then.
Come around.
Why would I love that? Shh.
So that's three, Mr Lavish.
It's two.
So you're not counting the air swing?! What air swing? That was a practice shot.
Well, technically, though, Mr Lavish, the intent was there to hit it, and where there's established intent Put down a two.
Lavish won the Masters by one stroke.
So it's big.
There's a press conference to launch the 'Mike Lavish Golf' game and you're going to be there.
What happened to caddie loyalty? He contravened the rules as laid down by the Royal and Ancient Golf Club of St Andrews.
He addressed the ball and swung with intent to strike.
Tim will make copies of the tape for you.
It's not that big a deal, is it? It's huge! Do you know how many golfers buy newspapers? No.
I don't either.
But I bet there's a few.
22,321 in the greater Melbourne metropolitan area alone.
So glad you're here.
Come on, sweetheart! I know you're a big fan.
Actually, I'm fine.
So sorry, darling.
I'm on these egg-stimulating hormones.
I'm on an emotional roller-coaster.
Have you found a suitable donor? No.
But I have found hair in the most amazing places.
Wow.
You coming to the range afterwards? No.
Yeah.
Lavish is taking a few of us down to the driving range to give us some pointers.
Where necessary.
Oh, it's good to see you're keeping a professional distance from your subject.
Oh, mate, you've got to lighten up.
You'll be old before your time.
Just want to introduce Mike Lavish, the winner of the 2010 Australian Masters.
Thank you.
Thanks very much for coming.
We've taken some time to get this little game right.
And we think we've got a real winner.
So if you like golf, you're gonna love 'Mike Lavish Golf'.
And might I add, it's nice to be able to say that I've finally done something that impresses my kids.
We'll open it up for some questions.
Yeah, I've got a question for Mr Lavish.
Would you mind talking us through the air swing you took on the 16th hole during the final day of the Masters? Uh, I don't know what you're talking about.
Yeah, he doesn't know what you're talking about.
In the scrub, on the 16th hole, you went to hit the ball but you missed it.
That was a practice swing, mate.
Anyone got any other questions? So you know the swing I'm referring to? Mate, you're making an idiot of yourself.
Public idiot of yourself.
It's just that if you counted the air swing, it would have gone to a play-off.
You're calling me a cheat? I'm just asking if you recall the incident.
He's answered the question, Alex.
Right, anyone else? If you need a reminder, I've got the footage here on my mobile phone.
Get out! What the hell do you think you're trying to do?! God! Alex suddenly got an unwelcome and vivid image of Hope van der Boom's errant tufts of hair.
That was an ironic turn of events.
Just for the record, I don't believe it was an air swing.
Well, you wouldn't, would ya? Headache? Everyone just keeps ringing me on my mobile.
I'm worried it might be a tumour.
Although I still maintain there is a serious question mark over your integrity, I'm willing to put it aside for the moment.
Give me your hand.
What? Why? Just give me your hand.
You have such delicate hands.
OK, that's enough, mate.
Wait! Ow! How's your head? Actually, much better.
It's the Chinese acupressure point for pain.
That's amazing.
Anyways, I got to get going.
I got an appointment with Gary at Hi-Tech Hair Solutions.
Appointment for what? I think I might be going bald.
Mate, take it from me - you're not going bald.
Gary was saying that up to 97% of men face hair loss at some point in their lives.
But if I act now, there still might be time to save it.
That's because you're not going bald.
And I don't intend to.
I'd give you a lift but there's still a little matter of a confession I'm waiting for.
I don't even want a lift.
Good.
'Cause you're not getting one.
Good.
I'm so sorry, Mr Lavish.
I personally never believed it was an air swing.
When you write for the 'Sunday Sun', sometimes you have to ask questions you don't want to ask.
My caddie give you that footage, did he? I'm sorry.
There's no way I can reveal my sources.
Skinny guy, neatly dressed? Mousy-brown mop top? Yes.
He was a greenskeeper at Beechworth on 300 bucks a week when I hired him.
I've taken him all over the world.
Where's the gratitude? You need to be able to trust your caddie.
There's a code.
You don't break the code.
Exactly.
Why doesn't somebody write about that? You know what, they're going to.
Check out Sunday's paper.
You play a bit of golf, do you? Oh, just some amateur stuff.
Although I'm thinking of taking the PGA test.
Are you? Show us your swing.
Really? Yeah.
Yeah, look, there's a problem with your stance.
Here, spin around.
So it's all about your set-up.
Keep that toe in a fraction.
That toe out a bit.
There you go.
Bend at the hips.
Nice, easy swing.
You feel the difference? Yeah! You just need to drag your toe back when you come back with that Ow! Jeez, that You right? Yeah.
That really hurt.
I'm going to go get that checked out.
Meanwhile, Sharna was still dealing with the break-up of her relationship.
But as her mum used to say, there's no tragedy so great that a bit of lippie and a new hairdo can't fix it.
You look nice.
Thanks.
James back yet? He shouldn't be long.
Did you hurt your hand? Mmm.
Need to make sure I'm OK for the celebrity pro-am.
'Cause I'm playing in it.
OK.
Whoo! G'day, mate! Just whip these off and I'll be with you in a tick, alright? Hmm.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
Are you sure you don't want to get changed? No, I'm alright.
I know you're always in a hurry.
Well, there's definitely some bruising there.
Looks like you've come into contact with something hard.
That's brilliant, mate.
You have very delicate hands there, Alex.
You shouldn't go punching people with these hands.
They're not made for fighting.
These hands - these hands are made for typing.
Sharna? Alright, so you think I'll be OK for the pro-am? Mmm, I'd be looking at building up some strength first, if I were you.
Sharna, come and have a look at Alex's hands.
They're like girls' hands! See? Oh, they're very feminine! Yeah.
I wouldn't say feminine.
Refined, maybe.
Dainty.
Dainty, wouldn't you say? Yes.
Dainty.
Thanks, Sharna.
That'll be all.
Huh.
Right, so how do I build up my hands? Well, it's funny you should ask.
Uh, a rep came by this morning and introduced me to this stuff.
Fizzy Mac sports drink.
Oh, yeah? Apparently it helps build muscle mass and reduces healing time by 50%! Wow.
You see, golfers who take it are adding another 20 metres to their drive.
Really? There you go.
You can get it at any pharmacy or selected health and nutrition store.
Thanks, mate.
You're welcome.
Australian Masters winner Mike Lavish is in a coma.
Lavish was found unconscious earlier today by his manager following a heated press conference.
'Sunday Sun' journalist Alex Burchill is wanted for questioning in relation to a possible assault.
And in other news, scientists in California have successfully Hi.
You've phoned Alex.
Please leave a message.
Alex! You are a redhead, aren't you, Alex? Oh, I'm flattered you use the present tense, Janine.
Should you be here? Well, I'd rather be opening the bowling for Australia.
But that dream went to Perth.
Hey, Alex.
Nice swing.
Yeah.
Thanks.
Oh, I better make sure I don't get on the wrong side of you.
Yeah, because I'm really scary.
Hey, Alex.
Way to wallop a cheating golf pro.
Yeah! What?! HOWARD OVER P.
A: Alex Burchill.
Alex was beginning to get the vague sensation that something was not quite right.
What's up? Mate, whatever happens, the 'Sunday Sun' is right behind you 101%.
Great.
We've got a team of lawyers at your disposal.
We'll argue self-defence.
What?! If this paper were in trouble, which it's not, this story would really dig us out of the hole.
Which we're not in.
OK.
So we'll splash on your first-person account and then follow it up every week for as long as he's in a coma Yeah, hang on.
Who's in a coma? What do you mean? Who's in a coma? You honestly don't know? No.
Doctors say it's too early to tell when or even if the 38-year-old champion is likely to regain consciousness.
Us against them, mate.
And ABC News has just obtained security footage of the attack which is also in the hands of police investigating the matter.
Oh, my God! Gee! Aw! Hadn't actually seen that.
You king-hit him! I thought it was just an old-fashioned push and shove.
No, no.
It was an accident.
I was showing him my swing.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Then you just walk away.
Ooh! That's callous.
Alex Burchill? Yeah.
Watch the hand.
Oi! Careful Argh! Hi.
I'm Gary Duffy from Hi-Tech Hair Solutions.
Did you know that 9 out of 10 men and 4 out of 10 females will face hair loss at some point in their lives? That's a lot of men and females.
Male baldness is also known as androgenetic appellatia, which is Latin.
Female baldness is very complex but it doesn't appear to have a Latin name, which is funny.
But what isn't funny is baldness.
Hi-Tech Hair Solutions - before it's too late.
And also during and after it's too late.
Hello? Hey, mate.
It's me.
Oh.
Hello.
Look, I thought I better let you know that I'm actually in the nick.
So I won't be home for dinner.
Alright, then.
See ya.
What?! Was there something else? No, I thought that would probably be enough.
Righto.
See ya, then.
Hang on.
What? Bail's set at $5,000, in case you're interested.
Oh, so you want to talk to me now? Yeah.
Well, I dunno if I can be arsed talking to you.
Maybe I should have let your call go through to the keeper, like some other individuals are in the habit of doing.
Mate, I was trying not to use my phone 'cause there's a very real possibility it's giving me a brain tumour.
Plus, I thought I'd see you up at the office.
I just don't know if I know you anymore.
You know me.
Seriously, buddy, you gotta stop being so needy.
Righto, then.
So do you reckon you could bail me out? I don't think so.
I'm with a couple of mates, actually.
What about writing me a character reference? Do you still maintain it was a practice swing? It was a practice swing.
Yeah.
I'm afraid a reference is out of the question.
You do know you're my one phone call? Am I? That's a shame.
Hung up.
Is there a bathroom around here? Oh.
Wouldn't wake him if I was you.
You've got a visitor.
Hey, mate.
Hey, man.
Do you know how long it took me to get here? 20 17.
5 minutes.
From Elsternwick.
17.
5! How long you gonna be here? I reckon by next week, I could have that down to 14.
That's great, mate.
Hey, look, um I thought I should warn you.
Don't let them give you a urine test.
OK.
Why not? Well, remember that Fizzy Mac sports drink you had? Turns out it contains anabolic steroids.
Been found in some people to cause violent outbursts.
The boss is very sorry he could not be here in person.
That's fine.
He has nevertheless organised a live chat via this mobile phone.
Alex.
Boss.
The lawyers have looked at your case.
They said if you plead guilty, you're looking at five to seven.
What? If Lavish dies, God forbid, then you can add another 10 years onto that.
It was an accident.
When Lavish comes to, he'll back me up.
How about you write a series on life in the big house? We'll put it on three, every week.
'Alex Burchill's Prison Diaries'.
All the details - the exercise yard, the violence, being someone's bitch.
The readers will lap it up.
What about bail? Don't worry about that.
The paper will cover it.
How much is it? $5,000.
It's not that bad in there, is it? I just can't believe that you're here! As if you'd deliberately hurt anyone.
I mean, look at that sweet face.
And those delicate hands.
I was just showing him my swing.
Any news? He's still in a coma.
It's just so good to see you.
It's been one long conga line of clowns.
Is there anything I can do to help? What makes people regain consciousness? Maybe there's an acupressure point.
There's sure to be.
Bob got rid of my headache this morning by rubbing my hand just here.
Leave it to me.
OK.
Oh! A friend of mine gave me this.
It tells new inmates how to avoid you know.
Really? Being sodomised.
But it's just the local lockup.
Look after yourself, OK? I'll see what I can do about Lavish.
Thank you.
"Never sit down to urinate.
"It's a signal that you want to play the girl.
"Another sign that you are happy to take one for the team "is a vertical pillow.
"But most importantly, "to avoid anal penetration, you must" Oi! Hey.
Hey.
Alex Burchill.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I read your column every week.
Oh, thanks.
Mark.
Everyone calls me 'Cracker', 'cause I cracked a bloke's skull open once.
Hey, really impressed with that AC/DC story of yours.
Thank you.
Yeah.
You know, if I had a criticism, it would just be it was a little Angus-heavy.
Angus can play guitar one-handed.
Yeah.
And then I'm not quite sure about the wisdom of leading in with that anecdote about Bon sticking up for Angus in a bar fight.
But Angus had just got new teeth.
Yeah, see, you should have led with the story where they refuse to play at the opening of the Olympic Games.
That's just another story about AC/DC being contrary.
And then you trivialise the whole article by talking about Angus drinking milkshakes?! I mean, you're underestimating the intelligence of your readership.
The number one requirement when you're writing for a mass-circulation newspaper is you gotta keep your finger on the pulse.
I mean, I feel sometimes you talk down to your reader a bit.
I mean, we are interested in things other than who is and who isn't bleaching their arsehole.
Australian Masters winner Mike Lavish made a miraculous recovery Lavish was questioned by police Police today dropped charges against 'Sunday Sun'journalist Alex Burchill Hello? following a statement by Mike Lavish Bob? Hey! Surprise! Hey! Welcome home.
Welcome! Aw! Look, I just want to really thank you for standing by me in my hour of need.
No worries, mate.
You're welcome.
Whereas some people didn't feel the need to visit me.
Some people understand that a principle had been breached.
Right, so some people are still pissed off because they think a certain person took an air swing when in fact it was clearly a practice swing.
Yes, some people were able to clearly discern an intent to hit the ball.
If some people say they took a practice swing, then why can't other people just take their word for it? Exactly.
Just to be clear, are any of these people in this room? Some people have a code of ethics.
Some people feel that a friendship is more important than a code of ethics.
Some people don't put other people in a position where they have to choose between a friendship and a code of ethics.
It's actually a really good point, babe.
Mmm.
OK.
A certain person is willing to concede one stroke for the sake of the friendship.
One stroke? It's a concession, not a confession.
So you won by 55 strokes and not 56? Agreed.
This concession by Alex showed great strength of character, as he had maintained his position on the practice swing for so long, he'd actually come to believe it.
Just letting you guys know - there's a little drug-testing booth on the next tee.
Drug-testing? Yeah.
Steroids, stuff like that.
It's nothing for you to worry about.
Golf Australia's just going nuts with the whole "keeping it clean" thing.