Mad About You s01e06 Episode Script

No, it's the corner of 12th Street.
Okay, so that's one large pizza.
Now, half mushroom, half meatball.
- Who are you talking to? - The Italian embassy.
- That's correct.
- You're ordering a pizza? What, are you a week behind? Stay with me here.
Get pepperoni.
If I change the order, his head will explode.
- Well, what did you order? - Half mushroom and half meatball.
No, no.
I was telling my wife.
No, I didn't want another one.
-J ust the one pizza, right.
- Get half mushroom and half pepperoni.
Let me ask you this.
Is it possible-- Can I change the meatball to pepperoni? - No.
- He said no? He's telling me no.
How can he say no? That's what they mean-- New York style pizzas.
Tell me why I love you like I do Tell me who Can start my heart as much as you Tell me all your secrets and I'll tell you most of mine They say nobody's perfect Well, that's really true this time I don't have the answers I don't have aplan But I'm mad about you, baby So help me understand What we do You can whisper in my ear Where we go Who knows what happens after here Let's take each other's hand As we jump into the final frontier I'm mad about you, baby Lisa, can't you at least stop by? Well, what am I gonna tell them? Daddy is not gonna believe you've been quarantined.
No, then forget it.
I can't talk to you now.
Unbelievable.
Your father has circled the block nine times.
He's gonna have to stop for gas soon.
He enjoys parking.
Did you vacuum the curtains? No.
Did you dust the top of the Chrysler Building? I want everything to be perfect for them.
Well, don't make it too perfect, or your mother will have nothing to do.
What are you doing? I don't know.
Did you take a cracker? No.
- Please don't mess everything up.
- Honey-- Seriously.
I have a plan here.
I got pâte for my mother.
I got the cheese that Daddy loves.
They're gonna have some snacks they'll go through the wedding album, they'll talk about New Haven they'll drill me a little about Lisa and then they're offto the matinee.
- Sounds like you don't even need me.
- I hope you're kidding.
- I am.
Yes, I am.
I'm kidding.
- What are you doing? - You're getting very tense.
- I'm not getting tense.
Whatever you're getting, it scares me because they'll only be here an hour.
I know, and I want to enjoy it.
I've been looking forward to this hour.
If I were you, I'd hide under the bed.
Save me a space.
What is that supposed to mean? You think I'm making too much ofthis? Give me a second.
Let me think ofthe exact right answer.
- I'm dancin' through land mines here.
- Why are you making me nuts? Can I just point out to you objectively I'm not.
Then why am I so tense? This is what happens any time your parents cross the Connecticut border.
But it's okay.
I love you, and I will support you.
And by nightfall, you're gonna owe me so big.
Okay? Why aren't you wearing the yellow shirt my mom gave you? 'Cause I like this shirt, and I'm saving the yellow one for when I'm lost at sea.
Why can't you wear anything they give you? Well, how come you never wear that brooch my mother bought foryou? Come on.
That paper weight with a pin in it? - Hey, look, no mothers.
- No mothers.
I'm sorry.
Don't tell my mom I returned the gravy boat.
I was gonna open with that.
All right.
- Peanut, what do you say? -Jamie, you look so beautiful.
Get that hair offyour face so the world can see how prettyyou are.
Hello, Paul.
I love this little girl.
This is my baby.
This is my prize.
You been treating her okay, Pauly? The best care.
You betcha.
- You got a loose doorknob there.
- I do? Right there.
You got a screwdriver? - I don't know.
Probably.
- How could you not have a screwdriver? I got a butter knife, and we got a super, so-- I just love everything you've done to this place.
Oh, is this the couch you told us about? No, it's this one.
Oh.
Wouldn't you like it better over here? No.
That's why we put it over here.
Are you all right? I feel a little dizzy from driving around the block.
I offered to drop you off.
You know I don't like to be alone in this neighborhood.
- Can I get us something to drink? - Water.
- Splash ofJ &B? -J ust a splash.
- Double splash for me.
- Comin' up.
Have a seat.
You should see the spot I got.
Tell her.
He found a very good spot right by the curb.
Peanut, come and look at this spot.
Oh, wow.
Good parking, Daddy.
Jamie, don't you want to know how things are at home, or don't you care? Oh, no, I do.
The truth is, nothing much is happening.
Oh, except the Frosty Hut.
It's a crack house now.
Are you kidding? Somebody should take those bastards out, line 'em up and hang 'em.
Publicly.
On television.
Gus, please, tell her about the grill I bought you.
Mom bought me a new grill.
Oh, look.
She got my favorite pâte.
- And Daddy's little cheeses.
- Such a shame we can't eat it.
- Why not? - Our cholesterol's through the roof.
But that's nothing foryou to worry about.
We got major medical.
Ofcourse, those thieves don't cover what they used to.
- Oh, Gus, don't start.
- Who are you protecting? Are you best friends with Blue Cross now? I'm gonna go help Paul with the drinks.
- Oh, can I help? - No, thanks.
What was she thinking buying that couch? - Looking for something, honey? - Anything that won't kill my parents.
And who says you're not a good hostess? - My mother.
- Oh, no.
What did she say? - Nothing.
- Well, I'm sure she didn't mean it.
There was a chicken in here.
Who ate it? Did you eat it? - No, I did not eat it.
- Somebody ate it.
Honey, I want you to stand there for a second and just breathe.
Will you stop making demands on me! Come here.
Look into my eye.
Look into my eye deep and focus, okay? Listen to me.
This will pass.
What are you saying? You don't like my parents being here? No, I love them being here.
I'm just don't want you here at the same time.
- Is there cholesterol in olives? - No, it's perfectly safe.
Unless, ofcourse, I decide to smackyou in the head with this jar.
- Thankyou foryour support.
- I support you, honey.
But can I say to you as your friend that your parents are turning you into a little bit ofa lunatic.
- And what's your point? - You're not gonna change them so maybe you could just deal with it a little better.
This from a man that goes into a fetal position every time his mother calls.
I don't believe that's true.
It happens to be a yoga relaxation exercise.
Here we go.
Hope these are to your liking.
Oh, look.
He curled the lemon twist.
Well, I remembered you enjoyed that last time.
- Thankyou.
- That's a great color on you.
You're a very thoughtful young man.
And you were worried about him.
Not true.
I always liked Pauly.
Especially compared to some ofthose other prizes she brought home.
What a parade! Oh, who was the one who stole her shoes? Arnold.
What a slug.
- He was one ofthe better ones.
- Okay, can we stop this, please? And by the way, he's a congressman now.
I rest my case.
What do you got there, Gus? Look at this.
We brought you some fresh meat from the shop.
You sure you didn'tjust hit a deer on the way in? Oh, Daddy, you shouldn't have bothered.
It's no bother.
What's a few steaks? - Did you forget the rib roast? - I didn't forget the rib roast.
This is really way too generous.
We're gonna have to get a meat locker.
- When's your birthday? - Oh, no, I-- I'm just kidding you.
We'll cut it down.
Well, gee, this is a beauty, Gus.
What would this be, filet mignon? Please! The most overrated cut in the industry.
For flavor, you always want a rib steak.
That's this area here, you know? And for tenderness, look to your flanks.
- Hey, watch it.
- Daddy, leave his flanks alone.
You should see my peanut wield this cleaver.
Sharpen 'em up.
You know, sweetie, these single servings are convenient but they're much too expensive.
That's how they get you.
They're counting on people who don't think.
Oh, you know, honey, ifyou would keep your sharp knives right here next to your everyday cutlery you wouldn't have to spend so much time wandering around the kitchen.
They'll be dead in five years.
You wanna watch those paws.
Mommy's got a knife and she's cranky.
Look at the arm on her.
She'd have made a hell ofa butcher.
- Stop criticizing her.
- What did I say now? - She's very fulfilled in her career.
- What did I say? - You said she should be a butcher.
- What's wrong with being a butcher? - She doesn't want to be a butcher.
- Who said she did? I'm the one that broke my back putting her through Yale.
What did I think? She's gonna get a BA in meat? I'm proud of her.
You're the one who's worried about her having kids? She can have both.
I just want her to be happy.
- I am happy.
- Then we're happy.
It's after 1 :00 already.
You know, you really better get goin'.
I don't mean to push you out, but there might be a line at the box office.
- Oh, we have our tickets.
- You don't want to miss the overture-- It's not a musical.
- Traffic? - What are you talking about? The show doesn't start until 8:00.
- You're not going to the matinee? - No.
We're going to the evening show.
This way, we can spend the whole day with you.
No kidding? Really? Is that-- Good.
That's good.
That's really good.
That's good.
Lisa, I'm begging you.
Please come over now.
You know, I don't care if it awakens your eating disorder.
I can't do this alone.
No, he's no help.
He likes them.
Lisa, I'll give you money.
No, seriously.
I have my checkbook in my hand.
Fine.
I'll send Paul to the cash machine.
Please.
Yes.
All right, hurry, hurry.
Lisa, I love you, I love you.
Yes, cab fare is included.
Please.
Godspeed.
Thank God.
Now they can torture her.
I'm very happy foryou.
Hate to bring you down.
Your father tells me we got a slow drain.
No, no, no.
That's fabulous.
Fixing that sink could keep him busy for hours.
Mom will be busy torturing Lisa.
I'm happy.
This is good.
So now you're in the open hostility phase.
- What are you talking about? - Every time they come, you do this.
You start off, you're happy, then you get manic then you have that repressed hostility, and now the open hostility.
You see, honey, you had your hair clog right here in this section.
All I had to do was remove the trap, clean it out reassemble the pipe, and bingo.
He's very handy, your father.
Ten minutes it took him.
Oh, that's nothing.
Would've taken me five, but I had to use a butter knife.
Let me tell you something.
You know what you need? A good wrench and a set ofscrewdrivers.
- I always wanted to get a lathe.
- Why? - Daddy, you're dripping.
- Take it from me, Pauly.
You want to cut your teeth on a simple starter set.
- You want a lathe, you gotta earn it.
- I think I could handle it.
No, Pauly, trust me.
A lathe is way too much tool foryou.
Well, I gotta disagree with you, Gus.
I don't like to toot my own horn but in wood shop, just so happens I got a B-plus.
It's okay.
You don't have to prove yourselfto me.
- Oh, Daddy, you're dripping! - Give me this.
Why didn't you say something? Would you look at that piece ofcrap! None ofthis would've happened ifyou kids had decent pipes.
I nstead they had to cut corners.
They used that nickel-plated junk.
I'm telling you, there's no pride in workmanship in this country.
Daddy, please don't criticize our pipes.
- You know who's good at plumbing? - Who? - Canadians.
- I never knew that.
- Common knowledge.
- Really? That's what they're known for.
Bacon, hockey and pipes.
I guess you never see a clog in Montreal, huh? Hey, did I tell you about the clog Mom and I had at the house? - Yeah.
Yes, you did.
- Sweetie, tell him about our big clog.
- We had a big clog.
- This is what we heard.
It's Lisa! - They're talking about the clog.
- Show me the cash.
- What tookyou so long? - I had to stop at every food cart between here and my place.
Hi, sweet pea.
You're all skin and bones.
Oh, baby! Oh, I made you brownies.
Double fudge.
- Mmm, thanks.
- Are you gonna finish that pretzel? Hey, take it.
I had three on the way over.
Ooh, you don't need that salt.
Mom, don't treat him like a baby.
He is old enough to make his own food choices.
Isn't it nice to have the whole family together like this? I don't want to hog all of Mom and Dad's time, Lisa.
They're all yours.
- Where are you going? - I'm gonna make some popcorn.
- Buttered.
- Start earning your money.
Honey, I love your outfit.
But wouldn't it look a little nicer ifyou just filled it out a little bit? She's so skinny.
You don't have that bulimia thing again, do you? No.
And if I did, which I don't I wouldn't tell you because I wouldn't realize it.
That's how it works.
How's thejob hunting going? I mean, a smart girl like you with three years ofcollege shouldn't have any trouble finding a job.
Well, considering it's a recession, my unemployment runs out in two weeks and I have no skills, I think it's going pretty well.
Remember, you can always come back home.
I'd rather die.
Honey? Honey, that's really quite enough salt.
Your father's blood pressure is going up.
He's in the other room.
- How's Lisa doing? - Not bad.
She's demolishing the brownies and your parents at the same time.
- Really? - I never thought I'd say this but you could actually learn something from her.
She's standing up to them.
Oh, like I can't! No, you could.
But I thinkyou enjoy letting your parents turn you into a walking tic.
Like your family's the picture of mental health.
No, but we don't go around pretending that we like each other all the time.
Look who's talking, Mr.
Suck-Up.
''May I curl your lemon twist?'' So what, I'm in trouble for being nice to your parents? - It's not exactly a picnic for me.
- Oh, you've been having a great time.
Oh, yeah, great time.
Your father makes fun of my doorknob and then he casts aspersions on my manhood.
Your manhood? Yeah.
You know, I happen to think I could handle a lathe.
- I doubt it.
- Oh, you're pleasant.
Right.
I'm just awful.
You should've married that girl with the nosejob.
You're so cruel.
The woman had a deviated septum.
They all do.
This is perfect.
This happens every time.
They push you to the brink, and then what do you do? - You take it out on me.
- I'm not taking it out on you.
So how come they're out there, and I'm in here being picked on by the peanut? - You know what? Don't call me that.
- What's wrong with ''peanut''? Nothing, ifyou have a hat and a cane and live on the side ofa jar.
- I hate that name.
- Well, then tell them that.
- I would love to tell them that.
- Well, you should.
- I should just go tell them that.
- I'm agreeing.
J ust nicely, without twitching.
So, is this Steven a nice boy? Yes, but he's not a boy.
He's a man.
A married man.
Where did we go wrong with her? Mom, Daddy, I have something to say to you.
- Didn't that used to be over there? - Wasn't I right? Use it.
Mom, Daddy, I have something to say to you.
- She's pregnant! - Oh, that's why she's so moody.
No, no, no.
I'm neither pregnant nor moody.
- You know I love you.
- Oh, we love you too, honey.
Thankyou.
I'm not a baby anymore-- But you were a beautiful baby.
Had a full head of hair the dayyou were born.
Not like our Lisa.
She was our little cue ball.
I think I'll start going to therapy three times a week.
- You two are so cute together.
- They always were.
Oh, do you remember the song they used to do? Oh, these girls one Christmas saw on TV a movie.
And while I'm still sleeping, they make up this whole routine.
It's their present to me.
It's the best present I ever had in my life.
- What was the song? - It's not important.
Ofcourse it is.
Do you want to hear the song, Paul? - Well, listen-- - No! What I was trying to say is that we're adults now.
You're right.
You're right.
I guess we can never get the past back.
- Exactly.
- It's just that sometimes when we're together like this, I miss the way we used to be.
Oh, Gus.
Who knows how many visits like this we'll have together.
I just wish we had a video camera back then.
I guess I'll never hear that song again.
Sisters, sisters There were never such devotedsisters Neverhadto have a chaperone No, sir I'm here to keep my eye on her Caring, sharing Every little thing that we are wearing When a certaingentleman arrivedfrom Rome She wore the dress andIstayhome Lordhelp the mister Who comes between me andmysister AndLordhelp thesister Who comes between me andmyman - That was wonderful! - Beautiful.
It really took me back.
- Yeah, it was just amazing, peanut.
- Shut up.
- Is it safe? - Almost.
All that's left is this stabbing pain behind my right eye.
Did your mother move our bed? Only a few inches.
What happened to that picture of my mom? It's so strange.
I'm 30 years old.
I'm married.
I have a home.
I have a job.
How come my parents can still push all my buttons? Oh, well, that's easy.
They installed them.
- You were really good today.
- I was a saint.
Really.
You're the best husband in the whole world.
- You're not kidding.
- I owe you my life.
And 300 clams I had to payyour sister.
I'm good for it.
You know, the only punishment cruel and unusual enough foryour parents would be to spend the weekend with my parents.
Come on.
It wasn't that bad.
Hello? Were you here today? Did you see what went on? I know.
But every time they leave, I kind of miss them.
Oh, God.
If I askyou something, will you answer me honestly? Ofcourse.
Don't you think I sing better than Lisa? Excuse me? I n the act.
Maybe it's just me, but I thought she was flat.