Making History (2017) s01e06 Episode Script

1 Previously on "Making History" 1919 Chicago! - I know Al Capone! - (glass shatters) I am Al Capone.
- Let's just get this over with.
Good-bye.
- CHRIS: No! The World Series is fixed.
The Chicago White Sox - are gonna throw it.
- DAN: And we're making a big bet.
We can cut you in, and we can all make a lot of money! Could we just have our bag back, please? Why don't we just wait and see how our little bet turns out first, gentlemen, shall we? ANNOUNCER: Bottom of the ninth, two outs.
Could the Reds pull off the impossible and upset the heavily favored White Sox to win the World Series? It's so clear.
It's like we're actually there.
- Totally.
- Technology is amazing.
Up to bat comes Shoeless Joe Jackson.
Yeah, it's kind of crazy if this World Series bet goes through, you're gonna make a lot of money, and if it don't, I'm gonna kill you.
So crazy.
(Chris laughs nervously) Here's the pitch.
Shoeless Joe swings.
It's a ground ball up the middle of the field.
Rath fields it.
Throws to first and he's out that's the ball game! - The Reds win the World Series! - (cheering) CAPONE: We did it, Danny! We're rich! DEBORAH: I'm just glad it's over.
Baseball is so dull! Hey, could someone take a picture of the winners over here? (flashbulb pops) - (screams) - Wow! (gasping, screaming) Oh, my God! I've only ever done this with fresh milk.
Hey, you better not spill any, or I'll strangle Dan! (chuckles) To our wonderful new friends, Daniel, Deborah and Johnny No-Fun.
- It's Chris.
- Fine.
Chris No-Fun.
May this be the beginning of a long relationship.
Salud! OTHERS: Salud! DAN: Hey, Deb, check it out.
- I'm Mr.
Bread-Hands.
- (squealing laugh) DEBORAH: That is the funniest use of bread I've ever seen.
- Wait, say it into the mic.
- (squeals) I hate to mix business with pleasure, Mr.
Capone, but we kind of need our money and the bag.
(sighs) This guy and his bag.
"The bag, the bag!" (groans) I told this guy, if he loves that bag so much, - why doesn't he just marry it? - Hmm.
- How do you think that might go? - I don't know.
Well, there'd be a ceremony, and it'd be like, "Do you, Chris, "take this bag to be your lawfully wedded bag wife, - (laughing) - "to have and to hold things - 'cause you're a bag" - (laughing) Chris would say "I do.
" - (others laughing) - And then, uh they'd say, "Bag, do you " Love it, Danny! I can't breathe! That's the funniest thing I've ever heard! (laughter continues) Deborah, can you please pass the bread? No.
No more bread for her.
She's getting fat.
Al I had the baby a week ago.
Yeah? Then why do you still look like the Lusitania? I mean, she's a big boat, right? I mean, I'm getting seasick just looking at her! (laughter) - (imitating ship's horn blowing) - N-No No.
(crying): Thanks a lot, Al.
Excuse me.
(sighs) Congrats on the baby.
- Shut up.
- Yes, sir.
Mae? You don't have to take that.
(sighs) That's men for you.
They're all the same.
Daniel isn't.
Yeah, but you got a guy who's doing a whole bread routine for you, and I'm married to Al Capone.
I mean, what am I gonna do? Mae I don't know you very well, but I like you, and I want to tell you a secret.
- You're Jewish? - No.
Oh.
Phew! Times are changing for us.
We're going to be able to vote soon.
And I even heard that in Baltimore, a man made his own dinner.
- What? - Mae, your life can be better.
Oh, my God.
We-we have to get back to the table.
Al is gonna think I'm moving my bowels.
Mmm! What a steak! - How's yours, guys? - Great, boss.
- Terrific.
- Fantastic.
CHRIS: It's a little rare for my taste but it's still good.
Excuse me for a moment, would you, please? - (gunshot) - (thump in distance) (footsteps approaching) They're gonna bring you a new one.
DEBORAH: What did we miss? DAN: Guy stuff, bro-ing out.
I need to digest a little.
- Let's take a stroll.
- Yeah, I could do a walk.
All right.
Not you! You stay here with the women and the nobodies.
Let's go, Danny.
I've never seen a little guy eat so much.
Aw, Al.
Little.
Thank you so much.
Mm.
You know, Dan I like you, and I don't I don't got a lot of friends.
Oh, stop.
What about that big guy who can't stop burping? - He seems like a cool cat.
- He's not like you.
I mean, you're smart, fun, funny, nice, cool.
You know? And I feel like after I pay you, I'm never gonna see you again.
I'll give you my e-mail.
- What? - What? What did you hear, and then I can, um, tell you what I said.
No, I just, I just feel like you're gonna, you know, blow town, you know? You got your crew.
- That Chris character.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, he can be a pill.
He's so negative! It's, like, I could tell, when I killed that waiter, he was, like, judging me.
It's so hard to build up confidence, and then a guy like that can just snatch it away from you - with just a look.
- Yeah, exactly.
Anyway here's your cut of the dough.
I-I love dough.
I love dough so much I might marry a pizza.
(laughs) Imagine if you married a pizza, how that might go! (laughing) Oh, man! (laughing) Uh, hey, Al.
Do you think maybe I could get my money in, uh, my bag? The one that's in your vault.
Oh, yeah.
That's it.
That's the bag.
This isn't my bag.
My bag was-was bigger.
No, I remember.
Tiny little bag.
Al, my bag was so big, you could fit two to three bodies in it.
You could fit two to three bodies in there, Danny.
- Now, I hate to argue with you, Al - You know what? Then don't.
I think you and me are gonna be spending a lot more time together than you think.
I'd like that very much.
Now, walk me through this pizza wedding! (laughs) (excited shouts, laughing) Hey.
What are you doing? We were supposed to be in the lobby two hours ago.
Gee, I'm sorry, Chris, that we weren't up to make it to your big stuck-in-the-past breakfast.
DAN: We were up late doing sarcasm.
Oh, were we? - (laughs): So funny.
- Well, I hate to interrupt your romantic trip, but we need to take down Al Capone so we can get our time machine back.
Oh, Chris we already took care of it.
How? Uh, we're gonna "Donnie Brasco" Capone earn his trust and then make him take us to his vault.
- That doesn't sound safe for Deb.
- Oh.
Sexist.
What are you gonna say to that? There's no comeback.
Okay, while you two are busy playing Mafia, I also came up with a plan.
And it has the benefit of being the actual thing that takes down Capone.
- What is it? - I am gonna go to the Internal Revenue Service and report on Capone's very specious accounting practices.
DAN: You're gonna tell on him.
- Very cool.
- Sarcasm.
- Yeah.
- Mm.
Okay, this isn't a movie.
It's history.
- Movies are fiction.
- What about Hoop Dreams? - That was a documentary.
- What's the difference? I believe a documentary's based on actual events, whereas a movie is just completely made up.
See? Even she gets it.
(takes deep breath) That's sexist.
I was saying that because you're a Colonial, not because you're a woman.
You're digging your own grave, you pig.
Fat Tony.
Fat Jimmy.
Tony.
Jimmy.
- Hey, uh, Al.
- Hey buddies! While we were waiting, we-we had a thought.
- Uh, what if we didn't go - We Yeah.
to a restaurant for lunch, but we had, like, a picnic? Yes, in your vault.
What if we did it in your vault? Yeah.
That would be funny.
It would be so funny, 'cause people - don't usually eat in vaults, and, well, - Yeah.
we would all be sitting there eating in the vault, - near the near the bag.
- Yeah.
Yeah.
Nah.
I guess that's just not my type of humor.
Okay? I want to go to a restaurant.
Now, can I finish up work real fast? Give me my money, scumbag! - But I - Aah! (gasps) What restaurant were you thinking? Fact: Al Capone was actually brought down by the Internal Revenue Service, which is why I'm here at the Internal Revenue Service.
That's rude.
E-Excuse me? What number's next? I have, uh 26.
Four.
Won't be long now.
DAN: Al, you wanted to be smart, fun, funny and nice like me? This is not the way I would handle it.
Okay.
So if a guy can't pay me, what do you suppose I do, exactly? Well, maybe you be nicer and not kill him? (sighs): That's crazy, but I'll give it a shot.
Speak of the devil.
Here he is.
Huh, Al? Don't you have something to say to this nice florist? Sorry that I bashed your face in.
Is it bad? What do you want to hear, man? (whimpers) Dan, I am so confused.
This guy owes me money, and he's still alive.
What if, instead of him giving you the five dollars that he owes you he gives you $20 worth of flowers from his shop? What am I gonna do with a bunch of flowers? Well, maybe you can give them to your wife Mae.
If Mae wants flowers, she can go to the churchyard and pick 'em.
A little romantic gesture goes a long way.
Dan gave me a snow globe.
It was very heavy and started leaking almost immediately, but, oh, I loved it.
Oh, my God, fine! Give me the dumb flowers for my stupid wife.
He's gonna take the flowers for his dumb wife.
DAN: See, Al? You keep it up with this nice stuff, and all over town people'll be doing favors for you.
You'll be known as a Godfather.
FLORIST: That's actually a good description, because I'm not related to him, but he has a sort of paternal interest in my well-being.
(sighs) I just found him irritating.
But you didn't kill him.
I didn't kill him.
Hey, Mae.
Hay is for horses.
What do you want? That dish towel really brings out your eyes.
Very funny, Al.
Eat your pot roast before it gets cold.
(sighs) (banging) (groans) To think our ride home is just on the other side of this door.
Have you tried the handle? Well, that would be real egg on my face, huh? Good.
It's locked.
Maybe the door is connected to these books, like in Scooby-Doo.
(books thumping on floor) Just try 'em all.
(both laughing) The lovebirds sound like they're having a good time.
Must be nice.
Mae, your skin is so soft, and you can read a clock really fast.
I bought you these flowers, but then I got scared and I sat on them instead of giving 'em to you, but now I am giving 'em to you.
Al, you've never brought me flowers before.
Mae, I haven't treated you very good because I was afraid you'd wise up to how great you are and you'd leave me.
Oh, Al, I could never leave you.
I'm too scared.
That is beautiful.
Mae, you are my partner in love, my partner in life and my partner in Well, I guess "life" just kind of covers everything, doesn't it? I should've said "life" first.
Oh, Al, I liked that you said "love.
" Love is part of life.
It is now.
I'm sorry this isn't more romantic.
I'm having a wonderful time because I'm with you.
(footsteps approaching) Oh, he's coming.
These chairs are so comfortable to sit in, which is all we've been doing.
- Yeah, how'd it go, pal? - She loved it so much, and she gave me big kissies.
Honestly, I'm looking forward to taking credit for more of your ideas.
How would you two like to be my right-hand man and my left-hand not a man? DAN: Like a consigliere? Yeah.
I don't know.
- Sure.
- These advisors, I assume, would have full access to your life and business and I don't know, perhaps your vault? - (whispers): Nice.
- Yes.
You would be involved in everything.
But this kind of trust is a really big deal for me.
So I need you to do a little something for me to prove your loyalty.
Oh, yeah.
Anything.
I need you to kill Chris.
- Yeah.
I mean, I don't think that - Absolutely.
- should be a block in the road.
- I would love to.
- I don't think that's a problem.
- I've been wanting to do that.
- See? It's getting romantic, huh? - Mm-hmm.
Knock, knock! (both singing jolly melodies) DEBORAH: Zing-dee-dee! - We got pocket watches! - Pocket watches! - I have actual good news.
- (gasps) My plan worked! That's right, I submitted the initial paperwork to the IRS, and after that, it is mere weeks until they mail me the forms for the audit.
Oh! Well, our plan worked, too.
And it'll work right now.
DAN: Yeah.
Capone loves us.
All we have to do is show him a simple act of loyalty.
Yeah.
It's not even a big deal.
Okay, like what? All he wants us to do is kill you in front of him.
(glass shatters) Oh, my God! It's just a watch.
Don't worry about it.
It's, like, eight bucks.
I'm not talking about the watch! I'm talking about being murdered! He's not actually going to kill you, Chris.
Yeah, you dum-dum.
When he gives me the gun, instead of shooting you, I'll shoot him in the leg.
Yes.
And then we'll make him open the vault and get our time machine back.
(chuckles): Oh No way.
Why? 'Cause you didn't think of it? No.
Because your way brings me to an execution.
And my way, though it may seem boring to the uneducated mind, is the thing in history that actually takes down Capone.
Well, fine, if you want to wait years for your IRS scheme to work, go for it.
Or you could trust your buddy now.
I'll take the years.
And when we get the time machine, I'll just beam back to the moment we left.
DAN: It doesn't work like that.
However long you're in the past, that's as long as you've been gone from the present.
CHRIS: What? You're just now telling me this? Yes.
Oh, my God.
I've missed a week of class! I'm not gonna get tenure now.
I may not even have a job! We got to go to Capone's, and you got to kill me right now.
And you'd better do a good job.
Oh, yeah, I'll kill you good, boss.
So you're going with "trust your buddy," huh? - (door closes) - Nice.
Watch the walls.
(music playing faintly) Mae! If it's not too much trouble, can I get some coffee for our guests? It's not ready yet.
That's okay.
What's most important is your feelings.
Toodle-loo.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Who was that man? I didn't even recognize him.
That was your husband, Al! Oh, y No, I know.
I was making a joke.
Oh, right.
I didn't know, because it wasn't funny.
(loudly): Oh, hey, Danny, this is that new gun I've been wanting to show you.
DAN: Oh, Al, the one I wanted - to see, with the wood inlays.
- Correct.
Sorry, Chris.
- (cocks hammer) - That's curtains for you.
Oh, no, Dan.
- How could you betray me? - Any last woids? Yes.
Checkmate! - Ha-ha! You dummy! - Ha! You think I'd really kill Chris? He's, like, my best friend.
You're, like, my third best friend.
Sorry, Al.
CHRIS: Do it.
(clicking) (clicking continues) Al? I think your new gun is broken.
- Ha-ha! Checkmate! - Fart! You know, the first five times I tried this loyalty test, I got shot.
Then I realized, oh, I don't have to put any bullets in there.
I know if they're loyal if they pull the trigger.
And I have my answer now.
You, get in the vault I'll deal with you later.
Glad I trusted my buddy.
Fuhgettaboutit.
Ah? - You betrayed me.
- Al, Allie-boy.
(switch clicks, electrical whining) Now, this is the door to Al Capone's vault, which was famously found completely empty.
Hi.
Bye.
(electrical whining) (grunts) I'm interesting! And the clarinet is awesome! And history matters! How did you get out of the vault? I'm Batman.
I don't know who that is.
Did somebody just yell, "History matters"? I didn't hear anything.
No, I-I heard something.
I'm gonna go check it out.
- Mae, wait.
- Hey, get your mitts off me.
Oh! (both grunt) Look at us, fighting like men.
(chuckles) (both grunt) - Better than men.
- Yeah! (both grunt) Ah.
Oh.
We're making great strides.
(both yell) - Lights out.
- DEBORAH: Oh.
- (gun cocks) - Drop it.
No one hurts my baby.
CAPONE: Mae, what are you doing? Al, last week I wished you were dead.
But this week, we're not just partners in life, we're partners in crime.
Yeah, life includes crime.
Don't point the gun at me.
- Point it at them.
- Oh, yeah.
DEBORAH: Excuse me! No one messes with my partner in life, meaning Dan.
Hi, Dan.
I'm sorry, Chris.
- Drop it.
- No, you drop it.
- No, you drop it.
- You drop it.
- Drop it.
- Drop it.
- Please drop it.
Please? - Come on, Deb, drop it.
- Please drop it.
- Your broad ain't gonna shoot.
She don't got the guts.
Do the thing.
Do the thing I taught you.
(as Tony Montana): Say hello to my little friend! - (laughs) - We're not gonna ever take it I'm never gonna let you keep me down I can't feel my heart, it's breaking I'm never gonna make it another round Oh.
This is why we time-travel.
Moments like this.
- So awesome.
- Okay, you guys got us.
Open the vault.
CAPONE: You know, if someone was gonna rob me blind, - I'm glad it was you, Dan.
- Al, I'm telling you, you remember all that Godfather stuff that we talked about, and the Mafia will be huge.
You won't even need the money I took from you.
You taught Al Capone how to do the Mafia? Bye-bye, Mae.
Bye.
Bye.
Al, later, skater.
(electrical whining) (grunts) Yes, yes, yes.
We are back, and we got the money still.
- (laughter) - Now we can buy the ice cream parlor.
And most importantly, we saved Al and Mae Capone's marriage.
- Absolutely, that was number one priority.
- That never mattered at all.
Aw, gross, there's a sandwich in my pocket that's, like, 100 years old now.