Mandy (2019) s01e06 Episode Script
Broadsword to Donna Ball
1
Oh, Mandy
Well, you came
and you gave without taking
But I sent you away
Oh, Mandy
Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking
And I need you today
Oh, Mandy. ♪
And that's why they should be shot.
Controversial stuff from
Ben in Bow, there. Thank you, Ben.
Right, now, I think we've got
a first-time caller on line one.
Who's there?
Caller, you're live on the radio.
Lain? Yes.
Hello? Lain? Yes, I can hear you.
Can you hear me?
Yes. Is that lain?
It is lain. Who's that?
Can I just say, I thought
you were great in the jungle.
Thank you very much.
That's very kind.
What's your name, please, caller?
It's Mandy. Mandy Carter.
Hey, Mandy, nice to talk to you.
Whereabouts are you calling from?
Er, I'm in a coffin, being buried.
Right, OK.
You're in a coffin, being buried.
I've got to say, these wind-up calls
really need to improve a little bit.
No, lain, I wouldn't mind you up.
You sure you're in a coffin?
Yeah. Listen. KNOCKING
Can you hear that?
It sounds like you're in a coffin.
What on Earth are you doing there?
Do you need help? What can I?
Oh, no, ta, lain. Getting out
would more trouble than it's worth.
Why don't you tell me
what's happened?
Well, it all started two days ago
when an old friend wanted to discuss
a job with me in the Red Cow.
Mandy.
Donna.
I've got a job, big one,
and I'm a player short.
I've told you, I'm retired.
The last one was too close.
I'm putting together
the finest line-up
since the Great Railway Robbery.
Railway? They got caught!
It's all reliable people.
Lucy Spatchcock, the NutriBullet.
If there's a way into a bank vault,
she'll crack it.
Tina Sinkhole. Driver. Trustworthy.
And she's got a Volvo.
Wendy Typhoid. The fixer.
There ain't nothing she don't know.
Isn't she the one who went on
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
and got stuck at £300?
She comes highly recommended.
What do you want me for?
Surveillance.
Someone to be our eyes and our ears.
I told you, I'm retired.
"I told you, I'm retired."
Especially after what happened
on the last job.
ALARM RINGS
Hello? You still there?
Donna? Donna!
You shouldn't have put weight on,
Mandy. I couldn't help it.
There was Japanese Kit Kats
in some of those deposit boxes.
THUMP! I need this!
I've been planning this
for too long.
This thing has got to run
like a Swiss clock.
Now, are you going to do the job?
Yes or no?
No. Yes!
Fuck off, wanker, you're doing it.
Is that from a film?
Sexy Beast. Oh, yeah.
Have I done something to upset you,
Mandy?
What? Have I done something
to upset you?
No, no, course not, Donna.
You're doing the job.
That's the end of it.
Now get me a taxi!
She wanted you to do a robbery?
That's right, lain.
And you said no?
Actually, I said yeah,
but I wasn't really part
of the robbery, I was only lookout.
I had to break into an undertaker's
so I could monitor the guards
in the bank next door.
SHE KNOCKS ON WALL
Who do you think runs this country?
Government. No.
Well, yes, but also
the lizard people. Lizard?
No, not lizards.
Like, lizard people.
I mean, these are like hybrids
of lizards and people.
Like, we know what lizards are.
Lizards are just lizards.
These are like lizard people,
people that have
lizard-y traits.
I've not really I've not
really read too much about it.
It's mainly my own thinking.
This is Broadsword.
This is Broadsword.
Come in, Donna Ball.
Don't use my real name
over the air, Broadsword.
Shit, sorry, Donna.
Are you in position?
Yeah. I'll give you a shout
if they move.
Good girl. Danny Boy out.
Then there's the Queen,
of course. She's another one.
Lizard? Yeah.
A lizard, and like a really
high up lizard as well.
You know, she had Diana killed.
Sway
by Dean Martin
When marimba rhythms
start to play
Dance with me Make me sway
Like a lazy ocean
Hugs the shore
Hold me close Sway me more
Like a flower bending
in the breeze
Bend with me Sway with ease
When we dance
You have a way with me
Stay with me Sway with me
Other dancers may be on the floor
Dear, but my eyes will see
only you
Only you have a magic technique
When we sway I go weak
I can hear the sound of violins
Long before it begins
Make me thrill
as only you know how
Sway me smooth
Sway me now ♪
They're trying to keep it
from people like you,
the little people, the sheeple.
Well, I suppose we'd better have
another once around the vault.
SHE SNORES
DONNA, OVER RADIO: Broadsword?
Broadsword, there's movement.
What is going on?
GUARD, MUFFLED: Hang about.
What's going on here?
Broadsword, what is going on?
- Broadsword. Broadsword! Mandy!
- ALARM BLARES
We've been had! Run, run!
For fuck's sake! Mandy!
You fell asleep in the coffin?
Yeah. Well, I'd had about two pints
of Advocaat, of course I did.
Right. So when did you wake up?
Er, well, I woke up this morning.
God, she's barely recognisable.
Yeah, well, the illness
really took its toll.
What's she wearing
a tool belt for?
Oh, God, she looks terrible.
Oh, God.
RATTLING
Crime Of The Century
by Supertramp
PHONE BEEPS
One, two, three, hup!
CREAKING
THUD
PHONE BEEPS
Hey, Siri, I'm trapped in a coffin.
What do I do?
PHONE BEEPS
I found this on the web.
Hi, guys! Thanks to all of you
so much if you've left a comment,
you've liked or subscribed
to my channel.
Today we're going to be talking
about what to do
if you're trapped in a coffin.
Help!
I'm trapped in a coffin!
Now, first of all, it's really
important you don't panic.
Don't panic! Rr-aa! Ps-hw!
You've got about enough oxygen
to last about 90 minutes.
TICKING, HE SCREAMS
But if you panic, you're going
to use it up too quickly.
CHURCH BELLS RESONATE
To slow down your breathing,
try meditation.
Oo-mm!
Or imagine you're somewhere
peaceful, like a tropical beach.
Or basically just anywhere else
that isn't a coffin.
Stupid little shit.
It's only a cucumber!
Hello, Mandy Carter speaking.
Hi, Mandy.
It's Dani from Fitness First.
Is now a good time to talk?
Er, yeah. Why not?
Great! Well, just to let you know,
our special offer of signing up
without paying the joining fee
is still on. So just so you don't
miss out, can we sign you up today?
Oh, no. You're all right. Thanks.
Right, what is it that's making you
have reservations?
Oh, no. It's a really good offer
and that.
It's just that I'm stuck in a coffin
at the moment.
Hello? Oh, sorry.
For a second I thought you said
you were stuck in a coffin.
No, I am. I'm having
a really bad day, actually.
OK. Well, should we try you later,
after you've had a little think?
Yeah, yeah. All right.
All right. Bye.
Oh, look, if it's Fitness First,
it's definitely a no.
Fitness fucking First?!
I'm going to fucking kill you,
you bellend.
Oh, hiya, Donna.
I'm going to bury you alive.
Funny you should say that.
I'm in the nick and I get to make
one fucking phone call
and I'm using it to tell you
that I'm going to squash your
fucking skull like a watermelon,
you cunt!
Oh, look, Donna, I'm really sorry
about falling asleep on the job,
but I'm stuck in a coffin
at the moment.
Don't give me excuses, you fuck.
Um, I'm going into a tunnel.
Ah Be Oh I
Hiya, Lola. Oh, hi, Mandy.
How are you, my darling?
Eh, yeah. Not, not so bad.
Listen, sorry to be a bother,
but I don't think I'm going to
make my appointment this afternoon.
OK, my darling.
Are you still on for next week?
No, I don't think I'm going to
make that one either.
Look, I've got to go.
OK. Bye. Bye, Lola.
You've been a good friend to me.
I'm still going to have to
charge you the cancellation fee.
All right. Fair enough.
All the best.
"I am the resurrection
and the love," sayeth the Lord.
"He that believeth in me, though
he were dead, yet shall he live."
And whosoever
- "And whosoever liveth"
"And believeth in me
shall never die."
The Lord gave
and the Lord has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
And that's how I got here
and I thought, "I'll call lain Lee."
I've never called
a radio station before.
Ticked something off
the bucket list. Hey,
don't speak like that, Mandy.
It's not too late.
We can still send help. OK?
No, you're all right, lain.
Thing is, if I get out of the
coffin, I'll only go to prison
and Donna Ball said she'd burst
my head like a fucking watermelon.
Yeah. No-no bad language, please.
Watch-watch your language.
Oh, shit. Sorry, lain. No,
I'd rather just go on my own terms.
Oh, Mandy. That's so sad.
It's for the best.
Right. Well, I suppose
if we can learn anything from this,
it's that crime simply doesn't pay.
- Well, this one certainly didn't.
-
Mandy. How can I help you
in your final moments?
What can I do for you?
If you could just play
something peaceful and uplifting,
that'd be nice. OK.
Well, it's not really
a music radio station,
but let me have a little look,
see what we've got on the system.
Thanks, lain.
Ooh! We've got this.
This is perfect.
Mandy, this is for you,
from me.
Bye, lain. Goodbye, Mandy. See you.
Go well, Mandy, go well. Ta-ra.
I'm going to stay with you
right until the very end.
I'm slipping, lain.
I know you're slipping.
Are you still there?
I'm still here.
Is that still you, lain?
Oh, it's still me. Yeah.
Still you? I won't go, Mandy.
I promise.
I'm going now, lain.
OK, go easy.
Oh, I'm still here. OK.
Gosh, this slip is, er
It's a very slow one, isn't it?
And Bye, lain.
..you're still there.
And
I think Mandy's gone.
OK, well, we're coming up to the
lain!
There's a drill down here, I forgot!
Oh, Mandy
Well, you came
and you gave without taking
But I sent you away Oh, Mandy
Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking
And I need you today
Oh, Mandy. ♪
Oh, Mandy
Well, you came
and you gave without taking
But I sent you away
Oh, Mandy
Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking
And I need you today
Oh, Mandy. ♪
And that's why they should be shot.
Controversial stuff from
Ben in Bow, there. Thank you, Ben.
Right, now, I think we've got
a first-time caller on line one.
Who's there?
Caller, you're live on the radio.
Lain? Yes.
Hello? Lain? Yes, I can hear you.
Can you hear me?
Yes. Is that lain?
It is lain. Who's that?
Can I just say, I thought
you were great in the jungle.
Thank you very much.
That's very kind.
What's your name, please, caller?
It's Mandy. Mandy Carter.
Hey, Mandy, nice to talk to you.
Whereabouts are you calling from?
Er, I'm in a coffin, being buried.
Right, OK.
You're in a coffin, being buried.
I've got to say, these wind-up calls
really need to improve a little bit.
No, lain, I wouldn't mind you up.
You sure you're in a coffin?
Yeah. Listen. KNOCKING
Can you hear that?
It sounds like you're in a coffin.
What on Earth are you doing there?
Do you need help? What can I?
Oh, no, ta, lain. Getting out
would more trouble than it's worth.
Why don't you tell me
what's happened?
Well, it all started two days ago
when an old friend wanted to discuss
a job with me in the Red Cow.
Mandy.
Donna.
I've got a job, big one,
and I'm a player short.
I've told you, I'm retired.
The last one was too close.
I'm putting together
the finest line-up
since the Great Railway Robbery.
Railway? They got caught!
It's all reliable people.
Lucy Spatchcock, the NutriBullet.
If there's a way into a bank vault,
she'll crack it.
Tina Sinkhole. Driver. Trustworthy.
And she's got a Volvo.
Wendy Typhoid. The fixer.
There ain't nothing she don't know.
Isn't she the one who went on
Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
and got stuck at £300?
She comes highly recommended.
What do you want me for?
Surveillance.
Someone to be our eyes and our ears.
I told you, I'm retired.
"I told you, I'm retired."
Especially after what happened
on the last job.
ALARM RINGS
Hello? You still there?
Donna? Donna!
You shouldn't have put weight on,
Mandy. I couldn't help it.
There was Japanese Kit Kats
in some of those deposit boxes.
THUMP! I need this!
I've been planning this
for too long.
This thing has got to run
like a Swiss clock.
Now, are you going to do the job?
Yes or no?
No. Yes!
Fuck off, wanker, you're doing it.
Is that from a film?
Sexy Beast. Oh, yeah.
Have I done something to upset you,
Mandy?
What? Have I done something
to upset you?
No, no, course not, Donna.
You're doing the job.
That's the end of it.
Now get me a taxi!
She wanted you to do a robbery?
That's right, lain.
And you said no?
Actually, I said yeah,
but I wasn't really part
of the robbery, I was only lookout.
I had to break into an undertaker's
so I could monitor the guards
in the bank next door.
SHE KNOCKS ON WALL
Who do you think runs this country?
Government. No.
Well, yes, but also
the lizard people. Lizard?
No, not lizards.
Like, lizard people.
I mean, these are like hybrids
of lizards and people.
Like, we know what lizards are.
Lizards are just lizards.
These are like lizard people,
people that have
lizard-y traits.
I've not really I've not
really read too much about it.
It's mainly my own thinking.
This is Broadsword.
This is Broadsword.
Come in, Donna Ball.
Don't use my real name
over the air, Broadsword.
Shit, sorry, Donna.
Are you in position?
Yeah. I'll give you a shout
if they move.
Good girl. Danny Boy out.
Then there's the Queen,
of course. She's another one.
Lizard? Yeah.
A lizard, and like a really
high up lizard as well.
You know, she had Diana killed.
Sway
by Dean Martin
When marimba rhythms
start to play
Dance with me Make me sway
Like a lazy ocean
Hugs the shore
Hold me close Sway me more
Like a flower bending
in the breeze
Bend with me Sway with ease
When we dance
You have a way with me
Stay with me Sway with me
Other dancers may be on the floor
Dear, but my eyes will see
only you
Only you have a magic technique
When we sway I go weak
I can hear the sound of violins
Long before it begins
Make me thrill
as only you know how
Sway me smooth
Sway me now ♪
They're trying to keep it
from people like you,
the little people, the sheeple.
Well, I suppose we'd better have
another once around the vault.
SHE SNORES
DONNA, OVER RADIO: Broadsword?
Broadsword, there's movement.
What is going on?
GUARD, MUFFLED: Hang about.
What's going on here?
Broadsword, what is going on?
- Broadsword. Broadsword! Mandy!
- ALARM BLARES
We've been had! Run, run!
For fuck's sake! Mandy!
You fell asleep in the coffin?
Yeah. Well, I'd had about two pints
of Advocaat, of course I did.
Right. So when did you wake up?
Er, well, I woke up this morning.
God, she's barely recognisable.
Yeah, well, the illness
really took its toll.
What's she wearing
a tool belt for?
Oh, God, she looks terrible.
Oh, God.
RATTLING
Crime Of The Century
by Supertramp
PHONE BEEPS
One, two, three, hup!
CREAKING
THUD
PHONE BEEPS
Hey, Siri, I'm trapped in a coffin.
What do I do?
PHONE BEEPS
I found this on the web.
Hi, guys! Thanks to all of you
so much if you've left a comment,
you've liked or subscribed
to my channel.
Today we're going to be talking
about what to do
if you're trapped in a coffin.
Help!
I'm trapped in a coffin!
Now, first of all, it's really
important you don't panic.
Don't panic! Rr-aa! Ps-hw!
You've got about enough oxygen
to last about 90 minutes.
TICKING, HE SCREAMS
But if you panic, you're going
to use it up too quickly.
CHURCH BELLS RESONATE
To slow down your breathing,
try meditation.
Oo-mm!
Or imagine you're somewhere
peaceful, like a tropical beach.
Or basically just anywhere else
that isn't a coffin.
Stupid little shit.
It's only a cucumber!
Hello, Mandy Carter speaking.
Hi, Mandy.
It's Dani from Fitness First.
Is now a good time to talk?
Er, yeah. Why not?
Great! Well, just to let you know,
our special offer of signing up
without paying the joining fee
is still on. So just so you don't
miss out, can we sign you up today?
Oh, no. You're all right. Thanks.
Right, what is it that's making you
have reservations?
Oh, no. It's a really good offer
and that.
It's just that I'm stuck in a coffin
at the moment.
Hello? Oh, sorry.
For a second I thought you said
you were stuck in a coffin.
No, I am. I'm having
a really bad day, actually.
OK. Well, should we try you later,
after you've had a little think?
Yeah, yeah. All right.
All right. Bye.
Oh, look, if it's Fitness First,
it's definitely a no.
Fitness fucking First?!
I'm going to fucking kill you,
you bellend.
Oh, hiya, Donna.
I'm going to bury you alive.
Funny you should say that.
I'm in the nick and I get to make
one fucking phone call
and I'm using it to tell you
that I'm going to squash your
fucking skull like a watermelon,
you cunt!
Oh, look, Donna, I'm really sorry
about falling asleep on the job,
but I'm stuck in a coffin
at the moment.
Don't give me excuses, you fuck.
Um, I'm going into a tunnel.
Ah Be Oh I
Hiya, Lola. Oh, hi, Mandy.
How are you, my darling?
Eh, yeah. Not, not so bad.
Listen, sorry to be a bother,
but I don't think I'm going to
make my appointment this afternoon.
OK, my darling.
Are you still on for next week?
No, I don't think I'm going to
make that one either.
Look, I've got to go.
OK. Bye. Bye, Lola.
You've been a good friend to me.
I'm still going to have to
charge you the cancellation fee.
All right. Fair enough.
All the best.
"I am the resurrection
and the love," sayeth the Lord.
"He that believeth in me, though
he were dead, yet shall he live."
And whosoever
- "And whosoever liveth"
"And believeth in me
shall never die."
The Lord gave
and the Lord has taken away.
Blessed be the name of the Lord.
And that's how I got here
and I thought, "I'll call lain Lee."
I've never called
a radio station before.
Ticked something off
the bucket list. Hey,
don't speak like that, Mandy.
It's not too late.
We can still send help. OK?
No, you're all right, lain.
Thing is, if I get out of the
coffin, I'll only go to prison
and Donna Ball said she'd burst
my head like a fucking watermelon.
Yeah. No-no bad language, please.
Watch-watch your language.
Oh, shit. Sorry, lain. No,
I'd rather just go on my own terms.
Oh, Mandy. That's so sad.
It's for the best.
Right. Well, I suppose
if we can learn anything from this,
it's that crime simply doesn't pay.
- Well, this one certainly didn't.
-
Mandy. How can I help you
in your final moments?
What can I do for you?
If you could just play
something peaceful and uplifting,
that'd be nice. OK.
Well, it's not really
a music radio station,
but let me have a little look,
see what we've got on the system.
Thanks, lain.
Ooh! We've got this.
This is perfect.
Mandy, this is for you,
from me.
Bye, lain. Goodbye, Mandy. See you.
Go well, Mandy, go well. Ta-ra.
I'm going to stay with you
right until the very end.
I'm slipping, lain.
I know you're slipping.
Are you still there?
I'm still here.
Is that still you, lain?
Oh, it's still me. Yeah.
Still you? I won't go, Mandy.
I promise.
I'm going now, lain.
OK, go easy.
Oh, I'm still here. OK.
Gosh, this slip is, er
It's a very slow one, isn't it?
And Bye, lain.
..you're still there.
And
I think Mandy's gone.
OK, well, we're coming up to the
lain!
There's a drill down here, I forgot!
Oh, Mandy
Well, you came
and you gave without taking
But I sent you away Oh, Mandy
Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking
And I need you today
Oh, Mandy. ♪