McMillan & Wife (1971) s01e06 Episode Script
The Face of Murder
[thunder clapping.]
Then, after the case, no lunch.
Two hours with the Chamber of Commerce, three hours with the Mayor, which leaves very little time to drink and be merry, to say nothing of eating.
Well, darling, you can do all three at the Mayerlings' party.
Peter Childs is catering.
Oh, no, not Crab Rangoon again.
I can't decide which is worse.
His food or him.
Why does he always have to cater to these parties? Well, he's very in.
Very in.
Maybe we'll be lucky.
There might not be any food left.
We're late enough.
Oh, Mac, no.
It looks like we're right on time.
Not another robbery, not tonight.
It wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't always invited.
And then, they're giving food right now.
[men chattering.]
Mr.
Mirian.
This is an outrage! Yes, sir.
I shall issue a formal complaint.
Yes, sir.
Mr.
Mirian, are you the decorator of this house? That is correct.
That includes the installation of the wall safe? I arrange for everything.
I will not tolerate interference.
I cannot even bear suggestions.
Yes, sir, but I would like to ask you a few questions about the installation of the wall safe.
Do these look like the hands of a laborer? I--I arranged for its purchase.
I did not install it.
Thank you, sir.
You can get dressed now.
[men chattering.]
Uh, have you-- have you seen this one? Uh, give me your finger.
[thunder rumbling.]
I call this my one-hand appendectomy knot.
Oh-oh, thank you, Doctor.
Anytime.
Oh, good evening, Commissioner.
Good evening, Enright.
Mrs.
McMillan.
Well, sir, I suppose that you can tell.
I can tell.
Same pattern? Same pattern.
I was also checking the guest list.
Same list? Same list.
What's with your police, Commissioner? I can't go to party in San Francisco without stripping.
You object to that? I'd think some people would be above suspicion.
[thunder rumbling.]
Who is he? Edmond Lake.
Matador.
Amateur.
Oh, that explains it.
You know, when I got here he was chasing a redhead around with a cape, saying that he wanted her ears for a trophy.
If I know Lake, that wasn't the part of her he was after.
There is Frances.
I am gonna talk to her for a minute.
Listen, so we've checked all the guests and managed to insult most of them in the process.
Mmm-hmm.
Frances, I'm so sorry.
How's Carter taking it? You know Carter.
He can't bear to lose anything.
Once a year he makes me take an inventory of everything in the house.
Frances, Carter, we'd like to ask you a few questions, if you're up to it.
I'm not up to it.
I may never be up to anything ever again.
It was a terrible party, even before Frances insisted on opening the safe.
Now, why did you open the safe? To show off her diamond.
Why else? Well, he never lets me wear it.
So at least I can show it off to a few friends.
But when you opened the safe, the diamond was gone? T-t-the case was there, but the diamond was gone.
How many others know the combination to the safe? (Frances) He's the only one.
I don't know why anybody would attempt a theft right in the middle of a party full of people? Our thief likes nothing better than performing before a crowd.
It's part of his style and signature.
This is the worst evening of my life, Frances.
The worst.
Oh, Peter, I thought you catered the Parkins' party.
They were burgled after dinner.
Would you care for hors d'oeuvres, Mrs.
McMillan? No, thank you.
Commissioner? I believe you even missed them.
Yes, we did.
The worst evening in my entire life.
Frances, I'm going home.
The worst evening in his life? (Frances) Come along, Sally.
I want to show you something.
And I want you to tell me that it's wonderful.
I didn't know you had anything left.
Oh, he only took the diamond.
It was just a teeny little thing.
Oh? What do you think of this? Well, uh, I like it.
I don't understand it but I like it.
Oh, I don't understand it.
Carter hates it because he doesn't understand it.
But I don't think you have to understand something to love it.
Don't you agree? Yes, I do.
In this case, I do.
I like it very much.
You stay here.
I am going to introduce you to the sculptor.
John Thomas.
John Thomas.
I want to introduce you to someone.
Sally McMillan, this is John Thomas Clarke.
How do you do? I was just admiring your work.
It's always a pleasure to meet someone who does.
I can see that gleam in your eyes, John Thomas.
Let me caution you.
Don't propose anything unlawful.
Sally's married to our police commissioner.
Well, I must get back to, uh, dear old Carter.
So, you really like my mobile? Yes, I do.
Very much.
Frances doesn't understand it, you know.
She says she loves it, but she doesn't understand it.
I really prefer Carter's attitude.
He says he hates it.
That's because he understands it.
Well, you know, I've always been fascinated by mobiles.
The thing that I don't understand is, how they're done.
You really must, uh, come by my studio one day.
I'll show you exactly how it's done.
I'd love to.
John Thomas? I--I think that woman is calling you.
Where? I have a little trouble with my vision.
Oh, really? You'd never know it from your work.
Oh, well, it's an asset.
I can only see one woman at a time.
You've been here all afternoon installing that hateful mobile.
Now, please, can we not stay all night? Lanthie hates my mobile, that's because she understands it.
Uh, Mrs.
McMillan, I'd like you to meet Eolanthe Simms.
Lanthie, Mrs.
McMillan is interested in art.
Well, you've never introduced me to a woman who wasn't.
[chuckles.]
Come on, John, let's go.
I mean, the whole night has been a flop from beginning to end.
And I've just been absolutely assaulted by a policeman.
Uh, first, go over and tell Frances that you had a good time, and tell her that you are sorry about her diamond.
Well, I had a terrible time, and I'm not sorry about her diamond.
As a matter of fact, I think it was the high point of this whole disastrous evening.
Then lie to her.
You know how you love to do that.
The insurance investigator checked the safe before the party began, sir, and he says that the diamond was still there.
Did you investigate the investigator? Yes, he's all right, sir.
Now, the diamond had to be taken by somebody who was at the party.
I mean, six robberies in seven months? You are right, sir.
We're dealing with a master burglar who loves to perform in public.
All right, let's run down the list again.
Fats Lieberman.
Still in San Quentin.
Massanti.
Still dead.
It always leads right back to the Dutchman.
Hey, darling.
He's the only one who can operate in this manner.
Yes, but, sir, no one's heard from the Dutchman in the last 1 0 years.
We're hearing from him now.
How many of these people were at those other parties? Well, by my accounting, about 65.
It's the favorite after-dinner entertainment of the black-tie circuit.
Only they're laughing less and less.
I really didn't need to hear that.
Well, you're lucky, Commissioner.
At least you won't have to be here in the morning when the Chief has to face the Mayor and the press.
Would you rather be in Palm Springs facing a national convention of police commissioners? Darling, you'll have to face them when you get back anyway.
I really didn't need to hear that, either.
[rain pattering.]
[car engine starting.]
(Mac) Good night, Enright.
(Enright) Good night, have a good trip.
Are you sure you want to play golf your first day here? You're going to play golf, aren't you? Yeah, but you hate golf.
[chuckles.]
But I love you.
Anyway, everybody plays golf in Palm Springs.
It's very in.
Boy, it sure is pretty down there.
[people chattering.]
// //[music playing.]
Mmm, good timing.
Thank you.
(both) Arriba.
Abajo.
Al centro.
A dentro.
Mac.
Mac McMillan.
Freddie O'Neal! You're still dropping your guard.
Good to see you.
How are you? Fine.
What are you doing here? I'm here with Boris Potter, the used car king of LA.
Why, you're looking good.
Oh, Freddie, I'd like you to meet my wife, Sally.
This is Freddie O'Neal.
So you're the little lady that nailed him, huh? I hate to tell you how many tried.
I hate to tell you what they're missing.
(Sally) Nice to meet you, champ.
No, just ex-champ now.
Now I am strictly a golfing buddy.
Hey, there's somebody I want you to meet.
June, come here.
Mac! Hey, it's great to see you again.
How are you? Oh, I am fine.
Uh, uh.
Huh? Uh, y-you remember my wife, Sally.
Oh.
Sure, Mac.
Whatever you say.
Are you game-- Have you met with everybody? Why don't we make it a foursome? Yeah.
Fine.
I'll fix us with the starter.
Uh, sit down.
Hey, Allan, bring them over here, will you? How long are you gonna be here, Freddie? Oh, for a week.
At least that's what the man says.
What man? Boris, the used car king.
Oh, you work for him? Well, in a-- in a manner of speaking.
I golf with him.
Oh, he's your friend.
No, I wouldn't give him the honor of calling him my friend.
I don't think I'm following this conversation.
Haven't you ever heard of a golf bum before? I know a tennis bum.
Is that the same thing? Something like that, yeah.
Except, usually, tennis bums have been champs at tennis.
Now, a golf bum can have been a champ at anything.
I'm a boxing champ, who works the golf circuit.
Works it? Yes, that's right.
I go from watering hole to watering hole.
Wherever a guy is willing to pick up the tab.
For a weekend or a week.
He gets to introduce the champ as his golfing buddy, and I get to stay in the best hotels, plus a little cash on the side.
I do all right.
Oh.
It isn't as degrading as it sounds, really, sweetheart.
I'm a trophy to 'em, I know that.
But they need a trophy, and I need the bread.
We're all set.
Tee-off time.
Oh.
You're still a big knocker? Well, we'll see.
Sounds like hustlers talking to me.
Listen, uh, June and I will give you three strokes a side, we'll adjust it at the end of nine, maybe $200 nassau.
(Freddie) Good.
(Sally) Nice shot, Mac.
Okay, Sally.
Boy! That was fabulous.
I hope mine goes there.
Oh.
Listen, I think I'll walk.
(Mac) Okay.
There's nothing lonelier than the game of golf.
Would you believe she's been taking lessons? Not only that, she's improved.
[both chuckling.]
Hey, I've been readin' about that jewel thief of yours.
Sounds like you got yourself quite an operator.
Yeah, he's good all right.
Have you been able to trace any of the loot? We've checked every known fence and the diamond cutters.
I've just about decided he's cutting them himself.
Right, he could be.
[birds chirping.]
Beautiful.
Nice shot, Mac.
Nice, Freddie.
Very nice.
That's my partner.
Okay, Sally, sock it to them.
I played that just right.
He told me, "Look down.
" I looked down.
"Don't take your eye off the ball.
" I didn't take my eye off the ball.
I kept my arm straight.
I think Sally ought to take an axe with her in there.
You know, thinking about the way your thief loves to perform at parties, he kind of reminds me of the Dutchman.
Remember him? Yeah.
Who is the Dutchman? One of the biggest jewel thieves in Europe, till lnterpol made it too hot for him.
What does he look like? Yeah, if we knew, we'd grab him.
No one's ever even seen a photo of him.
I saw him once.
You did? Yeah.
It was on my triumphant European tour.
I remember thinkin' he looked so young to be doin' so well.
You saw him, huh? Yeah.
Would you recognize him if you saw him again? Why? I think so.
I think I'll pay my wife a visit.
(Freddie) Right.
See you on the green.
Sally.
Oh, Mac, you're gonna love it here.
It's so secluded.
Here, let me show you.
Better stand a little closer.
I am standing close.
Can't get any closer.
Well, the golf pro always does when he teaches me.
I pay for that? Darling, it's worth it.
I couldn't even get into the trees before he began.
Standing so close.
Right.
Okay, now, look.
Like that.
See? Oh, I get it.
Sally.
Yeah.
You know how you've always wanted to show off the new house? Mmm-hmm.
Well, how would you like to give a party? I mean a really posh party.
Invite the prominent.
All 65 of them, and their diamonds.
What are you up to? Oh, nothing.
"Oh, nothing.
" Freddie thinks he might be able to identity the Dutchman.
You're kidding.
Freddie-- Uh, excuse me, have you seen an extra ball around here? No, we haven't.
Oh, okay.
[whispering.]
Do you think he was listening? Let me talk to Freddie about the party.
I'll be right back.
Okay, I'll be here.
[exclaims.]
How's Sally? Oh, she's having a wonderful time.
Say, Freddie, we'd like to give you a party in San Francisco.
Invite some of our well-jeweled friends.
The kind of a party that someone like the Dutchman couldn't resist.
Are you free? Sounds like a ball.
(Sally) Mac, look out! Look out.
My wife, uh, just got out of the rough.
(Mac) Hey, Freddie, you're really gonna love San Francisco.
Yeah? I want you to know you can change your mind any time.
Uh, don't worry about me, baby.
I've been missin' the ring.
I'm ready for a little action.
(masseur) That about does it, Commissioner.
Yeah.
It sure does.
Thanks.
You're welcome, sir.
See you in the shower.
(Freddie) Okay, baby.
Oh, champ, I've been lookin' all over for you.
(Freddie) Oh, hi, Boris, I ran into a buddy.
Yeah? Well, I got a couple of buddies that are just dying to meet you.
So get dressed, and make it quick.
Sorry, Boris, after we get through here, my friend wants me to have a drink with him.
Look I don't care what your friend wants.
I'm the one who's footin' the bills around here.
And it's what I want.
And I want you to get it on down to the clubhouse and meet these guys, champ.
And we can have our drink later on.
No, we'll have it as planned.
Get lost, Boris.
Get yourself another champ.
Now don't you make the mistake of trying to knock on my door later.
I never knocked on your door in the first place, buster.
You did all the knockin'.
There goes your meal ticket.
Who's hungry? [chuckling.]
Since when did you start hanging around with police commissioners, Freddie? Oh, Mac wasn't always one.
He just got to be one somewhere along the line.
Mmm-hmm? How come you? Well, I've met a lot of pe--people in my time and I got a memory for faces.
Oh, I got to tell you, Bull, that's the worst massage I ever had.
How do you keep your job? Just another pretty face.
[groaning.]
Okay, Johnny, take your break now.
Right.
Who is June, Freddie? I thought you knew her.
She sure seemed like she knew you.
That's always happening to me.
I am forever reminding people of someone they think they know.
I hope we didn't talk too much about the Dutchman in front of her.
Can she be trusted? Well, I hope so.
She's the daughter of an LA Police Commissioner.
Oh, that June.
[gun firing.]
Have you any enemies, Freddie? I didn't think so, but that would indicate "yes.
" The sooner I get you into police custody, the better I'll feel.
(Freddie) Usually flying makes me nervous, but today I find it very soothing.
I usually find it soothing, too, but I wish that somebody would tell me what the rush is all about.
It's important to get Freddie to San Francisco as quickly and as safely as possible, that's all.
"That's all.
" You're, uh, you're telling me "that's all," but I know there's more to it.
The reason you're telling me "that's all" is because you don't want to frighten me.
That's right.
Because when I do tell you, it does frighten you.
Somebody's trying to kill us.
No.
Oh, I feel better already.
Somebody's trying to kill me.
Mac.
You're frightened.
Well, why would anybody want to kill Freddie? The Dutchman.
Look at that jerk, will you? Miles of nothing, and he's crowding us.
Hey, Red Baron, whoever you are, you're crowding the air lane.
Watch it! [machine gun firing.]
[firing continues.]
If that's the Dutchman, he really intends to get me.
[machine gun firing.]
(Sally) Mac! Bob's hit! Mac, can you fly this thing? I am gonna try.
Hey, I don't see the Red Baron.
Maybe we lost him when we went through those clouds back there.
Mac, that was first class.
How many lessons have you had? Six.
You did that with six lessons? That's wonderful.
You haven't heard what number seven was.
How to land.
(Mac) Hello? Hello, anyone.
(Mac) Mayday, mayday.
Come in, anyone.
Level her out.
You're killing me.
You came to just in time for lesson number seven.
How do you feel? Not good.
You feel strong enough to land it? (pilot) I think I'm about to black out again.
Before you black out, can you tell me how to land this? I can't.
Call control towers for instructions.
I can't.
The radio's out.
It's sprung a gas leak, too.
I will have to land it somewhere.
There, looks like a good place.
Here, Sally, read me the checklist.
A checklist.
Checklist.
Read the checklist.
"Before starting engine.
Before taxiing.
Before taking off.
" That's the pre-flight check.
Read me the part about landing.
"Climb.
Cruise.
Before landing Oh, here it is, okay.
"Before landing.
" "Gear down locked.
" (Mac) Gear down Iocked.
(Sally) "Green light visual.
" Green light visual.
"Hyd.
pres.
" What's that? (Mac) Uh, hydraulic pressure.
Oh, oh.
Uh, "Gear and systems.
" Pressure is okay.
"Mixtures.
Auto rich.
" Full rich.
Okay.
"Prop controls.
Low pitch.
" Prop control.
Low pitch.
Wow.
You got that good.
Uh, "Flaps one-quarter down.
" Flaps, one-quarter down.
Uh, "No smoking sign up.
" Oh, Sally! You said to read the list.
It's right here on the list.
All right, Sally, that completes it.
Hold tight, everyone.
[alarm buzzing.]
What's that? Red light.
The landing gear's coming back up.
I must have hit the switch when I set the flaps.
Okay.
Landing gear down.
Green light on.
Here we go.
Come on, number seven.
[tires screeching.]
Mac, that was fantastic.
Beautiful job, Mac.
Beautiful.
Phew! Fantastic! Beautiful, Mac, beautiful.
We--we made it? Yeah.
How do you feel? Not any better.
I don't suppose we made it to San Francisco.
Not quite.
Listen, uh, the Commissioner should be back in about two hours.
So you better take a look at this group of characters one more time.
Okay, I'll get right on it, Sarge.
[intercom buzzing.]
Yes, Ann.
(Ann) It's the Commissioner on Line 4.
Thank you.
Hello, sir.
Yes, sir.
What? You landed where? You landed the airplane? But wasn't that dangerous, sir? I will.
Goodbye, sir.
Ann, I want a heli-ambulance to Yorba Linda to pick up a wounded pilot and the Commissioner's party.
I'm gonna need six men to meet them at the San Francisco airport, I want a car for myself, and I want four men to go the Hotel Taylor and make security preparations.
(Ann) Yes, sir.
He landed it himself.
[clicks tongue.]
Now, what about the plane? All we know is that it was a stolen plane, sir, and that they deserted it in the desert.
Well, it ain't much, but it's safe.
[chuckles.]
Sure, baby, that's what my manager said when he arranged my last fight.
You mean, with that kid called Clay? Right.
Well, I'll try not to lead you into a mismatch, Freddie.
Come on, Enright, we got some shopping to do.
What a marvelous dinner.
Here, try this on for dessert.
What is it? Oh, Mac, that's gorgeous.
It fits perfectly.
You've never done anything like this before.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Except, you can't keep it.
It goes back after the party.
I know.
It's just that you've never done anything like this before.
I just Oh, excuse me.
Back later.
Oh, Mildred, come here and see what Mac bought me.
Wow, what a rock.
What'd that set you back, Commissioner? 50 big ones, Mildred.
$50,000? But be careful who you tell it.
We wouldn't want a visit from our local jewel thief.
Might be a little embarrassing.
Got the message, Commissioner.
So, what's the occasion? I didn't miss your birthday, did l, Mrs.
McMillan? No occasion, Mildred.
Boy, you did something that bad, huh, Commissioner? I just happen to love my wife.
Well, sure.
Don't we all? Five.
(both) Four.
(both) Three.
Two.
Contact.
She's calling Agnes.
Then in alphabetical order, Beatrice, Clarissa, Dot, and Elizabeth.
It'll be inside the back door of every home on the hill before midnight.
Oh, would you like to look at our list, how it's coming along so far? Mmm-hmm.
Peter Childs.
What's he doing on the list? You know I hate his food.
Darling, he's the in caterer.
In caterer.
Yes, I know.
You know, he could be the Dutchman.
You know, he's been at all the parties.
And he's always the first to arrive and the last to leave.
But somehow I can't see the Dutchman slaving over a hot kitchen stove.
You've never made Crab Rangoon.
It takes a very light touch.
Okay, I'll put him down.
Right under the surgeon who does a knot with one hand.
Do you think he could be the Dutchman? That's a possibility.
One of the things we know about the Dutchman is, he's very adept with his hands, as is the surgeon.
Well, then you better put down the matador.
Remember what Sgt.
Enright said about how handy he was with the cape? Everybody's suspect.
This party is getting exciting.
I'm going to have to go out and look for a dress.
To go with my ring.
Well, I can't very well go to a party with John Thomas Clarke and his mistress without looking special.
And that's another one.
Clarke.
Think of the dexterity needed to make those mobiles.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
You're just suspicious of everyone who wants to give me lessons.
Yeah, right.
Lessons.
Oh, I'm booked for a golf lesson tomorrow.
That does it.
I'm going to bed before I say something I might regret.
It's early.
You, uh, don't have to come to bed if you don't want to.
Darling, I'm not going to take golf lessons to follow you all around the course, and then not follow you to bed.
[chuckling.]
[Mac exclaims.]
Okay.
Straight back.
Well, I think that's all for today, Mrs.
McMillan.
Tell me, Buck, am I getting any better? No.
I'll see you on Thursday.
Yeah.
Thanks a lot.
All right.
Good, good, Mrs.
Wilson.
Fine.
(man) Mrs.
McMillan? Yeah? [gagging.]
It was found on the windshield of her car, sir.
We also found the car that they used.
It was stolen.
No fingerprints.
We're checking with our underworld contacts, sir, but, again, so far nothing.
I'm afraid we're going to have to treat this Iike any other kidnapping, sir.
We'll just have to wait till they get in touch with us, and then we can set up arrangements for the swap.
If the Dutchman is determined to get me, he will.
Now or later.
And if you ain't careful, it could be me and Sally.
Now, stop worrying about me, will you? I can take care of myself.
But she can't.
Look, Mac, I never backed away from a match in my life.
I want to tangle with the Dutchman.
I was the champ, baby.
You're forgettin' that.
So, that's the way it's gonna be.
Hey, Mac, I'm a free agent.
There ain't no way that you can hold me here.
So you either arrange that swap right now with the Dutchman, or I'm walkin' out of here and makin' my own deal with him.
And you know I can.
I want that lady of yours back where she belongs.
I don't like the company she's keepin' right now.
Oh.
I don't suppose this stuff looks as bad as it tastes.
I know you're there.
I can hear you breathing.
How long is this silent treatment gonna last, anyway? I don't suppose I could reach you with a little, uh I guess not.
You're right.
Why bother to make friends? We have no time.
And I'm gonna be out of here by tomorrow anyway, right? Right? Hello.
Thanks, Freddie.
[car engine starting.]
[tires screeching.]
[siren wailing.]
(Enright) Is the policeman who accidentally shot O'Neal on suspension, Commissioner? (Mac) Yes, he is.
(news reporter) Mrs.
McMillan, I know how you must feel, but would you mind giving us a statement? I didn't see anything.
I was blindfolded the whole time.
They had, uh, uh, those stocking things over their heads when they kidnapped me.
But how--how many men were there? (woman) Mrs.
McMillan? I don't know.
Two, uh, two, uh, in the car Mrs.
McMillan? I don't know, Mac.
I don't know.
Can't we just go home? I don't wanna answer anymore.
Yes, of course.
Is it true that Freddie O'Neal was your only lead in all these recent jewel thefts? Yes, it's true.
I'll give you a statement in a minute.
Honey, um The Mayor insists I make a full report.
Why don't you go on home? I'll join you as soon as I can.
Can we ask her just a few more questions? Not now, not now, she's exhausted.
Take her home, Tom.
[car engine starting.]
Uh, what about O'Neal? Did he agree to the swap or was he forced into it? He insisted on it, gentlemen.
Wait a minute, Commissioner.
We still don't-- And so, a stray bullet by a policeman, in the tragic confusion of the swap for Mrs.
Sally McMillan, cost the battling Irishman, Freddie O 'Neal, his life.
But we repeat, Police Commissioner McMillan 's wife has been safely returned.
(newscaster) Thank you, George, for your on-the-spot report.
Tonight, a tribute to a real champion, this station is proud to present highlights of Freddie O 'Neal's boxing career.
This was Freddie's first match, professional, against Kid Larson.
He won by a knockout on the fifth round and established himself as a major contender.
Within a period of six years, Freddie O 'Neal had fought 14 main events.
Hello, Mildred.
How is she? I gave her a double shot of hot milk and a little sleeping pill.
Something ought to work.
(newscaster) Freddie's fans will remember his bout with Dick Armstrong, when he scored a spectacular knockout in the seventh round and earned him the shot of the middleweight championship.
[people cheering.]
He shocked the boxing world by defeating Hell Stenson for the middleweight championship.
This fighting Irishman had a heart of gold and a helping hand for any friend in need.
He had great confidence in the young people of today.
Whenever he wasn 't in training Sally.
Ann, try Mrs.
McMillan for me again will you, please? (Ann) I just did, sir.
The line's still busy.
And that's with two phones in the house.
She slept all night.
She's been talking all morning.
I haven't had a chance to talk to her.
Keep trying, Ann.
Oh, thank you so much.
Uh, if you'll give me your number, maybe I could call you as soon as the arrangements have been made.
All right.
Thank you very much, sir.
Goodbye.
[sighs.]
More telegrams.
How many people do you suppose the lrishman knew? Incredible.
Who do you suppose they all are? What do they do? Well, this one is signed Sugar Lalure.
I can guess what she does.
You think they all will be at the funeral? Well, sure, everybody loves a fighter.
There aren't many left today.
Poor Freddie.
He certainly did die the way he lived.
I wish there was something I could do for him.
To really thank him.
Well, he'll have a nice funeral.
And that's all any lrishman asks of life.
Mildred, that's it.
We're going to have a wake.
A real lrish wake.
And we're gonna invite all of Freddie's friends.
All of them? Even Sugar Lalure? All of them.
They were all friends of Freddie's and he would want them there.
Listen, Mrs.
McMillan, I've spotted some pretty well-known gamblers in there and some out and out gangsters.
Well, any friend of Freddie's Oh, sure.
Commissioner McMillan, please.
Well, we're not gonna put out that silver we polished.
Oh, yes, we are.
It's gonna be a very elegant wake.
[buzzing.]
Yes, Ann.
Mrs.
McMillan on three.
Thank you.
Hi, honey.
Hi, Mac.
You wouldn't believe the telephone calls and the telegrams we've had about Freddie.
How are you? Okay? I'm gonna be fine, especially now.
I've come up with a lovely idea for Freddie.
Oh? Mac, we're gonna have a wake for Freddie.
A real lrish wake.
And we're gonna have it at our house, and we're gonna invite all of his friends.
What do you think? Don't say no.
Oh, uh, no, l--I was just, uh You haven't really met any of his friends, you know.
I know, but I've talked to most of them on the phone.
The phone hasn't stopped ringing all day.
Please, Mac.
Well, then, it's not a bad idea.
It's a good idea.
Go ahead, begin making plans.
Freddie deserves the best.
Thanks, Mac.
I'll be right home.
I have something very important to tell you.
And, Sally, I think it's a great idea.
I knew you'd be pleased, Mac.
Bye.
We may get our shot at the Dutchman, after all.
How's that, sir? We're going to have a wake for Freddie O'Neal.
Oh.
A wake? That's where the casket is open, isn't it? Yes, I know.
Would you please stop crying, Mr.
Tippalino? All right, Tippy.
I know.
It was a great loss for all of us.
Y-y-your brother.
Yes, you know, I had that same feeling myself.
Hi, darling.
Hi.
No, no, no, I wasn't, I was, uh, um Your cousins felt the same way, too? Oh.
Well, sure, we'd be glad to have them.
Here, let me put it down, okay.
Thanks a lot.
All right.
It was an honor talking to you, too.
Okay, Tippy.
Bye-bye.
Tippy? Were you talking to Louie Tippalino, the restaurant owner? He is such a sweet man.
He is the biggest crook in town.
Why isn't he in jail? That's how crooked he is.
He makes it look legal.
But I had to invite him to Freddie's wake.
He sent such a sweet wire.
Look, about the guest list.
Why don't we invite the people we were going to invite to Freddie's party, too? How do you like that? That would be a fabulous idea.
Freddie would have liked that.
You know, also I think it'll add a little class to our wake.
That's just the way he put it.
Our wake could use a little He put it? What? When? Why don't you sit down, Sally, and I'll pour you a drink? I don't wanna sit down and I certainly don't want a drink.
Freddie's alive.
I think I'll sit down.
And I'll pour you a drink.
I think I'll drink it.
What do you mean Freddie's alive? Our men were using blanks.
The whole thing was staged to make it look real.
How could you do that? It was a terrible thing to put you through, Sally, but I had to.
Couldn't you trust me enough to have let me in on it? If I'd known where you were, I'd have phoned you.
You always let me in on everything.
You could have given me a signal, in the alley.
You could have winked.
Oh, sure.
See, it had to be a perfect performance to fool the Dutchman.
And he was out there somewhere, watching.
You, Freddie, me, all of us.
I couldn't risk it after what you'd been through.
And the only way to keep Freddie alive was to convince the Dutchman that Freddie was dead.
I can understand that.
Where is Freddie now? Safe.
Out of sight and under police protection.
And looking forward to the wake more than anybody.
With the exception for the Dutchman.
Is he gonna be there? Well, that's what we're counting on.
We'll have mourners wearing diamonds of every shape and size, begged, borrowed, and stolen, probably.
With Freddie playing dead and identifying the Dutchman at the same time? Mac.
We could do it, and we're counting on you, too.
Oh, now that I know Freddie is alive, I'll be fine.
Sorry I got so upset before.
Oh, I can understand that.
Come on.
Oh, Mac, I think have come up with a clue myself.
Yeah? Of course, I couldn't see or hear anything when--when I was hostage, but I could taste, and they fed me a stew that was so awful that if she ever cooked for me again, I know that I could spot her.
She? Why do you say "she"? Why do I say "she"? Why do I say "she"? I don't know.
You're the one who said it.
What are you doing? I'm sniffing.
Well, I can tell you're sniffing, but why are you sniffing? [sniffing.]
Perfume.
There was perfume everywhere they took me.
That's why I said "she.
" Mac, that's it.
The Dutchman is a Dutchwoman.
It's a possibility.
Could you recognize that perfume? Odor, please, odor.
It's unforgettable.
I'll tell you another thing.
I was very discreet when I was sniffing.
I remember being very discreet.
I'm almost sure that no one knew that I was sniffing.
Aren't you proud of me? I've cracked the case.
Yeah, it's a beginning.
Your real work comes tomorrow night when you have to sniff your way through that wake.
Oh, I can't wait to get a look at that woman that would wear that kind of perfume.
Oh, her escorts must be drugged by the end of the evening.
Maybe that's her technique.
How would you like to see a little bit of my technique? [chuckles.]
Okay? Okay.
Are you? [exclaims.]
Let's see.
Oh, it looks so confining.
Well, it's soft.
How about one for the road, Freddie? Oh, yeah.
Think you could figure some way to slip me a couple of these while I'm on the road? [laughs.]
Oh, this is something I never thought I'd see.
Well, it ain't bad.
A lot more comfortable than some beds I've been in.
I think you look cute.
I bet you say that to all the corpses.
She does.
Except this is the first time a corpse has talked back.
Are you really comfortable, Freddie? Yeah, except I don't know why I had to come in formals.
(Sally) Oh, that was my idea.
Lie down.
I'm a little nervous about that mirror.
Oh, I think it's great.
I can see practically the whole room here.
Sure.
Practically the whole room can see you.
What if they catch you breathing? The flowers are to put all over the top.
I'm going to take these candelabra and put them close so people can't get close.
Good idea.
I counted the silver, and I'm gonna count it again when the evening is over.
Here, Sally.
Got you.
Ready, Freddie? [laughs.]
I hope you're not allergic.
You can't call me canvas-back now.
[Sally chuckling.]
This is one fight you lost.
Here you go.
What do you think? (Freddie) Do I get up when the bell rings? (Sally) You know what? I think it's gonna work.
I can't even tell he's breathing.
[people chattering.]
Dreadful house.
I don't know which I despise more, the exterior or the interior.
I don't mind the house so much as I do the people.
It's a whole new breed of parasites.
Funeral crashing.
[continue chattering.]
[sniffing.]
[inhales.]
Any luck? Not yet.
Watch it, I can see your lips moving.
[sobbing.]
I still don't think this is such a good idea, boss.
I mean, the Police Commissioner's own home.
I'd risk anything for Freddie O'Neal.
Yeah? I ain't never met no lrishman, alive or dead, worth going to jail for.
I have never seen so much drinking at a party for a live person.
Is this your first wake? And my last.
I'm going to be cremated.
Oh, ladies, be sure and try the Crab Rangoon.
And, you there, speed it up with the coffee.
[sniffing.]
Commissioner, I'd like to take several of these characters in for questioning right now.
I know what you mean, Enright.
////[man singing.]
He looks almost as good dead as he did alive.
He looks better.
[continues singing.]
I'll take that.
What? That carving set up your sleeve? Oh, I'm with the catering service.
I'm with the Police Commissioner.
[cutlery clinking.]
[people chattering.]
Who was he, anyway? I have no idea.
You're the one that accepted the invitation.
It's me.
Oh, hi, Mildred.
Here lies a man who says he never threw a fight.
To Freddie O'Neal, a fake and a fraud.
Uh, what's your name? Enright, ma'am.
"Enright, ma'am.
" Oh, that's a beautiful name.
I really like that name.
// He was born and raised in lreland // // in a place called Castlemaine // [all chattering.]
[hiccupping.]
Are you getting smashed? No.
You're fogging up the mirror.
Any luck? Still sniffing.
But you're ready.
You're ready.
Who needs Las Vegas, you name it-- Hey, Mac.
Mac, remember when you said any time I need a favor? Listen, you're really ready.
And I don't want to coerce you.
[sighs.]
If I snap my fingers-- Listen to him.
Why don't you gentlemen have a drink in the bar? Anything you say, Commissioner.
Excuse me, but, uh, where do I know you from? Well, I have been working on this picture at Universal.
This party is worse than yours.
I agree.
Mrs.
McMillan.
Sally, you really must do something about that cold.
Oh, Frances, it's just one of those 24-hour bugs.
I'm sure it'll be gone tomorrow.
// which brought him to the ground // // And turning round to Davis // // he received a fatal wound // // A bullet pierced his brave young heart //// Well, Frances, a familiar face.
Thank goodness.
Isn't this the most ghastly party you've ever been in? And the people here You know, there's this one dreadful woman who goes around sniffing.
Has she sniffed you? Um, yes.
Well, you know, anytime you accept an invitation to a police commissioner's home, you have to be very careful.
[chuckling.]
[women laughing.]
Mrs.
McMillan.
It's the beams.
I never hoped I'd be lucky enough to find my hostess in all of this.
She's the hostess in this thing? Lanthie.
Oh, that's okay.
I agree with Miss Simms.
This is a terrible party.
Well, not really, as wakes go.
Well, couldn't we go, John? Uh, you'll have to forgive Lanthie.
She's not at her best at parties.
Or anywhere else, for that matter.
Bull, I think you forgot one thing.
Always living in the past, Lanthie.
I, uh, hope you haven't lost your interest in mobiles, Mrs.
McMillan.
I'd love you to come to my studio tomorrow, if you can get away.
I wish I could get away right now.
Well, I think we could arrange that, too.
Oh, uh, uh, tomorrow would be fine.
Good.
Shall we say about noon, then? Fine.
Bye.
Now, watch.
Doctor, you're not doing your good old one-handed knot trick again, are you? But this gentleman begged me to show it to him, Commissioner.
He did.
[woman screaming.]
Did I hurt you, fella? [woman yelling.]
What's the matter? My earrings are gone.
How could they be, Frances? Your ears are pierced.
You're telling me! [crying.]
I told you this was a bad idea.
Okay, let's blow.
(Mac) Hold it, everybody! Hold it, everybody! Enright, lock the doors.
All right now.
Wait just a minute.
All right, everybody.
The ladies will go upstairs, please.
The gentlemen will stay down here.
We know the procedure, Commissioner.
Mac, what is the procedure? Procedure? After a fruitless search and dismal failure and after the Dutchman has been victorious again, we are going to get smashed.
[glasses clinking.]
(newscaster on TV) San Francisco's master jewel thief struck again last night.
And this time at the home of Police Commissioner Stewart McMillan.
Stolen was a pair of earrings valued at $100, 000, removed from the pierced ears of Mrs.
Frances Mayerling, wife of the famed financier, Carter Mayerling.
The heist took place at the wake of battling, Freddie O 'Neal, accidentally gunned down by police as he was being exchanged for the kidnapped wife of the Police Commissioner.
A search of all the guests proved futile, and San Francisco 's mysterious jewel thief has been successful once again.
(Mac) G reat pictu re.
Who tu rned that on? I think it's been on all night.
[clock ticking.]
[clock stops ticking.]
Oh, that's better.
(Mildred) I'll set it later.
Uh, uh, should I bring either of you, you'll pardon the expression, something to eat? Oh, that's where the icepack is.
I was bringing it to you.
Oh, never mind.
I think if I just sit down, that--that ought to do it.
[sighs.]
Oh.
Uh, l--I was watching the late show.
E-excuse me.
Goodbye, Doc.
Good heavens, I'm late for surgery.
Who was that? Just another guest who didn't know when to leave.
[groaning.]
Oh, I'm never giving another party.
I can't get that clock into focus.
I can't even get you in focus.
I wonder what time it is.
[groans.]
I told John Thomas Clarke that I'd drop by the studio for a lesson in mechanical mobiles at 1 2:00.
The way your hands are shaking? Well, it's modern art, Mildred.
I think shaking hands could be an asset.
First, you've got a morning of sniffing ahead of you.
Oh, Mac, even my nose has a hangover.
I'm sorry, Sally, but your nose is the only clue we've got.
[sniffing.]
No, this isn't it.
Madam, if you could just be a little more specific.
Well, that's all I can tell you.
You know, you've already sniffed $30 worth.
Mac? (Mac) Did you find it? No, darling.
Could you please pay this lady $30? Oh, hi, Mac.
Hi.
Oh, well, seeing it's you, we're such old friends.
No charge.
Has she always been this reasonable? Uh, no, well, at least I'm sorry.
This is very new and quite unique.
Uh, I'm not the regular girl here, you know.
No, this isn't it.
But it's very nice.
Do you have anything else? Uh, uh, just a moment.
Here, try these.
Oh.
This is very unusual.
Here.
This is it? No.
What's this called? Oh, dear.
That's my medicine.
You know, maybe I should try to find you somebody with a little bit more experience.
Um, if you could just describe to someone who knew exactly what she wanted.
Uh, just a moment, please.
Isn't she cute? I like her.
Yeah.
But she does seem a little incompetent.
I know, but I like her because she doesn't know you.
Can I help you? I Oh.
Hi, Mac.
Ah, yes, what we wanted was someone with a little more experience.
May I help you, sir? Oh! Hello, Mac, it's nice to see you again.
Oh, no, no.
That's not for you, honey.
Why don't you try some of this, huh? I don't think we'll find anything here, Mac.
Wait a minute.
What is it? This is it, this is the odor.
That's a man's cologne.
I know.
That's what's so strange.
I thought it was a perfume but it turns out it was a cologne.
I'll take that, please.
Charge it.
We're on to something.
[knocking on door.]
Freddie.
Freddie, wake up.
Wake up.
Oh, hi, Mac.
I wish I were dead.
I don't think I can live through another wake.
Here, smell this.
Now you want me to smell like Bull Dunham? Bull uses this cologne, doesn't he? He did that day at the Springs.
Do you know where he's staying while he's in the city? He said he was at Rocky's.
Rocky's Gym? Uh, uh, Mac, is that the--the smell that Sally was looking for? Yeah, I think so.
You think Bull's the Dutchman? No, he's not that bright, but he could be working for the Dutchman or something.
I'm going to Rocky's.
You know, if--if Bull thinks that you're pumping him, you just forget how to talk.
I'm going to tell him how thoughtful you were to remember him in your will.
That bum? After he insulted me at my own wake? [groans.]
Freddie thought a lot of you, Bull.
Oh, the poor guy.
One of the last things he said was he wanted to give you his boxing gloves.
The first pair he ever used.
He wanted to give 'em to me? Yeah? Yeah.
I'll mail them to you down at the Springs.
Yes, swell.
I'll hang them on the wall in the massage room.
Uh, put a picture of Freddie up there, too.
Hey, Freddie would like that.
I'm gonna miss that bum.
We all are.
Nice cologne, Bull.
Hey, lower your voice, will you? I've been taking enough razzing from bums in here about this smell.
No, I like it.
You do? Yeah, where can I buy some? I don't know.
If you want some, I'll ask Mr.
Clarke where he gets it.
Mr.
Clarke? You know, that sculptor guy.
Oh, John Thomas Clarke.
Oh.
Present? The last time he was at the Springs, he just brought it down.
When was that, Bull? The same time you [stammers.]
What is it you want, anyway, Mr.
Commissioner? You know, l One of the first things I want is to put you under arrest, Bull.
[grunting.]
Hey, nice swing, fella.
Got a manager? All you need-- All I need is a phone.
[hissing.]
[knocking on door.]
Come on in.
The door is open.
[door opens.]
Mrs.
McMillan.
Welcome.
Hi.
How are you? The artist at work, I see.
Well, I'm afraid it's a little more than a trade these days.
Created by the demands of the marketplace.
Art is nothing but a business.
Well, a very good one for you.
This is a fantastic studio.
Yes, it is very well equipped.
How do you like my latest monstrosity? Electrically run.
I call it Cycle of Life.
The title alone doubles the price.
[sniffs.]
You like my cologne? Yes.
Do you know that I have been looking for that scent for my husband? Isn't it a coincidence that you happen to have it on? Uh And last night at the wake, were you looking for it then, too? Last night? Lanthie told me you were sniffing all evening.
I assumed you had a cold.
Now I realize you didn't.
No, I do.
[sneezes.]
I thought it was one of those 24-hour things, you know.
But I guess I'm gonna have it for a while.
Maybe I better go before I expose you, you know.
Oh, Mrs.
McMillan, I suspect I'm already exposed.
You're the Dutchman.
I'm the Dutchman.
Uh, uh How do you do it? I mean-- I mean, wh-what with all those detectives Iooking at the safe and everything.
Illusion, my dear, like my mobiles.
You think you see something when you don't.
No one saw me take the diamond at the party because I didn't.
I took it just before the party, when I came to install the mobile.
But society creates its own heroes.
Everyone wanted to believe I could open a safe in full view of a crowd.
That excited them tremendously and so they believed it.
Oh.
Mac! Mac! [grunting.]
[screams.]
Sally.
Mac.
[groans.]
Mac, the Dutchman.
Look.
How are you? Fine.
I'd like to shake hands with-- I know what you mean.
My hands were bandaged for a month after my fight with Stonehead Kelly.
Oh, yeah? Stonehead Kelly? That's how I got the bandages.
You better give me a big hug, Freddie, 'cause I think my hands are gonna be out of action for the next couple of weeks.
Uh, may l? [car horn honking.]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I think that's my cab.
We're gonna miss you, Freddie.
Have a good time in Waikiki.
Oh, I will.
I've spent several weeks on the cuff with Mugsy.
He's first class.
It ain't such a bad life, sweetheart.
Dropped your guard again? [chuckling.]
Stay well now.
Bye, Freddie.
Aloha.
(Freddie) Bye.
Isn't Freddie great? We're really gonna miss him.
Did you really mean that, about my being out of action for weeks? Well, Mac, it is a little tricky with bandages on your hands.
Mmm-hmm.
Look, Ma, no hands.
Looks good.
Mmm-hmm.
Then, after the case, no lunch.
Two hours with the Chamber of Commerce, three hours with the Mayor, which leaves very little time to drink and be merry, to say nothing of eating.
Well, darling, you can do all three at the Mayerlings' party.
Peter Childs is catering.
Oh, no, not Crab Rangoon again.
I can't decide which is worse.
His food or him.
Why does he always have to cater to these parties? Well, he's very in.
Very in.
Maybe we'll be lucky.
There might not be any food left.
We're late enough.
Oh, Mac, no.
It looks like we're right on time.
Not another robbery, not tonight.
It wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't always invited.
And then, they're giving food right now.
[men chattering.]
Mr.
Mirian.
This is an outrage! Yes, sir.
I shall issue a formal complaint.
Yes, sir.
Mr.
Mirian, are you the decorator of this house? That is correct.
That includes the installation of the wall safe? I arrange for everything.
I will not tolerate interference.
I cannot even bear suggestions.
Yes, sir, but I would like to ask you a few questions about the installation of the wall safe.
Do these look like the hands of a laborer? I--I arranged for its purchase.
I did not install it.
Thank you, sir.
You can get dressed now.
[men chattering.]
Uh, have you-- have you seen this one? Uh, give me your finger.
[thunder rumbling.]
I call this my one-hand appendectomy knot.
Oh-oh, thank you, Doctor.
Anytime.
Oh, good evening, Commissioner.
Good evening, Enright.
Mrs.
McMillan.
Well, sir, I suppose that you can tell.
I can tell.
Same pattern? Same pattern.
I was also checking the guest list.
Same list? Same list.
What's with your police, Commissioner? I can't go to party in San Francisco without stripping.
You object to that? I'd think some people would be above suspicion.
[thunder rumbling.]
Who is he? Edmond Lake.
Matador.
Amateur.
Oh, that explains it.
You know, when I got here he was chasing a redhead around with a cape, saying that he wanted her ears for a trophy.
If I know Lake, that wasn't the part of her he was after.
There is Frances.
I am gonna talk to her for a minute.
Listen, so we've checked all the guests and managed to insult most of them in the process.
Mmm-hmm.
Frances, I'm so sorry.
How's Carter taking it? You know Carter.
He can't bear to lose anything.
Once a year he makes me take an inventory of everything in the house.
Frances, Carter, we'd like to ask you a few questions, if you're up to it.
I'm not up to it.
I may never be up to anything ever again.
It was a terrible party, even before Frances insisted on opening the safe.
Now, why did you open the safe? To show off her diamond.
Why else? Well, he never lets me wear it.
So at least I can show it off to a few friends.
But when you opened the safe, the diamond was gone? T-t-the case was there, but the diamond was gone.
How many others know the combination to the safe? (Frances) He's the only one.
I don't know why anybody would attempt a theft right in the middle of a party full of people? Our thief likes nothing better than performing before a crowd.
It's part of his style and signature.
This is the worst evening of my life, Frances.
The worst.
Oh, Peter, I thought you catered the Parkins' party.
They were burgled after dinner.
Would you care for hors d'oeuvres, Mrs.
McMillan? No, thank you.
Commissioner? I believe you even missed them.
Yes, we did.
The worst evening in my entire life.
Frances, I'm going home.
The worst evening in his life? (Frances) Come along, Sally.
I want to show you something.
And I want you to tell me that it's wonderful.
I didn't know you had anything left.
Oh, he only took the diamond.
It was just a teeny little thing.
Oh? What do you think of this? Well, uh, I like it.
I don't understand it but I like it.
Oh, I don't understand it.
Carter hates it because he doesn't understand it.
But I don't think you have to understand something to love it.
Don't you agree? Yes, I do.
In this case, I do.
I like it very much.
You stay here.
I am going to introduce you to the sculptor.
John Thomas.
John Thomas.
I want to introduce you to someone.
Sally McMillan, this is John Thomas Clarke.
How do you do? I was just admiring your work.
It's always a pleasure to meet someone who does.
I can see that gleam in your eyes, John Thomas.
Let me caution you.
Don't propose anything unlawful.
Sally's married to our police commissioner.
Well, I must get back to, uh, dear old Carter.
So, you really like my mobile? Yes, I do.
Very much.
Frances doesn't understand it, you know.
She says she loves it, but she doesn't understand it.
I really prefer Carter's attitude.
He says he hates it.
That's because he understands it.
Well, you know, I've always been fascinated by mobiles.
The thing that I don't understand is, how they're done.
You really must, uh, come by my studio one day.
I'll show you exactly how it's done.
I'd love to.
John Thomas? I--I think that woman is calling you.
Where? I have a little trouble with my vision.
Oh, really? You'd never know it from your work.
Oh, well, it's an asset.
I can only see one woman at a time.
You've been here all afternoon installing that hateful mobile.
Now, please, can we not stay all night? Lanthie hates my mobile, that's because she understands it.
Uh, Mrs.
McMillan, I'd like you to meet Eolanthe Simms.
Lanthie, Mrs.
McMillan is interested in art.
Well, you've never introduced me to a woman who wasn't.
[chuckles.]
Come on, John, let's go.
I mean, the whole night has been a flop from beginning to end.
And I've just been absolutely assaulted by a policeman.
Uh, first, go over and tell Frances that you had a good time, and tell her that you are sorry about her diamond.
Well, I had a terrible time, and I'm not sorry about her diamond.
As a matter of fact, I think it was the high point of this whole disastrous evening.
Then lie to her.
You know how you love to do that.
The insurance investigator checked the safe before the party began, sir, and he says that the diamond was still there.
Did you investigate the investigator? Yes, he's all right, sir.
Now, the diamond had to be taken by somebody who was at the party.
I mean, six robberies in seven months? You are right, sir.
We're dealing with a master burglar who loves to perform in public.
All right, let's run down the list again.
Fats Lieberman.
Still in San Quentin.
Massanti.
Still dead.
It always leads right back to the Dutchman.
Hey, darling.
He's the only one who can operate in this manner.
Yes, but, sir, no one's heard from the Dutchman in the last 1 0 years.
We're hearing from him now.
How many of these people were at those other parties? Well, by my accounting, about 65.
It's the favorite after-dinner entertainment of the black-tie circuit.
Only they're laughing less and less.
I really didn't need to hear that.
Well, you're lucky, Commissioner.
At least you won't have to be here in the morning when the Chief has to face the Mayor and the press.
Would you rather be in Palm Springs facing a national convention of police commissioners? Darling, you'll have to face them when you get back anyway.
I really didn't need to hear that, either.
[rain pattering.]
[car engine starting.]
(Mac) Good night, Enright.
(Enright) Good night, have a good trip.
Are you sure you want to play golf your first day here? You're going to play golf, aren't you? Yeah, but you hate golf.
[chuckles.]
But I love you.
Anyway, everybody plays golf in Palm Springs.
It's very in.
Boy, it sure is pretty down there.
[people chattering.]
// //[music playing.]
Mmm, good timing.
Thank you.
(both) Arriba.
Abajo.
Al centro.
A dentro.
Mac.
Mac McMillan.
Freddie O'Neal! You're still dropping your guard.
Good to see you.
How are you? Fine.
What are you doing here? I'm here with Boris Potter, the used car king of LA.
Why, you're looking good.
Oh, Freddie, I'd like you to meet my wife, Sally.
This is Freddie O'Neal.
So you're the little lady that nailed him, huh? I hate to tell you how many tried.
I hate to tell you what they're missing.
(Sally) Nice to meet you, champ.
No, just ex-champ now.
Now I am strictly a golfing buddy.
Hey, there's somebody I want you to meet.
June, come here.
Mac! Hey, it's great to see you again.
How are you? Oh, I am fine.
Uh, uh.
Huh? Uh, y-you remember my wife, Sally.
Oh.
Sure, Mac.
Whatever you say.
Are you game-- Have you met with everybody? Why don't we make it a foursome? Yeah.
Fine.
I'll fix us with the starter.
Uh, sit down.
Hey, Allan, bring them over here, will you? How long are you gonna be here, Freddie? Oh, for a week.
At least that's what the man says.
What man? Boris, the used car king.
Oh, you work for him? Well, in a-- in a manner of speaking.
I golf with him.
Oh, he's your friend.
No, I wouldn't give him the honor of calling him my friend.
I don't think I'm following this conversation.
Haven't you ever heard of a golf bum before? I know a tennis bum.
Is that the same thing? Something like that, yeah.
Except, usually, tennis bums have been champs at tennis.
Now, a golf bum can have been a champ at anything.
I'm a boxing champ, who works the golf circuit.
Works it? Yes, that's right.
I go from watering hole to watering hole.
Wherever a guy is willing to pick up the tab.
For a weekend or a week.
He gets to introduce the champ as his golfing buddy, and I get to stay in the best hotels, plus a little cash on the side.
I do all right.
Oh.
It isn't as degrading as it sounds, really, sweetheart.
I'm a trophy to 'em, I know that.
But they need a trophy, and I need the bread.
We're all set.
Tee-off time.
Oh.
You're still a big knocker? Well, we'll see.
Sounds like hustlers talking to me.
Listen, uh, June and I will give you three strokes a side, we'll adjust it at the end of nine, maybe $200 nassau.
(Freddie) Good.
(Sally) Nice shot, Mac.
Okay, Sally.
Boy! That was fabulous.
I hope mine goes there.
Oh.
Listen, I think I'll walk.
(Mac) Okay.
There's nothing lonelier than the game of golf.
Would you believe she's been taking lessons? Not only that, she's improved.
[both chuckling.]
Hey, I've been readin' about that jewel thief of yours.
Sounds like you got yourself quite an operator.
Yeah, he's good all right.
Have you been able to trace any of the loot? We've checked every known fence and the diamond cutters.
I've just about decided he's cutting them himself.
Right, he could be.
[birds chirping.]
Beautiful.
Nice shot, Mac.
Nice, Freddie.
Very nice.
That's my partner.
Okay, Sally, sock it to them.
I played that just right.
He told me, "Look down.
" I looked down.
"Don't take your eye off the ball.
" I didn't take my eye off the ball.
I kept my arm straight.
I think Sally ought to take an axe with her in there.
You know, thinking about the way your thief loves to perform at parties, he kind of reminds me of the Dutchman.
Remember him? Yeah.
Who is the Dutchman? One of the biggest jewel thieves in Europe, till lnterpol made it too hot for him.
What does he look like? Yeah, if we knew, we'd grab him.
No one's ever even seen a photo of him.
I saw him once.
You did? Yeah.
It was on my triumphant European tour.
I remember thinkin' he looked so young to be doin' so well.
You saw him, huh? Yeah.
Would you recognize him if you saw him again? Why? I think so.
I think I'll pay my wife a visit.
(Freddie) Right.
See you on the green.
Sally.
Oh, Mac, you're gonna love it here.
It's so secluded.
Here, let me show you.
Better stand a little closer.
I am standing close.
Can't get any closer.
Well, the golf pro always does when he teaches me.
I pay for that? Darling, it's worth it.
I couldn't even get into the trees before he began.
Standing so close.
Right.
Okay, now, look.
Like that.
See? Oh, I get it.
Sally.
Yeah.
You know how you've always wanted to show off the new house? Mmm-hmm.
Well, how would you like to give a party? I mean a really posh party.
Invite the prominent.
All 65 of them, and their diamonds.
What are you up to? Oh, nothing.
"Oh, nothing.
" Freddie thinks he might be able to identity the Dutchman.
You're kidding.
Freddie-- Uh, excuse me, have you seen an extra ball around here? No, we haven't.
Oh, okay.
[whispering.]
Do you think he was listening? Let me talk to Freddie about the party.
I'll be right back.
Okay, I'll be here.
[exclaims.]
How's Sally? Oh, she's having a wonderful time.
Say, Freddie, we'd like to give you a party in San Francisco.
Invite some of our well-jeweled friends.
The kind of a party that someone like the Dutchman couldn't resist.
Are you free? Sounds like a ball.
(Sally) Mac, look out! Look out.
My wife, uh, just got out of the rough.
(Mac) Hey, Freddie, you're really gonna love San Francisco.
Yeah? I want you to know you can change your mind any time.
Uh, don't worry about me, baby.
I've been missin' the ring.
I'm ready for a little action.
(masseur) That about does it, Commissioner.
Yeah.
It sure does.
Thanks.
You're welcome, sir.
See you in the shower.
(Freddie) Okay, baby.
Oh, champ, I've been lookin' all over for you.
(Freddie) Oh, hi, Boris, I ran into a buddy.
Yeah? Well, I got a couple of buddies that are just dying to meet you.
So get dressed, and make it quick.
Sorry, Boris, after we get through here, my friend wants me to have a drink with him.
Look I don't care what your friend wants.
I'm the one who's footin' the bills around here.
And it's what I want.
And I want you to get it on down to the clubhouse and meet these guys, champ.
And we can have our drink later on.
No, we'll have it as planned.
Get lost, Boris.
Get yourself another champ.
Now don't you make the mistake of trying to knock on my door later.
I never knocked on your door in the first place, buster.
You did all the knockin'.
There goes your meal ticket.
Who's hungry? [chuckling.]
Since when did you start hanging around with police commissioners, Freddie? Oh, Mac wasn't always one.
He just got to be one somewhere along the line.
Mmm-hmm? How come you? Well, I've met a lot of pe--people in my time and I got a memory for faces.
Oh, I got to tell you, Bull, that's the worst massage I ever had.
How do you keep your job? Just another pretty face.
[groaning.]
Okay, Johnny, take your break now.
Right.
Who is June, Freddie? I thought you knew her.
She sure seemed like she knew you.
That's always happening to me.
I am forever reminding people of someone they think they know.
I hope we didn't talk too much about the Dutchman in front of her.
Can she be trusted? Well, I hope so.
She's the daughter of an LA Police Commissioner.
Oh, that June.
[gun firing.]
Have you any enemies, Freddie? I didn't think so, but that would indicate "yes.
" The sooner I get you into police custody, the better I'll feel.
(Freddie) Usually flying makes me nervous, but today I find it very soothing.
I usually find it soothing, too, but I wish that somebody would tell me what the rush is all about.
It's important to get Freddie to San Francisco as quickly and as safely as possible, that's all.
"That's all.
" You're, uh, you're telling me "that's all," but I know there's more to it.
The reason you're telling me "that's all" is because you don't want to frighten me.
That's right.
Because when I do tell you, it does frighten you.
Somebody's trying to kill us.
No.
Oh, I feel better already.
Somebody's trying to kill me.
Mac.
You're frightened.
Well, why would anybody want to kill Freddie? The Dutchman.
Look at that jerk, will you? Miles of nothing, and he's crowding us.
Hey, Red Baron, whoever you are, you're crowding the air lane.
Watch it! [machine gun firing.]
[firing continues.]
If that's the Dutchman, he really intends to get me.
[machine gun firing.]
(Sally) Mac! Bob's hit! Mac, can you fly this thing? I am gonna try.
Hey, I don't see the Red Baron.
Maybe we lost him when we went through those clouds back there.
Mac, that was first class.
How many lessons have you had? Six.
You did that with six lessons? That's wonderful.
You haven't heard what number seven was.
How to land.
(Mac) Hello? Hello, anyone.
(Mac) Mayday, mayday.
Come in, anyone.
Level her out.
You're killing me.
You came to just in time for lesson number seven.
How do you feel? Not good.
You feel strong enough to land it? (pilot) I think I'm about to black out again.
Before you black out, can you tell me how to land this? I can't.
Call control towers for instructions.
I can't.
The radio's out.
It's sprung a gas leak, too.
I will have to land it somewhere.
There, looks like a good place.
Here, Sally, read me the checklist.
A checklist.
Checklist.
Read the checklist.
"Before starting engine.
Before taxiing.
Before taking off.
" That's the pre-flight check.
Read me the part about landing.
"Climb.
Cruise.
Before landing Oh, here it is, okay.
"Before landing.
" "Gear down locked.
" (Mac) Gear down Iocked.
(Sally) "Green light visual.
" Green light visual.
"Hyd.
pres.
" What's that? (Mac) Uh, hydraulic pressure.
Oh, oh.
Uh, "Gear and systems.
" Pressure is okay.
"Mixtures.
Auto rich.
" Full rich.
Okay.
"Prop controls.
Low pitch.
" Prop control.
Low pitch.
Wow.
You got that good.
Uh, "Flaps one-quarter down.
" Flaps, one-quarter down.
Uh, "No smoking sign up.
" Oh, Sally! You said to read the list.
It's right here on the list.
All right, Sally, that completes it.
Hold tight, everyone.
[alarm buzzing.]
What's that? Red light.
The landing gear's coming back up.
I must have hit the switch when I set the flaps.
Okay.
Landing gear down.
Green light on.
Here we go.
Come on, number seven.
[tires screeching.]
Mac, that was fantastic.
Beautiful job, Mac.
Beautiful.
Phew! Fantastic! Beautiful, Mac, beautiful.
We--we made it? Yeah.
How do you feel? Not any better.
I don't suppose we made it to San Francisco.
Not quite.
Listen, uh, the Commissioner should be back in about two hours.
So you better take a look at this group of characters one more time.
Okay, I'll get right on it, Sarge.
[intercom buzzing.]
Yes, Ann.
(Ann) It's the Commissioner on Line 4.
Thank you.
Hello, sir.
Yes, sir.
What? You landed where? You landed the airplane? But wasn't that dangerous, sir? I will.
Goodbye, sir.
Ann, I want a heli-ambulance to Yorba Linda to pick up a wounded pilot and the Commissioner's party.
I'm gonna need six men to meet them at the San Francisco airport, I want a car for myself, and I want four men to go the Hotel Taylor and make security preparations.
(Ann) Yes, sir.
He landed it himself.
[clicks tongue.]
Now, what about the plane? All we know is that it was a stolen plane, sir, and that they deserted it in the desert.
Well, it ain't much, but it's safe.
[chuckles.]
Sure, baby, that's what my manager said when he arranged my last fight.
You mean, with that kid called Clay? Right.
Well, I'll try not to lead you into a mismatch, Freddie.
Come on, Enright, we got some shopping to do.
What a marvelous dinner.
Here, try this on for dessert.
What is it? Oh, Mac, that's gorgeous.
It fits perfectly.
You've never done anything like this before.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Except, you can't keep it.
It goes back after the party.
I know.
It's just that you've never done anything like this before.
I just Oh, excuse me.
Back later.
Oh, Mildred, come here and see what Mac bought me.
Wow, what a rock.
What'd that set you back, Commissioner? 50 big ones, Mildred.
$50,000? But be careful who you tell it.
We wouldn't want a visit from our local jewel thief.
Might be a little embarrassing.
Got the message, Commissioner.
So, what's the occasion? I didn't miss your birthday, did l, Mrs.
McMillan? No occasion, Mildred.
Boy, you did something that bad, huh, Commissioner? I just happen to love my wife.
Well, sure.
Don't we all? Five.
(both) Four.
(both) Three.
Two.
Contact.
She's calling Agnes.
Then in alphabetical order, Beatrice, Clarissa, Dot, and Elizabeth.
It'll be inside the back door of every home on the hill before midnight.
Oh, would you like to look at our list, how it's coming along so far? Mmm-hmm.
Peter Childs.
What's he doing on the list? You know I hate his food.
Darling, he's the in caterer.
In caterer.
Yes, I know.
You know, he could be the Dutchman.
You know, he's been at all the parties.
And he's always the first to arrive and the last to leave.
But somehow I can't see the Dutchman slaving over a hot kitchen stove.
You've never made Crab Rangoon.
It takes a very light touch.
Okay, I'll put him down.
Right under the surgeon who does a knot with one hand.
Do you think he could be the Dutchman? That's a possibility.
One of the things we know about the Dutchman is, he's very adept with his hands, as is the surgeon.
Well, then you better put down the matador.
Remember what Sgt.
Enright said about how handy he was with the cape? Everybody's suspect.
This party is getting exciting.
I'm going to have to go out and look for a dress.
To go with my ring.
Well, I can't very well go to a party with John Thomas Clarke and his mistress without looking special.
And that's another one.
Clarke.
Think of the dexterity needed to make those mobiles.
Oh, that's ridiculous.
You're just suspicious of everyone who wants to give me lessons.
Yeah, right.
Lessons.
Oh, I'm booked for a golf lesson tomorrow.
That does it.
I'm going to bed before I say something I might regret.
It's early.
You, uh, don't have to come to bed if you don't want to.
Darling, I'm not going to take golf lessons to follow you all around the course, and then not follow you to bed.
[chuckling.]
[Mac exclaims.]
Okay.
Straight back.
Well, I think that's all for today, Mrs.
McMillan.
Tell me, Buck, am I getting any better? No.
I'll see you on Thursday.
Yeah.
Thanks a lot.
All right.
Good, good, Mrs.
Wilson.
Fine.
(man) Mrs.
McMillan? Yeah? [gagging.]
It was found on the windshield of her car, sir.
We also found the car that they used.
It was stolen.
No fingerprints.
We're checking with our underworld contacts, sir, but, again, so far nothing.
I'm afraid we're going to have to treat this Iike any other kidnapping, sir.
We'll just have to wait till they get in touch with us, and then we can set up arrangements for the swap.
If the Dutchman is determined to get me, he will.
Now or later.
And if you ain't careful, it could be me and Sally.
Now, stop worrying about me, will you? I can take care of myself.
But she can't.
Look, Mac, I never backed away from a match in my life.
I want to tangle with the Dutchman.
I was the champ, baby.
You're forgettin' that.
So, that's the way it's gonna be.
Hey, Mac, I'm a free agent.
There ain't no way that you can hold me here.
So you either arrange that swap right now with the Dutchman, or I'm walkin' out of here and makin' my own deal with him.
And you know I can.
I want that lady of yours back where she belongs.
I don't like the company she's keepin' right now.
Oh.
I don't suppose this stuff looks as bad as it tastes.
I know you're there.
I can hear you breathing.
How long is this silent treatment gonna last, anyway? I don't suppose I could reach you with a little, uh I guess not.
You're right.
Why bother to make friends? We have no time.
And I'm gonna be out of here by tomorrow anyway, right? Right? Hello.
Thanks, Freddie.
[car engine starting.]
[tires screeching.]
[siren wailing.]
(Enright) Is the policeman who accidentally shot O'Neal on suspension, Commissioner? (Mac) Yes, he is.
(news reporter) Mrs.
McMillan, I know how you must feel, but would you mind giving us a statement? I didn't see anything.
I was blindfolded the whole time.
They had, uh, uh, those stocking things over their heads when they kidnapped me.
But how--how many men were there? (woman) Mrs.
McMillan? I don't know.
Two, uh, two, uh, in the car Mrs.
McMillan? I don't know, Mac.
I don't know.
Can't we just go home? I don't wanna answer anymore.
Yes, of course.
Is it true that Freddie O'Neal was your only lead in all these recent jewel thefts? Yes, it's true.
I'll give you a statement in a minute.
Honey, um The Mayor insists I make a full report.
Why don't you go on home? I'll join you as soon as I can.
Can we ask her just a few more questions? Not now, not now, she's exhausted.
Take her home, Tom.
[car engine starting.]
Uh, what about O'Neal? Did he agree to the swap or was he forced into it? He insisted on it, gentlemen.
Wait a minute, Commissioner.
We still don't-- And so, a stray bullet by a policeman, in the tragic confusion of the swap for Mrs.
Sally McMillan, cost the battling Irishman, Freddie O 'Neal, his life.
But we repeat, Police Commissioner McMillan 's wife has been safely returned.
(newscaster) Thank you, George, for your on-the-spot report.
Tonight, a tribute to a real champion, this station is proud to present highlights of Freddie O 'Neal's boxing career.
This was Freddie's first match, professional, against Kid Larson.
He won by a knockout on the fifth round and established himself as a major contender.
Within a period of six years, Freddie O 'Neal had fought 14 main events.
Hello, Mildred.
How is she? I gave her a double shot of hot milk and a little sleeping pill.
Something ought to work.
(newscaster) Freddie's fans will remember his bout with Dick Armstrong, when he scored a spectacular knockout in the seventh round and earned him the shot of the middleweight championship.
[people cheering.]
He shocked the boxing world by defeating Hell Stenson for the middleweight championship.
This fighting Irishman had a heart of gold and a helping hand for any friend in need.
He had great confidence in the young people of today.
Whenever he wasn 't in training Sally.
Ann, try Mrs.
McMillan for me again will you, please? (Ann) I just did, sir.
The line's still busy.
And that's with two phones in the house.
She slept all night.
She's been talking all morning.
I haven't had a chance to talk to her.
Keep trying, Ann.
Oh, thank you so much.
Uh, if you'll give me your number, maybe I could call you as soon as the arrangements have been made.
All right.
Thank you very much, sir.
Goodbye.
[sighs.]
More telegrams.
How many people do you suppose the lrishman knew? Incredible.
Who do you suppose they all are? What do they do? Well, this one is signed Sugar Lalure.
I can guess what she does.
You think they all will be at the funeral? Well, sure, everybody loves a fighter.
There aren't many left today.
Poor Freddie.
He certainly did die the way he lived.
I wish there was something I could do for him.
To really thank him.
Well, he'll have a nice funeral.
And that's all any lrishman asks of life.
Mildred, that's it.
We're going to have a wake.
A real lrish wake.
And we're gonna invite all of Freddie's friends.
All of them? Even Sugar Lalure? All of them.
They were all friends of Freddie's and he would want them there.
Listen, Mrs.
McMillan, I've spotted some pretty well-known gamblers in there and some out and out gangsters.
Well, any friend of Freddie's Oh, sure.
Commissioner McMillan, please.
Well, we're not gonna put out that silver we polished.
Oh, yes, we are.
It's gonna be a very elegant wake.
[buzzing.]
Yes, Ann.
Mrs.
McMillan on three.
Thank you.
Hi, honey.
Hi, Mac.
You wouldn't believe the telephone calls and the telegrams we've had about Freddie.
How are you? Okay? I'm gonna be fine, especially now.
I've come up with a lovely idea for Freddie.
Oh? Mac, we're gonna have a wake for Freddie.
A real lrish wake.
And we're gonna have it at our house, and we're gonna invite all of his friends.
What do you think? Don't say no.
Oh, uh, no, l--I was just, uh You haven't really met any of his friends, you know.
I know, but I've talked to most of them on the phone.
The phone hasn't stopped ringing all day.
Please, Mac.
Well, then, it's not a bad idea.
It's a good idea.
Go ahead, begin making plans.
Freddie deserves the best.
Thanks, Mac.
I'll be right home.
I have something very important to tell you.
And, Sally, I think it's a great idea.
I knew you'd be pleased, Mac.
Bye.
We may get our shot at the Dutchman, after all.
How's that, sir? We're going to have a wake for Freddie O'Neal.
Oh.
A wake? That's where the casket is open, isn't it? Yes, I know.
Would you please stop crying, Mr.
Tippalino? All right, Tippy.
I know.
It was a great loss for all of us.
Y-y-your brother.
Yes, you know, I had that same feeling myself.
Hi, darling.
Hi.
No, no, no, I wasn't, I was, uh, um Your cousins felt the same way, too? Oh.
Well, sure, we'd be glad to have them.
Here, let me put it down, okay.
Thanks a lot.
All right.
It was an honor talking to you, too.
Okay, Tippy.
Bye-bye.
Tippy? Were you talking to Louie Tippalino, the restaurant owner? He is such a sweet man.
He is the biggest crook in town.
Why isn't he in jail? That's how crooked he is.
He makes it look legal.
But I had to invite him to Freddie's wake.
He sent such a sweet wire.
Look, about the guest list.
Why don't we invite the people we were going to invite to Freddie's party, too? How do you like that? That would be a fabulous idea.
Freddie would have liked that.
You know, also I think it'll add a little class to our wake.
That's just the way he put it.
Our wake could use a little He put it? What? When? Why don't you sit down, Sally, and I'll pour you a drink? I don't wanna sit down and I certainly don't want a drink.
Freddie's alive.
I think I'll sit down.
And I'll pour you a drink.
I think I'll drink it.
What do you mean Freddie's alive? Our men were using blanks.
The whole thing was staged to make it look real.
How could you do that? It was a terrible thing to put you through, Sally, but I had to.
Couldn't you trust me enough to have let me in on it? If I'd known where you were, I'd have phoned you.
You always let me in on everything.
You could have given me a signal, in the alley.
You could have winked.
Oh, sure.
See, it had to be a perfect performance to fool the Dutchman.
And he was out there somewhere, watching.
You, Freddie, me, all of us.
I couldn't risk it after what you'd been through.
And the only way to keep Freddie alive was to convince the Dutchman that Freddie was dead.
I can understand that.
Where is Freddie now? Safe.
Out of sight and under police protection.
And looking forward to the wake more than anybody.
With the exception for the Dutchman.
Is he gonna be there? Well, that's what we're counting on.
We'll have mourners wearing diamonds of every shape and size, begged, borrowed, and stolen, probably.
With Freddie playing dead and identifying the Dutchman at the same time? Mac.
We could do it, and we're counting on you, too.
Oh, now that I know Freddie is alive, I'll be fine.
Sorry I got so upset before.
Oh, I can understand that.
Come on.
Oh, Mac, I think have come up with a clue myself.
Yeah? Of course, I couldn't see or hear anything when--when I was hostage, but I could taste, and they fed me a stew that was so awful that if she ever cooked for me again, I know that I could spot her.
She? Why do you say "she"? Why do I say "she"? Why do I say "she"? I don't know.
You're the one who said it.
What are you doing? I'm sniffing.
Well, I can tell you're sniffing, but why are you sniffing? [sniffing.]
Perfume.
There was perfume everywhere they took me.
That's why I said "she.
" Mac, that's it.
The Dutchman is a Dutchwoman.
It's a possibility.
Could you recognize that perfume? Odor, please, odor.
It's unforgettable.
I'll tell you another thing.
I was very discreet when I was sniffing.
I remember being very discreet.
I'm almost sure that no one knew that I was sniffing.
Aren't you proud of me? I've cracked the case.
Yeah, it's a beginning.
Your real work comes tomorrow night when you have to sniff your way through that wake.
Oh, I can't wait to get a look at that woman that would wear that kind of perfume.
Oh, her escorts must be drugged by the end of the evening.
Maybe that's her technique.
How would you like to see a little bit of my technique? [chuckles.]
Okay? Okay.
Are you? [exclaims.]
Let's see.
Oh, it looks so confining.
Well, it's soft.
How about one for the road, Freddie? Oh, yeah.
Think you could figure some way to slip me a couple of these while I'm on the road? [laughs.]
Oh, this is something I never thought I'd see.
Well, it ain't bad.
A lot more comfortable than some beds I've been in.
I think you look cute.
I bet you say that to all the corpses.
She does.
Except this is the first time a corpse has talked back.
Are you really comfortable, Freddie? Yeah, except I don't know why I had to come in formals.
(Sally) Oh, that was my idea.
Lie down.
I'm a little nervous about that mirror.
Oh, I think it's great.
I can see practically the whole room here.
Sure.
Practically the whole room can see you.
What if they catch you breathing? The flowers are to put all over the top.
I'm going to take these candelabra and put them close so people can't get close.
Good idea.
I counted the silver, and I'm gonna count it again when the evening is over.
Here, Sally.
Got you.
Ready, Freddie? [laughs.]
I hope you're not allergic.
You can't call me canvas-back now.
[Sally chuckling.]
This is one fight you lost.
Here you go.
What do you think? (Freddie) Do I get up when the bell rings? (Sally) You know what? I think it's gonna work.
I can't even tell he's breathing.
[people chattering.]
Dreadful house.
I don't know which I despise more, the exterior or the interior.
I don't mind the house so much as I do the people.
It's a whole new breed of parasites.
Funeral crashing.
[continue chattering.]
[sniffing.]
[inhales.]
Any luck? Not yet.
Watch it, I can see your lips moving.
[sobbing.]
I still don't think this is such a good idea, boss.
I mean, the Police Commissioner's own home.
I'd risk anything for Freddie O'Neal.
Yeah? I ain't never met no lrishman, alive or dead, worth going to jail for.
I have never seen so much drinking at a party for a live person.
Is this your first wake? And my last.
I'm going to be cremated.
Oh, ladies, be sure and try the Crab Rangoon.
And, you there, speed it up with the coffee.
[sniffing.]
Commissioner, I'd like to take several of these characters in for questioning right now.
I know what you mean, Enright.
////[man singing.]
He looks almost as good dead as he did alive.
He looks better.
[continues singing.]
I'll take that.
What? That carving set up your sleeve? Oh, I'm with the catering service.
I'm with the Police Commissioner.
[cutlery clinking.]
[people chattering.]
Who was he, anyway? I have no idea.
You're the one that accepted the invitation.
It's me.
Oh, hi, Mildred.
Here lies a man who says he never threw a fight.
To Freddie O'Neal, a fake and a fraud.
Uh, what's your name? Enright, ma'am.
"Enright, ma'am.
" Oh, that's a beautiful name.
I really like that name.
// He was born and raised in lreland // // in a place called Castlemaine // [all chattering.]
[hiccupping.]
Are you getting smashed? No.
You're fogging up the mirror.
Any luck? Still sniffing.
But you're ready.
You're ready.
Who needs Las Vegas, you name it-- Hey, Mac.
Mac, remember when you said any time I need a favor? Listen, you're really ready.
And I don't want to coerce you.
[sighs.]
If I snap my fingers-- Listen to him.
Why don't you gentlemen have a drink in the bar? Anything you say, Commissioner.
Excuse me, but, uh, where do I know you from? Well, I have been working on this picture at Universal.
This party is worse than yours.
I agree.
Mrs.
McMillan.
Sally, you really must do something about that cold.
Oh, Frances, it's just one of those 24-hour bugs.
I'm sure it'll be gone tomorrow.
// which brought him to the ground // // And turning round to Davis // // he received a fatal wound // // A bullet pierced his brave young heart //// Well, Frances, a familiar face.
Thank goodness.
Isn't this the most ghastly party you've ever been in? And the people here You know, there's this one dreadful woman who goes around sniffing.
Has she sniffed you? Um, yes.
Well, you know, anytime you accept an invitation to a police commissioner's home, you have to be very careful.
[chuckling.]
[women laughing.]
Mrs.
McMillan.
It's the beams.
I never hoped I'd be lucky enough to find my hostess in all of this.
She's the hostess in this thing? Lanthie.
Oh, that's okay.
I agree with Miss Simms.
This is a terrible party.
Well, not really, as wakes go.
Well, couldn't we go, John? Uh, you'll have to forgive Lanthie.
She's not at her best at parties.
Or anywhere else, for that matter.
Bull, I think you forgot one thing.
Always living in the past, Lanthie.
I, uh, hope you haven't lost your interest in mobiles, Mrs.
McMillan.
I'd love you to come to my studio tomorrow, if you can get away.
I wish I could get away right now.
Well, I think we could arrange that, too.
Oh, uh, uh, tomorrow would be fine.
Good.
Shall we say about noon, then? Fine.
Bye.
Now, watch.
Doctor, you're not doing your good old one-handed knot trick again, are you? But this gentleman begged me to show it to him, Commissioner.
He did.
[woman screaming.]
Did I hurt you, fella? [woman yelling.]
What's the matter? My earrings are gone.
How could they be, Frances? Your ears are pierced.
You're telling me! [crying.]
I told you this was a bad idea.
Okay, let's blow.
(Mac) Hold it, everybody! Hold it, everybody! Enright, lock the doors.
All right now.
Wait just a minute.
All right, everybody.
The ladies will go upstairs, please.
The gentlemen will stay down here.
We know the procedure, Commissioner.
Mac, what is the procedure? Procedure? After a fruitless search and dismal failure and after the Dutchman has been victorious again, we are going to get smashed.
[glasses clinking.]
(newscaster on TV) San Francisco's master jewel thief struck again last night.
And this time at the home of Police Commissioner Stewart McMillan.
Stolen was a pair of earrings valued at $100, 000, removed from the pierced ears of Mrs.
Frances Mayerling, wife of the famed financier, Carter Mayerling.
The heist took place at the wake of battling, Freddie O 'Neal, accidentally gunned down by police as he was being exchanged for the kidnapped wife of the Police Commissioner.
A search of all the guests proved futile, and San Francisco 's mysterious jewel thief has been successful once again.
(Mac) G reat pictu re.
Who tu rned that on? I think it's been on all night.
[clock ticking.]
[clock stops ticking.]
Oh, that's better.
(Mildred) I'll set it later.
Uh, uh, should I bring either of you, you'll pardon the expression, something to eat? Oh, that's where the icepack is.
I was bringing it to you.
Oh, never mind.
I think if I just sit down, that--that ought to do it.
[sighs.]
Oh.
Uh, l--I was watching the late show.
E-excuse me.
Goodbye, Doc.
Good heavens, I'm late for surgery.
Who was that? Just another guest who didn't know when to leave.
[groaning.]
Oh, I'm never giving another party.
I can't get that clock into focus.
I can't even get you in focus.
I wonder what time it is.
[groans.]
I told John Thomas Clarke that I'd drop by the studio for a lesson in mechanical mobiles at 1 2:00.
The way your hands are shaking? Well, it's modern art, Mildred.
I think shaking hands could be an asset.
First, you've got a morning of sniffing ahead of you.
Oh, Mac, even my nose has a hangover.
I'm sorry, Sally, but your nose is the only clue we've got.
[sniffing.]
No, this isn't it.
Madam, if you could just be a little more specific.
Well, that's all I can tell you.
You know, you've already sniffed $30 worth.
Mac? (Mac) Did you find it? No, darling.
Could you please pay this lady $30? Oh, hi, Mac.
Hi.
Oh, well, seeing it's you, we're such old friends.
No charge.
Has she always been this reasonable? Uh, no, well, at least I'm sorry.
This is very new and quite unique.
Uh, I'm not the regular girl here, you know.
No, this isn't it.
But it's very nice.
Do you have anything else? Uh, uh, just a moment.
Here, try these.
Oh.
This is very unusual.
Here.
This is it? No.
What's this called? Oh, dear.
That's my medicine.
You know, maybe I should try to find you somebody with a little bit more experience.
Um, if you could just describe to someone who knew exactly what she wanted.
Uh, just a moment, please.
Isn't she cute? I like her.
Yeah.
But she does seem a little incompetent.
I know, but I like her because she doesn't know you.
Can I help you? I Oh.
Hi, Mac.
Ah, yes, what we wanted was someone with a little more experience.
May I help you, sir? Oh! Hello, Mac, it's nice to see you again.
Oh, no, no.
That's not for you, honey.
Why don't you try some of this, huh? I don't think we'll find anything here, Mac.
Wait a minute.
What is it? This is it, this is the odor.
That's a man's cologne.
I know.
That's what's so strange.
I thought it was a perfume but it turns out it was a cologne.
I'll take that, please.
Charge it.
We're on to something.
[knocking on door.]
Freddie.
Freddie, wake up.
Wake up.
Oh, hi, Mac.
I wish I were dead.
I don't think I can live through another wake.
Here, smell this.
Now you want me to smell like Bull Dunham? Bull uses this cologne, doesn't he? He did that day at the Springs.
Do you know where he's staying while he's in the city? He said he was at Rocky's.
Rocky's Gym? Uh, uh, Mac, is that the--the smell that Sally was looking for? Yeah, I think so.
You think Bull's the Dutchman? No, he's not that bright, but he could be working for the Dutchman or something.
I'm going to Rocky's.
You know, if--if Bull thinks that you're pumping him, you just forget how to talk.
I'm going to tell him how thoughtful you were to remember him in your will.
That bum? After he insulted me at my own wake? [groans.]
Freddie thought a lot of you, Bull.
Oh, the poor guy.
One of the last things he said was he wanted to give you his boxing gloves.
The first pair he ever used.
He wanted to give 'em to me? Yeah? Yeah.
I'll mail them to you down at the Springs.
Yes, swell.
I'll hang them on the wall in the massage room.
Uh, put a picture of Freddie up there, too.
Hey, Freddie would like that.
I'm gonna miss that bum.
We all are.
Nice cologne, Bull.
Hey, lower your voice, will you? I've been taking enough razzing from bums in here about this smell.
No, I like it.
You do? Yeah, where can I buy some? I don't know.
If you want some, I'll ask Mr.
Clarke where he gets it.
Mr.
Clarke? You know, that sculptor guy.
Oh, John Thomas Clarke.
Oh.
Present? The last time he was at the Springs, he just brought it down.
When was that, Bull? The same time you [stammers.]
What is it you want, anyway, Mr.
Commissioner? You know, l One of the first things I want is to put you under arrest, Bull.
[grunting.]
Hey, nice swing, fella.
Got a manager? All you need-- All I need is a phone.
[hissing.]
[knocking on door.]
Come on in.
The door is open.
[door opens.]
Mrs.
McMillan.
Welcome.
Hi.
How are you? The artist at work, I see.
Well, I'm afraid it's a little more than a trade these days.
Created by the demands of the marketplace.
Art is nothing but a business.
Well, a very good one for you.
This is a fantastic studio.
Yes, it is very well equipped.
How do you like my latest monstrosity? Electrically run.
I call it Cycle of Life.
The title alone doubles the price.
[sniffs.]
You like my cologne? Yes.
Do you know that I have been looking for that scent for my husband? Isn't it a coincidence that you happen to have it on? Uh And last night at the wake, were you looking for it then, too? Last night? Lanthie told me you were sniffing all evening.
I assumed you had a cold.
Now I realize you didn't.
No, I do.
[sneezes.]
I thought it was one of those 24-hour things, you know.
But I guess I'm gonna have it for a while.
Maybe I better go before I expose you, you know.
Oh, Mrs.
McMillan, I suspect I'm already exposed.
You're the Dutchman.
I'm the Dutchman.
Uh, uh How do you do it? I mean-- I mean, wh-what with all those detectives Iooking at the safe and everything.
Illusion, my dear, like my mobiles.
You think you see something when you don't.
No one saw me take the diamond at the party because I didn't.
I took it just before the party, when I came to install the mobile.
But society creates its own heroes.
Everyone wanted to believe I could open a safe in full view of a crowd.
That excited them tremendously and so they believed it.
Oh.
Mac! Mac! [grunting.]
[screams.]
Sally.
Mac.
[groans.]
Mac, the Dutchman.
Look.
How are you? Fine.
I'd like to shake hands with-- I know what you mean.
My hands were bandaged for a month after my fight with Stonehead Kelly.
Oh, yeah? Stonehead Kelly? That's how I got the bandages.
You better give me a big hug, Freddie, 'cause I think my hands are gonna be out of action for the next couple of weeks.
Uh, may l? [car horn honking.]
Oh, yeah.
Oh, I think that's my cab.
We're gonna miss you, Freddie.
Have a good time in Waikiki.
Oh, I will.
I've spent several weeks on the cuff with Mugsy.
He's first class.
It ain't such a bad life, sweetheart.
Dropped your guard again? [chuckling.]
Stay well now.
Bye, Freddie.
Aloha.
(Freddie) Bye.
Isn't Freddie great? We're really gonna miss him.
Did you really mean that, about my being out of action for weeks? Well, Mac, it is a little tricky with bandages on your hands.
Mmm-hmm.
Look, Ma, no hands.
Looks good.
Mmm-hmm.