Melissa & Joey s01e06 Episode Script

Melissa and Joey has been recorded in front of a live studio audience.
You were supposed to be here an hour ago.
I had important meetings with local businesses.
Okay, I went shopping.
Are you happy? Shopping? - It was an emergency.
- What? Your credit card caught on fire and you had to put it out by rubbing the magnetic strip back and forth in that thingy? Look, my family needed some serious retail therapy.
Last night "20/20" ran that embarrassing piece again about Lennox and ryder's father being a fugitive.
Oh, it was awful.
Really bad.
So you're buying their pain away? For them! It's all for them.
Every bit of it ooh, except for these peep-toe pumps.
Yeah, those are for me.
When the kids hurt, I hurt.
- Oh hey, hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Yeah, we covered that.
You guys are home in the middle of the day.
Because I live here and I have keys.
What do you got going there? Water.
Just drinking water.
From two glasses? I enjoy water.
They say it's tasteless, but not to me.
Joe! Oh.
Oh, there's the other glass of water.
Hi, I'm Tessa.
- I'm Mel.
- Rhonda.
Nice to meet you.
- I'm Joe's - Cousin.
Distant.
Oh, so you're just having a family get-together down there.
Yep, that's what we're doing.
And it's been so great to see you, Tessa, really, but I'm sure that you have several other cousins to see in other basements.
- Oh, don't rush out on my account.
- No no no, rush.
It's great.
Thank you very much.
I'll see you later, okay? All right, bye-bye.
So, cousin Tessa? - Really? - Really.
Joe, there's nothing to be embarrassed about.
We're all adults here.
Okay? I mean, is she a good kisser? Do you love her, huh huh huh? Does it bother you I was having somebody over here for lunch? What, are you gonna write me up in your slam book? - Like I have a slam book.
- It's more like a blog.
Ah.
Look, Joe, you can have anybody you want over here for lunch, but just be careful where you eat it.
We don't want the kids walking in on you while you're "dining.
" - Did you have fun with that? - Yeah, I actually did.
Hey guys, how was school? Ryder, you get any compliments on the new backpack I got you? Tons, 'cause that's just what dudes do.
They also said they liked my top.
- You guys are really connecting.
- Yeah, I felt that too.
So did you pick up the poster board for my project? Uh, no, but I'm on it.
Hey, did you pick up the poster board for Lennox's project? Hello? Joe? - Huh? - Poster board? - For what? - Is that from Tessa? - Huh? - I'm sorry I mean the future Mrs.
longo? I'm sorry, are we back to the high-school thing? Yeah, does she get all smoochy when she writes? Wow, okay, no hesitation at all just sticking your nose right up into my personal business.
That's what we got going on, you and I.
Yeah, it's part of what makes us us.
I don't like that part.
Why don't you just admit you have a girlfriend? - It's no big deal.
- Look Fine, I have a girlfriend.
Good! Good for you.
? And your girlfriend! ? and you want to know why I don't tell you anything.
Joe, aren't you forgetting something? - What? - Uh, that thing for Lennox.
No, I didn't forget.
I'm on my way right now to pick up, um You have no idea what it is.
Yeah, I do.
It starts with An "s.
" - Poster board.
- S-so much poster board.
That's what I was going for.
Going to get a huge pile of it right now here I go.
- ( Rings ) - Right after I take this.
Hello? Yeah, what's up? Hey hey hey, get your shoes off the coffee table.
Wait wait wait, get your shoes back on the coffee table.
What happened to the awesome new sneakers I bought you? - Uh, sneakers? - Yeah, they were leather, very expensive, you wore them to school this morning.
Any of this ringing a bell? Yeah, the thing is - I lost them.
- How? They're tied and knotted to your feet.
I don't know.
These things happen.
I get distracted.
Wait wait wait.
Sit.
Relax, come on.
It's been awhile since you and I have had a heart to heart.
We've never had a heart to heart.
All right, then screw that.
What happened to your shoes? Listen, you'd better tell me what really happened in one, two three! All right, tell me what happened or else! Or else what? Four? Or else I will come down to your school in my bathrobe and cry uh-huh! Yeah, my mother did that once.
Trust me, it works.
Somebody took my sneakers, okay? Please just don't go all bathrobe.
Let me take care of it.
Okay, all right, you're a smart kid.
You can totally handle this on your own.
I need you to spy on your brother to see who's bullying him at school.
Someone's bullying ryder? - That's my job! - Just keep an eye on him, okay? What's in it for me? The sense of satisfaction that you're doing something nice for your brother? Seriously.
- 20 bucks.
- Anything for family.
Here's another letter from our favorite constituent Mr.
angry red crayon! I hear that they're keeping him away from sharp objects.
Hey, where's Joe and why isn't he here making us dinner? Oh, he said he had to go meet with Tessa.
Somebody sounds a little jelly bean.
What, are we in the fourth grade? I am so not jelly bean.
I don't care what Joe does with Tessa or where Joe goes with Tessa or what Joe does with Tessa Oh my gosh, it's Joe and Tessa! Oh oh, duck or they'll think we're spying on them.
Okay.
That looks like a really crappy date.
I mean, who brings file folders to a booty call? You don't ever play secretary? Yeah, but all you need is a pencil in the hair.
Oh my gosh, they're coming in! Act normal hide! I just don't want your Councilwoman friend to find us like she did the other day.
- I can totally handle her.
- Oh? - Shh.
- Can I get you a drink? Sure.
So do you really have a contact at the bank of Dubai? Yes I do and he will do whatever we want.
- You just need to help me draft that email.
- M'kay.
- And you're sure your boss is not suspicious at all? - Of course not.
Technically she's not my boss.
I'm freelance.
Oh.
Holy crap.
How do pole dancers do that? Constant workouts the main reason I switched to politics.
Though it's kind of a lateral move.
Bank of Dubai? What in the heck is going on down there? Sounds like Joe's involved in some kind of shady deal.
- My Joe? - He did work for Lewis scanlon.
Yeah, but he was duped.
He lost everything.
Desperate men will do desperate things like become your nanny.
You did a thorough background check on Joe before you hired him, right? Fingerprints, f.
B.
I.
? I checked his Facebook page and his netflix queue.
I mean the guy was waiting for "marley & me.
" Mel, you have to know what's going on in your own house.
This is gonna be so unpleasant.
With any luck you'll go down there and they'll just be having sex.
Fingers crossed.
So if these assetsere last seen going through abu dhabi, - they would next show up where? - Mel: Knock knock! Coming through.
Don't mind me.
Just doing a little laundry here.
- Since when do you do laundry? - Since when do you have a giant map on your wall? Wow, it looks like some sort of geography lesson, with pins in the middle east and photos and articles about Lewis scanlon.
What are you guys up to? - We're on a date.
- Really? Looks like you're on some sort of a manhunt.
Oh my God, are you on some sort of a manhunt?! Fine.
We're looking for Lewis.
And we are this close to finding him.
Uh-huh, so the feds are stumped, but you and your bond girl are going to crack the case from down here next to my water heater? We know how Lewis thinks.
We both worked for him.
- Tessa lost everything too.
- My kids had to switch to public school! Oh, that's terrible! I mean, not about the schools because they've really improved Smaller class sizes, state-of-the-art metal detectors.
Three days ago Tessa called me and said that Lewis was spotted in Dubai.
Look at this.
See this picture? It's a little bit grainy, but there he is right there.
Oh yeah, you're right.
And look who's there next to him.
It's Elvis! I knew you wouldn't take this seriously.
Yeah, I should go.
You have a lovely home.
Thanks.
I'm especially proud of the situation room.
- I'll call you later! - From a secure line! - Before you start, let me just say - What, lie again? - What do you mean lie? - You lied to me.
You said she was your girlfriend.
No, you said she was my girlfriend and I agreed with you, so technically You lied to you.
Maybe we should take all your different statements and line them up on a color-coded map on a wall and see if we can locate the truth.
I don't know what to believe anymore.
Did you really ever want to see "marley & me"? Wha I I like Owen Wilson, all right? And Jennifer aniston is very sweet.
I don't care if she's sweet, okay? I'm sweet too! And you took advantage of my sweet nature.
( Gasps ) Did you embed yourself in my house to look for Lewis under the guise of being my nanny? What? Are you nuts? This started three days ago.
- So you say.
- I spent a little bit of my own time trying to track down this schmuck so I could bring him to justice so he can clear my name.
I think that's worth a few lunch hours.
It's more than just lunch hours, Joe.
It's creeping into all the hours.
It's taking over.
Are you saying that I'm not doing my job? I'm moments away from saying it.
Oop and here it comes.
You're not doing your job! How do you figure that? You didn't even notice that a bully took ryder's sneakers.
I totally knew that wait, what? - I thought he lost them.
- Pay attention, okay?! So many interesting things are happening right above your head while you're down here playing "where's Waldo?" Ugh.
Why couldn't you just have been having sex with your cousin? - Morning.
- Morning.
- Want some breaast? - Breakfast? Interesting cover, Joe.
If it is in fact "joe.
" ( Grunts ) Yep, okay.
- ( Clears throat ) - Hey, what what That was ( Groans ) - What's for breakfast? - ( Unison ) Cereal.
So quick, before he comes down Did you find out anything about ryder? He's trying out for cheerleader.
- Really? - Well, I signed him up.
Okay, focus, lnox.
Did you notice anything? Oh yeah, huge! So Tammy lebonge said she was out sick with mono, but I could totally tell she got a nose job.
Why don't you let me try talking to him, all right? Sort of a little man-to-man thing.
Here.
Gosh, can you handle it, with your basement mission and all? Don't let the bad guys get away 'cause the free world is counting on you.
Ah, sarcasm it's really part of a complete breakfast.
Yo, what's up, man? You ready? - Where's your backpack? - Uh, I kinda lost it.
You lost it? The same way that you lost your shoes? - When? - A couple days ago.
Come on, Joe, you're not going to show up in your bathrobe and make a big deal out of this too, are you? - All right, let's move it.
- Hey, ryder, you forgot your notebook.
- Hey, where's your new backpack? - In the washing machine.
I know, it's brand new and already filthy.
See, this is why we can't have nice things.
Let's go.
Burke, you are gonna love me.
Why, are you suddenly made of cookie dough? All right, fine.
You're gonna love what I did.
Hey, ryder, I got your shoes back, buddy.
You did? How did you do that? Back to the basics good old-fashioned stakeout at the High School.
wearing these, went up to him Of course he denied it.
It almost got a little ugly, but I can be kind of intimidating when I want to be.
Ooh yeah, very scary.
Especially with those long eyelashes.
I'm also working on getting his backpack too.
Backpack! You said it was in the wash.
This time I intentionally did not tell you the truth, - but that was only so that you would trust me.
- Oh, so to win my trust back - you lied? - Yes, I lied.
But that's the truth.
Hey, here you go, buddy.
Sweet! Check it out.
- Where'd these come from? - You don't need to thank me.
- No, but - Just go put them on.
Go ahead.
Go! You, however, need to thank me.
Well, you know, it's not exactly how I would have done it, and it was kind of crazy and obviously nobody asked you to Wow, you're really awful at this complimenting-people stuff, aren't you? Thank you, Joe.
You really came through this time.
Yes, I did.
I just made everything right.
These aren't my sneakers.
Of course they are.
I just made everything right.
Except this time.
These are somebody else's.
Good going, Joe.
You mugged a kid.
Wait a minute, wait a minute, no.
He was a bully.
I mean, 6' tall, kind of heavyset, 3:00 shadow.
Brandon malansky?! Terrific.
He's a senior For the second time.
Excuse me while I go online and change my status to dead.
You know, I think I know why this happened.
Instead of looking after ryder, you were too busy looking for his father.
You're not focused.
You're distracted.
- I am not! - ( Phone ringing ) Okay, you know what? I don't even care anymore.
I'm not even gonna get this.
See, over it.
Not answering it.
- ( Whistles ) - It's Tessa.
I gotta take that.
I'm sorry.
Tessa, slow down, slow down.
Are you sure that he's in Bahrain? Damn it, how is Lewis moving so fast? Hold up, wait a minute.
It's him.
No, not Lewis.
The kid that took ryder's backpack.
Listen, I have to call you right back, okay? Bye.
( Phone rings ) - What is it, longo? - I think I just found our bully.
Oh, well, do me a little favor and measure his shoe size before you taze him? I'm serious.
He's out in the driveway.
I need you to take a look.
- See that kid? - Oh yeah.
That's ryder's backpack.
It's got that reflective stripe.
- Oh, let's get him.
- Yep ( Grunts ) Oh, sorry.
Oh wow.
That's hard.
What do you got in there? I work out.
Yeah well, you can stop, 'cause you're done.
- Let's go take him down! - Hold on, hold on a minute, training day.
- There's a lot of backpacks that look just like that.
- But he's got ryder's sneakers.
There's a lot of sneakers that look just like that too.
This is all circumstantial until we see some actual bullying.
So you just want to sit up here and wait until ryder's down to his tighty-whiteys? You want to lose the collar, go ahead.
I'm playing this one by the book.
Ryder just gave the kid the scooter.
Move it, move it.
- Oh, okay.
Oh wait! - What? So when I wanted to go with the sneakers and the backpack, that wasn't enough.
But now there's a scooter, so now we can go? - Yeah.
- 'Kay.
- All right, move it.
- I need shoes.
Forget the shoes.
There's no time for shoes.
Let's go.
( Clears throat ) What's going on here, fellas? - Nothing.
- Sure.
What's your name, Mr.
nothing-doer? - Uh, I'm Isaac.
- He's my friend from school.
Ah, did you hear that, Joe? His friend from school Isaac.
- Yeah, friend.
- ( Disbelieving laughs ) Mind if I ask your friend a couple of questions? You have very long eyelashes, sir.
Thank you.
Did you hear what he just All right, cut the crap, Isaac.
- Where'd you get the backpack? - I got it from ryder.
Ryder, huh? What about the sneakers? - Ryder.
- Ryder! We seeing a pattern here, Burke? Yeah, longo, I'm seeing a pattern.
Big pattern.
- Listen, I can explain.
- I think I get it.
- Oh you get it.
- Yeah.
Listen, kid, you can't just take stuff that doesn't belong to you and leave an innocent person with no backpack, no sneakers, no job, no money, no Porsche.
- You sick - Joe, not about you.
Right.
The jig's up, kid.
You're busted.
Take it off, let's go.
Everything.
- Here, take it.
Take it all.
- Uh-huh, uh-huh.
- And the shoes.
Go, get out of here! - You people are crazy! No no, Isaac, I'm sorry! - Thanks a lot! - What are you mad at us for? - He just took all your stuff.
- No, he didn't.
I gave it to him.
Isaac's parents invested their life's savings with my dad.
Then he runs off with everything and ruins their lives.
Thanks a lot! I think we just played bad cop-worse cop.
You're worse cop.
I only bullied one innocent kid.
You bullied two.
I just dug myself a pretty big hole here.
Mind if I go take a shot at talking to him? Go for it.
I'm gonna try to catch Isaac and apologize.
That shouldn't be hard.
The kid doesn't have any shoes.
Neither do I.
Here, just use these.
( Knocks ) Hey.
What are you doing? - Giving all my stuff to Isaac.
- Really? Wouldn't it be easier to leave all your stuff here and let Isaac move in? Giving away your stuff is very generous, man, but it's not gonna fix the mess your dad made.
- Then who is gonna fix it? - Hopefully your dad will.
Maybe nobody'll fix it.
You know, sometimes things don't get fixed.
So my dad just gets away with it? That's not fair.
Aren't you mad at him? Am I mad? I nicknamed my ulcer "lewis.
" But believe it or not, I know how you feel.
This whole thing is consuming you.
You have to try to get past it.
- How? - How? I'll tell you how.
I have no idea.
But I don't think giving away your basketball is going to make you feel any better.
- I really like that basketball.
- Then you should keep it.
- Just move on with your life.
- Easy for you to say.
Actually it's not.
As hard as it is for you, you're just gonna have to let this thing go.
Do me a favor: Just take a deep breath, put all this stuff back and I promise you Tomorrow will be a little bit better than it is today.
Trust me, there are many more fun and interesting things out there to get obsessed about, like sports, video games.
- And sex? - One of my favorites.
Hey, you don't want to give all your stuff away there either.
It's not gonna happen to me.
Yeah, you'll be the one guy that gets out alive.
- Hey, how did it go up there? - It went well.
I think I might have actually gotten through to him.
Well, that's very impressive, Joe, especially the part about letting go.
Oh, thank were you spying on me? No, I would never okay yeah.
- Pffft.
- Look, I had to lie to rebuild our trust.
Where have I heard that before? ( Phone rings ) - It's Tessa.
- Aren't you gonna take it? No.
No I'm not.
I'm off the case.
I got a lot of stuff going on here, you know? - I'm going to meet Phoebe at the mall.
- Oh, I'll give you a lift.
- I don't need a lift.
- I think you do.
Phoebe and her family are in Minneapolis this weekend.
- ( Nervous laughter ) - ( Mocking laughter ) I meant that I - What's his name, Lennox? - What are you, a mind reader? Fine.
I'm going to meet Trevor.
Is that okay? Yes, it is.
Be back by 9:00.
- 9:30.
- 8:00.
Okay, 9:00.
Good night.
Night.
Wow, you really are a mind reader.
- All right, what am I thinking? - Ooh.
- Ice cream.
- Wrong! Cake.
Okay, ice cream cake.
Hey, look at what I picked up on my way home.
"Marley & me"? All right, that's cool.
We can watch this.
Ladies' choice.