Men Behaving Badly (1992) s01e06 Episode Script

Deborah, hi.
Come in.
- Thanks.
I can't stay long.
- Right.
What's wrong? You've normally asked me out twice before we've reached the kitchen.
I got the sack today.
- Oh, no.
Why? I had an argument with a customer.
If that was a sacking offence, I'd have no staff.
Well, it wasn't just an argument.
I dangled him by his feet until he stopped calling me "Mr Stinky".
This is a child, is it? - Yeah.
Children in that toy department can be so hurtful.
I'd have let you off with a warning.
I'd already had a written warning for calling another one a "stunted little turd".
Maybe you shouldn't work with children.
- This was an old Lady.
Maybe you shouldn't work with human beings.
Do you need anyone in your restaurant? - Oh, I don't know.
You said you were short-staffed.
- You dangle people by their ankles.
No, I'm through with dangling.
Have you worked as a waiter before? - Yeah.
Where? Tiny place in Scotland.
It's closed down now.
Oh, well.
I suppose we could give you a try.
- Oh, brilliant! I didn't even need my Lucky interview underpants.
Just take your face out of my neck! We're sharing a magic moment.
- Speak for yourself! Put her down, Dermot.
She's given me a job.
- You have one.
I got made redundant.
- No, you're always fired.
Hi, Gary.
Nice day at the office? - Pretty standard.
George made a model windmill out of paper clips, Anthea had a nervous breakdown - in her Lunch hour, fortunately - and I filled my briefcase with yoghurt.
Oh.
Billy Banana flavour.
My favourite.
Well, I must go.
Could you move some things out of the garden shed to make room for me? Sure.
What have you got? - Oh, a Lawnmower, tools Gardening things? - Yes.
How do you cut the grass? We just flatten it down.
- It stops growing after a while.
Right.
Well How did you persuade Deborah to give you a job? Told her I had experience.
- Have you? Not yet.
- Look at your work record.
What a mess.
These are my wilderness years, like Churchill and Gary Glitter.
Churchill was never kicked out of Securicor for leaving the van to go shopping.
There was a sale on.
You've got no ambition.
- I have.
I'm talking about careers, Dermot, not you clashing glands with Linda Lusardi.
What did you want to be as a kid? - Rock guitarist.
Yeah.
- You too? No, no.
Manager of a small engineering firm.
Funny, isn't it? The crazy dreams we once had.
Crazy.
- I could still be a guitarist, you know.
If I Learnt to play guitar.
For a while, I wanted to be that girl on the test card playing noughts and crosses.
Yeah.
Well, didn't we all? Then you want any job with lots of women around.
I wanted to be choreographer for Pan's People.
I sent off for details, actually.
My parents wanted me to have a respectable job.
You've done all right, then.
- Yeah, yeah.
Nothing wrong with my career.
I've given my best years to security equipment.
Look at Dermot.
He's been around.
He's had lots of interesting jobsbriefly.
He once nearly sold a pair of shoes to Bamber Gascoigne.
It probably wasn't as exciting as it sounds.
No, no.
I'm sure it wasn't.
- I was excited for a while, back in the 1960s.
Found it rather worrying.
Now he'll be working with Deborah.
When did we have somebody young and attractive here? I think that must have been Cindy.
- You can't count Anthea's dog.
No, I suppose not.
- When I first came here, within three years, I was going to have two pert secretaries and a drinks cabinet.
What have I got? Anthea and a flask.
Why do you want two secretaries? - I don't know.
One for weekends.
I've got the biscuits you like, George.
That's the entertainment budget shot to pieces.
Thank you.
Urn I was wondering, Anthea, maybe next week we could experiment, tentatively, with some garibaldi.
This is the cutting edge of British industry.
Gary.
Don't rush off, Anthea.
I want to ask you something.
Do you see me as a dynamic entrepreneur or a complete failure? It's not that hard.
I'm obviously not a complete failure! I think I know the answer.
Let me put it another way.
ls this the right environment for an ambitious young executive? Isn't it more important to be happy? Well, it's nice, but - No! I think too many young people are scrambling to get ahead at the expense of older people.
I'm sorry, but that's what I think.
Bloody hell! What was all that ranting? I thought Ian Paisley had walked in.
I think she's a bit sensitive.
It's her birthday on Saturday.
What, again? Didn't we get her something last year to cheer her up? Yes.
A new in-tray.
Oh.
Did it cheer her up? - I don't think so.
Well, we can't give her that again, can we? The best present I ever had was a Little blue tricycle.
I suppose that's a boy's thing, really.
We should do something special for Anthea.
I get the impression she's afraid of me.
Oh, I think you're being over-sensitive.
Why don't I take us all out for a really nice meal? Anthea has a sensitive stomach.
We'd have to go somewhere where she'd be looked after.
Listen to this.
"A customer has a piece of food stuck on his chin.
"Do you A - ignore it, "B - tell the diner the problem in a jocular manner "or C.
- remove the offending piece with a serviette?" A.
- c.
Well, it depends.
If it was a great big strip of carrot, it'd be funnier to leave it there.
What's the answer? The answer.
"B - tell the diner the problem.
" See appendix three for a selection of jocular remarks.
I remember the first time Gary and I went for a meal He spent half an hour with cucumber on his mouth.
What did you do? - I leaned across and sucked it off.
We were romantic in those days.
This'll give you some ideas.
My parents used to play it with me.
"Who's the Postman - An Amusing Career Game For Young Folk.
" What else was in the shed? - Nothing as fun as this.
Let's play with the Lawnmower.
- No! Dorothy, you can be the doctor's wife.
Dermot? Don't I get a choice? - It's the only woman.
I lost the librarian.
I'll be this smug bastard in the suit.
- No! I'm always the accountant.
You be the baker.
- How come I'm just somebody's wife? I'm a feminist too, but we've got to stick to the rules.
I could be the engineer! - No.
You're a girl "You purchase an imprudent brand of flour.
" This is terrifying.
"Acquire two blue-collar cards.
" "Your husband picks up something nasty in the surgery.
"Lose one climber token while you restore him to health.
" Come on, you two.
This'll help with your careers.
There's nothing wrong with my career.
Well, no.
You nurses do an excellent job, but it's not a proper job, is it? Of course it is a proper job, yes, but in a public service kind of caring way.
"The chaps in your department award you a popularity prize.
Earn 15 guineas.
" You're so smug, aren't you? You sell burglar alarms in a dingy office and come on like you're achieving something.
Oh, I see.
- Somebody at work asked me what you did.
I said you were unemployed.
It seemed more impressive.
That office would close down without me.
I'm responsible for people.
- Do I push a tea trolley? You do an excellent job.
- Thank you.
And a really sexy uniform.
Uh-oh! Looks like trouble.
"You lose both thumbs in a kneading machine.
"Miss six turns.
" Oh, no You don't have to worry about me.
I've got an offer of a job at Vulcan Technology.
Go on, then.
Take the job.
When the time is right to showcase my talents on a broader canvass, I will.
If you're scared of taking on a new job, say so.
Gary, is this yours? - Yeah, I found it in the shed.
I always wanted a johnny 7.
Let's play war.
Yeah! No girls.
We're ready to order now.
- OK.
Urn, I'LL go for the soufflé Roquefort and mangetout.
One cheesy thing with the flat peas.
And for your sumptuous girlfriend? What's in the sauce maison? - You know these French chefs.
They'll stick in their own grandmother if it improves the colour.
just being jocular.
Urn No, it's sort of mushy.
There might be a few prawns I'll have the chicken salad.
- Chicken salad.
Thank you, darling.
Thank you.
Dermot, the kitchen staff are getting confused.
You've put here "glasses, no neck".
That's the bloke over there.
It's so I can tell who's having what.
That would explain "perfume, fantastic breasts".
Sorry.
- Stick to the table number, Dermot.
OK.
- Hi! Has he flambed anyone's trousers yet? - Not yet.
You're over here.
Special occasion, is it? - Gary's entertaining his staff.
That's generous.
- Well It would be if I wasn't sacking them.
You're not sacking them, you're resigning.
It amounts to the same thing.
They'll close that office without me.
Even if they don't, who'd keep George and Anthea on? Well, they're probably better off moving on anyway.
Anthea jabbers away to herself like a victim of some laboratory experiment.
Probably fine till she met you.
George is about as easy to understand as Birmingham.
Anything to drink? - God, you're not serving us.
I'm fresh and enthusiastic.
You're untrained, incompetent, clumsy and probably dangerous.
Same thing.
Anthea's jumpy enough without a halibut down her dress.
Leave it out.
I'm trying to impress Deborah.
Vodka and tonic, please, Dermot.
Gary will have a straw and a bottle of house white to calm him down.
'nkyou.
You'll have to tell George and Anthea.
I can't.
You assume they can't go on without you.
They can't.
Have you ever watched George trying to unstaple his tie? I'm not telling them.
You're the captain of industry.
I just push a tea trolley, remember? - You forced me into this job.
It's "Macbeth" all over again.
exactly.
Oh, exactly "Macbeth.
" That's the play about a burglar-alarm salesman who ruthlessly accepts a job in Hendon, egged on by a nurse.
I'm not a salesman.
I'm a consultant.
- Gary, the who.
.
Oh, hello! Happy birthday.
- Happy birthday, Anthea.
Thank you.
- Pretty brooch.
Oh, I got that with my first salary cheque from Gary.
I thought this was a good time to wear it.
Well We should do this every year.
- Who can tell where we'll be next year? I think this job will see me through till retirement.
It's a comforting thought, isn't it? How about a drink, George? Ah, here we are.
''nkyou.
Hello, Dermot.
What are you doing here? I'm branching out into a new career.
This is to supplement your income? - No, this is the new career.
There you go, mate.
And for you, madam, the moist, tender breast of chicken delicately mounted on a bed of pouting greenery.
Thank you.
Enjoy your meal.
- If she wants you to slobber over her, I'm sure she'll ask.
You think I've got a chance, then? The pork hasn't got anything foreign in it.
You're sure it doesn't come with anything peculiar? "Pork in a cream and mushroom sauce.
" Sounds like tremendous fun.
I suppose I could scrape the sauce off.
There you go, Anthea.
- I don't like pork, though.
I'm sorry.
I'm holding you all up.
- No, no.
Take all the time you want.
Right.
How are you doing? - Silly bitch can't make her mind up.
Tell me what you want, and maybe Chef can rustle it up.
Wellwhat I really fancy is a bowl of cereal.
No, at times, Gary can be frighteningly efficient.
I'm a bit of a bumbler.
- I expect you save yourself for home.
Good Lord, no.
When I get home, I go all vague and dithery.
We're a happy family, really, in the office.
The nearest I get to having one, anyway.
Oh, God.
Look, I'm sorry.
There's something I've got to say.
I've Did you enjoy your meal? - Lovely, thank you.
I should have been more adventurous.
There's nothing unadventurous about Coco Pops.
When I'm really happy, like now, well, I can't help indulging myself.
It's all right, Anthea.
- So as I was saying, I've been discussing my career with a friend of mine at Vulcan Technology.
Ooh, a Letter arrived for you today.
I'll get it.
Now, this friend and I were discussing the work Landscape, future-wise, and the prospect of me enlarging their staffing capability spectrum.
I'm not sure that I'm quite following you.
In a nutshell, I think what Gary's saying is Gary? - Well, I've accepted Here it is.
- I'm explaining a delicate matter here.
I think it's - If you're so interested, you open it.
So, anyway, this friend and I have both agreed that the time is right to enlarge my career - Oh, dear.
How many words? Birthday charades! That'll Liven us all up.
Oh, right.
Two words.
Second word.
- Lobe.
Dangly Lobe.
Sounds like.
- Nose! Course of orthodontical treatment.
Mouth, lips, gob Gob! Nose! Can we have our bill, please? - Shut up! Sounds like gob.
job? Nose! First word.
No first word.
Nodding job.
Italian job! Blowjob! No, that doesn't sound right.
No job.
Nose job! What's "no job" supposed to mean? Is it a musical? - No, it's bad news.
It's me! I'm going to lose my job! - It's a game.
You haven't got the job.
They've frozen recruitment.
Never mind.
At least George and Anthea didn't understand a word you were saying.
Hey, smart-arse.
Bill.
OK! Anthea.
You're not going to lose your job.
None of us are.
We're people who never go anywhere.
Sorry.
I was just being silly.
There you go, Anthea.
That's from Gary.
Thank you! "Happy Birthday, Anthea.
Thank you and goodbye.
" Sometimes I wish I was a bloody waiter.
She had cucumber on her mouth! I just made a small technical error.
He caught you trying to slip your tongue in his girlfriend's mouth.
I was just trying to be helpful.
Overall, I think I made a good impression on Deborah.
Hard to say.
The fact that she sacked you isn't a good sign.
Bit of a setback, yeah.
Anyway, I'm off to bed.
Where's Dorothy? - She's got to get up early, to sew somebody's ear back on or something.
I better get some sleep meself.
I need to get a few things tomorrow.
What? A job, a girlfriend and a future? Yeah.
I'll try that new Asda, see of I can get all three under the one roof.
Night, Gary.
- Night, Dermot.
Night-night, then.
- Night.
Yeah, night-night.
Night.
Night-night.
Night.
Night-night.
- Always got to speak last, haven't you? No.
Goodnight.
Night.
- Night.
Goodnight.
Night.
- That's enough.
Au right.
Night.