Men in Trees s01e06 Episode Script

Previously on "Men In Trees" You're living in Alaska.
They don't have a nail place or a spinning class.
What's a girl gotta do to get a salesperson around here? Go to new york.
- This seat taken? - You're not from here.
- Anchorage.
I'm sorry about your brother, but I did not know it was your brother.
I think we should have sex.
- I love you, annie.
- I love you, too.
It's hot.
- Well, we live in different parts of the house.
- He means separate wings.
I think maybe last night was a mistake.
I need to know if I'm good in bed.
I slept with ben.
- I don't think I'm ready to be involved again.
- I am not ready either.
- Friends? - Friends.
I know I said I wanted culture but this diorama is about as big as this town.
Yeah, it was the first thing I commissioned after I took over as curator of the Elmo museum.
Yeah, check it out.
- Tiny me.
- Oh.
what, um, this place is a museum? On alternate saturdays.
Yeah.
Uh, patrick, this is, um, very unique but when I said I was looking for culture I was hoping for something, uh, more like the ballet or a winetasting.
Oh.
We used to have a karaoke night at the chieftain - till buzz threw the machine out the window.
- Hmm.
- Yeah, we're Elmo, not anchorage.
- I know but where do you take annie when you guys o out at night? actually, uh we're not, uh, - getting out much these days.
- Oh.
- If you catch my drift.
- Oh.
- I catch your drift.
- Yeah, don't touch.
Museum.
The thing is, after we're done not getting out she asks me to get out.
We still haven't had a sleepover.
Really? I think we might be having, uh, intimacy issues.
Intimacy issues? - How long have you two been seeing each other? -37 days.
Yeah, but who's counting? - True intimacy takes time.
- Gotcha.
How much time? okay, snuggle muffin.
- Time to skedaddle.
- Haven't I skedaddled enough? - I have to get up early for work.
- Yeah, but it's only it's 8:45.
I have to get up super early and I like to make the bed as soon as I get up and I can't make it if you're still in it.
Right? Is there something you're not telling me? 'Cause if you're anti-spooning or something, that's cool.
I can de-spoon.
Don't be silly.
Everything's great.
- You sure? - Sure sure.
- all right.
- Yeah, let's separate.
Window down.
Window down.
Come on.
- Celia? - Yeah, this isn't lovers' lane.
- It's a state highway.
- We're not bothering anyone.
Look at my face.
I'm bothered.
There's a place for everything, hmm? Especially this.
Actually, I believe there's an expression for it- "get a room.
" - Which you already have.
- This isn't that.
Whatever.
I'm closing this heavy petting zoo down.
I catch you two here again, there'll be charges.
- you wanna go to the inn? - No.
I told you, I don't want to mix business with pleasure.
- Well, let's find another spot.
- This is ridiculous.
- I think making out in the car is kinda fun.
- Yeah, if we were 16 but we're not.
We're adults with kids at home and wives at home.
Hey, I'm not one to judge.
I'm not with her.
I'm with you.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Uh, well, see ya.
Nice talking to you.
When did you two start sleeping together? - What? That's crazy.
We are so not sleeping together.
- Uh-huh.
All right, look, something might have happened once, maybe twice.
That's it.
I think you guys would make a good couple.
Trust me.
Neither one of us are in a place to be in a relationship right now.
We're just gonna be friends.
It's all good.
You can pull that off - just friends? I'm excited to get to know him, be pals.
- It's been done before.
- Mm-hmm.
Not by me but look at you and ben.
Yeah, the poster couple for ambivalent relationships.
Well, it's gotta be easier to be friends now that you're both dating.
You talking about sara? Oh, man.
You knew, right? - About ben and sara? - I figured.
Look, it's a small town.
I knew about you and Jack, right? - Just friends.
- Got it.
So can you be friends with someone you've slept with? What do you think, guys? glenn from sitka on line two.
- Yeah, you can do it.
- I think so, too.
As long as you're not hot for them anymore or if the sex sucked.
But what if the sex was good? - Then what are you doing not having sex with him? - Got a point.
Let's go to zach in ketchikan.
Yeah, I tried being friends with this girl after we did it.
I just kept thinking about her with her clothes off.
- Who wants to go backwards? - What, friendship is backwards? Once you've gotten more with someone why would you want less? I don't get it.
If everything is so great, why don't you let him stay over? You promise you won't tell anyone? I snore.
Okay? That's all? It's bad, Marin.
Come on.
How bad can it be? I can't say for sure because I've never heard myself.
I tried taping myself, but the batteries died before I hit R.
E.
M.
Sleep.
Or I snored so loud I broke the machine.
Oh, god.
What if I broke the machine, Marin? So you don't really know how loud it is? Oh, I know.
I used to wake my whole family.
They made me sleep in the garage.
It's bad.
No.
What's bad is Elmo only takes up an eighth of a page in the "guidebook to alaskan culture.
" I'm not joking.
annie, we all have secret things about ourselves that we're scared to reveal.
But when you're really intimate with someone you gotta trust that they'll be able to handle that stuff- all that stuff.
So what's your secret thing? Dangling lobes.
Even your lobes are adorable, unlike my snoring.
Well, thanks for lunch.
I should get back to the office.
I'm in charge while Jack's away.
Oh, really? Where is he? - He's tracking a bear out on the fairbanks trail.
- Oh, sounds dangerous.
Actually, he's just collecting stool samples.
Ah.
More gross than dangerous.
- He's taking them up to the zoo outside anchorage tomorrow to be analyzed.
- Really? See ya.
Anchorage has its own book.
- Hey! What's up? - Hey.
- Well, sling-backs these are not.
Oh! - Whoa! Thanks.
I hear you're driving to anchorage.
- Uh, yeah.
20 miles outside.
Why? - Want company? - What, you want to go to the zoo with me? - No.
I want to go to the city with you.
- Why? - 'Cause I'm dying for a dose of culture, and you're my ticket.
Well, you have a car.
Can't you drive yourself? I could, but then I would be alone and we said we were gonna be friends.
This is something friends would do together unless you're not on board with this whole friend thing.
- No.
Totally on board with the friend thing.
- Okay.
- So why don't we start off with a couple of beers at the chieftain? - Oh, come on.
It'll be fun.
I'm a whiz at the road trip games.
- you're serious? - Sure.
Can you think of a better way to celebrate this new chapter in our relationship? - We, uh, we have chapters? - Mm-hmm.
Chapter one, "strangers," chapter two, "sex" chapter three, "friends.
" And what's chapter four? Um, "old friends looking back on the fond memories of our trip to anchorage"? look, I really don't like the city.
okay, look.
I will race you to that stump with these tennis rackets on our feet.
- You're kidding.
- No.
I win, you drive me into anchorage.
- And if I win? - Mm, I'll cook you a home-cooked meal.
- That's a prize? - Hey.
I cook.
you're on.
- Let's do it.
- Ooh, a little competitive, are we? - on your mark, get set, go! - Oh.
Hey! - That was nice.
- So nice.
- you know what would be even nicer? - Hmm? Me staying over.
What is it? I've been patient.
It's been 38 days already.
- You've been counting, too? - Yessiree.
You know, the sleepover is the natural evolution of all things romantic and meant to be.
Which one of Marin's books is that from? I made it up.
You like it? Okay.
patrick, would you stay over? Yes, snuggle muffin.
- Morning, sunshine! - Morning, sunshine.
Oh, this is gonna be fun.
We're gonna go shopping, we're gonna go to the aviation museum.
You'll like that.
- Boys like airplanes, right? - Yeah, I guess so.
Sure.
No.
Uh, okay.
- Uh, here are the car rules.
- Mm-hmm? There's no going through the glove compartment, no top 40 and anything you find on the floor stays on the floor.
You got it? Yes, sir.
I got us a couple of tickets to the opera.
- No chance.
- I bet you've never been.
- That's a safe bet.
- You're gonna love it.
I swear, it changed my life.
It's not gonna change mine 'cause I'm not going.
Oh, come on.
It's the opening night of "romeo et juliette.
" - It'll be my treat.
- I don't know.
- To thank you for the lift? - No.
- I'm gonna break you.
- No, you're not.
you would think you would be more interested in sharing your new friend's interests.
okay.
- If I say yes - mm-hmm.
- You'll be quiet? - Mm yes.
Okay.
Great.
- Maybe we could have sushi.
- No.
B- - oh, keeping quiet.
- ben, my main man! - Hey, patrick.
- Will you make sure that sara gets this when she comes in? - Sure.
- She leave it at the bar? - Uh, no.
- Oh.
Got it.
Cool.
- Thanks.
- You want a muffin? - No, I'm not hungry.
Thank you.
You sure? 'Cause I made this batch with extra joy.
You know, man, there's nothing better than going to bed with your favorite lady except maybe waking up next to her, just having her there all night- - patrick? - Yeah? Will you please shut up? I'll make sure she gets this.
hey, sweetcakes.
Rise and shine.
- G-good morning, chief.
- Slattery know you sleep on the job? I wasn't sleeping.
honey, you were out cold.
- Yeah, I think they heard you down at the dock - Oh no.
Oh, yes.
Was it that bad? - Off the charts, sugar.
- Oh.
Honestly, I've never heard any noise like that before.
I mean, not from a human, anyway.
You you won't tell patrick, will you? Not too crazy about keeping secrets from the boy.
- You know, he's highly sensitive in the audio department.
- He is? Can't tolerate loud noises.
His first dog had a bark that could peel paint.
We loved that gal, but we had to get rid of her.
Well, wasn't there anything remotely adorable or endearing about it? - Hmm.
Well, she could play dead like a pro.
- I-I meant me.
- Oh, the snoring? - Mm-hmm.
No.
Nothing cute there.
Seriously, how good is this double latte? - About as good as the double latte we had half an hour ago.
- Competing coffee places.
How great is that? I love anchorage.
Hey.
- I'll take one with the works.
- Okay.
- I lived on these when I went to college here.
- Oh.
Do I have to? No.
Of course, you know, I didn't have to drive you up here either.
Okay.
If you're gonna be like that not bad.
Not sushi, but not bad.
- I know a thing or two about the city.
- Really? Then you know what one wears to the opening night of an opera in the city.
Oh, no.
Sorry.
- I draw the line at monkey suits.
- Oh, I have this amazing dress that has been dying to get out.
It deserves to be with a tux.
No, I'm just drawing the line.
- Oh, you draw a lot of lines, slattery.
- Yeah, and you keep trying to cross them all.
How else are we supposed to get to know each other? Is that what we're doing here? You got it, buddy.
One line at a time.
So what'd you do last night? Nothing.
I know about you and sara.
It's cool.
Do you like her? Uh, I don'T really feel comfortable talking about that with you.
- Come on.
- We're still friends, right? Well, friends that are married and living together and dating other people, but still friends.
I feel like I can't bring her to the house.
- Why not? - I brought guys to the house.
Yeah.
That's been really great for me.
- did you forget to lock up last night? - No.
careful.
Don't move too much.
I don't want to spook it.
What do we do? I call Jack.
Jack and Marin are in anchorage, - trying to be friends.
- Great.
Ah.
oh, someone's angry.
this is for you.
What, you're writing me a ticket for keeping a wild animal as a pet? Read it and weep, siegfried.
Jerome, what the hell are you doing? Never bagged me a real live caribou before.
Well, now I don't think it counts if the caribou is trapped by a pool table.
- Brown 'bou, corner pocket.
- Give me that.
- I'm just trying to help here.
- Easy.
It's an unsafe drinking environment, if you ask me.
People, this is not the wild west.
This is the unincorporated town of Elmo, alaska, and if that animal is not out of this bar by tonight - I'm calling in the feds.
- I want my gun back.
Yeah, I want my perky butt back, too.
Not gonna happen.
this is so beautiful.
You don't look so bad yourself.
Oh, thanks.
And you, my friend, look very handsome in formal wear.
Oh.
I do, don't I? big city Jack isn't as humble as country Jack.
- Hey, you know what I need? - Hmm.
A monocle and maybe a pipe.
Well, how about we get a drink and work our way up to the monocle? All right.
What'll it be? - Oh.
Vodka negroni, please.
- Ah.
Uh, vodka negroni and a beer.
- You don't mind me having a beer, do you? - No, I do not.
In fact, make that two bottles of beer.
This is the opera.
We don't serve beer in bottles.
- Oh, funny, 'cause you do serve attitude.
- Mm, the city makes you feisty.
I pretty much travel with the feisty.
- It's hot in here.
- A little.
Must be all the people.
- Oh, god.
- I have missed crowds- well-dressed, fashionable crowds.
Smoking porch! Score.
Come on.
Hey.
Annie.
Annie! - You're supposed to fall asleep after we do it, not during.
- I-I wasn't sleeping.
- I was just resting my eyes.
- You fell asleep on me.
Wow! - H-how long was I- - I don't know.
Five seconds.
I know that I'm new at this, but if you want to make me feel like-le the anti-stud mission accomplished.
No.
Patrick, no.
You're great.
- I-I'M just - tired.
I get it.
I'll catch you later.
- oh, that was one hell of a smoking balcony.
- You didn't even have a cigarette.
I can't say no to some good ol' secondhand city smoke.
hey, thanks for coming with me.
I know it wasn't your first choice on how to spend an evening.
I'm pretty sure it wouldn't have cracked my top 20.
you're not trying to get out of this, are you? oh, I know what that is.
That's your "please don't make me go to the opera" cough.
I know, because I developed it myself before my first opera.
But then I actually went, and guess what happened.
That's right.
I loved it, and my cough went away.
I'm fine.
Good, 'cause you'd have to do a lot better than that.
oh, sorry.
I-I was just looking for ben.
Ben's in there making friends with the caribou.
So you and ben.
Yeah me and ben.
- You okay with that? - Sure.
I just don't want to see him get hurt.
What? Now you're worried about ben getting hurt? What ben and I have is complicated - but we care about each other.
- I care about ben.
- Good.
- Good.
Just tell ben I'll come back later.
ha ha.
It's showtime.
Should we try to sneak our beers in? - what is going on? - Nothing.
I'm fine.
No, you're not.
- No.
No, I'm not.
- Jack! I'm having an asthma attack.
what is taking so long? This is anchorage, not new york.
- Nobody's been pushed front of a subway.
- Mr.
Slattery- - hey, it's about time.
- See you in here.
- Are you his wife? - Oh, no, I'm his friend.
- I'm sorry.
- Immediate family only.
- Oh, you don't understand.
We're very close.
I mean, not in that way, but we could be- not that I want that.
- Ma'am.
- Yeah.
This is a hospital, not a confessional.
That's okay, doctor.
She's with me.
I'm his brother.
ian? what are you doing here? I'm his emergency contact, live ten blocks from here.
What's your excuse? We were going to the opera.
That worked out well.
- Is he gonna be okay? - Yeah.
Yeah, he'll be fine.
He's just sleeping off the medication.
Good.
Had me worried.
- Anchorage is a long way to come for a date.
- Oh, we're not dating.
We're friends.
Hmm.
My brother doesn't usually put on a tux for a friend.
Well, believe it or not, that's all we are.
So then I could ask you out? Well, that, uh, would be kind of, uh weird? Why? Because you're brothers, and one of you is currently passed out.
so then he can't put up a fight, right? - hey.
- Hey.
You okay? Hey, bro.
it's okay.
that's one way to go- keep giving her water so she's forced to take a pee break.
I just don't want her to get dehydrated.
- How about hydrating your regulars? - Hey, do you have a sec? I got a caribou and a drunk.
You find me a moose who can cook, the place runs itself.
so I have great news.
I set up a sleepover for matt.
We can have the house to ourselves.
- Seriously? - Mm-hmm.
The whole night together with no gearshifts or incarcerations? - Wow.
- I know.
So save the date - three saturdays from now.
Wait.
This isn't happening for three weeks? It's the soonest I can make it happen.
- I'm doing what I can here.
- I know, I know.
It's just a screwy situation.
are you sure you have room for me in your life? Sara, you give me something that I have not gotten in a very long time from theresa.
Yeah, sex.
Yes.
Okay, that.
But also a real friendship where I don't feel like I'm constantly letting you down or-or being judged.
And I love our friendship.
But when I start to think of it as something more that's when it starts to let me down.
so what do you want? I want to know how you think you can be just friends with the woman you married.
I'm trying.
You're a good guy, ben.
A caribou has basically shut down your business and you still want to make sure she's not thirsty.
I just don't want to get hurt when I try to make everyone else happy.
- How you feeling? - Oh, much better.
Thanks.
So you gonna be okay? I know I'm not the wife, but I can ask, right? He'll be fine.
We should be able to release him shortly.
So you had an extrinsic asthma attack triggered by environmental allergens.
Yeah, the city air does that to me sometimes.
Why didn't you tell me that? - Well, I didn't want to wreck your trip.
- Our trip.
Smoking doesn't help, either.
I don't smoke.
It doesn't take a doctor to smell the tobacco on your tux.
So if he had, say, gone out onto a smoking balcony at the opera for a couple of minutes that'll do it.
I am an awful, awful person.
So you almost killed him.
Nice.
it's okay.
I'm also concerned, mr.
Slattery, about this.
what is that? - A bullet.
- What? Okay, we've ordered, so someone needs to tell me what happened now.
Um, my dad and i went camping and this, uh, black bear came after me and my dad shot at it, uh, but he got me instead.
You you were shot by your father? - I'm fine.
- Stop with the "fine.
" You have a bullet in your chest, for crying out loud.
The bear mauled my dad.
- So he - yeah, he died.
Oh, my god.
- Were you okay? - He wasn't there.
- I wasn't there.
I was never much of a camper.
More of a city guy.
Yeah, he left for anchorage as soon as he graduated high school, never looked back.
- He's just pissed 'cause I didn't stick around.
- I'm not pissed.
Just telling the story.
The city was a relief.
- I'd had enough wilderness tragedy.
- You weren't even there.
Anyway, the bullet's too close to my heart to remove, so so you live with it.
Not much other choice.
oh, those wayans boys kill me.
They really do look like women, huh? - sweetie, you loved this movie last time we screened it.
- Yeah, mom, it's-it's really funny.
You haven't even touched this popcorn.
What's wrong? Not enough butter? It's movie night.
- You used to love movie night.
- I was supposed to be with annie tonight.
Oh.
You two having problems? - You can tell your best pal.
- She doesn't seem into me.
- Never liked her.
- Mom we're not breaking up.
We're just having, uh, growing pains, that's all.
We'll work it out.
I'm not sure you can, son.
What do you mean? mom, what are you doing? That girl's snoring puts amber louise to shame.
- Rest that little doggie's soul.
- How do you know? I heard her today at the office with my own two ears.
stop! Stop.
Stop! All right, fine, I will, but I don't think she can.
Why wouldn't she tell me? Honey, she knows you couldn't live with it.
I figured you should know sooner than later.
More popcorn? you feeling better? Yeah, food helps, but we should get on the road.
You've had a rough day.
Maybe you should stay over tonight.
We could see some museums tomorrow if you want.
- And we'll make sure to pick you up an inhaler, bro.
- I don't need an inhaler.
Can we get the check, please? You're welcome back anytime.
I have a spare room.
You, too, Jack.
I just don't know how long we can keep ignoring the caribou in the room - How long you been sitting on that one, jerome? - A while now.
But I ain't talking about that caribou.
I'm talking about your messed-up lady situation.
- I'm just trying to handle it carefully.
- Uh-huh.
Well, you got one lady walkin' out on ya another lady walkin' all over ya, and a caribou that's goin' nowhere.
If I want your advice, - I'll ask for it.
- You sure about that? I've had 12 beers tonight, and I'm seein' things clearer than you are.
Why don't we call the park rangers? I mean, we can't let the caribou stay here all night.
You're right.
What are you doing? Something I should have done from the very start.
I'm setting her free.
She doesn't belong here, and she knows it.
Then why doesn't she leave? Because she's been waiting for me to wake up.
come on, girl.
This is my bar.
this is your world.
There you go.
You go on home.
Go on home.
- Thanks.
- I got it.
- No, I got it.
I'm gonna get out of here before this gets ugly.
Be right back.
Thanks.
That's very gallant, both of you.
So - what's up with you guys? - Oh, nothing.
Good.
I mean, we slept together if that's what you're asking.
- According to her, you're just friends.
- Yeah, well, that's where we are right now.
- Oh.
So it wasn't any good? - No, it was great.
- Well, are you into her or not? - Just stay away from her, okay? You asking or telling? I'm just saying that she doesn't need you in her life right now.
Let me get this straight.
You don't want her, but no one else can have her.
Is that it? - Fact is, I don't blame you.
- Blame me for what? Come on.
She is hot.
- Don't go there, man.
- I mean, look at her.
Seriously you gotta admit, she is one hot piece of ass.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You did good tonight, setting her free.
- I didn't know you had it in ya.
- Yeah.
- Theresa? - Yeah? I want you to move out.
- Tell me what he said.
- No.
Come on.
- It can't be that bad.
- No.
he called you a hot piece of ass.
- and you beat him up for that? - Yeah, I did.
- For the record, most women don't mind being called that.
- Oh, thanks for telling me that now.
So you don't think I'm a hot piece of heinie? I think that he was being a jerk, okay? No, thank you for standing up for me and for going to the opera.
Well, thanks for taking me to the hospital.
- Why didn't you tell me you had asthma? - Well, I have to tell you everything about me? Well, favorite color-no, but bullet in the chest - maybe.
- Jack? - Yeah? I'so sorry about what happened with your father.
it's weird.
You know, it's almost comforting to have the bullet there.
So close to your heart.
Yeah.
- I'm sorry we didn't get to go to your opera.
- Oh, please.
I'm just glad you're okay.
- Hey.
- Hmm? I think we just made it to chapter four.
- hi.
- Hi.
What is that? - You promise you won't laugh? - Cross my heart.
It's my retainer.
I'm supposed to wear it every night for good tooth alignment and ideal bite relationship.
But you didn't have it the other night.
I know.
That's 'cause I was embarrassed.
- Did your mom tell you about me? - I don't care what she says.
I'm gonna love your snoring.
- You have no idea.
- I know, but I want to.
I want us to know everything about each other- the good, the bad and the ugly and the loud.
- You sure? - Sure sure.
Okeydokey, smokey.
- ow! - Oh! Sorry.
Yeah, I'm gonna take this off.
I was just wearing it to prove a point.
Get in here.
did I scare you? - mmm! Not bad.
- Marin Marinara.
Made extra special with a dash of truffle oil specially imported from anchorage.
- Well, who says city gls can't cook? - Oh, well, it helps to have someone to cook for.
Thanks.
- Oh, well, please.
- No.
I mean, you know, for coming home with me.
I know anchorage has a lot of appeal.
Turns out Elmo has a lot of appeal, too.
but if you really wanna thank me - no more opera.
- No opera.
How would you feel about me putting your name on my emergency card since all of my other names are 4,000 miles away? Okay.
Sure.
That's what friends do, right? friendship between a man and a woman is complicated especially if they've shared something more.
and there are times when love can be stronger and even more rewarding if it's built on the foundation of a really great friendship.
but wherever it's headed, wherever it's been, being "just friends" doesn't have to mean settling for something less.
sometimes it can be the brass ring after all.