Merry Happy Whatever (2019) s01e06 Episode Script

1 ["JINGLE BELL ROCK" PLAYS.]
[RAISES VOLUME.]
Jingle bell, jingle bell Jingle bell rock Jingle bells swing And jingle bells ring Oh, you're up.
Merry Christmas! - Merry Christmas, Mr.
Quinn.
- Merry Christmas, Dad.
Couldn't we have slept in? This is the first Christmas in forever I didn't have to wake up early to Skype Alan's nana in Finland.
Well, I waited as long as I could, but you know this is my favorite day, and I wanted to spend it with my loved ones, and Matt.
[SIGHS.]
I need coffee.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, or is there some sort of Quinn family Christmas-morning beverage? [CHUCKLES.]
No, just coffee.
But you do have to put a dash of cocoa in it and stir with a candy cane.
Oh, Em.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, check this out.
Last night, Nancy texted me these five little fire cartoons.
- Hey, that's great, Dad.
- Mm-hmm.
And by the way, those are called emojis.
Huh? Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
I might use 'em, but I'm not gonna call 'em that.
Okay.
- Ooh, cinnamon swirl bread.
- Oh! No, no, no.
No touching that.
It's for Christmas day brunch.
[CHUCKLES.]
And no sniffing either.
Sniffing leads to touching.
Mom used to make Christmas Day brunch, but now Patsy does using Mom's old recipes.
And this year is extra special because I'm cooking for 12 and eating for two.
[CHUCKLES.]
When it comes to gift giving, your boy goes hard on the paint.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- Yeah.
Dad.
Stop staring at my hair.
This is the new Kayla.
I liked the old Kayla.
Well, the old Kayla didn't like the old Kayla, so she became the new Kayla who happens to love the new Kayla.
Okay.
So, Dad, you gearing up for Grandpa Jack coming over? No gearing up necessary.
He is your mother's father and I love him.
He's a cherished member of this family.
[INHALES.]
And he comes over whether I invite him or not.
Grandpa Jack thinks his daughter could have done way better than Don.
Legend has it, he said that during his toast at their wedding.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, man.
If I had a time machine, that would be stop one.
He loves to just needle Don.
He calls this his house because he gave Don the down payment for it 30 years ago.
Drives Don crazy.
[CHUCKLES.]
I love Grandpa Jack.
So? - Merry Christmas.
- [CHUCKLES.]
I can't wait to exchange gifts with my super awesome boyfriend.
[CHUCKLES.]
Right back at you, my super awesome girlfriend.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
[MATT SIGHS.]
Dude, I don't have a Christmas gift for Emmy.
I got so caught up deciding whether to propose or not, I did not even think about needing a backup gift.
Remember last night when everyone was mad at me for trying to make our baby Jewish? You make me look so good.
[DOORBELL RINGS.]
[DON GROANS.]
Merry Christmas, Jack.
Happy Holidays! And yes, I said, "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas" just to tick you off.
Emmy Bear, come here.
[BOTH CHUCKLE.]
[JACK.]
Mmm! Are you the lady CEO of that job of yours yet? [CHUCKLES.]
They just call it CEO, Grandpa.
And no, - but I might have some big news later.
- Oh.
Kayla.
My favorite.
- Hi! - Mmm.
Oh, where's that handsome husband of yours? - Oh.
Actually, Alan and I are separated.
- Good riddance.
Too skinny.
I could never tell if he left a room or just turned sideways.
[CHUCKLES.]
I love you, Grandpa Jack! There we go.
Jack, you know we don't drink in this house.
Yes, but I'm only doing it in the 20% of the house I paid for.
Joy, please, you gotta help me out.
I need a present for Emmy.
Anything you can pick up on your way over.
A gas card.
A lotto scratcher.
A bottle of wine.
That last one's for me.
- Sorry, Baby Duck.
- Oh! Oh, my God.
You know, I was already bummed that I'm not proposing today.
Now Emmy's Christmas is gonna be ruined 'cause her boyfriend got her a big box of I don't even have a big box.
- Still in our jammies, I see.
- [CHUCKLES.]
[DON EXHALES.]
Merry Christmas, Joy.
Merry Christmas.
I thought you guys could use a little backup money while Sean looks for a new job.
And unlike Grandpa Jack, I'm never gonna mention that check again.
Wow, Don.
That's incredibly thoughtful of you.
- Mm-hmm.
- But you know how stubborn Sean is.
He won't take a handout.
On the other hand, I'll make him.
That's why I gave it to you.
You're pushy.
And since I'm not married to you, I like it.
[DRONE HUMMING.]
- Whoa.
- Poppy Don, check out what Santa got me.
Hey, be careful with that thing, all right? Actually, why don't you guys take it outside and you can play with it around Grandpa Jack's car.
[DON CHUCKLES.]
There you go.
- Nancy.
Hey! - [CHUCKLES.]
Hey.
Merry Christmas.
You too.
I was just, um, dropping off a gift.
- For me? - Mm-hmm.
- Why don't you come inside? - Uh, no.
- I should get going.
- Oh, come on.
I've got a huge tin of popcorn in there.
It's got three flavor compartments.
- I only have one mouth.
- [NANCY LAUGHS.]
- Come on.
- Okay.
Just for a second.
Hey, everybody.
[CHUCKLES.]
- You remember Nancy from urgent care.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Merry Christmas.
- Hi.
- Merry Christmas.
- Nancy, I, uh, think you've met my kids.
- Yeah.
Oh, there's Matt, who staple-gunned my head.
Accidentally, sir.
- And that's, uh, everybody.
- Who's this? Jack, uh, this is my friend Nancy.
Nancy, this is Jack, my father-in-law.
Who, for one brief, beautiful moment, I forgot was here.
So you're a friend of Don's? Mm-hmm.
You do any other charity work? [JACK LAUGHS.]
[CHUCKLES.]
Nancy just stopped by to give me this beautiful travel mug.
[GASPS.]
It's perfect.
Just the other day, I went to take a sip of coffee, - and guess what? - It was cold.
It was ice cold.
Thank you, milady.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna take this little bad boy in there for a test drive.
I'll get us both some coffee.
- Oh, n no.
Thank you.
I'm gonna go.
- Oh, no.
One cup.
I won't take no for an answer.
Please.
[NANCY.]
Mmm Okay.
Okay.
Honey.
- What are you doing? - Oh, this coffee smells bad.
These eggs smell bad too.
Uh-oh.
This happened to me when I was pregnant.
Your sense of smell goes crazy.
I couldn't even be in the same room as milk.
[GAGS.]
Please don't say milk.
Oh, I forgot to ask Nancy if she wanted her coffee with milk.
[GAGS.]
Patsy, if you feel sick, why don't you let me help you? I've made French toast before.
But it's my thing.
I will power through.
[CHUCKLES.]
Nope.
Okay, here.
You, uh You put on this apron so you don't get anything on your outfit.
But also, don't get anything on the apron, and maybe clean up as you go.
Oh, and I have noticed you are a little generous with the salt - Milk.
- [GAGS.]
[SIGHS.]
How long is Dad gonna keep Nancy here? I mean, it's been like an hour.
Like, when does this become a hostage situation? Matt, look.
For Christmas, Donny made us these coupons - for foot massages.
- Oh, cute.
[CHUCKLES.]
Oh, stupid Donny.
Hey.
Do you think he was working on his proposal? I can't wait for him to ask.
And you need to look like someone worth asking.
- Wow.
- What? There's gonna be a lot of photos.
And Instagram is forever.
You're right.
Start with my brows and work your way out.
Oh, I'm so excited.
[DON.]
Hmm.
My coffee? Still piping hot.
Is it five fire emojis hot, Dad? [KAYLA AND TODD CHUCKLE.]
[CHUCKLES.]
I I told everyone about our fun little text exchange.
- Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
- Yeah.
- You did? - [CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
Okay, well, you know what? I think I have to go.
Oh.
Oh, Sean.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Get a picture of me and Nancy and my new mug.
A mug-shot.
[CHUCKLES.]
I, uh, really have to go.
It was nice re-meeting all of you.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Merry Christmas, Don.
- Merry Christmas.
- Bye.
- [DOOR CLOSES.]
- [CHUCKLES.]
[JACK.]
So, you're dating someone new and decided that that wasn't information that your deceased wife's father needed to know.
No, Jack.
Nancy and I, uh Uh, we haven't even been on an official date yet.
Wait, you're not dating? - No.
- [LAUGHS.]
Well, no wonder she ran out of here.
You were acting like you were already an item.
You bozo.
No, I wasn't.
I Was I? [MOUTHS.]
Yeah.
Oh, I I kissed her hand.
[GROANS.]
Did I say "milady"? How you landed my daughter is a mystery for the ages.
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
[INHALES.]
[EXHALES.]
Hello, Patsy.
Are you calling me from the bathroom? Yes, I am dipping, not dunking.
Yes, I am measuring meticulously.
Ah, all right, take care.
Story of my life.
Too nice.
[JOY EXHALES.]
Find a gift yet, ding-dong? I think I did.
[CHUCKLES.]
I found this in the back of a cabinet in the spare room.
It's her favorite color.
Totally her taste.
I'm sure it is.
"Emmy Quinn.
Grade seven.
" [DON.]
Okay, present time.
Oh, God.
Dude, I know.
You're good at coming up with songs on the fly.
Why don't you just do a classic, you know I'm Matt and I'm cute And I sing music Yes.
I don't even need to come up with a whole new song.
I already got the song I wrote for the proposal.
I'll just tweak that bad boy as I go, and I'm back in the game.
Thanks, guys.
Ooh.
Outlaws on three.
No, Todd.
I forgot how much I love presents! They make you forget about your problems.
Oh.
A book about divorce.
So You're Alone.
- Merry Christmas, little sis.
- [DON CHUCKLES.]
Oh, my God.
It's a piece of the original storyboard from Star Wars.
[CHUCKLES.]
Wow.
I don't deserve this.
Oh, babe, I'm sure what you're giving me will be pretty good too.
Time for Matt to give his gift to Emmy.
[CHUCKLES.]
And I'm gonna film it.
For no reason.
Um, all right.
Uh, well, my present to Emmy is, uh It's a little different.
Um I thought that I would, uh, give her a a song.
[CHUCKLES.]
[JACK.]
A song? Is he bad with money like you? It's Christmas Day And all is right I dreamt of you all through the night I pictured you My heart did race 'Cause in my dreams, I saw your face And I've been wanting To ask for a while The question that leads us To the aisle Land of love So make my Christmas wish come true Let's stand before our friends and say Woo-hoo I can't watch this.
- I know.
- [MARGIE FUSSES.]
But I can't look away.
And the only thing that'll make this day Go more merrily Is Emmy, will you Keep dating me? - [APPLAUSE.]
- [JOY.]
Yay.
Okay, who's next? [SIGHS.]
Presents.
Yay.
Is that it? Uh, pretty much.
It was, uh great.
Thank you.
Save for blackmail.
[SIGHS.]
I just wish I never found that stupid ring.
I got my hopes up for nothing.
I feel like such an idiot.
Oh.
You're not an idiot.
Okay? You're just dating one.
Don't say that.
Or maybe do.
I don't know.
I mean, it's just It's so frustrating.
Like, that song was clearly supposed to be a proposal.
And then, it just went down the disposal.
See? Even I can write a better song than him.
I just don't understand why he didn't do it.
I'm sorry, Em.
But on the plus side, I have a video that, in a few months, you will find hilarious.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Why is that apron on your body? Is your body pregnant? Relax, it's Patsy's.
Oh, thank God.
'Cause I love our kids, but I don't think I have it in me to love another one.
Speaking of surprises, your dad gave us this.
And before you freak out, remember, we need it, I want it, shut up.
No, we're not taking this.
I've only been out of work a month.
Okay, fair point, but hear me out.
We need it.
I want it.
Shut up.
We don't need help from my dad.
I'm my own man and I can take care of our family.
I'm mad about the check, but also a little turned on.
[DON.]
Family photo time! Okay.
All right, Matt, you take the picture.
You all know the drill.
Girls on the couch with me.
Guys in the back, and Grandpa Jack to the side so he's easy to cut out.
Okay.
Emmy, you look especially lovely.
I love it.
Love it.
Alan, scooch in a bit.
- Alan! - Hi, Kay.
Quinns.
Photographer.
Um, Matt.
We met on the, uh That's not important.
Alan.
You're not welcome in this house.
Daddy.
I got this.
What are you doing here? Kayla, I-I woke up this morning, and it hit me how much I miss you.
[INHALES.]
I don't want to do Christmas morning without you.
I don't want to do any morning without you.
Will you take me back? [KAYLA SIGHS.]
[MOUTHS.]
Come on.
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
[GASPS.]
- Aww.
- Yay! No! Way! No way! What a wonderful, not-upsetting-at-all turn of events.
[MATT CHUCKLES.]
I love my new earrings, Alan.
- [ALAN.]
I love your ears.
- [LAUGHS.]
That's so funny.
[INDISTINCT CHATTERING.]
Em.
Aw, thanks, Matt.
[GLASS CLINKS.]
[DON CLICKS TONGUE, INHALES.]
Heavenly Father.
On this Christmas morning, we thank you for your bounty, and for giving Alan the good sense to come back to Kayla.
You see, God, sometimes us men, we aren't good at affairs of the heart.
We get excited.
We overstep.
He's talking about how he scared that lady out of here.
[SNORTS.]
Anyway thanks for the grub, Lord.
- Amen.
- [ALL.]
Amen.
Hey, guys.
Uh, just remember, it's Joy's first time cooking Christmas brunch, so be kind.
This is so good, Joy.
You've been holding out on us at home.
Babe, you have to try this amazing French toast.
- Mmm, yum.
Mmm.
- [DONNY.]
It's really good, Mom.
Wow.
Okay.
So everyone's genuinely loving it.
[CHUCKLES.]
[DONNY.]
It's really good, Mom.
Maybe Joy can raise my baby, too.
[CELL PHONE RINGING.]
No phones at the table! - [CONTINUES RINGING.]
- It's your phone, Dad.
- Hmm.
- [CONTINUES RINGING.]
Hello.
What? It's Christmas.
You got to be kidding.
Okay, fine.
[GROANS.]
Bad news.
I have to go in to work.
- What? - [ALL.]
Aww.
It's a Christmas miracle! [SIGHS.]
Hey, Barney Fife.
You really blew it with that woman.
So you mentioned.
Look, uh, I know I give you a lot of guff because you make it so easy.
But for what it's worth when you started dating my daughter, she always said the thing she liked about you is that you were confident enough to hang back and let her take the lead.
So, with the next one, maybe try that.
Well Thanks, Jack.
All righty.
See you at Easter.
Don't start.
I'm not starting.
Just saying, as the only person who knows what's going on with you, what's going on with you? Oh.
Oh, you're gonna criticize my life decisions today? Okay.
Look, I I'm getting back together with my husband, which is my choice.
Okay.
You don't know me, Matt.
What? You've been here for what, five days? Look, Alan and I have known each other for almost ten years and a lot of those years were fine.
And they lived finely ever after.
Look, I'm just worried you're going back to the life you seemed happy to be free of.
When did I seem happy to you? When when I was secretly staring at bikini photos of Alan's assistant? When I was getting rejected at the mall? When I was talking to a fish? Yeah, no.
I guess not any of those times.
Look, I just I just want everything to go back to how it was.
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DOOR CLOSES.]
[DRONE HUMMING.]
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY.]
Hey.
I just wanted to say I'm sorry brunch came out so well.
That is so sweet of you to say.
It's just, since my mom passed away, I've - I've felt like I just need to - Patsy.
You don't have to be everyone's mom anymore.
Just that little one's.
- Oh! - Oh.
[CHUCKLES.]
Okay.
I guess you're in the hyper emotional stage of pregnancy too.
No.
This is just me.
All right, boys, time to go.
I haven't even gotten a turn yet.
Donny's hogging it.
Donny, give your father a turn.
So, you have a fish.
I stole it from urgent care when Matt staple-gunned my dad's head and fell off the roof.
You missed a lot.
Yeah.
I got that from your haircut.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, Emmy messed it up, but don't worry, I'll be back to normal soon.
- Up! Other up! You're going down! - Stop distracting me.
- I got it! I - [GLASS SHATTERS.]
[DOG BARKING.]
Sorry, Mr.
Zarkades.
[CHUCKLES.]
These kids.
I'll pay for that.
There's tape inside.
Thanks.
You still turned on? Sure.
[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY.]
Hey, Em.
I have, uh, one more gift for you.
I just wanted to wait till it was just us.
Oh.
There's only one way to know for sure.
Eagles suck! Yep, we're alone.
[LAUGHS.]
It's a couples cooking class.
[CHUCKLES.]
For paella.
You know, I thought we could, uh, make the paella together.
- You know, then eat the paella together - I found the ring, Matt.
I don't know why I'm surprised.
You deciding not to propose at the last minute, it's so classic Matt.
What are you talking about? What I've been talking about.
I mean, you being satisfied playing one show a week with your band, and canceling the solo gig in Philly.
And yeah, backing out on the proposal.
It's like you don't follow through on anything.
All right.
I think I've slept it off.
Now I'm gonna go out and see if the breathalyzer will let me start my car.
Merry Christmas.
Okay, FYI, I asked your dad for his blessing on day one of this trip and he said no.
- What? - Yes.
Okay, okay.
Well, don't Don't blame this on him.
Because if you really wanted to ask me, you would have asked me.
So don't pretend like that's why you didn't propose.
You know what? You're right, Emmy.
That's not the reason.
I didn't propose because I found your job offer letter.
And when were you gonna tell me about that? I I didn't think I was gonna take the job.
You didn't think, but you might have? You might have taken a job and moved back to Philadelphia? - Cool.
Good to know.
- [EMMY.]
Okay.
Well, I'm sorry, but it's hard for me to turn down opportunities when I'm the only one thinking about the future instead of just floating through life, hoping everything's gonna work out.
Yes! Yes! I have a different approach to life than you.
I don't feel like I have to control every single detail of it.
But it's who I've always been.
And since, in the last week, you decided you don't like that guy anymore, then maybe I should just go back to LA.
Go.
It's what you've been wanting to do ever since we got here.
[MATT.]
Yeah.
And maybe you should take that job.
- I think I will.
- Fine.
- Good.
- Great! Nope.
I'm glad that clerk decked you.
Stealing a Salvation Army kettle on Christmas! In my defense, I'm super high.
- [SCOFFS.]
- Don? What are you doing here? - Oh, Nancy, hey.
- Hey.
I got called into work at the last minute.
- Oh.
Me too.
- [DON SIGHS.]
Already using it.
Hey.
Nance, I'm sorry about this morning.
I didn't mean to ambush you.
I I just Whatever we're doing, or not doing I'm not good at it.
[CHUCKLES.]
No, you are not.
I'm just gonna hang back.
Let you take the lead.
[INHALES.]
Sounds good.
I hate it when Jack's right.
- [DON SIGHS.]
- [NANCY CHUCKLES.]
[DON CHUCKLES.]
To working on Christmas.
- Cheers to that.
- [NANCY CHUCKLES.]
[DON EXHALES.]
[DOOR OPENS.]
[DON.]
Silent night - [DOOR CLOSES.]
- Holy night All is calm All is bright Emmy's having some tea I think I'll also have tea You in a better mood? Good old Christmas never lets you down.
Hey.
Hey, you okay? Matt and I got in a fight, and, uh, he's flying back to LA.
And I think we broke up.
Oh, sweetie.
Oh I'm so sorry.
Are you? Then when he asked for your blessing, why did you say no? [EMMY SIGHS.]