Metalocalypse (2006) s01e06 Episode Script
Dethfam
The lyrics clearly state, "Go into the water.
Go into the water.
Live there.
Die there.
" And my clients all tried to breathe water and nearly died because of this underwater album by your band Dethklok.
Why don't you go breathe underwater? I suggest that it was your intention to create an album that caused destruction to human life.
Suggest all you want! It won't make your wienie any bigger you dildo lizard! - This band is a danger to the human race.
- Yous a danger of putting us to asleep.
I would have brought a sleepings bag I known this guys was gonna show up.
Your honor, we demand $50 million for medical bills and punitive damages.
- Hey, how about we compromise.
- I'll give you half of nothing.
The album clearly states, "Intended for fish only.
" I rest my case.
Not guilty.
~ Do anything for Dethklok Do anything for Dethklok ~ ~ Do anything for Dethklok Do anything for Dethklok ~ ~ Do anything for Dethklok ~ ~ Dethklok, Dethklok, Dethklok, Dethklok ~ ~ I'll teach you ~ ~ Who rock ~ ~ Dethklok! Dethklok! ~ ~ Skwisgaar Skwigelf Taller than a tree ~ ~ Toki Wartooth Not a bumble bee ~ ~ William Murderface Murderface, Murderface ~ ~ Pickles the Drummer Doodily doo ~ ~ Ding-dong Doodily doodily doo ~ ~ Nathan Explosion ~ - Well, the real stuff.
- Whatever.
You preferred that we'd lose? - No.
I was thinking about the next album.
- Right.
You mean how we supposed to top an album that made a million people - accidentally kill themselves? - Exactly.
Hey, why don't we just record people dying? Like all the world leaders or a bunch of ladies.
That would be heavy.
We can't really get writers' credit for something like that.
Good point.
You're up, Judge Alfonzo.
Thank you, William.
Well, maybe we should takes a break.
You know, being bleak and dark for a living sometimes makes you lose objectivity for you know, being bleak and dark.
And now we will auction the skull from the famous comedian Buddy Hackett.
We'll start this bid $50,000.
- Oh, I gots to have that.
- 50,000.
Do I hear 60,000? Yeah.
This going to be a long night.
So what you're saying is, we do the opposite of bleak and dark? - Yeah.
- What's the opposite of tragedy? Comedy.
It appears that Dethklok has taken to studying comedy.
This is not good, gentlemen.
With all due respect, Senator, how can this mean anything to world economics? It means everything.
It's true that comedy has been no threat to us over the last 15 years but with Dethklok in the mix they threaten to excite a field of entertainment we all know to be dead.
Gentlemen, our comedy specialist, Dr.
Donald Gorthian.
Well, the people of the world are depressed and stupid.
They look to comedy to lighten the load of their boring, dreadful lives.
These idiots have been force-fed garbage from our own secret cable networks and our own employees covering its high-profile stand-up and sketch comics.
Should we lose control of this, only God knows what will happen.
Autobots remember those? How about decepticons? Remember those? What about masters of the universe? Hey, talk about egomaniacs.
Masters of the universe.
We're masters of the universe.
Hey, at least they ain't smurfs, huh? Or worse, snorks.
Remember the snorks? Remember those? That sounds like someone falling asleep.
Snork.
Snorks.
Ladies and gentlemen, please be gentle.
It's their first time on stage.
The Brothers of Deception.
So, I was thinking of killing myself.
That's funny.
I was thinking of killing you, too.
Well, how do you like that? Mom always hated you most.
She hates both of us the most.
I hate you seriously.
OK.
What if your guts was a bowling ball? Well, I bet it would look something like this.
Yeah.
I'm real sick of my brother.
Yeah, we're twins.
Anybody got twins out there? Yeah, I bet he don't got one like this.
Meet Quatto.
Oh, hey, body bag.
How's it going? Smells like somebody took a crap in here.
Oh, body bag.
Oh, look, body bag.
It's your old friend's brains.
Hey, idiot, I'm brains.
I go in your head.
OK.
We're going to delight you all with a little improvisational comedy.
OK.
And all we need to get started is one location.
How about a different comedy club? OK.
I heard a gas station.
I'm a gas-station attendant.
Fill her up.
I am driving a Corvette.
It's midnight blue with chrome Hey, Pippi Longboring, you suck! - Can you fill it just a little bit faster? - Well, I'm drunk.
- I just can't seem to find a gas can.
- That's because it's a stool, Murderface.
Hey, idiot, don't negate the premise.
It's on It's over there Wherever.
Please, Herbie.
I would like to leave this horrible place.
Yeah.
I should check the oil.
I'll go get my tools.
You know what? I'm gonna leave.
This sucks.
- Good luck dying out there.
- Are you leaving? Yes, I'm leaving.
Hey, ugly, what are you just sitting there for? Make us laugh! Get off the stage! Get off the stage! Help me.
Help me Help.
Cut Quatto? I'll cut body bag before I cut Quatto.
Quatto stays.
Quatto's gold.
The best metal band of all time and we get booed off the stage.
They just didn't get it.
They'll laugh at the dildo who is on stage before us.
That guy was amazing.
Are you kidding? He is horrible, Stokie.
He just made the reference.
"Remember this? Remember that?" He is dildo.
- But you laugh.
- I did? - He was pretty good.
- He was great! Maybe we'll do better tomorrow.
Are you kidding me? I died up there.
It was brutal, and I ain't never going back up there again 'cause I ain't funny, and neither are any of you.
I'm dark and brutal and filled with hatred.
I ain't got no sense of humor.
You want to do comedy, do it without me.
I'm leaving.
Aye.
Comedy ain't never about humor.
'Taint no difference if you ask me.
But that just doesn't seem to make any sense at all.
Comedy is about expressing your hate.
The more hate you have the funnier those rusty dildos sitting at them tables will think you are.
But I bomb, and I hate everything.
Aye.
But do you hate yourself? Hate myself? Ah, yeah.
Especially now.
Bombing on stage, And Mr.
Tangerine Pigtails went running away.
Will take some time for him to recover from that horror he went through.
I hate myself.
Yeah.
Now you're getting it.
And once you can get in touch with your inner hatred you can unleash it into the world.
And once you embrace your hate, you will murder them, and you will kill.
You will kill! ~ Step before the jury ~ ~ Draw your friends of fury ~ ~ Corporate greed is death Hate judges ~ ~ Step into the spotlight ~ ~ You, I, hate ~ ~ Await your death ~ ~ Your time has come ~ ~ To die on stage ~ All right.
Everyone do a crappy job.
Remember to hate yourselves.
- Well, I really hate myself.
- Pickle, you back! We think you leave for good.
Bombing on stage really screwed me up.
I can't even play my douche-bag drums no more 'cause of stupid comedy.
You know there's only one way to fix that.
You gotta get back up there.
- But I can't do - What, what? The audience.
Aye.
The audience.
Now gather round, all ya.
I've been talking a lot about hatred but there's something bigger out there something you should hate even more than anything and that's the audience.
And now please welcome to the stage Pickles.
So, anysways, I just got back from vacation and I went to the beach for vacation.
And you know what I got at the beach? Sand.
Oh, my eye! I can't see! OK, all right.
So I donated blood the other day.
Not mine.
Guys want to see me donate some blood to you? Do you? OK.
Can't teach him no more.
Yeah! I thought this was the NRA.
Any of you dildos want to fight? What about you, grandma? I'm just messing with you.
Go into the water.
Live there.
Die there.
" And my clients all tried to breathe water and nearly died because of this underwater album by your band Dethklok.
Why don't you go breathe underwater? I suggest that it was your intention to create an album that caused destruction to human life.
Suggest all you want! It won't make your wienie any bigger you dildo lizard! - This band is a danger to the human race.
- Yous a danger of putting us to asleep.
I would have brought a sleepings bag I known this guys was gonna show up.
Your honor, we demand $50 million for medical bills and punitive damages.
- Hey, how about we compromise.
- I'll give you half of nothing.
The album clearly states, "Intended for fish only.
" I rest my case.
Not guilty.
~ Do anything for Dethklok Do anything for Dethklok ~ ~ Do anything for Dethklok Do anything for Dethklok ~ ~ Do anything for Dethklok ~ ~ Dethklok, Dethklok, Dethklok, Dethklok ~ ~ I'll teach you ~ ~ Who rock ~ ~ Dethklok! Dethklok! ~ ~ Skwisgaar Skwigelf Taller than a tree ~ ~ Toki Wartooth Not a bumble bee ~ ~ William Murderface Murderface, Murderface ~ ~ Pickles the Drummer Doodily doo ~ ~ Ding-dong Doodily doodily doo ~ ~ Nathan Explosion ~ - Well, the real stuff.
- Whatever.
You preferred that we'd lose? - No.
I was thinking about the next album.
- Right.
You mean how we supposed to top an album that made a million people - accidentally kill themselves? - Exactly.
Hey, why don't we just record people dying? Like all the world leaders or a bunch of ladies.
That would be heavy.
We can't really get writers' credit for something like that.
Good point.
You're up, Judge Alfonzo.
Thank you, William.
Well, maybe we should takes a break.
You know, being bleak and dark for a living sometimes makes you lose objectivity for you know, being bleak and dark.
And now we will auction the skull from the famous comedian Buddy Hackett.
We'll start this bid $50,000.
- Oh, I gots to have that.
- 50,000.
Do I hear 60,000? Yeah.
This going to be a long night.
So what you're saying is, we do the opposite of bleak and dark? - Yeah.
- What's the opposite of tragedy? Comedy.
It appears that Dethklok has taken to studying comedy.
This is not good, gentlemen.
With all due respect, Senator, how can this mean anything to world economics? It means everything.
It's true that comedy has been no threat to us over the last 15 years but with Dethklok in the mix they threaten to excite a field of entertainment we all know to be dead.
Gentlemen, our comedy specialist, Dr.
Donald Gorthian.
Well, the people of the world are depressed and stupid.
They look to comedy to lighten the load of their boring, dreadful lives.
These idiots have been force-fed garbage from our own secret cable networks and our own employees covering its high-profile stand-up and sketch comics.
Should we lose control of this, only God knows what will happen.
Autobots remember those? How about decepticons? Remember those? What about masters of the universe? Hey, talk about egomaniacs.
Masters of the universe.
We're masters of the universe.
Hey, at least they ain't smurfs, huh? Or worse, snorks.
Remember the snorks? Remember those? That sounds like someone falling asleep.
Snork.
Snorks.
Ladies and gentlemen, please be gentle.
It's their first time on stage.
The Brothers of Deception.
So, I was thinking of killing myself.
That's funny.
I was thinking of killing you, too.
Well, how do you like that? Mom always hated you most.
She hates both of us the most.
I hate you seriously.
OK.
What if your guts was a bowling ball? Well, I bet it would look something like this.
Yeah.
I'm real sick of my brother.
Yeah, we're twins.
Anybody got twins out there? Yeah, I bet he don't got one like this.
Meet Quatto.
Oh, hey, body bag.
How's it going? Smells like somebody took a crap in here.
Oh, body bag.
Oh, look, body bag.
It's your old friend's brains.
Hey, idiot, I'm brains.
I go in your head.
OK.
We're going to delight you all with a little improvisational comedy.
OK.
And all we need to get started is one location.
How about a different comedy club? OK.
I heard a gas station.
I'm a gas-station attendant.
Fill her up.
I am driving a Corvette.
It's midnight blue with chrome Hey, Pippi Longboring, you suck! - Can you fill it just a little bit faster? - Well, I'm drunk.
- I just can't seem to find a gas can.
- That's because it's a stool, Murderface.
Hey, idiot, don't negate the premise.
It's on It's over there Wherever.
Please, Herbie.
I would like to leave this horrible place.
Yeah.
I should check the oil.
I'll go get my tools.
You know what? I'm gonna leave.
This sucks.
- Good luck dying out there.
- Are you leaving? Yes, I'm leaving.
Hey, ugly, what are you just sitting there for? Make us laugh! Get off the stage! Get off the stage! Help me.
Help me Help.
Cut Quatto? I'll cut body bag before I cut Quatto.
Quatto stays.
Quatto's gold.
The best metal band of all time and we get booed off the stage.
They just didn't get it.
They'll laugh at the dildo who is on stage before us.
That guy was amazing.
Are you kidding? He is horrible, Stokie.
He just made the reference.
"Remember this? Remember that?" He is dildo.
- But you laugh.
- I did? - He was pretty good.
- He was great! Maybe we'll do better tomorrow.
Are you kidding me? I died up there.
It was brutal, and I ain't never going back up there again 'cause I ain't funny, and neither are any of you.
I'm dark and brutal and filled with hatred.
I ain't got no sense of humor.
You want to do comedy, do it without me.
I'm leaving.
Aye.
Comedy ain't never about humor.
'Taint no difference if you ask me.
But that just doesn't seem to make any sense at all.
Comedy is about expressing your hate.
The more hate you have the funnier those rusty dildos sitting at them tables will think you are.
But I bomb, and I hate everything.
Aye.
But do you hate yourself? Hate myself? Ah, yeah.
Especially now.
Bombing on stage, And Mr.
Tangerine Pigtails went running away.
Will take some time for him to recover from that horror he went through.
I hate myself.
Yeah.
Now you're getting it.
And once you can get in touch with your inner hatred you can unleash it into the world.
And once you embrace your hate, you will murder them, and you will kill.
You will kill! ~ Step before the jury ~ ~ Draw your friends of fury ~ ~ Corporate greed is death Hate judges ~ ~ Step into the spotlight ~ ~ You, I, hate ~ ~ Await your death ~ ~ Your time has come ~ ~ To die on stage ~ All right.
Everyone do a crappy job.
Remember to hate yourselves.
- Well, I really hate myself.
- Pickle, you back! We think you leave for good.
Bombing on stage really screwed me up.
I can't even play my douche-bag drums no more 'cause of stupid comedy.
You know there's only one way to fix that.
You gotta get back up there.
- But I can't do - What, what? The audience.
Aye.
The audience.
Now gather round, all ya.
I've been talking a lot about hatred but there's something bigger out there something you should hate even more than anything and that's the audience.
And now please welcome to the stage Pickles.
So, anysways, I just got back from vacation and I went to the beach for vacation.
And you know what I got at the beach? Sand.
Oh, my eye! I can't see! OK, all right.
So I donated blood the other day.
Not mine.
Guys want to see me donate some blood to you? Do you? OK.
Can't teach him no more.
Yeah! I thought this was the NRA.
Any of you dildos want to fight? What about you, grandma? I'm just messing with you.