Mind Your Language (1977) s01e06 Episode Script

- Good evening Mr.
Brown - Good evening Gladys You'll get me shot! They're for her ladyship She won't miss one - ls the old dragon in? - Yes the old dragon is in - Oh, good evening - I'll take that Are we economising on biscuits, Gladys? I'll get you some more - I don't think she likes me - She doesn't like anybody - By the way, many happy returns of the day - How did you know it was my birthday? I saw your date of birth last week in her ladyship's ledger - Accidentally of course - Oh, of course You haven't told anyone else it's my birthday, have you? No, not a soul Quick please! Teacher coming - Good evening - Ready.
Von, two, tree Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday to you! Happy birthday Mr.
Brown! Happy birthday to you - Wasn't that nice? - Hadn't told a soul, eh? Well I might have mentioned it to one or two people Thank you all for your good wishes - We are wanting to show our appreciation - That's very kind of you - And we are all buying you a little present - What? Oh, no - You shouldn't have - But we already have May your shadow never diminish - Thank you! Can I open it now? - Yes please It is something for you to be using every day - A pen, very nice - It is what you are calling a waterfall pen - A waterfall pen? - That is correct - Ah, you mean a fountain pen - A thousand apologies for my ignorance Excuse me - What for you buy a pen? - For the birthday - I buy the pen - I am not knowing what you are buying You take your pen and change for something else No, it's you who must be changing! Teacher prefer my pen How you know? Mr.
Brown, my pen is much better - It write underwater - I'm sure that's very useful My pen is writing in different colours Look, I'll tell you what I'll do! I'll take both pens After all, two pens are better than one - Excuse please - Yes Taro Three pens better than two - You haven't? - Yeso I'll tell you what! Rather than show any preference It might be a good idea if you all exchanged your pens for something else Thank you - Por favor? - Yes Juan - Felicidades en su cumpleaños - Por favor, Pardon? - Happy bornday - Birthday - Sí, sí - Thank you - I wonder what this is - Pluma estilográfica - Yes what's that? - A pen Oh dear! - I change? - Yeah I think so but thank you - Happy birthday professori - Thank you Giovanni For you! Well at least, it's not a pen - It's a salami! Mucha garlic, very strong - Yes, I can smell that! Thank you - Excuse me please! Many happy returnings - Thank you Ali I am buying for you nothing at all Oh well, never mind - But I am giving you this - A card? Oh no, inside you will be finding a gift voucher from Arrid's - Harrods? - Yes please You can be buying anything whatsoever you are wishing - Anything? - Oh yes From Harrods of Knightsbridge? No please Arrids of Camden! Abraham Arrids! Second hand shop! Nothing over a pound Oh well thank you Ali Yes Jamila - Hoppy - Happy, yes - Bertday - Well done! Thank you Very nice Holly - Holly? - Holly Holy - Worn by Gaai - Gaai? A holy monk? No Gaai! Holy Cow And now it's my turn to give you something Yes Danielle But first, I wish you happy birthday like we do in France Quiet! Quiet! San you Thank you Danielle - And I have something else very French - Thank you - Eau de toilette! Merci beaucoup - Je vous en prie It is a pleasure for me to give you something Excuse me please! What is the nature of the gift you are receiving from Danielle? Eau de toilette! Toilet water! You put it on your face Oh blimey!! You are putting water from the toilet on your face? - No Ali, not that kind of toilet water - Jelly good May the spillit of universal blotherhood descend upon you - I'm sure it will - Boo to lead evely day - I hope it's a good read - The best! Thoughts of Chairman Mao - Very uprifting! Lifting - Personarry autoglaphed - By Mao? - By me - Now is me - Yes Anna I haf made for you a grosse apfel strudel - Very grosse! Dane - Bitte Thank you all for you generous gifts But I really think we ought to get on with our lesson Now, this week we are going to look at the vowel sounds - Anybody know what a vowel sound is? - Yes please - It is rumbling tummy - Ali, vowel not bowel - Sorry please - There are five vowels in the alphabet - A, E, I, O, U - A, E, I, O, U Firstly, we will take the letter A This can be pronounced in three different ways! It can be Ay, A, or AH Ay, A, or Ah - Excuse me - Yes Max? I am not understanding how can a A be a R? It isn't the letter R, but sometimes it is pronounced AR Dio Gratios, what a language! I'll give you some examples! Let us take the word FA - Now that has a flat A sound! AH - AH Good But if we add an E to the end of fat - What do we have? - Fatty No Giovanni, Fate Does anybody now what the word fate means? - Por favor - Yes Juan - Two fate - Two fate? Si señor, one right fate, one left fate No Juan, those are feet Perdón Now moving on to the E! The letter E is usually pronounced ''eh'' as in bet, set, get But there are of course exceptions to the rule! For example, FETE is also pronounced Fete Si señor, one right fete, one left fete - No, no Juan - No? - Those are feet, I told you before - It's alright, it's alright Let's move on to the letter I which is usually pronounced I or IH Can anybody give me an example of the IH sound? How would you pronounce FIT? - Feet - Si señor, one right feet, one left feet - No Juan - No? - Imbecile - Imbécil tú If you want to argue, argue in English - Go back to ltaly you Italian spaghetti - You big spanish omellette Excuse me, her ladyship wants to see you in her office Thank you Gladys! I'll be in in a moment Maybe she's gonna give you the birthday present Yes and maybe the pope is getting married He is? I never read that It was a joke Look I'll be as quick as I can Meanwhile, if you all turn to page eighty three And study the sentences giving examples of various vowel sounds Giovanni, would you take charge of the class while I'm away? Sure Allow me O, I'm in charge! Who wants the vino? Enter - You wanted to see me Miss Courtney? - Yes - I understand it's your birthday - That's correct! Another milestone Personally, I don't believe in celebrating birthdays I fail to see how the passing of years can be an occasion for rejoicing No of course! You're right I suppose Now Mr.
Brown! When you commenced teaching here, I said I'd give you a month trial - Yes - That month is now up And I feel it's only fair to you to put an end to your worry about the future That's very kind of you Miss Courtney and I assure you, you won't regret it I know I won't Miss Hardacre will start on Wednesday - Miss Hardacre? - Yes She will be taking over your class You remember I did tell you I prefer women teachers You mean I've got the push? Let's just say we no longer require your services I feel that Miss Hardacre will be much more suitable Well in that case, I suggest you get Miss much suitable Hardacre to take over tonight Because I'm going home - You can't just walk out like that? - Oh yes I can I won't say it's been a pleasure because it hasn't All I can say is ''In lndia you'd be sacred'' 10 p.
Okay, I stick Pontoon, five card tricks only - What you got? - Queen of heart, Jockey of spades You should not be playing the cards! You should be learning the English Anna is right! You should be improving your mind You can improve my mind anytime! How about tonight? We have the meal, a couple of glass of vino, then back to my place to make love - That is not improving the mind - No, but it's very good for the body Teacher is coming! Would you all pay attention please! I have something rather important to tell you I'm afraid that Miss Courtney has terminated my engagement - That is very big surprise to me - Yes it was a bit of a shoc to me as well We are not knowing that you and Miss Courtney were engaged You don't understand I mean to coin a phrase I've been given the boot Si señor, one right boot, one left boot No Juan, can't you understand! I've been fired - I've been given the bullet Santa Maria! She tried to shoot you? No, I've been dismissed - Dismissed? - Yes - You are reaving us? - I'm afraid so Mais c'est incroyable, c'est formidable enfin! - Why you leave? - Miss Courtney doesn't think I'm suitable We go speak to her I'm afraid that speaking to her won't do any good at all O.
K.
We twist her arms a little bit Yes, we tell here if she not let you stay, we work her over You'll do nothing of the sort! We don't have Mafia tactics in this country Vat is going to happen to us? Another teacher will be taking over the class! A Miss Hardacre - I'm already not liking her - It's not fair! On your birthday As they say in France, ''C'est la vie'' Well, I've enjoyed meeting you all I wish you all every success with your studies in the future - Good bye Su Lee - Velly solly to roose you - Jamila - Good efening Anna! - Max - Goodbye Mr.
Brown Taro! - Good lucko - Thano - Juan - Adiós amigo Ranjeet - I am wishing you, all you're wishing yourself - Thank you - Giovanni - It's very sad Please Giovanni you mustn't be upset I can't help it! I'm emotional Oh blimey, you are starting me off now you damn fool Come on Ali, it's not the end of the world - Goodbye - Goodbye Danielle! There will always be a place for you Right here That's very kind of you Well, goodbye everybody! Than you for your presents Good luck - I thought you'd gone - Just collecting my things - Goodbye - Goodbye Now, as you are no doubt aware Mr.
Brown is no longer with us It is making us very sad I've telephoned your new teacher, Miss Hardacre and she will be arriving shortly In the meantime, I shall take the class Now then, let's see how you're progressing You, with the turban - What is this? - Pencil - It's not a pencil - It is looking like a pencil to me Let's try again - What's this? - A finger - Did Mr.
Brown teach you anything? - Yes please He is making us work like the clippers - Clappers - Clippers or clappers We are working very hard We are all very sad he has gone Quiet now! Quiet! It's really no concern of yours I'm sure you'll find Miss Hardacre more than efficient After all, a woman can do everything a man can do - Not everything - I'm speaking academically Excuse me Miss Courtney! There's a person out here who wants to see you - What sort of person? - I'm not sure - Miss Courtney? - Yes Hardacre! Oh, I thought they were sending me a woman I am a woman I do beg your pardon! It must've been Perhaps you'd like to come to my office to have a cup of coffee No, no time for coffee! We must get started Crack the whip, show them who's boss! Keep them on their toes And by the look of them, they need it Beautifully put! - But I think we ought to have a little chat first - Very well In the meantime, you can go on studying your books Don't talk! Sit still, I'll be back immediately Oh blimey, what a funny woman we are having I don't think I am going to like this new teacher - I go home - I go home too What is the use of going home? You cannot learn the English at home - Maybe I find a way - There is no way I'm thinking if we make new teacher go, perhaps Mr.
Brown is coming back - How we make new teacher go? - Very easy That's not good! We get the blood all over the class Much better we push her out of the window It is looking like we are being stuck with her We must do something - It is duty to obey erected authorities - Not so - Raws are made to be obeyed - Not if laws is bad law - Principals action unjust - He's right But what do we do? There's nothing we can do - Hey, I got an idea - What idea? - We have a strike - Yeah, let's have the strike What is a strike? Does this mean we are going to be fighting? No, no, no! A strike! It's like a big onions - Vat onions? - The trade onions Excuse please! I am thinking your strike not going to be woring - What we are needing is to be revolting - And I'm thinking you are already revolting You are asking for kick up the Khyber! Hey, lets not quarrel among ourselves - I know, why don't we have a sit out? - You mean a sit in - Much better adopt poricy of non coopulation - Por favor? When new teacher alives in crassloom we no co-opulate! Known as passive lesistance For once, Japan and China in agreement! We no speako to new teacher I like it! We keep the traps shut Silenzio, understand? - Si, no speak - Not a word - That's right - Señora, she comes I'm your new teacher! My name is Miss Hardacre And I've come to drum English into your respective alien heads And you're here to learn, understand? Good I'd have to take your names You, what's your name? Are you deaf? You, your name? You, name? I see Well, I don't know how long you think you can keep this up But I assure you, you won't make any difference to me I'm just gonna sit here until somebody speaks You've squashed my apple strudel! I think I've got most of it off now - I'll be sending the bill of course - I thought you might If you don't mind, I'll have that cup of coffee now So sorry, I'm afraid I've drank it all! You'll find the tea room down the corridor Tea room! Tea room! You surely don't expect me to queue up with all the students! Oh no, no, no While I'm teaching here, I take my coffee in your office! Black, no sugar And while I'm here, I'll just look through your prospectus From the little I've seen, you could do a great deal of reorganisation - Who is it? - It's me Gladys with the coffee and biscuits Come in - You look a bit harrassed - I am harrassed - It's that new teacher, isn't it? - Yes The foreign students haven't spoken a word since Mr.
Brown left As a result, Miss Hardacre is spending her time reorganizing the entire school She's already reduced two other teachers to tears And caused the caretaker to hand in his notice It's only a matter of time before she takes over my job Why don't you get rid of her and as Mr.
Brown to come back? - I can't do that - Why not? Not after dismissing him! I have my pride Mind you if he asked to come back, I'd be only too happy to accept - As to come back? - We miss you Loo, when I got your message to call here - I thought it was something serious - But we are serious If you asked Miss Courtney she's gonna have you back No, I'm sorry! It's out of the question! If she wants me back, she'll have to ask me Now, if that's all, I'll say goodbye Mr.
Brown please - I was just seeing somebody - I was just going to look in on your old class - I was wondering - I was wondering - Sorry - After you No, no, no after you! Well I was just wondering whether you'd consider coming back I was just going to ask if there was any chance of me coming back - That's settled then - I thought you preferred women teachers I do, but Miss Hardacre was more masculine than most men I've met - Well, you want the job back or don't you? - Yes Good, you've got it We win, we win! Mr.
Brown is coming back If you'd all sit down! We've a lot of catching up to do I'm afraid Excuse please! Before we are doing that we are all changing your birthday pens And buying you other gift from Arrods - The Camden Arrods you mean? - Oh yes indeed - Here you are - Thank you! A wallet A wallet? I've got a wallet I've got a wallet too