Mixology (2013) s01e06 Episode Script

1 (Bruce) This is the story of 10 strangers, one night, and all the stupid, embarrassing, ridiculous things we do to find love.
I can't believe those male models just gave us their booth.
- Male models are so nice.
- I know.
And it's all calm and peaceful.
- Yeah.
It's like a spa.
- Mm-hmm.
[Both sigh.]
Hey! - Aah! - What's up, ladies? - Nice booth! - Whoo! Hi.
Tom from like nine seconds ago.
- Who? - Oh, no.
I'm just kidding.
- [Sighs.]
- I was just kidding.
Oh, my God, you scared me so much.
Please don't ever do that again.
Oh, my God.
No, they don't! Dogs in England do not say "pip pip" when they bark.
Yes, they do.
And our roosters don't say "cock-a-doodle-doo.
" They simply say "good morning.
" [Laughs.]
I love that.
I'm so glad I bumped into you tonight because I've been having a very strange night.
Oh, me too.
I got stood up earlier.
- What? - Yeah.
You're adorable.
That'd be like standing up a baby.
[Laughs.]
Listen, I heard the roof of this place has an amazing view.
I heard that, too.
But sadly, I've never been up there.
Would you care to join me? Uh, I'd go on my own, but that would feel a little suicidey.
Oh, my God, they're here early tonight! Hey, Kace Kacey, where are you going? What was all that about? Oh, it's the firemen.
Firehouse is just across the street.
You know, they come in every night.
Girls love 'em.
Hey, they'll let you climb in the fire trucks sometimes.
It's fun.
How bizarre.
In England, right, a fireman isn't that special.
Firemen are huge here in New York.
No, I understand they're heroes 9/11, Hurricane Sandy, et cetera, et cetera.
But does that mean we're just supposed to roll over and surrender our women to them? Yeah.
Well, that is unacceptable.
So, what does a blue hawaiian even taste like? Uh, it's gross.
Yeah.
It tastes like like if you could drink an airport bathroom, that's what it would taste like.
[Both laugh.]
Um, is it is it weird that my friends are just staring at us? - Uh, yes.
- Yeah.
Look at Tommy running game on this chick, huh? - I'm so proud of our boy.
- Yeah.
Look.
He's got your smile.
[Scoffs.]
Don't be ridiculous.
He's not really my boy.
Oh, my God, he does have my smile.
Oh! You know, call me crazy, but Tommy might actually pull this off tonight maybe.
I know.
I know.
He's doing so well.
He finally got rid of his nervous eye twitch.
God, we did such Cal.
It's the bitch that broke Tom's heart.
It's Laura! Shh.
- This is a disaster.
- Mm-hmm.
He hasn't seen her since she called off the engagement.
Tom is not ready to see her.
He is gonna ruin everything he's built here tonight.
Okay, we either got to smuggle Laura out in a big giant bag or get Tommy out of here, stat.
"B.
" Let's go plan "B.
" Yeah, good call.
I don't even have a bag.
I don't know where I'd get a bag.
All right, thanks for your numbers, boys.
Maybe we'll call, and maybe we won't.
[Laughs.]
Bye-bye.
That was amazing.
You two are so good with guys.
- Thanks.
- Yeah, we really are.
We've been perfecting our game since high school, so - Mm-hmm.
- I'm thinking about making some big life changes tonight, ladies.
But [Sighs.]
I have no game.
It's like a medical condition.
I-I put myself out there with this guy, and then he turned out to be super-sketchy.
Do we know her? No, I just I don't know.
I just feel like I don't have the 411 on what gets you down in the groove.
And I-I feel like maybe my milkshake never will bring a boy to the yard, and may and I'll never be able to drop it like it's hot.
Maybe you could just come join us, and we could give you a few pointers.
- Really? - Yeah.
Really? And I don't know why, but every time I go through airport security, I can't help but take my belt off, like, really sexy, like - [Hums.]
- [Laughs.]
What? - I know.
It's weird.
- And you're - Hey, man.
- Hey, bud.
Hey, how's it going? - Good.
Uh, we're really connecting.
- Good, good.
Awesome.
Good.
We're leaving.
- What? - Let's go.
Get up.
- No.
What are you doing? - [Grunts.]
Sorry.
Hey, what yeah, what's going on? Um, none of your business, okay? Why are you guys standing like that? Me and Cal were standing like that because we really didn't want him to see his ex.
Why? Because Tom never gives up on relationships.
It all started when Tom's dad left him when he was 9.
- [Tires squeal.]
- (Young Tom) Bye, dad! Since then, he has fought for every relationship he's ever had.
He never gave up on his father, even when he should have.
He never gave up on his barber, even when he clearly should have.
And he never gave up on Laura.
Laura? Oh, hey.
Did you pick up my dry-cleaning? Uh, what's going on here? And, yes, I put it in the hall closet.
This is Kellan, from work.
- Hey, man.
- Hey.
Uh, so, what are you guys watching? "Tron Legacy.
" It's our favorite movie.
Oh, check out those light cycles.
I know.
I love the light cycles.
[Both laugh.]
I'm I'm sorry, Laura, but why are you spooning with another man? We're just friends from work, dude.
Don't get weird.
Tom always gets super-jealous.
[Both laugh.]
No, no.
Something's wrong with our relationship.
H-how can I fix it? Like I said, Tom never gave up on relationships even when he clearly, clearly, very clearly should have.
How are we standing? What do you mean? Are you trying to hide something from me, or Oh, my God, it's Laura! Great, Cal.
I ask for one human wall, and that's the effort I get? - Awesome.
- Don't do that.
- I'm gonna go talk to her.
- No! Please don't.
- Please don't do that.
- No, Tom, don't do that.
That's the girl who dumped you? She's beautiful.
You should see her on the inside.
Hey, Tommy, we found a way out the back, through the kitchen, okay? - She'll never see us, so let's roll.
Come on.
- Come on.
Let's go.
Guys, guys, relax.
I'm just gonna I'm just gonna go over there and say what's in my heart, and then we can all get on with our night.
- What are you talking about? - Oh, come on! Dude, Tommy, the first time you run into your ex after a breakup is an incredibly traumatic event, okay? You got to rehearse and practice for months.
You can't just go out there and wing it.
We got to go.
She's gonna see us.
Shut up! What kind of guy runs away from his ex-girlfriend? - Oh, I do it all the time.
- Me.
Plus, look at her.
- She's got a cool new hairdo.
Her skin looks amazing.
- Mm-hmm.
- This is a battle that Tommy cannot win right now.
- Mnh-mnh.
Please, chicks are all smoke and mirrors.
That's probably not even her real boyfriend.
Look, that's definitely not her real hair.
Trust me, Tom, with a little bit of work, we can ruin this chick, and it'll be great.
Okay, listen, her hair is a weave.
You're right.
But before the three of us decide what Tommy's gonna do, me and this cat got to do some recon.
Let's go.
Why can't I just do it my way? Tom, you have no say in this whatsoever! - Because your way is the way a prissy little panda! - Idiot! Sit down.
I'm gonna teach you how to destroy a woman.
Yep.
Okay, so, bars are filled with two types of men.
We have creeps and nice guys.
Your job is to repel the creeps - while drawing in the nice guys.
- Mm-hmm.
(Jessica) Creeps come in several types.
We have hair gel, scary beard, the watcher, lacrosse, and thick-framed glasses.
And nice guys also come in different flavors.
You have adorably bad shoes, genuine smile, the listener, cool job, Jimmy Fallon, and thick-framed glasses.
- But - It's not an exact science.
I kind of like the Jimmy Fallons.
- Yeah, you would.
- [Laughter.]
Let's go talk to them.
- Whoa, whoa! - Whoa, whoa.
Absolutely not.
A girl can never approach a guy.
Yeah, no, see, guys still think that girls who approach them are crazy.
Yeah.
And there's nothing worse for a girl than being labeled crazy.
Like her.
Okay, so, if I can't approach guys, then how do I talk to them? [Laughs.]
Seriously now? She's so cute.
Okay, so, you just - you give them the four-second look.
- Mm-hmm.
You hold eye contact with any guy for four straight seconds, and even the dumbest ones will come over.
- Yeah.
It's awesome.
Go ahead.
- Try it.
One, two, three You don't have to count.
Just just easy breaths.
[Sighs.]
Okay, you're gonna get us kicked out.
So, there we were, racing ladder 12 down Broadway.
Shut up.
And I look over to Brock, and I just knew this would be a birthday he'd never forget.
- Oh! - Oh! How does that story end? Did you get the cat out of the tree? You got a problem, bro? No, no, um, but neither do you, because according to my friends at Google, the number of fires has decreased 80% over the past 40 years.
So humor me.
When was the last time you guys actually saw a fire? Don't answer that, Chet.
So you think you could do our job, bro? Well, I'm not putting out a fire right now, so, yeah, I'm doing your job as we speak.
(Woman) Wow.
He's right.
Firefighters don't do anything.
Hey, I-it's not our fault - that every building has a sprinkler sys - Not now, Chet! Okay, yeah, I'm gonna just go back to work.
Way to just take down those firemen.
Thank you.
I've got a vicious rant against the red cross, too, - if you'd like to hear it.
- [Laughs.]
Perhaps on the roof? Are you Bradley? - Hey, I-I recognize - Bruce? - Oh! - Cal.
- Oh, my God! Laura! - Oh, my God! Laura! - What a surprise! - Huh? Wow! - Cal.
- Hey.
Hey.
Is Tom here? No.
Tom is on a date with a black girl.
Okay.
Okay, I am going to teach you how to completely destroy your ex.
Okay, first, you need to start with a backhanded compliment like, "oh, I'm so glad you're eating again.
" - Then, when she finally feels super - Wait, wait, wait.
What what if I don't want to hurt Laura? I don't understand.
Well, we just ended so suddenly, we never got to work on us, and I feel like if you work hard enough at any relationship, you can make it work.
No.
That's totally wrong.
If something is broken, you throw it away.
Like, what do you do if you have a pair of shoes with a hole in it? Uh, I take them to my cobbler over and over again until they're properly mended.
When it comes to relationships, Maya is the opposite of Tom.
She's ended every relationship she's ever been in.
Her first boyfriend, Timmy Verdugo, dumped her in fifth grade.
It was the worst feeling she'd ever felt.
For Timmy Verdugo, the worst feeling he'd ever felt came nine seconds later, when Maya kicked his ass in front of all of his friends.
To protect herself, Maya always got out of relationships at the first sign of trouble.
Sometimes she even enjoyed it.
She even dumped her parents, legally emancipating herself when she turned 16.
The older she got, the pickier she became.
She could always find a reason to break up with someone bad poetry, crooked teeth, annoying coffee mugs.
And while she never got hurt again, she also found she had no meaningful relationships left.
When she met Tom earlier in the night, you'd think he wouldn't stand a chance.
However Okay, so tell me about this guy you just met.
Oh, my gosh.
His name was Tom, and he was a complete train wreck.
- Oh - Yeah.
But he was the complete opposite of the guys I normally meet.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
He was like a little kitten.
- Aww! I love kittens! - Mm.
Yeah.
But not like a rough-and-tumble boy kitten like a sad, effeminate little-girl kitten where even the other kittens are like, "let's hurt that kitten.
" - Aww! - Yeah.
But he was really weird, and he was funny.
He was sweet.
He was sweet.
- Whoa! Whoa.
- [Laughs.]
Mm.
It seems like you really like this guy.
No, Liv.
He was way too emotional.
No.
No.
Don't do that.
You always look for a reason to get out.
Why not just look for a reason to get in? Oh, my gosh, Liv, he cried in a bar.
I cry in bars all the time.
And I'm amazed we're still friends.
Okay, but the point is, just give this guy another chance, you know? It's like, I've never seen you not hate somebody so much before.
- Fine.
- Yes.
- But if he cries again, I'm walking away.
- Okay.
And then I'm walking back, punching him in the empty space where his balls are supposed to be, and walking away again.
That's fair enough.
Okay, sorry.
So how do I know if a relationship is dead or if it just needs more work? I don't know.
You just you just you just feel it, like if if you're talking with someone and you like talking with them like this, then that relationship is good.
It's still alive.
But if you're talking with someone and all you can think is, "oh, my gosh, how can I fake a seizure to get out of this situation right now?" Then that relationship is dead and you have to walk away.
I've just, like I've never ended anything before.
I-I'm not an ender.
Oh, well, I am.
Yeah.
And it's really fun.
(Jessica) Wow, the Jimmy Fallons still haven't responded to your four-second look? Nope.
And I'm not even doing it weird anymore.
Okay, you could also try the look, look away, look back, also known as the shampoo commercial.
Mm.
Or you could give a suggestive mouth movement, like Yeah, yeah, yeah, and use props a lipstick, a straw, a giant sausage, cucumber, candlestick, curling iron, rolling pin, carrot, parsnip, eggplant, um I think we get it like objects that look like a penis.
Yeah, exactly.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Okay, I'm gonna do the other one first.
- Shampoo commercial.
Go.
- Okay.
Look, look away, look back.
[All gasp.]
Ooh! It's perfect.
- Okay, they are definitely coming over.
- Okay.
[Clears throat.]
[Gasps.]
Oh, my gosh! This is amazing! It's like I'm in a movie about roofs! Indeed.
It almost makes you forget your problems.
[Door closes.]
Almost.
[Door handle rattles.]
Okay.
And we're leaving now.
Yeah, Laura's doing amazing.
That guy is totally her boyfriend, he's a surgeon, and he's really nice.
Really nice.
Like, nicer than you, dude.
Wow.
I'd love to meet him.
Plus, she's lost nine pounds, got a flirty new lipstick color that really complements her eyes, - and just got promoted to vice president at work.
- Vice president.
Yeah.
Oh, God, she so deserved that.
Okay.
Yeah, you should probably go.
- Really? - Yeah.
You can't win this.
All right, well, it was really nice meeting you.
And thank you so much for talking to me for so long.
I'm gonna call you as soon as I get home just so you know that I got in.
- All right, that's enough.
- Let's go.
Come on.
Let's go.
Okay.
[Sighs.]
Okay, Cal, human wall.
Show me what you got this time.
- Man, he's like a foot taller than I am.
- Make no excuses, my friend.
I'm not making excuses.
I'm giving you 110%.
[All gasp.]
Are you okay? Laura saw me.
I'm down.
T-Tom is down.
(Bruce) Help her up.
Laura saw me.
What do I do? - Okay, okay.
- Be cool.
Be cool.
I got this.
We're gonna pull the fire alarm, and then we're gonna blend in with the crowd as they escape here, okay? All right, stop it.
Whatever these clowns are saying, you're not doing.
Now that you've seen her, you have to talk to her.
- Is that true? - (Bruce & Cal) Yes.
- Industry standard.
- Thanks.
Okay.
All right, it's not gonna be that bad, right? Ooh, Tommy, I hate to be crude because there's a lady present, but Laura's gonna rip your heart clean out of your chest - and eat it right in front of your face.
- Probably.
W-why would she do that? Oh, no one's answering.
Why are bars so loud? Let us in, you drunken savages! Okay, what is up with these nice guys? I don't know.
I don't know, but I am done.
(Liv) Wait, Jessica.
Wait.
I thought you said never approach guys.
Sometimes you have to break the rules - because men are dumb.
- Yeah.
Hey, nice guys.
What's the deal? Yeah, our friend Liv here has been sending you signals for like half an hour.
Why haven't any of you dorks come over? I don't get it.
You nice guys are always complaining "why do girls go for the jerks and the creeps?" Do you want to know why? Yeah? Because they're the only ones who have the balls to come over and talk to us.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
We're not crazy.
- You make us crazy.
- Mm.
Yeah, with your messenger bags and your matching brown hair and your amazing relationships with your parents.
Yeah, I am over it.
Do you boys have anything to say for yourselves? I'm sorry we didn't respond to you.
We're just here celebrating my friend's first night out.
His first night out since what? Since the accident.
Oh, my God.
I am so sorry.
We didn't want to chase girls tonight.
We just wanted to be there for Clark.
Yes.
You're nice guys.
We're gonna go.
Feel better, Clark.
I'm paralyzed.
[Groans.]
Really? This was the best way to get us off the roof? - Well - [Cheers and applause.]
You can never be too careful, pal.
There was a door.
Yeah, I know.
[Indistinct conversations.]
Do I have to let go? Take all the time you need.
Okay.
Can I have your number? Yeah.
It's 911.
[Squeals.]
Very well, firemen, you win this round.
But remember, your job could be done by rain.
Take care, now.
Okay, remember keep it brief.
No emotion.
No crying.
Just crush her self-esteem and get out.
Go.
I'm a man Spelled "M" "M" "A" "N" Whoa I miss you so much, Laura.
You're so pretty.
- [All groan.]
- There it is.
Tom, oh, honey.
I think about you every single day.
Do you still think about me? No, I don't.
I'm so sorry.
It's okay.
I just have a really hard time ending relationships.
Seriously, how many times is this kid gonna cry tonight, huh? I just always believe that things can get better because sometimes people change in awesome ways, and what if you gave up on someone and you missed out on the best version of them? That would suck so hard.
Typical Tom, making a scene.
[Voice breaking.]
Thanks, Laura.
You're so nice.
[Sniffles.]
And smart and beautiful.
No.
And she's great at organizing trips.
You're gonna love that.
That is actually very true.
She is really good at planning trips.
- Okay.
All right.
- She is super.
- That's true.
- Super-good, actually.
Tom, don't cry for me.
It's embarrassing.
Oh, I'm not crying for you.
I'm crying 'cause our relationship is dead, and that's really sad to me.
What'd he say? What's that, now? Thanks for being my girlfriend for eight years.
It was really cool.
But I thought we were still gonna be friends.
Say no.
- Say no.
Say no.
- Say no.
No, we're not.
We're not.
[Laughs.]
Goodbye, Laura.
[Smooches.]
I'm so glad you're eating again.
Man, we keep saying how bad Tommy is at this, but maybe he's better than all of us.
I know.
I know.
I did it all wrong.
- I got emotional.
- No, no.
You did it you did everything just right.
And I really liked everything that you said.
You used my backhanded compliment.
Do you want to get a drink with me, without my friends watching? [Chuckles.]
Um Uh, yeah.
Okay.
[Chuckles.]
Maya swore she'd walk away if Tom cried again.
And she did only she did it with Tom.
- He's got your walk.
- Don't be ridiculous.
Oh, my God, he does have my walk.
That's that's kind of disturbing.
- [Gasps.]
- Ooh! - My God.
- You are such an idiot.
Ugh! Hold up.
Hold up.
Is this destiny? Nope.
No? It seems that way.
This cute little fall, this clear sexual chemistry we're having.
Can I have my birth control? - I hope you're using this.
- Mm.
We met at the bar before, remember? Yeah, you hit on my friend Jessica.
You said I had ratty hair.
What? That must've been someone that looks just like me.
I would never I'm Bruce, and I'm sure Jessica has talked all No, it's never gonna happen.
- Whoa! - Adios.
Brucie like.
Man, I'm sorry we didn't find you a nice guy.
Oh, please.
It's not your fault.
I suck at this stuff.
Hey.
I saw your suggestive mouth movements earlier.
Give me a call sometime.
Boom!