Moone Boy (2012) s01e06 Episode Script

1 SEAN: The end of the school year means different things to different folks.
DEBRA: Martin, are you still in bed? SEAN: For those with exams, it's a time of tension, hard work and revision.
(CONJUGATING IN GAELIC) Oh, feck it! SEAN: A time for nerves and dodgy stomachs.
-(RETCHING) -Fidelma? I'm shitting! (TOILET FLUSHING) -SEAN: Or indeed, nonchalant failure.
-(HUMMING CASUALLY) You all set for Geography? SEAN: And for parents, it's the start of the long stretch.
The Green Mile.
Here's another one.
We send the young two strawberry picking in Wexford.
That way we get rid of them but they pay for themselves.
You do know I'm allergic to strawberries? (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) -Oh! -Oh, yeah! -(WHISPERING) Did you know that? -No.
Couple of weeks here, he'd build up a tolerance pretty sharpish.
SEAN: But for Martin Moone, this morning spelled the beginning of his last ever week of primary school.
The end of an era, a hugely mediocre era.
This is it, Sean Murphy.
Last ever Monday morning.
A new dawn is rising, when boy becomes man.
Hey, aren't you allergic to strawberries? -Oh, balls.
-Oh, come on.
Here come the shits.
Dancing at the disco, bumper to bumper Wait a minute, where's me jumper? Where's me jumper, where's me jumper? Where's me jumper, where's me jumper? Oh, no What was I saying before all the puking? Uh, last week of school stuff.
Right! No more bloody blackboards.
No more boring Mr Jackson.
No more stupid maroon jumpers.
You're out on your own.
Like a jackal.
Or a lost sock.
Let's stick with jackal.
But first, you've got to leave your mark on this place.
You've got to let future generations know that Marty Moone walked these halls.
Oh, I'm going to blow this place wide open.
This week, I'm Martin Mayhem.
What? I thought you were Martin Martin.
Last week, Horse.
What's the plan? I wrote Mr Jackson a card and I'd like everyone to sign it.
No, Padraic.
I'm talking about doing mad stuff.
We've got to leave our mark.
I know what'll make them remember me.
I'll knit them all lovely scarves.
Look it, we've three months.
I say we just ditch the kids and spend the summer making out under the bridge.
No, I know your type.
You'll only drop the hand.
Just not sure I'm ready for that.
I'll stay north of the equator.
Do either of you know how to make a fertiliser bomb? Not well.
I'd ask Sinead if I were you.
Oh, yeah! Do you know what I'd love to do? I'd love to go back to that beach hut in Strandhill.
-Do you remember? -Yeah.
Come on, you drove us down there in that old Triumph you had, the one with the fold-away seats.
We snuck in there with a bottle of brandy.
I'm sorry, I just remembered that wasn't you.
-Unbelievable.
-Shh! Just leave me in it now, for a minute.
(SIGHING) -(THUDDING) -MARTIN: Ow! -She didn't know? -Of course she knows.
But said she was studying.
Threw a shoe at me.
-Studying? -Johnny McGoldrich.
(KNOCKING ON DOOR) Hey, love.
Is everything okay? Yeah.
Why? Well, it's not that I'm not pleased, but there's a rumour you're studying.
Yeah, well, I'll never get to Mosney if I don't come first in my class.
What? The summer camp.
Where I'm going.
If I come first in my class.
Remember? The Girl Guide Jamboree? Wow.
This is really expensive for somewhere that doesn't have toilets.
Oh, but you poo in the wild, like the original Girl Guides.
And slaughter your own lunch.
And learn to make quilts.
It's going to be amazing! And if we book soon, there's a two-for-one deal so Trisha can come too.
I'd literally rather be dead.
Right.
And we said you could go? Yeah, Dad promised.
When was this? About a year ago.
We just can't afford it, love.
But everyone's going! I'll tell you what, Sinead.
If you work hard next year and come first in your class, then you can go.
Okay? That's a safe one, right? They failed her last year for spelling her own name wrong.
Good.
And still is ours today Thou thank we all our dog It's God, not dog.
Your rhythm was off.
It's a drum machine, I'm not sure it can be off.
It sounded off.
You all right, Delma? Yeah, just stressed about exams, I suppose.
Listen, would it help if we just stopped for a while -Yeah, that's probably -and had a quick shag in my car? (PEOPLE SCREAMING) (LAUGHING) Do you think it's possible to swallow dynamite without exploding? I don't see why not.
Hey, you know what this week is really good for? Finding out about the dynamite thingy? Well, yes, but also, it's a great week to right any wrongs that have been done unto you.
Oh, I have been wronged.
All too often for my liking.
What you need is a revenge list.
Revenge list.
Yes! I'll put it on my list list.
Good lad.
Revenge list.
Yikes.
Hope I'm not on it.
Padraic.
Hi, Alan, just wanted to say bye, and good luck with future endeavours.
Aw.
Thanks, Martin.
(LAUGHS LOUDLY) Oh, balls.
Is that a hand buzzer? -Why would you do that to me? -Oh, come on! 1 986? Ring any bells? You rang my bicycle bell until it was broken.
I don't think that was me, Martin.
Are you sure it wasn't Alan Roche? Alan Roche.
It was Alan Roche! Yeah, that makes more sense.
He's quite a cruel person.
-Yeah.
I think you fixed the bell.
-That sounds more likely.
God.
Sorry about the whole hand buzzer thing.
-That's okay.
You didn't actually do it.
-That's true.
-Well, bye, other Alan from my class.
-Bye.
I've made a hug list, and everyone's on it.
Are we really going to follow through with this? I mean, I make a lot of empty promises.
Me, too.
I mean, if I were to think about it, I'd say I lie to them more than I tell them the truth.
Way more.
Dad, if I win a gold medal at the Olympics, can I get Michael Jackson to come for a sleepover? Yep, that's grand.
Mam, if I become the new drummer of the Happy Mondays, will you buy me a drum kit? No problem, pet.
Dad, if I finish all my vegetables, can I be the new Karate Kid? Sure thing.
I just can't do it! Well, what are we going to do? Can we afford to send Sinead to this Girl Guide Jamboree thing? I'm surprised we can afford this brochure.
You really think she could come first in her class? Not if I can help it.
(KNOCKING) Hey, Sinead.
Hey, Mam.
I'm just studying.
You're studying.
You're studying.
Good girl.
I was just looking for my, umbrush.
-Have you seen my brush? -Is it in your room? Yeah.
It's probably in my room.
-Oh, I haven't read this one.
-It's Martin's.
Martin's so annoying, isn't he? Uh-huh.
-What do you think of everyone else? -Mam, I'm trying to study.
Sorry.
Sorry.
It's all about the studying.
Not a peep.
Not a peep.
Trisha smells weird, though, doesn't she? (GROANING) MAN ON RADIO: Take hold of the tipper loosely, like a pencil, and begin to strike the drumstick.
Gently but firmly, like a lady.
(GROANING) (BANGING) -Mam! -Right, that's outside.
Hi, love! Do you want to join us for a game? I'm studying! Do you think Martina Naptravilova would be the woman she is today if she concerned herself with biology? (GRUNTING) (ARGUING) -What's going on there? -There's trouble in paradise.
First time a Toyota Carina has been referred to as paradise.
Shh! -Some shit is going down.
-How can you tell from here? I'm a woman, Liam, I can decipher snippets.
So we're trying to make one child fail her exams and we're spying on another.
I feel like a pretty bad parent right now.
Would you feel like a bad parent quietly, please? (CAR DOOR OPENING) Stop asking me what's wrong, Dessie! For the last time, everything's feckin' fine! Oh! Some shit is going down.
SEAN: And as the senior Moones went about prying and lying to their offspring, Martin and Padraic made plans for their last ever day of primary school, each more daring and caring than the last.
Let's strangle the school nurse.
Let's turn all the globes into snow globes.
Let's use the toilet all day and not flush it.
And then blow it up! Let's steal all the chalk and hide it.
But then, in a twist, tell them where it is.
(SPEAKING GAELIC) Let's drown Mr Jackson in a bath of sour milk from the canteen.
Let's turn all the chairs back-to-front, but sit back-to-front on them, so we're facing the right way.
Let's put the chairs on the tables and then the tables on the chairs, and then blow them up.
Let's cover the halls in daisy chains.
Let's burn all the Capricorns.
Let's release gremlins everywhere.
Let's shave naughty words into our beards.
We don't have beards.
Let's grow beards! Yeah! Actually, we might not have time for that.
Seeing as it's now our last day of school.
They put up a sign! Idiots! This is it! I got to get in there.
This is it, buddy.
Time for some mayhem! I don't want to leave.
Oh, balls.
Mam, I thought you were giving me a lift! I'll be late for my exam! Just a minute love, I've nearly found my hairbrush.
Oh.
The War of the Roses, huh? Funny how that all started.
All because of a wrong delivery on Valentine's Day.
-What? That's -That's fact.
Bit like the Cold War, which was basically just a dispute over frozen peas.
Be gone, begrudging gansey! Go on, Moone.
Turf it in.
MR JACKSON: Get down off my car.
You've three years left at this school.
Eat fire, you itchy bastard! Actually, no.
It just doesn't seem right.
I feel a bit silly.
Yeah, I feel a bit silly, too.
Did you just burn all of your clothes? Yeah.
What are you going to do now? I should probably go home.
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING) Why are we going this way? This is the wrong way.
Is it? Oh, sorry, love.
I thought we were going to Martin's school.
Stupid me.
Mam, this is still the wrong way! Right, sorry.
Sinead's school.
Sinead's school.
Sure you're only 1 0 minutes late.
Best of luck, love! Sinead? Sinead! Sinead! (HONKING) Sinead! Sinead! What? Is this your brush? -No! It's yours! -(GROANS) That's where it was! Bye, love! Jesus Christ! That's very frustrating.
I can't believe I'm leaving this old place.
Feels like losing a limb.
-A limb? Which limb? -The one in my heart.
Yeah, I don't think there are limbs in your heart.
There is today, old pal.
There is today.
You stupid fools.
That isn't how you spell ''graffiti!'' Oh.
-Jesus, Trish, are you smoking? -Dessie's parked out there.
Oh, really? I didn't see him.
Just like you didn't see me smoking.
I thought I saw your class in the exam hall, don't you have your Geography exam this morning? Seriously, Del, you need to do something about your eyesight.
DESSIE: Delma.
Hi.
Hey, Dessie.
What are you doing here? What are you doing here? It's my school.
I thought you were going to come over last night? Sorry, I forgot.
I played The Flower Duet alone.
Just me and my Casio.
-At least you weren't totally alone.
-A keyboard's not a lover, Delma.
It's just a good friend.
What's happened to us, Del? A few weeks ago we were like a pair of wild animals.
Like stallions.
Now, we're like a pair of sad animals.
Like sad stallions.
Who don't talk to each other or rub each other or nuzzle or anything.
Look, let's go for a drive, Dessie.
No, I'm not going anywhere till you tell me what's going on in this situ.
Dessie Don't make me break up with you, Del, 'cause I will.
(VOICE WAVERING) I'm strong like that.
Oh, come on.
Bye-bye, blackboard.
Bye-bye, chairs.
-Bye-bye, broken projector.
-Moone! Give me a hand.
I'm trying to turn over Mr Jackson's car.
Hi, Declan, would you be the first to sign my yearbook? Your what? I made a yearbook.
''Nice queerbook, Moone!'' Well, it is nice.
-How are you, sister? -How are you? I have a packed lunch here for Sinead Moone.
Oh, okay.
I'll give it to her.
Actually, I'd prefer to give it to her in person, if that's okay.
Well, Sinead is in the middle of an exam right now.
That would be very disruptive.
Sinead is a very quiet eater.
She's like a mouse.
I'll give it to her when she's finished.
Wait.
Is this This feels empty.
-Trisha? -Dad! Why aren't you in your Geography exam? -Just doing the field assignment bit.
-Yeah, me, too.
Hey, look, something's going on with Delma.
I think Dessie's breaking up with her.
(SOBBING) That does look serious.
Yeah.
Very sad.
Sweet mercy.
This is huge! What should we do? I gotta tell Debra.
Bloody animals.
Ah.
There he is.
''Mr Jackson, we've had good times and bad times.
-''Messy mornings and giddy afternoons.
'' -(GLASS SHATTERING) ''And here we are, at the glorious midnight of our relationship.
'' Jonner and Conner Bonner, put back that drainpipe! -''As I move on'' -Put it back! That guttering is not a toy! ''As I move on to educational pastures new'' What? ''And you'll move on, too.
Don't think you won't.
''But soon you'll have another generation of loving students, ''who will, in time, become your family.
'' Oh, thank you, Marcus.
We'll miss you too.
-Martin.
-Sorry? Martin is my name.
Has it always been Martin? It's just that, I really feel that Marcus Shh.
Worry not, you silly old fool.
(CHUCKLING) ''School.
We've had good times and bad times.
''Messy mornings and giddy afternoons.
''And here we are'' We've done it, Martin! We've taken over the asylum! (SCREAMING) Come on, Mayhem.
Let's get you home.
Bye-bye, school.
So, we just support, support, support, yeah? Debra.
I told you gossip.
That happened.
Poor Delma.
I remember the first time I got my heart broken.
Colin Gormley.
Gammy Gormley? (EXHALES) That guy dodged a bullet.
-Hey! -Wait, didn't he Yeah, he got shot.
IRA.
Ah, right, well, bad turn of phrase, I suppose.
Shh! Here she comes.
-There's my favourite girl.
-Are you all right, sweetheart? Yeah, I'm okay.
Listen, love, we know about Dessie.
DEBRA: And honestly, we think it's good.
-Really? -Hell, yeah.
I mean, we'd never have said this to you before but Dessie -is a dick.
-Dad! -He's a complete flute.
-Mam! He sings in the bloody choir, for God's sake! And what's with his dress sense? I get that he's a Holy Joe, but does he have to buy all of his clothes from the St Vincent de Paul? Which is probably why he smells of mothballs and death.
Wait Seriously, love, you're better off without him.
Look at him, with his big Daniel O'Donnell head and his creepy little eyes.
Dad! We're not breaking up.
We're pregnant.
You're what? We're going to have a little baby.
And I think I failed my exams.
(EASTENDERS FINALE PLAYING) Aw! It just hit me when I saw the sign, you know? Yeah.
Yeah.
The end of an era.
That's right.
No more lovely blackboards and no more sweet Mr Jackson.
-Oh! -And you know how I feel about maroon.
Oh, you think it brings out your lips.
It does, though.
No doubt.
It's going to be weird, never again seeing that silly little school.
You mean that school? My God, I'd already forgotten it was there.
Looks so small, doesn't it? Yep.
You're a big boy now, Marcus.
LIAM: Where do you think you're going? Get back here! I'll fecking cut your balls off, you fake Holy Joe! Oh, Fidelma must have told them about the baby.
Of course we have toilets! Why wouldn't we have toilets? That is not what the quilt was for, Sinead.
-It wasn't me.
-Really? Who was it, then? -It was Martina.
-# Kumbaya Kumbaya, my Lord, Kumbaya Oh, Lord, Kumbaya Banjo solo! I love Girl Guides!