Mount Pleasant (2011) s01e06 Episode Script

I'm pregnant.
Watch it, pal.
Hey! He's got my phone.
And you can stuff your job up your arse, Fergus.
I'm done.
You were jealous, weren't you? When you saw her with me.
Cos I am, when I see you with Dan.
I'm really glad that you sorted the bank out cos we need our savings more than ever.
What? Get rid of it, sugar tits.
Or I'll be getting rid of you.
Once upon a time.
I'd wear those.
Hello.
He-he-he-hey.
How are you? I'm alright, mate.
How are you? I'm alright, thank you.
Good to see you.
Dan? Lisa.
Hello, chicken.
What? When? What's up? Have you called the police? What's the matter? I'm coming straight home now, sweet pea.
What? They've been burgled! Turn that rubbish off, Claude Hopper, we're going straight home now.
Er, great then, thank you very much, Mark.
See you then.
Get in.
Ha-ha! Who was that? Mark Edwards from Harry Rowland's.
In English.
He's like a big recruitment cheese from town.
He has heard about my resignation and he wants to talk more today.
Really? Mm.
I'm basically being headhunted.
Amazing package, he said too.
He'd better not have.
Very funny.
No, seriously, it's city centre too.
And I'd have put 14 people underneath me.
14.
Lucky bastards.
Can I be underneath you, gorgeous? Can you not just be serious for once? Believe me, I am being deadly serious.
Get on, Guinevere, Lancelot's gagging.
Love.
It's alright.
Come on.
Come on.
It's OK, it's OK.
They're just things.
They've taken your watch, Dan.
I'll get another.
And they've taken my earrings, the ones I chose in Rome.
Aw, I'll take you back, babes, get you some more.
They've been through my knicker drawer, Dan.
What? They've been through my knicker drawer.
Dirty fucking perverts! What about your holiday? It was hardly a holiday.
Just a long weekend with your dad in the chuck wagon.
They've taken our wedding photo.
The big silver one.
Just a minute, please.
Bastards! This is where he must have made his escape.
Probably only a teenager.
Shaved head, I'll bet.
And a tattoo.
Have you checked the downstairs bog? He might've been in there.
There's nowt in the bog worth nicking.
I mean he might've done a number two and not flushed.
My God.
Barry! Well, that's what they do, burglars.
They leave a present.
I've seen it on Crime And Forensics.
A shit?! For a present? Wind your neck in, Barry, Lisa's upset enough here.
I'm serious! It's like them serial killers.
They take a souvenir each time they kill, you know.
Underwear, mainly.
Believe it or not.
My God, Dan, my knickers! It's alright, babe.
It's like a trophy.
You see, what they do Your neck, in, now.
Dan, hot bath for Lisa, please.
Can you bleach it first.
Course I can.
And can I have bubbles? You can have whatever you want, my princess.
Barry, stay calm, phone the police, touch nothing, put the kettle on.
Hiya.
Why do you keep following me? Why do you keep calling me? Can't you take a hint? I told you, when we're not in work, I don't want to talk to you.
We're finished.
I need to talk to you.
No you don't, you need to bullshit me.
You need to humiliate me.
You probably need to shag me if we're being really honest.
Because that's all it ever was, wasn't it? A shag.
You don't need to talk to me.
That's the last thing you need.
Just give me a chance to explain stuff.
No! I can't do this anymore, I just can't be arsed.
Please.
An hour.
Just give me an hour.
No sex, I promise, not even a blow-job.
Denise, please? I'll explain it all, everything.
Mark.
Shelley.
Hi.
Wow, nice eyes.
Thank you.
Sorry.
Listen, thanks for coming.
Got to say, I was really pleased when I heard you'd parted company with Reconnect.
Well, I've brought a resume and a couple of presentations.
Sod the formal stuff for now, I'd like to just chit-chat some more, that's how I like to get to know my new staff.
But I'm not actually new staff yet, am I? You will be.
Get you a coffee? This is really hard for me, Denise.
Just tell me.
It's Jane.
She can't have children.
That's why I reacted so badly when you said you were pregnant.
I know you think I'm a bastard, Denise.
But it would kill her if she found out.
You know I don't love her but I'm not that vicious.
I know you're not.
If you just have a termination.
Denise, I'll leave Jane.
We can get married.
Then have lots of babies, properly, the right way round.
And no-one will get hurt or lied to anymore.
Marry me, Denise.
Please.
Marry me.
I can't keep doing this for much longer.
It's killing me.
I'm at the lowest point of my whole life.
Fergus.
You need to really think hard.
Really think if I am the person you want to be with for the rest of your life.
We can make it work.
I know we can.
.
.
Hello? Can you come and see me? Me? Yeah, you.
It's important.
Tomorrow at one? Er, that's fine.
No worries.
See you then.
Hi.
Hi.
Are you OK? Great, yeah.
You? Sound, yeah.
So, how was it? What's he like? God, erm, where do I start? Bit of a dick.
You know, think David Brent, saggy jowls, beer gut, you know the score.
Do you want a brew? I'll have a coffee, yeah.
Here we are, chick.
Hello.
Hello.
No-one's died, have they? The front door was open and I've just seen a police car.
We've been burgled.
No.
Really? That's terrible, isn't it? We're just a bit shocked but we'll get over it.
You'll never get over it, Lisa.
But you will learn to live with it, I know exactly how you feel, I was burgled when I was a student.
I never knew you went to university, Bianca.
Well, strictly speaking, I didn't, it was when I was training to be a dancer.
Right, I'll see you later then.
Where you off, love? Paint balling.
What balling? Boys stuff, Sue.
Jack's got his old uni mate over and they're short of a man.
Sorry, I'm running late.
We've just been ransacked and he's off playing toy soldiers.
People react in different ways, chick.
Especially men.
Boys will be boys, Lisa.
Thanks, Bianca.
Hey, I've just had an idea.
Why don't we get everyone together from the close, build the community spirit back up again, motivate people to look out for one another? Over at mine, I'll get Jim to lay on a few nibbles.
What do you think, Sue? That's a great idea.
How long has this been loose? Best be off then.
Might as well get cracking.
It's off the bottom of that fence panel.
There's a hole about 2ft square.
Did you know? Behind the cherry blossom.
And? And, I think it's probably where the thief made his escape.
Really? I've been putting myself in the mind of the burglar.
And I've got a theory.
Go on then.
One, he wants to steal our money and valuables.
And two, he'll want to get out of that house as fast as he can as soon as it's done.
Well, knock me down with a feather.
Down here for dancing, kid.
Hello.
Emergency, hon.
Can you come and meet me for a coffee? I can't believe you've been so down.
I didn't think it was that painful for you.
Agony, babes.
I don't know if this helps, Fergus, but every time I feel really down, I just think about that woman from Widnes that got stampeded by a gang of elephants on holiday in India.
On holiday.
It puts everything into perspective, doesn't it? Promise me next time you're having a bad day, you'll do the same.
Yeah, course I will, sugar tits.
You OK? We've been bloody burgled.
No, seriously? It's horrendous.
I'm trying to be brave but it's making me feel sick.
You're insured, aren't you? Yeah.
Well, there you go then.
Right, get this.
Boss of Harry Rowland's phoned me.
He wants me to work for him.
Me.
That's fantastic.
So I went to meet him before and he wants me, Lisa.
Wants you? Fancies me.
He wants to take me out for a drink.
He gave me this bullshit about taking all of his prospective managers out first, likes to see how they fare socially as well as formally.
I bet he does He's really attractive.
He's cool and calm, sophisticated.
Wow! And guess what.
There's more? When Greg asked me what he was like, I told him he was ugly.
Why would I do that? What's the matter with me? You fancy him, Shelley.
That's what's up with you.
It's not like they nicked loads though.
Maybe they got disturbed.
Just the sentimental stuff.
Yeah.
Sure.
Is Lisa OK? She will be.
Thanks, mate.
I didn't realise it was all taken so seriously.
I was practically world champion.
Was? Still am.
OK? You know it.
He was more into the Poetry Society and all that thespian nonsense.
Nowt wrong with that.
It was merely a ploy to increase my pulling-power.
Which was admittedly poor in those first few barren weeks.
And yours wasn't? Two whole years before he even talked to a girl.
Did you go to uni then, Dan? No.
Apprenticeship, mate.
You learn on your feet in my game.
You married? Is this an interview? I'm just intrigued.
Are you married? Divorced.
Sorry.
Not at all, it's fantastic.
Kick off your shoes and they're not immediately tidied away.
Go out when you want, come back when you like.
Casual sex without the worry of being found out.
It's bliss, pal.
His wife ran off with her boss.
Ouch.
I'm over it.
I'm still standing, pal.
Catholic grammar school boy, my friend.
Beaten to a pulp aged 11 by a priest with a drink problem.
Made me the man I am today.
Hello, Bianca.
Hiya, Kate.
Double shot cappuccino, please, Kate.
Decaf.
Take-out.
- You alright, love? - Not too bad.
Bit pensive really.
You know how it gets.
Indeed I do.
Little get-together at mine tomorrow afternoon if you fancy it.
Just a few of the neighbours.
Give us a chance to get to know one another properly.
How nice.
I just want to build a bit back into the community spirit.
Make our little world a little bit safer.
I wasn't aware it was dangerous.
You haven't heard, have you? Heard what? Lisa and Dan got burgled.
No.
Nightmare.
I know.
And I just thought it would make a difference if we all, you know, kept a little eye on each other.
Well, I think that's a fantastic idea.
Right, you can have that on me.
I'd love to come.
I think you're very kind.
Do you? Thank you.
I'll see you tomorrow then.
See you tomorrow.
Not back on the dating game then yet, Richard? Been on a couple, yeah.
Any joy? You know what London's like.
Can't say that I do.
Southern women.
Ask them to go Dutch and they're out the door faster than shit off a shovel.
Isn't every woman these days? Like you'd know, Mr Smug And Married.
Second window on the right.
Is he covered? He's on to us.
It'll have to be a full-on ambush.
Here we go.
Richard, you run out wide.
One, two, three.
Go! Well? Well what? Well, we're all dead! Fuck it.
Home? Yeah, come on.
Tosser.
I've made a decision.
I'm going to go for a drink with him tomorrow afternoon.
On a Sunday? That's a date, not an interview.
Come on, you know what it's like in our game, the biggest opportunities happen at the weekends.
Yeah, and everyone's looking for their next shag.
He's not looking for a shag, it's a drink, just one, - informal interview.
Hiya.
- Hiya.
Yeah, right And I'm going to tell him that he's got to stop flirting with me if he wants me to work for him.
Change his focus.
What do you reckon? That's not going to stop you from fancying him though, is it? Lisa, it's not illegal to fancy other men, you know.
I never said it was.
Neil Diamond still has no idea how much he contributed to me and your father staying together.
Mother! That reminds me.
Guess who I saw all over each other the other day.
Who? Fergus and his new squeeze.
Where? We pulled up beside them at the traffic lights.
Beautiful-looking woman.
Like Barbra Streisand in the early years.
Minus the nose.
You mean his wife.
He's back with his wife? I told you, Mum, he never left her.
All over her, was he? Like a rash.
He didn't even see the lights turn green.
Sounds about right.
Well, thank God Denise saw sense in the end.
We know.
Right, girls sofa.
How well do you know this Emma bird? Dan, mine's a pint.
Well? Which Emma Bird? The one you put me on to for the money.
She called me.
Do you think she might want me to pay back the money already? If I were you, mate, I'd stay well away.
Have you seen her old man? .
.
Bianca told me about the burglary.
I'm so sorry.
Are you OK? Yeah, thanks.
You coming in? I don't want to disturb you both, I just thought you could do with a drink.
Dan's out with the lads.
We're having a girlie night in, if you fancy it.
As long as you're sure.
Hi, everyone.
Hi.
Found it down the side of number 18's garage.
Probably lost it trying to make a quick getaway.
Barry.
Pink stripe.
We can't just assume it's a fella.
Think about it, it's the silver they're after.
The frame.
Junkies don't want photos, do they? Dad, can we stop going over it? We won't solve it unless we do.
The coppers haven't time for all this.
They're pen pushing, that's what they'll be doing.
He's right.
It's a woman that's done this.
Free to rob houses on a bank holiday.
Obviously, no kids.
I haven't got any kids and I'm not a thief.
Nor have I.
Not happy with people round here having lovely homes so she wants to ruin it, doesn't she? The jealous cow.
Barry.
- He just cares.
- It'll be some rotten chav.
They're jealous of anyone who works hard to make a living.
I have to shim away from the back of the shop most mornings.
They're like pigeons.
You don't want to be wasting your energy, Barry.
Dad, we're trying to watch the telly.
So you are.
Sorry, ladies.
Sue, shall we get off? No.
Mum's staying here.
Sue, what about tea? There's a pepperoni pizza in the freezer, you can warm that up, crack open a can of lager.
Grand Designs is at 10.
Jump, jump, jump.
How about a card school? Tomorrow.
Sounds good.
Yeah.
Dan? Not really my thing.
Greg? Nah, me neither.
Just you and me then.
See ya.
Night night, love.
Bye! Yeah, thanks, that's great.
Bye.
I'm done, girls.
Alright.
Come on, you.
Come on.
Night night, Mum.
Night night.
That was my taxi, it's on its way.
Do you mind if I No, you get off, I'll let myself out.
You take yourself off to bed.
Ta, love.
Ta to you more like.
Thanks for a lovely evening.
Night.
Night.
Good night? Yeah.
Good day, more like.
Do you fancy going out for lunch somewhere? I can't.
I'm meeting up with the girls.
You never mentioned.
Didn't I? I would've planned something if I knew you were abandoning me.
You ditched me yesterday for the lads.
What? Soon buggered off, didn't you? We'd only been burgled five minutes earlier.
You should have said if you were pissed off.
And you should have known it, thank you very much.
Don't worry, I'm over it.
What, now? I've just done my hair.
So? Cheers.
Cheers.
Is that wise? You've got your interview later.
It'll be fine.
Anyway, it's a chat, informal, not an interview.
Erm, can I tell you two something? And you promise to hear me out.
Fergus has proposed.
Bloody hell, Denise.
When? Yesterday.
He asked me to marry him.
Properly.
Formally.
Did you have your legs wrapped round him at the time? My mum bought this fridge magnet from the chemist.
It's a little piglet sat on a wall, dead cute.
Underneath, there's a plaque that says, "A friend is someone that likes you even when they know everything that's wrong with you.
" There's nothing wrong with you.
It's him, love, you know it is.
I've had enough of this bullshit.
Tell her what your mam said.
Leave it.
Tell her.
She won't listen.
What did your mum say, Lisa? She saw Fergus with his wife the other day, snogging.
In love.
Besotted, all over each other.
Need any more details? When are you going to sort your head out, Denise, eh? When? Aw, Denise.
Denise.
Still up for that card school? White wine, dry.
Large, please.
Crime committed by women has risen by more than a fifth in the last four years, Sue.
A fifth.
Really? use force or violence.
Now, I understand force, but violence? I wonder what'd drive them to that.
She'll be right under our noses.
I'll bet you fiver on it.
I haven't got my purse.
Maybe we should go through all our friends.
Make a list.
What would be the point in that? We've already got a Christmas list with everybody we know on it.
You're right.
I might just have a look through it.
See who jumps out.
Like who? George and Betty? Rosie and Ken? Bert and Brenda? Bloody burglars, that lot? People get burgled all the time, it's a fact of life.
And what do you think would happen if every Tom, Dick and Harry put himself about as an expert on the subject? Hey? Just because he fancies himself as a bit of a Clouseau.
It's prevention that we should be concentrating on, Barry.
Think about it.
Prevention and awareness.
And vigilance.
And now, Nobby, would you do me a favour and button it? Because you're beginning to get on my wick.
Hi.
Hi.
Thanks.
What do you think of me, Greg? Pardon? What do you think of me? I think you're great.
I think you're great too.
Fancy a beer? No, honestly I'm having one.
Go on.
What else? Cell support staff go at the end of each bank of desks.
You have two on your team.
How does that work for you? Sounds great, thank you.
I'd like you to spend some time with the FD.
Whatever you think's best.
He'd like you.
Thank you.
I think I'll like him too.
Mark, shall we just Shall we just cut to the chase? I don't know, shall we? Look, you didn't invite me here to talk about seating arrangements, did you? No.
Guilty as charged.
What? I'm so sorry.
No, it's OK, it's OK.
I can't.
I thought I thought you liked me.
I think you're very attractive, Greg.
I think you are too.
Do you? Course.
Good.
Look, I lied, I'm sorry.
I'm actually married, Emma.
So am I.
And he'll be gone for hours.
I'm really sorry, Emma, you're fit as fuck, you really are, but I can't.
.
.
"Hi, this is Greg.
I'm not here so please leave a message.
Cheers.
" Hiya.
Well? Well what? How did it go? That, erm I didn't show up.
I changed my mind, I bottled it.
Something else will come up, I'm sure.
Probably best if you're not sure.
Have you seen Greg anywhere? I can't get hold of him.
"No, love, sorry.
" If you see him, can you ask him to give me a call? Yeah, course.
I've got to go, there's someone at the door.
OK, love.
Bye.
Still up for that card school? It's about building bridges, joining neighbourhoods.
Looking out for each other.
And who says we can't do that without a drop of Sauvignon? And a bit of George Michael.
Like I were telling the wife, they're not as thick as we think, these burglars.
He's right.
Jim's nephew got done for nicking a box of KitKats, and he's got four GCSEs.
- Spring roll, Barry? - Not for me, son.
They see an open window, they're through it like a shot.
- He's a genius, your father.
- Mum.
He means well.
Look who's here, everybody.
Hello.
And she's brought some cupcakes.
Sex, drugs and rock'n'roll, eh, Mum? I'm not sure I can take the pace.
Hi.
God.
I'm really sorry, I've got the wrong house.
Who is it, love? Bring back corporal punishment, I say.
They'd soon stop.
Well, violence isn't always the answer, believe it or not.
Nonsense.
I've had enough, Mum.
I'm off.
Alright, bye bye, chick.
When I was a lad, we were petrified of nicking anything in case we got a clout.
Time moves on, things changed.
You can't just go round hitting everybody.
I think we'd all do well to remember that.
Never a better point more well put, my love.
Thanks, love.
Think about it, what about light switch timers? Window locks.
Bloody big alarms outside of your house.
Guard dogs.
The world's gone soft.
Maybe it has.
But I met a very nice lady the other day, and she put everything in simple terms.
"Prevention, awareness and vigilance.
" A very nice lady indeed.
Very nice, eh? I always mean what I say, you know that, my little pilchard.
Do you, erm Do you fancy a few days away? What? Just you and me and the chuck wagon.
I'll raise you 20.
Go on then.
I'll see it.
Nice move.
He says, bitterly.
That's me.
I'm done, lads.
So soon? I haven't seen my wife for two days.
Might've known there'd be a ball and chain involved somewhere.
Casino! That's what we need, party with the big boys.
Who's in? Have fun.
Well, you missed Bianca's little soiree.
Shit.
I totally forgot.
How was it? How do you think? Jack's? Just cards.
You, cards? I was bored.
I just missed you.
Aw, did you? Mm.
Hey, was Greg there with you? Yeah.
Is he still there? Yeah.
They're out the back.
Hello.
Sorry to disturb you.
Shelley's been looking for you.
Shit, I'm on silent.
Bollocks.
Casino it is then.
Casino? Is this your good lady wife then, Greggy boy? No, mate.
This is Lisa, my neighbour.
This is Richard.
Dan's wife, actually.
- Lisa.
Lisa?! - Shut up.
Just shut up.
W-What do you mean, "Lisa"? Makes sense now, Dan running off, he's probably terrified.
Excuse me, were you born a prick? Or did you just go to a special school and learn? What? My husband does not run off on anyone, pal.
And if you're going to insult someone, try doing it to their face and not waiting till they've gone so they can't fight back.
It just makes you look like you've got no balls.
Unlike my husband, thank you very much.
Just call her, will you? Lisa.
I know, below the belt, I'm sorry.
You don't need to be sorry.
I wish I'd never asked him over.
Curse of Facebook? You're right, he is a prick.
Am I really that terrifying, Jack? Is that what people think? You really care what he thinks? No.
You told him about me? Not really.
Well, you must have, cos he knew who I was.
What have you been saying? Nothing.
But he knows who I am.
You've been talking about me, haven't you? I can't stop talking about you.
You do know what I mean, don't you? You do, I know you do.
I'm falling for you, Lisa.
Don't be silly.
I'm not being silly.
I'd better go.
Don't go, you always bloody go.
Mum? Can you come up here a minute? I need to tell you something.
Come on.
Let's get there.
Shit! I'm having this baby, Fergus.
Get used to it.
You don't bloody love me.
Yes I do.
No you don't! You really need to hear this, it's serious.
Or they can go the other way if we want to be racy, have something a bit more Eager Beaver, we'll have none of your vicars and tarts nonsense.
I'm Lee.
I'm Denise, this is Lisa.
I don't think he's worried who I am.
You said it was serious.
It is.
I'm in trouble, Dan.
You've got some fucking nerve, you have.
Dan?