Mr Black (2019) s01e06 Episode Script

[ALARM BEEPS.]
ANGELA: Oh.
Time's up.
Take your fingers away from the laptop.
- Okay.
One, two, three.
- One, two, three.
[CHIMES.]
Ooh, 128.
That's great! How'd you go? Um It's nothing to be ashamed of.
I read a lot of Christopher Hitchens.
You know, I follow Tim Minchin on Twitter.
- I got 155.
- [LAPTOP CHIMES.]
Ooh! And do I wanna tweet it? Yes, I do.
Congratulations, babe, you're a friggin' genius.
[CHUCKLES.]
Thank you.
Hey, we're not gonna, um we're not gonna tell your dad about these IQ tests, are we? - Oh, no.
Why? - No.
Oh, it was just it was his idea and I thought he might wanna follow up.
Oh, you poor idiot.
He's been feeding me general knowledge questions since I could talk.
My first words were Gallipoli, 1915.
You didn't stand a chance.
I walked right into that one, didn't it? And what's worse is, he thinks for a couple to be compatible they need to be within ten IQ points of each other.
Well, I'm sure he can deal with us being within 17 IQ points of each other.
Yeah.
I'm sure he could, but it's actually 27.
Right.
Well, you know what? Maybe we should just get married before your dad can use this somehow to destroy our relationship.
Are you serious? About him destroying our relationship? Yeah, 100%.
No, about getting married.
Yeah, I am.
'Cause it sounded kind of offhand.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Angela Geraldine Black Hang on, not yet.
You need to get Dad's blessing first.
You want me to get your dad's permission? I thought you were a feminist.
Not permission, blessing.
For reals? Yeah.
You can do it, I have absolute faith in you.
Really? Oh, geez, he's only just stopped calling me Flynn.
And Tim.
And do it before Mum gets here.
He'll be in a better mood.
Alright, hurry up.
I want it to be dry by the time Rowena gets here.
When did you get interested in Rowena again? I don't know, three weeks ago.
Ah, so about the time you saw that pic of her with another guy on Facebook? Is there a picture of her on Facebook? You know after I do this you're gonna smell like warm vanilla? I don't care, so long as I look good.
You'll be gorgeous! Like a young Julio Iglesias or an old Enrique Iglesias.
But it's not just about looks.
If you wanna get her back, maybe you should listen to her a bit more.
Alright, Dr Phil.
Now, what, do we do the privates, as well? You want me to spray your doodle? Be weird if you didn't.
Wouldn't it? Look like a witchetty grub climbing a tree.
Go on.
Up and under.
Under.
She's never gonna see this.
She will.
[MUTTERS.]
Okay.
Lookin' good, Mr Black.
Thank you, Fin.
When Rowena sees you she might rethink the divorce if that's what you want.
It's not about my looks, I can also be very charming.
I can smell cookies.
Did you bake cookies for Rowena? No.
[SNIFFS.]
Is that is that you smelling like cookies? I don't smell like cookies, I smell like warm vanilla.
Well, you smell delicious.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Actually, Mr Black, do you have a minute? I was hoping to talk to you about something.
- No, mate.
- It's just, um well, Angela and I've been together for a year now - No, mate - and I was wondering if perhaps, - I could have your blessing - No, mate.
- To uh, to marry her.
- No, mate.
What's that? Mate, I'm trying to read the form guide.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- [GASPS.]
Hi, Mum! - Hi, darling! - Fin.
- Hello, Rowena.
You look great, Mum! You do! You look ten years younger.
Oh, maybe I'm happy.
Ooh.
Rowena Black, as I live and breathe.
How's everything in your life? It's good, Peter.
That's the first time you've ever asked me about me.
Is everything okay? It is now you're here.
Goodness.
I could get used to this.
But I won't because this is my fiance, Barry.
- Barry, this is my daughter Angela.
- Hi.
- Her boyfriend, Fin.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- And my ex-husband Peter.
- Hello, Peter.
- Hey, Barry.
Well, this is a bit awkward, isn't it? I'm like the newer version of you, the Peter 2.
0.
And to top it off, we've both got bloody excellent tans.
- What's yours called? - Warm vanilla.
Mine's a spray and pray.
Used to be more about the spraying than the praying but I think they've finally got the balance right.
- Ha.
- [CHUCKLES.]
Let's get you guys set up in a room, shall we? - Yes! - Shall we? Let us.
Come on in.
Barry seems nice.
I'll do you a deal.
You help me break up Rowena and Barry, and I'll give you my blessing to marry Angela.
Gonna need that guaranteed in writing.
The only thing I can 100% guarantee is this is your only chance to get my blessing.
Follow me.
- FIN: Oh, interesting.
- MR BLACK: Don't crowd me, please.
- What? - Do you want my do you want my blessing? - Sit down.
- [GRUMBLES.]
Right.
How to break up a couple, write this down.
Mm-hmm.
Incite trouble via misinformation.
Oh, you're good on that one.
Fake incriminating evidence.
- Another one of your specialties.
- Thank you.
Exploit differences to drive wedges.
For instance, people who are 10 or more IQ points apart rarely last longer than a year.
Well, that all turned out to be fine because Angela and I have very similar IQs.
Lucky, because stable relationships statistically only exist between intellectual equals.
Which is why I struggle to find love.
Mm, yeah, I'm sure that's it.
[KNOCK ON DOOR.]
Enter.
Hmm, unusual combination of humans.
I might just give you a moment.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
Excuse me.
You're looking good, Peter.
Well, I put some effort in.
For you.
Really? I wanted to make it up to you.
Maybe give us a second chance? Well, it's nice seeing you being so reflective.
And you really gave the tan a crack.
I quite like the cookie smell.
It's warm vanilla.
But you left your run a little late.
I still want a divorce.
Well, if it'll help change your mind, Malcolm did spray my doodle.
Well, that changes everything.
Really? I'm joking, it doesn't change anything.
'Cause you've fallen for Barry who's just like me? Because I've fallen for Barry who's nothing like you.
Well, if you're happy with your toy boy then I'm happy too.
I'll sign those divorce papers before you leave.
Thank you very much.
Hmm, you even taste like cookies.
It's warm vanilla.
Fin.
WOMAN: [ON RECORDING.]
Hey, dummy.
Tired of being a person of only mediocre intelligence? Are you sick of having children repeatedly explain things to you? Well, over the next six lessons, you will learn to make both brain hemispheres work in tandem to boost your memory, increase your IQ and Not as happy with your IQ as you led us to believe.
That's a concern.
Always room for improvement.
That's for sure.
Anyhoo, stop piss-farting around.
We've got work to do.
Uh-oh.
Well, shit's about to get real 'cause someone's forgotten to pack their bumetanide.
Oh but you're so much more romantic without it.
Tell me about it.
Hey, um what are your thoughts on having sex just metres away from your ex-husband? Well, technically he's still my husband.
Oh.
But I think it's an excellent idea.
Wow, okay.
Do you reckon he's gonna sign the divorce papers? He said, before we go.
Okay.
Are you confident about that? Yep.
It's the end of an error.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- You're hot and funny.
[GIGGLES.]
Hey, I'm just checking you were making a pun just then? E, double R, O-R.
Yeah.
Mm, thought you were.
Come here, you.
- Barry! - [SIGHS.]
I'm going back for Row, she's just freshening up.
Sit.
Come on, sit.
- Sherry? - Oh, no.
It's fine.
It's Rowena's favourite.
Sure.
Thank you.
No worries.
I wish you very good health.
Up your bum! You know, I'm I'm at a stage in my life, Baz, where I just want the best for Row.
Yeah.
- I was a terrible husband.
- Yeah.
No, no.
I mean I should have paid attention to the important things, - you know, the little things.
- Mm-hmm.
What she loves, what she hates.
What type of things does she love and hate? Ah, it was a long time ago, man.
Yeah, fair enough.
I'm sure I'll find out soon enough.
She loves her astrology.
- Does she? Alright.
- Yeah.
That's one think I could've done, could've read her stars to her, you know, supported her loopy beliefs.
Hey, steady on there, champ.
No, you're right, that was out of line.
You know, if anything I was I was a closed-minded C word about it.
Yeah.
What? She loves parlour games.
- Charades.
- Mm-hmm.
Who's this? Rowena? Mm.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Hates Scrabble, though.
Don't try and tempt her with that.
Okay.
Not a fan of Scrabble myself.
Yeah? Well, there's something else you have in common.
She loves a foot massage.
Really? She's into a foot rub? - Mm-hmm, yes.
- Alright.
So, there's something up your sleeve if you ever wanna get on her good side.
- Yeah.
- I could've done more of that myself.
Well, this is very informative.
Thank you.
Anything else I should know? That was spectacular, Fin! Especially the deep fried zucchini flowers.
Yeah, yummy.
Here's to the chef.
- To the chef.
- To the chef.
Yes! So, where are you from, Barry? I'm from a very racist part of Townsville called Townsville.
[LAUGHTER.]
Hey, so anyway, I was eventually lured away to the bustling metropolis of Bundaberg, a city held in such high regard that its most famous resident's an alcoholic polar bear.
[LAUGHTER.]
So, I was thinking we could play a little game of something.
- Scrabble? - No, not Scrabble! What about a game of Charades? Yes.
ALL: Second word.
- Pompous! Pride.
- MR BLACK: Proud.
- Royal.
- Queen.
- King.
- FIN: King.
Prince? The Princess And The Peach? Uh, pans a lot.
And with Mercury in retrograde, don't forget this is not the best time to sign contracts or buy technology.
But with Venus touring your sign, you'll be getting a lot of romantic attention! Oh, that's nice, sweetheart.
Ooh.
[SCREAMS.]
What are you doing? Just massaging your feet! Why? 'Cause it's a loving thing to do between two people.
- Oh, Barry.
I'm sorry.
- Oh, shit, I'm sorry.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
That's after you.
That's heading also this way.
- Are you coming in? - No, thank you.
No, after you have a shower.
That's [SIGHS.]
Has the eagle landed? Yes, the eagle has landed and taken a massive shit over everything I used to stand for.
Good to hear.
This, along with all the lies and disinformation, is easily the meanest thing I've ever done.
And if you don't come through with your promise to bless our marriage, I'm gonna tell Rowena that you wilfully undermined her relationship with Barry.
And I'll just tell her that you wilfully undermined her relationship with Barry, as well.
I don't care, I've got nothing to lose.
I'm not the one trying to win Rowena back.
Just settle down, alright? I'll honour my end of the deal.
What kind of monster do you think I am? I don't need to think, I know what kind of monster you are.
I know what kind of monster you are.
ROWENA: Barry! Come here this minute.
That'll be the eagle now.
Can you just give me some explanation on the items in your browser history? "Big boob sex, naked girl butts," how to start a gangbang, I like affairs," and, "Is an IQ of 128 high or low?" That's not mine.
That is not my browser history.
For a start, I loathe the word butt, it's way too American.
But you are a butt guy.
Yeah, I'm a big, big butt guy, but I'm a bloody butt guy with an IQ of 111, hence why I'm in real estate.
Also, if I wanna bloody check out porn, you just got to flick it to incognito mode.
Just scroll up there and then look, there's no bloody browser history.
Apparently.
I've heard this.
Well, it's not my browser history.
Hang on a second, Row.
Gentlemen, we need to talk.
Yeah, we're a little busy right now, Bazzie.
Well, now you're not.
Okay, Peter, Fin.
As you're aware, I've been polite and courteous all weekend.
Okay? And that politeness and courtesy's been met with what, fake news, character assassination? And that makes me feel bad.
As nasty as that feels to me, you know what? I'm gonna put it to one side.
I'll put that to one side, okay, as long as you sign those bloody divorce papers, deliver them back to me by the end of the day, okay? And if you don't do that, I'm gonna snap your little leggies in two.
[POPS LIPS.]
See how your bloody Ankylosing spondo-shite-is, or whatever it is, bloody responds to that one.
Oi! How bloody dare you come into my house and talk to me like that? - Your house? - Yeah.
This is Rowena's parents', dickhead.
Yeah, well What are you doing? Eh! Eh, stop mucking around! - Stop that.
- Eh? - Alright, put it back.
Stop it.
- Yeah, there you go.
Stop it.
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING.]
Ah-hah! Yeah! - Yeah? Huh? - Huh? Huh! Well, the joke's on you, mate, because there's no staples left.
And I can see your balls.
Keep walking.
Just sign those bloody divorce papers, okay? Thought that went well.
The stapler was an excellent touch.
Careful, Fin.
Think the only way it could've gone better is if one of us smelt like a cookie.
Don't pay any attention to him, darl.
He's just having one last lunge at me before I walk off into my fabulous new life.
And in the future, if you want any information about me - you just have to ask.
- Okay.
And if you're feeling a little bit frisky, you just have to ask about that too.
You never know, you might get lucky.
You know that wasn't my browser history? I know.
Come on, let's go for a walk.
I don't know.
It's been a stressful 24 hours.
I just wanna cleanse myself of all this unwanted anger.
You sure? - Yeah.
- Alright.
I'll get you some bumetanide on the way.
Now remember, I love you and I trust you.
I love you too.
- Let's just start.
- Dad! Eating before all the guests get here is the height of bad manners.
Not that you care about being polite to him.
You have been an appalling host.
Oh, what, you had to have a foot massage, did you? Was it really that awful? Not just that! The Charades, the astrology, the fake browser history.
Admittedly, with that stuff we were having a bit of a laugh but that is all part of the hospitality.
He can come out here and he can have lunch like a real man.
- Fin, go and get him, please.
- Fin, no.
Yep.
Peter, you need to get in there and apologise to him.
He should not be rewarded for being a sooky la la.
Fin.
[WHISTLES.]
Go on.
Can you not whistle at him like a dog? [KNOCKS.]
Barry? Barry? Sorry to interrupt, Barry, but lunch is on the ta ble.
[WHISPERS.]
Barry? MALCOLM: What is Ringo Starr's real name? Richard Starkey.
- Oh, that's too easy.
- Yeah, just gave it away.
Well trained, Pete.
I like it.
[CHUCKLES.]
Alright, another one.
What is the name of - the Beatles White Album? - [WHISTLES, COOS.]
The Beatles.
You should've known that one.
I think she got ya.
- Which Beatles album - [WHISPERS.]
Mr Black - was recorded last? - Can I see you for a second? Is it Abbey Road? - Yes! Good.
- Just a second.
Excuse me.
That's good stuff.
Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Bet the eagle hasn't got the sads out of the stapler.
It was all just a bit of fun.
No, no, I don't think he's got sads about anything.
The eagle has um the eagle is no longer with us.
He's extremely dead.
How are we gonna tell Rowena? Just at least close his eyes, that's creepy.
- Why me? - Because you killed him.
- What? I didn't kill him.
- You did.
That browsing history prank must have pushed him over the edge.
There was some depraved shit in there.
You're the one that took to him with a stapler and then wrestled him till his towel came off.
- [KNOCK ON DOOR.]
- Is everything alright? Yep.
All good, thank you.
Just give us a moment, please.
Why is the door locked? Just hold on, Row.
At least close his eyes, that's creepy.
I can't touch him.
What if they find my fingerprints on his eyelids and think I killed him? They won't dust his eyelids for fingerprints.
- Anyway, you did kill him.
- I did not kill him.
- You killed him.
- You killed him.
Darling, Barry, - are those idiots bothering you? - Just a minute.
Why can't I get into my own room? Everyone, please calm down! It's not time to panic at a time like this please.
ANGELA: Fin, let my mother in the room.
Yeah.
Oh, my God.
Darling? Barry? Barry?! Oh, no! No! No! [SOBS.]
Barry.
[SOBS.]
I want you to know that I hold you two directly responsible, putting him under all that stress during that idiotic, last ditch attempt to win me back.
Mum, they were dickheads, but they didn't kill him.
The doctor said he was a ticking bomb.
He shouldn't have even gone on the plane.
The only consolation is the fact that we had mind-blowing sex the day before he died.
Maybe that's what did it.
I'm so sorry.
If I'd known you'd found love, I never would have given Pete a spray tan.
You weren't to know.
I'm not sure I will ever find another man.
My stunning looks can't last much longer.
Well, I'm always here, darling.
Oh, for God's sake, Peter.
I've spent enough time with you for one life.
Well, if I can't have you, then I give my blessing for you and Malcolm to get together.
I know he's always carried a torch for you.
Come on, Peter.
Malcolm's as gay as Christmas.
Sorry, Pete, it's something I've been meaning to tell you.
I've got to go.
Bye, Malcolm.
I'll get your luggage.
- Fin - I'm so sorry.
don't listen to anything Mr Black says.
Ever.
Peter, I am exhausted and overcome with grief so I'll just say this one thing - God took the wrong one.
- Yep.
Well, all's well that ends well.
So, I held up my end of the deal, I'd like to think you're a big enough man to hold up yours.
Can I have your blessing to marry Ange? No, hold on.
The deal was I'd give you my blessing if you help me break them up.
They didn't break up.
The deal was voided.
No, no, Rowena is single.
That's the deal.
No, I asked you to drive a wedge between them.
I didn't ask you to kill anyone.
I didn't kill anyone.
And even if I did, then that is a very strong wedge.
Sorry, Fin, I'm not convinced.
Maybe if you were a few IQ points smarter you'd be able to convince me, but you're not.
So Oh! I've got a pony running in the seventh in Eagle Farm.
Let's call this conversation a work in progress.
You're on the right path but how long and bumpy that path is? No-one really knows.