Mr. Iglesias (2019) s01e06 Episode Script
Bullying
1 Still no Lorenzo, huh? He knows how I get when you guys are late.
He doesn't want to see my angry face.
Mr.
Iglesias, you don't have what it takes to make an angry face: anger.
Yeah, your mad face would be a lot more effective without those crazy cute dimples.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Stop it.
What's the big deal about Lorenzo being late? So he misses a few minutes about the so-called "Great Depression.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Look, you guys don't think it's important to be on time? What if Paul Revere had been late, huh? What would his wife have said? [IN COLONIAL ACCENT.]
"Oh, Paul.
Wake up! Wake up! You must tell everyone that the British are coming.
The British are coming.
Oh, is that musket fire? The British aren't coming, the British are here! They're here! Oh, look, they look so handsome in those red coats.
Let me tighten my corset.
" Mrs.
Revere sounds sexy as hell.
She was a lot more handsome than sexy.
Mr.
Iglesias, it's it's not Lorenzo's fault he's not here.
Well, I'm not one to gossip, but he's been having problems with a tough, scary kid.
What? Who would bully Lorenzo? I told him.
Those skinny jeans and that fuzzy fade weren't doing him any favors.
You know, I offered my bodyguarding services.
For some reason, he didn't take 'em.
Freakin' your funeral, dude.
You know what they say, Mikey, it's not always the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Yeah.
And those people usually get their asses kicked.
A lot.
All right, before I forget, we gotta go over these handouts that the school board gave us.
Let me guess, a thousand photocopies about saving trees? No, actually, they want us to start using inclusive language.
For example, when I call you guys "guys," I should be calling you "students," because some of you are ladies.
Sorry, Lady-Americans.
[SIGHS.]
Who needs more crazy rules? That's a perfect example, Walt.
According to the school's new guidelines, "crazy" is considered a derogatory term.
I thought inclusive language had to do with gender and orientation.
Yeah, let's talk about sex! Walt, for five minutes, how about we not talk about sex? The list has to do with that, plus abilities, nationality, and ethnicity.
So, take a look and be careful what you say.
No way.
This is half of my vocabulary.
Well, in that case, that makes you a real number 14.
- [GROUP CHUCKLES.]
- Ooh! Uncalled for.
Didn't feel good, right? Hurts even more coming from a number six.
Number six.
Oh, that's my favorite combo at Jack in the Box.
- When's lunch? - [BELL RINGS.]
I did that with my mind! [THEME SONG PLAYING.]
Mr.
Iglesias Mr.
Iglesias Mr.
Iglesias, this list is supposed to help the campus feel more inclusive, but it leaves me out.
How? I believe you fall under the very desirable subcategory of Latinos, like me.
You can't say Latinos.
The correct term is Latinx.
"Latinx"? Sounds like a Mexican bug spray.
It's not a joke, Mr.
Iglesias.
I thought it was funny.
No, even though the school board left it out of the little handout, that is the correct way to refer to us.
[SIGHS.]
Look, you can't just make up a word and force people to use it.
Believe me, I tried with the word "redonkulous," and it did not catch on.
Too many cultures have used the masculine to refer to all people.
That's messed up, which is why the right word is Latinx.
Look, that might be the right word today, okay? But you gotta remember something, Marisol, I'm much older than you, and I've already been through this.
When I was born, on my birth certificate, there was only two options to describe what I was.
I was either Afro-American or Caucasian Now, clearly, I wasn't Afro-American, so I was white by default.
I had it made.
I had a future of new words like "homeowner," "registered voter," and then they changed it.
They added a third box, so now, it was "other," and there went my house.
And I was "other" for a long time, and then they changed it to Hispanic when I came out of the first grade, and I was cool with that.
But then my buddy Albert was like, "Dude, we're not Hispanic, bro, we're Chicano.
" But that ended with Albert and me being called "defendants.
" [SIGHS.]
By the time they dropped the charges, we were Mexican-American.
The point is, is that all these different people got together, the Puerto Ricans, Dominicans, Cubans, Mexicans, Salvadorians, and the majority of the Spanish-speaking countries, and they finally agreed on one word, and that word was Latino.
And it's been that way for decades.
Even the Argentinians jumped on board.
They don't agree with anyone! Now you want me and millions of other people to start using this new word? Ah, I don't think so.
A whole new one word.
I'm sorry it's such an inconvenience, but we're Latinx now, so everyone who doesn't identify as male feels included.
Come on, you can say it.
Is it even proper Spanish? Or English? I bet you can't even tell me a word that ends in "nx.
" Jinx, lynx, minx.
Okay, a fourth word.
Pharynx, larynx, phalanx.
[SIGHS.]
English department is killing it.
Just think about it.
And, oh, yeah: sphynx.
Well, that stinks.
[MARISOL.]
Doesn't have an x.
Gabe, do you want 30 copies of Huckleberry Finn? With the new language guidelines, I can't teach this book anymore.
I'm okay.
But you know who would love these? Mr.
Ochoa in room 208.
Okay.
- Lorenzo.
- Not today, Satan! [PANTING.]
- It's just you, Mr.
Iglesias.
- Yeah.
- Hey.
- Yeah, it's just me.
Were you, uh Were you expecting somebody else? Like maybe the person who kicked your books all over the floor? Oh! Uh, that was me.
Yeah, I was distracted.
I think there was a mini-drone following me.
- Oh, okay.
- You know they're the size of bumble bees.
"Oh, no!" Yeah, you know, I'm I'm allergic to bees.
And to, uh BS.
Why weren't you in class this morning? I was, uh observing a religious holiday.
- Hmm.
- Yeah, yeah, it's called Ramadan Showshannaman.
Okay.
- Got a complicated family, you know.
- Yeah, me too.
Um Your classmates said that you might have a bully.
- What? - [GABE CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
You don't have to be the strong, silent type.
You could be the strong tattletale type.
Uh, no can do.
In case you haven't heard, snitches get stitches.
[STAMMERS.]
Sometimes, snitches get justice! Just because it doesn't rhyme doesn't mean it's not true! How's it going, Gabe? - You look down.
- Yeah.
I'm having a problem with Lorenzo that not even pan dulce can fix.
Is it about the moon landing or the grassy knoll? Lorenzo's got a bully.
[GASPS.]
No way.
He's such a sweet, soft-spoken little wisp of a thing.
Oh, that is bully-bait.
I guess it's kind of on him.
You do know how bullying works, right? I remember those days.
Hiding from my bully in the girls' bathroom.
On the plus side, it was kind of like paradise in there.
Hmm.
All the graffiti had hearts on the "I"s.
- [ABBY CHUCKLES.]
- And get this, the toilets had seats.
You know, I had a bully back in high school too.
This new girl, Melissa, she kept trying to sit at our table, and the only way that I could get rid of her was to start an awful rumor about her.
She didn't really have a tail.
You do know you're the bully in that story, right? Oh, no, no, no.
I was just protecting her.
I didn't want her to hear what we were saying behind her back.
So what do you think I should do, Tony? Well, the period's almost over.
You could wait for the bully by Lorenzo's locker.
Gabe's got a bully? [LAUGHS.]
You know, that figures.
If it's one of my players, I'll talk to him, make sure he's doing it right.
Yeah, Coach, that's just what we need more of.
Pro-bullying workshops.
"Hey, kids, it doesn't get better.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Easy, Coco.
Listen, I had a bully growing up, and look how great I turned out, huh? Yeah, Coach.
We definitely need to intervene.
He should be so lucky.
I own a townhouse and I just beat a parking ticket.
Oh! Bingo, bango! Okay, Gabe, let's go help Lorenzo.
Do I have time to fill a pillowcase with sodas? What sorority did you belong to? Pop-a Cap-a In Your Ass-a? Hey, this is kinda cool.
Our team swooping in to save someone in distress.
We're like Guardians of the Galaxy.
Bro, look at us.
We're more like the Gardeners of the Galaxy.
- What does that make her? - The lady who pays us.
Oh, right.
[SCREAMS, CLEARS THROAT.]
Hey.
Where were you at lunch, stupid? You were supposed to buy me my Hot Cheetos.
Okay? Uh, those aren't really healthy, Rita.
Uh - You want an apple? [CHUCKLES.]
- Boy, did I ask you for fruit? I don't want none of your tree garbage.
[SOFTLY.]
Okay, I'm gonna [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
[YELPS.]
Those rings are new.
[CHUCKLES.]
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
Lorenzo's bully's a girl? I did not see that coming.
That's no girl, that's Rita Perez.
She's got priors.
I'm out.
Come on, she's not that threatening.
I've dealt with a lot of bullies before, but never ones with Sharpie eyebrows.
Hey, Lorenzo, you okay? God, it's like the Mexican Conjuring.
- He's fine.
Mind your business.
- [IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
I'm cool.
Are we gonna do something, Gabe? Damn right we are.
We're gonna go ask Paula what to do.
[PAULA.]
It's always a joy to see you, Ms.
Fuentes.
Shall we continue with the pleasantries or go straight to today's complaints? Oh, I'm going straight to the complaint.
[PAULA.]
Oh, God.
I'm listening, but I might rest my eyes.
I was reading our new inclusive language guidelines, and it doesn't adequately represent my people.
You mean people who ruin my lunch? No, Latinx.
Latino describes men, and when you use it to describe a group, it leaves out everyone who's not a man.
Wow.
I never thought of it that way, Marisol.
I see where you're coming from.
But I'm not in charge of the Spanish language.
You'll have to take your problems up with Spain.
Trust me, I've already left a scathing takedown on Spain's Yelp page.
- [SIGHS.]
Hey, Paula.
- Oh, gosh.
Can a girl grab a bite of her Lean Cuisine? What do you guys want? One of my students is having a problem with a bully.
"Bully," you say? I did say "bully.
" I did not say "Beetlejuice" three times.
Uh, what is going on with this bully, Gabe? Well, I didn't see much, because I fled to safety, but it involved Lorenzo Webber.
Really? He's so puny.
I'm surprised he could scare anyone.
He's the victim, okay? He's being jittery, anxious, talking nonsense.
So he's being himself.
A-boom! And you're being yourself.
A-bummer! Come on, man, this is serious.
I have zero tolerance for bullies.
Boys with too much testosterone taking out their anger on innocent students.
Who is this punk? Rita Perez.
Wait, a girl is bullying Lorenzo? [LAUGHING.]
That is hilarious.
You don't know what to do either, do you? Rita's tough.
She pushed him up against a wall.
It gave me flashbacks.
And then she pulled him down the hall.
According to the HR pamphlet, the Bad Touch Bear would be frowning.
That bear is such a bummer.
So, we have menacing, intimidation, potential kidnapping.
I can convict her on all these counts.
She's gonna be sorry she ever met me.
We all are.
Heel, Carlos.
A girl bullying a boy? Get out of my office with this mess.
Well, someone should talk to Rita about her language, because I heard her call him negrito.
Negrito? Oh, wait, hell no.
- Negrito? - Paula, look, look, I know what it sounds like, but in reality, that part's not a big deal.
Gabe, who do you think you're talking to? I know a racial slur when I hear one.
Paula, in Spanish, it's not a slur.
Yeah, it's actually a term of endearment.
- Really? What does it mean? - Mm-hmm.
Translate it for me, in English.
Um - Technically? - Literally.
Little blackie.
What?! What? Carlos, you tell Rita Perez she is suspended for violating our inclusive language guidelines and for pissing me the hell off.
Yes! I'll start the proceedings.
I knew today was gonna be a great day.
I do want Rita to stop hassling Lorenzo, but she shouldn't be suspended for using a cute nickname.
Okay? There's thousands of songs on iTunes that have that word in the lyrics.
Here's a lyric: "Mama don't care.
" Not in my house.
I bet there's a couple names I could call you that would make you feel like crap.
Yeah, and if you did that, you'd be a real number 13.
Thirteen? What is 13? Where is that? Thirteen [GABE.]
Bye.
Not on your best day! Hey, Marisol.
Did Principal Madison agree to add your word to the list? You mean my made-up word that will be obsolete before I graduate? Did my face say that? Because I know those words didn't come out of my mouth.
Look, Mr.
Iglesias, I'm not surprised you didn't get it, but I really thought Principal Madison would understand.
But in her defense, she doesn't like me.
So since she didn't go for it, am I kinda off the hook? You know Latino isn't exactly a bad word.
It's exclusive.
Of course, you don't mind gender bias in language because the bias is in your gender's favor.
[SILENTLY MOUTHS.]
Yes.
It's just nice to get a W every once in a while.
[SCOFFS.]
Well, I'm still waiting for mine.
I know the lady that made this.
I can get you one.
I can't believe I sentenced Rita to cruel and unusual punishment: having to hang out with Carlos.
Oh, my God, what if she retaliates? Think I can file a restraining order against a 16-year-old girl? Don't worry, if anybody needs protection, I know Krav Maga.
That's Israeli ninja fighting.
[GRUNTING.]
Shalom.
You are a complicated lady.
[CHUCKLES.]
I just don't feel right about getting Rita kicked out of school.
Aw, Gabert, just go talk to Lorenzo, then you'll see you did the right thing.
I bet he'll be so grateful.
Are you out of your mind? How could you? Look, man, if there's one thing I know about women, it's that they never hold grudges.
I can't even say that with a straight face.
You just ruined my whole life.
Rita doesn't hate me, Mr.
Iglesias, she likes me.
Well, she's gonna have to learn to take no for an answer.
Wh What do you mean, "take no for an answer"? I never said no.
Trying to say yes, just don't know how.
Dude, it looked like she had you hostage.
A hostage of love.
Dang, she even called me negrito.
You know, some people think that negrito is a bad word, but how do you feel about it? Yeah, well, the first time she said it, I was about to call Reverend Al Sharpton, but then Marisol explained what it means, and now I'mma make it my Reddit username.
Okay, I think that name might already be taken.
[SIGHS.]
So what do I do now? Well, you could try negrito1, negrito2, negrito3 No, no, no.
About Rita.
Oh, well, if you like her so much, why don't you let her know? Start liking her photos on Instagram, then slide into her DMs with a selfie like this.
Does that ever work? Once.
Turned out you had to pay, though.
Look, what do you usually do to let a girl know that you're interested in her? I'm sure a smooth guy like you has all the moves.
It's all a front! I am a mess inside, brother.
Do you have any idea how much pressure there is on a young black man to act like he knows how to handle the ladies? Michael B.
Jordan has ruined it for the rest of us.
Mario Lopez did that for my people.
- Just talk to her.
- How? On a prison phone with that glass between us? We can't even touch fingers, man.
You got her kicked out.
Did I say "my bad" for that? Um Okay, look.
I'll work on the suspension, but if Rita were here right now, what would you say to her? I got it.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
"I'm lining all my hoodies with aluminum foil, I'll make one for you, boo.
" She's a girl, not a burrito.
Hey, good to see you caught the bully.
Lorenzo's actually the one being bullied.
[COACH LAUGHS.]
That's great.
Who's the unsung hero making a man out of him? Rita Perez.
Jesus Christ, she's back in school? Look, I'm really sorry about that, Lorenzo.
Just pretend you didn't see any of that, all right? Now Mr.
Ochoa and I are gonna help you figure out how to talk to a lady.
I'll be Lorenzo, Mr.
Iglesias will be Rita.
That's not how I pitched it, but all right.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
What's up, stupid? Tell me you like my eyebrows.
I'll cut you.
Damn, you sound just like her.
Now your turn, fool.
Tell me what you like about me.
Better not be stupid.
Girl, I love how big your feet look in those Tims.
No.
Lorenzo, no.
Look, let me show you how it's done.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
All right, chaparrito, show me what you got.
- Hey.
- Ooh! That's firm.
- All right, stop it.
- Yeah, do you work out? - ¡Ay, Dios mÃo! - Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey, we coulda switched sides, bro, but you wanted to Okay.
Look just look deep into Rita's eyes.
Speak slowly, so she knows it's important.
But make sure whatever you say is a lie.
Whenever you tell a woman the truth, she will find a way to use it against you.
¡Mentiroso! Lorenzo, what are you doing in here? Oh, are you hiding from Rita? I got your back.
What's her fighting style? Is she a grappler or a striker? She's a stabber.
No, she's not.
She's just a girl who doesn't know how to talk to a boy who doesn't know how to talk to a girl.
Abby.
Why don't you give him a woman's perspective? Oh, sure.
Lorenzo, it's simple.
You want to be open but mysterious, strong but vulnerable, big but not afraid to look small, present but not clingy.
Got it? I definitely do not.
But I got why all three of you are single.
Look Rita's having her disciplinary hearing today in Principal Madison's office.
If you wanna help her out, you gotta tell everybody what's really going on.
[SIGHS.]
Man, not only do I have to tell Rita how I feel, but I have to do it in front of a room full of people? Yeah.
Just speak from the heart.
Look, if you open up to her, I'm sure she'll open up to you.
Or as Rita would say, "Don't be stupid, stupid!" Miss Perez [ITEMS CLATTER.]
do you understand the charges against you and your rights in this disciplinary hearing? What, do you think I'm deaf? Like I can't hear you through these monster hoops? Let's cut to the chase.
I want to hear what you have to say for yourself.
[SCOFFS.]
I ain't saying nothing without my lawyer.
He's that guy whose face is on the bus bench.
His number is ocho-ocho-ocho, ocho-ocho-ocho-ocho-ocho, ocho-ocho.
I believe Lorenzo has something to say that might clear things up.
Why do you have to ruin everything? You're worse than Mother! Lorenzo? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Hey, girl.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, I was thinking, right, about how things went down, what could have been, and what still could be.
You know what I'm saying? [GIGGLES.]
You stupid.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, I agree with that.
If you want to help your girl out, why don't you tell Rita how you feel about her? [SIGHS.]
Look, when you first started stalking me and blowing up my phone, I didn't really know what to do, but I kinda liked it.
And then when you were tackling me and taking my money in the hall, I didn't really say anything, 'cause I didn't want you to stop.
Wrap it up before they send you to counseling.
Okay.
What I'm trying to say is, you don't have to try so hard to get me to pay attention to you, because I like you, Rita, and I'd like to get to know you better.
Me too.
Hey, you know what? Let's go to a swap meet and get all freaky.
Okay, my dad needs a new tarp.
Hey.
Hey.
Bring me back a bag of gasoline.
Okay.
A bag? So, Lorenzo, if you had been honest with Rita in the beginning, none of this would have happened? Uh - Yes, ma'am.
- Uh-huh.
It's the man's fault, as usual.
Men are so stupid, right? Mm-hmm.
Rita, you can go back to class now.
I think you're forgetting something.
[WHISPERS.]
What about the negrito? Uh, I'm I'm fine with her calling me that.
Well, I don't like the word.
It makes me feel bad.
You hear that, kids? I don't care what you call each other in private, as long as you don't use words that could hurt people's feelings.
Now, I'm overdue to apologize to someone.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Aw, apology accepted.
Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice! Hey, Marisol.
Can I talk to you for a second? One Hispanic to another? Sure.
I'm inclusive.
Yeah, about that.
So, look, I learned a new word today.
Latin-X or Latinx.
Maybe I learned two words.
I'll take either one.
I can see how the word Latino makes it seem like men are more important, and I can tell you, as a son of a single mom, that's not true.
I'm sorry for taking so long to catch on.
Well, that's okay.
Old people are slow, so [CHUCKLES.]
All right.
Sometimes a teacher needs to get schooled, and now I'm officially woke.
By the way, I'm still okay with Latina.
You and I together, we are Latinx.
So, me by myself, I would be ? Mr.
Iglesias? Yes! Yes! Let's use that.
Yes.
Thank you.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, man.
Oh, that's a lot to take in.
What are you doing? I'm texting Tony.
He still thinks Latinx is a Mexican iPhone.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]
He doesn't want to see my angry face.
Mr.
Iglesias, you don't have what it takes to make an angry face: anger.
Yeah, your mad face would be a lot more effective without those crazy cute dimples.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Stop it.
What's the big deal about Lorenzo being late? So he misses a few minutes about the so-called "Great Depression.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Look, you guys don't think it's important to be on time? What if Paul Revere had been late, huh? What would his wife have said? [IN COLONIAL ACCENT.]
"Oh, Paul.
Wake up! Wake up! You must tell everyone that the British are coming.
The British are coming.
Oh, is that musket fire? The British aren't coming, the British are here! They're here! Oh, look, they look so handsome in those red coats.
Let me tighten my corset.
" Mrs.
Revere sounds sexy as hell.
She was a lot more handsome than sexy.
Mr.
Iglesias, it's it's not Lorenzo's fault he's not here.
Well, I'm not one to gossip, but he's been having problems with a tough, scary kid.
What? Who would bully Lorenzo? I told him.
Those skinny jeans and that fuzzy fade weren't doing him any favors.
You know, I offered my bodyguarding services.
For some reason, he didn't take 'em.
Freakin' your funeral, dude.
You know what they say, Mikey, it's not always the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.
Yeah.
And those people usually get their asses kicked.
A lot.
All right, before I forget, we gotta go over these handouts that the school board gave us.
Let me guess, a thousand photocopies about saving trees? No, actually, they want us to start using inclusive language.
For example, when I call you guys "guys," I should be calling you "students," because some of you are ladies.
Sorry, Lady-Americans.
[SIGHS.]
Who needs more crazy rules? That's a perfect example, Walt.
According to the school's new guidelines, "crazy" is considered a derogatory term.
I thought inclusive language had to do with gender and orientation.
Yeah, let's talk about sex! Walt, for five minutes, how about we not talk about sex? The list has to do with that, plus abilities, nationality, and ethnicity.
So, take a look and be careful what you say.
No way.
This is half of my vocabulary.
Well, in that case, that makes you a real number 14.
- [GROUP CHUCKLES.]
- Ooh! Uncalled for.
Didn't feel good, right? Hurts even more coming from a number six.
Number six.
Oh, that's my favorite combo at Jack in the Box.
- When's lunch? - [BELL RINGS.]
I did that with my mind! [THEME SONG PLAYING.]
Mr.
Iglesias Mr.
Iglesias Mr.
Iglesias, this list is supposed to help the campus feel more inclusive, but it leaves me out.
How? I believe you fall under the very desirable subcategory of Latinos, like me.
You can't say Latinos.
The correct term is Latinx.
"Latinx"? Sounds like a Mexican bug spray.
It's not a joke, Mr.
Iglesias.
I thought it was funny.
No, even though the school board left it out of the little handout, that is the correct way to refer to us.
[SIGHS.]
Look, you can't just make up a word and force people to use it.
Believe me, I tried with the word "redonkulous," and it did not catch on.
Too many cultures have used the masculine to refer to all people.
That's messed up, which is why the right word is Latinx.
Look, that might be the right word today, okay? But you gotta remember something, Marisol, I'm much older than you, and I've already been through this.
When I was born, on my birth certificate, there was only two options to describe what I was.
I was either Afro-American or Caucasian Now, clearly, I wasn't Afro-American, so I was white by default.
I had it made.
I had a future of new words like "homeowner," "registered voter," and then they changed it.
They added a third box, so now, it was "other," and there went my house.
And I was "other" for a long time, and then they changed it to Hispanic when I came out of the first grade, and I was cool with that.
But then my buddy Albert was like, "Dude, we're not Hispanic, bro, we're Chicano.
" But that ended with Albert and me being called "defendants.
" [SIGHS.]
By the time they dropped the charges, we were Mexican-American.
The point is, is that all these different people got together, the Puerto Ricans, Dominicans, Cubans, Mexicans, Salvadorians, and the majority of the Spanish-speaking countries, and they finally agreed on one word, and that word was Latino.
And it's been that way for decades.
Even the Argentinians jumped on board.
They don't agree with anyone! Now you want me and millions of other people to start using this new word? Ah, I don't think so.
A whole new one word.
I'm sorry it's such an inconvenience, but we're Latinx now, so everyone who doesn't identify as male feels included.
Come on, you can say it.
Is it even proper Spanish? Or English? I bet you can't even tell me a word that ends in "nx.
" Jinx, lynx, minx.
Okay, a fourth word.
Pharynx, larynx, phalanx.
[SIGHS.]
English department is killing it.
Just think about it.
And, oh, yeah: sphynx.
Well, that stinks.
[MARISOL.]
Doesn't have an x.
Gabe, do you want 30 copies of Huckleberry Finn? With the new language guidelines, I can't teach this book anymore.
I'm okay.
But you know who would love these? Mr.
Ochoa in room 208.
Okay.
- Lorenzo.
- Not today, Satan! [PANTING.]
- It's just you, Mr.
Iglesias.
- Yeah.
- Hey.
- Yeah, it's just me.
Were you, uh Were you expecting somebody else? Like maybe the person who kicked your books all over the floor? Oh! Uh, that was me.
Yeah, I was distracted.
I think there was a mini-drone following me.
- Oh, okay.
- You know they're the size of bumble bees.
"Oh, no!" Yeah, you know, I'm I'm allergic to bees.
And to, uh BS.
Why weren't you in class this morning? I was, uh observing a religious holiday.
- Hmm.
- Yeah, yeah, it's called Ramadan Showshannaman.
Okay.
- Got a complicated family, you know.
- Yeah, me too.
Um Your classmates said that you might have a bully.
- What? - [GABE CHUCKLES.]
Yeah.
You don't have to be the strong, silent type.
You could be the strong tattletale type.
Uh, no can do.
In case you haven't heard, snitches get stitches.
[STAMMERS.]
Sometimes, snitches get justice! Just because it doesn't rhyme doesn't mean it's not true! How's it going, Gabe? - You look down.
- Yeah.
I'm having a problem with Lorenzo that not even pan dulce can fix.
Is it about the moon landing or the grassy knoll? Lorenzo's got a bully.
[GASPS.]
No way.
He's such a sweet, soft-spoken little wisp of a thing.
Oh, that is bully-bait.
I guess it's kind of on him.
You do know how bullying works, right? I remember those days.
Hiding from my bully in the girls' bathroom.
On the plus side, it was kind of like paradise in there.
Hmm.
All the graffiti had hearts on the "I"s.
- [ABBY CHUCKLES.]
- And get this, the toilets had seats.
You know, I had a bully back in high school too.
This new girl, Melissa, she kept trying to sit at our table, and the only way that I could get rid of her was to start an awful rumor about her.
She didn't really have a tail.
You do know you're the bully in that story, right? Oh, no, no, no.
I was just protecting her.
I didn't want her to hear what we were saying behind her back.
So what do you think I should do, Tony? Well, the period's almost over.
You could wait for the bully by Lorenzo's locker.
Gabe's got a bully? [LAUGHS.]
You know, that figures.
If it's one of my players, I'll talk to him, make sure he's doing it right.
Yeah, Coach, that's just what we need more of.
Pro-bullying workshops.
"Hey, kids, it doesn't get better.
" [CHUCKLES.]
Easy, Coco.
Listen, I had a bully growing up, and look how great I turned out, huh? Yeah, Coach.
We definitely need to intervene.
He should be so lucky.
I own a townhouse and I just beat a parking ticket.
Oh! Bingo, bango! Okay, Gabe, let's go help Lorenzo.
Do I have time to fill a pillowcase with sodas? What sorority did you belong to? Pop-a Cap-a In Your Ass-a? Hey, this is kinda cool.
Our team swooping in to save someone in distress.
We're like Guardians of the Galaxy.
Bro, look at us.
We're more like the Gardeners of the Galaxy.
- What does that make her? - The lady who pays us.
Oh, right.
[SCREAMS, CLEARS THROAT.]
Hey.
Where were you at lunch, stupid? You were supposed to buy me my Hot Cheetos.
Okay? Uh, those aren't really healthy, Rita.
Uh - You want an apple? [CHUCKLES.]
- Boy, did I ask you for fruit? I don't want none of your tree garbage.
[SOFTLY.]
Okay, I'm gonna [CHUCKLES SOFTLY.]
[YELPS.]
Those rings are new.
[CHUCKLES.]
[UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC PLAYING.]
Lorenzo's bully's a girl? I did not see that coming.
That's no girl, that's Rita Perez.
She's got priors.
I'm out.
Come on, she's not that threatening.
I've dealt with a lot of bullies before, but never ones with Sharpie eyebrows.
Hey, Lorenzo, you okay? God, it's like the Mexican Conjuring.
- He's fine.
Mind your business.
- [IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
I'm cool.
Are we gonna do something, Gabe? Damn right we are.
We're gonna go ask Paula what to do.
[PAULA.]
It's always a joy to see you, Ms.
Fuentes.
Shall we continue with the pleasantries or go straight to today's complaints? Oh, I'm going straight to the complaint.
[PAULA.]
Oh, God.
I'm listening, but I might rest my eyes.
I was reading our new inclusive language guidelines, and it doesn't adequately represent my people.
You mean people who ruin my lunch? No, Latinx.
Latino describes men, and when you use it to describe a group, it leaves out everyone who's not a man.
Wow.
I never thought of it that way, Marisol.
I see where you're coming from.
But I'm not in charge of the Spanish language.
You'll have to take your problems up with Spain.
Trust me, I've already left a scathing takedown on Spain's Yelp page.
- [SIGHS.]
Hey, Paula.
- Oh, gosh.
Can a girl grab a bite of her Lean Cuisine? What do you guys want? One of my students is having a problem with a bully.
"Bully," you say? I did say "bully.
" I did not say "Beetlejuice" three times.
Uh, what is going on with this bully, Gabe? Well, I didn't see much, because I fled to safety, but it involved Lorenzo Webber.
Really? He's so puny.
I'm surprised he could scare anyone.
He's the victim, okay? He's being jittery, anxious, talking nonsense.
So he's being himself.
A-boom! And you're being yourself.
A-bummer! Come on, man, this is serious.
I have zero tolerance for bullies.
Boys with too much testosterone taking out their anger on innocent students.
Who is this punk? Rita Perez.
Wait, a girl is bullying Lorenzo? [LAUGHING.]
That is hilarious.
You don't know what to do either, do you? Rita's tough.
She pushed him up against a wall.
It gave me flashbacks.
And then she pulled him down the hall.
According to the HR pamphlet, the Bad Touch Bear would be frowning.
That bear is such a bummer.
So, we have menacing, intimidation, potential kidnapping.
I can convict her on all these counts.
She's gonna be sorry she ever met me.
We all are.
Heel, Carlos.
A girl bullying a boy? Get out of my office with this mess.
Well, someone should talk to Rita about her language, because I heard her call him negrito.
Negrito? Oh, wait, hell no.
- Negrito? - Paula, look, look, I know what it sounds like, but in reality, that part's not a big deal.
Gabe, who do you think you're talking to? I know a racial slur when I hear one.
Paula, in Spanish, it's not a slur.
Yeah, it's actually a term of endearment.
- Really? What does it mean? - Mm-hmm.
Translate it for me, in English.
Um - Technically? - Literally.
Little blackie.
What?! What? Carlos, you tell Rita Perez she is suspended for violating our inclusive language guidelines and for pissing me the hell off.
Yes! I'll start the proceedings.
I knew today was gonna be a great day.
I do want Rita to stop hassling Lorenzo, but she shouldn't be suspended for using a cute nickname.
Okay? There's thousands of songs on iTunes that have that word in the lyrics.
Here's a lyric: "Mama don't care.
" Not in my house.
I bet there's a couple names I could call you that would make you feel like crap.
Yeah, and if you did that, you'd be a real number 13.
Thirteen? What is 13? Where is that? Thirteen [GABE.]
Bye.
Not on your best day! Hey, Marisol.
Did Principal Madison agree to add your word to the list? You mean my made-up word that will be obsolete before I graduate? Did my face say that? Because I know those words didn't come out of my mouth.
Look, Mr.
Iglesias, I'm not surprised you didn't get it, but I really thought Principal Madison would understand.
But in her defense, she doesn't like me.
So since she didn't go for it, am I kinda off the hook? You know Latino isn't exactly a bad word.
It's exclusive.
Of course, you don't mind gender bias in language because the bias is in your gender's favor.
[SILENTLY MOUTHS.]
Yes.
It's just nice to get a W every once in a while.
[SCOFFS.]
Well, I'm still waiting for mine.
I know the lady that made this.
I can get you one.
I can't believe I sentenced Rita to cruel and unusual punishment: having to hang out with Carlos.
Oh, my God, what if she retaliates? Think I can file a restraining order against a 16-year-old girl? Don't worry, if anybody needs protection, I know Krav Maga.
That's Israeli ninja fighting.
[GRUNTING.]
Shalom.
You are a complicated lady.
[CHUCKLES.]
I just don't feel right about getting Rita kicked out of school.
Aw, Gabert, just go talk to Lorenzo, then you'll see you did the right thing.
I bet he'll be so grateful.
Are you out of your mind? How could you? Look, man, if there's one thing I know about women, it's that they never hold grudges.
I can't even say that with a straight face.
You just ruined my whole life.
Rita doesn't hate me, Mr.
Iglesias, she likes me.
Well, she's gonna have to learn to take no for an answer.
Wh What do you mean, "take no for an answer"? I never said no.
Trying to say yes, just don't know how.
Dude, it looked like she had you hostage.
A hostage of love.
Dang, she even called me negrito.
You know, some people think that negrito is a bad word, but how do you feel about it? Yeah, well, the first time she said it, I was about to call Reverend Al Sharpton, but then Marisol explained what it means, and now I'mma make it my Reddit username.
Okay, I think that name might already be taken.
[SIGHS.]
So what do I do now? Well, you could try negrito1, negrito2, negrito3 No, no, no.
About Rita.
Oh, well, if you like her so much, why don't you let her know? Start liking her photos on Instagram, then slide into her DMs with a selfie like this.
Does that ever work? Once.
Turned out you had to pay, though.
Look, what do you usually do to let a girl know that you're interested in her? I'm sure a smooth guy like you has all the moves.
It's all a front! I am a mess inside, brother.
Do you have any idea how much pressure there is on a young black man to act like he knows how to handle the ladies? Michael B.
Jordan has ruined it for the rest of us.
Mario Lopez did that for my people.
- Just talk to her.
- How? On a prison phone with that glass between us? We can't even touch fingers, man.
You got her kicked out.
Did I say "my bad" for that? Um Okay, look.
I'll work on the suspension, but if Rita were here right now, what would you say to her? I got it.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
"I'm lining all my hoodies with aluminum foil, I'll make one for you, boo.
" She's a girl, not a burrito.
Hey, good to see you caught the bully.
Lorenzo's actually the one being bullied.
[COACH LAUGHS.]
That's great.
Who's the unsung hero making a man out of him? Rita Perez.
Jesus Christ, she's back in school? Look, I'm really sorry about that, Lorenzo.
Just pretend you didn't see any of that, all right? Now Mr.
Ochoa and I are gonna help you figure out how to talk to a lady.
I'll be Lorenzo, Mr.
Iglesias will be Rita.
That's not how I pitched it, but all right.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
What's up, stupid? Tell me you like my eyebrows.
I'll cut you.
Damn, you sound just like her.
Now your turn, fool.
Tell me what you like about me.
Better not be stupid.
Girl, I love how big your feet look in those Tims.
No.
Lorenzo, no.
Look, let me show you how it's done.
[CLEARS THROAT.]
All right, chaparrito, show me what you got.
- Hey.
- Ooh! That's firm.
- All right, stop it.
- Yeah, do you work out? - ¡Ay, Dios mÃo! - Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey, we coulda switched sides, bro, but you wanted to Okay.
Look just look deep into Rita's eyes.
Speak slowly, so she knows it's important.
But make sure whatever you say is a lie.
Whenever you tell a woman the truth, she will find a way to use it against you.
¡Mentiroso! Lorenzo, what are you doing in here? Oh, are you hiding from Rita? I got your back.
What's her fighting style? Is she a grappler or a striker? She's a stabber.
No, she's not.
She's just a girl who doesn't know how to talk to a boy who doesn't know how to talk to a girl.
Abby.
Why don't you give him a woman's perspective? Oh, sure.
Lorenzo, it's simple.
You want to be open but mysterious, strong but vulnerable, big but not afraid to look small, present but not clingy.
Got it? I definitely do not.
But I got why all three of you are single.
Look Rita's having her disciplinary hearing today in Principal Madison's office.
If you wanna help her out, you gotta tell everybody what's really going on.
[SIGHS.]
Man, not only do I have to tell Rita how I feel, but I have to do it in front of a room full of people? Yeah.
Just speak from the heart.
Look, if you open up to her, I'm sure she'll open up to you.
Or as Rita would say, "Don't be stupid, stupid!" Miss Perez [ITEMS CLATTER.]
do you understand the charges against you and your rights in this disciplinary hearing? What, do you think I'm deaf? Like I can't hear you through these monster hoops? Let's cut to the chase.
I want to hear what you have to say for yourself.
[SCOFFS.]
I ain't saying nothing without my lawyer.
He's that guy whose face is on the bus bench.
His number is ocho-ocho-ocho, ocho-ocho-ocho-ocho-ocho, ocho-ocho.
I believe Lorenzo has something to say that might clear things up.
Why do you have to ruin everything? You're worse than Mother! Lorenzo? [CLEARS THROAT.]
Hey, girl.
[CHUCKLES.]
So, I was thinking, right, about how things went down, what could have been, and what still could be.
You know what I'm saying? [GIGGLES.]
You stupid.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah, I agree with that.
If you want to help your girl out, why don't you tell Rita how you feel about her? [SIGHS.]
Look, when you first started stalking me and blowing up my phone, I didn't really know what to do, but I kinda liked it.
And then when you were tackling me and taking my money in the hall, I didn't really say anything, 'cause I didn't want you to stop.
Wrap it up before they send you to counseling.
Okay.
What I'm trying to say is, you don't have to try so hard to get me to pay attention to you, because I like you, Rita, and I'd like to get to know you better.
Me too.
Hey, you know what? Let's go to a swap meet and get all freaky.
Okay, my dad needs a new tarp.
Hey.
Hey.
Bring me back a bag of gasoline.
Okay.
A bag? So, Lorenzo, if you had been honest with Rita in the beginning, none of this would have happened? Uh - Yes, ma'am.
- Uh-huh.
It's the man's fault, as usual.
Men are so stupid, right? Mm-hmm.
Rita, you can go back to class now.
I think you're forgetting something.
[WHISPERS.]
What about the negrito? Uh, I'm I'm fine with her calling me that.
Well, I don't like the word.
It makes me feel bad.
You hear that, kids? I don't care what you call each other in private, as long as you don't use words that could hurt people's feelings.
Now, I'm overdue to apologize to someone.
[CLICKS TONGUE.]
Aw, apology accepted.
Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice! Hey, Marisol.
Can I talk to you for a second? One Hispanic to another? Sure.
I'm inclusive.
Yeah, about that.
So, look, I learned a new word today.
Latin-X or Latinx.
Maybe I learned two words.
I'll take either one.
I can see how the word Latino makes it seem like men are more important, and I can tell you, as a son of a single mom, that's not true.
I'm sorry for taking so long to catch on.
Well, that's okay.
Old people are slow, so [CHUCKLES.]
All right.
Sometimes a teacher needs to get schooled, and now I'm officially woke.
By the way, I'm still okay with Latina.
You and I together, we are Latinx.
So, me by myself, I would be ? Mr.
Iglesias? Yes! Yes! Let's use that.
Yes.
Thank you.
[SIGHS.]
Oh, man.
Oh, that's a lot to take in.
What are you doing? I'm texting Tony.
He still thinks Latinx is a Mexican iPhone.
[THEME MUSIC PLAYING.]