Mr. Sloane (2014) s01e06 Episode Script
Happy New Year, Mr. Sloane (Part 2)
1 'Cause he gets up in the morning And he goes to work at 9:00 And he comes back home at 5:30 Gets the same train every time And he's oh-so-healthy In his body and his mind He's a well-respected man about town Doing the best things so conservatively Hello, Jeremy.
Janet.
- Surprised? - Yeah.
Yes.
I suppose I am, really.
I know I should have called first, but I kept losing my nerve and then Somehow it seemed easier just to show up.
Isn't that funny? (SNIFFS) Yeah.
I suppose so.
- May I come in? - Yes, yeah.
Of course, sorry.
- Would you like some tea? - That would be lovely.
Thank you.
Okay.
If you need to use the toilet, it's just upstairs on the left.
- Yes, I know.
- Of course, yeah.
Of course you do.
Everything looks pretty much as I remember.
Yeah, I didn't really get round to changing much.
Well, change was never your highest priority.
- I suppose not.
- How's everything at the office? The office? Oh That's right, you don't know.
I left the company.
What, you left Lynch and Saunders after all those years? Why? I felt the time was right, you know? I'd given them my all and they'd promised me lots of things in return that never seemed to materialise.
So I just finally put my foot down.
Are you at another accountants? No, no.
I'd had enough of numbers.
There's more to life than adding and subtracting figures.
- Wow.
What do you do now? - I'm a maths teacher.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Great bunch of kids, you know.
Very fulfilling.
They've obviously opened you up to new experiences.
- How's that? - Your records.
The Kinks, Rolling Stones, Jimi Hendrix? It's a far cry from Gilbert and Sullivan.
Yes.
Yeah, I thought it wise to find some common ground musically.
(KETTLE WHISTLING) Excuse me.
What happened to the ceiling in here? (CUTLERY SMASHING) - Oh, dear.
Everything all right? - Yes! Just clumsy old me.
The ceiling? Uh There was a gas leak and the Council came around and knocked a hole in the bloody ceiling to fix it and then left old muggins here to patch up the hole.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) But still, no harm done.
Here's your tea.
(JEREMY SIGHS DEEPLY) So did you ever find yourself? - Well, in a way, yes, I suppose I did.
- That's good.
I always knew this day would come, really.
- Did you? - Yeah.
Just seems inevitable, really.
Don't you think? Well, I'm not sure.
Perhaps you're right.
I guess the real question is, do we go through the expense of a lawyer, or do we find a civilised way to work this out on our own? - A lawyer? - Well, for the divorce.
Oh, Jeremy, I came home to be with you, for us to be together again.
I'm sorry? Leaving was a very difficult thing to do.
And I know I didn't handle it in the best possible way.
But I was at my wits end.
I was so confused.
But I've had over a year to think about it now, and we took an oath, Jeremy.
For better, for worse, till death us do part.
And I don't want to run away from those words any more, I want to embrace them.
I want to work out our problems together.
Talk it through, eye to eye, without any distractions, no interruptions (PHONE RINGS) (PHONE CONTINUES RINGING) One moment.
Watford-0579.
Hi, Jeremy.
It's Robin.
(STAMMERS INCOHERENTLY) Thank you for your call.
That's okay.
Look, I just want to say I'm sorry about last night.
I think I said a lot of things I shouldn't have.
I see.
Listen, do you think that we could maybe get together this afternoon? I'd say based on availability and aside from any unforeseen circumstances, it's a distinct possibility.
Jeremy, why are you talking so weird? Is everything all right? No, no, no.
I'm afraid your concern is misplaced, madam.
Sir.
There's, there's really no problem.
Okay.
Whatever.
Look, I just I'd really like to see you.
I really want to see you too, all right? I'll call you later.
Jeremy, I can't hear you.
Can you speak up? Yes, I agree with you completely on that point.
We'll work out the details when we reconvene.
Goodbye.
(HANGS UP PHONE) Who was that? Wrong number.
Right.
Jeremy, I know what I've just said is a lot to digest.
And I don't expect you to have an answer right away.
If you want to take some time to think it over.
No, I - I don't need time to think it over.
- No? Of course not.
I have been dreaming of this day ever since you left.
And I agree with you about our wedding vows.
"Till death do us part" should mean just that.
So my response to you should be obvious.
Oh, it's such a relief to hear you say that.
Janet, I simply can't take you back.
(STAMMERING) Sorry, what? When you left me, Janet, you didn't just break my heart.
You crushed my soul.
You know, I understand why you left.
I wasn't the most sensitive or attentive of husbands, and I was downright tone deaf to how unhappy you were.
And I apologise for what I put you through.
But, the fact remains, Janet, you walked out on me.
If I hadn't come home early from work that day, I would have discovered that you had left me, in a note.
For a long time I wasn't certain if I wanted to go on living.
(EXHALES) But now, now it's time to make some changes.
It's time to move on and I think what I'm trying to say is that it's time for me to find myself.
I see.
Times will be hard, rain will fall, and you'll feel mighty low.
But the world keeps going 'round.
Is that Gilbert and Sullivan? Ray Davies.
- (ENGINE REVS) - (SIGHS) Oh, for Christ's sake! (SUNSHINE OF YOUR LOVE PLAYING) (GRUNTING) I've been waiting so long Sunshine of your (GRUNTS) Ah! (HUMS) Jeremy? The most amazing thing has just happened.
- Janet came back.
- You're kidding.
She wanted us to get back together.
Just like I always bloody dreamed we would.
Oh, my God.
I was about to say, "Yes.
Yeah, come back.
"We'll pick up where we left off from.
" But then Then the phone rang.
And it was you saying you wanted to see me.
- And I kind of saw it as a sign.
- A sign? Yes.
Kismet or something, you know? I suddenly snapped out of it and I I realised how bloody happy you make me.
I've never danced in the street before.
I've never taken an interest in new music.
I've never even drunk bloody coffee on a weeknight, you know.
But now my future is wide open.
And I want you there with me, Robin.
And you know what? I've got money.
I've been saving money for bloody years.
And do you know for what? I'll tell you for what.
For this moment.
We could get out of Watford, Robin.
The world is our oyster.
Now (EXHALES) I know this is a lot for you to take in, but What do you think about what I've just said? - (TOILET FLUSHES) - Uh Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you have company? Hey, babe, who's there? Um.
Craig, you remember Jeremy from the other night? Jeremy, you remember Craig? Oh, yeah.
The dancing plumber.
(LAUGHS) You're hysterical, man.
(STUTTERS) Thank you.
Craig, would you mind if I just have a minute alone with Jeremy? Yeah, cool.
I'll just be boxing stuff up.
Nice seeing you again, man.
That was kind of awkward, I guess.
What is he boxing up? He's helping me pack my stuff.
We're flying back to San Francisco in the morning.
Oh.
Huh.
But, I mean When did all this happen? That night we ran into Craig at the club? He called me the next day and asked me out for coffee.
I figured it was just coffee, no harm in that.
When we got together he told me his father had cabled him some money so we could both go home.
But that night we were having such a laugh about what a prat he is.
And you told me about London and how he'd treated you, and messing around with other girls.
I mean Am I missing something? Jeremy, it was a vulnerable moment.
I was only sharing one side of him.
He can be very sweet.
You know, he told me how much he missed me and how sorry he was for how he acted.
And that's all it takes? Some bloke can treat you like shit and then he says, "I'm sorry," and you think things will be different? Come on, Jeremy.
Give me a little credit.
I'm not that bad a judge of character.
I met up with you, didn't I? And this is where we end up.
You know, girls talk about being with a nice man, but at the end of the day they will always choose the wanker.
Ha, I'm such an idiot.
I thought we had something, you know? Or at the very least, I thought we were leading up to having something.
(SIGHS) We We had a kiss.
I told you not to fall in love, Jeremy.
Oh, well, thank you for the invaluable life lesson.
Why are you being so mean? I mean, we can still be friends, can't we? No! We can't be friends.
I have friends.
You know what? They don't betray me.
Betray you? You know, I wasn't going to say anything, but there's something I think you should know.
That night when we were all at the pub, when you went to the bathroom, Reggie put his hand on my thigh under the table.
What's that supposed to mean? I'm just telling you what happened.
You figure it out.
Well, I mean, he probably didn't realise it was your thigh, or maybe it just landed there by mistake.
Oh, believe me, it was no mistake.
He squeezed it, then winked at me.
No, no, no, no, no.
I don't want to listen to any more of this, all right? I'm going to go.
So goodbye to you.
Good luck.
I hope your plumbing's all fixed and I hope you and your Bob Dylan wannabe boyfriend have a very happy life together.
Jeremy- (SCOFFS) These were for you.
(SOBBING) I'm sorry.
(EXHALES) Famous last words.
(I'M FREE PLAYING) Fellas, I've got some big news.
I'm leaving What happened to you? (SNIFFS) Nothing.
- Have you been crying? - (SCOFFS) Don't be daft.
Julie can celled the wedding.
Christ, why? She accused me of cheating on her.
Why on earth would she think that? She caught me in bed with the cleaner.
How long have you had a cleaner? About a month now, she comes every Thursday.
- What does she charge? - A few bob a week.
Does she do the windows? Inside, yeah.
Not outside, though.
Jesus.
Reggie, I'm so sorry.
Oh, that's all right.
I can do the outside.
No, no, no.
I meant Julie canceling the wedding.
Oh, yeah.
Life goes on, right? We've all got problems.
I mean, look at poor Beans.
His mum's asked him to move out and find a flat of his own.
What? You're joking! Nah, she got a new fella.
An old boy she met at the bingo club.
Mum says he's just as handy 'round the house as me, except he's not at the pub every night.
- So she wants my room.
- Where are you going to Live? Well, I was thinking, maybe I could come and live with you and pay rent.
- Well - No pressure though, the street's fine.
Look.
I have some bloody big news.
Where's Ross? He's in the toilet.
Listen, don't mention his face.
- Why? - (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) Happy New Year, Sloaney.
My God, what happened to your face? Oh, you noticed? Yeah, fell flat on it stepping off a train.
- I'll be fine.
- JEREMY: Ross, you look terrible.
This looks like the time that bookie sent that bloke to collect your debts.
Yeah, except this time there were two blokes.
- Beans! - Beans! I'm sorry, there were no blokes.
A total of zero blokes.
Ross, do you own money again? Only a bit and I'm just a few days late.
If Ronnie fucking Bird hadn't scored that second goal for Cardiff I'd be swimming in cash right now.
- Mate, you have got a real problem.
- I know.
I keep betting on the wrong team.
(LAUGHS) What's so funny? Well, look at the sorry lot of us.
My Wedding's off.
Beans has got nowhere to live, and you've got thugs looking to rearrange your face.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, hilarious, mate.
All this time we've been taking pity on Sloaney.
Now he's the only one going into the New Year on a high note, and with a girlfriend to boot.
Fellas.
We're going for a ride.
(ALL LAUGHING) We should have done this ages ago! I'll tell you, one more New Year's eve in Watford and I would have gone out of my mind.
- Ah.
- Tomorrow we wake up in London and leave the shit 60s behind us.
I can't believe what it took for us to finally do this.
It's like all this shit was meant to happen.
Yeah, what do they say? One door closes REGGIE: another door opens.
ROSS: another door opens.
Yeah, that can be embarrassing if you've just taken your trousers off.
(LAUGHTER) Yeah, I think we should look for a flat in town and all move in together.
What do you say? The four musketeers? REGGIE: Hey, what about your job? Are you just going to commute every day? Do you know what? Fuck Lynch and Saunders.
I should have left them the day they sacked Sloaney, the cheap bastards.
What's 580 quid to them, anyway? It's fucking lunch money.
(TYRES SCREECHING) - Whoa! - SLoaney! (ALL EXCLAIMING) - What are you doing? - What the hell, Sloaney? - Where did you get that number? - What number? £580? I don't know, you must have mentioned it.
No, no.
I never said a word about it.
Jesus, Sloaney, I'm pissed.
I don't know what I'm saying.
Let me ask you again.
(SCOFFS) Where did you get the figure of £580? Saunders must have mentioned it.
No, Saunders gave me his word he'd never tell a soul what happened.
And he's not a liar.
Saunders discovered a £580 error in my books and assumed I was skimming the accounts.
I wasn't.
But I reckoned it was an error that rendered me unfit for the job, so I left without a fight.
Now the only other person who had access to my original ledgers was my faithful assistant, and pathological gambler, Ross.
Huh? Listen, Sloaney You don't know what serious trouble I was in.
Oh, fuck.
I didn't mean for you to get sacked, mate.
- What? - How was I to know Saunders would find out? You embezzled at a job I got you and you let me take the blame.
And you never said a fucking word! - Jesus, Ross.
- Shut up, Reggie.
You got Sloaney sacked, you piece of shit.
Oh, yeah? Well, at least I never snogged his wife at his own fucking birthday party.
- Shut your mouth.
- Oh, fuck.
- Care to explain that, Reggie? - It was nothing, Sloaney.
You care to explain that, mate? All right, all right.
But let go because you're choking me a bit there.
Can you just Start talking.
It was It was that party when Janet got the cruise tickets and you didn't want to go and she got all upset.
I went to use the bathroom and the bedroom door was open a little bit and I could hear her crying.
So I put my arm around her, to comfort her.
(ROSS SCOFFS) And something almost happened, but it was only for a second.
She stopped it.
We both did, I reckon.
And then she said she had to go.
I swear, Sloaney, that was it.
She said she had to go and a week later, she was gone.
Did you know anything about this? Which? Ross getting you sacked or Reggie snogging your wife? - Either.
- No.
- I think I'd remember that.
- Huh.
Ross, Reggie.
Get out of the car, please.
You've got to be joking.
We're in the middle of fucking nowhere.
(SHOUTS) Out.
- ROSS: Sloaney, for fuck's sake! - Come on Sloaney, be reasonable.
(CHUCKLES) Be reasonable.
I have been reasonable my whole life.
Out! - Get out.
- All right, all right.
Take it easy.
Out.
You do realise this is mental? No, this isn't mental.
I will let you know when I am going mental.
Out.
Beans, you can stay in the car.
That's all right, I don't want to miss this.
So what are you going to do? Leave us here by the side of the road in the pouring fucking rain? If I do, you're getting off very easily.
Look, Sloaney, it wasn't my fault you lost your job.
You should have defended yourself.
- I should have defended myself? - Look.
Obviously I've got a problem.
I mean, look at my face.
Yeah, you're right.
One more bruise isn't going to make a difference.
(ROSS GROANING) All right, Sloane, that's gone far enough.
You can't live in the past, mate.
The past? Huh? Like when you shagged the only girl in school you knew I fancied? - What? - And then you married her, and treated her like shit before dumping her? Nancy? You're still going on about Nancy? What about last year when you made a play for my wife? Just shrug it off, mate.
You've got your American girlfriend now.
What do you care about a meaningless incident with Janet? Meaningless? Huh? Like in the pub the other night, when I went to the toilet and you put your hand on Robin's thigh? Did she say that? If she said that, she's a fucking liar.
Ross, I told you I'd let you know when I've gone mental.
This is me going mental.
Jesus, Sloane, you're going to get us killed.
- Yeah, I might just do that.
- (CAR HONKING) (TYRES SCREECHING) Here's a piece of advice for you, my friend.
If you're walking down the street and you see me coming in the other direction, you better cross to the other side of the road.
Do you understand me? Do you understand me? - Yes, yes! - Yes, yes.
You shit bag.
(GRUNTS) Beans, let's go.
No, it's all right.
I think I'll stay.
- Are you sure? - BEANS: Well You know, someone with brains is going to have to get these idiots home.
Besides, look, there's something I did that I never told you about.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Not you too, Beans.
I don't think I can take it.
Last summer, when we was at your house watching telly, I took an orange from your fruit bowl and never told you.
(LAUGHS) I know you did.
I know you did.
(CHUCKLES) I know you did.
Good boy, Beans.
JEREMY: See you later.
(CAR ENGINE STARTS) (TYRES SQUEALING) Should old acquaintance be forgotten And never brought to mind? Should old acquaintance be forgotten For auld lang syne For auld lang syne, my dear For auld Lang syne We'll take a cup of kindness yet For auld lang syne MRS WYNDHAM: Happy New Year, Mr Sloane!
Janet.
- Surprised? - Yeah.
Yes.
I suppose I am, really.
I know I should have called first, but I kept losing my nerve and then Somehow it seemed easier just to show up.
Isn't that funny? (SNIFFS) Yeah.
I suppose so.
- May I come in? - Yes, yeah.
Of course, sorry.
- Would you like some tea? - That would be lovely.
Thank you.
Okay.
If you need to use the toilet, it's just upstairs on the left.
- Yes, I know.
- Of course, yeah.
Of course you do.
Everything looks pretty much as I remember.
Yeah, I didn't really get round to changing much.
Well, change was never your highest priority.
- I suppose not.
- How's everything at the office? The office? Oh That's right, you don't know.
I left the company.
What, you left Lynch and Saunders after all those years? Why? I felt the time was right, you know? I'd given them my all and they'd promised me lots of things in return that never seemed to materialise.
So I just finally put my foot down.
Are you at another accountants? No, no.
I'd had enough of numbers.
There's more to life than adding and subtracting figures.
- Wow.
What do you do now? - I'm a maths teacher.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Great bunch of kids, you know.
Very fulfilling.
They've obviously opened you up to new experiences.
- How's that? - Your records.
The Kinks, Rolling Stones, Jimi Hendrix? It's a far cry from Gilbert and Sullivan.
Yes.
Yeah, I thought it wise to find some common ground musically.
(KETTLE WHISTLING) Excuse me.
What happened to the ceiling in here? (CUTLERY SMASHING) - Oh, dear.
Everything all right? - Yes! Just clumsy old me.
The ceiling? Uh There was a gas leak and the Council came around and knocked a hole in the bloody ceiling to fix it and then left old muggins here to patch up the hole.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) But still, no harm done.
Here's your tea.
(JEREMY SIGHS DEEPLY) So did you ever find yourself? - Well, in a way, yes, I suppose I did.
- That's good.
I always knew this day would come, really.
- Did you? - Yeah.
Just seems inevitable, really.
Don't you think? Well, I'm not sure.
Perhaps you're right.
I guess the real question is, do we go through the expense of a lawyer, or do we find a civilised way to work this out on our own? - A lawyer? - Well, for the divorce.
Oh, Jeremy, I came home to be with you, for us to be together again.
I'm sorry? Leaving was a very difficult thing to do.
And I know I didn't handle it in the best possible way.
But I was at my wits end.
I was so confused.
But I've had over a year to think about it now, and we took an oath, Jeremy.
For better, for worse, till death us do part.
And I don't want to run away from those words any more, I want to embrace them.
I want to work out our problems together.
Talk it through, eye to eye, without any distractions, no interruptions (PHONE RINGS) (PHONE CONTINUES RINGING) One moment.
Watford-0579.
Hi, Jeremy.
It's Robin.
(STAMMERS INCOHERENTLY) Thank you for your call.
That's okay.
Look, I just want to say I'm sorry about last night.
I think I said a lot of things I shouldn't have.
I see.
Listen, do you think that we could maybe get together this afternoon? I'd say based on availability and aside from any unforeseen circumstances, it's a distinct possibility.
Jeremy, why are you talking so weird? Is everything all right? No, no, no.
I'm afraid your concern is misplaced, madam.
Sir.
There's, there's really no problem.
Okay.
Whatever.
Look, I just I'd really like to see you.
I really want to see you too, all right? I'll call you later.
Jeremy, I can't hear you.
Can you speak up? Yes, I agree with you completely on that point.
We'll work out the details when we reconvene.
Goodbye.
(HANGS UP PHONE) Who was that? Wrong number.
Right.
Jeremy, I know what I've just said is a lot to digest.
And I don't expect you to have an answer right away.
If you want to take some time to think it over.
No, I - I don't need time to think it over.
- No? Of course not.
I have been dreaming of this day ever since you left.
And I agree with you about our wedding vows.
"Till death do us part" should mean just that.
So my response to you should be obvious.
Oh, it's such a relief to hear you say that.
Janet, I simply can't take you back.
(STAMMERING) Sorry, what? When you left me, Janet, you didn't just break my heart.
You crushed my soul.
You know, I understand why you left.
I wasn't the most sensitive or attentive of husbands, and I was downright tone deaf to how unhappy you were.
And I apologise for what I put you through.
But, the fact remains, Janet, you walked out on me.
If I hadn't come home early from work that day, I would have discovered that you had left me, in a note.
For a long time I wasn't certain if I wanted to go on living.
(EXHALES) But now, now it's time to make some changes.
It's time to move on and I think what I'm trying to say is that it's time for me to find myself.
I see.
Times will be hard, rain will fall, and you'll feel mighty low.
But the world keeps going 'round.
Is that Gilbert and Sullivan? Ray Davies.
- (ENGINE REVS) - (SIGHS) Oh, for Christ's sake! (SUNSHINE OF YOUR LOVE PLAYING) (GRUNTING) I've been waiting so long Sunshine of your (GRUNTS) Ah! (HUMS) Jeremy? The most amazing thing has just happened.
- Janet came back.
- You're kidding.
She wanted us to get back together.
Just like I always bloody dreamed we would.
Oh, my God.
I was about to say, "Yes.
Yeah, come back.
"We'll pick up where we left off from.
" But then Then the phone rang.
And it was you saying you wanted to see me.
- And I kind of saw it as a sign.
- A sign? Yes.
Kismet or something, you know? I suddenly snapped out of it and I I realised how bloody happy you make me.
I've never danced in the street before.
I've never taken an interest in new music.
I've never even drunk bloody coffee on a weeknight, you know.
But now my future is wide open.
And I want you there with me, Robin.
And you know what? I've got money.
I've been saving money for bloody years.
And do you know for what? I'll tell you for what.
For this moment.
We could get out of Watford, Robin.
The world is our oyster.
Now (EXHALES) I know this is a lot for you to take in, but What do you think about what I've just said? - (TOILET FLUSHES) - Uh Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you have company? Hey, babe, who's there? Um.
Craig, you remember Jeremy from the other night? Jeremy, you remember Craig? Oh, yeah.
The dancing plumber.
(LAUGHS) You're hysterical, man.
(STUTTERS) Thank you.
Craig, would you mind if I just have a minute alone with Jeremy? Yeah, cool.
I'll just be boxing stuff up.
Nice seeing you again, man.
That was kind of awkward, I guess.
What is he boxing up? He's helping me pack my stuff.
We're flying back to San Francisco in the morning.
Oh.
Huh.
But, I mean When did all this happen? That night we ran into Craig at the club? He called me the next day and asked me out for coffee.
I figured it was just coffee, no harm in that.
When we got together he told me his father had cabled him some money so we could both go home.
But that night we were having such a laugh about what a prat he is.
And you told me about London and how he'd treated you, and messing around with other girls.
I mean Am I missing something? Jeremy, it was a vulnerable moment.
I was only sharing one side of him.
He can be very sweet.
You know, he told me how much he missed me and how sorry he was for how he acted.
And that's all it takes? Some bloke can treat you like shit and then he says, "I'm sorry," and you think things will be different? Come on, Jeremy.
Give me a little credit.
I'm not that bad a judge of character.
I met up with you, didn't I? And this is where we end up.
You know, girls talk about being with a nice man, but at the end of the day they will always choose the wanker.
Ha, I'm such an idiot.
I thought we had something, you know? Or at the very least, I thought we were leading up to having something.
(SIGHS) We We had a kiss.
I told you not to fall in love, Jeremy.
Oh, well, thank you for the invaluable life lesson.
Why are you being so mean? I mean, we can still be friends, can't we? No! We can't be friends.
I have friends.
You know what? They don't betray me.
Betray you? You know, I wasn't going to say anything, but there's something I think you should know.
That night when we were all at the pub, when you went to the bathroom, Reggie put his hand on my thigh under the table.
What's that supposed to mean? I'm just telling you what happened.
You figure it out.
Well, I mean, he probably didn't realise it was your thigh, or maybe it just landed there by mistake.
Oh, believe me, it was no mistake.
He squeezed it, then winked at me.
No, no, no, no, no.
I don't want to listen to any more of this, all right? I'm going to go.
So goodbye to you.
Good luck.
I hope your plumbing's all fixed and I hope you and your Bob Dylan wannabe boyfriend have a very happy life together.
Jeremy- (SCOFFS) These were for you.
(SOBBING) I'm sorry.
(EXHALES) Famous last words.
(I'M FREE PLAYING) Fellas, I've got some big news.
I'm leaving What happened to you? (SNIFFS) Nothing.
- Have you been crying? - (SCOFFS) Don't be daft.
Julie can celled the wedding.
Christ, why? She accused me of cheating on her.
Why on earth would she think that? She caught me in bed with the cleaner.
How long have you had a cleaner? About a month now, she comes every Thursday.
- What does she charge? - A few bob a week.
Does she do the windows? Inside, yeah.
Not outside, though.
Jesus.
Reggie, I'm so sorry.
Oh, that's all right.
I can do the outside.
No, no, no.
I meant Julie canceling the wedding.
Oh, yeah.
Life goes on, right? We've all got problems.
I mean, look at poor Beans.
His mum's asked him to move out and find a flat of his own.
What? You're joking! Nah, she got a new fella.
An old boy she met at the bingo club.
Mum says he's just as handy 'round the house as me, except he's not at the pub every night.
- So she wants my room.
- Where are you going to Live? Well, I was thinking, maybe I could come and live with you and pay rent.
- Well - No pressure though, the street's fine.
Look.
I have some bloody big news.
Where's Ross? He's in the toilet.
Listen, don't mention his face.
- Why? - (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING) Happy New Year, Sloaney.
My God, what happened to your face? Oh, you noticed? Yeah, fell flat on it stepping off a train.
- I'll be fine.
- JEREMY: Ross, you look terrible.
This looks like the time that bookie sent that bloke to collect your debts.
Yeah, except this time there were two blokes.
- Beans! - Beans! I'm sorry, there were no blokes.
A total of zero blokes.
Ross, do you own money again? Only a bit and I'm just a few days late.
If Ronnie fucking Bird hadn't scored that second goal for Cardiff I'd be swimming in cash right now.
- Mate, you have got a real problem.
- I know.
I keep betting on the wrong team.
(LAUGHS) What's so funny? Well, look at the sorry lot of us.
My Wedding's off.
Beans has got nowhere to live, and you've got thugs looking to rearrange your face.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, hilarious, mate.
All this time we've been taking pity on Sloaney.
Now he's the only one going into the New Year on a high note, and with a girlfriend to boot.
Fellas.
We're going for a ride.
(ALL LAUGHING) We should have done this ages ago! I'll tell you, one more New Year's eve in Watford and I would have gone out of my mind.
- Ah.
- Tomorrow we wake up in London and leave the shit 60s behind us.
I can't believe what it took for us to finally do this.
It's like all this shit was meant to happen.
Yeah, what do they say? One door closes REGGIE: another door opens.
ROSS: another door opens.
Yeah, that can be embarrassing if you've just taken your trousers off.
(LAUGHTER) Yeah, I think we should look for a flat in town and all move in together.
What do you say? The four musketeers? REGGIE: Hey, what about your job? Are you just going to commute every day? Do you know what? Fuck Lynch and Saunders.
I should have left them the day they sacked Sloaney, the cheap bastards.
What's 580 quid to them, anyway? It's fucking lunch money.
(TYRES SCREECHING) - Whoa! - SLoaney! (ALL EXCLAIMING) - What are you doing? - What the hell, Sloaney? - Where did you get that number? - What number? £580? I don't know, you must have mentioned it.
No, no.
I never said a word about it.
Jesus, Sloaney, I'm pissed.
I don't know what I'm saying.
Let me ask you again.
(SCOFFS) Where did you get the figure of £580? Saunders must have mentioned it.
No, Saunders gave me his word he'd never tell a soul what happened.
And he's not a liar.
Saunders discovered a £580 error in my books and assumed I was skimming the accounts.
I wasn't.
But I reckoned it was an error that rendered me unfit for the job, so I left without a fight.
Now the only other person who had access to my original ledgers was my faithful assistant, and pathological gambler, Ross.
Huh? Listen, Sloaney You don't know what serious trouble I was in.
Oh, fuck.
I didn't mean for you to get sacked, mate.
- What? - How was I to know Saunders would find out? You embezzled at a job I got you and you let me take the blame.
And you never said a fucking word! - Jesus, Ross.
- Shut up, Reggie.
You got Sloaney sacked, you piece of shit.
Oh, yeah? Well, at least I never snogged his wife at his own fucking birthday party.
- Shut your mouth.
- Oh, fuck.
- Care to explain that, Reggie? - It was nothing, Sloaney.
You care to explain that, mate? All right, all right.
But let go because you're choking me a bit there.
Can you just Start talking.
It was It was that party when Janet got the cruise tickets and you didn't want to go and she got all upset.
I went to use the bathroom and the bedroom door was open a little bit and I could hear her crying.
So I put my arm around her, to comfort her.
(ROSS SCOFFS) And something almost happened, but it was only for a second.
She stopped it.
We both did, I reckon.
And then she said she had to go.
I swear, Sloaney, that was it.
She said she had to go and a week later, she was gone.
Did you know anything about this? Which? Ross getting you sacked or Reggie snogging your wife? - Either.
- No.
- I think I'd remember that.
- Huh.
Ross, Reggie.
Get out of the car, please.
You've got to be joking.
We're in the middle of fucking nowhere.
(SHOUTS) Out.
- ROSS: Sloaney, for fuck's sake! - Come on Sloaney, be reasonable.
(CHUCKLES) Be reasonable.
I have been reasonable my whole life.
Out! - Get out.
- All right, all right.
Take it easy.
Out.
You do realise this is mental? No, this isn't mental.
I will let you know when I am going mental.
Out.
Beans, you can stay in the car.
That's all right, I don't want to miss this.
So what are you going to do? Leave us here by the side of the road in the pouring fucking rain? If I do, you're getting off very easily.
Look, Sloaney, it wasn't my fault you lost your job.
You should have defended yourself.
- I should have defended myself? - Look.
Obviously I've got a problem.
I mean, look at my face.
Yeah, you're right.
One more bruise isn't going to make a difference.
(ROSS GROANING) All right, Sloane, that's gone far enough.
You can't live in the past, mate.
The past? Huh? Like when you shagged the only girl in school you knew I fancied? - What? - And then you married her, and treated her like shit before dumping her? Nancy? You're still going on about Nancy? What about last year when you made a play for my wife? Just shrug it off, mate.
You've got your American girlfriend now.
What do you care about a meaningless incident with Janet? Meaningless? Huh? Like in the pub the other night, when I went to the toilet and you put your hand on Robin's thigh? Did she say that? If she said that, she's a fucking liar.
Ross, I told you I'd let you know when I've gone mental.
This is me going mental.
Jesus, Sloane, you're going to get us killed.
- Yeah, I might just do that.
- (CAR HONKING) (TYRES SCREECHING) Here's a piece of advice for you, my friend.
If you're walking down the street and you see me coming in the other direction, you better cross to the other side of the road.
Do you understand me? Do you understand me? - Yes, yes! - Yes, yes.
You shit bag.
(GRUNTS) Beans, let's go.
No, it's all right.
I think I'll stay.
- Are you sure? - BEANS: Well You know, someone with brains is going to have to get these idiots home.
Besides, look, there's something I did that I never told you about.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Not you too, Beans.
I don't think I can take it.
Last summer, when we was at your house watching telly, I took an orange from your fruit bowl and never told you.
(LAUGHS) I know you did.
I know you did.
(CHUCKLES) I know you did.
Good boy, Beans.
JEREMY: See you later.
(CAR ENGINE STARTS) (TYRES SQUEALING) Should old acquaintance be forgotten And never brought to mind? Should old acquaintance be forgotten For auld lang syne For auld lang syne, my dear For auld Lang syne We'll take a cup of kindness yet For auld lang syne MRS WYNDHAM: Happy New Year, Mr Sloane!