Mr Sunshine s01e06 Episode Script

Say what you will about the Unites States of America, but we put a man on the moon, and women play football in their underwear.
We put a man on the moon? That is awesome.
You know, I often wonder why we talk at all.
Ben.
Jessie! Jessie, hi.
Roman, this is Jessie.
Jessie is the star quarterback of our arch rivals, the Seattle Mist.
We've managed to put that rivalry behind us three times.
Well, two and a half times, but I've rounded up.
Hi, Roman.
Hunhwa.
Roman says, "it's nice to meet you.
" He also says, "hunhwa.
" So, Jessie, you wanna hang out after the game? You know, a little rubdown, hit the showers, tape each other up? Have a drink? Whoa, slow down.
Okay.
One drink.
Bye, Ben.
Hmm.
See that? She's gonna put her helmet on and then play football for our enjoyment.
Is this a great country or what? Hey, how do you just talk to a woman like that? Well, first of all, it helps to use actual words.
Yeah, I wish I could tell Heather how I feel.
I just get so scared.
Well, that's a healthy fear, Roman.
She's tried to kill people.
She's layered.
She is just so layered.
Yeah.
So here we are, guys the best suite in the house.
Got your full bar, a 50-inch flat screen, wireless Internet, courtesy of something you guys probably invented when you were 12.
Jimmy, check out the 1080p/24.
That's hilarious.
Yeah, pinch me.
We're in the future.
So if you guys want burgers, popcorn, candy, it is all on the house.
Really? It's all free? Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
I just made another million dollars, but free nut clusters Uh-huh.
Uh, hey.
Hey.
Who are those jerks? Uh, the Wagner brothers.
And they're not jerks.
They're dot-com billionaire jerks.
I'm trying to get them to donate a pile of dough to build a children's center.
Oh.
You want some help? I'm pretty good at closing deals.
And you did a great job with the jolly pretzel negotiations, baby, but charity isn't sales.
I know, but I can appreciate it, but I got this.
Let daddy drive the bus.
Let who drive the what? What? Whoa! Who ordered hottie with extra sexy? I just made another million Or my mom is texting me again.
Well Good luck with that, daddy.
Steps around, and then gets the ball out I'm still driving the bus.
Crystal, I got your urgent text.
What can I do for you? Look at my face, Benjamin.
Okay.
Can you tell my expression is oddly pensive? Sure.
We're gonna need to pull an all-nighter.
Oh, I can't.
I can't.
I'm having meaningless sex with a quarterback tonight.
I've gotta prepare.
I've gotta get some tape and basically, I just have to get some tape.
Well, I'm very sorry, but I'm being audited, and I'm told that's very ririous.
I innocently mixed some of my personal expenses with the arena's expenses.
I could lose everything.
I'll order pies.
I don't want pies.
You have to help, Benjamin.
You can have sex with that man some other time.
It's a woman.
It's a woman quarterback.
Don't we have a ton of accountants? Who are all those bald people upstairs who never say hello? Our hairless accountants are excellent.
The problem is, they have a very strict legal sense of the law.
We just have to go through these statements.
Well, I can't.
I can't.
I-I can't do it.
I think it's so funny that you think this is a request.
You're like a cute little button.
A button on top of a bunch of other little buttons.
Sit down! Touchdown Seattle, and Jessie Carver celebrates with her signature and provocative end zone pole dance.
Hunhwa.
Ohh.
Mr.
sunshine yay Here's a big-ticket item that has me a little confused.
In 1997, you purchased Ecuador? It's a long story.
I briefly dated a man named Marcos.
Put it under "travel.
" - Benjamin, are you comfortable here? - I think you know that I'm not.
You're right.
Let's move into my secret back office.
Oh, God.
No.
You know you've always wanted to see it.
No, I specifically told you I never wanted to see it.
I don't want the staff to know we're in jeopardy.
We need to protect them.
I'm staff.
Protect me.
Come, Benjamin.
Enter my special world.
Does that open the door? No.
I'm sorry.
This is just so much to be frightened of all at the same time.
This is good.
We'll get more work done here.
Benjamin, have you ever loved and lost? Is that the men's locker room? I come back here to meditate, get at peace with myself.
I think there's something bothering you besides the audit.
No, just the audit you know, tax forms, acquisition indebtedness, capital expenditure.
Am I gonna die alone? I don't know.
What's the longest amount of time I could leave for? Ten minutes.
I'll see you in ten minutes.
Great.
I'll put on a pot of rum.
What's up? I'm writing to Franklin, my pen pal in San Quentin.
He shot a young nurse.
Mm.
Is that one of Alonzo's charity things? Nope.
Just for fun.
I look for convicts in the Metro section and write to the ones with the sweetest eyes.
Or eye.
Roman, I need you.
Oh! Say hi to Franklin for me.
Okay, I'm stuck with your mom, but I'm gonna figure out a way to escape.
Now if Jessie shows up here before I do, just keep her here.
Will she expect sex from me? No, and this is very important do not expect sex from her.
Got it.
No sex.
Just entertain her somehow.
Oh, maybe magic tricks or impressions? Yododo any magic tricks? No.
Do you know any impressions? No.
Just keep her here.
No.
Yes.
It says here under "entertainment expenses" that you bought a cheetah.
Yes.
It was fun at first.
Now I never use it.
I'm glad you're here, Ben.
This is helping.
Let's play all the old songs.
All of them? Touchdown! Is this great, fellas, or what? There's lolot of pretty girls out there.
Yeah, you know where there aren't a lot of pretty girls? In here.
I'm bored.
They told us we'd be hanging out with an nba star.
That's me.
I played in the NBA.
Yeah, I think it was the "star" part we were questioning.
Well, I had a couple good years.
You have a ralphs club card on your key chain.
Hey, I played with Charles Barkley.
The fat guy from the phone commercials? All right, listen, thanks.
This has been a blast adolpho Alonzo.
Fun little room, but we're gonna jet up to L.
A.
and see what Ashton Kutcher's up to.
Hey, where are you guys going? Alonzo has some people that really want to meet you.
We're done with our series "a" investment.
Have him call our CFO.
All right, but Jade and Brandi are gonna be really disappointed.
Sorry, girls.
What are you doing? Mama's driving the bus.
Kutcher is kind of a tool, right? Wanna see how long I can hold my breath? Oh, I'm good.
That's it.
Ohh.
When's Ben getting here? This pie is not making me feel better.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have eaten the last three with a shoehorn.
I thought I'd find a prize inside.
You know how they have prizes in pies? That's not a thing, Crystal.
Well, it should be.
Now there's a moneymaker.
Speaking of money, I've been going through these statements, and I've noticed some of the more questionable items the cheetah, the stunt plane, Ross Perot's cord blood good-bye, Lupus.
Yes.
My point is that I'm noticing a pattern.
All the more expensive items were all bought on the same date today's date.
That's not a pattern.
That's just something that happens year after year on the same date.
Today you bought a motorcycle.
What's going on? What is the thing about tonight? I don't have to answer that.
You do if you want me to stay here.
Let's play the old songs.
Okay, if you'll excuse me, I have a date with a star quarterback, who, I'll remind you, is a woman.
There's no audit.
I buy these things to distract myself, but it never works.
Today's my wedding anniversary.
Which one? You've been married six times.
Only five of them were consummated sexually, if you need to know.
I don't need to know almost all of this.
I'm talking about my third husband Billy.
We were so happy together, and then one day I turned around, and he was gone.
It ended so suddenly.
I never saw him again.
Now I guess I never will.
Is he dead? In a way.
He lives in oceanside.
I hear he hangs out in a bar not too far from here.
Our bar.
Great fries.
They're French.
I've tried to stop by there many times over the years, but I never got up the nerve.
Please stay with me, Benjamin.
I-I don't want to be alone.
I don't have anybody else.
Ohh.
The quarterback sent me a picture.
She's so Smart.
I'll be right back.
Jessie, I am so sorry.
Oh.
My boss threw some last-minute stuff at me.
Just give me one more hour, and I promise, I will make this a night you will always remember.
If the sex doesn't do it, we can steal a car or blow something up, but we will remember this night.
You've got one hour, Ben Donovan, and then I'm outta here.
Oh, and, Ben Wow.
In mine or in yours? You know what? Don't answer that.
Let's keep this romantic.
You have to keep her here.
Yeah.
Hey, I realized I do a pretty good Robert De Niro.
I'll just keep her here.
Yeah.
Okay, we're going to the bar where Billy hangs out.
No, Benjamin! I can't do that.
Yes, you can.
You have to confront him and get answers to all the unanswered questions that you two have together.
That way, you'll never have to spend another night like this again.
And nsnsequently, neither will I.
And we have to get all of that done in I need closure.
I have to have closure.
Let's go.
We'll take my car.
I'll drive.
Oh, I don't think that's a good idea.
You seem emotionally unstable.
You're right.
Let's take my hog.
You just slapped me.
You just slapped me in the face.
How are you feeling? Emotionally unstable.
All right.
Blue, 42! Hut.
Hut.
Hike! Lingerie football is not the same.
Since the league expanded, I don't even know who to root for anymore.
Yeah, I guess we've all got problems.
I don't think I could name half the lineup for the Miami Caliente.
I don't want to be talking to you anymore.
Yeah, okay.
Y-you know, guys, uh, if we don't get that funding, then we won't be able to build the center.
Okay, first down! Huddle up! Huddle up! And if they don't have the center, the children will have nowhere to go after school.
Their mothers will lose their jobs.
Some of those kids will join gangs and carjack you.
Time-out! Will you please take it easy? You made poor Jade cry.
Oh, I'm the jerk? Those guys already made an iPhone app about me called "alonzo sucks.
" Ohh.
It's actually kinda fun.
What are you doing? I could've gotten drunk and done body shots with 'em.
Will you chill out? Have a drink.
That's apple juice.
welcome to wherever you are It's only apple juice.
Oh, now you want to talk? There he is.
The the guy with the guitar? Oh, we had a great band together.
Wait.
You were in a band? We were like Ike and Tina Turner, but without the edge and with none of the hitting.
I see.
Oh.
Billy, Crystal and friends.
That well-placed comma saved us a lot of lawsuits.
Oh, look, he's taking a break.
You can do this.
Oh.
What are you doing? I have a life, too.
I thought you were talking to Billy.
Well, I couldn't do it.
Well, you have to do it.
You have to do it right now.
You have to confront him for leaving you.
Leaving me? Billy didn't leave me.
I left him.
You said, you turned around, and he was gone.
No, I left the bar with another man one night, and Billy chased after our car for a few blocks, but eventually, I turned around, and he was gone.
I've mentioned to you that I could be sleeping with a lingerie football player right now, right? It was the classic story.
Our career was just taking off, when one night, Maurice Cohen, owner of the sunshine center, walked in.
Sure, he was fat and old, and, okay, he couldn't really walk, per se, but he tipped me 1,000 bucks, and I jumped in the back of his town car, took a hit off his oxygen tank, and never looked back.
Cute meet.
My insatiable need for wealth and success made me walk away fr the one true love of my life.
That's why this night is so hard for me.
That's why I have this weird feeling.
What weird feeling? I don't know if there's a name for it.
You know that crazy feeling some people get when they don't approve of their own behavior? Shame? (Sighs) Yes.
That's it.
"Shame," as you call it.
Well, I have to say, I've never seen Crystal Cohen ashamed before, and I once saw you shoot a dolphin.
I was defending my yacht.
What, I'm supposed to give the animal a pass because he's beloved by little children and fat secretaries? Look at him, still singing in the same old dive after all these years.
It's so sad.
Oh, my God, Jessie.
Oh, just go back to your strumpet.
I'll be all right.
Damn it, Crystal! I'm staying with you! Well, you don't have to yell at me.
Yes, I do! Ben, go! This isn't your job! I'm not staying as your employee! I'm staying as your friend! Thank you, Benjamin.
Well, you're very welcome! It's really my pleasure! Okay.
I'm running out of time.
Please don't make me take another picture.
There's really no other place to go.
Talent's not allowed in the executive offices.
I was invited, sweetie.
Oh.
Well, in that case, I'll leave you two alone.
I heard from Franklin.
He sent me a really sweet letter and the pp of his cell mate's finger.
No reason.
Just 'cause.
Someone's got a crush on someone.
I know, and how am I supposed to compete with that? I can't cut off a man's finger.
Franklin is too romantic.
Not Franklin.
She's totally into you.
Oh, no.
Did you see her? She looked like she wanted to kill me.
Yeah, she looks at everyone that way.
Believe me, she digs you.
You could totally have her.
Really? Yeah.
I'd love to get her.
I just I don't know how.
Easy.
Flash a wad of cash, fill her up with some Malibu rum, tell her you're already dating somebody, and then boom! Oh.
I didn't mean "get her" like that.
Jeez.
I meant, uh, get her to have lunch with me, get her to rely on me to be there for her.
Uh, to get her to do any more without that, it just seems kinda empty.
I mean, don't ya think? You should tell her that.
Ohh.
I don't have the nerve.
Turn around.
Oh, Roman.
Heather.
Ohh.
I have made so many bad choices in my life.
Okay, okay.
Who's got the next round? I got it.
Whoa.
Younger brother's buying, huh? That's not how it usually works in my family.
Hey, Alonzo, you should work on Jimmy for the new center.
He's the one with the Money! Uh, I have more money than he does.
O y yeah? Well, how much are you donating to the center? W $100,000.
Wow.
Jimmy, you gonna put up with your older brother showboating like that? Pfft.
Typical older brother crap, right? He's the big man, the one in charge.
$200,000! $500,000! $750,000.
$800,000! $900,000.
Have I ever told you I love you? A million.
Yeah, but it's nice to hear.
$1.
3 million! $1.
5 million! All right! Boys, boys, boys.
That's enough.
Let's put a stop to this right now.
Jimmy wins.
What? No.
$2 million! Hike me the nuts! I ruined his life.
What can I say to him? Well, just tell him you're sorry.
Tell him how much he meant to you.
Oh, it's too complicated.
Maybe I can help.
No.
Oh! No, no, no, no, no.
Benjamin! Hi.
Hi.
Do you do you take requests? No, but I have one.
Uh, could you take your money out of my drink? Oh.
Yeah.
Oh.
No, no, no, no! Okay.
Come on.
Here we go.
You can do this.
No! Benjamin! I can't! Yes, you can.
No, I can't! Come on.
Get on stage.
Go, go.
I (Sighs) I I I I've been so many places in my life and time sung a lot of songs I've made some bad rhymes I've acted out my life on stages with 10,000 people watching but we're alone now and I'm just singing this song for you I know your image of me is all I hope to be I treated you unkindly but, Billy, can't you see there's no one more important to me? darlin', can't you please see through me? we were alone and we were alone and I was singing this song for you That's my boss.
Shh.
Okay.
I love you in a place where there's no space or time I love you for my life you are a friend of mine And when my life is over remember when we were together we were alone we were alone and I was singing this song for you we were all alone we were alone and I was singing this song for you Can you ever forgive me? I've been fine since you left.
Oh, you're so brave.
No, seriously.
I got some of my best songs out of that heartbreak.
So you're doing well? Spectacular.
I own this place now.
Wow.
That's great.
Yep.
It's great.
Losing you was the best thing that ever happened to me.
I'm just saying, I'm happy now, Crystal.
Uh-huh.
I'm really, really happy.
Yeah.
Yeah, I understand.
I haven't had a lonely night or a bad day since.
I get it.
Hey, I want you to meet my wife Tammy.
I'd like to punch you in your fat face right about now.
Okay, well, I think we have some closure.
How about that? Would you like that? You like that? Why don't you get offstage? You like tha get offstage.
Do you know any Cat Stevens? Oh, man.
How are you feeling? Oddly at peace.
I feel like I could die right now.
I made it.
I'm leaving.
What? No! Why? Roman taught me something tonight, Ben.
Well, that doesn't seem remotely possible.
Sex means nothing without love.
Love?! How did that come up? He was just supposed to babysit you sit wi y you.
I'm sorry.
I'm just I'm not the woman that I thought I was.
Of course you are.
You're this woman right here And here and oh, God! Don't look at that.
Good night, Ben.
What the hell is that? What did you do? - What? - Jessie, you gave her self esteem.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.
Haha squidward Ben, you're killing me right now.