Mrs Brown's Boys (2011) s01e06 Episode Script

This programme contains strong language Ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys! She's Mrs Brown That's Mrs Brown Our Mrs Brown.
Come along, Granddad.
Hello? All right, Granddad, you take your time now.
Are you too warm? Yes.
Right then, let's get this jacket and jumper off.
Ah, that's better! Na! Morning Mrs Brown.
Good morning, Lord.
Are you all right? Just struggling a bit! Lift your left arm.
A bit more.
That's it.
Now lean forward.
Now the other arm.
Lean forward a bit more.
Did you want something, Lord? No, just bringing Granddad home.
Well, it's about fecking time.
I mean, the Lord's will be done.
I'll be with YOU in a minute! But I-I've barely lived.
Show a shred of human decency! Mammy? Don't interrupt the fecking picture! Please, please, let me stay a little longer.
Please.
Please! Hello, Father Quinn.
Hello, Cathy.
Shit! There's shit on the floor! Shit! Let me get that, Father.
Come on, Granddad, let's get you upstairs for a nap.
I'm just dropping Granddad back from the funeral.
Why? What did he do? Granddad? Well, he didn't do anything.
I was passing here anyway so I just thought I'd drop him off.
Ah right, well you probably haven't time for a cuppa.
No, thank you.
No, I've got this! Father Quinn! Drinking during the day? Are you all right? No, Mrs Brown, I am not all right! Father, I didn't say sit down.
I just buried Mr Jones this morning.
I promised him heaven but what if there is no heaven? He's just buried? I wouldn't worry about him coming back to complain, Father! Mrs Brown, I'm losing my faith.
You're about to lose your fecking hand now if you don't let go! I'm sorry, Mrs Brown.
I'm just afraid.
Soon I won't have a flock! I don't think you're allowed, Father.
I think it's against the rules.
Mrs Brown, have they called here? Have they? Who? Have who called? The Missionaries, from the Church of Latter Day Saints.
Nobody's called here, Father.
You know, they have converted four families in the last six months.
Well, wait a minute, Father, these missionaries, do they believe in God? Well, Yes.
Well, then what's the problem? We're all on the same bus, who gives a shite who the driver is? I give a shite! Father, you watch your fucking language in this house! Now, Father, look, what you need to do, you need to get into your car and drive home! Father, these things are sent to test us.
Do you think so? Oh, yes! Come on.
Now look, Father, what you need to do is, well, just keep the faith.
The faith! The faith! Yes, the faith.
But, just in case, drive carefully.
Father, would you not be better in the front seat? Well, my God, what do you make of that? I suppose it's hard for religion nowadays.
The older generations are dying off and the youngsters just don't seem to have any fecking interest.
It's hard for God to compete with, you know, fecking World Of Warcraft! Would anybody hear God's message nowadays unless he sends it by fecking text! It was Father Quinn who helped my son, Trevor, when he wanted to go away on the missions.
He's in Africa now.
Oh, the Chinese love him! Father Quinn looked awful! He thinks he's losing his faith.
I think he's losing his booking marbles! Knob fell off, just like me husband! Hiya, Mammy! Jesus, you're not talking as well! Oh, hello, love, do you want a cup of tea? Yes, please! What's up? CRASHING Ken's after knocking the fucking wall down again.
Oh, the fecking washing machine's clapped out! I'll have to get Mark down to look at it.
All Granddad's clothes are stuck in it.
Granddad, you'll have to wait! No, not there.
Come on, up to your room and play with your yo-yo.
He lost the string, it's only a YO now! I won't be home later, Mammy.
I'm meeting Mick.
Oh, Mick has been around longer than any other boyfriend, Cathy.
You like him, don't you? You like him a lot! Could be the one! A Brown dating a policeman! Who'd have thought? Good for you! Is there tea going? Ah, here's the newlyweds! Do you want tea? No, I'm late for work.
Goodbye, chicken! You look like you could have stayed in bed a bit longer.
Yeah, restless night! I'll head off.
I'll get a coffee in town.
See yous! Now, love.
Winnie must be happy with Jacko coming home from the hospital.
I'll believe it when I see it.
He's definitely coming home today.
I saw it on the discharge order.
We'll see.
Are you all right, Maria? I'm fine.
Are you still upset about last night? Last night? I heard you and Dermot arguing.
I wasn't listening on purpose, just it was so warm, I thought I'd sleep on the landing.
I worry about you, that's all.
I just worry.
Look, we have to get our own place.
I know, I heard.
But Dermot won't even come and look at flats with me and we can't stay here forever! You don't hear me complaining.
I know, Mrs Brown, but a place of our own! I know, love.
There's barely enough room for the four of you, never mind us.
Agnes, love.
Oh, Jesus phone an ambulance, pet! What's wrong, Winnie? I was getting Jacko out of the taxi from the hospital and Father Quinn's after driving over him! Jesus! Winnie! Winnie! Get you lads a drink? Eh, no thank you, officer! They must have something on.
I hope not! SHE BURPS Excuse me, Winnie.
A broken leg.
How many times has Jacko broke his leg? Eight.
But the other one was only five.
Oh! A broken leg and a few bruises.
I suppose he was lucky! Well, that's how I always think of him.
Lucky Jacko(!) Father Quinn didn't come out of it well.
No? No, he's in a bad way, Winnie.
He's losing his faith! Where did he lose his faith? I don't know.
He was talking about not having a flock.
I was embarrassed.
Oh, yeah! I didn't ask any questions.
Mr Foley! Thank you.
He's worried about missionaries pushing another religion there.
Ah! What he needs is a miracle! Maybe you're right.
Yeah! Why don't you do a miracle? What? Get up and pay for that booking round.
Ah, very funny(!) I have to get that washing machine fixed! Ah, good girl, Winnie! There you go, Pet! I hope you got me fresh ice now, not that fecking frozen stuff! That's all they had, Agnes! Ah, feck off, Agnes! I swear to God, Winnie, you'd swallow an anchor! Do you know, we could get Father Quinn to Lourdes and hope for a miracle! I've seen a miracle in Lourdes once.
Did you? There was a man in a wheelchair.
Yeah.
Then they pushed him into the water and suddenly all the lights got brighter, all the candles flickered.
You could feel a chill and then they pushed him out the other side.
And he got up and walked? No.
But the wheelchair had two new tyres! It's a doddle, Dermot.
The house is empty and they have a warehouse.
I could do with some money to get us a place.
But I promised Maria that I'd never burgle a house again.
Fair enough, we'll just do the warehouse.
OK, I'll take a look.
Now, no promises.
Just a look! Ah, brilliant! You've a marvellous pair of hands, son.
Gifted, gifted like Jockey Wilson! Yeah, Ma, listen.
I don't think I'll get this fixed today.
Ah, you're fecking useless! Switch off the power, Ma, for a minute.
Power going off! OK, Mammy! KNOCKING What do you want, Granddad? Has the power gone off? No, you've gone blind! They have a top-of-the-range security system.
What kind? The Mercury infra-red scan! No bother.
Just give me a mirror and a bit of Blu-Tack and that's done! And they have cameras, five of them, two of them night vision.
Power coming back on! And we can silence the alarms.
We can silence the bell with a bit of putty.
So then Tom Cruise comes out of the roof with a bit of rope and a torch in his mouth and he sets off all the alarms.
HE HUMS MISSION IMPOSSIBLE TUNE Ah, Dermo, it's a brilliant movie, you have to get it on DVD! Hello, Cathy! Hello, officer! Right, listen.
I'm off! Do you fancy a drink, Dermo? Hello, son.
Granddad? You still awake? Yeah! Were you at George Mumford's funeral? Yeah! Good craic afterwards? Yeah! Were they all saying what a nice man he was? Yeah! He must have been a good soul, so.
He was a shit! Some of us are trying to sleep up here.
Why don't yous get together and come up and scream in me fecking ear! What are yous doing up at this hour of the night? Talking, Ma, just talking.
I sat up till after midnight waiting for that thing to start on the fecking telly.
Grand Prix.
Wasted my time.
It was all about fecking racing cars! Granddad was just telling me how everyone was saying nice things about George Mumford at the wake.
That's nice.
You hated him.
Ah, he was a shit, nobody liked him! Ah, but still! Still what? Yous all make me sick! Do we? And what nice things will people say about me at my funeral? Yes, if they both turn up! And I won't be around to hear them say it! That's the way it goes, Granddad Once you die, you go deaf! A man should be allowed to attend his own funeral.
That's a great one.
I think that'll catch on(!) He could, you know.
Of course he could! I do forget we're related to fecking Lazarus! How would a man do that now, be at his own funeral, explain that to me! We could just tell everyone he's dead, have a pretend funeral, let Granddad hear what's being said.
A pretend funeral? What's going on? You're just in time.
Welcome to the Twilight Zone! Wait till you hear this.
Come on, Brains Trust, tell them your big plan.
Come on, Alfred Pitchfork! Granddad wants to hear all the nice things said about him at his funeral.
At his OWN funeral now! His own fecking funeral! So I suggested we have a pretend funeral, and let Granddad, you know, hear them! That might work! That could be great fun.
I could be real sad.
Am I the only sane person in this fecking house? A pretend funeral! I haven't been in mourning since your father died.
Everyone said I looked lovely in that black dress.
I still have it.
Have you, Mammy? Oh, yes.
You know, in case of, erm a special occasion.
No, no, we'd never get away with it.
We would, Ma! I know a couple of lads, undertakers.
They'd lend me a coffin.
We could lay him out in the house.
I could do his hair and make-up like in funeral parlours.
Father Quinn could say prayers.
That might be the last thing he does as a priest! And we could all have a flower to drop on the coffin as it's going down the hole.
Easy, Ma! We're not going that far.
Fecking spoilsport! We could always say nothing and just cremate him? He'll think he was in Torremolinos! When? When will we do it? No, not Monday - bingo.
Not Wednesday - pilates.
Not Thursday - my training course.
It can't be Tuesday.
Are yous all too busy to let me die? Shut up, you, and wait your fecking turn! You wouldn't die last month when I asked you to.
Hold on, nobody mentioned Friday.
How's Friday? If we do this, we don't tell anybody, only family.
And certainly not Winnie.
You know what she's fecking like! Oh, wait now, we'd better ask the corpse.
Granddad, how would you like to die on Friday? Friday is grand! Friday it is, then! Dermot! Dermot, you watch your time - you don't want to be late for work! OK, Mammy.
Just getting my costume.
DOOR BELL RINGS Mammy, that might be the lads with the coffin.
Oh, right! Hello, ma'am! Come in, come in.
Come in, quick! Don't let anybody see you! Thank you, ma'am.
I've been expecting you! Excellent.
We are here to shine a light on the path to God, and, may I just say, we are delighted with such a welcome.
Ah, that's very nice.
Have you got it with you now? I'm sorry, have we got what? The coffin - is it out in the big black car? Uh, we walked here.
You walked?! You didn't carry it up the fecking road?! It's supposed to be a surprise! Ma'am, we may be confusing you.
I'm Elder Bush and this here is Elder Peach.
Howdy, ma'am! Are you the undertakers? No, ma'am! We're Mormons.
Oh, son, don't be putting yourself down.
They used to say that about my child in school, but he turned out fine.
No, ma'am - Mormons, from the Church of Latter-day Saints.
The Church? You're the two that Father How do, do, do! Do sit down! Why, thank you, Ma'am, how kind! Not at all! I want to find out what all the fecking fuss is about! A lovely home you have here.
Thank you very much, son.
Well, we're just a normal family, trying to get by.
Hello, sir! Oh, don't mind him, he's just excited about his funeral tomorrow.
Well, my name is Agnes, or Mrs Brown, whichever you think is most appropriate.
That's fine, Mrs Brown.
May we begin with a few moments of silent prayer? Ha ha ha! Seriously? All right, just keep your voices down.
That's my son.
He's a big cock! Sugars, boys? How many sugars in your tea? We don't drink tea! Of course you don't, you're American! How many sugars in your cap-in-chino? We don't drink cappuccino either, or alcohol, or anything that might taint our system.
OK.
For we believe our bodies are the temple of the Lord, and if this be so, then who would defile a temple knowingly? A fecking "No" would have done! What if we just sneak out? Now, where were we? We were talking about the Old Testament.
The Old Testament, yeah.
Hallelujah Hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah, ha Comes from down there, look Hallelujah Hallelujah, hallelujah hallelujah! Don't mind me, son - that's just the way we used to do it in the old days.
In my day, you know.
It's all changed now, isn't it? Yeah, all modern, yeah.
Hallelu SHE BEATBOXES West side! Actually, Mrs Brown, we were talking about Abraham.
Very good story, yeah.
Yes, it is, ma'am.
Yes, it is.
Yeah, sad, but at the end, when he's riding his chariot and the wheel came off, that was sad.
Oh, no, wait, that was Kirk Douglas.
Oh, Abraham! Of course, yes! He invented the snip.
The snip? The snip, you know, snip! It's a very good story, that, it is, but it's made up.
I'm sorry, Mrs Brown? It's made up.
A lot of the Bible is made up.
They had to, cos otherwise it'd be only be a pamphlet.
I don't think so, Ma'am.
Norman's Ark, that's made up! I believe his name was Noah.
Well, I believe in Ireland we call him fucking Norman! That's made up, love.
No, Ma'am! Yes, son.
Think about it, think about it! I have, ma'am, I Son, son, it rains for 40 days and 40 nights.
That's right.
And they called it a disaster.
Yes.
In Ireland, we call that the fecking summer! It's made up! I mean, here.
What did he have on his boat? Norman, what did Norman? Are you looking up the fecking answers? I'm sorry! What did he have on his boat? I'll give you a hint.
He had green alligators And long-necked geese Humpety-back camels And chimpanzees Cats and rats and eph-e-lants But just couldn't find him a u-ni-corn! Come on, what did he have on the boat? Two of every animal.
Two of every animal in the whole world! That's right.
On a fucking boat?! Son, we had two hamsters for the month - they nearly shit out the house! We'd better be going now.
No, no, wait! Hold on, I'm not fecking finished! The Three Wise Men! Wise?! They got fecking lost! Do you know what, Granddad? It fecking suits you! Lie down! Hey, Mammy - Granddad looks great.
Doesn't he! I'm telling you, mahogany's his colour! Hi, Granddad! Don't talk to him, he's booking dead! What's this? It's Granddad's death certificate.
Dr Flynn was drunk - I got him to write one out.
You don't need a death certificate.
Oh, yes, I do.
He's due 15,000 euro from his union the day he dies.
He's retired 15 years, I'm fucked if I'm waiting any longer! Mammy? It's not for me, it's for you two.
Get you started in a place of your own.
Thanks, Ma! Ah, "Thanks, Ma" me arse! I'm fed up of yous crowding me out.
I have no fecking privacy.
I want yous out.
Thank you, Mrs Brown.
Ah, don't thank me, love.
Thank Granddad for dying prematurely! You look fantastic, Cathy! Thanks, Mammy.
This is actually fun! I know, I'm getting excited! It's great practice for me, cos when he does go, it'll be all I can do to stop meself doing booking cartwheels! Mammy, there's loads of people arriving! Oh, lovely! Now, come on, let's get this show on the fecking road! Agnes, love.
Aw, Jesus! I'm so sorry for your trouble, pet! Thank you, Winnie.
It was such a shock! Where is he? Winnie, did you think that was the fucking buffet?! Jesus, Lord, would you look at him? Oh, God.
It must have been a painful passing.
Oh, peace in the valley Peace where he lies Winnie, love, that's grand.
Winnie, did somebody tell you it was a fecking karaoke? DOOR BELL RINGS They're here, get Mama Cass off the floor, Cathy! God bless all in this house.
Thank you, Father I know.
He's I know.
I I know! How do you fucking know?! Will we begin? The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away.
Too true! Too true! He gives us always the promise of heaven.
And hell for the sinners! Winnie, it's not a booking debate! Granddad Brown was a good man.
Let us recall his contribution to our lives.
This won't take long! For without him, there'd be none of you here today.
No Agnes He's not MY father.
Mammy! .
.
none of her children, grandchildren.
I never thought of it that way.
Let us take a moment to remember him Would anybody like to say a word in his memory? OK, then.
ALL GASP Has nobody anything good to say? He's He's not dead! No, he's alive! Oh, my God! It's a miracle! It's a miracle, Father! How did you do it, Father Quinn? How did you do it? Well, I don't know.
I raised my arms in the air! ALL: He raised his arms in the air! And then I looked up to the Lord.
ALL: He looked up to the Lord! He put his hands up in the air He put his hands up in the air And he said a little prayer And he said a little prayer I've never seen the like before Never seen the like before Granddad's back from death's door Granddad's back from death's door So if your life is full of sin If your life is full of sin Just send out for Father Quinn Father Quinn, Father Quinn Father Quinn, Father Quinn Father Quinn, Father Quinn He just raised his hands on high He just raised his hands on high He asked the Lord to hear his cry Asked the Lord to hear his cry The darkest secrets from my past Darkest secrets from her past Are laid to rest for me at last Laid to rest for her at last It doesn't matter where you've been It doesn't matter where you've been Just send out for Father Quinn Father Quinn, Father Quinn Father Quinn, Father Quinn Father Quinn, Father Quinn Father Quinn, Father Quinn Father Quinn, Father Quinn You waited for a sign from him You waited for a sign from him Instead of your faith being dead Your faith being dead You worked a miracle instead Worked a miracle instead Now you have the power within Now you have the power within For God's sake, there's your sign Father Quinn! Father Quinn, Father Quinn! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You see, I told you.
It all works out the way it's supposed to! Now, don't sit there - get up and dance! Come on! He raised his hands up high Asked the Lord to hear his cry Darkest secrets from the past Yeah! Laid to rest for her at last Doesn't matter where you've been Just send out for Father Quinn Father Quinn, Father Quinn Father Quinn, Father Quinn Father Quinn, Father Quinn!