Mulligan (2023) s01e06 Episode Script

1
[classical music playing]
[classical music continues]
[crumbles]
Grimes, are you eating a boot?
Remember the Internet stupids?
When I cut into this,
it's gonna be secret cake.
Ah, man.
Ah! Look, Dan, the first robin of spring.
[all yelling, grunting]
- [mascot] Lemme eeda fugga bahh!
- [Dan] I'm so hungry!
- [Grimes] Cake!
- [woman] Sneaky!
[grunting, yelling continues]
[in groundhog language] Jesus,
how long was I asleep?!
[theme music playing]
[Dr. Braun] Mr. President [clears throat]
obviously, it's hard to compete with oil
because it is dino juice.
- [Matty] Hmm.
- But hey, here's a question.
Who would win a fight
between a dinosaur and Superman?
Come on. Superman.
Unless the dinosaur's mom's name
is also Martha.
Then they wouldn't fight.
Well, Superman gets his strength
from solar power,
and so could you.
Unless Vice President LaMarr
doesn't like Superman.
I would never speak ill of Superman,
let alone our beautiful sun.
Oh, okay.
Well, I found this
in what was left of my car.
Harry Connick Jr. Live: Just the Banter?
The title's not important.
What's important is if I had enough CDs,
copper wire, and a diode,
I could create a photovoltaic cell.
- What's a CD?
- Okay, this just got wicked boring.
You got 30 seconds,
and then I'm going out there
and teaching the fat one
how to throw a curve.
Okay, that's my son.
Enough about the sun!
Jeez, why don't you just marry it already?
Sir, I just need compact discs,
and there's a Sam Goody buried
under the wreckage of Mazza Gallerie.
There was still a Sam Goody here?
Sibley Hospital kept it open
to help ease the transition
for newly awoken 1990s coma patients.
If General Scarpaccio's men
help me dig it out,
I could get enough CDs to,
in your words, sir,
"encoldify your brew-dogs."
My men could totally do that,
and I know what CDs are 'cause I'm old.
I also know about Seinfeld?
Well, I took the liberty
of writing up an executive order.
- It should be on your desk.
- I have it right here, sir.
Just add your Jefferson Davis
Uh, John Hancock, I mean.
[chuckles] That name. "John" means toilet.
After you've read it, of course.
Aw, I gotta read stuff now?
What is this, the movie Parasite?
What? I'm not signing this.
Yeah, nice try, Doctor,
but you're on the wrong side of history.
- [whimsical music plays]
- [Matty huffs]
What the hell just happened?
Aw, I really thought you had him there
with Superman.
[Dr. Braun scoffs]
Heads up! [grunts]
- [grunts]
- Ah, baseball.
I watched hundreds of hours of this game
to study humans' physical abilities
in preparation for the attack.
It was not the best use of my time.
Uh, yeah, maybe you should have gotten
vent covers for your ship.
I told Zeenorp I wanted them.
This is what happens
when you hire your sister's glabzorn.
One vent cover,
and I'd be home in my kitchen.
Great. Okay.
Mommy's done for the day. Let's go, boys.
Oh, come on, don't be like that.
Just 'cause I didn't do your dumb thing,
you're gonna take away my playmates?
They're my children, sir.
And we now know today is Saturday,
and Saturday's our family time.
Right, kids?
Yeah, that's why dad had custody
on weekends. You were always at work
Well, Dad's gone, okay?
To a To a farm. A daddy farm.
But he always took us
to Little League on Saturdays.
Little League. Yes, I'm sure
some of the kids from your team survi
I mean, have the afternoon free.
The others are at camp on a farm.
It's a farm camp.
- We're playing baseball?
- No, we're playing baseball.
Practicing, actually, because
the other teams are all farms now.
Practice? How do you win at practice?
You have the satisfaction
of incremental improvement.
[scoffs] You're explaining baseball to me?
I played for and got suspended
for betting on the Sea Pigs.
I got it! I got it! I got it!
- [crowd boos]
- Cha-ching!
Uh, I mean, uh, oops.
So let me tell you
something about baseball.
Games is the only way you win,
and winning is what winners do.
Yeah. Mom, you've never even seen us play.
I went to a game.
Remember I got hit by that foul ball
because I was on my laptop?
The umpire gave me mouth-to-mouth
for no reason.
Also, I'm gonna go
to one of your games now,
because we're gonna play a game.
- Yeah!
- All right, Mrs. B!
But you're gonna need an opponent.
I'll go round up
some other, uh, not-dead kids.
Now, where's this farm they're all at?
[rustling]
Ugh! Are you, like, one of those guys
that follow me into Payless
and take my used disposable socks
out of the trash?
What? That's a kind of guy?
- Yeah.
- Ugh.
Well, this isn't just any trash, Lucy.
It's a dustbin of history.
No? Well, according
to the Presidential Records Act,
every White House document
must be preserved.
Whether it's the president drawing
snakes with muscle arms,
uh, or an unsigned executive order
Zounds! A poison pill!
Don't eat it!
No, a poison pill
is when someone inserts language
into a document to sabotage it.
"An order establishing
that Derek Jeter rules. Go Yankees."
"Also, real clam chowder is red."
No wonder the president wouldn't sign it.
That Mr. LaMarr is sneaky.
Like those guys who Spider-Man
on the ceilings of airplane bathrooms.
Our democracy has been corrupted
by these kinds of procedural dirty tricks.
I have half a mind to tell Farrah
she should do something about this.
Oh, I saw her leave.
She was with Matty and two dwarves.
- Or her children.
- Who each had one very big hand.
- Baseball gloves.
- Matty was carrying a tiny flagpole.
- A bat.
- Who knows if they're ever coming back.
So maybe you should go
and talk to Mr. LaMarr.
Confrontation. Yes.
Sweet. Cool. I love it.
Please don't make me.
Here's a little tip for telling people
things they don't wanna hear.
Be pretty. Okay, good luck.
[Simon groans]
[whimsical music playing]
[Matty panting]
Who wants to play baseball?
I do, numbnuts.
Oh yes! Team's gotta have
a foul-mouthed wise-cracking kid.
Will there be snacks?
We haven't eaten in days.
You must be the fat kid. Nice!
Wait, but where's the kid
who's too little? Or the weird twins?
Ooh, we're also gonna need
a kid who drinks beer.
I call it "forget juice."
A tough kid, working under a car.
Hey, I'm an adult
who doesn't do leg exercises.
Stop shaming me.
A nerdy kid who can't even throw.
[narrator] It was a summer
I'd never forget
No! Why do you get to narrate
our story in the future? You suck!
Hey. Can I play?
General Scarpaccio?
Wow. My name is Jayson, and I'm a kid.
Can you really not tell me apart
from an old army guy?
No, no, no, no, no. Come on, I'm cool.
I saw Green Book in theaters.
Welcome to the team, Jayson.
Not bad.
I mean, I was hoping to find
a girl with a boy's name,
like Jo or something,
and when she takes off her helmet,
the other team goes, "You're Jo?"
But, yeah, hey,
good enough for government work.
[Simon mumbling angrily]
- My, oh my.
- [Simon yelps]
I haven't seen nervous pacing like that
since my pappy gave me a silver dollar
and dropped me off
at that riverboat brothel.
"This'll cure you
of your love of theater," he said.
I know you put a poison pill
in the executive order,
Mr. Vice President
- Sir.
- Oh, you're here on business. [chuckles]
Step on into my chambers.
I hope you don't think
I did something unseemly.
There's nothing seemlier
than following Senate procedure.
Why, it's positively dripping with seem.
No! Poison pills and filibusters
and pork-barrel politics is everything
that was wrong with our democracy.
I'm sorry I yelled.
Ha! You ivory-tower know-it-alls
have no clue how this town really works.
There's a way things are done,
and it begins and ends with lobbyists.
They're the char
that makes my train go "ca-choo-choo."
Still?
- [crackles]
- The world is that,
but you sabotaged Farrah's solar plan
'cause she didn't buy you a fancy dinner?
The proper channels exist
so that we don't just chase
every fad gon' come along.
Why, do you want a Supreme Court
packed with Pokémans?
Solar energy isn't just a fad.
Jimmy Carter installed solar panels
on the White House in 1979.
Exactly.
An adult man named Jimmy?
That's silly season.
But don't you want electricity?
Well, of course, it would be nice
to blend my smoothies,
or recharge the LVAD machine
that pumps my blood.
- The what?
- It's like a electronic heart.
Dick Cheney had to get one of 'em,
so then we all got 'em.
[LVAD machine] Battery low.
Death in five hours.
What did it say?
Oh, I'll be fine,
just as long as I do my somersaults,
which is a French word,
so I call 'em "freedom tumbles."
Keep the blood flowing.
[LaMarr grunts]
That's the ticket.
So you're just insane.
I am principled.
This is how things have been done
for my entire 60-year career
in public office.
And like Patrick Henry,
or that guy who was really into bears,
I will die before I betray my beliefs.
Huh. Well, now if you'll excuse me,
I need to tumble some blood
to the old corn grabbers. [grunting]
[whimsical music plays]
Now, what's the most important thing
about playing baseball?
Coach Doug says it's having fun.
Coach Doug is stuck in traffic.
The most important thing at this level
is to never swing.
See, pitchers your age have no control.
If you never swing,
we'll just walk our way to victory.
Mom, that's so lame.
Oh, I I just thought if we won,
you'd be happy.
- [Matty] Well, you're not going to.
- [dramatic sting]
Scared of how ragtag we look?
'Cause, you know, the underdogs
always beat the piss
out of the snot-nosed rich kids.
Yeah, in movies.
Also, no one is rich anymore.
Where'd you get all that old equipment?
The Smithsonian stuff.
Jayson's got Ty Cobb's glove!
I found this weird book inside it.
So your name is Jayson?
Yeah, it is, Farrah.
I'm also a great name-guesser.
Was I right?
Yes. Oh my God. Do me now.
Come on. Can we play, Dad?
Mom, actually.
But, yeah,
because playing's fun, and I'm fun.
Get ready to have your asses torn off
and shoved up your butts.
- Oh God.
- Play ball.
[whimsical music plays]
Ten-nothing. Skunk rule. We win.
What a fun day with Mom, right?
What? It's the first inning.
I wanna keep playing.
What's wrong with you?
I don't know, Carter.
I don't know what's wrong with Mommy.
Maybe it's 'cause she was an only child
who grew up on a college campus
and is just more comfortable
around adults.
And she couldn't go to birthday parties
'cause after her uncle
tried to kill Ronald Reagan,
she wasn't allowed to watch movies
Yeah, well, the game's not over.
Great. My kids wanna keep playing,
so I wanna keep playing.
I love it. Let's play.
Good, 'cause this is the time in the movie
when the underdogs come back and win.
That's us.
And you guys,
you're the opposite of underdogs.
You're overcats.
Woof! Boo! Meow! Woof! Boo! Meow!
Mr. President, what are you doing?
We're dogs, they're cats,
and we don't like them.
I get that it's not working,
but don't just name the problem.
Pitch a solution.
So Mr. LaMarr
is just gonna let himself die?
- I went to the National Archives
- Aw.
You must be so bored.
Do you want me to do a dance? [scats]
Um, no. Uh, not now.
I pulled LaMarr's files looking for
some shred of humanity to appeal to,
but, uh, he's always been like this.
You all think I'm licked,
but, uh, I will not yield.
Not until
there's a cigarette machine
in every kindergarten.
- [uplifting music plays]
- [all applauding]
So, um, maybe it wouldn't be
the worst thing if we
let him die.
You don't just let people die, Simon.
Haven't you watched The Bible?
You don't understand.
LaMarr's never gonna change.
He's just set in his ways.
One of my pageant causes
was elder literacy,
so I know how stubborn oldies can be.
This word is "car."
Can you say car?
[in German accent]
I was a guard at Buchenwald.
I need to confess my crimes to you
so I can enter heaven.
Car.
LaMarr won't listen to us, Lucy.
He'll only listen to lobbyists,
and all the lobbyists are gone.
- No, they're not.
- [heroic music plays]
What's a lobbyist?
- [upbeat music playing]
- [indistinct chatter]
What is happening?
We should've come back by now.
This isn't a movie, sir.
Yeah, well, I bet your mom
was in some movies.
She was. Her name was Jennifer Garner.
I'm Oliver Affleck.
Well, your blood is coagulating,
which is good.
Unless you're a hemophiliac,
in which case you'll just bleed out.
Which I didn't need to say,
and I was kidding. [chuckles]
Your knee is just going to a farm.
Stop saying "farm!"
I know what that means.
And I know what happens
to all the bunnies in your lab!
[chuckles nervously]
No, you do not.
[sobbing]
- [whimsical music plays]
- [Matty sighs]
What are we missing?
We've got a bunch of young misfits,
a coach who has nothing to lose
except everything,
and a mysterious groundskeeper
who gives us advice.
Oh, I'm no groundskeeper.
I won this shovel in a fight.
Now, back to the advice.
When fighting for a shovel,
nothing beats shoving your opponent
into a fire.
- [kid 1] Oh!
- [kid 2] Aw!
- Oh God!
- Ow!
[screams, grunts]
That's what we're missing.
A kid who doesn't suck ass at baseball.
We just need our Big Papi
crushing balls over the Green Monster.
[gasps]
Green Monster.
Hey, Poindexter.
Pwondext-ay. My people are French.
I need you to buy me some time.
Have a seizure or whatever.
The original version
of "Take Me Out to the Ball Game"
had 16 increasingly xenophobic verses.
All right, seventh-inning stretch!
[door opens]
Senate lobbyist registration forms.
Well, I'll be a monkey's roommate.
But just roommates.
We are here on behalf of your friends
in the solar industry.
Hmm. I do appreciate
your newfound appreciation
for proper protocol,
but give me one good reason
why I shouldn't have my secretary
show you both the door,
other than his untimely death?
- How about a thousand reasons?
- [dramatic sting]
This is a donation to your pooper sack.
Super PAC.
I will, of course,
report this generous contribution
to the puddles of goo
at the Federal Election Commission.
I inserted some new language
into Dr. Braun's executive order.
Whoa, now. Slow down.
Cartwright LaMarr
is not so easily seduced.
Offer to buy a girl dinner first.
[both chuckle nervously]
I said buy
a girl
dinner.
Oh.
[Axatrax] Duh,
"I'm the American Earth president."
"I'm super proud of going to my own moon
'cause it's so far away."
There you are.
Axie, do you really know
how to play baseball?
I do. I also learned to dance
from watching Dirty Dancing.
Lift me!
- [Matty grunts]
- [Axatrax hisses]
Okay. Well, how old are you, pal?
'Cause I wanna do an Air Bug.
That sumbitch was so hungover,
he voted "aye" on SB106. [chuckles]
[both chuckle nervously]
Great story, sir.
You could really tell what ethnicity
everyone was just from the voices.
[LVAD machine] Battery at 3%.
Pulse rate, seven.
Okay, you've had your lunch.
Can we just get Matty
to sign the thing now?
Miss Suwan, have I told you
about my childhood love of the theater?
I do so enjoy a show.
Do we really have time for
I also enjoy my principles.
Oh, they will keep me warm in the grave.
Let's go see a show!
I'll settle the bill.
- [kisses]
- [whimsical music plays]
Thank you for your help,
President Roosevelt.
You sure are.
Now back to New York to get my Annie.
[stagehand grunting]
[LaMarr claps]
- Bravo, I say, bravo.
- [Simon groans]
The Spaniards ♪
Okay, new pitcher.
And before anyone is all,
"I'm a scientist.
My glasses are my entire personality."
"And also Axatrax is 340 years old,
so he can't play in a Little League game,"
tell 'em what you told me.
You need to brush your teeth for longer.
About your dumb planet.
Cardi-B only orbits its suns
once every 120 Earth years,
so technically, I'm three.
You rich kids are about to get
your asses kicked by a three-year-old!
[dramatic music plays]
[gulps]
- [Axatrax] Weeyup!
- [whimsical music plays]
[Axatrax grunts]
Hee-haw.
Glass-breaking. [meows]
Wah-wah.
Boi-oi-oing.
A real team effort.
Splat!
[Axatrax screeches, grunts]
What are you doing?
And why did I let it go on for so long?
I'm playing baseball perfectly.
This is exactly how they did it
on my research video
Super Duper Baseball Bloopers.
I made the noises and everything.
Bloopers are screwups, dillweed.
You're doing everything wrong.
Well, in my language,
"bloopers" means "highlights,"
like the magazine Bloopers for Children.
Highlights for Children!
And why would you think
that's the one word we have in common?
[Jayson] I'm really hurt.
Well, these are some mighty fine seats.
I could make out
the boys' weird little mustaches.
And you can see them thanks to the sun.
Speaking of the sun
Yes, I'd like to learn more about
what the sun can do
for me and my constituents.
Perhaps a little fact-finding tour
to the Bahamas
[LVAD machine] Battery at 2%.
Activating vulture beacon.
Oh my God, sir! Matty's right there.
Make him sign the order.
I don't know
whom you think you're talking to,
but Cartwright LaMarr is not a Teva.
He does not go flip-flop.
My friends in the oil industry
invested a lot of time and money in me.
You all invested an afternoon.
There is no oil industry!
Everything's different now.
And I can't take it anymore,
even before the attack.
The Jeffersons, lady doctors,
phones let you press a button
to talk in Spanish
I mean, we could let him die.
And now you want me to just go ahead
and support solar power?
No, I'm afraid I need to be lobbied
better than that.
You gotta lobby me all the way.
What does that even mean?
I hate all this yelling I'm doing!
You gotta give me no choice,
like when the NRA poisoned my grits
and would only give me the antidote
if I voted to let dogs own guns.
You want us to, like, blackmail you?
Tick-tock, friends. Tick-tock.
[Axatrax grunts]
I wish we had a funny bug mascot.
My mom is so lame.
I can't wait till my dad visits
from that farm.
Okay, you know what?
We've skunked you guys three times,
and it's getting late. Game over.
No! This is not over
until we make our comeback.
Jesus, let it go.
It's just a baseball game.
It's not just about baseball!
Looks like my work here is done.
How so? My thing is totally unresolved.
I'm in the middle
of storming off dramatically.
- Fading away now.
- [ethereal tinkling]
[ticking]
Hmm. I'm gonna have a real nice time
haunting this place.
I think I'll do that thing where
you start out normal, and then it's like
- [dramatic sting]
- bleah!
Well, well, well.
And here's one
to take home with you: well.
So, what's the play here?
You gonna frame me for murder? Is that it?
I see the First Lady
is already dressed up as a call girl.
This is a nice dress.
It's Jessica Simpson for BevMo!
And we don't have to stoop
to your level, sir,
because I pulled this
from the archives earlier.
Well, congratulations.
You discovered that I voted in 1980.
Nope, we discovered
that you had a mood ring.
Yeah, the '70s were still winding down.
I also had a fondue pot. Lock me up.
[Lucy] But why is it amber?
Your face is smiling,
but your ring sure isn't.
Oh
Why would Cartwright LaMarr feel sad
on the day Ronald Reagan won 44 States?
Maybe because
- you voted for a Democrat?
- [dramatic sting]
Of course I voted for Carter.
He was a Southerner, a navy man,
and grew the best damn peanuts
I ever tasted.
Ronald Reagan was a Hollywood actor,
the head of a labor union, and a divorcé.
Oh, I'm so sorry, Gipper.
Thank God I saw the error of my ways.
And thank super God
you're not alive to see this.
No, but I think my friend Vance Barry
We're friends? Oh happy day.
would be very interested
in this photograph.
[dramatic music plays]
Well played.
I'm attempting to clap at normal speed,
but my brain isn't getting any oxygen.
So, you're fully lobbied or whatever.
You'll support solar energy now?
Why, I have to.
You've given me no choice.
Finally. Let's go get
Matty's signature before you
Oh, that won't be necessary.
These were here the whole time?
I put them here
after I helped Mr. Reagan tear them down.
It was me, Ronnie, and Ed Meese.
And of course our mommies,
which is what we all called our wives.
But this was before the solar industry
proved itself to be so patriotic.
And since improvements to the White House
fall under the purview of the First Lady,
we don't need the president to sign
- [LVAD machine] Battery at 0%.
- [beeping]
Commencing death.
- Lucy, do it!
- Put them up!
- I'm the First Lady, so do electricity.
- Do it!
I assembled the perfect team. So stop
Hey, the kids are waiting for you.
I told them you went to a farm, but
Are you all right?
No.
I just wanted to win something.
Being president is so hard.
Baseball is something
I actually know how to do,
and I can't even beat
a bunch of rich snobs with a girl coach.
You want a win? What about me?
What about you? You're not me.
All I wanted to do today
was be a mom to my kids,
something that's supposed
to come naturally but clearly doesn't.
Clearly. The tall one told me
he doesn't sleep
because he's afraid he's gonna wake up
on a farm full of skeletons.
Oh God.
Their dad was the fun one
and the nurturing one.
For the record,
he sucked at everything else.
He invested our life savings
in a cryptocurrency called Koolkash,
with two Ks.
The only cryptocurrency worth anything
is Sexxxxbux,
with a total of five Xs.
So sometimes I try too hard,
and it never works. [sighs]
The sun is setting, Matty.
Neither of us is gonna win today.
I'm starting to think movies lied to me.
Maybe the underdogs
don't always make a comeback.
[sighs] I hope you're wrong,
'cause, boy, we are all underdogs now.
And we're all getting our asses torn off
and shoved up our own butts.
Okay game over.
[electric crackling]
[gentle music plays]
[whimsical music playing]
- All right.
- [Simon and Lucy sigh]
[citizens gasp]
- [woman] Hey, look, it's electricity!
- [man] All right!
[clamoring]
[lights power on]
Mom, did you do this?
Obviously. For you little turds.
That's why she works so hard.
Now we can play all night!
Guys, my mom turned the lights on!
Now, I can read at night!
Yeah.
Read about being a virgin.
Mr. President, he's 12.
All right, play ball!
[whimsical music playing]
Well, it's a start.
[vulture screeches]
[dramatic sting]
Let's get me plugged in, shall we?
Wait, where's Matty?
[Matty in girl voice] Hey, boys. I'm Jo.
I'm ten years old,
and I'm here to show everyone
that girls can play baseball too.
Oh Go Okay.
Wait, you're Jo?
[upbeat music playing]
[Matty] Oh, here we go.
Put me in, coach ♪
I wanna play baseball ♪
Hey, coach ♪
I don't remember the words of this ♪
Ooh ♪
Oh yeah ♪
And we don't have CDs or the Internet ♪
So it's hard to look up song lyrics ♪
But put me in, coach ♪
'Cause I'm a girl ♪
I've got all the stuff ♪
Ooh ♪
Oh yeah ♪
Baseball, baseball, baseball ♪
Baseball, baseball
Baseball, baseball ♪
[team cheering]
[Matty] Put me in, coach ♪
[cheering, indistinct chatter]
Aw! All right, two out of three.
We can play all night
'cause my mom invented light bulbs.
[upbeat music playing]
[in girl voice] Girl power!
- Splat!
- [all chuckle]
Baseball!
[whimsical music playing]
[music ends]