Muppets Now (2020) s01e06 Episode Script

KERMIT: You're watching Muppets Now
streaming directly from the--
SCOOTER: Huh? (SIGHS)
"Social media intern"? What?
(TONE RINGING)
Oh, hiya, Scooter. Uncle Kermit asked me
to manage our social account.
Well, that's great, Robin, but, uh,
can we talk when I get these uploads done?
Oh, sure. And I've made you
co-moderator on everything.
Ah, yeah, well, I really don't have time
right now for this.
Uh Uh
Robin? This is a lot right now.
Oh, I know. We're doing great, right?
SCOOTER: I gotta get
this stuff uploaded, and
Oh, yeah, yeah, and I'm gonna keep
the online conversation going.
SCOOTER: Why?
(LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING)
Hi-ho, Kermit the Frog here
to remind you never to try
what you're about to see at home.
Let's not limit it to home.
-Uh, place of employment?
-Check.
-Doctor's office?
-Check.
-Uh, log in a swamp?
-Keep going.
Okay, how about this?
Wherever you are, do not try
what you're about to see here.
Otherwise, enjoy.
You're not obligated to enjoy.
DR. BUNSEN: Doink!
-(BEAKER SCREAMING)
-DR. BUNSEN: Ooh. Beaky!
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Welcome to Muppet Labs Field Test.
I am Dr. Bunsen Honeydew,
here with my loyal assistant, Beaker.
(MEEPS)
Today, we're getting all mixed up
in the fascinating world of chemistry.
And we can thank Antoine Lavoisier.
(MEEPING)
-No, "Lavoisier," Beaky.
-(MEEPS)
-That's better.
-Hmm.
DR. BUNSEN: The man who literally
wrote the book on chemistry,
Monsieur Lavoisier used the process of
wine-making to explain chemical equations
and to show what happens
when you mix things together
to make them go boom, sizzle, pop.
-(BEAKER GASPS)
-I'm Joe from Legal.
Oh! Uh
I believe Mr. Kermit already handled
the required disclaimer.
Understood. I'm here to make sure
you're following best practices.
-I see.
-With me here,
the only lawsuit you'll need
to worry about is the one I'm wearing.
-(GUFFAWING)
-(BOTH GASP)
-Legal humor. Pretend I'm not here.
-Uh, yes.
Beaker? Let's start
some chemical reactions.
(BEAKER EXCLAIMS)
As everyone knows, the most dramatic way
to demonstrate the power of chemistry
is to mix baking soda with vinegar
and create a volcanic eruption.
BEAKER: Ah
Oh, that was scientifically disappointing.
But legally thrilling.
-Let me elucidate.
-DR. BUNSEN: Huh?
JOE FROM LEGAL:
Chemical reaction happens
when one party infringes upon
a second party,
thereby creating
a third party or substance.
Such a chemical reaction
can be scientifically interesting,
but is also likely to be unpredictable,
unsafe and legally actionable.
Which is why I am very glad
you will not be combining
common household materials
just to see what happens.
-BEAKER: Hmm.
-Why, that's an inspired idea, Joe!
-What?
-Thank you so much!
I What just happened?
I'm sorry, what?
So, you're combining salt and ice here?
Ah. Yes. The salt will lower
the ice's freezing point,
causing it to melt faster, QED.
DR. BUNSEN: Boring, Beaker.
JOE FROM LEGAL:
You appear to be mixing salt and soda.
Hmm. How unorthodox.
That just made a, uh fizzy mess.
(BEAKER MEEPING)
JOE FROM LEGAL:
Ah. Salt and popcorn. Excellent.
Combine those and you have
a delicious theater snack.
My doctor says
I shouldn't have that much salt, though.
That went better than I expected.
I was hoping for something bigger.
Something that explodes.
Beaker, how do we take this
to the next level?
Uh, objection. We do not.
Gentlemen, this is as far as we go.
-Well, but why?
-Well, obviously,
because chemical reactions
are subject to four basic jurisdictions.
Synthesis, decomposition,
single and double replacement.
Any one of these infractions could result
in a change on the atomic level,
resulting in the aforementioned booms,
sizzles, pops, and who knows what else.
In layman's terms, gentlemen,
no one should be doing any of this stuff.
-Any of this stuff?
-Any of it. Any of it.
Even if you just took that dish soap
and hydrogen peroxide
and added a catalyst of,
I don't know, potassium iodide,
there's no telling what might happen.
I love the way you think.
Beaker, you know what to do.
Uh, no. Sir, cease and desist.
Uh, motion to dismiss. Objection!
Deniability, take the fifth.
I'm not here!
-Ready, Beaky?
-(BEAKER GRUNTS)
(LIQUID BUBBLING)
BEAKER: Ah!
Ooh!
BEAKER: Ah!
DR. BUNSEN: Ooh!
A boom, a sizzle, and a pop.
Gentlemen, that was inadvisable,
legally suspect, and completely off-book!
Whew. That was just the reaction
I was looking for!
I'm so glad you decided
to pop in today, Joe.
But--
We couldn't have done
any of this without you.
You did all of this without me!
(INHALES DEEPLY)
Calm down, Joe. Deep blue ocean.
At least these gentlemen
didn't use radium.
I mean, using radium
would have been a total disaster,
like a deposition on a Friday.
-(GUFFAWING)
-(BOTH EXCLAIM)
-(GLASS SHATTERS)
-(BEAKER WHINES)
-Whoopsie.
-(DR. BUNSEN SIGHS)
-(BUBBLING)
-(CONTINUES WHINING)
Whoa, Beaker, you need to get out
of the sun. You're burning up.
-(WHIMPERING)
-Ooh.
Yikes.
(MESSAGE ALERT DINGING)
(TYPING)
"Hurry up, Scooper."
That's not even my name.
(SIGHS) All right.
Uh Hmm Hmm Hmm.
(FOLKISH MUSIC PLAYING)
Hello there!
Welcome to the
Okey Dokey Kookin challenge!
My name is Beverly Plume
and I'll be your host
as two epic epicureans
serve up two takes on one dish!
The first challenger,
ah, Swedish Chef!
-(VOCALIZES)
-Whoo-hoo!
And on the other side of the island,
Miss Marina Michelson!
-Hi, there!
-Oh, hello! We're so glad you're here.
-Happy to be here.
-Oh, good!
What are you going
to be making today?
I'm going to be making some Mediterranean
lamb meatballs with yogurt sauce.
-The meatenball?
-Mm-hmm.
No, no, no, no, no. The šwëëdē ballᶒs.
(SPEAKING FAUX SWEDISH)
SWEDISH CHEF: Shh!
Really?
Which meatball shall rule them all?
As our chefs compete in this arena,
this temple, this sacred
CREW MEMBER: Cut!
KERMIT: Oh.
So, what gives these meatballs of yours
a uniquely Mediterranean flavor?
Well, we're gonna use
a lot of Mediterranean herbs and spices.
-Oh! Everything smells good already!
-Yeah, it does. It's this mint.
I love working with fresh ingredients
and I really love working with my hands.
It's really meditative.
KERMIT: I'm so sorry.
It's just, I got my lunch here.
I'm just gonna pass.
You can cut around this.
-Are we still shooting?
-(GRUNTS)
(HUMMING)
BEVERLY: So, how are all these
going to be combined?
MARINA: So, I'm gonna put in a tablespoon
of fresh ground cumin in here.
And then just a pinch of this cayenne
because it's pretty spicy.
BEVERLY: Oh! Who taught you how to cook?
MARINA: My grandmother did.
So, I just dropped in some olive oil,
salt, a pinch of black pepper.
BEVERLY: Ooh-whoo-hoo.
MARINA: And then I love cracking the egg.
That's always fun.
Oh, Chef! If I may, cooking like this
is not optimal for our viewers.
Shh! No peeky!
Oh, so it's a secret, I see.
But you do want viewers to learn
how to cook these recipes, don't you?
-(SPEAKS FAUX SWEDISH)
-Learn Marina's?
This is a secret recipe
for my humiliation!
Ugh. Very well.
So now, I'm gonna throw in
all of this ground lamb.
And we're gonna start mixing it up
with our hands.
BEVERLY: Mixing with the hands
is the best, isn't it?
Oh, yeah, so if you see,
I'm just making these pretty small.
If you make them too big,
it's hard to get them evenly cooked.
How are you going to cook them?
I'm actually gonna bake them.
I'm gonna pre-heat the oven
at about 450 degrees
for eight to ten minutes.
(GASPS)
I've got some creamy yogurt over here.
(KNIFE SCRAPING)
BEVERLY: Oh, creamy yogurt sauce.
If only I could pour it on Chef's head!
(APPLIANCE WHIRRING)
I am mortified.
MARINA: Then we're gonna zest a lemon.
Lovely lemon flavor!
All the flavor in a lemon is in the rind.
We'll do the same thing with garlic.
(BEVERLY SHUDDERS EXCITEDLY)
Okay, now we're ready to mix it all up.
-(CRACKLING AND HISSING)
-BEVERLY: Good gravy, what was that?
So, how are you coming along, Chef?
We're just about done here.
-(EXPLOSION)
-BEVERLY: Oh.
Oh, well, nothing like a bit of mystery
in the kitchen. (LAUGHS)
-Oh, there you go, putting it in the bowl!
-MARINA: Here we go.
-This is our nice spiced sauce.
-(BEVERLY GIGGLES)
-It's plating time! My favorite time.
-These are all ready.
-We've got some halved Persian cucumbers.
-Oh, that's lovely!
Now we're gonna top it off
with our yogurt sauce.
Yogurt sauce!
MARINA: And then we've got
a little bit of scallions.
They're just positively radiant!
Oh, look at that! And they must be
a hit at parties, yes?
Oh, people love 'em.
Then now, we come to the moment of truth.
-I
-(VOCALIZES)
Well, uh, Chef, I do like what you've done
with the negative space here,
but Marina did produce much more of a--
-Oh, no, no, no.
-What, what, what?
(SPEAKS FAUX SWEDISH)
No, no, no.
BEVERLY: Mm-hmm. Oh!
-(SWEDISH CHEF GRUNTING)
-MARINA: Oh.
(BEVERLY TRILLS)
-Well, how do we top that?
-(SWEDISH CHEF PANTING)
Whoa Whoa! Chef! Chef!
-(WHIMPERING)
-Oh!
-(THUD)
-Oh.
Well, that is how the meatball bounces.
Or not. (LAUGHS)
Well, I leave it up to you, dear viewers,
Marina's dainty delights
-or Chef's mighty mouthful.
-(SWEDISH CHEF GRUNTS)
As host, I must remain impartial.
Oh.
(MUFFLED GROANING)
-Well, thank you so much, Marina.
-(CHUCKLES)
And thank you, Chef.
And thank you, dear viewers.
(GRUNTS)
Oh, my.
(SCOOTER GROANS)
SCOOTER: What is my life?
ANNOUNCER: Welcome to
Mup Close and Personal,
where comedian Fozzie Bear talks shop
with fellow comic Seth Rogen.
Everyone tells me
I look just like today's guest.
But I gotta say,
I bear-ly see the resemblance!
Ah Please welcome funny man Seth Rogen!
Hi, Fozzie. Thanks for having me.
You know, first I wanna talk about
(BABY 1 BABBLES)
Oh, dear.
-(BABY 1 GASPING)
-Sorry. Sorry, Seth. I
I forgot it's It's my turn to babysit.
They're super adorable.
-FOZZIE: Yes, they are cute, aren't they?
-Wow, yes, very cute.
-Don't let them distract us.
-No, not at all.
Continue like they're not even here.
-Great. Perfect.
-Okay. So
It's the best way to take care of babies,
pretend they're not here.
Just ignore them. Um
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
No, don't Those are my
That's my card! That's my card.
-Those are my questions for Seth.
-(BABY 1 WAILS)
(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
What?
I spent a lot of time
-BABY 2: Rogen.
-Oh, no.
-BABY 2: Rogen.
-What is that?
-It seems to be poison.
-BABY 2: Rogen.
-Poison? Get
-Should I take it away?
Please. Yes, you should. You should.
(BABY 2 WAILING)
-Oh, dear.
-He wants it.
FOZZIE: Oh, no. No, we're fine.
(BABY 2 CONTINUES WAILING)
Do I give it back to him?
FOZZIE: No poison for you!
-BABY 2: I want it.
-No! No, you cannot have poison.
-He really seems to want it.
-Don't give it to him, though.
-Okay.
-Please.
-I'm not a father.
-Please--
-I'm not good with kids.
-Okay, well
-You don't wanna give kids poison.
-Okay.
-Don't give them poison.
-Yes.
-Don't give them poison. Okay.
-Um, oh, boy.
-Oh, no.
-I don't know. It says
-He's running with scissors now.
-What are you doing? No!
-Give me those. Give me those.
-(CHUCKLES) Yeah, that's
These are very poorly behaved children.
-Just so you know.
-(SIGHS) I didn't know he could walk.
-He was running. He was literally running.
-I know, I'm impressed.
Well, it is pretty impressive.
Okay, so what is
the most important thing about
-And it's They bit off that part.
-They bit off I don't know.
-What do you think it was?
-Comedy?
-Okay.
-Okay.
What is the most important thing
about comedy?
That it's funny.
I like that.
-It's a good, solid answer.
-Good answer.
-Hard to argue.
-Yeah.
You know, I have Kermit to thank
for bringing all the Muppets together.
Is Judd Apatow sort of like
your Kermit the Frog?
Yeah, Judd was the first person
who gave me a real job.
-And I'd done stand-up comedy, like you.
-Yes.
And then, uh,
Judd gave me my first acting job.
-(BABY 2 SNEEZING)
-Oh, God! He's sneezing on me!
BABY 2: Rogen.
-Viscous slime.
-BABY 2: Rogen.
You started very young as a comic.
That baby knows one word
and it's "Rogen,"
which is super weird, I would like to say.
FOZZIE: It is. You should be very proud.
I guess, I'm a little freaked out by that.
You have that much stature--
That baby should not be
that familiar with my work. (CHUCKLES)
-Yes, it's true.
-BABY 2: Rogen.
(CHUCKLES) That's weird.
You started very young as a comic.
I did, yes, when I was 13.
Did you always want to be a comedian?
I did, yeah. As soon as I
As early as I can remember, uh, learning
that you could be funny for a living,
I wanted to do that for a living.
You actually make a living doing this?
-Yes, I do, it's shocking. I know.
-That's my dream.
BABY 2: Rogen.
Hi, Rogen, Hi, I'm Rogen. I'm Rogen.
-(SNEEZES)
-Oh, God.
Do you have any comic heroes
who influenced you?
Yeah, Bill Murray is someone
I really like and grew up really loving.
I grew up watching you, Fozzie,
to be honest.
-Me?
-Yeah.
I really look up to you.
Not your babysitting skills,
if I'm being 100% transparent with you.
This one's inches away from a candle,
so that's probably not a good idea.
-Yeah, probably should move that.
-(WAILS)
They like this stuff so much.
-I don't know what it is.
-Don't play with fire.
Who taught them to like
this dangerous stuff?
-(CONTINUES WAILING)
-I don't know. I don't know.
-Prob Oh, no.
-Guys.
-I'm trying to interview him.
-It's a lot to keep track--
FOZZIE: No! He's falling!
Back on the floor.
-Stay.
-They keep climbing back up.
-Um
-They seem to like it.
-Yeah, well, you know--
-Rogen.
I really don't like how they call me
by my last name. Oh, no!
FOZZIE: Is he okay?
He's fine.
-He's moving.
-I think.
Um
Oh, my Now they're holding swords
and knives and stuff like that.
-No! No, no, guys, guys!
-They're fighting with them. Babies, no!
No, baby!
-No!
-BABY 2: Seth Rogen.
-These are not funny.
-You don't wanna say a baby's bad,
-but these are bad babies.
-They're bad.
-I know.
-They're just bad. They're not good.
They've been parented poorly.
Probably not babysat very well either.
-(CHUCKLES) No.
-(FOZZIE SIGHS)
-I think we've done our best, honestly.
-Yeah.
At a certain point,
we cannot take responsibility for this.
-It's true.
-Yeah.
(BABIES YAWNING)
-Looks like they're getting tired.
-Yeah.
I just have one more question.
-You do a lot more than what--
-(BABIES CRYING)
-Could you be a little quieter?
-Sorry, sorry, sorry!
-Finally going to sleep!
-I know.
-What are you doing? Quiet.
-Gotta be more quiet.
-Dada Rogen.
-I am not your father, child.
(SOFTLY) You do a lot more
than make people laugh.
(SOFTLY) Uh-huh.
-You write.
-Yes.
-Produce.
-I do, yes.
-Direct.
-Mm-hmm.
-You do charity work.
-I do, yes.
I saw you're even
making your own flower vases now.
I am. Yes, I started doing pottery.
-Do you have your own kiln?
-No, I would like one.
But I'm afraid
I'm gonna burn my house down.
Yeah. Well, Seth, I think we're done here.
Thank you so much for sitting down.
-Thank you.
-Yeah.
-What do I do about
-Um, looks like they're out now.
-Yes.
-I'm gonna pop out for a little bit.
-All right.
-I think they should stay asleep now.
-Okay, great.
-Yeah, so
-I'll stay here.
-Thank you again.
-Yeah.
-Okay.
(BABIES SNORING)
(BABY 2 SMACKING LIPS)
Milk.
SETH: Naw.
Milk.
Please support our campaign
to buy Scooter a better computer.
Listen, I don't mind
being fashionably late,
but all this waiting for his computer
to buffer, it's ridiculous!
I'm not gonna complain
but it's really more of a router issue.
Thank you.
Mm-kay. Well, things are looking up!
First, I'd like to thank
our wonderful sponsor, Leakey Bucket.
I can barely contain my excitement
about this product.
But if I could, I would use one of these.
Leakey Bucket.
All others just pail in comparison.
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)
Treat yourself
to a heaping helping of moi!
I can barely move my face.
Deadly, this is so tight!
-Well, what do you want me to do about it?
-I don't know. Something.
(MISS PIGGY GRUNTING)
Would you like me to assist you
with today's Tips from the Top?
(SIGHS)
(MUFFLED GRUNT)
Get that pedicure you've been putting off.
(GRUNTS)
Let us begin.
(WHIRRING AND CRACKLING)
Treat yourself.
Okay, I've been traveling
for the last 27 hours straight,
but here's your uni temaki
straight from Osaka.
But they got about three minutes left
before it spoils.
Ooh, bad timing.
Unless liquified, she can't eat it.
-(MUFFLED GRUNTING)
-Uh-uh-uh.
And neither can you. Boop.
-Just relax. Take a nice
-(MOANS)
A nice nap.
Yes, Taye, I'd love to.
I just (MUMBLES)
Pizza.
-Let's call it a day, shall we?
-(SNORES)
Looking to indulge yourself?
Don't fret. I'm here to bail you out.
Much like Leakey Bucket.
All others just pail in comparison.
Oh, brother. Did somebody
actually get paid to write this?
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Today, Miss Piggy tries a fish foot spa
-with Taye Diggs.
-Yeah.
What? Oh, no, no. I am not having creepy
fish fingers rubbing all over my feet.
Two things.
Number one, fish don't have fingers.
And number two, it's actually fish lips
as they nibble your feet, exfoliating--
Yeah, that's even worse!
No, thanks. What else you got?
Snail facials.
Excuse moi?
Snail slime contains
proteins, antioxidants,
and hyaluronic acid
which rejuvenates your skin.
-I've always wanted to try the--
-Next!
UNCLE DEADLY: All right, then.
Shall I uncap
the bird dropping skin cream?
The what, what, what, what, what, what?
I'm told the enzymes are divine!
What about a nice, simple massage?
That was to be the grand finale!
But let's just skip right to it, shall we?
Today's snake massage will activate
endorphins in your body--
Snake massage?
What is it with all these
creepy animal beauty treatments?
Is this all for real?
These treatments are
all for real, Miss Piggy.
And it appears, they are all offended.
What? Oh!
-(SNAKE HISSING)
-(SNAIL CHITTERING)
-(MISS PIGGY SCREAMING)
-(SQUELCHING)
-(MISS PIGGY GRUNTING)
-(SLOSHING)
Can I go next?
Today we are talking
about how to treat yourself.
-Welcome Esther, Mary.
-Moo!
Can't tell which of you is which name.
And as always, Linda Cardellini. Welcome!
-Hi, Piggy!
-Let's start with,
what is your favorite way
to spoil yourself?
-I can't hear nothing.
-You have to just turn up the volume.
-Yeah, just
-I can't hear you what you say.
-Turn up the volume!
-(MOOING)
I spoil myself with
Leakey Bucket.
All others just pail in
-I cannot do it. I cannot do this anymore.
-What? What do you mean?
-But they're paying you to do it.
-MISS PIGGY: No!
-But they are paying you.
-It doesn't matter how much.
-I What?
-I can't do this anymore!
Why she throw the bucket?
All right, then.
-Oh, dear goodness. All right, then.
-MISS PIGGY: Stupid bucket.
-We'll continue on.
-Get over here!
Felicia from Sydney queries
MISS PIGGY: I am a luxury brand!
A bucket is not on-brand for me!
UNCLE DEADLY: "I want to spoil my friends
with something. Any ideas?"
-I've got one.
-Not a bucket!
-How--
-That's for sure!
You could make them something.
-Yes. Or maybe a candle.
-(MOOS)
-(BUCKET CLANGS)
-Ow! Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.
Well, I believe that this segment
-has really kicked the bucket.
-Oh, my
-Thanks to Linda Cardellini
-My foot!
-Thank you.
-for indulging us
and the rest of you.
-(MISS PIGGY GRUNTING)
-Anyway. Thank you for watching.
I hope you enjoyed it
as much as we (SIGHS)
All right.
This bucket is indestructible.
This is a really good bucket.
Who makes these things anyhow?
ROBIN: Oh, hi, guys.
We're live with Scooter who just finished
the last upload of Muppets Now for now.
Let's all say "thanks" to Scooter.
Aw! Well, that is so nice, Robin.
Thank you.
Oh! Hey! Lots of people
have questions, Scooter.
If you wanna go into live chat mode
Oh, okay. Yes, there we go. Um
-So it is Yeah, ask away.
-(CAT MEOWING)
-(LAUGHS)
-Whatever questions you got,
I'm here to answer them.
Oh, I think you went into
live cat mode by mistake.
SCOOTER: Wha
What is live cat?
Does it say live cat?
-What does that mean?
-ROBIN: Wait! Don't change it back!
-Everyone loves this!
-SCOOTER: Live cat? Hello?
ROBIN: I'm sorry
to tell you this, Scooter.
Our crowd funding fell short of its goal.
SCOOTER: Nothing good is happening.
ROBIN: But you can't put a price
on this kind of love.
-Right, Scooter?
-(CATS MEOWING AND PURRING)