Murphy Brown s01e06 Episode Script

Another teddy bear! Murphy, what did you do, clean out Toys"R"Us? Wait a minute.
I didn't just buy toys.
I got her some books too.
The Cat in the Hat.
Make Way for Ducklings.
Women Who Love Men Too Much.
If somebody had had the foresight to give this to you Murphy, I gotta tell you I know our mothers said this, I know pregnant women always say this but this you gotta try, this is the greatest.
No, thanks.
I wear very expensive shoes and I like to see them.
Come on, now, don't tell me you've never even thought about it? Sure, I've thought about it.
But what kind of mother would I be? The phone rings and I'm on a midnight flight to the Sudan.
What if my kids wound up hating me? What if they wrote a book about me and it got made into a movie and Loni Anderson played me? It's very scary stuff, Lisa.
Murphy, how long have we known each other? I want you to look me in the eye and tell me you never wanted a baby.
Hey, Eldin! How are you doing? Having a good day? Yeah.
Oh, got a great idea for a mural in your bathroom.
Presidents with beards.
Lisa, I want you to meet Eldin Bernecky.
He's working here.
Forever.
Hi, Eldin.
Nice to meet you.
I see you've got a bun in the oven.
Women are so attractive when they're pregnant.
You know, it's not too late for you.
Buy yourself a couple of tube tops maybe you'll get lucky.
- What? What? - Oh, no, it's okay.
Katey just kicked.
- Murph, you've got to feel this.
- Get away.
- Come on, just put your hand right there.
- Maybe later.
Hey, wait.
Can I try? - They're clean.
Clean.
- Sure.
Hello, Katey.
My name is Eldin.
I'll bet you have a beautiful smile.
- She kicks good for a girl.
- Move it, Eldin.
Let me see.
Jeez, look how late it's gotten.
I gotta go.
Let me help you with this stuff.
- You have a car outside? - Oh, yeah, thanks.
Women Who Love Men Too Much.
Must've been written by a chick with a big butt.
- I gotta get my coat on.
- Yeah, okay.
- Murph, I need my stomach back.
- One minute.
- Get your own! - It was your idea.
That was incredible! Yeah.
Look, Murphy, I know what you can do to people who rag on you about something.
So if I'm willing to risk this, it must be pretty important.
Murphy, do not miss this experience.
Or you'll regret it till the day you die.
Excuse me, am I in the right place? I'm looking for the Meridian Hill Cryobank.
You found it.
Cryobank.
Well, I guess that's better than having "sperm bank" plastered across your business cards.
I have an appointment.
My name is Martha Reeves.
Wait a minute.
You are that person on television.
Mary.
Mary Brown.
No, Margaret Brown.
Marcia.
- Murphy.
- Murphy Brown.
Yes! - Hi, I'm Sheila Michaels.
- Hi.
What on earth are you doing here? Researching a story.
And I was wondering for my story Many women, about 40, with no particular man in their lives yet wanting to know what it's like to have a baby and have decided that adoption is certainly an option for the future but would first like to experience childbirth if they can probably come here, right? Right.
Then you're saying it's not that unusual.
That there's something actually efficient I left it with the technician.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Harvard Law School, never had a cavity.
Think about it.
Hello, Miss Brown! You're slouching again.
Shouldn't do that, pretty girl like you.
I'll be in my office.
Hold my calls.
Hello, Mr.
Silverberg.
My, don't you look so very grown-up in your nice blazer? Thank you.
Is Murphy in? Oh, yes.
But she doesn't wanna be bothered.
She just got back from the sperm bank.
People.
Obviously Murphy is working on a story.
I didn't assign her any story like that.
Come on, now.
We're talking about Murphy.
This is a woman who wrote a letter to the airline, suggesting that children fly cargo.
Yes, but we all know the cold, hard facts.
Murphy's eggs are getting old.
If she's trying to get pregnant, this could seriously affect the show.
Miles, go in there and see what's going on.
Oh, sure.
The last time I asked her a personal question she told Earl in the mailroom I wanted him.
For what? Cute, but too many allergies.
Can't dance.
Low SATs.
Mother problems.
- Hi, you busy? - Oh, no, not really.
Listen, I'm playing my sax tonight over in that little club in Georgetown.
I was asked to sit in.
I could use a pal in the audience.
- You're on.
- Great.
Got time for dinner first? I found a really good new Chinese place, with the most incredible Mu shu shrimp with lemon sauce.
- Scooped me again.
- Give it up, Murph, you know I'm the best.
What time do you want me to pick you up? Murph? Why are you looking at me like that? You know, Frank, I'm really glad we're pals.
- Did I ever tell you that? - Gee, that's really nice.
I mean, we have so much in common.
We're in the same line of work, we have the same politics we both got thrown out of EST.
Every year the friendship seems to grow.
Don't you think so? Yeah.
- Frank, I wanna ask you something.
- What? - It's a favor.
- So ask me.
It's a big favor.
Oh, come on, Murphy.
You wanna borrow my Junior Walker album again.
I don't know.
- You already put a big scratch - I want you to father my child.
Excuse me? I wanna have a baby, Frank.
I need a father.
I think it could work.
This is a joke, right? I know what you're thinking.
It's a little unorthodox, but You wanna have sex with me? Is that what you're saying? Is it? You wanna have sex with me? Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Frank, please! I don't wanna have sex with you.
I'm talking about fertilizing an egg.
We don't even have to be in the same room.
Oh, this is too weird.
Look, Murph, I think we should forget dinner tonight.
Just listen to me a minute, okay? For a long time now, I've felt like I was 23 and if I wanted a baby, it was my choice.
Suddenly, I'm 40 and all my options are disappearing.
I don't wanna feel like I've missed something, like I made a mistake.
- Don't you ever think about this, Frank? - Yes.
But it doesn't involve you, Murphy.
You're my best friend.
We're pals! That's why this is so perfect.
We'll be pals forever.
No divorce.
No custody battles.
Our kid will be well-traveled.
And smart.
And funny.
And a good public speaker.
I don't believe that two sane people are having this conversation.
How long are you gonna wait? When are either of us ever in one place long enough to meet someone? The most enduring relationship we have is with the skycap at Dulles Airport.
Come on.
Don't you want someone to carry the gene for that perfect fallaway jump shot of yours? It's the way I arch my wrists.
You can't just teach that.
Don't wait until you're so old the kid has to spot you 20 points.
I gotta go, Murph.
My hair is falling out.
Just promise me you'll think about it.
Think about it carefully.
- I need to know in two days.
- Oh, my God.
- That's when I'm fertile.
- Oh, my God! Miles, have you seen Frank? I've been looking for him all day.
I haven't seen him since yesterday.
- Jim, have you seen Frank? - Can't say that I have, Murphy.
I saw him this morning in the parking lot, sitting in his car all alone.
Just sitting there.
Sitting and sitting Okay, thanks.
I almost forgot to tell you! The fertility clinic called.
They can take your partner tomorrow, if you have one yet.
You don't think Frank is involved in this, do you? At this point, anything's possible.
The office is no place for stuff like this, Miles.
How are we supposed to concentrate on our jobs? He's right.
I've seen what can happen when this sort of thing pervades the workplace.
Performance suffers.
Facts go unchecked.
Then before you know it, there's a "name the baby" pool.
I never win those things.
Might as well throw my 2 dollars right out the window.
Murphy, could I talk to you privately? - It's really not a good time for me, Carl.
- I just want you to remember this.
I'm a modern-thinking guy.
These things often take time.
"Stamina" is my middle name.
I'll remember that, Carl.
Finally got out of your car, Mr.
Fontana? - Carl.
- Frank.
- Murphy.
- Frank.
Can I talk to you a sec? - Are you all right? - No.
For the past 48 hours, I have been going crazy.
Babies.
Babies.
They're everywhere.
Have you noticed that? In the park.
In the supermarket.
At the basketball game, I saw this guy with his kid sitting on his shoulders wearing this little Bullets T-shirt, calling him "Daddy.
" I couldn't take my eyes off him.
I never would've even noticed two days ago! Now it's all I think about.
I tried to shake myself out of it.
I pictured melted crayons on my dashboard and lollipops stuck in my chest hair.
I ended up smiling.
I tried braces and chickenpox and stupid drawings all over the refrigerator.
Smiling.
Frank, what are you saying? I'm saying that two days ago I thought that this was the most outrageous idea I'd ever heard.
Today, it makes perfect sense.
Two friends bringing a child into the world, caring for it Oh, Frank this is so great.
We're going to be parents! I know! It's incredible.
Unbelievable.
You and me and Maria if it's a girl and Anthony if it's a boy.
We'll talk.
- So, what do we do now? - I've got the whole thing organized.
I already made an appointment for you at the fertility clinic.
Noon tomorrow.
- I go in at 2.
- That's it, huh? Jeez, all those Saturdays with Mr.
Wizard, he never covered this.
Yeah.
So, Phil, how are your kids these days? Not in the hospital, not in jail.
I'd have to say they're doing fine.
You love to kid about them but I bet you have great memories from when they were young.
One time, little Phil kicked the car out of gear tore a hole right through the dining room.
I guess I was thinking about those smaller moments.
Taking their first steps, teaching them how to read.
How many times can you read someone Horton Hears a Who and still respect yourself? Close the door! - So how did it go? - Not good.
What? What do you mean, "not good"? What does that mean? - There's a problem.
- What do you mean, "there's a problem"? - What kind of problem? - Look, a lot of men have this, Murphy.
It's not unusual.
And it's probably temporary.
It's nothing to do with me as a man per se who has had many dates, several relationships and no complaints ever.
Frank, just tell me what it is! - I have decreased motility.
- What? I can't hear you.
I said, I have decreased motility.
- Decreased motility?! - Why don't you take out an ad.
What is that, Frank, what is it? Sperm are swimmers, Murphy, and I don't have a Mark Spitz in the bunch.
Oh, no, Frank.
It's probably not permanent.
This kind of thing happens to a man when he's under a lot of stress, when he's been crossing a lot of time zones messing up his body clock.
- What are we gonna do? There are two alternatives.
One is to wait a few months.
Maybe the situation will improve, maybe not.
The other is to proceed by doing it the regular way.
You mean have actual contact? Sperm get inspired in their natural environment.
- Oh, God.
- I know.
How much do we wanna do this? I keep thinking of taking little Anthony to his first ball game.
Frank, we can't have a child named "Little Anthony"! Murphy, would you stick to the subject.
Now, what are we gonna do here? I don't know.
I already bought her first pair of Italian shoes.
And little socks with rhinestones.
I think it's worth a try, but only if you do.
I wouldn't pressure you.
I think it's worth it too.
Okay, we'll just be practical about this.
We'll just commit to it.
We'll do it tonight.
My place or yours? Yours.
I didn't make my bed today.
Bed.
I said, bed.
I'm sorry.
It's all right.
We'll get through this.
We will.
Now I think it's important that we get on about our day and just act natural.
No one will ever have to know but us.
Well, if it isn't Secretariat.
- Can I get you a drink? Did you have dinner? - Oh, no, I'm fine.
Yeah, I grabbed a bite on the way over.
I had a roast beef sandwich.
Some lettuce.
Mustard.
- Horseradish on the side.
- Of course.
You gotta have that.
Some coleslaw.
This is very awkward, but, you know, it's great that we can admit it's awkward.
Right.
It's so much easier when you're not going through that horrible thing of wondering if the other person is noticing it too.
Yeah, I know, I hate that.
So - I guess we should get started, huh? - Guess so.
Do you think we should kiss? - Why not? If that's okay with you.
- Sure.
I was thinking we could hyphenate its last name.
- What? - You know.
Brown-Fontana.
- Or Fontana-Brown.
- I hadn't really thought about it.
- But that's okay with me.
- Good.
- Religion.
- What? We've never discussed our beliefs specifically in terms of raising a child.
Where do you stand on Nietzsche? Oh, Nietzsche, now I'm hot.
Come on, Murph.
What are you doing? Are you chickening out on me? Is that what you think? I'm not chickening out.
I can do this.
Okay, let's go.
- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.
Are you bleeding? - No, I don't think so.
It was my fault.
- I didn't expect you to move.
That was nice.
You're just saying that.
I can do better.
I can't seem to relax my lips.
Are you gonna talk during this whole thing? I know some women like to do that, but it's always bothered me.
Okay, let's go.
I've got an idea.
Let's turn on some music.
We play it really loud and then we can turn off all the lights in the house so that it's really dark and we can't see anything.
That's worked for me before.
This is no good.
Okay, so it's tricky.
We knew that.
But I think, basically, it's a good plan.
Murph, I hate to ask this, but do you have anything with black lace? I think it would help me.
Frank, you'll hate me forever, but I can't go through with this.
Don't do this to me, Murph, I'm ready.
Not this second.
But I'm ready for a kid.
I'm sorry, Frank.
It's just that there's this side of me that keeps coming out.
I try to squelch it, but it just doesn't work sometimes.
I have this image of me in a wedding dress and there's bridesmaids and flower girls.
There's this great guy standing at the end of the aisle - This is frightening.
- Wait, it gets worse.
There's a harpist.
I know.
It's not me.
It'll never be me.
But maybe if I wait just a little while there's still a chance I could have a baby with someone I love.
- Well, thanks.
Thanks a lot.
- No, Frank, that's not what I meant.
Look, I didn't know this was going to happen, but admit it, you're a little relieved.
Yeah, just a little.
- You've got time.
- Yeah, I've got a lot of time.
Guys can make babies well into their 50s.
Shut up, Frank.
- You're great.
- You'll never know.
- It would've been some kid.
- I agree with you there.
Hey, what do you think it would've been like if we'd? You mean, if we'd actually? - I kiss so much better than that.
- I move around more and close my eyes.
It never leaves this room.
Ever.