S#*! My Dad Says s01e06 Episode Script

Ready for it? Here it comes.
This is ridiculous.
And three, two, one - This is ridiculous.
- And why? - $4 for a cup of coffee.
- And the last time you paid Last time I paid $4 for something this bitter, I was bargaining down an east German hooker.
Poor Jennifer Aniston.
She has to have coffee every Thursday with her angry father-in-law and her brother-in-law, who coughs because he thinks it's covering up the sound of him farting.
Oh, wait, that's not Jennifer Aniston.
That's me.
Jennifer Aniston is canoodling with a handsome stranger in St.
Barts.
I don't know who this Jennifer Aniston is, but she sounds annoying.
Oh, wait, that's you too.
I really do love her.
She gets to have this exciting life.
She travels, she has all these glamorous friends.
Oh, stop complaining, your life is plenty glamorous.
Mm, sure hope this tea settles my stomach.
It's like the three meats from my sandwich are having a cage match in there.
That's better.
Henry, take a look at that sign.
Read it for me, I can't see it from here.
It says "help wanted.
" Help wanted! What do ya know about that! It's as if they were willing to pay for somebody to help.
Sounds like a job to me.
Dad, I am doing everything I can to get a job.
In fact, I have a meeting with Mission Valley Weekly.
I'm going to pitch them some articles.
Do they pay for the pitch? - No, but - Not a job.
Slinging coffee, that's a job.
Selling overpriced condos, that's a job.
Giving $4 worth of German love to lonely sailors, that's a job.
You don't have a job.
I bet you I have one by the end of the day.
- And if you don't? - Then I'll sling coffee.
Or give love to sailors.
So basically, dog parks are the new singles bars.
Ooh.
You know what I like about that? Nothing.
But in all fairness, there's a reason I don't like it.
It sucks.
What else you got? Okay um, turf wars between San Diego surfers.
I call it surf wars.
Well, now you're on to nothing.
Next.
Okay, so with everything going on with health care these days People are actually sneaking into Mexico I'm sorry, is this not interesting to you? No, it's great.
Keep going.
Well, anyway people are sneaking back into Mexico because, ironically, the price of health care in this country is and prohibitively their H.
M .
their H.
M.
O.
is Please stop talking.
I'm dead.
Who's that? The boredom police? No, it's my dad.
It's nothing, I'm sorry.
I thought it was on silent.
Um, anyway, all right, I have this other idea about iPads and how they Dickey, sorry to interrupt.
There's a guy on the phone, says it's an emergency.
- Oh, please don't be my dad.
- His name is Ed Goodson.
He says his son is here.
- Do not put him through.
- Put him through.
Thank you.
Hey schmuck-face, did you run a load of laundry for one pair of underwear? Yeah.
Dad, kind of in a meeting.
Who do you think you are? The Queen of England? You don't run an entire load of laundry for one pair of underwear.
And why does it say "home of the whopper?" I changed your diaper.
That's false advertising.
Dad, please.
So I've taken the liberty of siphoning off all of the water from the washing machine.
That water is now your water supply for the rest of the week.
You can use it to bathe in, eat, anything you wish.
Good luck in your meeting.
And I have made a delicious ratatouille and couscous.
Dinner's at 5:00.
- So that's your dad? - Yeah.
Okay, first of all, don't do my thing.
And second, you live with him? Yeah, for now.
I lost my job, and the economy sucks.
A lot of people are moving back home.
You're right.
We could do a trend piece.
I like that.
Write that.
Write what? Guy in his 20s moves back in with his dad.
It's current.
And besides, he's really funny.
He's really not "ha ha" funny.
He's more "ow, you really hurt my feelings" funny.
Go, write it.
Get out of here.
And when you get a chance, get out of here.
All right, are you sure? Because I 2,000 words, 50 cents a word.
Gonna be on your desk in the morning.
Vince, what are we doing here? I don't know.
You were saying your life isn't very glamorous, so I thought we'd go and get drinks at a place Jennifer Aniston might go to if she found $38 in one of her wife's old purses.
You're so sweet.
And I don't mean to complain, it's just sometimes I wish our life was more exciting.
You know, our friends more interesting.
Like, if we ran in the same circles as people who claim to read the New Yorker.
Ugh! I hate the New Yorker.
What is the point of a magazine that does not have sudoku? - Mm.
- Hey! Honey, look at this.
We're in a bar that gives away cheddar combos gratis.
And this is latin for cheese plus pretzel equals awesome.
Hmm.
Hey, can I get two kir royal please? Oh, oh, my God.
Vince Do you remember those realtors? Samson and Chloe Van Der-something-Danish.
They were on the cover of San Diego magazine a couple of months ago.
I remember eating a danish.
- That's them.
- Who, the hottie? And the redhead? Yes.
We should be friends with people like them.
That would really be a bump from coach to business.
- Yoo-hoo.
- Wh What are you doing? Well, now they're gonna come over here.
And we smell like our car.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Do we know you? - Uh, ish.
My name is Bonnie Goodson, and this this is my husband, Vince.
And we also work in high-end real estate.
- Combo? - They're gratis.
No, thank you.
I'm Chloe, and this is Samson.
Uh Uh, we know.
We know.
So what are you guys doing here? - A special occasion? - No, no, this place just got a great write-up in the New Yorker.
Oh.
I love the New Yorker.
What about you guys? Little Bon-Bon here's been down in the dumps and I had 38 large just burning a hole in the dockers, so I figured, you know, what the heck? You only live once, right? Oh, that! Look at that! I found a double.
There we go.
Be better.
- Well, nice meeting you.
- Okay.
We think you're great.
Excuse me? Bonnie here thinks you're the kind of people that we should be hanging out with.
Well, what are you guys doing Saturday night for dinner? - They have a great restaurant here.
- It's our favorite place.
They have an olive garden here? Why am I on their mailing list if they don't tell me these things? Mailing list? You're hilarious.
Okay, so Saturday night at 8:00? That sounds great.
We'll be there.
This is so cool.
We have a date with the Van Der-somethings.
Grabs my ass.
I'll tell you what the deadliest catch is.
Syphilis.
Now that's a show.
Hello, you've reached the Goodsons.
- Neither Ed, nor - Henry.
I know your name, schmuck-face.
Henry, it's Dickey.
Love the article.
Your dad is hilarious.
"it smells like a Cambodian whorehouse in here.
" Blah, blah.
Vietnam.
I can't do it justice.
I suck at impressions.
Call me.
Henry! Get your ass down here.
Okay They should not have charged us for that channel, dad.
I just wanted to watch the preview, up to the part where the cheerleaders find out the meaning of the word "tryout.
" Did you write an article about me? I wrote an article about me living with you.
- Am I in it? - Yes.
You are the you part.
The magazine just called and said they loved it.
- That's fantastic.
- No, it's not.
I didn't give you permission to write anything about me.
The article's really about me and how I had to move back home with my dad.
Well, that's not gonna happen.
You gotta get them to pull that article.
They're paying me $1,000, dad.
This is a big break for me.
I don't care if they're paying you $1,000.
They gotta pull that story.
You tell me to get a job, and I got one - doing something I'm good at.
- I told you to get a real job.
- This is a real job! - No, it's not.
You're exploiting me.
I'm not some 11-year-old in China making blue jeans for Kathie Lee Gifford.
Besides, you probably made up half that crap anyway.
Dad, I can't make this stuff up.
You actually cleaned my room with a leaf blower.
I didn't clean it.
I open the window, and I blow a tumbleweed of pubic hair into the neighbor's backyard.
See, this is the stuff I write about because I live here.
Well, maybe we can change that.
What is your problem? - It's just an article.
- It's not an article.
It's an embarrassment.
- What's so embarrassing? - You come off looking funny.
Not funny.
Funny is when a guy gets hit in the nuts with a wiffle ball bat.
Then why are you embarrassed? I don't want all of san diego to know that I'm I've got a 26-year-old son who still has to live with his father at home.
Wow.
Okay.
I'm sorry I'm such an embarrassment, dad.
You wanna kill the article, do it yourself.
I'm gonna go find a job.
Maybe something that doesn't embarrass you.
And for the record, I'm 27.
Which says more about your thing than it does mine, so just forget I said that.
So you're saying it's about surfers who have turf wars over the waves, and you're calling it surf wars? You know what my problem with that is? Nothing.
I love it.
Get out of here.
Go write.
We'll meet over drinks.
- Mr.
Todd? - I prefer Dickey.
Your personal life is none of my concern.
- My name is Ed Goodson and I - Wait, wait, wait.
Wait, wait, you're Ed Goodson? - Yes.
- Oh, my God.
Ed Goodson.
Ed Goodson is here.
Ah, it is a pleasure to meet you.
Come on, insult me, and use an obscure military reference.
What? I want my article back.
What do you mean you want it back? - It's fantastic.
- What difference does it make? The articles are just filler between ads for hookers and boob jobs.
Boom! E-bomb! Telling it like it is.
Listen, I love you.
I get you.
I want a pull-string doll of you.
But I'm running the story.
Listen, uh, Dickey.
Let me ask you something.
Did anybody ever publish something about you - that was embarrassing? - Are you kidding? Google my name, I'll give you a dollar if you can find a picture of me with my clothes on.
Then you know exactly how I feel.
But the article isn't embarrassing.
- Have you read it? - No.
Well, then how do you know it's embarrassing? I just know.
Dickey - Do you have a father? - Everyone has a father.
My guess is that you're not very close.
Is that a good guess, Dickey? No, I mean we're very distant.
But he's disappointed you, hasn't he? Maybe a little.
We don't talk very much.
I want you to think of me as your dad right now.
Call me big Dickey.
What do you want? - Speak up.
- What do you want, big Dickey? I want you to give this nice man back his article.
Okay.
I'll tell you what.
I will not run the article until you've read it.
And if after you've read it, you don't want me to run it, - I won't.
- Thank you.
You're a very good boy, little Dickey.
So then, I put my pants back on and I said, "oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was my buddy's apartment.
" And then I decided not to press charges, and we started dating.
- You guys are a riot.
- I know.
And how about the cleavage on this one, right? Thank you.
I just can't believe I can't believe our paths haven't crossed before.
I thought we knew everyone in the high-end market.
Well, actually, I have a confession to make.
We don't sell high-end homes.
- We sell high-end condos.
- Yeah.
And by high-end, she means low-end.
- Low.
Low.
- Very low.
I just told you that to impress you.
The truth is we just think you're fantastic, and you're the kind of people we wanna be friends with.
So you just said that to impress us, huh? Vince, I assume you didn't really eat 25 hot dogs in one sitting, either? Hmm? No.
No, I didn't.
It was 29.
I thought 25 was a much cooler number, and you guys just seemed so cool.
I love it! It's so refreshing to have honest friends.
Oh, that's so sweet.
She called us friends.
Okay, I have an idea.
Let's all tell each other something that we've told nobody else.
Honey, great idea.
You first, Vince.
Okay.
It was 32 hot dogs.
Bonnie.
Uh, um okay.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe I'm about to tell you guys this.
Okay, one time I left a pharmacy with a bottle of nail polish in my pocket that I might not have paid for.
I'm so bad! I'm so bad! You guys go.
Go, go, go.
Okay, okay, okay, okay.
Um, okay.
We might have killed a guy in Cabo this past Christmas.
Uh, excuse me, miss.
"Might have"? Okay, wait.
Sorry.
We might have killed him when we drove over him, but we definitely killed him when we backed up.
Hey.
Wouldn't happen to have a $4 cup of coffee by any chance, would you? I can't talk right now, dad.
I'm working.
I got a job.
Your name tag says, "If I'm not smiling, your drink is free.
" I read your article.
I really don't care what you think.
Okay, fine.
What'd you think? Don't tell me.
Did you like it? I don't wanna know! Oh, my God, you hated it.
What was wrong with the article? Don't tell me.
Did you like it? I don't wanna know.
I came here to tell you that I thought your article was not horrible.
- And? - Intermittently humorous.
So you're not embarrassed by it? It's not Hemingway, but it's short enough to read on the can.
First of all, I'll take that as a compliment, and I don't mean the writing.
I mean, are you still embarrassed that you have a 27-year-old kid living at home? I I I I guess if I had done a better If you'd done a better what? You wouldn't be living at home.
Okay, dad, you have screwed up many different ways.
But this is not because of you.
There's lots of people in this situation, dad.
I don't know, Henry.
Why do you think all these people are hanging out at a coffee shop at this hour? Why does anyone leave the house? To escape their loved ones.
No.
It's because the economy kicked our asses.
All right, Henry, if you need to believe that I'll show you.
Excuse me.
Excuse me, everyone.
I was at a magazine that went under.
Has anyone else lost their job in the last year? And how many of you had to move back home? And how many of you are writers? And how many of you get paid for writing? See, dad? - No one.
- Wrong.
What are you talking about? I told Dickey that it was okay to run with the article.
Here's your check.
I'm a working writer again! All right, settle down.
You didn't cure polio.
Okay, I've got a confession.
I'm thirsty, and I need another drink, and I need my trophy wife to come with me.
Oh, this guy.
Oh, my God, do you believe what they just said? I know.
Do you think they really wanna be friends, or are they just saying that? Bonnie, they killed a man.
Might have.
Honey, these are the coolest people we've ever known.
I mean, can we just overlook that little blip in their past? It wasn't a blip.
It was a bump.
The bump of a man being run over twice by their car.
That is what happens when you live an exciting life.
You come into circumstances where you accidentally kill someone in Cabo! Do you hear yourself right now? Why, do I sound nasally? Oh, I hate my voice.
Bonnie, you are condoning a murder just so that you can sit with the cool crowd.
- Is there no line? - Of course there's a line.
- Okay, well, what is it? - Well, in this case it happens to be the borderline.
And this happened south of it, so I'm okay! We just bumped into some friends at the bar.
You would love them.
Yeah, they're our type of people.
Did you hear that, Vince? "they're our type of people.
" - Go on.
- Well, they own a gallery here and in Los Angeles.
They're big charity people, they travel everywhere, and they're gorgeous.
They're basically the Brad and Angelina of San Diego.
They're perfect.
If they are perfect, they'd be more like Brad and Jen, but Ugh.
You mean Jen "Yawniston"? She's so boring.
I don't blame Brad for leaving her.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
What are you saying? We're not that into her.
Jennifer's little screen pretty, and Angelina is big screen pretty.
You have just messed with the wrong "Faniston.
" So You guys killed a dude.
What's that like? Jennifer aniston is america's sweetheart with a perfect yoga body, and impossibly moist skin that makes her look airbrushed, even in person.
Have you even seen her in person? No, but I've seen pictures of her in person, and they look airbrushed.
Let's go, Vince! Thank you for dinner.
And it was 46 hot dogs.
- The home team has first and ten - in the closing minutes of the - Dad, check this out.
You can flip through the pictures on your phone with your index finger.
Amazing, right? Henry, nobody gives a crap about all the things your phone can do.
You didn't invent it, you bought it.
Any idiot can do that.
Oh, great, you're gonna write that one down now.
Dad, it was one article.
Okay, it's not like I'm gonna make a whole career out of writing down things you say.