My Family (2000) s01e06 Episode Script

You know what puzzles me, Father Conley? The whole concept of death.
Why does it have to be so bloody awful? I mean, if God can do anything, why can't he make it more fun? Wa, I, ha, er (Splutters, murmurs) chhh.
Mm-hm.
Well, I mean, I can understand that argument but instead of suffering, why can't he make it like great sex? Go out with a bang.
(lnhales) Wouldn't cost God any extra, would it? And another thing.
Why does death have to go on and on and on and sex is so short? Doesn't make sense.
Got all His priorities wrong somewhere.
Well, you know what they say, Mr Harper.
God works in mysterious ways His wonders to perform.
Bit of a cop-out, isn't it? If I worked in mysterious ways, I'd be hauled in front of an ethics committee.
At least let me explain the range of treatments available.
I want the cheapest.
But don't you want to see the options so you can weigh up the pros and cons? No, I know your game.
You dentists are all alike.
Smooth-talking me with your sales chatter.
Suddenly I'm forking out a fortune for some pointless bridgework.
You'll probably sap me will with some mind-altering drug.
Yes, that is a thought but To put it in a way even you may understand, there are two choices - expensive and painless or cheap and agonising.
I'm not afraid of pain.
I've had seven children.
- My God, are you mad? - What? Mad about children? You must be.
Let's start with a little X-ray.
No! You're not inflating the cost with useless tests.
Right, I'll get some string, tie it to the tooth, attach it to the door, and with diabolical pleasure, slam it.
- Are you working? - No, this is my hobby.
- What is it? - Your son is on the telephone.
I can't believe you've got children.
No, neither can I.
What's it about? About 50 pounds.
If you want them to unclamp the car.
Tell him I've died, the layabout.
- Doesn't he have a job? - Yes.
Professional irritant.
I think he sounds quite nice.
He's always nice! That's because nothing bothers him.
He's actually happy like that.
Sometimes to comfort myself, I pretend he's retarded.
(Chuckles) Maybe it's your fault.
Cheap and agonising it is.
String, please.
What are you smiling at? Er, this is my look of supreme confidence.
Mr Harper, you seem to have left vast areas blank.
Really? Where? Everything beyond name and address.
Date of birth.
Actually, for a job application, you've got a lot of grey areas.
Next to qualifications I thought you meant qualifications as in strong intuition, unflappable calm under pressure.
Mr Harper, this is an application for sublevel two of the finance ministry of the European Union.
It is reasonable to assume that qualifications means advanced degrees, corporate experience and skill with numbers.
Again, you weren't too clear, you know? - Is that clear enough? - (Laughs) You're just testing my unflappable calm under pressure.
No, I'm not.
Security! Hello.
Is my husband busy? It says here, "Woman gives birth to ten-pound alien.
" - Do you believe that? - Trust me.
From the moment they pop out, they're all aliens.
- So is he in? - On what level? - I don't like your attitude.
- I don't like your moustache.
I'm not sure he's much of a people person.
No, but great legs.
- Busy? - Very.
Liar.
Is Ronnie Peschmuller still with the Foreign Office? - Who? - Sang Waterloo at our wedding.
The only person who sang at our wedding was your father - Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da over and over until your mother had him locked in the car.
Maybe it wasn't our wedding but it was somebody's wedding and we were there.
- So do you remember his number? - Whose? You know, whatshisname.
It's, erm, zero, blank, something, blank, something.
- You're not even trying.
- I'm actually not trying, no.
But why the Foreign Office? It's probably nothing but one of our tour guides took a group of Chinese businessmen to Madame Tussauds.
and only 31 came out.
Apparently, Mr Chen is missing.
- Maybe he's defected.
- Don't be ridiculous.
This is the new millennium.
Everyone's happy.
You've been reading Hello! again.
So, you see my dilemma, don't you? In 15 years, our office has never lost a tourist.
What about the guy at Westminster Abbey? We didn't lose him, he was arrested.
The Americans in the Hampton Court maze? That's the point of a maze, getting lost.
So that doesn't count.
What about the elephant house incident? Er You always look on the negative side, don't you? Well, if you're not gonna help me, I might as well go.
- What do you want for dinner? - Chinese takeaway.
Not funny.
See you later.
Unless you want to give me a lift back to work? Darling, you may have noticed, this is a professional surgery in the middle of a very, very busy day.
Ooh, it's like Piccadilly Circus in here.
Despite your appalling attitude, I am prepared to give you a second chance.
Want that lift? Mum, why can't I have a water bra? - A what? - A water bra, Dad.
- All my friends have them.
- (Susan) Name one.
God, she's got ears like a bat.
Dee, Kelly, Sophie You know Maxine? Bryony, Paula - See Mum, she's stuck.
- Don't get involved.
Would you like me to tell the school you wet the bed? - But I don't.
- Who would they believe? Ooh, I warned you.
So, Dad, you think I can have one, don't you? What? A water bra? A bra, with water? Considering most of your mates have pins in every appendage, I would have thought that was a dodgy piece of attire.
So is that a yes? - It's a "no comment".
- Dad says I can.
No, he didn't and if he did, he was wrong.
Why not be happy with what God gave you? He gave me nothing.
Dad has bigger breasts! What?! How did I get involved? I'm just sitting here.
- Why is no one eating? - The peas look burnt.
But they're not.
They're crispy-crunchy.
In many countries crispy-crunchy peas are a delicacy.
- Name one.
- Zamboni.
- You just made that up.
- Prove it.
Bon appetit.
- Michael, just eat it.
- You go first.
You're the smallest, you'll react straightaway.
Please, all of you.
Why don't we just eat around the peas? Sorry.
I have only one rule - we eat together like a normal family.
- Normal families don't eat together.
- Why are you late? Maybe he was finding a job to pay for the car.
- Actually, I was.
- You've got a job? I went down the Job Centre and found a well-paying job.
- Yes, yes! - Oh, my God.
All right.
- Pay up.
- OK.
Erm, what is this? Your father and I had a wager about when you'd get a job.
It's good I have high self-esteem.
If we didn't make light of your track record in employment We'd put a sack over your head and club you like a baby seal.
Dad! All right, seals are our friends, fur coats are bad, horrid, uncool.
(Ben) Unless it's your mother's.
- I inherited that coat.
- Right.
From 20 mink.
Those animals died of natural causes.
- Very old.
Heart attack.
- (Mouths) In their sleep.
You shouldn't wear it.
It's like wearing death on your back.
As opposed to two blobs of water on your front.
Great peas.
(Susan) So, Nick, dear tell us about your job.
Ah.
Erm Well, actually it's not exactly my job.
- Darling? I said I found it, I didn't say I took it.
I'll get the club and the sack.
- I left it for Emily.
- Who's Emily? Emily Foster.
- What? - She is so fit.
She's got this great smile, great long legs and when she sits down, her skirt rides up till - Ah, a convent girl.
- (Nick) I really like her and I want you to meet her.
Can I bring her round? - For dinner? - Not if he likes her.
No, I just thought for a quick chat about her future and the small way Dad can help with her career.
What? She wants to be a dentist? (Laughs) Right.
Like I'd go out with a dentist! - I did.
- And you got the last good one.
- Good save.
- When I used to see your dad sitting on his dental stool, his white smock riding all the way up so - I'm finished.
- I feel sick.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Not to worry - Em doesn't want to be a dentist.
- She sells life insurance.
- Now I'm bloody sick! She's just starting and wants to build her confidence.
- No.
- We already have insurance.
We Since when? - Since Nicky was born.
- (Phone) You said we'd talk about it later but later you said you didn't want to talk about it so I forged your signature and we have insurance.
You You insured me behind my back? What is this, a bloody Hitchcock movie? Dad, Dad.
Right.
If you buy a policy, Emily will be so grateful, she'll say, "Nick, how can I ever thank you?" And I might just have the answer.
- What, like you know wahey! - You know what I mean? No.
What about just a small policy? I already have a small policy - never pay for sex.
It's not paying for sex.
It's paying for a warm, loving relationship - that'll hopefully lead to sex.
- No.
All right, how about this? - You buy it and I'll pay you back.
- Great.
You've no money.
- I'll borrow it from Emily.
- No.
- Come on.
Please.
- No.
- I'm not listening.
- That was the office.
- Mum, this is important.
- So is this.
They found Mr Chen.
Dead.
Draped across Lord Nelson.
They thought he was Captain Hardy.
- 'The Middle East tensions ' - 'Another disaster ' - ' dead body of a woman ' - 'Redoing the Trevi Fountain ' - I was watching that.
- You weren't.
- I was! - OK, what was it, then? There's been a major coup in Zamboni.
- I'm upset.
- Have some tea.
- I'm very upset.
- Have some herbal tea.
That's what's wrong with the world.
People are taught to lock up their emotions.
Thank God.
Don't you want to know what people really feel? I'm a dentist.
All day, I'm exposed to what people are really feeling and it's usually "Ouch!" After a long day of "Ouch!", I look forward to a bit of "Ah".
Or a bit of peace and quiet.
- Poor Mr Chen.
- Which obviously I'm not gonna get.
OK, Susan, how do you really feel? - How I feel is not important.
- Suddenly.
- I'm worried about the kids.
- It's too late.
No, I'm serious.
Do you realise Mr Chen's passing is their first death? Mr Chen's passing? A man they've never met died in a place they've never been? These kids are so scrambled, it's an emotional minefield.
Really, there's no point talking to you.
That was my plan.
Maxine, they really don't look any bigger.
No, I don't think getting closer to the mirror will help.
Really? Yeah, all right.
Yeah, I'll give it a go.
I'll call you later.
Bye.
(Sighs) Wow, this is fantast (Gasps) (Knock at door) Just a minute, Mum! Hang on! - Busy? - Just exercising.
I've worked up a sweat.
Look.
Janey, I think we should talk.
Right now? Cos I really need to shower.
Listen, I've just had some news.
Erm Oh, dear.
Now, where am I going to start? Er You know, Janey dear, sometimes in life, things happen that we don't plan.
God, you're pregnant.
I'm so embarrassed.
No! Oh, Lord, no.
No, no.
No.
Er Mr Chen died.
Who? Mr Chen.
The Chinese gentleman we lost at Tussauds.
- Oh.
- Poof! Heart attack right in the middle of the Battle of Trafalgar.
They thought he was part of the tableau.
Did you know that when I was a girl, my grandfather died in just the same way? - What, at Tussauds? - No, darling.
You know, suddenly.
It being then and me being young none of the adults talked to me.
I needed to ask so many questions.
It was my first death but no one paid attention.
To what? Look, I just wanted to let you know that your father and I are here if you have any questions.
- No, I'm fine.
- All right, then.
Oh, and take it back if it leaks, and don't buy another one.
(Muttering) So, everyone holding up under the strain? Don't be sarcastic.
Although Janey feels she has to hide her turmoil behind a façade of blase indifference.
What façade? She's never even met the man! That's not the point.
Their whole generation feels they have to act so cool and "durr!" about everything.
I'm glad I'm not a child any more.
Yes, so am I.
I'd be arrested.
Oh, where were you last night? I was here.
You came to bed late.
- 10:30.
- Be here by 10 for a good time.
What time is it now? Five to.
Let's get going.
Oh, life is so fragile! - Oh, my God.
- No, no, no.
It's true, when you think of it.
It's all so sad.
Everything.
Youth, permanence security.
All illusions leading to decay and ashes.
So, are you still in the mood? Right, Mr Briggs.
I think the anaesthetic's taken effect.
- Er, you feel that? - (Shrieks) All right, we'll wait.
Whiny little arse.
Huh? Why not take a glass of water? Stimulates the gums.
Speeds things along a little bit.
Very nice of you to, er, have the onion salad for lunch.
Your son's outside.
I am so sorry.
- So am I.
- He told me about your loss.
It's not my loss.
I didn't lose him.
My wife lost him.
- I lost a tortoise once.
- Oh, please.
Not a pet story.
His name was Spartacus.
I used to call him Roger.
But I I got over it.
Do you want to know how? Vast amounts of antipsychotic drugs.
Dad, what's the word? Unemployable.
He's tense cos death is in the air.
- Mm-hm? - Not you, Mr Briggs, it's all right.
They're talking about me, but your concern is touching.
Dad, I've had a word with Mum, she thinks the insurance thing is a great idea.
She would.
She also thinks she's a gourmet cook.
- Give it some thought.
- I've given it thought and the fact is, I'm not going to die.
Just to spite you.
- May I say something? - No.
Much as I've come to admire you, Mr H - actually "admire" is a bit too strong - you are missing the big picture.
No, small man, small business.
No room for big pictures.
She's right, a good life insurance I'm not talking petit-bourgeois life insurance.
I am talking the Great Mandala.
What, the South African bloke with the batty ex-wife? No, the mystic wheel of life wherein all truth is found.
Looks like you picked another winner here, Dad.
According the Great Mandala, everything - life, death, the whole shebang, is interconnected through an infinite web of relationships.
OK, you with me? People, for example, eat chops, which come from cows, which are raised in Scotland, which, during the War of the Austrian Succession, was supported by the French, who cook with loads of garlic, which repels vampires, who suck the blood out of whom? Bats? No, people.
Who eat chops.
Voila - le cercle est complet.
Erm, Brigitte, chops come from pigs and sheep, not cows.
So Dad, think about it.
If you buy a policy and it goes well with Emily, who knows? It could get serious.
She'd want me to live with her, which means I might move out.
Nick, bring her round tonight.
So you're thinking about life insurance? Yes, he wants it, where do we sign? Have you ever thought, Mr Harper, what life would be like for your dear family if you were no longer here? Cheque, pen, signing.
- Result! Let's go! - I'm working, Nick.
And you, Mrs Harper, what you would do if Mr Harper were gone and you were all alone? Well, I'd be sad, I suppose.
Yes.
Sad.
But more than sad.
Would you be able to afford your lovely home? What do you mean, "sad I suppose"? Em, they've already bought it, so if we move along a bit - Yeah, come on.
Let's, er - Go on to section two.
- Oy-oy.
- Will this take long? Only I have to feed the children, watch them grow, attend their wedding Are you a smoker, Mr Harper? Ye No.
No, I, er, gave up.
- Ever had cramps? - No.
- Boils, lesions, tumours? - No, no, no.
We did have a plague of locusts once.
Where's the food? What's going on? He's buying life insurance.
- Why? - Because your daddy loves you a lot.
- Is Dad gonna die, Mum? - No one's going to die.
Mm, but you can never be sure.
Did you know that more dentists die young - than in any other profession? - (Ben) Really? Well, Miss Foster, so sorry you must be going.
Nick, will you show your friend out? I almost forgot.
Little man, would you like a pen? It's inscribed with our motto - "Anything that could happen could happen to you.
" Including this.
Thank you for coming.
So sorry you have to leave so soon.
Isn't she great? Mm (Sucks in breath) Ooh, yeah.
Mmm Here da money, yow.
Oh, hi.
Hi.
Shouldn't you be in bed? - I'm thinking.
- Oh, dear Why do people have to die? (Coughs) I'll get your mother.
She's great at this.
Dad? Oh, Mike, I mean, you know Ooh, oy-oy-oy.
Death.
All right, OK.
The big D.
Well, when I was younger, I used to think that people died because life was unfair and then when I saw you and your brother and sister born, I realised life was unfair.
And expensive.
- Forget it.
- Sit down.
Lighten up.
I mean, this is difficult.
And, erm, you know, I'm just finding my way in here, OK? - Can I have a bit of that? - Sure, help yourself.
Thanks.
I think you can keep that, you know.
Try this, OK? Right.
Imagine life is a piece of string.
- What kind? - What do you mean? String.
There's all kinds.
There's kite string, twine - OK, yes.
- There's fishing line.
There's rope.
(Menacingly) There's rope.
I'm talking about string, little string, OK? String.
It's got a beginning, middle and end.
It gets twisted and turned, or knotted and tangled and sometimes it gets cut short.
- Or a conker put on the end.
- Or gets a conker You're not quite getting this string thing.
- No.
- All right.
OK.
I know.
Remember when I took you to that safari park? - That was Nick.
- Was it Nick? It was Nick, yeah.
Yeah.
That's a really bad example, that, erm Where have I taken you, then? The Millennium Dome.
Oh, yeah.
I'm really sorry about that.
Erm A Alton Towers.
Alton Towers, right? That Nemesis white-knuckle ride we waited forever to get on? You swore and got all angry.
You forced your way to the front Yeah, all right So you remember.
Yes, well, the Nemesis ride is a lot like life.
OK? You think nothing's ever gonna happen.
It starts off slowly and then before you know it, you're at the top.
And the view is is wonderful.
It's great.
And then from then on, it's downhill all the way through darkness, fear, death-defying bends, sickening lurches - And that's death? - No, that's still life.
You are still living but Oh, God.
Wouldn't you rather hear where babies come from? Everyone knows that.
Do they? Not when I was your age.
Will you die young, like she said? No, no.
Firstly, I'm too old to die young.
Secondly, she goes out with your brother, so what does she know? And let's have another biscuit.
You're trying to avoid this.
- For as long as I can, Michael.
- Good.
So any other questions? Well, yeah.
What actually is the point of a water bra? Susan! You're not planning to eat in the bedroom, are you? Mmmm No, I'm not.
You know something? I'm feeling really, really old.
(Sighs) So am I.
I looked in the mirror and I swear to God my nose is twice the length it was this morning.
It grows, you know? That and the ears.
I watched this programme once on ageing.
Apparently, if you live long enough, all your appendages grow 50% larger than they were to begin with.
Except that one.
What time is it? (Sighs heavily) I'm never going out with a woman again ever.
I'm glad you can share these things with us but would you mind knocking before barging in? Why? You weren't doing anything, were you? At this time of night? Thank God for that.
(Groans) Now you've made me forget why I came in.
Why did we choose to have him? We didn't.
It was the margaritas at the Mexican restaurant.
Oh, yes.
He was almost Jose Cuervo.
Jose! Hey! Two more drinks, he would have been Tia Maria.
Don't either of you even care? Emily dumped me.
Now she's so successful, she only wants a boyfriend with a job.
How shallow is that? - That is really shallow.
- The cow.
Actually, could you get out now, Nick? Cos, erm me and your mother want to, erm (Sighs) plug in our hearing aids and listen to the World Service.
Yep.
What's the World Service? Just get out, Nick, OK? Oh, Dad, by the way, your new assistant at the surgery is very tasty Just get out.
Right.
She dumped him? How long have we got to stop the cheque? Ha! What cheque? We're being very short-sighted.
Ooh, I know.
Let's go wild.
- (Ben) Oh, God! - What? I can't move my back! My back! Oh, my God, I can't move! (Susan, darkly) Wanna bet?