My Own Worst Enemy s01e06 Episode Script

High Crimes and Turducken

(MAN SPEAKING ARABIC) (VOICE DISTORTING) Where am I? (SPEAKING ARABIC) Okay, okay.
AII right.
Sorry.
Listen to me very carefully.
A man in a seersucker suit will come to see you at exactly 3:00.
Simply walk past him and hand him the case that's in your pocket.
This is outside company business.
For your own safety, tell no one.
(GUNSHOT) (PEOPLE CHATTERING IN ARABIC) RAYMOND: Get on your knees! (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) ANGIE: Hi, Dad.
You Ianded.
Great.
So, we'II see you in about an hour.
Lactose intolerant.
I know, Dad.
(CHUCKLING) An announcement? What kind of announcement? I've got to go in early.
No.
Wait, wait, wait.
No, right.
Better to tell us in person.
AII right.
I Iove you, too.
Bye.
Dad says he has something to announce when he gets here.
He didn't say what it was? No.
But it sounded important.
Maybe old Archie's found himself a girlfriend half his age.
Ew! Right.
Uh, what I'm saying is maybe it's not a bad thing.
I'II call you Iater.
(SLAPS) Don't make yourself crazy.
(YURI SIGHS) So, what do you have for me? What Mariam promised you.
The name of the man who murdered your parents.
But you knew that.
The real question is, what have you got for me? Giving you information was never part of the deal.
(SIGHS) I'm disappointed, Edward.
I would expect you to show me more respect.
What do you want? You know my interests.
And you know I will never betray my country.
Pity.
Then the killer goes free.
And you've wasted my time.
So your day is not total Ioss, take my magazine with you.
I think you will find absorbing reading.
ANGIE: Hey.
Hey.
I was just shopping for Thanksgiving and I thought, since we're having it here, I might as well bring it over.
Yeah.
No, absolutely.
I was actually expecting my dad.
He's coming in from the airport.
He says he has some big announcement.
That's scary.
I know.
That's what I thought.
Oh, hey, you should take this one back.
It's got the turkey in it.
Uh I know this is kind of Iast minute, but do you think you could deal with that? What, the turkey? I thought that Tom was on bird duty this year.
Well, I know, but Tom cheated on me.
And I thought I could deal with it.
I thought we could move past it.
But the truth is, I can't.
(SIGHING) So, Iast night I asked him to move out.
I thought you guys were working through this.
I mean, Tom Ioves you.
And it's Thanksgiving.
I know, I know.
But I can't take him back.
Not right now.
AII right.
Well, can you at Ieast use my kitchen as neutral turf, so that you guys can make the annual Grady turducken? ARCHIE: Hello? Daddy! Somebody Ieft this outside.
Oh, thank you.
You didn't have to do that.
Hi.
(LAUGHING) You know Mary.
Hey, Archie.
Hi.
I should go.
Think about what I said, okay? (SIGHS) AII right.
What's the big announcement? I'm Jewish.
What? (CHUCKLES) Yeah, I hired this researcher to do an online family tree, and he discovered my birth mother.
Dora Silverman.
A 19-year-old Jewish girl from Detroit.
What a game you played! That Iast touchdown pass, right through three defenders! (CHUCKLING) My gosh! I thought you'd give me a coronary.
Thanks, Mom.
I knew you'd do fine.
Would you Iike to drive me to the airport? In the Camaro? I'II make an exception, just for today.
Actually, there's a party at EIeventh Avenue Pizza.
Everyone's going.
I should probably ride with the team on the bus.
You're right.
See you next week.
(CHUCKLES) AII right.
(THUNDER RUMBLING) (INAUDIBLE) YURI ON TAPE: A car accident.
A senseless tragedy.
That's what they told you.
(INAUDIBLE) That's what everyone believed.
But as you later learned, the truth was different.
Someone made sure your parents never had a chance that day.
They cut the brake line.
Janus told you that man was KGB, that your father was a covert CIA operative we had assassinated.
(CLANKING) (CRASHING) They told you the assassin was dead.
You now know that was a lie.
Find this man, Dmitri Borgachev, and you'll find out what Janus doesn't want you to know.
ECHELON has picked up a Iot of chatter around our base in Rabat.
What kind of chatter? The kind that keeps me up at night.
Vague threats.
Car bomb manuals.
MAVIS: A Iot more talk about martyrs in the chat rooms than normally.
You're worried about security? I'm worried that our people over there aren't worried enough.
The Salé Air Base oversees forward basing for SAC.
Which is why the Falcon is there.
The Iatest version? Yes.
It's kept in a vault in the General Staff Headquarters in the Crown Prince's former palace.
The Falcon must not fall into the wrong hands.
Which is why I'm sending you on a Red Cell mission to test base security.
Steal the Falcon from under their noses and I will personally Iight a fire under the Base Commander.
Any questions? (SIGHS) Will the Falcon satisfy your interests? The Iatest version does.
You'II have it in two days.
Contact your main concierge in Rabat.
Arrange for a brush pass in Medina.
Edward.
It is kept in a very secure Iocation.
How will you get it out? That's my problem.
Yours will be if you're Iying to me about my parents.
You're expecting us.
Open it.
The guard said you had a delivery for the General? That's right, 65" plasma, special order for General Keats.
Just show me where I can put my cable.
(CHUCKLES) CHIEF OF STAFF: I'm sure the requisition didn't come from my office.
EDWARD: Well, you can tell that to the General when he's Iistening to the Bears game on Air Force radio, then.
Yeah and you're cleaning Iatrines for Thanksgiving.
That's right.
Here you go.
You need to run your cable up to the satellite, right? That's right.
(BEEPS) (SILENCED GUNSHOT) (THUD) (BEEPS) AII the security camera footage should be fed through here.
Good.
Keep an eye on those guards for me.
If they detect us, they'II be using real bullets.
I'm not Ietting you go out there.
If you turn into Howdy Doody, we'II both be dead.
If Henry wakes up, do you really want him to be your eyes and ears on this one? As Iong as I have the gun.
I'II be okay.
The Falcon is being held in a vault on the second floor.
There are four guards on duty at all times.
Once you're close.
I will guide you past them to the vault.
AII right.
Let's plug in.
You better get going, Boy Scout.
AII right.
Remember, you're my eyes.
(BEEPS) Make a quick right and hold.
EDWARD ON EARPIECE: There's a utility closet.
Stay inside.
Wait for all clear.
RAYMOND ON EARPIECE: Am I clear? Not yet.
You really need to Iearn patience, Raymond.
Hold your position in five, four, three, two, one.
AII clear.
Proceed to stairs.
AII clear on the other side of the door, Avenger? Not yet.
(BLEEPING) (ALARM BLARING) RAYMOND: What the hell was that? EDWARD: My system's down.
Don't move.
The alarm must have sealed the door.
Avenger, what's going on? I need you.
I still don't have a 20.
(GRUNTS) Should I go back down or blow the door? Hold, Boy Scout.
There's too many guards moving around.
I'm Iooking at them on the video surveillance right now.
Avenger.
RAYMOND: I need eyes, Avenger.
What do you see? Avenger, do you copy? GUARD: Down the hall! I can hear them coming.
I've got to move.
Hold, Boy Scout.
Hold.
RAYMOND: No time.
I'm going.
EDWARD: I told you to hold.
Take cover.
There's two behind you.
(GUNSHOTS) Got them.
Moving.
(BEEPING) It better be worth it.
We've got a clear shot at the vault.
We may actually pull this off.
The door is unsecure.
The Falcon's gone.
I'm US Intelligence.
This is a Red Cell mission.
We're testing your security.
And clearly, it's flawed.
Gentlemen.
I think I crossed the wrong circuit.
My men found a weakness in your base's security.
Unfortunately, they were a moment too Iate.
You'd already been compromised.
We're checking entrance logs and pulling our security feeds.
I want those sent to me ASAP.
What else? I'm in contact with my source at the Interior Ministry.
He's sending you raw feeds of all the security cameras in Rabat.
We'II get that raw footage to Tony and run it through our RECOG-ID software.
See if we get a hit on any known players.
I don't think I need to tell you how vital the Falcon is to our national security.
No.
You do not.
I'm going to press my contact at the ministry.
Why don't you stay here in case there's a hit? AII right.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING) (SPEAKING ARABIC) (EXHALES) (GROANS) (SIGHS) Listen to me very carefully.
A man in a seersucker suit will come to see you at exactly 3:00.
Simply walk past him and give him the case that's in your pocket.
This is outside company business.
For your own safety, keep it to yourself.
(GRUNTS) MAVIS: We need to find out where the exchange is taking place.
Check the surveillance cameras for any known agents in the area.
(BLEEPING) We got a hit! Kosygin was spotted on a downtown security camera on PIace Mohammed V.
That's right by the entrance to the Kasbah.
Do you speak English? (SPEAKING IN ARABIC) Okay.
AII right.
Sorry.
Listen to me very carefully.
A man in a seersucker suit will come to see you at exactly 3:00.
Hand him the case that's in your pocket.
For your own safety, tell no one.
Don't tell Raymond.
I've got Kosygin.
I'm going after the seller! I've got no ID! Excuse me! GUARD: Don't move! There he is.
Get to the ground! RAYMOND: Get on your knees! (SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE) Get Get away! (RAYMOND YELLING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE) (SCREAMS) I Iost him.
MAVIS: We are code red as Iong as the Falcon is missing.
And you guys don't have any idea who stole it? That's why we're code red.
And if you ask me what code red means, I'm going to hit you.
Hard.
Excuse me, but I was asleep when all this stuff happened, okay? I mean Yes.
Okay.
This is what we know.
Whoever stole the Falcon is probably working with Ivan Kosygin.
Kosygin was the KGB point man in Morocco.
We believe he was in the Medina to take possession of the Falcon.
What is the Falcon? Broadest terms, the Falcon has to do with our missile defense system.
So, somebody taking it is actually a big deal.
We're working every source.
We're kicking in the doors on every third party broker we imagine could take possession of the Falcon.
But our most promising Ieads are coming from surveillance footage.
Tony.
Okay.
Uh, this is what we have so far.
Nothing definite.
But it's how we identified Kosygin.
So, reasonably confident it's going to Iead us to the man he was meeting with in the Medina.
HENRY: I don't trust you.
But I know how far you're willing to go to protect Edward.
I would never betray my country, but I think Edward would.
I read the report about Rabat.
Are you suggesting Edward's involved? He took the Falcon.
He was going to give it to the KGB.
Edward is a Ioyal operative.
When I woke up in the Medina, he told me to give it to them.
Then, he must have good reason and it's not to hurt this country.
He was going to give the Russians classified information.
So, what are you going to do? I don't know.
That's why I'm here.
Henry, do you have the Falcon? (SIGHS) Now, I can either turn it over and protect national security, or I can keep it and protect my family.
Listen to me.
You are not a traitor.
No.
But I think Edward is.
ANGIE: Hey, stranger.
Hey.
Tom told me about your conference.
When did you see Tom? TOM: Hey, buddy! I don't know how she did it, but Ang convinced Mary to Iet me out of cold storage.
(CHUCKLES) Do you have a whisk? Yeah.
I'II show you where it is.
I have so much to tell you.
First, starting with my dad.
He's fine.
But you will not believe what his big announcement was.
Uh I'II be right in.
I've just got to drop some stuff off.
This damn thing! Now, I don't know what you're doing or why you're doing it.
And your not telling me about it tells me that I wouldn't Iike it.
So I know I will regret saying this, but you will only succeed over my dead body.
TOM: AII right.
Here are the spices.
And they're alphabetized, just the way you Iike.
And I took your advice and I got the Look, Tom.
Before we start, I just got to say I'm not feeling good about this.
No, no, no.
Let's not talk about feelings, okay? I know that you're feeling I'm the scum-sucking cheater in your Iife.
So Iet's forget about feelings.
Let's just enjoy Thanksgiving.
(LAUGHING) Yeah.
You can forget about that.
What? You don't remember the first time we made turducken? Yeah.
When my dad was so critical, I had a total meltdown and we got drunk? Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.
And we ended up in the bedroom where you grew up in.
Hey, Archie.
Have you met Tom? TOM: No, I don't think we've met.
Hello.
You're making turducken.
Yeah.
Is that a problem? I got a buddy who makes it every year outside in a deep fryer.
Best thing you ever tasted.
I see you folks are planning to, what, roast it in the oven? Yeah.
Uh, could work.
I guess.
You know, I do remember your dad.
I think I will have a drink.
So, that was the big announcement, huh? Yeah.
Crazy, right? But Dad says, finding out he's Jewish has really affected him.
I guess discovering you're not who you think you are can be a pretty big deal.
(SIGHING) Or so I'm told.
I think he's enjoying it because he knows it would kill Mom.
(SCOFFS) I'm sure you don't believe that.
Oh, I'm quoting him.
After all these years, he still hasn't Iet go of the hurt.
I think that's why I pushed Mary so hard.
That was very sweet of you.
(CELL PHONE RINGING) (CHUCKLES) I'm sorry.
You okay? I'm fine.
And yes, you can answer the phone.
(SIGHS) (PHONE CONTINUES RINGING) Tony.
Yeah.
That's me.
Did you find him? TONY: Yeah, that's why I'm calling you back.
We got him on surveillance.
He was standing next to Kosygin when he was killed.
Here, I'm sending it to you now.
What? (BLEEPS) Well, what are going to do? You can't ID this guy.
He's wearing a mask.
Not for Iong.
What does that mean? Well, in my spare time, I've been working on a device that combines a series of algorithms with sound waves at a particular frequency to capture images through a wall or (GASPING) for it can break down anything Iike a hood or a mask.
Image should be on your phone right now.
Henry, are you there? Henry? It's pretty cool, right? Shut up, Tony.
Oh.
Hi, Edward.
AII I need to know is will you be able to identify this man? Yes.
NORAH: This is about the man who killed your parents? That's right.
I gave up my Iife, gave up my freedom because some KGB thug murdered my parents.
If you need a reminder on how that happened, read this.
I became a spy, so I could find the spy who murdered them.
I've never made any secret of that.
But you're not a traitor.
No, I'm not.
Because by finding the person who killed two American citizens in cold blood, I will be serving my country.
(SIGHS) You are either with me or against me on this.
There's no in between.
You know which side I'm on.
(INHALES) We're going to need the whole session.
I've got a Iot of issues.
Oh, God.
(BOTH PANTING) Are you afraid of me? What would possess you to ask that question? Because whenever we're together, your heart beats a Iittle more rapidly.
Why do you assume it's fear that makes my heart beat faster? Because if it were anything else, I'd say you were foolish.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I forgot to say it.
I don't Iove you, Edward.
Mmm-hmm.
(BOTH MOANING) NORAH: Oh, God.
That's perfect.
(BOTH PANTING) Angie.
(PANTING) Norah! (EXCLAIMING) Oh, my God! What are we doing? What? Henry Henry, you can trust me.
It's not There are no connect (SIGHS) It's complicated.
Yeah.
You're sleeping with a man who Iegally doesn't exist.
It's not a perfect relationship.
(LAUGHS EXASPERATEDLY) I have been married for 16 years.
Up until this moment, I have never cheated on my wife.
I wouldn't categorize this as cheating on your wife.
No, Iisten to me, Iady.
We're not married.
We just slept together.
That's cheating.
Fine.
BIame me if you Iike.
No, no.
I blame Edward.
It's because of him that I'm cheating on my wife.
Because of him that I'm betraying my country.
Edward's not betraying the country.
He is Iooking for the man who killed your parents.
Read this.
They are not my parents.
You've never met them, but they're the closest thing I don't care about them and even if I did, it would not justify treason.
I'm not saying it does, but you should read this file before making up your mind.
TOM: AII right, step seven.
Distribute the butter-herb mixture evenly under the skin.
Mmm-Hmm.
Mmm-hmm.
Evenly, evenly.
(CHUCKLING) I'm trying, I'm trying.
Ooh! This actually feels kind of good.
(LAUGHING) Let me see.
Oh, yeah.
Mmm.
That does feel good.
(BOTH LAUGHING) Okay, okay, okay.
Uh, step eight.
AII right.
Uh, rub the skin of the turkey with the gravy enhancer.
Okay.
Just get your Yeah, do that.
That's a proper measurement.
Mmm.
So, are we alone? Yep.
Step nine? Uh PIace the duck on top of the bread stuffing, skin-side down.
AII right.
Oh! Oh, Sorry.
(BOTH LAUGHING) I got it.
You got it? Mmm.
Okay.
Mmm.
(CHUCKLING) Should we wash it? No.
There's a 10 second rule for ducks.
(LAUGHING) Fifteen if they've got feathers.
So (MOANS) (BOTH MOANING) Archie.
Hey, Henry.
Good to see you.
Good to see you, too.
Did Angie tell you about my news? (EXHALES) Your news? That my birth mother's Jewish.
Henry! You okay? Uh Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
I just got some things going on at work.
It's nothing.
So, I heard that's really affected you.
When you're adopted, you don't know your heritage.
You always feel just a Iittle bit off.
I imagine you do.
It's not finding out that I'm Jewish that matters.
I've got nothing against the Jews.
They're the chosen people, right? (CHUCKLING) What's not to Iike? But knowing that I have a place in this world, you know? That I belong somewhere.
That I'm connected in a way that I can't explain.
Archie, what if you found out you were connected in some way to, I don't know, a criminal? How would you feel? Well, you are who you are, you know, one way or the other, you have to make peace with that.
(SIGHS) (SIGHS) Hello, Edward.
I've never met them, but your parents are my parents.
And in some bizarre way, I'm trying to make peace with I am connected to them, but that connection will not justify treason.
So, I'm not going to give you the Falcon.
I'm sorry.
(EXHALES) (SCOFFS) (BEEPS) Now, you need to forget all about the Falcon and focus on the photograph that Tony is rendering of a masked man in Rabat.
When he's done, he will see that it is us.
We'll be arrested for treason, which is punishable by death.
So, I feel pretty safe in saying it would help both of us out, if you could stop that from happening.
I'm impressed.
Now, I want a name and an address.
His name is Dmitri Borgachev.
He will be easy to find.
Remember the picture I showed you earlier? This is what Dmitri Borgachev Iooks Iike now.
And this is where you can find him.
Happy hunting.
YOUNG EDWARD: What do you do, Dad? VICTOR: You know what I do.
I'm an energy consultant.
What kind of energy do they have in Nicaragua? Not enough.
That's the problem.
You'd tell me if you could, right? (SIGHING) Telling the truth is important, Edward, but it's not the most important thing.
What is? Protecting the people you Iove.
Here.
You're better at this than I am.
So, you've pretty much been all over the world, right? PIenty of stamps on my passport.
What's your favorite place? You want the truth? Yeah.
Right here.
With you.
(CHUCKLES) (GRUNTS) Henry, I Iove your wife.
Okay.
No, no.
The woman took pity on me Iike Mother Theresa in heels.
And between her, a couple shots of bourbon, and a Iittle butter-herb mixture, the Tominator is back.
Hey, did you hear the Tominator is back? (CHUCKLES) Oh, is he? Wow, fantastic! Things are going well with Tom and Mary.
Yeah.
Listen, can you round up the kids? They should be spending time with their grandfather.
One-sixty.
Five degrees away from perfection.
(WHOOPING) Don't tell me the score! AII right.
But, Dad, you've got to see this.
Yeah.
We got a season pass.
I'm going to see it.
Later tonight, when we get home.
AII right.
I was kind of hoping we weren't going to put the kids in the middle of this.
The middle of what? Well, I don't want them getting their hopes up that we're getting back together.
Oh! I mean, I know this thing happened, but you and I have real problems, Tom.
Yeah.
Um Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I knew that.
Okay.
I just wanted to make sure.
Yeah.
No.
We're good.
Oh, there you are.
Hey, Dad.
What are you guys doing? Jack's Iying to girls on Facebook.
I don't care what you're doing.
You guys should be spending time with your grandfather right now.
He's watching football.
We hate football.
I don't care.
Just go and pretend.
It's important to him.
(GROANS) Come on, come on.
Go, go, go, chop, chop.
(EXHALES) (SIGHS) I don't know how you got the Falcon, but I do know what you plan on doing with it.
Trading it to the KGB for any reason is wrong.
I can't Iet that happen.
So, I'm turning you in.
Even though it's going to cost me everything.
I need to tell you something about the Falcon.
I already know.
You do? Yes.
Isn't it great news? I mean, I never thought we'd recover it.
Let alone have it dead-dropped right back into our Iaps.
Do you know who returned it? No.
I don't think I ever will.
It was wiped clean.
No prints, no DNA, nothing.
Okay, the rendering is complete.
And Well, I haven't seen it, yet.
I transferred it in here, so we could all see it together.
(SIGHS) (BEEPING) Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, uh, I know it's there.
There's no image? No, hold on a second.
This is impossible.
I know there was an image.
Now, if you'II excuse us.
So, Henry, what did you want to say? Me? It sounded important.
No, no, it wasn't.
It was Nothing.
AII right, then.
I am going to go enjoy what is Ieft of my Thanksgiving, and I suggest you do the same.
(SIGHS) Good night, Henry.
I may be many things, Henry.
But a traitor is not amongst them.
I needed the Falcon, so I could make a copy, a believable fake to give the KGB.
The photo was trickier.
But I assume you will be pleased with the result.
And yes, you are welcome.
Hey, you.
I went out and got us some extra pie.
For Tom.
(LAUGHS) AII right.
That is a thing of beauty.
(SIGHS) (GLASS TINKLING) JACK: Here we go.
RUTHY: Hit it! (SIGHING) AII right.
I want to take just a second to thank all of you for making this such an uneventful holiday.
(JACK CHUCKLING) I, uh, think a Iot about my mom and dad during this holiday.
And They died when I was very young, and (INHALING) For reasons that are impossible to explain, I feel closer to them this year than I have for a very Iong time.
And for reasons that are so incredibly obvious they need no explanation, I feel Iike I've got a Iot to be thankful for.
Happy Thanksgiving.
ALL: Happy Thanksgiving.
(ALL CHATTERING) TOM: Cut that up.
Here we go! AII righty! Let's see how you guys did here, huh? Okay.

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